University  of  California  •  Berkeley 

Gift  of 
PROFESSOR  ROBERT  D.  PEPPER 


MODERN  CHIVALRY: 


OR, 


THE     ADVENTURES 


OP 


CAPTAIN  FAKKAGO  AND    TEAGUE  O'KEGAN, 


BY 


H.  H.  BRACKEMIDGE. 

AUTHOR    OP  THE    "ADVENTURES    OF    CAPTAIN    FARRAGO," 
"  MAJOR  TEAGUE  O'REGAN'S  ADVENTURES  "  ETC. 


WITH  A  PREFACE  AND  EXPLANATORY  NOTES  BY  THE  EDITOR, 


$  1)  tlabelpljia: 
T.    B.    PETERSON    &    BROTHERS, 

306    CHESTNUT     STREET. 


EDITOR'S  PREFACE. 


THE  two  first  volumes,  forming  the  first  part  of  the  work, 
exhibit  the  preposterous  ambition  of  the  individual,  contin 
ually  aspiring  to  offices  and  pursuits  for  which  he  is  unqual 
ified.  In  such  cases,  according  to  the  author,  the  post  of 
honor  is  the  private  station.  Ridicule  is  freely  used  to 
expose  the  presumption  of  such  false  ambition.  In  fact, 
the  moral  is,  the  evil  of  ambition  anywhere,  even  with  the 
most  capable  and  deserving.  It  is  considered  the  greatest 
political  evil  of  a  republic;  while  modest  self-denial,  or 
voluntary  retirement,  as  so  much  the  less  common,  consti 
tutes  the  greatest  virtue  in  a  free  government.  In  the  best 
of  all  governments,  the  noblest  traits  of  character  are  those 
where  individuals  of  the  highest  merit,  have  declined  offices 
and  honors,  or  freely  resigned  them.  It  was  the  highest 
degree  of  virtue  in  the  Roman  republic.  This  was  great  in 
Cincinnatus  among  the  Romans,  and  great  in  Washington 
with  us.  The  fact  of  Napoleon  may  serve  to  point  the 
moral. 

The  second  part,  also  in  two  volumes,  written  after  an 
interval  of  ten  years — like  the  second  part  of  Don  Quixotte, 
contains  the  fruits  of  the  more  ripened  experience  of  the 
author.  It  now  forms  the  third  and  fourth  volumes  of  the 
work.  It  is  profound  in  its  views,  although  under  the 
mask  of  pleasantry.  It  may  be  called  a  work  of  political 
philosophy,  and  every  page  furnishes  matter  for  deep  reflec 
tion.  As  the  first  part  deals  with  the  folly  and  preenmp- 


IV 

tion  of  the  individual,  so  the  second  part  deals  with  the  masses, 
and  exhibits  the  delusions  of  the  multitude.  It  shows 
the  excesses,  the  extravagance,  and  short-sighted  passions  of 
of  the  people,  the  most  destructive  to  the  own  welfare — 
of  course  honest,  but  mistaken  To  the  agrarian  schemes, 
to  the  manifest  tendency  to  anarchy,  to  the  thousand  pro 
jects  of  visionary  philosophers  and  interested  demagogues, 
he  ascribes  the  despotism  which  succeeded  the  French  revo 
lution.  It  was  the  visionary  among  the  people,  who  over 
threw  the  republic  and  made  the  despotism.  To  the  great 
body  of  the  sober  and  industrious  in  the  community,  who 
had  property,  acquired  by  industry  or  inheritance,  any  gov 
ernment  was  better  than  anarchy.  They  were  willing  to 
embrace  anything  which  could  afford  protection  to  persons 
and  property,  from  the  perpetual  flaws  and  tempests  of 
anarchy.  Where  there  is  but  one  kind  of  aristocracy,  as  in 
this  country,  and  France  after  the  revolution,  the  aristoc 
racy  of  wealth,"  or  talent,  or  virtue,  it  is  in  the  power  of 
every  citizen  to  become  a  member  of  it.  It  was  not  so  in 
Rome,  where  there  were  two  distinct  classes,  almost  distinct 
castes ;  the  patrician,  descended  from  the  ancient  families, 
and  the  plebian,  those  of  more  rn'odern  origin.  The  com 
mons  struggled  violently  for  even  the  privilege  of  inter 
marriage  with  the  nobles,  which  was  forbidden  by  law;  as 
also  for  the  right  of  election  to  the  chief  magistracy.  The 
amalgamation  was  regarded  pretty  much  in  the  same  light, 
as  that  in  this  country,  between  the  black  and  the  white. 
In  England,  the  force  of  opinion,  or  prejudice,  is  almost  as 
strong  as  the  distinction  of  the  Roman  patrician  and  plebian. 
In  this  country,  every  one  is  novus  liomo,  new  man,  or 
maker  of  his  own  fortune.  He  that  does  not  improve  his 
condition,  must  blame  himself,  or  deplore  the  unkindness  of 
providence  in  not  bestowing  an  equal  share  of  talents.  Or 
reflecting  wisely  on  the  justice  of  that  providence,  he  must 


EDITOR'S  PREFACE.  ;y 

look  for  his  compensation  in  some  other  way.  The  field  is 
open  to  all,  although  some  have  strength,  swiftness,  or 
wisdom,  and  others  are  comparatively  deficient.  The  right 
is  equal)  although  the  chances  are  not,  and  cannot  be.  The 
visionary  philosophers  presume  on  the  possibility  of  making 
all  equal  in  capacity  and  in  desert.  In  this  they  have  to 
work  against  nature,  which  they  in  some  measure  admit, 
by  their  deduction,  that  it  is  necessary  to  remodel  society, 
and  order  everything  in  a  different  way  from  that  in  which 
it  was  created  by  the  Almighty.  They  seek  an  imaginary 
perfectibility;  and  finding  that  it  is  impossible  to  make  the 
individuals  all  equal,  their  object  is  to  destroy  all  individu 
ality,  and  to  seek  their  ideal  perfection  in  the  masses,  in 
the  aggregate,  and  human  nature,  in  the  abstract  ideal  of 
man,  and  thus  exterminate  vice  and  virtue  together.  But 
the  practical  man,  the  true  philosopher,  on  the  contrary,  is 
continually  laboring  to  raise  the  importance  of  the  individ 
ual,  and  to  bring  out  individual  talents  and  virtues, 
thus  forming  the  social  aggregate.  The  principle  of  despo 
tism  is  concentration,  that  of  democracy,  diffusion.  The 
habeas  corpus,  the  bill  of  rights,  the  freedom  of  speech  and 
conscience,  are  all  calculated  to  give  dignity  to  the  indi 
vidual,  and  elevate  him  in  importance,  in  opposition  to  the 
power  of  the  masses,  or  of  the  single  despot,  or  the  few. 
The  great  thing  is  to  make  every  man  feel  that  he  is  a  man 
— something  self-reliant — noble — and  not  a  mere  particle 
or  component,  indivisible,  insignificant  ingredient,  of  a  con 
crete  mass. 

The  author  has  assailed  many  of  the  popular  follies,  whoss 
tendency  is  to  sink  the  dignity  of  the  individual  mam, 
and  to  undermine  the  true  democratic  principle.  They  all 
lead  to  despotism,  by  rendering  democratic  institutions  un 
stable,  and  consequently  unsafe.  The  elective  franchise  is 
the  most  important  of  all  the  democratic  principles ;  hence 


TI  EDITOR'S  PREFACE. 

it  occupies  the  most  of  the  author's  attention  and  endeavors 
to  preserve  it  in  its  purity. 

The  exercise  of  the  right  of  suffrage  is  the  most  precious 
privilege  of  the  citizen;  and  at  the  same  time,  it  is  that  on 
which  the  purity  and  permanence  of  the  government  depend. 
After  discussing  the  various  restrictions  proposed  at  different 
times,  to  prevent  the  abuses  attending  it,  he  comes  to  the 
conclusion,  that  every  poll  shall  poll;  that  is,  that  every 
male  resident  of  full  age,  and  paying  tax,  shall  have  the 
right  of  voting  and  of  being  voted  for.  The  strong  satire 
against  property  qualification,  under  the  idea  of  cattle  voting, 
an  ox  or  a  horse  vote,  is  aimed  at  the  requisite  of  property; 
but  it  is  also  intended  to  ridicule  the  idea  of  perfectibility 
of  the  visionary  philosophers,  who  contend  that  it  is  possible 
for  man  to  attain  in  this  life  the  perfection  of  angels.  From 
the  importance  of  the  duty  entrusted  to  the  voter,  he  argues 
the  necessity  of  diffusing  information  and  education  among 
them,  on  whom  that  high  duty  is  devolved.  The  car 
icature  is  broad,  and  on  purpose,  in  order  to  render  the  idea 
more  striking.  The  absurd  prejudice,  at  one  time  prevail 
ing  against  learning,  is  now  rare,  yet  by  no  means  extinct. 
The  satire  of  the  dog-lawyers,  is  directed  against  the  abuses 
of  the  bar,  and  of  the  legal  profession,  of  which  he  was 
the  true  friend. 

The  opening  chapter  of  the  first  volume  of  this  second 
part,  where  the  merits  of  Peter  Porcupine  and  Paul  Polecat 
are  discussed  in  town  meeting,  is  an  admirable  representation 
of  the  evils  arising  from  the  abuse  of  the  liberty  of  the  press; 
and  at  the  same  time,  the  value  of  that  liberty  when  properly 
used.  It  would  take  many  pages  of  grave  dissertation  to 
convey  the  same  ideas,  and  then  to  be  read  only  in  the 
closet,  while  here  they  are  drawn  up  in  a  shape,  to  be  placed 
in  the  hands  of  the  most  common  and  superficial  among 
the  poeple. 


EDITOR'S  PREFACE.  vn 

The  chapters  on  constitution  making,  trace  the  establish 
ment  of  government;  in  an  amusing  but  philosophical  man 
ner.  The  chapter  on  common  sense,  the  most  uncommon 
sense,  is  original;  and  that  on  the  ingratitude  of  republics, 
too  often  the  theme  of  disappointed  ambition,  presents  the 
subject  in  a  new  light,  showing  that  when  stricly  examined, 
the  fault  is  often  in  the  person  complaining. 

In  short,  these  two  volumes  contain  a  store-house  of 
ideas,  on  all  subjects,  especially  political,  brought 
within  the  reach  of  the  laborer,  the  mechanic,  the  farmer, 
as  well  as  the  enlightened  statesman  and  philosopher.  It  is 
a  book  for  the  people,  and  yet  may  be  read  with  advantage 
and  instruction,  by  every  one,  in  every  occupation  or  situa 
tion  in  society. 

There  is  a  strong  resemblance  between  our  author  and 
Cervantes,  in  the  gravity  with  which  trivial  subjects  are 
treated;  and  it  is  this  contrast  which  constitutes  much  of 
that  delicate  wit,  that  is  not  always  perceived  by  the  dull  of 
apprehension.  It  is  also  remarkable  for  the  playful  manner  in 
which  subjects  are  often  treated,  when  the  reader  suddenly 
finds  himself  in  the  midst  of  the  most  profound  reasoning,  on 
matters  of  the  greatest  moment.  It  is  impossible  for  the 
most  ordinary  mind,  to  read  this  book  without  a  great 
accession  of  the  most  sound  and  salutary  ideas  and  precepts. 
No  one  can  read  it,  without  becoming  more  of  a  thinker 
and  reasoner  than  he  has  been.  That  book  best  attains  its 
end,  which  sets  the  mind  longest  to  thinking  after  reading 
it;  as  the  bell  of  the  clearest  metal,  when  struck,  rings 
longest  aaad  loudest 

The  author's  peculiar  mode  of  conveying  instruction,  was 
a  delicate  irony,  somewhat  resembling  that  of  Swift,  or 
perhaps  rather  of  Fielding;  as  for  instance,  where  he 
intends  to  rebuke  those  who  attempt  to  enlighten  the  pub 
lic  on  subjects  of  wkich  they  are  ignorant;  "I  have  always 


vin  EDITOR'S  PREFACE. 

observed  (says  he)  that  a  man  can  write  better  on  a  subject 
for  being   acquainted   with   it!"     We   find   many  similar 
touches  in  Modern  Chivalry;  as  in  the  grave  dissertation  on 
the  utility  of  laws,  where  he  says,    "I  do  not  know  that 
society  has  yet  attained  to  that  morality  and  freedom  from 
sin,  that  law  and  government  can  be  dispensed  with  alto 
gether."     The  arbitrary  and  authoritative  mode  of  instruc 
tion,  is  thus  avoided.     There  is  another  mode  which  con 
stantly  recurs  in  this  work,  which  Dr.  Franklin  calls  the 
Socratean,   and  in  like  manner  shuns  offence,  by  making 
the  party  addressed,  the  detector  of  his  own  folly  or  impru 
dence.     The   examples   of  this   may    be   seen   where   the 
Captain  turns  Teague  from  some  of  his  foolish  pretensions. 
One  question  after  another  is  put  to  him,  by  which  he  is 
made  to  discover  his  ignorance,  as  it  were  by  his  own  con 
fession     The  quotation  from  the  life  of  Socrates  by  Zeno- 
phon,  exhibits  this  mode   of  disclosing   the  truth,  which 
might  otherwise  have  been  offensive.     The  author  of  Mod 
ern  Chilvalry  seems  to  have  been  very  partial  to  this  mode 
of  address.     It  is  related  of  him,  that  on  one  occasion  two 
poor  soldiers  were  indicted  for  stealing  a  watch  from  the 
house  where  they  lodged.     They  had   but   one   knapsack 
between  them,  and  in  this  the  watch  was  found.    The  author 
in  defending  them,  affected  to  take  the  side  of  the  prosecu 
tion.     "G-entlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "there  can  be  no 
doubt  that  one  of  these  parties  is  guilty,  but  the  difficulty 
is  to  know  which  of  the  two.     But  so  many  thefts  have 
been  committed  of  late,  that  examples  must  be  made.    Now, 
here  are  two  poor  friendless  fellows,  whom  nobody  carea 
anything  about,  and  their  punishment  will  distress  nobody 
but  themselves.     They  are  the  very  persons  to  make  an 
example.     It  is  true  it  is  impossible  to  know  whether  both 
are  guilty,  or  if  not  both,  which  of  them  has  done    the 
deed.     But  that  is  a  small  matter  compared  to  the  impor- 


EDITOR'S  PREFACE.  ix 

tance  of  the  example  for  the  good  of  the  public.  A  little 
stretch  of  conscience  is  therefore  perfectly  justifiable,  with 
such  a  motive."  At  this  one  of  the  jury  became  impatient, 
and  with  some  anger,  rose  and  said,  "Sir,  you  are  mistaken, 
if  you  suppose  that  any  one  on  this  j  ury  will  violate  his 
conscience  for  the  sake  of  punishing  a  poor  soldier,  because 
he  has  no  friends,  and  where  we  are  not  sure  that  he  is 
guilty."  "As  you  please,  gentlemen;  I  have  nothing 
more  to  say." 


CONTENTS    OF   VOLUME  III. 


CHAPTER  I. — Capt  Farrago  resumes  his  travels,  and  is  once  more  joined  by 
Teague — His  return  to  the  village — And  of  the  strange  phenomena  encoun 
tered  at  its  antrancc*. ....»..•••.•.•••••••.•  • .................................... P&O&  1.3 

CHAPTER  II.— In  which,  the  proceedings  of  the  town  meeting  are  faithfully 
related 22 

CHAPTER  III.— The  Captain  feels  dissatisfied  with  himself  for  offering  Teague 
as  an  editor,  but  is  unexpectedly  relieved  by  the  flight  of  Porcupine SI 

CHAPTER  IV.— Reasons  for  continuing  this  history— The  author  discourses 
of  the  means  of  public  instruction:  for  the  people — the  pulpit — the  press — 
and  the  courts  of  justice : 33 

CHAPTER  V.— Teague  is  dissatisfied  with  not  being  an  editor — He  is  persua 
ded  by  the  Captain  to  turn  author,  and  compose  his  memoirs  of  adventure 
in  France — The  good  advice  of  the  Captain  on  the  occasion 37 

CHAPTER  VI.— Which  treats  of  village  matters— Capt.  Farrago  is  not  pleased 
with  some  things 39 

CHAPTER  VII.— O'Regan  engages  the  schoolmaster  to  do  the  writing  of  his 
memoirs,  and  proceeds  to  obtain  subscriptions— The  Captain  visits  the 
principal  of  the  new  academy : 40 

CHAPTER  VIII.— While  O'Regan  is  engaged  in  his  memoirs,  the  Captain  turns 
his  attention  to  other  subjects— The  blind  lawyer  and  his  lecture 42 

CHAPTER  IX. — Uproar  in  tho  village  for  abating  all  nuisance,  learning  among 
the  rest — They  threaten  to  pull  down  the  church — A  levelling  phrensy 
prevails 48 

CHAPTFR  X.— A  sample  of  the  memoir  of  O'Regan 53 

CHAPTER  XI.— Captain  Farrago  pays  another  visit  to  the  blind  lawyer— The 
common  law  explained— The  conversation  broken  off  by  a  new  disturbance  54 

CHAPTER  XII.— Great  success  of  O'Regan's  memoirs— The  Captain  is  advised 
to  apply  for  a  professorship  for  him  in  the  College,  but  is  at  a  loss  to  know 
of  what— Teague  becomes  a  quack  doctor 59 

CHAPTER  XIII.— In  which  the  reader  is  introduced  to  some  of  the  sage  pol 
iticians  of  the  village 62 

CHAPTER  XIV.— The  Captain  visits  some  of  the  public  establishments  of  the 
village — The  Lunatic  Hospital — finds  a  poet  engaged  in  turning  the  first 
volume  of  Modern  Chivalry  into  rhyme 67 

CHAPTER  XV.— Containing  various  matters  of  village  clamor— The  no  code 

and  new  code  parties — There  is  a  talk  of  making  a  j  udge  of  O'Regan.. 72 

CHAPTER  XVI.—Containing  some  wise  saws  and  sayings 78 


CONTENTS.  XI 

CHAPTER  XVII.— Various  rumors— The  author's  excuse  in  taking  his  clown 
from  the  Irish — Miscellaneous  matters — Democracy  has  its  strength  in 
strict  integrity 87 

CHAPTER  XVIII.— An  epistle  from  a  reading  tailor  to  the  author,  with  the 
author's  reply 93 

CHAPTER  XIX. — Further  particulars  respecting  the  memoirs  of  O'Regan — 
The  St.  Tammany  Society 102 

CHAPTER  XX.— This  chapter  may  be  passed  over  by  those  who  wish  to  keep 
the  thread  of  the  narrative 106 

CHAPTER  XXI.— The  meditations  of  the  Captain  on  the  subject  of  goverment 
— The  demagogue  and  the  patriot — the  one  natters  and  the  other  finds  fault  110 

CHAPTER  XXII.— The  annual  Fair— Continued  in  a  series  of  chapters 113 

CHAPTER  XXIII.— The  despot  is  the  spectre  which  rises  from  the  marsh  of 
licentiousness— It  was  the  Jacobins  that  made  the  Emperor 123 

CHAPTER  XXIV,— In  which  is  related  the  case  of  the  lawyer  who  was  lynched 
for  making  long  speeches 128 

CHAPTER  XXV.— An  inquest  is  held  on  a  man  suspected  of  being  insane— 
His  defence,  and  the  verdict  of  the  jury 128 

CHAPTER  XXVI.— Wherein  it  is  explained  why  the  schoolmaster  was  not 
lynched  for  talking  latin  in  public ,...  132 

CHAPTER  XXVIL— The  western  cattle  driver  and  the  city  macaroni— Disturb 
ance  at  the  Frenchman's  booth-^The  distressed  politician 135 

CHAPTER  XXVIII.— This  chapter  will  be  read  because  it  is  short 140 

CHAPTER  XXIX.— The  close  of  the  fair-The  Captain  meets  with  Oconama—  A 
ludicrous  mistake  from  the  name 141 

CHAPTER  XXX.— Containing  reflections 145 

CHAPTER  XXXI.— Conversation  between  Captain  Farrago  and  the  Principal 
of  the  Academy,  on  the  subject  of  education — Suddenly  broken  off  by  a 
casualty 147 

CHAPTER  XXXH.— The  Captain  sends  Teague  out  of  the  way  on  the  approach 
of  the  election — Encounters  a  worse  danger 151 

CHAPTER  XXXIII.— Farrago  pays  a  visit  to  the  blind  lawyer— Of  reform,  uni 
versal  suffrage,  ambition — It  is  pleasant  in  a  free  country  to  lie  on  one's 
back  and  whistle  164 

CHAPTER  XXXIV.— The  project  of  making  a  devil  of  O'Regan  comes  to  the 
ears  of  the  clergyman — Alarming  incident — Teague  takes  to  flight — The 
blind  lawyer  visits  the  Captain 162 

CHAPTER  XXXV.— Which  explains  the  mystery  of  O'Regan's  disappearance.  168 

CHAPTER  XXXVI.— Captain  Farrago  falls  under  public  obloquy,  and  in  con 
sequence  resolves  to  emigrate 17fi 

CHAPTER  XXXVII.— Reflections  of  the  author  on  various  subjects— The  neg 
lect  of  the  Legislature  to  establish  schools,  and  to  promote  learning 180 

CHAPTER  XXXVIII.— Reflections  continued— The  talk  of  abolishing  the 
courts— An  apology  to  the  lawyers 187 


XH  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XXXIX— In  which  the  author  treats  of  the  ingratitude  of  repub 
lics  towards  their  public  men. 193 

CHAPTER  XL.— The  Captain  sets  out— The  two  judges— Teague  takes  the 
place  of  one,  after  a  sage  lecture  on  the  subject  of  duties 201 

CHAPTER  XLL— Containing  a  few  words  for  the  critic 207 

CHAPTER  XLII.-The  Quo-hee  settlement— The  backbiters,  not  cannibals,  as 
some  authors  have  asserted 209 

CHAPTER  XLIII.— It  is  an  epoch  in  a  man's  life  when  he  puts  on  breeches— 
The  second  when  he  goes  to  school;  the  third  when  he  gives  his  vote 214 

CHAPTER  XLIV.— The  Lack-learning  settlement— The  inhabitants  rise  to  op 
pose  their  entrance,  from  a  false  rumor  of  their  being  mep  of  learning 216 

CHAPTER  XLV. — Which  contains  "a  bone  to  gnaw,"  for  the  demagogue 218 

CHAPTER  XLYI.— The  Mad-cap  settlement — Harem  Scarum  challenges  the 
beasts  of  the  forest — The  Captain  aa  a  military  man — The  Mad-caps  are 
quieted  by  a  ballad  from  Clonmel— The  democrats 219 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  I. 


Capt.  Farago  resumes  his  travels,  and  is  once  more  joined  by 
Teague. — His  return  to  the  village — And  of  the  strange  phi 
nomena  encountered  at  its  entrance. 

Here  is  a  great  gap — hiatus  valde  dejlendus — not  a  word  of 
Captain  Farrago,  or  of  Teague  O'Regan,  since  the  shipment 
of  the  latter  to  France,  by  the  philosophical  society,  as  a  curi 
osity  for  the  inspection  of  the  profound  naturalists  of  that 
country.  Now,  the  fact  is,  the  Captain  had  returned  to  his 
farm,  raised  a  crop  or  two,  put  his  fences  in  order,  which  the 
tenant  had  suffered  to  go  out  of  repair ;  but  growing  weary  of 
the  monotony  of  the  farming  life,  he  longed  to  resume  his  ad 
ventures,  at  least  to  avoid  ennui,  by  a  change  from  place  to 
place,  seeking  at  the  same  time,  useful  information,  as  well  as 
amusement,  and  even  not  without  some  ambition  of  being  able 
to  improve  matters,  here  and  there,  by  his  suggestions.  Ho 
was,  however,  no  mad-man,  like  his  prototype  Don  Quixotte, 
going  forth  to  relieve  distressed  damsels,  and  free  the  oppres 
sed,  setting  even  galley  slaves  at  liberty,  to  be  afterwards  beaten 
and  bruised  by  them,  for  his  pains. 

His  last  Squire,  Duncan,  the  Scotchman,  had  taken  to  weav 
ing  in  the  neighborhood,  and  was  doing  well.  The  Captarn 


14  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

had  advised  him  to  go  to  preaching,  but  he  declined  the  advice, 
on  the  ground  that  he  had  not  been  ordained  to  the  ministry, 
and  although  it  was  good  work  that  pleased  the  customer,  yet, 
he  could  not  reconcile  it  to  his  conscience  to  take  on  himself,  so 
holy  an  office,  without  a  proper  vocation. 

As  for  Teague,  on  landing  at  Nantz,  and  being  in  fact,  a 
sans  culotte,  he  was  at  once  set  free  by  the  mob,  or  canailles* 
forwarded  with  eclat  to  Paris,  and  introduced  to  the  Jacobin 
clubs,  as  a  primitive  savage,  of  that  golden  age,  described  by 
Jean  Jaque  Rousseau.  He  soon  after  appeared,  in  the  great 
procession  of  Anacharsis  Cloots,  the  orator  of  the  human 
race,  and  in  the  character  of  a  Kickapoo  Indian,  from  the  Val 
ley  of  the  Mississippi.  Teague  made  them  a  speech  in  Irish, 
which  passed  for  very  eloquent  Indian,  although  there  was  no 
one  to  interpret  it,  as  in  the  case  of  Logan,  but  was  supposed 
to  be  suitable  to  the  occasion  and  the  character  of  the  speaker  • 
It  was  not  long  after  this,  before  he  was  denounced  as  an  aris 
tocrat,  on  account  of  his  wearing  some  articles  of  clothing 
\vhich  had  been  given  him,  and  which  had  the  aristocratic  cut; 
perhaps  a  part  of  the  spoil  of  some  unfortunate  noble,  who  had 
perished  on  the  scaffold.  Teague  was  consigned  to  the  concier- 
gere,  or  revolutionary  prison,  from  which  there  was  then  but 
a  step  to  the  guillotine.  He  .was  soon  liberated  by  the  sudden 
downfall  of  the  monster  Kobespiere,  and  left  to  starve  on  the 
pavement.  How  he  got  back  to  America,  is  not  clearly  ex 
plained  in  the  memoirs,  afterwards  composed  by  him,  or  for 
him,  or  by  any  of  the  historians  who  have  enlightened  the  pub 
lic  on  the  subject.  It  is  most  probable,  that  he  was  assisted  by 
the  American  Consul,  as  an  adopted  citizen  of  the  United  States. 
All  that  is  known  with  certainty,  as  to  this  somewhat  obscure 
portion  of  history,  is,  that  he  did  get  back,  and  very  soon  after  the 
Captain  had  set  out  on  his  perigrinations,  he  unexpectedly  fell 
in  with  his  old  master,  and  gladly  joined  him  in  his  former  ca 
pacity.  He  was  not  much  improved  in  morals,  or  intelligence, 
by  travel ;  but  had  lost  none  of  his  assurance ;  rather  had  in 
creased  it,  by  presuming  on  being  a  travelled  person,  and  hav 
ing  the  accomplishment  of  being  able  to  interlard  his  speech 
with  an  occasional  French  phrase,  such  wparlez  vouz — qiii  va 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  15 

Idr—  a?V  enfer — que  diable — out  Monsieur — and   such  like,   with 
the  addition  of  the  corresponding   shrug  of  the  shoulders. 

We  resume  the  narrative,  at  the  place,  where  the  Captain 
and  Teague  had  arrived  within  a  mile  of  the  village  ;  the  Cap 
tain  having  resolved  to  return  home,  to  rest  himself  for  awhile. 
It  may  be  noticed,  that  as  a  part  of  his  farm  was  within  the 
borough  limits,  he  might  be  said  to  be  a  resident  of  the  town; 
and  here  we  must  relate  what  seemed  to  announce  a  thrilling 
adventure 

Passing  through  a  wood,  just  on  the  skirts  of  the  village,  he 
saw  at  some  distance,  the  resemblance  of  men,  suspended  on 
the  limbs  of  trees,  or  what  at  first,  appeared  to  be  such,  but  on 
a  nearer  approach,  proved  to  be  the  excuvise  of  men,  such  as 
coats,  waist-coats,  breeches  and  hats.  The  attention  of  our 
hero,  being  at  once  arrested  by  these  phenomena,  if  they  may 
be  so  called,  and  checking  his  horse,  he  called  to  Teague,  and 
said,  what  can  this  be  ?  Is  it  probable,  Teague,  that  some  of 
the  wags  of  the  village,  hearing  of  your  return  with  me,  have 
been  making  what  they  call  Paddies,  by  way  of  welcome  home? 
It  is  certainly  not  done  for  the  purpose  of  showing  their  respect 
for  you. 

By  Saint  Patrick,  said  Teague,  I'll  Paddy  dem,  wid  a  Shelala 
Is  dis  all  dere  manners,  bad  luck  to  dem,  an  me  jist  from 
de  great  nation  across  de  salt  water,  and  helped  to  put  down 
Robber  Speer.  Paddies  !  troth  an  I'll  Paddy  dem.  But  may 
be,  'tis  some  poor  spalpeen,  dey  have  hung  up,  just  for  shape- 
stealing,  as  dey  do  in  Ireland. 

I  see  nothing  said  the  Captain,  but  the  emptyings  of  ward 
robes,  jibbeted  through  the  grove ;  stretched  on  trees,  or  sus 
pended  from  them,  phenomena  which  I  am  unable  to  com 
prehend  or  explain;  for  I  see  no  corn  growing  underneath, 
from  which  a  scare-crow  might  affright  the  birds ;  nor  can 
they  be  vestments  of  people,  at  work  near  hand,  or  stripped  to 
bathe,  as  I  see  no  water  pond,  or  river,  but  a  dry  grove.  - 

In  the  midst  of  those  conjectures,  respecting  the  strange 
sight  before  them,  they  were  suddenly  overtaken  by  an  old  ac 
quaintance,  John  Martin,  the  village  school-master,  and  even  a 
Latinist,  but  his  scholars  falling  off,  he  had  of  late,  been  em- 


16  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

ployed  as  a  tax  collector.  After  the  usual  salutations,  inquiry 
was  made,  respecting  the  objects  which  had  puzzled  the  Captain 
and  his  man.  Those  habiliments  said  Martin,  are  of  the  peo 
ple  of  the  village,  urbis  populi — who  have  hung  them  up  to  the 
dew,  in  order  to  take  off  the  musk  of  a  pole  cat,  which  had 
effected  them,  from  the  perfusions  of  one  of  these  animals,  now 
ecce  signum.  But  I  perceive,  that  in  or  der  to  let  you  more 
fully  into  the  knowledge  of  the  business,  with  which  you  do  not 
appear  to  be  acquainted — rerum  cognocere  causas — must  detail 
more  fully,  the  circumstance,  which  gave  rise  to  this  affair, 
which  is  of  no  common  or  trifling  nature.  You  must  know, 
then,  that  not  long  before  this,  a  typographist,  had  set  up  a 
paper  in  the  village,  and  in  the  capacity  of  editor,  had  chosen 
to  assume  the  symbol,  or  hieroglyphic,  of  the  Porcupine.  A 
happy  nature  had  fitted  him  for  a  satyrist,  and  felicity  of  edu 
cation  was  not  wanting  to  qualify  him  for  the  office.  He 
had  not  the  pleasantry  of  Horace,  nor  the  pungency  of  Juvenal, 
but  an  original  stricture  of  his  own,  that  supplied  the  place  of 
them.  It  had  a  coarseness,  and  roughness,  which  is  expressed 
by  Horace,  in  the  words  defricuit  urbem.  The'truth  is,  he  had 
been  bred  in  the  barracks,  and  had  at  his  fingers  ends,  the 
familiar  phrases  of  the  soldiery,  with  that  species  of  wit,  which 
is  common  with  that  occupation  of  men,  and -in  that  grade. 
Doubtless  we  see  something  like  it  in  the  plebeians  of  all  clas 
ses  and  denominations  :  the  women  that  sell  fish  at  a  certain 
stand  in  London,  have  a  species  of  it  known  by  the  name  of 
Billingsgate,  either  because  there  is  a  gate  of  that  name  near 
the  place,  or  formerly  was  one.  The  miners  and  coal  heavers 
have  a  good  deal  of  it.  The  scavengers  and  chimney  sweepers 
are  adepts,  though  without  the  least  scholastic  education,  or 
knowledge  of  letters.  I  have  known  even  in  our  own  country, 
where  we  are  remote  from  the  seats  of  the  muses,  a  good  deal 
of  it  possessed,  by  way  travellers,  or  boat  men  on  our  rivers  ;  a 
kind  of  unshackled  dialect ;  fettered  by  no  rule  of  delicacy,  or 
feeling  of  humanity.  I  have  been  turning  in  my  mind  what 
word  in  our  English  language,  best  expresses  it,  and  I  have 
found  it  to  be  that  which  has  been  given  it  by  Thomas  Paine, 
black-guardism.  For  what  man  without  indignation  can  bear 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  17 

the  touch  of  the  slanderer,  more  especially  if  that  slander  is  of 
a  private,  and  domestic  nature,  and  alludes  to  what  cannot  be 
explained  or  defended  ?  Not  that  it  is  true,  but  a  man  iu  the 
just  pride  of  standing  in  society,  would  scorn  to  appeal  to  the 
public  or  bring  it  before  a  court ! 

There  was  in  the  village  a  man  of  understanding,  and  sensi 
bility,  who  had  been  the  subject  of  caricature,  and  not  choosing 
for  reasons  that  weighed  with  himself,  to  take  it  in  good  part, 
thought  of  retaliation.  But  what  could  he  do  ?  The  same  lan 
guage  was  unbecoming  a  gentleman.  The  like  strictures  of 
foibles  or  of  faults  on  the  part  of  an  adversary,  could  only  be 
come  the  character  of  one  equally  low  bred.  Nor  was  it  so  much 
his  object  to  repress  the  licentiousness  of  this  buffoon  as  to  correct 
the  taste  and  judgment  of  the  public,  who  did  not  all  at  once, 
distinguish  the  impropriety  of  countenancing  such  ribaldry. 

With  a  view  to  this,  having  taken  a  pole-cat  on  the  mountains, 
he  had  put  it  in  a  cage,  and  hiring  an  office  contiguous  to  that 
of  the  Porcupine,  he  kept  it  there,  suffering  the  boys  of  the  vil 
lage  to  provoke  it,  and  the  dogs  to  bark  at  it  through  the  bars. 
It  was  in  vain  to  complain;  th3  owner  called  himself  Paul 
Polecat,  and  when  Porcupine  expostulated  and  justified  his  gall 
by  the  freedom  of  the  press,  Paul  fortified  himself  on  the  lib 
erty  of  the  express. 

But  it  was  not  Porcupine  alone,  nor  his  unoffending  wife  and 
family,  that  had  reason  to  complain  of  this  nuisance.  The 
children  running  home  to  their  parents,  and  the  dogs  with 
them,  brought  the  perfume  to  the  houses  of  the  village.  The 
wearing  apparel  of  almost  every  one  was  affected  with  the 
musk;  the  women  buried  their  dresses;  the  men  in  some  in 
stances  did  the  like,  and  in  others  hung  them  up  to  the  action 
of  the  air,  and  the  dews  of  the  adjoining  wood. 

While  the  quondam  school  master,  was  occupied  in  giving 
this  explanation,  the  party  had  been  slowiy  approaching  the 
town  They  had  now  got  within  sight  of  the  main  square, 
when  a  tumultuous  assembly  struck  the  eye;  some  with  fists 
raised ;  others  with  sticks,  and  all  in  a  menacing  attitude. 
They  could  also  hear  tongues  of  people  altercating  with  one 
another,  and  using  opprobrious  epithets. 


18  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

In  fact,  the  village  had  become  divided,  into  two  parties. 
Those  who  had  boen  the  subjects  of  the  obloquy  of  Porcupine, 
justified  the  emission  of  the  cats,  and  were  of  opinion  that  the 
one  had  as  good  a  right  to  be  borne  as  the  other.  Counsel  had 
been  taken,  and  learned  opinions  given.  But  this  making  the 
matter  no  better,  the  dissention  had  increased,  and  the  people 
had  come  together  in  a  rage. 

Teague  at  a  distance  seeing  this,  stopped  short ;  said  he, 
what  means  all  dis  paple  in  de  street?  It  is  as  bad  as  Saint 
Antone  in  Paris,  or  de  place  de  greeve  where  dey  have  de  gul- 
lintiue.  De  devil  burn  me  if  1  go  farder/till  your  honor  goes 
on  and  sees  what  is  de  matter.  Barm  tar  and  fedder.s,  I'm 
not  afraid  of  de  best  of  dern. 

The  Captain  advancing  to  the  populace,  was  recognized  by 
them,  and  his  appearance  contributed  not  a  little  to  a  longer 
suspension  of  hostilities,  for  notwithstanding  his  supposed  ec 
centricities,  he  was  held  in  esteem  as  a  man  of  sound  sense,  and 
as  a  good  citizen. 

Countrymen  and  fellow  citizens,  said  he,  is  this  the  satisfac 
tion  that  I  have,  in  returning  amongst  you  after  an  absence  of 
some  months,  to  see  man  armed  against  man,  and  war  waged 
not  only  in  the  very  bosom  of  the  republic,  but  in  the  village 
which  I  regard  as  my  home,  and  for  whose  benefit  I  have  trav 
elled,  to  acquire  a  knowledge  of  the  ways  of  other  men,  and 
other  societies.  Multorum  Jiominum  et  urbes,  interrupted  Mar" 
tin.  What  can  be  the  madness  that  possesses  you  ?  are  not 
the  evils  of  life  sufficient?  but  you  must  increase  them  by  the 
positive  acts  of  your  own  violence  !  You  cannot  wholly  pre 
serve  yourselves  at  all  times  free  from  the  maladies  of  the  body, 
or  the  distresses  of  the  mind.  But  it  is  in  your  power  greatly 
to  assuage  these,  by  the  virtues  of  temperance  and  moderation- 
What  fury  can  prompt  you,  to  this  degree  of  apparent  resent" 
ment,  and  approaching  tumult.  Is  it  local  or  general  politics? 
Is  it  any  disagreement  with  regard  to  your  corporate  interests, 
or  is  religion  the  cause  ?  Has  any  flagrant  instance  of  moral 
turpitude,  or  exceeding  knavery  in  an  individual,  roused  you 
to  this  excess  of  violence,  and  exclamation  ? 

Captain,  said  a  middle  aged  man  stepping  forward,  compan- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  19 

ion  of  his  years,  Mr.  Joseph  Cecil,  the  barber  of  the  village,* 
Captain,  it  is  not  only  pleasing  to  see  you  return  in  apparent 
good  health,  but  more  especially,  at  this  particular  moment 
when  your  interference  cannot  but  be  of  the  greatest  use,  to  the 
citizens  ;  not  only  on  account  of  that  confidence  which,  they 
have  in  your  judgment  and  discretion,  of  which  they  have  a 
lively  recollection  ;  but  as  they  must  naturally  think  that  your 
travelling  has  given   you  knowledge,  and  brought  you  home 
full   fraught  with    learning    and  information.     Your   public 
spirit,  your  judicious  plans  for  the  advancement  of  general  and 
individual  prosperity,  are  gratefully  acknowledged.     Your  hu 
manity  is  also  well  remembered  by  them;  that  man,  woman, 
or  child  was  never  injured  by  you,  in  life,  estate,  or  reputation; 
that  on  the  contrary,  it  was  always  your  study  to  do  good,  and 
compose  differences,  and  prevent  lawsuits.     Now  a  misfortune 
has  happened  to  the  village;  if  I  can  call  it  a  misfortune, 
which  was  at  first  thought  a  good;  a  printer  came  to  this  placo 
and  set  up  a  paper,  or  gazette,  by  taking  subscriptions  from 
those  that  were  willing  to  give  them.     His  device  was  the  por 
cupine,  figured  at  the  head  of  the  paper,  with  quills  erect,  and 
ready  to  be  discharged.     Scarcely  a  month  had  gone  over  his 
head  before  he  began  to  lampoon ;  searching  into  the  secrets 
of  families,  and  publishing  matters  of  individuals,  with  which, 
whether  true  or  false,  the  public  had  nothing  to  do;  and  this  in 
so  low  and  disorderly  a  manner,  that  the  more  intelligent  have 
disapproved  of  it ;  but  the  bulk  read,  and  it  seems  to  increase 
rather  than  curtail  his  subscribers,  for  all  but  those  who  had 
been  stung  by  the   sharp  points  of  his  quills,  are  pleased.     A 
young  man  on  the  other  hand,  a  scholar  and  a  wag,  meaning  to 
burlesque  his  manner  of  writing,  having  gone  to  the  mountain 
with  a  dog,  or  a  trap,  and  having  taken  a  pole  cat,  he  puts  the 
beast  in  a  cage;  hires  that  frame  building  that  you  see,  one 
story  high,  and  but  a  room  on  a  floor,  and  calls  it  his  office. — 
Here  he  places  the  pole-cat  with  a  man  to  attend  it.    What 

*The  barber  and  hair  dresser,  was  a  much  more  important  per 
sonage,  than  at  the  present  day.  He  usually  went  his  rounds  every 
morning,  to  the  principal  houses,  shaved,  dressed  hair,  and  gossipsd 


20  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

a  running  of  boys ;  what  a  barking  of  dogs  vre  have  had  1  and 
•when  the  children|[ran  home,  and  the  dogs  after  them;  what  a 
putting  of  the  hand  upon  the  nose,  by  the  servant  girls  and  the 
mistresses,  at  the  smell  that  accompanies  !^  The  young  man 
justifies  himself  under  the  pretence  that  it  is  but  retaliation  of 
the  odour  that  proceeds  from  the  press  of  Porcupine ;  for  as 
this  effects  the  organ  of  smelling,  that  disgusts  the  judgment 
of  the  mind.  The  people  are  divided,  as  will  always  be  the 
case,  if  for  no  other  cause,  yet  for  the  sake  of  division ; 
because  the  pride  of  one  man  forbids  him  to  think  just  as  anoth 
er  does.  The  adversaries  of  the  skunk,  or  what  else  it  is,  insist 
that  it  shall  be^put  down  as  a  nuisance,  and  have  met  with 
clubs,  staves  and  knives,  to  carry  the  threat  into  execution. — 
The  advocates  of  the  animal  on  the  other  hand  have  convened 
to'oppose  them. 

But,  said  the  Captain,  did  I  not  leave  you  a  regular  corpora- 
tionJ^Have  you  not  power  to  make  bye-laws?  and  is  not  this 
done  upon  notice  given  by  the  chief  or  assistant  burgesses  ? 
Why  such  hurry  scurry  as  this  ?  Moreover  it  is  a  weighty 
question  that  agitates  the  public  mind ;  question  of  right : 
and  where  the  rights  of  the  citizen  come  in  question,  I  hold  it 
a  most  delicate  thing  to  decide;  in  a  free  government,  more 
especially,  where  the  essence  of  liberty  is  the  preservation  of 
right ;  and  there  is  the  right  of  conscience,  the  right  of  prop 
erty,  the'jright  of  reputation,  and  the  right  to  be  heard,  which 
is  necessary  for  the  security  of  all  other  rights.  This  is  a  right 
of  property ;  for  if  this  animal  which  is  feree  naturse,  has  been 
reclaimed  by  the  owner,  he  has  a  right  to  put  it  to  such  use 
as  Jsuits  his  trade,  or  accords  with  his  whim,  provided  that  it 
does  not  affect  the  rights  of  others.  The  limit,  boundary,  or 
demarkation^of  this^use,  is  a  question  of  wise  discussion  and 
examination;  and  [not  in  a  tumultuous  assembly,  heated  not 
with  whiskey,£but  with  the  ardency  of  their  own  spirits.  I 
advise  therefore,  and  so  far  as  my  weak  judgment  deserves  to 
be  regarded — would  recommend  that  each  man  lay  down  his 
ehelalah,  baton,  or  walking-stick,  and  retire  for  the  evening; 
and  convene  to-morrow  in  a  regular  town  meeting,  where  the 
advereariei  and  advocates  on  both  sides  may  have^an  opportu- 


MODERN   CUIVALRY.  21 

nity  of  being  heard.  To-morrow  when  ye  meet  with  the  chief 
burgess  in  the  chair,  to  keep  order,  and  preserve  decorum, 
assign  the  proper  times  of  speaking,  and  call  to  order  on  a  devia 
tion  from  the  subject,  as  is  usual  in  deliberative  assemblies,  the 
business  can  be  taken  up,  and  conducted  as  is  proper  in  town 
meetings.  I  am  now  just  from  my  travels,  somewhat  fatigued, 
but  more  moved  by  the  consideration  that  I  am  on  horse-back, 
and  it  is  not  becoming  that  I  take  a  part  in  your  debates  as  if 
my  horse  were  to  speak  also.  And  it  is  even  indecorous  for 
myself  to  sit  here  and  speak,  mounted,  as  occupying  a  more 
elevated  station;  and  should  I  dismount,  my  man  you  see 
yonder,  is  kept  at  bay,  by  an  apprehension  of  your  weapons, 
and  refuses  to  come  up,  so  that  I  am  without  an  attendant  to 
hold  the  beast ;  all  things  considered  therefore,  I  move,  a 
chairman  not  being  appointed,  who  might  put  the  question, 
that  you  adjourn,  and  dissolve  until  to-morrow  about  this  time, 
when  the  matter  may  be  taken  up  as  we  now  have  it,  and  the 
affair  canvassed  as  becomes  members  of  the  same  community, 
and  inhabitants  of  the  same  village. 

It  cannot  be  difficult  to  conceive  that  these  words  had  a 
favorable  effect  upon  the  audience;  as  oils  compose  a  storm; 
for  as  the  waves  of  the  ocean  rise  and  fall  suddenly,  so  the 
passions  of  men;  and  in  no  instance  more  than  where  they  are 
coming  to  blows.  Approaching  anger  disposes  to  peace,  every 
one  having  felt  half  a  blow  already  on  his  head  ;  and  the  diffi 
culty  only  is  to  get  an  excuse,  for  returning,  or  sheathing  the 
weapon.  They  are  much  obliged  to  a  man  that  counsels  con 
cord  ;  and  advises  the  putting  down  the  brickbat,  or  putting  on 
tlje  coat.  Even  in  duelling  it  holds  the  same,  and  the  principal 
is  a  friend  to  the  second  ever  after,  that  manages  the  matter  so 
wisely  that  no  blood  is  shed. 

It  was  moved  and  seconded  that  in  the  mean  time,  the  keep 
er,  or  as  he  called  himself,  the  editor  of  the  pole-cat,  should 
keep  his  charge  within  the  claustrum,  or  bars  of  his  cage,  and 
covered  with  a  matting,  so  that  access  might  not  be  had  to 
him,  by  man  or  beast,  or  egress  on  his  part,  of  that  offensive 
odour,  which  had  been  the  cause  of  the  disturbance.  This,  the 
p  artizans  of  the  skunk  were  willing  to  admit  and  sanction  with 


22  HODERX   CHIVALRY. 

their  acquiescence,  on  condition,  nevertheless,  that  the  Porcu 
pine  in  the  mean  time,  should  also  restrain  his  quills ;  in  other 
words,  suspend  the  effusions  of  his  press,  and  cease  to  distrib 
ute  papers  for  a  day  or  two,  during  the  pendency  of  the  debate. 
This  was  thought  reasonable,  and  carried  by  the  multitude 
holding  up  their  hands;  and  thus  for  the  present,  hostilities 
were  suspended  by  a  truce,  as  was  often  the  case  among  the 
Romans,  according  to  Livy,  in  their  domestic  broils. 


CHAPTER   II. 


In  which  tJie  proceedings  of  the  town  meeting  are  faithfully  re 
lated. 


THE  day  following,  a  meeting  being  held,  and  the  chief  bur 
gess  in  the  chair,  a  lawyer  who  had  been  engaged  by  Porcu 
pine  took  the  floor  and  spoke. 

Gentlemen  said  he,  the  press  is  the  palladium  of  liberty — 
"  The  image  that  fell  down  from  heaven."*  The  freedom  of 
the  press  is  essential  to  libery.  Shackle  the  press,  and  you  re 
strain  freedom.  The  constitutions  of  the  states  have  provided 
that  the  press  shall  be  free.  If  you  muzzle  this,  you  muzzle 
the  mouth  of  man.  You  destroy  the  means  of  asserting  and 
defending  his  liberty.  You  assail  the  tree  at  its  root.  It  is  the 
canker  worm  of  despotism,  which  strives  in  vain,  until  it  de 
stroys  the  liberty  of  the  press. 

It  is  not  the  freedom  of  the  press,  said  one  interrupting  him, 
it  is  the  abuse  of  it  that  is  in  question. 

The  chief  burgess  called  to  order,  and  the  speaker  went  on. 

That  is  the  point  said  he  to  which  I  meant  to  come.     What 

""According  to  the  Roman  fable,  an  image  of  Mars  fall  down  from 
heaven,  and  was  preserved  in  the  Capitol,  under  the  belief  that 
while  kept  there,  the  Republic  would  be  safe. 


> 

MODERN    CniVALBY.  23 

shall  be  said  to  the  abuse  of  the  press  ?     In  order  to  determine 
this,  we  must  consider  its  use.     This  is  ; 

1.  The  amusement  of  the  editor.     For  as  some  men  amuse 
themselves,  shooting,  fishing,  or  chasing  wild  beasts,  so  men  of 
literary  taste,  find  their  recreation  in  penning  paragraphs  for  a 
paper,  sometimes  containing  information,  or  observations  on 
the  fate  of  empires,  and  the  character  of  great  men;  at  other  times 
by  descending,  or  not  rising  at  all,  but  confining  themselves 
to  the  subordinate  affairs  of  individuals,  and  private  persons. 
Some  men  love  to  impart  information,  and  they  find  in  it  the  re 
ward  of  their  labour.     These  are  of  higher  natures,  who  love 
to  do  good  without  other  hope  of  reward. 

2.  The  profit  of  the  editor  :  and  this  depends  on  the  number 
of  subscribers.     It  is  not  every  one  that  has  a  taste  for  refined 
writing.     Filth  and  garbage  delight  bears  ;  .and  swine  swill  the 
trough  in  preference  to  the  running  stream.     Scurrility  is  the 
gout  of  many.     Nay,  it  is  the  more  prevailing  taste : 

"  The  world  is  naturally  averse 
To  all  the  truth  it  sees  or  hears  ; 
But  swallows  nonsense  and  a  lie, 
With  greediness  and  gluttony." 

In  Britain,  or  some  other  countries,  delicacy  may  succeed. 
But  the  coarse  stomachs  of  the  Americans  crave  indecency  ;  at 
least  a  portion  of  it.  Rough  like  their  own  woods  and  wild 
beasts,  they  digest  scurrility. 

Well  spoken,  said  the  lawyer  of  the  Pole  cat  man,  as  soon  as 
the  counsel  for  Porcupine  had  stopped  to  spit,  and  turn  his 
quid — But  does  not  his  argument,  equally  justify  the  freedom 
of  the  Polecat  ?  You  talk  of  the  freedom  of  the  press.  Here 
is  the  freedom  of  the  express.  Nay  the  word  expression  which 
is  common  to  both  institutions,  the  artificial  one  of  the  types» 
and  the  natural  one  of  the  cat,  shows  the  original  to  be  similar, 
and  the  comparison  to  run  on  all  fours.  If  the  ink  cast  into 
black  letter,  and  carrying  with  it  pain  and  pungency  from  the 
ideas  communicated,  is  tolerated ;  much  more  the  volatile 
alkali  of  the  animal  that  is  now  set  up,  is  to  be  borne,  as  not 
more  offensive  to  body  or  mind.  Shall  the  bark  of  trees  made 


*24  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

into  powder,  and  this  powder  into  a  liquid,  impregnated  with 
thought,  and  put  upon  paper,  and  carried  to  the  press,  be 
accounted  harmless,  notwithstanding  the  violence  of  the  decoc 
tion,  yet  the  wild  cats  that  inhabit  these  trees,  and  are  denizens 
of  the  forest,  must  be  prohibited  because  of  a  bag  under  their 
tails  which  contains  an  unsavoury  secretion,  and  may  occasion 
ally  be  spurted  upon  men? 

Porcupine's  lawyer  resumed.  The  principles  of  the  common 
law  embrace  this  case.  It  is  unlawful  to  exercise  trades  in 
^own  that  occasion  noisome  smells  ;  they  are  abateable  as  nui 
sances.  It  is  therefore,  entirely  different  from  the  press,  which 
offends  none  of  the  senses.  The  cases  are  uotparattcl,  although 
"  they  run  on  all  fours." 

Grant  it,  said  the  juris-consult,  on  the  pole-cat  side;  but 
when  it  is  in  retaliation,  or  in  self-defence  against  an  editor 
whose  defamation  is  more  offensive  to  the  feelings  of  the  mind, 
than  the  hogo  of  a  civit  to  the  sense  of  smelling  ;  or  when  it  is 
used  in  burlesque,  and  by  way  of  analogy  and  symbol,  to  explain 
the  impropriety  of  encouraging  personal  abuse  by  taking 
papers — it  may  correct  by  loading  to  reflection.  The  mind  may 
be  insensible  to  abstract  lessons,  but  a  paradigm,  or  objoct  set 
before  it  may  affect.  According  to  the  poet,  things  placed 
directly  before  the  eye,  produce  a  much  greater  effect  than  when 
only  described. 

Segnius  irritant  animos  demissa  per  aurem — exclaimed  the 
latin  school  master.  As  to  this  man  exercising  his  trade,  con 
tinued  the  lawyer,  it  is  an  occupation  which  can  be  carried  on 
to  a  advantage  only  in  a  town ;  for  it  is  in  towns  chiefly 
that  editors  assemble  ;  and  it  is  by  setting  up  under  our  noses, 
and  affecting  the  readers,  that  the  impression  is  made.  For  if 
the  public  will  receive  libels  into  their  houses  for  the  use  of 
themselves  and  families,  let  them  take  a  little  of  this  hartshorn 
with  it,  and  if  they  will  have  the  one,  bear  the  other.  A  ground 
of  the  common  law  is  general  reason  adapted  to  particular 
cases.  I  grant  that  it  even  goes  so  far  as  to  make  the  keeping 
hogs  in  a  pen  near  my  window,  in  towns,  a  nuisance  ;  but  this 
is  a  town  incorporated,  and  can  by  a  bye-law  regulate  a  new 


'  MODERN    CHIVALRY.  25 

trade.  I  hold  it  to  be  a  matter  of  vote  whether  this  quadruped 
shall  be  tolerated  or  excluded. 

The  advocate  for  the  press  rejoined.  The  common  law,  said 
he,  protects  the  press.  It  is  the  right  of  the  tongue  transferred 
to  the  hand  :  it  ought  to  be  as  free  as  the  air  that  we  breathe. 
The  privilege  as  unfettered  as  the  organs  of  articulation.  But 
what  is  there  in  the  common  law  to  protect  from  the  aspersion 
of  this  animal  with  its  foeted  odour,  perhaps  the  cause  of 
epidemics  ? 

The  polecat  man  replied.  It  is  on  principle  and  by  analogy, 
said  he,  that  it  is  protected.  Does  not  the  law  of  water  courses 
apply  to  this  ?  If  a  man  divert  a  stream  from  my  meadow,  or 
obstruct  one  running  through  it,  so  as  to  dam  it  up,  and  drown 
the  grass,  have  not  I  a  remedy  ?  Shall  this  man  at  much 
expense  and  charge  bring  a  beast  from  the  mountains,  tame  it, 
or  reduce  it  under  his  dominion,  and  apply  it  to  a  purpose  in 
civilized  and  domestic  life,  and  shall  we  say  that  the  common 
law  does  not  protect  him  in  the  enjoyment  of  its  musk  ? 

The  advocate  on  the  side  of  Porcupine  rejoined.  So  use  your 
own,  said  he,  that  you  trespass  not  upon  another  man's.  If 
you  keep  your  smell,  and  hogs  at  home  to  your  own  nose,  there 
is  no  objection.  But  in  the  nature  of  the  thing  it  cannot  be  ; 
for  the  air  is  the  natural  conducter ;  and  therefore  it  cannot 
but  exist  a  nuisance. 

Surrejoinder;  but  after  all,  is  it  more  a  nuisance  than  the 
press,  which  it  has  in  view  to  correct  ? 

At  this  instant  a  commotion  was  perceivable  amongst  the 
multitude :  not  on  occount  of  what  was  said,  or  meaning  any 
disturbance^of  the  debate  ;  but  the  rumour  was,  that  a  fresh  cat 
had  been  brought  from  the  hills  above  the  town,  and  was  on  its 
way  to  the  pole-cat  man  who  had  offered  a  reward  for  an  addi 
tional  puss  to  increase  his  stock  ;  and  as  it  was  conjectered, 
meant  to  play  it  off  under  the  pretext  that  the  prohibition 
contained  in  the  armistice  extended  only  to  the  individual 
beast  that  he  had  before  in  his  possession. 

The  Captain,  at  this,  rising,  said:  this  is  not  fair.  It  is 
within  the  reason  if  not  the  express  words  of  the  convention, 
that  all  annoyances  by  steam,  vapour  or  effluvia  proceeding 


2(3  MODERX   CHIVALRY. 

from  a  pole-cat  shall  be  suspended  during  the  pendency  of  this 
question ;  and  it  is  an  evasion  to  substitute  another  badger,  and 
by  that  means  attempt  to  elude  the  stipulation. 

The  pole-cat  man  got  up  to  explain.  It  is  far  from  me,  said 
he,  to  elude  or  evade  the  performance  of  the  stipulation.  The 
fact  is,  that  hearing  a  day  or  two  ago,  that  Porcupine  was  about 
to  enlarge  his  sheet,  and  for  that  purpose  had  employed  a  jour" 
neyrnan,  more,  I  thought  it  not  amiss  to  extend  the  scale  of  my 
vapour,  and  employ  two  conduits  instead  of  one.  For  that  pur 
pose,  I  had  sent  to  the  woods  for  another  cat,  which  is  now  on 
the  way,  but  in  a  leathern  bag  by  my  directions,  and  not  to 
have  regress  or  egress,  until  this  assembly  shall  dissolve,  nor 
for  a  reasonable  time  after,  that  eundo,  and  redeundo  or  going, 
as  well  as  coming,  you  may  be  safe,  let  what  will  be  the  issue 
of  the  controversy ;  whether  I  am  to  break  up  stock,  or  be 
suffered  to  go  on. 

This  explanation  gave  satisfaction,  and  composed  the 
assembly. 

John  Robeson  the  carpenter,  who  was  something  of  a  wag, 
now  occupied  the  floor.  I  am,  said  he  for  supporting  the  press. 
The  objection  i«,  that  it  is  a  black-guard  press.  But  while  there 
are  black-guards  to  write  and  to  read,  must  they  not  have  a  press? 
Is  it  only  men  of  polished  education  that  have  the  rightto  express 
their  sentiments?  Let  them  write  in  magazines,  or  have 
gazettes  of  their  own;,  but  not  restrict  the  right  that  people  of 
a  less  cultivated  understanding,  have  to  amuse  themselves 
and  others  with  their  lucubrations.  You  call  us  the  Swinish 
multitude  ;  and  yet  refuse  us  the  food  that  is  natural  to  us. 
Are  there  not  amongst  us  those  that  have  no  relish  for  disquisi 
tions  on  the  balance  of  power,  or  form  of  governments,  argricul- 
tural  essays,  or  questions  of  finance,  but  can  relish  a  laugh 
raised  at  the  expense  of  the  master  of  a  family  ;  or  a  public 
character  in  high  station  ;  if  for  no  other  reason,  but  because 
it  gratifies  the  self-love  of  those  who  cannot  attain  the  same 
eminence?  Take  away  from  us  this  and  what  have  we  more? 
What  is  the  press  to  us,  but  as  it  gratifies  envy?  Is  there  to  be 
an  end  to  tne  lies,  ribaldry  and  abuse,  so  necessary  for  the 
amusement  of  the  people?  One  might  as  well  attempt  to  put  down 


MODERN   CH1TALRY.  27 

bull  fights  in  Spain,  boxing  in  England,  or  beer  drinking  and 
smoking,  in  Germany. 

I  think  said  a  bookish  taylor,  named  Finnimore,  now 
rising,  I  think  the  gentleman  means  to  be  ironical.  But  let  us 
take  the  matter  seriously.  I  am  on  the  same  side  with  him, 
but  not  for  the  same  reasons.  I  take  it  that  scurrility  may  be 
useful  to  those  that  hear  it  and  are  the  subjects  of  it.  It  may 
bring  to  a  man's  knowledge,  and  serve  to  correct  foibles  that  he 
wonld  not  otherwise  have  been  conscious  of.  Men  will  bear 
from  the  buffoon  or  jester,  things  they  would  not  take  from  a 
friend,  and  scarcely  from  a  confessor.  It  was  on  this  principle 
that  in  the  middle  ages  of  Europe,  a  profession  of  men  was 
indulged  in  the  houses  of  the  great,  called  the  Joculators.  So 
late  as  the  time  of  James  I,  we  had  one  of  these  of  the  name  of 
Archy.  The  Duke  of  Buckingham  having  taken  offence  at 
something  that  he  said,  had  him  whipped.  It  was  thought 
beneath  a  man  of  honor  to  have  taken  notice  of  it  and  inflicted 
punishment.  I  consider  the  bulk  of  our  editors  as  succeeding 
to  the  joculators  of  the  early  periods ;  and  as  the  knights  of 
character  and  dignity  of  those  times  were  not  bound  to  notice 
the  sallies  however  gross  of  jesters  ;  so  now  a  gentleman  is  not 
bound  to  notice  the  defamation  of  gazettes ;  nay,  as  in  the 
former  instance,  it  was  deemed  uncourteous  and  unbecoming  to 
resent  what  the  fool  said,  so  now  what  a  printer  chooses  to 
publish.  Selden  in  his  table-talk  remarks,  "  that  a  gallant 
man  is  above  ill  words.  We  have  an  example  of  this  in  the 
old  lord  of  Salisbury,  who  was  a  great  wise  man.  Stone  had 
called  some  lord  about  the  court,  fool.  The  lord  complains, 
and  has  Stone  whipped.  Stone  cries,  I  might  have  called  my 
lord  of  Salisbury  often  enough,  fool,  before  he  would  have 
had  me  whipped."  As  in  the  case  of  the  Merry  Andrew,  even 
when  there  was  no  wit,  it  was  taken  for  wit;  so  now,  when  an 
editor  means  to  divert,  howewr  dull  his  abuse,  it  ought  to  be 
the  mode  to  laugh,  to  keep  those  who  knew  no  better  in  coun 
tenance. 

The  Captain  rising  and  putting  himself  in  the  attitude  of 
speaking,  seemed  to  claim  the  attention  of  the  audience.  I 
would  wish  to  know,  said  he,  how  the  ancients  managed  these 


28  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

matters ;  in  the  Republics  of  Greece  and  Home,  especially. 
For  since  I  have  been  abroad  and  heard  public  speeches, 
I  find  that  it  is  no  unusual  thing  to  draw  illustrations  from  the 
sayings  and  doings  of  antiquity.  In  deliberative  assemblies, 
talking  of  governments,  they  tell  you  of  the  Amphytrionic 
Council ;  the  Achean  league,  the  Ionian  confederacy.  What 
was  the  freedom  of  the  press  at  Athens  or  at  Rome  ? 

The  freedom  of  tKo  press,  said  the  latinist,  interposing — 
there  was  no  press  at  those  places,  or  those  times.  The  invention 
of  printing  is  of  a  later  date.  But  they  had  what  they  called 
the  stylum — whence  the  word  style — and  they  impressed  their 
thoughts  upon  wax.  They  made  use  of  ink  in  copying  upon 
vellum  and  parchment.  But  notwithstanding  the  want  of  a 
press,  they  were  not  without  satyric  salt  in  their  writings. 
Cum  grane  sails — as  Horace  expresses  it.  Nor  are  we  to  sup 
pose  that  they  were  altogether  free  from  what  we  denominate 
scurrility.  They  could  call  a  spade  a  spade.  Aristophanes 
was  a  black-guard.  His  comedy  of  the  clouds  is  a  sufficient 
specimen.  Lucilius,  amongst  the  Romans,  was  a  rough  man. 
Cum  lutulentus  flueret.  Do  we  suppose  that  nature  was  not 
then  the  same  as  it  is  now  ?  On  board  the  Roman  gallies  was 
there  no  low  humours  ?  In  the  Roman  camps  none  ?  In  the 
Forum  no  occasional  ribaldry  ?  Would  not  this  naturally  get 
up  into  higher  walks  ?  Would  not  this  creep  into  corporations  ? 
sometimes  in  verse;  sometimes  in  prose.  The  poet  speaks  of 
the  Fesscenine  verses.  Amongst  the  Romans  the  Saturnalia, 
or  days  of  Saturn,  became  a  festival  in  which  it  was  allowable 
to  exercise  their  faculties  in  all  intemperance  of  language. 

This  is  all  wide  of  the  question,  said  a  little  man  with  a  short 
body,  and  long  legs,  known  as  Johney  Cooper  the  leathern 
breeches  maker,  holding  his  hand  upon  his  nose — It  is,  shall 
we  tolerate  the  pole-cat  in  this  village  ? — for  in  spite  of  all  the 
pains  that  may  have  been  taken  \o  restrain  the  pet,  and  con 
fine  it  by  a  matting,  I  feel  a  portion  of  the  dregs  this  very  mo 
ment,  come  across  my  nose,  by  a  puff  of  wind  from  that  quar- 
er,  where  it  is.  I  move  that  the  question  be  taken  whether, 
whatever  becomes  of  the  press,  the  nuisance  of  this  beast  be  not 
suffered  in  the  vicinity.  For  what  can  a  newspaper  do,  com- 


MODERN   CHIYALRY.  29 

pared  with  this  ?  It  is  sent  us  and  we  read  or  do  not  read  the 
publication.  But  this  is  involuntary,  on  our  part,  and  there  is 
no  saving  ourselves  from  the  exhalation. 

I  move  the  previous  question,  said  a  civit-man  ;  I  move  that 
the  press  be  put  down. 

There  is  hardship  both  ways,  said  a  respectable  and  elderly 
inhabitant,  Mr.  Gormly,  the  blacksmith  of  the  village.  In  a 
community  different  interests  will  exist.  Family  interests; 
family  attachments  ;  party  connections ;  and  party  interests. 
To  have  a  printer  all  on  one  side,  is  an  inequality.  What  if 
we  prevail  upon  the  owner,  or  as  he  would  call  himself  the 
publisher  of  the  pole-cat,  to  give  up  or  sell  out  his  establish 
ment,  dismiss  the  wild  beast,  or  return  it  to  the  mountains,  and 
institute  in  its  place,  a  counter  press  of  types  and  black-ball, 
that  may  be  a  match  for  Porcupine  ? 

The  Captain,  rising  hastily  ;  a  thing  unusual  with  him  ;  for 
he  was  naturally  grave  and  sedate  ;  but  suddenly  feeling  the 
impulse  of  the  congruity,  he  started  from  his  seat,  and  sec 
onded  the  proposition  for  another  press  ;  for  said  he,  the  yery 
kind  of  editor  qualified  for  such  a  press,  is  at  hand  ;  a  waiter 
of  mine.  A  bog-trotter,  taken,  not  on  the  Balagate,  but  on  the 
Irish  mountains  :  an  aboriginal  of  the  island  ;  notysur  Scotch 
Irish,  so  called,  a  colony  planted  in  Ulster,  by  king  James  the 
1st  of  England,  when  he  subdued  the  natives;  but  a  real 
Paddy,  with  the  brogue  on  his  tongue,  and  none  on  his  feet ; 
brought  up  to  sheep-stealing  from  his  youth  ;  for  his  ancestors 
inhabiting  the  hills,  were  a  kind  of  free-booters,  time  immemo 
rial,  coming  down  to  the  low  grounds,  and  plundering  the  more 
industrious  inhabitants.  Captured  by  traps  set  upon  the  hills 
or  surrounded  in  the  bogs,  attempting  his  escape,  he  had  been 
tamed  and  employed  in  digging  turf,  before  he  came  to  my  hands. 
I  bought  him  from  an  Irish  vessel,  just  as  a  curiosity,  not  that 
I  expected  much  service  from  him ;  but  to  see  what  could  be 
made  of  a  rude  man  by  care  and  patience.  The  rogue  has  a  low 
humour,  and  a  sharp  tongue,  with  unbounded  impudence.  And 
what  may  be  a  restraint  upon  the  licentiousness  of  his  press, 
chould  he  set  up  one,  he  is  a  most  abominable  coward,*  the 

*There  i§  no  braver  people  than  the  Spaniards,  yet  Gervantei  pear 

2* 


30  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

idea  of  a  cudgelling  will  keep  him  in  bounds,  should  he  over 
match  Porcupine,  and  turn  upon  his  employers.  He  has  all 
the  low  phrases,  cant  expressions,  illiberal  reflections,  that  could 
be  collected  from  the  company  he  has  kept  since  he  has  had 
the  care  of  my  horse,  and  run  after  my  heels  in  town  and 
country,  for  several  years  past.  What  is  more,  he  has  been  in 
France,  and  has  a  spice  of  the  language,  and  a  tang  of  Jaco 
binism  in  his  principles  and  conversation,  that  will  match  the 
contrary  leaning  carried  to  an  exorbitant  excess  in  Porcupine. 
I  do  not  know  that  you  can  do  better  than  contribute  to  a  paper 
of  his  setting  up.  He  may  call  it  the  Mully-Grub,  or  give  it 
some  such  title  as  will  bespeak  the  nature  of  the  matter  it  will 
usually  contain. 

The  School  Master  here  put  in  a  word.  I  am  far,  said  he, 
from  a  disposition  to  spoil  sport ;  but  when  the  useful  is  mixed 
with  the  pleasant,  I  count  every  point  gained. 

Oinne  tulitpunctum — 

I  never  had  intended  more,  said  the  pole-cat  man,  than  to 
reach  the  sensations  of  the  multitude,  and  bring  them  to  their 
senses.  It  is  only  by  an  appeal  to  the  sense  of  feeling  that  the 
mind  sometimes  can  be  awakened.  The  public  have  now 
some  idea  that  the  licentiousness  of  the  press,  is  not  more  a 
nuisance  in  the  moral,  than  offensive  smells  are  in  the  physical 
world.  I  shall  agree  that  the  cat  be  removed,  and  as  a  substi 
tute,  shall  subscribe  to  the  Mully-Grub. 

resents  Sancho  as  a  coward.  It  was  necessary  to  the  character,  for 
personal  courage  carries,  with  ii  in  gpite  ot  us,  a  sort  of  respect. 


CHAPTER  III. 

The  Captain  feels  dissatisfied  with  himself  for  offering  Teague 
as  an  Editor,  but  is  unexpectedly  relieved  by  the  fight  of 
Porcupine. 

The  day  after  the  town  meeting,  the  Captain  began  to  re- 
first,  that  he  could  not  avoid  being  implicated  in  the  character 
of  the  paper  about  to  be  established.  O'Regan  was  known  to 
be  his  servant;  at  least  to  be  under  his  influence,  and  he  would 
be  considered  the  real  editor,  and  Teague  the  ostensible;  and 
though  the  fact  was  known  at  home,  that  he  had  nothing  to  do 
with  it,  yet  abroad  it  would  bear  a  different  construction,  and 
lefutation  would  be  difficult.  Having  supported  the  character 
of  a  gentleman,  and  being  still  willing  to  support  that  charac 
ter,  how  could  he  endure  to  have  the  volumes  of  scurrility,  that 
would  appear,  imputed  to  him ;  or  supposed  to  be  admitted 
with  his  approbation  ?  Uneasy  with  this  upon  his  mind,  he 
could  see  no  way  to  get  out  of  the  labyrinth  in  which  he  had 
involved  himself,  by  inadvertently  proposing  Teague.  He 
thought  it  however  his  duty,  to  disclose  to  the  bog-trotter,  the 
office  to  which  he  was  destined.  Maintaining  good  faith,  he 
was  unwilling  to  make  use  of  his  influence  to  dissuade  from 
the  undertaking ;  or  to  deter  by  representing  the  danger  that 
existed,  and  the  consequences  that  might  ensue.  This  he 
could  easily  have  done,  by  suggesting  the  guillotine,  or  even  a 
cudgelling,  or  lynching,  the  more  common  kind  of  wild  justice 
in  this  republic.  But  good  faith  forbad. 

But  what  was  the  amazement  of  every  one,  when  news  was 
brought  that  Porcupine  had  decamped  in  the  mean  time ! 
Whether  it  was  that  the  talents  of  Teague  had  been  magnified, 
and  he  did  not  chose  to  engage  in  competition  with  one  so 
much  his  superior,  lest  he  should  lose  by  comparison,  the  repu 
tation  he  had  acquired ;  or  what  is  more  likely,  the  constables 
were  after  him  for  debt,  his  press  and  types  having  been  seized 
the  day  before,  and  sold  for  rent,  and  new  demands  of  a 


32  MODERN   CHIVALRY.          ^ 

smaller  nature  coming  against  him,  fines  and  penalties  also 
hanging  over  him  for  libels ;  and  damages  recoverable  in  ac 
tions  of  defamation  ;  but  so  it  was,  that  he  had  disappeared. 

We  are  thus  sometimes  unexpectedly  relieved  f/om  difficulty 
without  any  agency  of  our  own,  after  having  looked  in  vain 
for  a  way  to  escape.  As  in  the  case  of  Sinbad  the  sailor,  a 
hole  to  creep  out  offers  itself  in  the  very  moment  of  despair. 

The  captain  was  relieved  from  the  embarrassment  which  he 
had  endeavored  to  conceal,  because  he  now  saw  a  way  open  to 
set  aside  the  idea  of  a  press,  which  he  had  reason  to  appre 
hend  his  bog-trotter  would  not  be  competent  to  conduct  with 
reputation. 

Townsmen,  and  fellow  citizens,  said  he,  (taking  advantage 
of  an  assemblage  of  the  people  which  took  place  on  the  occa 
sion  of  a  horse-racing,  a  few  days  after  the  town  meeting,)  I 
am  glad  that  the  reason  has  ceased,  on  which  we  proposed  to 
act  in  the  affair  of  the  press.  That  is  to  say,  the  setting  up 
of  the  bog-trotter  in  the  capacity  of  an  editor  as  a  match  for 
Porcupine,  for  he  has  disappeared;  and  what  need  we  buff  at 
the  bear  when  there  is  no  bear  to  buff  at?  Unless  indeed  we 
could  set  him  up,  expecting  from  him  a  chaste  and  pure  paper 
containing  solid  information,  and  strictures  useful  to  the  re 
public.  But  that,  from  his  education  and  manners,  we  have  no 
reason  to  expect.  It  is  true,  if  he  had  sense  to  collect  the 
ideas,  and  give  them  expression,  he  has  had  opportunities  to 
observe  what  if  known  and  digested,  might  essentially  serve 
to  preserve  from  extremes  in  a  free  government.  He  has  seen 
the  folly  of  the  people  of  France,  if,  those  occasionally  thrown 
into  the  representative  assemblies,  could  be  called  the  people. 
He  has  seen  the  folly  of  these  in  reducing  all  things  to  the  first 
elements  instead  of  accommodating  to  existing  establishments;  of 
deracinating  from  their  foundation  church  and  state,  and  ban 
dying  the  term  liberty,  until  ignorance  and  usurpation  termi 
nated  in  despotism.  For  though  at  the  commencement  of  a  re 
volution,  active  and  uninformed  spirits,  are  useful,  or  perhaps 
absolutely  necessary,  like  the  subterranean  fire  throwing  up 
continents;  yet  as  in  this  case,  the  fostering  dews,  and  the 
breath  of  the  atmosphere,  are  necessary  to  give  soil  and  im- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  33 

pregnate  with  vegetation  ;  so  after  the  stirrings  of  mens'  minds, 
with  a  political  convulsion,  deliberate  reason,  and  prudent 
temperament  are  necessary,  to  preserve  what  is  gained,  and 
turn  it  to.  advantage.  But  this  sans  culotte,  for  so  he  was  call 
ed  in  France  ;  and  well  he  might ;  for  he  was  without  femorals 
when  he  went  away,  and  when  he  came  back, — this  sans  culotte 
is  not  a  Mirabeau.  He  has  kept  no  journal;  he  has  made  no 
observations  except  of  mens'  heads  chopped  off  by  the  guillo 
tine.  He  has  brought  back  little  with  him,  except,  ce  que  dit; 
que  ce  vous  la;  donnez  moi,  kick  shaws,  and  such  like.  I 
think  we  are  well  off  with  him  and  let  him  go  to  his  vocation. 


CHAPTER  IV. 


Reasons  for  continuing  fJiis  history.  Tlie  author  discourses  of 
the  means  of  public  instruction  for  the  people — the  pulpit — 
the  press — and  the  courts  of  justice. 

Captain  Farrago  being  now  at  home,  we  must  not  look  for 
those  stirring  incidents  by  flood  and  field,  which  give  interest  to 
the  lives  of  heroic  men.  Indeed,  I  know  not  whether,  I  should 
have  troubled  myself  further  with  the  Captain  and  Teague, 
but  for  the  purpose  of  recording  some  of  the  ideas  of  the  Cap 
tain  for  the  improvement  of  the  community,  suggested  by  a 
patriotic  feeling.  It  was  the  practice  of  the  ancient  Greeks 
and  Roman  authors,  to  introduce  speakers  in  a  dialogue,  occa 
sionally  at  banquets  ;  or  as  the  philosophers  in  their  walks  and 
conversations,  moralized  in  parables,  and  feigned  cases,  a  way 
of  reasoning,  and  address,  less  offending  the  self-love  of  men 
than  what  has  the  appearance  of  immediate  and  direct  instruc 
tion.  Nor  will  the  publication  of  the  foregoing  hints  on  the 
illiberality  of  the  press,  be  thought  even  now,  altogether  use 
less;  for  though  since  the  escape  of  Porcupine,*  and  the  death 
of  Callender,  there  has  been  an  ebb  of  this  flood  of  scurrility, 


*Cobbett. 


34  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

yet  dropping  the  figure,  the  American  press  has  not  been 
•wholly  free  from  the  stains  of  the  like  paragraphs.  The  ap 
plication  therefore  may  not  be  wholly  without  an  object,  and 
in  the  painting  there  may  be  seen  some  existing  resemblances. 
For  though,  as  the  almanac-makers  say,  "  it  is  calculated  for  a 
particular  meridian,  yet  it  may,  without  sensible  variation, 
serve  other  latitudes."  No  man  can  have  a  higher  opinion  of 
the  dignity  of  station  occupied  by  the  editor  of  a  paper  under 
a  free  government,  than  1  have.  I  think  it  is  one  of  the  most 
honorable,  as  well  as  the  most  useful  in  society.  I  am  unwil 
ling  therefore  that  it  be  degraded,  and  I  am  happy  to  observe 
that  the  example  of  the  two  monsters  mentioned,  has  had  the 
effect  to  disgust  the  public. 

I  take  the  pulpit,  the  courts  of  judicature,  and  the  press,  to 
be  the*three  great  means  of  sustaining  and  enlightening  a  re 
public.  The  Scriptures  are  replete  with  the  finest  sayings  of 
morality,  which  give  them  a  value  beyond  all  other  writings. 
It  is  true  with  one  of  the  Greek  and  Latin  School,  it  is  plea 
sant  to  quote  the  classics,  applying  them  appropriately,  at  the 
same  time  storing  the  mind  from  them,  with  apt  thoughts  and 
terms  of  expression,  as  from  a  treasury  or  unfailing  mine.  Yet 
the  sacred  writings,  of  an  Oriental  cast,  contain  pithy  obser 
vations  upon  life  and  manners,  than  which  there  can  be  no 
thing  more  delightful  to  remember  and  quote,  and  more  profi 
table  to  carry  into  practice.  Reading  the  Scriptures  by  young 
people ;  hearing  them  explained  and  introduced  by  quotation, 
sermon  and  lectures  from  the  pulpit,  raises  the  affections  to 
virtue,  and  forms  the  judgment  in  the  conduct  of  life.  They 
inculcate  the  great  truths  of  an  overruling  Providence — of  an 
eternal  principle  of  justice — and  of  the  immortality  of  the  soul. 
The  Bible  should  therefore  be  regarded  as  the  firm  basis  of 
public  instruction  in  the  commonwealth. 

The  courts  of  judicature  are  a  school  of  justice  and  honor. 
A  great  ground  of  the  law,  are  the  principles  of  universal  jus 
tice.  The  arguments  of  counsel,  the  verdicts  of  juries,  and  de 
cisions  of  judges,  applied  to  particular  cases  or  transactions: 
it  is  ethics,  or  moral  philosophy,  teaching  by  example.  The 
service  on  juries,  is  a  great  school  for  the  p«ople,  where  every 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  35 

citizen  in  his  turn  is  a  judge,  and  learns  his  own  rights,  and  to 
respect  the  rights  of  others.  The  decisions  of  the  courts,  have  re 
spect  to  the  great  principles  of  moral  honesty.  But  the  sphere 
is  confined,  compared  with  that  of  the  Press,  which  has  a  vast 
range ;  and  for  this  reason  ought  to  preserve  the  greater  deli 
cacy  in  language  and  sentiment.  Even  the  war  of  the  sword 
has  its  laws — it  is  not  allowable  to  poison  springs,  or  the 
means  of  life.  In  a  paper  war,  nothing  is  justifiable  that  does 
not  tend  to  establish  a  position,  or  determine  a  controversy; 
that  which  outrages  humanity,  is  ths  cruelty  of  a  savage,  who 
puts  to  death  with  torture,  or  disfigures,  to  glut  revenge. 
We  have  seen  even  religious  societies,  when  not  enlightened 
by  moral  philosophy,  do  very  wicked  things,  and  apparently 
with  a  clear  conscience,  as  in  the  case  of  witch  burning,  or  the 
persecution  of  heretics,  that  is,  of  those  who  differ  from  them 
in  religious  dogma.  The  Christians  of  Abysinia,  according  to 
Bruce,  have  their  creeds,  and  religious  observances;  and  yet  in 
morals  are  worse  than  the  savages  around  them.  It  may  be 
said,  that  it  is  not  the  right  kind  of  Christianity;  but  how  can 
we  judge  but  by  its  fruits  ?  And  those  fruits  must  be  judged 
by  their  good  or  evil  effects.  Captain  Gardner,  a  pious  man,  for 
many  years  was  engaged  in  the  slave-trade  without  suspecting 
it  was  wrong.  It  is  to  the  practical  exercise  of  righteousness  that 
I  give  the  name  of  moral  philosophy,  for  want  of  a  better  term. 
Civilized  manners  and  enlightened  opinions,  are  fashioned  by 
it,  and  these  even  give  a  character  to  Christianity,  to  which  the 
seed  of  that  true  philosophy  is  to  be  ascribed.  The  writings  of 
all  our  moral  writers,  Addison,  Johnston,  and  even  novelists, 
as  well  as  our  moral  sermons,  have  this  tendency;  while  mere 
metaphysical  doctrine,  is  comparatively  barren  in  its  effects  on 
life,  and  manners,  or  morals. 

To  know  what  may  be  said  in  a  paper,  or  in  what  manner 
it  may  be  said,  the  editor  whom  the  public  alone  knows,  need 
©nly  consider  what  would  become  a  gentleman  to  say,  in  pro 
miscuous  society.  Whether  conversing  in  the  manner  he 
writes,  or  in  which,  what  ia  inserted,  is  written,  he  would  be 
heard  with  respect,  and  treated  with  civility.  Good  breeding 
is  as  necessary  in  print  as  in'conversation.  The  want  of  it 


36  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

equally  entitles  to  the  appellation  of  an  ill-bred  man.  The 
press  can  have  no  more  license  than  the  tongue.  At  the  tribu 
nal  of  common  sense  it  has  less,  because  an  expression  might 
escape  a  man,  which  might  receive  pardon,  or  excuse,  as  the 
offspring  of  inadvertance ;  but  writing  is  deliberate,  and  you 
may  turn  back  and  strike  out  the  allusion,  or  correct  the  term. 

National  character  is  interested  in  the  delicacy  of  the  press. 
It  is  a  disgrace  to  a  people  to  have  amongst  them  volumes  of 
scurrility  circulated  through  their  post-offices,  with  a  peculiar 
privilege  of  centage,  placed  upon  the  benches  in  our  public 
houses,  or  sent  home  to  our  private  dwellings. 

Is  this  the  occupation  to  which  it  ought  to  be  an  honor  to 
belong ;  to  which  a  father  would  wish  to  put  a  son,  having 
educated  him  with  the  best  advantages,  and  giving  him,  as  he 
had  thought,  a  duty  as  sacred  as  the  priesthood,  and  with  a 
more  exclusive  sphere  of  action,  than  the  barrister;  having  it 
in  high  commission  by  the  constitution  of  his  country,  "  to 
canvass  the  conduct  of  men  in  public  offices,"  and  inform  the 
public,  "  where  the  matter  is  proper  for  public  information." 

It  does  not  follow,  that  because  a  man  takes  a  paper,  he  ap 
proves  of  all  that  is  in  it.  It  is  certainly  censurable  to  contin- 
tinue  our  subscription  to  a  paper,  the  prevailing  tenor  of  which 
is  defamatory  of  individuals ;  but  were  we  to  reject  a  paper  be 
cause  it  is  occasionally  so,  there  are  few  papers  that  we  should 
take  at  all.  The  American  press  has  been  most  abominably 
gross,  and  defamatory,  and  there  are  few  publications  of  this 
nature,  that  have  been  at  all  times  unexceptionable.  A  man 
will  be  astonished  sometimes  to  hear  of  himself,  or  of  others, 
what  has  not  the  slightest  foundation,  but  in  the  invention  of 
the  paragraphist.  There  may  be  some  prototype,  filmy  origin 
to  the  unsubstantial  fabric ;  possibly  not  even  a  vapour,  but  in 
the  breath  of  the  defamer.  Is  the  assassin  odious,  and  not  the 
author  of  anonymous  abuse  ?  Yet  such  is  the  error  of  opinion 
with  some,  that  they  think  it  not  dishonorable  to  attack  anony 
mously.  It  is  cowardice  in  a  free  country,  where  the  law  is  equal; 
•where  no  censure  exists  to  make  it  necessary  to  conceal  the  au" 
thor  of  the  pasquenade.  A  brave  man  will  scorn  subterfuge  and 
concealment.  An  honest  man  will  own  himself  and  his  opinions. 


M01>«R«    CHIYALRr.  37 


• 

CHAPTER  V. 


Teague  is  dissatisfied  with  not  being  an  editor.  He  is  persuad* 
ed  by  the  Captain  to  turn  author,  and  compose  his  memoirs  of 
adventure  in  France.  The  good  advice  of  the  Captain  on  the 
occasion. 

There  was  one  person  dissatisfied  with  the  arrangement  just 
related,  and  that  was  Teague.  He  had  got  the  notion  of  sub 
scriptions  into  his  head,  which  would  bring  ready  money ;  as 
for  the  editorship,  he  never  troubled  himself  about  it.  Teague, 
said  the  Captain  to  him,  if  many  a  man  had  what  you  have  in 
his  power,  he  would  make  a  fortune  by  it,  You  have  been  in 
France,  and  what  is  more  in  the  concierge,  after  playing  a  con 
spicuous  part  in  the  revolution.  That  itself  would  fill  a  vol 
ume.  If  you  want  subscriptions,  why  not  for  that?  It  will 
sell  for  ready  money,  and  bring  a  pretty  penny  these  limes. 

In  troth,  said  Teague,  and  it  would  make  a  book  as  big  as  de 
praste's  mass  book,  if  I  was  to  tell  whatever  I  saw  dere  wid  my 
two  eyes.  Divil  a  sowl  would  belave  what  I  did,  among  dose 
French,  dat  are  always  jabberin  wid  de  brogue  on  der  tongue, 
and  say  noting.  Wid  der  footers,  and  parblues,  Fd  make  a 
book  as  big  a  horse-block. 

Well  then,  Teague,  said  the  Captain,  you  must  set  about  it. 
The  first  thing  you  must  consider  is  the  manner  in  which  it 
will  be  written ;  whether  your  narrative  shall  be  in  the  first 
person,  as,  "  I  did  this,"  and  "  I  did  that,"  or  whether  in  the 
second  person,  as  it  were  speaking  of  you,  "O'Regan  having 
done  so,  or  made  an  observation  to  this  effect."  And  whether 
it  should  be  in  the  way  of  continued  narrative  with  chapters, 
or  in  the  shape  of  a  journal,  or  be  cast  in  the  way  of  letter. 
For  all  these  modes  of  writing  are  used  as  best  suits  the  travel- 
er;  or  may  be  thought  moat  pleasing  to  the  reader.  One  ad 
vantage  you  will  have,  that  you  need  not  stick  pertinaciously 
to  the  truth  ;  for  travellers  have  a  license  to  deviatf ;  and  thej 
I 


*3  MOttERX  CHIVALRY. 

are  not  considered  as  on  oath,  or  upon  honor  in  giving  their  ac 
counts.  Embellishment  is  allowable ;  some  illuminations  of 
the  narrative ;  though  confining  yourself  to  the  truth  strictly, 
I  make  no  doubt  your  story  will  be  sufficiently  extravagant,  and 
of  course  border  on  the  marvellous. 

The  fact  was,  that  the  bog-trotter  had  incidents  sufficient  to 
enliven  his  history.  He  had  been  in  the  suit  of  Anacharsis 
Cloots,  he  had  been  taken  up  in  a  balloon  some  distance  from 
the  earth,  and  let  down  by  a  parachute,  instead  of  a  sheep.  It 
is  true,  this  was  not  with  his  own  consent,  but  by  force ;  the 
Parisian  thinking  it  of  little  account  whether  the  experiment 
was  made  with  him  or  a  less  valuable  animal. 

It  would  make  a  book  to  exhaust  these  particulars,  and  many 
more  that  occurred.  The  Captain  having  recommended  the 
work,  was  concerned  to  have  it  accomplished  with  some  credit 
to  those  concerned,  and  therefore  thought  it  advisable  to  give 
the  author  some  hints  before  he  entered  on  the  task. 

Teague,  said  he,  the  first  thing  to  be  thought  of,  is  a  place  to 
write.  The  extremes  are  two,  the  cellar  and  the  garret.  The 
cellar  was  chosen  by  an  orator  of  Greece,  to  write  his  orations, 
or  at  least  prepare  for  the  writing  them ;  for  in  this,  he  is  said 
to  have  copied  over  eight  times  the  history  of  Thucidydes* 
Whether  it  is  the  darkness,  or  the  solitude  of  the  cavern,  that 
is  congenial  to  the  talent  of  writing,  may  be  a  question.  I 
should  think,  however,  that  the  serial  mansion  of  a  garret  is 
most  favourable  to  the  lighter  species  of  writing,  such  as  mad 
rigals;  or  paragraphs  inmagzines,  or  novels.  But  as  yours  is 
a  serious  work,  it  may  be  above  the  subterranean,  and  below 
the  firmament.  Perhaps  a  middle  story  may  suffice.  It  will 
depend,  however,  on  your  head.  If  you  find  yourself  light,  go 
down;  if  heavy,  mount;  and  thus  adjust  your  apartment  to 
your  feelings.  The  wasp  chooses  the  garret;  but  the  spider  is 
found  in  the  cellar ;  and  his  weaving  is  an  emblem  of  the  com 
position  of  an  author. 

As  to  style,  just  write  as  you  would  speak,  and  give  your  ac 
count  with  simplicity,  without  affectation;  understanding  your 
subject  well,  and  use  no  more  words,  than  are  necessary  to 
express  your  meaning. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  30 

As  to  paper  whether  common  or  woven;  or  as  to  type, 
whether  single  or  double  pica;  these  are  terms  I  do  not  under 
stand,  I  see  them  in  advertisement?,  and  that  is  all  I  know 
about  them.  Whether  duodecimo,  octavo,  or  folio,  will  depend 
upon  the  bulk  of  what  is  to  be  printed. 


CHAPTER    VI. 

Which  treats   of  village   matters.     Captain  Farrago   is  not 
pleased  with  some  things. 

Captain  Farrago,  had  now  been  some  weeks  at  home,  ma 
king  enquiry  into  the  history  of  the  village  ;  what  changes  in 
the  domestic  affairs  of  his  neighbors ;  what  good  and  bad  for 
tune  had  happened  to  individuals,  at  the  same  time  walking 
through  the  town,  and  observing  the  improvements,  or  delap- 
idations  in  the  buildings  or  streets.  It  was  obvious  that  little 
attention  had  been  paid  for  some  time  to  public  works,  the  foot 
ways  were  neglected,  and  the  water  courses  filled  up,  and  gul 
lies  made  in  some  places  by  the  rains.  The  fountain  which 
had  been  begun,  on  the  side  of  the  hill,  where  there  was  a 
fine  spring,  had  remained  unfinished. 

What  can  be  the  reason  of  all  this,  said  he  to  the  citizens ; 
It  was  answered  that  the  chief  and  assistant  burgesses  had  been 
extravagant;  that  the  works,  by  charter  of  incorporation  they  had 
the  power  to  project,  were  extensive,  and  the  consequent  taxes 
which  they  had  a  right  to  impose,  and  which  became  neces 
sary,  were  thought  oppressive.  The  people  had  left  out  these 
officers  at  the  annual  election,  and  chosen  new.  That  these 
wishing  to  preserve  popularity,  had  let  all  matters  rest,  and 
had  neither  made  improvements,  nor  raised  taxes. 

And  will  this  please  always  1  They  have  turned  out  one  set 
for  doing  too  much  ;  and  they  will  turn  out  the  next  for  doing 
nothing. 

But  why  not  hit  a  medium  ?  said  the  Captain.  A  difficulty 
occurs  continued  the  speaker.  In  the  works  projected,  tha 


40  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

people  insist  that  no  man  shall  be  consulted  in  his  own  occu 
pation.  The  mason  shall  make  out  the  bills  of  scantling;  and 
the  carpenter  determine  the  arches  of  a  stone  bridge. 

That  is,  said  the  Captain,  as  in  a  city  that  I  passed  through 
in  my  travels.  The  physicians  claimed  a  right  to  judge  of  laws* 
and  the  lawyers  of  physic:  reversing  the  maxim,  that  every 
man  is  to  be  trusted  in  his  own  profession. 

This  is  republicanism  run  mad.  The  sovereign  people  would 
do  well  to  imitate  other  sovereigns,  at  least  in  this:  that  they 
trust  even  foreigners  in  the  arts,  and  not  by  an  unreasonable 
jealousy,  lose  the  advantage  of  judgment,  which  is  not  in  the 
nature  of  things,  that  they  themselves  can  possess. 

Political  divisions  will  always  exist.  It  is  inseparable  from 
the  nature  of  a  community.  And  it  is  not  in  the  nature  of 
things  that  the  power  can  be  long  on  one  side.  The  dura 
tion  depends  upon  tlie  judgment  of  using  it.  The  people  will 
revolt  from  themselves  when  thej  find  they  have  done  wrong, 
and  that  side  which  was  now  the  weakest  will  become  th  e 
strongest. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

0' Regan  engages  tlie  schoolmaster  to  do  the  writing  of  his  mem 
oirs,  and  proceeds  to  obtain  subscriptions.  TJie  Captain  visits 
the  principal  of  the  new  acadamy. 

Teague  not  being  able  to  read  or  write,  found  this  circum 
stance  at  first  in  the  way  of  being  an  author,  but  he  succeeded 
in  engaging  the  services  of  Martin  the  schoolmaster,  and  in 
the  meantime  employed  nimself  in  obtaining  subscriptions 
which  his  stock  of  blarney  facilitated. 

Among  the  advertisements  on  the  tavern  and  shop  doors,  the 
Captain  observing  one  day,  the  want  of  a  suitable  person  in 
the  newly  established  academy,  as  it  was  styled,  to  instruct  in 
the  French  language,  was  led  to  reflect  that  after  dictating 
his  memoirs,  Teague  would  be  out  of  employment,  and  that  a 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  41 

vacancy  of  this  kind  might  tally  with  his  faculties,  having 
been  in  France  where  the  language  itself  is  spoken  by  man 
woman  and  child,  and  that  his  attainments  must  be  superior 
to  those  who  have  acquired  the  tongue  from  dead  books, 
when  unaccustomed  to  the  sound,  resolved  to  visit  the  prin 
cipal  of  the  academy  and  propose  for  Teague. 

The  Principal  received  him  politely,  but  was  not  a  little  sur 
prised  as  may  be  supposed  at  the  proposal,  after  the  Captain's 
description  of  O'Regan.  He  could  easily  comprehend  the  in- 
competency  of  this  man  to  teach  the  language  in  a  school  of 
of  learning,  where  it  is  expected  to  be  taught  grammatically  ; 
and  the  absurdity  of  taking  his  lingo,  for  French,  if  he  had 
the  brogue  in  that  pronunciation  as  he  had  in  English.  But 
it  might  not  be  an  easy  matter  to  convince  the  Captain  of  this, 
who  appeared  to  have  an  undue  opinion  of  his  acquirements. 
Nevertheless  he  endeavored  to  make  himself  intelligible  on 
this  subject,  by  observing  that  there  was  a  wide  difference 
between  a  public  professor  in  a  college,  and  a  private  tutor 
who  attends  pupils  occasionally;  that  in  a  seminary  of  learning, 
the  rudiments  of  a  language  were  usually  taught  by  rules  ;  and 
it  was  an  object  to  understand  the  parts  of  speech  into  which 
the  tongue  was  divided  ;  the  use  of  the  articles,  if  there  were 
any;  the  inflections  of  the  cases,  the  variations  of  the  genders  ; 
the  conjugations  of  the  verbs  ;  the  concords  of  syntax ;  and 
after  all  this  the  idiom,  or  peculiar  phrases  and  structures  of 
a  sentence;  that  from  what  the  Captain  had  informed  him,  and 
and  what  he  himself  had  gleaned  from  others,  of  the 
characteristics  of  his  subordinate,  the  academy  was  not  his 
province,  but  the  village.  He  fcmight  employ  his  talents  to  ad 
vantage,  instructing  young  gentlemen  and  ladies  in  the  French 
tongue,  at  their  houses  ;  with  a  grammar  and  without  a  diction 
ary  ;  or  without  a  grammar ;  and  with  the  voice  and  diction 
only.  For  in  fact  it  was  of  little  consequense  how  they  were 
taught;  for  they  would  learn  nothing;  and  barbers  and  tumblers 
that  had  come  in  and  undertaken  to  instruct,  had  done  as  well 
as  wiser  masters ;  for  they  had  amused  their  pupils  ;  and  amuse 
ment  was  all  the  pupils  would  be  willing  to  receive.  Enough 
if  they  can  get  a  word  or  two  that  sounds  like  French,  to  throw 


42  MODERN    CHIYALRY. 

out  to  a  lady  in  a  dance ;  as,  parlez  vous  madam ;  or  s'il  vous 
plais. 

Captain  Farrago,  readily  admitted  the  truth  of  these  obser 
vations  ;  wondered  that  it  had  not  struck  him  before^  and 
excused  himself  in  the  best  manner  he  could. 

It  may  be  a  digression,  said  the  Captain  ;  but  it  is  a  useful 
inquiry.  Do  you  conceive  that  the  American  youth  are  too 
hastily  manufactured,  and  come  forward  too  soon  into  life  ? 

Unquestionably,  said  the  Principal.  Education  here  is  un 
naturally  hastened.  Our  minority  is  too  short  to  make  a  great 
man.  "We  overstep  the  modesty  of  nature,"  and  suffer  our 
young  men  to  come  forward  into  councils  that  require  the  heads 
of  age.  Hence  our  juvenile  speeches  in  debates.  Hence  the 
wild  fire  in  our  councils.  The  young  gentlemen  of  the  village 
are  above  learning,  as  soon  as  they  have  got  on  a  pair  of  pan 
taloons,  and  half  boots.  They  are  out  of  their  education,  and 
men  before  their  time.  We  had  an  election  the  other  day,  for 
a  chief  burgess.  It  was  a  matter  of  astonishment  to  those  of 
the  old  school,  to  see  a  youth  come  forward,  born  after  his  com 
petitor  had  been  ranked  with  the  sages  of  the  village,  and  claim 
the  suffrages  of  the  citizens.  It  had  an  unfavorable  effect  upon 
the  very  dumb  creation.  It  was  not  enough  that  the  lada  under 
age,  began  to  raise  their  voices  and  vociferate ;  but  it  seemed 
that  the  young  of  animals  had  gained  upon  their  growth,  and 
were  old  before  they  had  attained  muturity.  The  young  dogs 
barked  more ;  whether  it  was  from  an  impression  of  the  at 
mosphere  ;  or  an  imitation  of  the  sounds  of  men. 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

While  0' Regan  is  engaged  in  Ms  memoirs,  the  Captain  turns 
his  attention  to  other  subjects.  The  blind  lawyer  and  his 
lecture. 

To  give  the  bog-trotter  time  to  prepare  his  history,  the  Cap 
tain  turned  his  attention  for  a  while  to  other  objects.  There 
was  an  old  lawyer,  having  lost  his  eye  sight,  and  fallen  into 


MODERN  CHIYALRY.  43 

poverty,  who  had  came  to  the  village,  offering  his  services  with 
occasional  advice,  and  now  and  then  a  lecture  on  legal 
subjects,  for  a  suitable  remuneration.  He  was  joined  by  a 
blind  fidler,  who  answered  the  purpose  of  collecting  an  audi 
ence,  which  soon  growing  tired  with  the  music,  were  disposed 
to  hear  the  lecture.  Lawyer  Foster  was  not  without  talents,  and 
even  learned,  but  could  never  turn  his  profession  to  profit,  ia 
consequence  of  having  too  rigid  a  conscience;  he  would  always 
discourage  law  suits;  if  the  client  was  in  the  wrong  he 
would  order  him  to  do  justly,  and  if  he  refused,  ha  would  de 
cline  his  case.  But  the  worst  was,  that  he  could  never  stipu 
late  for  fees;  they  were  either  voluntarily,  or  nothing. 

It  might  be  a  matter  of  surprise  that  the  lawyer  although 
learned  and  skillful,  had  not  grown  rich  in  his  profession. 
The  reason  has  already  been  given.  In  addition,  it  may  be 
remarked,  that  money  will  not  stick  to  some  men,  especially  with 
those,  as  was  the  case  with  the  lawyer,  who  think  more  of  the 
pursuit,  or  art,  than  of  the  gains,  and  this  is  often  the  case 
with  men  of  the  highest  genius,  who  are  neglectful  of  their 
own  interest. 

It  is  doubtless  a  general  rule  that  the  way  to  be  rich  is  to  ex 
cel  in  your  profession,  and  whoever  excels  may  in  general  be 
rich,  and  it  is  a  folly  not  to  make  this  use  of  it.  But  we  see 
that  with  all  the  lovers  of  the  arts,  painting,  music,  statuary, 
eloquence,  there  is  a  neglect  of  riches,  the  mind  carried  off 
from  the  love  of  money,  is  placed  upon  the  art  itself.  Tho 
main  chance  is  overlooked ;  and  it  is  only  late  in  life  that  the 
folly  is  discovered  by  the  person  himself,  though  others  had  been 
remarking  it  all  his  life  long.  But  though  not  profitable  to  the 
professor,  to  cultivate  an  art  for  its  own  sake,  yet  it  is  useful 
and  pleasing  to  the  world  ;  and  Quintillian,  who  has  left  us  a 
book  on  the  eloquonce  of  the  bar,  is  more  valued,  because  he 
has  given  more  pleasure  to  those  who  have  come  after  him, 
than  others  who  have  made  perhaps  more  by  their  practice,  but 
whose  memory  has  gone  with  themselves,  at  the  same  time  that 
their  estates  went  to  others. 

As  a  sample  of  the  lectures  of  the  blind  lawyer,  we  shall  give 
tfee  following. 


44  MODERN    CHIYALRr. 


THE    LECTURE. 

IT  is  necessary  to  comprehend  perfectly  the  facts  of  the  case, 
and  this  to  enable ; 

1.  To  frame  the  action ;  trespass,   or  trespass  on  the  case ; 
&c. 

2.  To  framo  your  declaration:  that  is,  to  put  a  precise  state 
ment  of  the  cause  of  action  upon  the  record. 

3.  To  examine  the  witnesses,  preparatory  to  the  trial. 

I  say  nothing  of  the  science  necessary  to  draw  a  declaration; 
though  there  is  great  delicacy  and  beauty  in  making  a  legal 
statement  of  your  cause  of  action  with  brevity,  perspicuity,  and 
technical  correctness.  Nor  do  I  mean  to  touch  on  the  vigilence 
on  your  part,  or  illiberality  to  your  adversaries,  in  conducting 
the  cause  to  issue  and  trial,  taking  rules  and  giving  notice. 
This  is  not  the  state  where  all  advantage  is  fair.  These  are 
preliminaries  to  the  contest,  and  as  in  the  wager  of  battle  the 
combatant  makes  oath,  that  he  uses  no  enchantment ;  so  a  lib 
eral  lawyer  will  disdain  to  avail  himself  of  an  oversight  or  take 
a  catch  which  has  no  effect  upon  the  merits  of  a  cause.  If  he 
observes  a  defect  which  it  becomes  necessary  to  amend,  in 
civil  cases,  he  will  point  it  out  and  give  leave  to  do  it.  This  I 
grant  he  is  not  bound  to  do  ;  but  it  is  for  the  credit  of  the  pro 
fession  that  such  liberality  should  be  cultivated,  and  justice 
will  lose  nothing  by  it. 

Preparatory  to  the  trial,  a  great  point  is,  the  examination 
of  the  witnesses  to  be  adduced  by  your  client;  such  of  them  as 
are  willing  to  say  what  they  know,  prior  to  their  being  called 
in  court.  It  is  of  moment  for  you  to  know  what  you  can  prove 
by  any  of  them,  that  you  may  bring  them  to  the  point  immedi. 
ately ;  and  save  the  time  of  the  court  from  impertinent  relation. 
It  is  necessary  for  the  sake  of  your  client  to  sift  them  well,  and 
know  the  testimony  they  are  about  to  give.  The  counsel  above 
who  has  thus  sifted  them,  should  undertake  to  examine.  When 
then  the  conduct  of  the  cause,  rests  with  me,  and  the  responsi 
bility,  I  would  suffer  no  assistant  to  ask  a  question  of  my  wit 
nesses.  Let  him  take  his  turn,  and  fill  up  his  part  in  cross  ex- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  45 

amining  the  witnesses  of  the  adversary.  When  the  testimony 
is  closed  in  a  jury  trial,  the  cause  is  usually  lost  or  won:  and  a 
single  question  injudiciously  put,  may  have  been  the  occasion  of 
losing  it.  Yet  there  is  nothing  more  difficult  for  a  leading  coun 
sel  than  to  restrain  the  impetuosity  of  his  associates,  and  their 
avidity  to  ask  questions. 

It  is  a  matter  of  great  judgment  when  a  witness  has  answer 
ed  well;  to  let  the  answer  rest.  It  is  favourable  to  truth  to  let 
it  rest ;  for  by  putting  it  again,  and  again,  you  confuse  the  mind, 
and  you  may  get  the  very  reverse  of  what  he  had  before  said; 
at  least  you  may  get  it  so  disturbed,  as  to  be  unintelligible,  and 
do  you  no  good. 

If  it  occur  to  an  assistant  counsel  who  has  not  previously  ex 
amined,  that  a  question  may  be  put  with  advantage,  he  can  sug 
gest  it  to  the  leading,  or  examining  counsel,  and  leave  him  to 
judge.  The  wish  of  seeming  to  be  doing  something  for  his  mo 
ney,  is  the  cause  of  that  propensity  to  interrogate,  that  prompts 
improperly  to  take  up  the  examination. 

The  taking  down  the  testimony  is  so  managed  as  to  consume 
time  unnecessarily  in  our  courts.  Each  concerned  in  a  cause, 
must  take  down  and  wait  for  all.  The  testimony  must  be  taken 
as  if  it  was  to  be  read  again  to  the  court,  or  sent  to  the  jury  in 
the  style  of  a  written  deposition.  Unnecessary  matter  is  taken 
down ;  for  there  are  seldom  more  than  a  few  sentences  in  the 
testimony  of  a  witness  that  are  material  to  the  cause.  But  it 
is  to  seem  very  busy,  and  doing  something  for  the  client,  where 
in  fact  nothing  is  done  that  leads  -to  an  ostentation  of  taking 
down,  even  when  there  is  nothing  to  take.  I  have  actually 
known  this  to  take  place  at  the  bar. 

Well ;  what  do  you  know  of  this  matter? 

Why,  in  fact,  I  know  little  about  it. 

Stop,  stop  a  little,  let  me  take  that  down. 

Well;  you  say  you  know  little  about  the  matter. 

Nothing  at  all — only — 

Stop,  stop,  let  me  take  down  what  you  have  said — 

A  thing  like  this  exhausts  the  patience  ;  yet  it  is  difficult  for 
a  court  to  correct  it.  It  must  depend  upon  the  good  sense  of 


46  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

the  counsel  themselves,  to  select  and  confine  their  notes  to  what 
is  of  substance  in  the  evidence. 

The  greatest  effort  in  the  management  of  a  cause,  is  the  tak 
ing  exception  to  evidence.  For  this  purpose,  it  is  necessary 
that  from  the  commencement  of  the  trial,  the  leading  counsel 
lies  by ;  thinks  much;  says  little  ;  bends  his  whole  mind  to  pre 
serve  himself  unruffled:  sets  forward  the  junior,  and  assistant 
counsel  to  spar  where  it  may  be  necessary ;  to  make  prolusions , 
and  gain  time. 

As  for  instance;  a  piece  of  evidence  is  offered.  It  strikes  the 
leading  counsel,  that  exception  lies  against  it.  But  he  is  not 
clear;  nor  is  he  prepared  to  support  the  exception.  An  assis 
tant  counsel  takes  the  exception.  It  is  run  down  and  complete 
ly  answered.  Not  a  word  more :  but  the  leading  counsel  has 
had  time  to  consider. 

If  he  had  not  thought  proper  to  give  it  up;  he  would  have 
risen  in  full  force. 

And  if  he  had  been  answered  with  some  show  of  reason,  the 
assistant  would  have  rejoined,  and  done  justice  to  the  argument. 
For  let  it  not  be  thought  that  though  I  mark  the  parts  of  the  as 
sistant  counsel,  I  do  not  well  know  that  the  greater  lawyer,  may 
have  the  subordinate  part  assigned  him;  or  may  fall  into  that 
place,  in  the  management  of  a  cause,  on  the  trial.  The  great 
er  general  may  happen  to  have  the  command  of  a  detachment 
only ;  or  be  employed  to  bring  on,  or  relieve,  in  the  course  of 
an  engagement. 

For  law  is  an  image  of  war ;  and  as  in  war  the  greatest  praise 
is  to  discharge  your  duty  wherever  it  may  be  assigned  ;  so,  on 
a  trial.  A  column  standing  still,  and  never  brought  forward, 
or  discharging  a  shot,  but  simply  keeping  ground,  may  have 
done  the  real  execution,  and  gained  the  battle.  A  thought  sug 
gested  is  sometimes  more  than  argument. 

Who  can  tell  the  value  of  a  single  thought,  of  a  single  ray 
'of  the  celestial  light  of  genius  ?  It  may  show  the  port  in  the 
storm — It  may  decide  the  victory  in  battle — It  may  be  the 
pregnant  seed  of  mighty  events. 

But,  nevertheless,  elocution  has  its  place,  and  noble  praise. 
It  is  delightful  to  hear  one  speak  well  where  he  ought  to  speak. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  47 

"The  words  of  the  wise  are  like  nails,  fastened  in  sure  places." 
Great  indulgence  must  be  made,  for  young  pleaders ;  but  I  have 
it  in  view  to  treat,  not  of  what  is  to  be  indulged,  but  of  what 
is  to  be  approved.  Brevity  is  the  soul  of  eloquence,  and  ampli 
fication,  the  usual  fault.  Few  err  in  saying  too  little.  Tedious- 
ness  is  the  more  common  extreme;  padding,  and  beating  on  the 
point.  After  a  passion  is  excited,  there  is  a  danger  of  "tearing 
it  to  rags." 

The  opening  of  the  case,  before  the  evidence  is  introduced, 
is  a  matter  of  some  delicacy;  a  principle  is  brevity;  and 
stating  the  proper  proof,  rather  below  what  it  will  turn  out. 
When  disappointed  in  the  expectation  raised,  the  mind  is  dis 
satisfied,  and  with  difficulty  can  do  justice  to  what  is  proved. 
It  is  in  the  application  of  the  evidence  that  eloquence  finds  her 
province  at  the  bar.  And  yet  here  it  is  that  less  harm  can  be 
done  by  weak  or  unskilful  advocates,  than  in  any  part  of  the 
contest.  The  court  and  jury  are  attached  to  the  evidence. 
The  mind  is  steadfast  upon  this,  and  if  a  flourisher  runs  off, 
he  may  talk;  it  is  only  a  loss  of  time.  It  is  here  that  less  expe 
rienced  counsel  may  be  suffered  to  amuse  themselves;  and  can 
do  little  harm,  more  especially  if  there  is  some  one  to  follow  to 
review  the  facts,  apply  the  law,  and  clench  the  argument.  The 
harm  that  can  be  done,  is  to  weary  the  mind,  and  relax  the  spring 
of  attention.  This  is  mischevious;  but  cannot  well  be  prevent 
ed.  The  councel  must  be  heard.  But  there  is  much  less  dan 
ger  to  a  cause,  in  this,  than  from  an  injudicious  touch  in  the 
conduct  of  it,  through  the  evidence. 

With  regard  to  reading  authorities  in  the  opening,  or  reply ; 
or  in  the  conduct  of  the  trial  generally,  I  have  but  a  single  ob 
servation.  It  is  better  to  adduce  no  authority,  at  all,  than  one 
which  has  a  doubtful  application,  because  it  brings  in  question 
the  discernment  of  the  counsel;  and  gives  an  opportunity  to  the 
adversary,  to  flourish  and  run  down.  General  reason  is  a  safer 
ground,  than  doubtful  decisions. 


48  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

Uproar  in  tlie  village  for  abating  all  nuisance,  learning  among 
the  rest.  The])  threaten  to  pull  down  the  church.  A  levelling 
phrenzg  prevails. 

A  great  uproar  in  the  mean  time  had  taken  place  in  the  vil 
lage.  The  abatement  of  nuisances  had  been  the  subject  of 
common  conversation  since  the  town  meeting.  It  came  so  far, 
that  an  incendary  proposed  to  abate,  or  burn  down  the  academy, 
which  had  been  dignified  with  the  name  of  College,  not  on  that 
account,  but  because  they  alleged  that  all  learning  was  a  nui 
sance,  enabling  some  men  to  know  more  than  others,  and  there 
fore  against  the  democratic  principle  of  equality. 

A  town  meeting  was  called;  and  whether  from  a  wish  to  see 
a  bon-fire;  or  from,  the  envy  and  hatred  of  the  ignorant,  the 
proposition,  however  unreasonable  and  illegal,  had  its  advocates 
It  had  been  actually  carried,  and  a  person  was  now  on  his  way 
with  a  brand  lighted  to  set  fire  to  the  building. 

The  alarm  was  given  ;  and  the  more  considerate  rushed  out 
to  prevent  conflagration. 

Force  was  in  vain;  and  reason  avails  little  with  a  mob. 
The  best  way  to  oppose  their  resolution,  is  indirectly,  by  turn 
ing  the  current  of  their  thoughts  aside,  and  to  the  attaining 
the  same  thing  in  another  way.  The  principal  and  professors 
had  harangued  in  vain.  It  was  threatened  that  if  they  did  not 
stand  ont  of  the  way,  they  would  burn  them  with  the  college. 

The  captain  had  come  up ;  and  venturing  to  speak,  citizens, 
said  he,  it  is  not  for  the  college  that  I  am  about  'to  speak  ; 
it  is  for  yourselves  ;  your  object  is  to  put  down  learning  ;  and  do 
you  know  that  it  is  put  down  already?  Why  will  you  do  a 
useless  thing?  It  is  calling  in  , question  your  understanding, 
to  do  a  needless  mischief. 

Is  not  learning  put  down  already  ?  The  methodists  are  the 
best  preachers.  Take  a  horse-jockey  and  in  two  weeks  from 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  49 

the  jump,  he  is  in  a  pulpit.  No  need  of  Latin,  Greek,  Hebrew 
or  polyglot  bible ;  systems  of  divinity;  a  commentary,  a  trea 
tise,  an  essay,  or  a  dissertation:  all  is  plain  sailing  now. 

All  this  tends  to  put  learning  down,  so  that  you  have  all  the 
advantages  of  this,  without  the  trouble.  Why  burn  the  col- 
lege? 

The  building  will  serve  useful  purposes,  when  the  professors 
are  driven  out  of  it. 

Politicians  say,  that  though  they  have  no  learning,  they  feel 
no  want  of  it.  Is  it  to  be  supposed  that  a  workman  does  not 
know  whether  he  wants  tools  ?  All  this  ends  when  learning 
and  law  are  put  down.  Trial  by  battle  must  regulate  society. 
We  shall  then  want  barracks  and  hospitals.  This  building  will 
accommodate  invalids. 

I  do  not  know,  said  a  sedate  man  and  a  church  elder,  whether 
after  all,  a  little  learning  may  not  be  in  some  cases,  useful  It 
is  a  great  lidp  to  weak  people.  I  have  seen  a  book,  entitled, 
Huke's  and  e'en  to  7iad  up  crippled  Christians  breeJcs  ;  That  is, 
hooks  and  eyes  to  hold  up  breeches  ;  alluding  by  the  the  bye, 
to  hooks  and  eyes  which  were  in  use  before  buttons.  What 
are  called  gallowses,  have  succeeded  to  the  assistance  of  but 
tons,  but  have  not  altogether  superseded  them.  Not  that  I 
mean  to  insinuate  that  the  disuse  of  hooks  and  eyes,  lead  to  the 
gallows  in  the  proper  sense  of  the  word,  any  more  than  that 
learning  does.  Though  many  a  man  that  wore  buttons  has 
been  hung.  Perhaps  more  without  buttons  than  with  them. 
But  I  mean  to  say  that  a  young  man,  before  he  comes  to  the 
years  of  discretion,  may  as  well  be  employed  in  learning  to 
make  marks  upon  paper,  as  playing  at  nine-mens-morice,  and 
it  does  him  no  more  harm  to  try  to  read  Greek,  than  to  trace 
partridge  tracks.  The  mind  must  be  employed  in  something 
to  keep  it  out  of  harm's  way,  and  reclusion  in  a  seminary  is 
useful,  if  for  nothing  else  at  least  to  keep  young  people  within 
doors,  which  the  academican  could  not  easily  do,  unless,the  de 
vice  of  books  was  used  to  beguile  the  hours  of  study.  And 
though  a  great  part  of  their  learning,  is  but  the  knowledge  of 
hooks  and  crooks,  yet  the  exercise  of  the  mind,  renders  them 
more  expert  in  thinking ;  and  though  Latin  is  of  no  more  use  to 


..V 

50  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

raise  the  devil  than  English,  now  a  days ;  yet  it  is  a  gentle  ex 
ercise  to  learn  it,  and  makes  the  boys  grow  faster.  It  keeps 
them  from  their  mothers  who  are  apt  to  spoil  their  offspring  by 
too  much  indulgence.  The  idea  of  getting  a  task,  accustoms 
the  mind  to  obedience.  Now  there  are  some  branches  of  sci 
ence  that  are  really  useful,  such  as  speaking  and  writing  intel 
ligibly,  and  casting  up  accounts.  Nor  is  the  time  altogether 
thrown  away  in  learning  mathematics,  especially  the  theory  of 
the  mechanical  powers.  Some  are  of  opinion  that  this  study 
has  been  of  great  use  in  navigation,  and  hydraulics.  The  an 
cients  found  their  account  in  it,  in  the  construction  of  the  Cat 
apult.  But,  at  least,  what  harm,  in  letting  pedants  chop  logic, 
and  boys  laugh,  in  the  seminaries  ?  A  hering  pickle,  or  a  merry 
Andrew,  is  allowed  to  amuse  people,  and  we  do  not  pull  down 
their  stalls.  A  ventriloquist  is  suffered  to  take  his  dollar  from 
us,  and  we  make  no  remonstrance.  Lectures  on  moral  philoso 
phy  are  at  least  as  innocent  as  this.  I  do  not  know  any  better 
recreation  for  a  lad  of  mettle  than  to  listen  to  a  dissertation  on 
eloquence,  or  discourse  on  chronology,  and  history.  It  shar 
pens  his  wit  to  talk  over  affairs  with  his  equals.  But  there  is 
one  reason  that  serves  for  a  hundred.  It  is  not  every  one  that 
is  born  a  genius,  and  can  do  without  the  help  of  education. 
I  am  therefore  for  continuing  these  crudities  a  little  longer, 
When  we  can  afford  it  better,  we  can  pull  down  the  college. 

This  speech  had  a  good  effect  and  the  mob  retired. 

But  before  they  were  aware,  the  flame  had  broken  out  in 
another  direction.  The  mob  retiring,  had  entered  into  altercaton 
amongst  themselves,  and  began  to  blame  one  Mother.  Some, 
for  not  going  to  burn  the  college,  and  others,  for  having  thought 
of  it  at  all.  In  opposition  to  the  last,  the  first  grew  outrageous, 
and  began  to  exclaim,  and  to  curse  and  to  swear,  and  said,  damn 
them,  but  if  they  had  not  burned  a  college,  they  would  burn  or 
pull  down,  the  church,  or  meeting  house.  They  had  actually 
prepared  faggots,  and  were  on  their  way  a  second  time,  to  ex 
ecute  a  new  mischief. 

The  alarm  was  given,  the  chief  burgess,  and  assistants,  and 
respectable  inhabitants  assembled.  Great  reliance  was  had  up 
on  the  Captain,  from  his  success,  in  the  former  instance ;  and 


MODERN   CHIVALRY,  51 

when  the  two  forces,  that  of  the  mob,  and  that  of  the  commu 
nity  stood  face  to  face,  and  were  in  opposition,  ready  to  fall  on, 
the  one  to  commit  waste,  and  the  other  to  defend,  he  was  called 
upon  to  come  forward  and  harangue. 

He  obeyed  instantly,  but  was  well  aware  that  a  stratagem  in 
war  cannot  succeed  a  second  time,  and  therefore  instead  of  at 
tempting  to  decoy  and  turn  aside  their  passions,  thought  proper 
to  attack  them  directly  by  the  opposite,  fear.  Madmen,  said 
he,  what  do  you  mean  ?  Is  it  to  rob,  plunder  and  murder  that 
you  have  assembled  ?  Come  on ;  but  in  coming  you  must  meet 
with  this  weapon,  brandishing  a  rusty  cut  and  thrust,  which  he 
had  carried  on  muster  days ;  I  am  eome  alone,  but  the  armed 
militia  will  soon  be  here. 

I  am  at  all  times  however,  averse  from  the  use  of  force  until 
it  becomes  necessary ;  I  am  willing  in  the  mean  time  to 
hear  reason.  Why  is  it  that  you  would  pull  down  a  church 
and  abolish  the  Christian  worship  in  the  village? 

It  is  not  our  intention  to  abolish  Christianity,  said  a  tanner 
and  currier,  with  his  leathern  apron  on,  but  to  put  down  the 
preacher  at  this  place  :  who  is  not  an  American  republican,  but 
quotes  the  English  commentators  in  his  sermons,  Henry's 
annotations  on  the  Bible  ;  Burket  on  the  New  Testament ;  Pool's 
Synopsis,  Tillotson  and  Baxter,  and  many  others.  "We  wish  to 
abolish  these,  and  have  nothing  but  our  own  commentaries. 
Are  we  to  be  drawing  our  proofs  from  under  a  monarchy,  and 
referring  to  tracts  and  essays  published  in  Great  Britain  ?  Have 
we  no  sense  of  our  own  to  explain  texts  of  Scripture,  and  ap  • 
ply  doctrines  ?  It  is  time  to  emancipate  ourselves  from  these 
shackles,  and  every  man  be  his  own  expounder,  or  at  least  con 
fine  our  clergy  to  the  Bible  and  the  Psalm  book,  or  such  of  our 
divines,  as  have  written  amongst  ourselves,  and  are  of  our 
own  manufacture  in  a  republican  government. 

Keligion,  said  the  Captain,  is  of  no  government.  Wines  are 
the  better  for  being  brought  over  seas,  and  bur  best  brandies  are 
from  monarchies.  Where  was  the  cloth  of  this  coat  made  ? 
Will  you  reject  a  good  piece  of  stuff  because  it  came  through 
the  hands  of  an  aristocratic  weaver  ?  These  are  false  ideas  of 
what  is  right,  and  useful  to  mankind.  The  common  law  is  not 


. 

MODERN   CII1YALRY. 

the  worse  for  having  been  th«  common  law  of  England,  and 
our  property  and  birth-right  which  our  ancestors  brought  with 
them ;  nor  is  our  Bible  the  worse  for  having  been  translated 
under  James  the  first  of  England,  which  translation  we  still  use, 
and  from  which  we  repeat  all  sentences  of  Scripture.  Nor  are 
systems  of  theology,  or  harmonies  of  the  evangelists  the  worse 
for  having  been  written  in  another  country.  Why  do  we  use 
the  English  language?  Is  it  not  because  we  cannot  easily  sub 
stitute  another ;  or  have  no  better  to  substitute.  The  Shaw- 
anese,  or  Delaware,  or  Piankisha,  may  be  softer,  but  not  so 
copious  or  of  equal  energy  and  strength.  But  even  if  in  all 
respects  superior,  can  we  by  an  act  of  volition,  transfer 
it  into  common  use  and  mike  it  all  at  once,  our  vernacular 
tongue  ? 

The  more  violent  however  were  still  disposed  to  burn  down 
the  church ;  but  the  torch  in  the  mean  time  had  burnt  out, 
and  before  another  could  be  procured,  the  crowd  began  to  dis' 
perse,  and  the  church  was  suffered  to  stand.* 

*  It  may  seem  incredible  to  us  at  this  day,  that  there  should  ever 
have  been  a  popular  outcry  against  education,  but  such  is  the  fact. 
It  was  publicly  declared  in  the  State  Legislature,  by  an  honest  Ger 
man  farmer,  "  I  hates  all  larnin',  and  larntmens;  it  is  only  goot 
to  make  a  man  a  roke."  A  few  years  after  there  was  a  similar  out 
cry  against  the  common  law,  the  judiciary,  and  the  lawyers.  The 
cry  of  our  clay  is  down  with  banks  and  incorporated  companies, 
which  are  called  monopolies  by  the  demagogues.  The  object  of  the 
author  was  to  place  in  a  ludicrous  light,  these  epidemic  follies  of  the 
people.  The  ocean  of  public  opinion  is  subject  to  such  flaws  and 
whirlwinds.  It  must  be  admitted  that  popular  governments  are  less 
steady  in  purpose  and  policy  than  more  concentrated  forms.  But 
then  there  is  abundance  to  compensate,  and  who  would  make  the 
exchange  ?  We  must  look  for  other  virtues  to  make  amends.  Less 
must  be  expected  from  the  government,  and  more  from  the  people 
themselves.  The  author  constantly  inculcates  the  idea  of  the  superi 
ority  of  democracy  over  monarchy,  while  he  labors  to  correct  tho 
errors  of  the  former.  The  great  corrective,  in  his  opinion,  is  the 
diffusion  of  just  sentiments  among  the  people — popular  education— ?• 
general  intelligence,  and  correct  morals.  He  declares  that  an  eu« 


. 

MODERN   CHIVALRY,  53 


CHAPTER   X. 

A  sample  of  the  Memoir  of  0* Regan. 

O'Regan  and  the  schoolmaster  being  suddenly  interrupted 
in  their  work  by  the  uproar  before  described,  had  left  the  un 
finished  manuscript  on  the  table.  A  wag  happening  to  step 
in,  read  a  part,  and  then  continued  where  it  left  off  by  writing 
the  following,  which  will  be  thought  no  way  inferior  to  the 
rest.  The  schoolmaster  had  resumed  his  labour  without 
observing  the  interpolation.  The  subject  in  hand  had  been 
the  ascent  in  a  balloon,  and  the  addition  was  as  follows : 

"  Passing  a  cloud,  I  put  out  my  hand,  and  took  a  piece 

of  it,  and  squeezed  it  like  a  sponge,  and  the  water  ran  out 
freely.  As  we  ascended  to  a  considerable  height,  the  sun  went 
north  about,  but  never  set.  At  the  distance  of  about  fifty 
miles  above  the  earth,  we  saw  a  beautiful  white  bird  setting  on 
the  corner  of  a  cloud,  and  took  it  to  be  one  of  Mahommet's 
pigeons.  If  we  had  a  gun  we  could  have  shot  it.  Passing  by 
the  moon  we  saw  a  man  selling  land  at  auction.  He  wished 
us  to  give  a  bid,  but  we  declared  we  had  no  desire  to  buy  lands 
in  the  moon.  We  came  across  a  comet,  it  appeared  to  bo 
asleep;  it  had  a  tail  like  that  of  a  red  fox,  but  much  longer. 

"  About  a  hundred  leagues  from  the  earth,  the  balloon  struck 
against  a  wasps'  nest,  and  we  were  in  great  danger  from  their 
stings ;  fortunately  we  were  blown  off  by  a  sudden  flaw  of 
wind. 

"  Coming  near  a  hail  bank,  we  filled  a  hat;  gome  of  the  hail 
stones  were  as  large  as  goose  eggs. 

"  About  a  thousand  miles  above  the  earth,  we  passed  through 

lightened  constituency  alone  can  make  an  enlightened  and  honest 
representation.     The  more  enlarged  the  right  of  suffrage,  the  higher 
the  degree  of  general  intelligence  necessary  to  sustain  the  govern 
ment.     Where  this  is  wanting,  it  is  but  a  deceptive  form. 
4* 


0*  MDDERN    CHIVALRY, 

a  field  of  turkey  buzzards.  This  seems  to  be  their  region  • 
and  accounts  for  the  circumstance  that  no  one  has  ever  found 
one  of  their  nests. 

"  As  we  approached  one  of  the  heavenly  bodies,  it  looked 
like  a  small  island  in  Loch  Swilley.  We  next  struck  upon  a 
planet,  but  Blanchard  got  out,  and  shoved  off  the  balloon.  We 
supposed  it  to  be  Mercury,  as  we  heard  orators  haranguing, 
and  a  multitude  of  tongues. 

"  There  were  marriages  going  on  in  Venus,  and  in  Mars  we 
heard  the  drums  beat. 

"  In  Jupiter  we  heard  swearing — 0  !  Jupiter !  Proh  Jupiter! 
By  Jupiter ! 

"  We  meant  to  have  a  pull  at  One  Of  Saturn's  rings,  but  were 
blown  off  our  course,  and  found  ourselves  in  the  latitude  of 
Herschel.  Provisions  failing,  we  thought  proper  to  shape  our 
course  to  the  earth. 

"  The  first  thing  we  saw  was  the  forest  of  Ardennes,  which 
appeared  like  a  shamrock.  The  Pyrennees  mountains  seemed 
a  bed  of  parsley;  and  the  Atlantic  ocean  about  the  size  of  a 
large  duck  pond. 

"  Within  about  a  furlong  of  the  earth,  Blanchard  gave  me 
the  parachute,  and  I  came  down.  It  was  in  a  field  of  corn 
among  reapers.  They  took  me  at  first  for  the  sheep,  that  had 
been  sent  up  in  the  balloon,  but  finding  their  mistake,  invited 
me  to  breakfast." 


CHAPTER  xi. 

Captain  Farrago  pays  another  visit  to  the  blind  lawyer.  T?i& 
common  law  explained*  The  conversation  broken  off  by  a  new 
disturbance. 

HAVING  now  a  little  time  upon  his  hands,  the  Captain 
thought  of  repeating  his  visit  to  the  blind  lawyer,  and  happen 
ing  at  an  interval  of  the  blind  man's  lectures,  he  drew  him  into 
a  conversation  on  the  subject  of  the  law.  What  is  this 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  55 

common  law,  said  he,  which  you  speak  of,  and  why  cannot  ife 
be  abolished?  The  common  law  of  England  !  why  not  a  com 
mon  law  of  our  own  ;  now  that  we  are  an  independent  govern 
ment. 

It  is  our  own  common  law,  said  lawyer  Foster;  we  derive  it 
from  a  common  source  with  the  inhabitants  of  Britain,  in  the 
same  way  that  we  derive  our  common  stock  of  learning,  litera 
ture,  science  and  arts.  Shall  the  people  on  that  side  the  water 
alone  possess  this  jurisprudence,  which  our  common  ancestors 
possessed,  just  because  we  have  left  the  Island?  It  was  be-> 
cause  our  birth-right  to  this  law  was  questioned  that  we 
resisted  in  war,  and  declared  our  independence.  The  right 
of  representation  is  a  principle  of  the  common  law,  and  this 
right  was  denied  to  the  colonies  ;  when  it  was  attempted  to 
by  acts  of  Parliament,  in  the  making  of  which  they  were 
not  represented.  No  taxation  without  representation,  was  the 
right  maintained.  The  right  of  trial  by  jury  is  a  principle  of 
the  common  law,  and  this  in  some  cases,  was  abridged,  in 
others,  taken  away  altogether.  On  what  ground  were  these 
defended  ?  On  the  ground  that  they  were  our  inheritance  by 
the  common  law. 

But  why  called  common  law  ?  It  was  so  called  as  distin 
guished  from  the  laws  of  particulai  places.  It  was  a  system 
common  to  the  whole  people.  The  term  came  into  use  after 
the  Heptarchy,  It  might  be  called  general  law,  from  its  gen 
eral  application,  in  opposition  to  local  custom  or  usages,  or 
special  exceptions.  It  was  also  to  distinguish  it  from  the  Ho-8 
man  civil  law,  and  ecclessiastical  law.  It  was  in  short,  the 
law  common  to  all  classes  and  conditions. 

A  ground  of  this  law  is  reason  ;  or  the  principles  of  univer 
sal  justice.  The  application  of  these  principles  to  particular 
cases,  forms  a  great  part  of  the  common  law ;  the  application 
of  the  principles  of  justice  to  that  infinity  of  cases,  which  arise" 
on  the  intercourse  of  men  in  a  state  of  society :  obligations 
independent  of  contract,  or  contracts  themselves.  "We  read  the 
decisions  in  such  cases,  because  the  reason  of  those  who  have 
gone  before,  is  a  help  to  those  that  follow. 

Eules  of  pleading,  rules  of  evidence,  the  practice  of  cov.rts, 


56  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

are  the  result  of  experience;  and  our  own,  or  adopted  by  us,  as 
a  part  of  the  common  law.  This  law  forms  a  system  begun  in 
-the  woods  of  Germany;  taking  its  rise  among  our  Saxon 
ancestors,  it  was  brought  with  them  into  Britain ;_  receiving 
accessions  from  what  it  found  good  in  the  land  to  which  it 
came. 

Abolish  the  common  law  ?  Why  not  abolish  the  art  of  med" 
icine,  because  it  has  been  cultivated  in  Great  Britain?  Syden- 
ham  Harvey  and  Mead,  are  thought  to  have  added  to  the 
science.  The  British  chemists,  have  increased  the  materia 
medica.  Why  not  make  war  upon  the  apothecaries,  because 
they  sell  English  drugs  ? 

Just  at  that  instant  a  hurly  burly  was  heard  half  a  square 
distant;  people  rushing  into  an  apothecary  shop,  and  jugs 
thrown  out  at  a  window.  It  was  a  mob  collected  to  break 
up  the  doctor. 

There  was  Martin,  the  latin  master,  lifting  up  his  hands, 
the  attitude  of  a  man  attempting  to  ring  a  bell,  endeavoring  to 
appease  the  multitude,  in  such  address  as  was  on  his  tongue 
from  the  classic  authors:  cives,  cives,  quis  furor  vos  agitat! 
vesania  quaa  versat?  quse  damentia  cepit!  Infelix  pecus!  oh! 
heu!  proh  hominum.  Insanire  decet,  ratione,  modoque. 

It  availed  nothing.  The  outrage  was  continued.  Glass  and 
earthen  ware  broken ;  powders  and  liquids  filled  the  atmos 
phere  with  vapour,  and  a  variety  of  smells.  Ah!  said  an  ora 
tor,  it  is  full  time  to  return  to  the  simplicity  of  early  times, 
when  men  had  recourse  in  case  of  internal  diseases,  or  exter 
nal  wounds,  to  the  barks  of  trees,  or  the  plants  of  the  field,  and 
had  not  yet  become  acquainted  with  extractions  and  decoctions 
put  in  phials,  and  called  drops,  to  make  the  well  sick,  and  poi 
son  the  ailing. 

It  would  have  made  a  good  drawing  in  a  picture,  to  have  seen 
the  apothecary  at  work,  in  the  mean  time,  endeavoring  to  clear 
the  shop,  with  a  cudgel,  sometimes  pelting  a  rioter;  at  other 
times  breaking  the  head  of  one  of  his  own  ju^s. 

A  lay  preacher,  with  a  long  beard,  and  crack-brained,  stood 
by,  exhorting  to  carry  on  the  work.  He  had  taken  a  text. 
"  There  is  a  time  to  build,  and  a  time  to  pull  down;  a  time  to 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  57 

sow  and  a  time  to  reap,"  He  thought  this  a  pulling  down  time. 
The  greater  part  of  his  audience  appeared  to  think  him  ortho 
dox,  and  were  showing  their  faith  by  their  works,  at  the  ex 
pense  of  the  dispensary.  Good  God,  called  out  the  son  of 
Esculapius,  will  no  one  assist  ?  shall  I  be  ruined?  The  indus 
try  of  years  dissipated  in  a  day:  ail  my  laudnum,  my  pepper 
mint,  sulphur,  vitriol,  oils,  acids,  my  tartar,  and  arsenic;  all 
gone  to  pot,  or  rather  the  pots  gone  with  them,  jars,  jugs, 
and  glister-pipes:  what  devastation!  what  havoc!  Is  it  for 
sport,  or  for  profit?  Oh,  the  folly,  the  fury,  the  madness  of 
the  populace!  They  are  indeed  the  swinish  multitude.  A 
herd  of  swine  in  a  century  would  not  have  done  so  much 
damage. 

At  this  point  of  the  game,  whether  by  design,  or  accident, 
a  cry  of  fire  had  been  raised  ;  and  the  fire  company  with  their 
engine  and  buckets  were  up,  and  began  to  play  upon  the 
building,  throwing  the  water  in  at  the  windows,  and  at  the 
door,  so  that  the  people  in  the  house,  and  tho  doctor  himself, 
were  as  wet  as  rats,  and  occasionally  the  pipe  carried  round 
with  a  sweep,  came  upon  the  by-standers  without.  The  crazy 
preacher  got  his  Bible  wot,  and  his  Psalm  book;  and  the  latin 
master  called  out.  "Jam  satis  terris ;"  or  that  there  was  rain 
enough ;  and  the  orator,  thought  it  a  new  way  of  quelling 
mobs.  The  Captain  said  he  had  seen  something  of  the  kind 
attempted  in  repressing  bees,  when  they  swarmed,  throwing 
water  on  them,  and  that  the  riots  of  men  were  analagous. 

But  what  can  they  mean,  said  the  Captain,  by  attacking 
this  man's  boluses?  Do  they  mean  to  put  an  end  to 
the  practice  of  physic  ?  Among  the  savages  they  attribute 
aches,  and  pains  in  the  flesh  and  bones,  to  a  bad  spirit  that 
has  got  into  the  muscles,  and  the  tendons,  and  by  rubbing 
with  the  hand,  and  pressing  the  parts,  they  endeavor  to  expel 
it.  The  chaffing  has  sometimes  a  good^effect,  and  if  there 
should  not  be  an  evil  spirit  to  drive  out,  it  eases  and  relieves 
from  the  complaint.  But  though  exercise  and  temperance  may 
preserve  health,  and  cold  and  warm  bathing,  and  friction  of  the 
joints  may  relieve  from  a  rheumatic  pain,  yet  in  a  multitude 
of  cases  the  specifics  of  pharmacy  may  be  found  useful,  espe- 


58  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

cially  in  a  society  of  close  population,  where  we  have  not  woods 
and  forests  to  run,  and  where  sedentary  occupations  keep  peo. 
pie  sitting  half  their  time.  And  though  after  all,  the  diagnosis, 
or  the  distinguishing  diseases,  is  in  many  cases  but  a  guess, 
and  the  means  of  cure  still  more  conjectural,  yet  still  there  is 
something  in  the  province  of  science,  and  the  skill  of  the  well 
read  and  experienced  physician. 

Whj  do  you  not  put  the  law  in  force  against  such  an  attack 
upon  the  druggist,  said  he,  addressing  himself  to  a  peace  offi 
cer,  who  stood  by,  apparently  unconcerned  ?  You  see  his 
chest  of  medicine  broken  open,  before  your  eyes,  and  his 
shelves  pulled  down,  and  the  tables  under  foot,  and  yet  no  one 
bound  over,  and  no  magistrate  to  command  the  peace  under 
the  penalty  of  the  law. 

Soft  and  fairly,  said  the  peace  officers,  all  in  good  time. 

Take  sail  from  the  mast  when  there  comes  too  strong  a  blast. 
A  madness  prevails  at  present.  It  will  be  but  of  a  fortnight's 
continuance.  When  a  people  get  a  thing  into  their  heads,  the 
best  way  is  to  let  them  go  on.  They  will  come  to  themselves 
by  and  by,  as  the  pan  said  to  the  grid-iron. 

But  in  the  meantime  they  will  do  a  great  deal  of  harm,  said 
the  Captain. 

It  is  in  the  atmosphere,  said  a  philosopher.  Is  it  imported 
or  of  domestic  origin?  asked  a  thinking  man  among  the  crowd 

It  may  be  imported,  or  it  may  be  of  domestic  origin,  and 
that's  my  solemn  opinion,  observed  a  wiseacre.  For  both  at 
home  and  abroad  we  have  instances  of  such  madness  breaking 
out,  owing  to  poisonous  gas  in  the  holds  of  vessels,  or  which 
may  breed  in  our  streets,  when  not  kept  clean.  It  may  come 
from  France  or  Ireland ;  but  what  is  there  to  hinder  it  from 
springing  up  here,  where  there  is  as  much  poisonous  stuff  as 
elsewhere?  Man  is  pretty  much  the  same  in  every  place,  the 
good  and  the  bad.  But  let  us  go  in,  and  take  a  dram. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY, 


CHAPTEK  XII. 

Great  success  of  0' Regan's  Memoirs.  The  Captain  is  advised 
to  apply  for  a  Professorship  for  him  at  the  College,  but  is  at 
a  loss  to  know  of  what.  Teague  becones  a  Quack  Doctor. 

The  bog-trotter's  memoirs  had  made  their  appearance,  and 
Were  read  with  great  avidity,  especially  the  part  relating  to 
the  voyage  in  the  balloon.  The  matter  was  new,  and  the  style 
not  disagreeable,  as  the  school-master  had  some  knowledge  of 
Latin,  as  well  as  of  English  literature,  such  as  the  Pilgrim's 
Progress,  Reynard  the  Fox,  and  the  Champions  of  Christendom. 

Some  wags,  taking  advantage  of  the  prevailing  sensation, 
strenuously  insisted  on  the  Captain  applying  for  a  Professor 
ship  for  Teague,  in  the  new  College.  But  of  what  science  or 
art  shall  we  make  him  Professor?  said  the  Captain.  He  is 
totally  illiterate,  and  although  he  may  have  furnished  the 
matter  for  the  book,  he  is  incapable  of  writing  it.  Certainly, 
he  is  not  fit  to  be  a  Professor  of  Rhetoric,  although  I  have 
heard  lectures  on  taste  and  criticism,  by  those  who  had  no 
taste  and  were  no  critics;  but  that  was  an  abuse  not  to  be 
imitated.  Being  importuned,  however,  he  did  at  last  consent 
to  broach  the  subject  to  the  trustees,  and  it  might  have  been 
carried,  but  for  the  interference  of  the  Principal  of  the  Acad 
emy,  who  was  a  man  of  some  learning,  and  who  declared  it 
would  be  a  burlesque  on  the  school,  and  threatened  to  resign, 
if  the  idea  was  persisted  in.  He  alleged,  that  however  great 
the  fame  of  the  phenomenon  might  be,  he  was  fitter  to  be  a 
professor  of  gymnastics  than  of  an  Academy. 

A  professor  of  gymnastics,  then,  let  it  be>  said  Captain  Far 
rago.  It  is  true  he  has  not  read  Salzman  on  the  athletics  of 
schools,  or  Strut  on  games  and  pastimes  in  England;  never 
theless  he  can  play  at  blind-man's  buff,  the  hindmost  of  three, 
and  fool  in  the  corner.  He  is  no  slouch  at  mumble  the  peg,  is 
good  at  a  wrestle,  and  can  handle  the  shelala,  the  national 
weapon  of  Ireland,  as  tho  rifle  is  of  this  country. 


60  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

So  saying,  he  turned  about  and  walked  away,  with  his'stick 
in  his  hand,  to  look  for  the  bog-trotter,  and  to  bring  him  for 
ward  for  the  professorship ;  but  he  had  not  walked  far  before 
he  fell  in  with  the  remains  of  the  doctor's  shop  that  had  been 
thrown  out  upon  the  street;  and  where  was  Teague  in  a  stall, 
turned  doctor,  and  selling  .drugs  to  the  multitude,  arsenic  for 
worm  powder,  and  laudanum  for  wine-cordial.  He  had  picked 
up  the  phials  when  the  apothecary  had  run  off,  fearing  the 
multitude,  and  the  people  thinking  this  man  his  deputy  or 
substitute,  selling  off  at  a  low  price,  were  willing  to  take  a 
bargain  while  they  could  get  it. 

The  Captain  was  irritated  on  the  score  of  humanity,  and  for 
the  first  time,  made  a  stroke  at  the  bog-trotter.  The  cudgel 
lighting  on  a  box  of  Spanish  flies  that  was  going  off  at  twelve 
and  a  half  cents,  dissipated  the  contents.  A  dialogue  ensued, 
and  much  expostulation.  But  the  result  was,  that  the  vendue 
was  broken  up,  as  it  came  to  be  understood  that  Teague  was 
not  the  real  owner  of  the  ware-house,  and  the  purchasers 
might  be  called  on  to  pay  for  the  drugs  a  second  time.  This 
last  consideration  had  an  effect,  and  the  bidding  ceased. 

At  this  time;  an  old  friend  and  neighbor,  John  Murdock, 
came  up;  a  shrewd  man,  though  not  then  in  office,  having 
served  his  term  as  county  commissioner,  and  addressing  him 
self  to  the  Captain — for  the  bog-trotter  had  run  off,  whether 
fearing  the  stick,  or  to  spend  the  money  he  had  gathered — 
Captain,  said  he,  Nemo  omnibus  horis  sapit,  no  man  is  wise  at 
all  times.  You  have  been  a  long  time  seeking  to  get  your  man 
into  place,  and  now  that  he  had  got  into  place  without  you — • 
for  accident  often  does  more  for  a  man  than  his  best  friends— 
you  have  been  unwilling  that  he  shonld  stay  in  it.  Nay, 
you  have  driven  him  from  it.  He  had  just  got  into  a  good 
way,  in  an  honorable  and  lucrative  profession,  and  you  have 
stopped  his  career  with  your  batabuy,  or  shelalah.  Do  you 
think  the  greater  part  of  doctors  >re  better  read  than  he  is? 
or  even  if  better  read,  does  theirjreading  turn  to  more  account? 
Will  the  people  employ  them  sooner  because  they  are  learned 
in  their  profession?  Or  even  if  learned,  is  their  skill 
the  more  to  be  depended  on?  One  of  the  faculty  has  said, 


ftODEHX    CniTALRT.  61 

ars  nostra  eonjecturalis  est.  Hoffman  ran  down  Boerhaare; 
Cullen,  Hoffman;  Brown,  Cullen;  and  the  system  now  among 
the  physicians,  is  a  hotch-potch  or  mixture  of  all.  O'Regan 
might  have  been  a  quack,  but  the  faculty  tell  us  that  medicine 
is  much  indebted  to  quacks.  Mercury  was  brought  into  usa 
by  them,  and  it  is  now  the  panacea,  the  specific  for  all  diseases, 
the  consumption  itself.  Could  not  Teague  assume  a  grave 
appearance,  a  sober  phisioguomy,  a-measured  step,  with  a  cane 
in  his  hand;  a  steady  look  straight  before;  a  nod  to  those  that 
pass  by,  as  if  from  a  thinking  man?  Could  not  he  feel  a  pulse 
and  speak  mysteriously,  if  he  could  not  speak  learnedly,  not 
having  given  clinical  lectures  or  attended  them?  Or  could  ho 
not  hold  his  tongue  along  time,  and  say  nothing?  which  would 
answer  tha  purpose  just  as  well;  for  silence  is  obscurity,  and 
obscurity  is  sublimity.  When  the  patient  is  dead,  it  was  the 
disease  killed  him,  not  the  doctor.  Dead  men  tell  no  tales. 
Facilis  decensus  averni.  Sangrado,  according  to  Le  Sage, 
reduced  medicine  to  blood-letting  and  drinking  water,  and 
diet  to  boiled  apples.  Bebed  agua  in  abundcmcia,  drink  plenty 
of  water.  I  have  heard  the  blind  lawyer  discoursing  to  this 
effect,  that  in  the  profession  of  the  law,  which  is  an  ostensible 
profession,  and  more  likely  to  expose  a  man's  parts  or  faculties 
of  the  mind  than  almost  any  other,  yet  it  is  not  always  under 
stood  who  is  the  real  lawyer;  and  a  man  may  have  made  art 
estate  at  the  bar,  before  it  is  found  out  iliat  lie  is  a  fool.  If  ha 
loses  the  cause  by  his  mismanagement,  he  lays  it  on  the  jury; 
or  if  the  court  decide  on  a  point  of  law  contrary  to  the  advice  he 
had  given,  how  can  I  help  it,  says  he,  if  a  commission  c.annot 
give  sense.  *slt  is  the  law  of  the  books,  though  it  is  not  the  law 
of  their  heads.  The  client  submits,  and  is  better  pleased  with 
his  counsel  than  with  an  honest  fellow  who  told  him  in  tha 
first  instance,  or  would  tell  him  in  the  last,  that  his  cause  was 
none  of  the  best,  and  the  verdict  or  judgment  right.  If  this  is 
the  case  in  a  profession,  which,  in  [comparison  of  the  other,  is 
visible  and  tangible,  that  you  can  reach  it  in  the  exhibition, 
•what  must  it  be  in  an  art  which  is  less  in  view,  where  tha 
ignorance  of  the  practitioner  is  capable  of  more  concealment, 
and  the  man  dies  who  is  most  hurt,  and  carries  his  complaint 


~ 


62  MODERN     CBIVALttY. 


before  Minos  and  Rhadamanthus,  who  wait  until  the  ductor 
comes  to  give  him  a  fair  hearing? 

It  is  not  that  I  had  any  doubt,  said  the  Captain,  of  his  getting 
into  practice,  that  I  had  been  opposed  to  his  empiricism.  My 
apprehension  rather  was,  that  he  would  get  too  much  practice, 
and  have  too  many  lives  to  answer  for  morally  and  in  con 
science,  if  not  legally.  For  what  did  he  know  of  drugs,  or  of 
their  effect  upon  the  human  system? 

If  you  go  to  conscience  and  morality  with  it,  I  have  done, 
said  Mr.  Murdoch.  You  have  no  reasoning  for  me.  I  was 
speaking  as  a  man  of  the  world,  and  the  making  a  living ; 
if  you  feel  yourself  entramelled  with  that  sort  of  doctrine,  you 
are  on  the  other  side  of  the  line;  I  have  no  concern  with  you. 
You  belong  to  the  old  school. 

The  doctor,  in  the  meantime,  had  come  back,  and  was  exam 
ining  the  depredations.  An  inventory  was  taken,  under  the 
direction  of  the  Captain,  that  what  remained  might  be  com 
pared  with  the  original  stock,  and  the  loss  ascertained,  so  that  it 
might  be  compensated  to  the  poor  man  by  subscription.  As  to 
what  had  been  p  arloined  by  Teague  in  the  way  of  sale,  he 
undertook  himself  to  make  up,  having  been  accessary  to  it,  by 
introducing  the  bog-trotter  to  the  village. 


CHAPTERXIII. 

In  which  the  reader  is  introduced  to  some  of  the  sage  politicians 
of  the  village. 

From  what  has  been  related  of  the  activity  of  mind  among 
the  inhabitants  of  this  village,  and  especially  from  politics,  it 
will  not  be  a  subject  of  wonder,  that  there  was  a  village  coffee 
house,  on  a  small  scale,  in  this  place,  and  that  the  people  some 
times  met  here,  to  smoke  a  pipe,  take  a  glass  of  beer,  and 
read  the  newspaper.  It  might  be  called  a  beer  house,  if  what 
was  drank  in  it  gave  the  name,  for  more  ale  was  drunk  than 
aoffee,  bnt  in  imitation  of  the  larger  towns,  it  was  called  a  oof- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  63 

fee-house.     It  happening  that  the  Captain  wishing  to  learn  the 
news  of  the  coffee  house,  took  a  walk  there. 

Teague,  with  what  he  had  collected  from  the  sale  of  the 
drugs,  had  been  here  before  him  ;  and  taking  on  himself  the 
air  of  a  politician,  had  called  for  pipes  and  tobacco,  and  was  look 
ing  over  a  gazette;  not  that  he  could  read;  but  to  induce  people 
to  believe  that  he  read ;  occasionally  also,  as  if  unconscious  of 
those  around  him,  throwing  out  a  sentence  in  French ;  a  little 
of  which  he  had  acquired,  in  the  manner  of  a  magpie  or  par 
rot:  such  phrases  as,  sauve  qui  peut;  tant  pis  pour  lui;  a  la  gul- 
lotine.  Nor  did  he  neglect  the  shrug  of  the  shoulders,  a  habit 
of  expressing  the  emotions  of  the  mind,  which  remained  still 
in  some  degree  among  the  republicans,  though  it  had  been 
contracted  under  the  monarchy,  when  the  people  were  afraid 
to  speak  out,  and  raised  the  back,  when  they  did  not  dare  to 
lift  the  voice ;  and  dumb  signs  served  instead  of  a  viva-yoce 
declaration.  This  suited  the  bog-trotter,  and  enabled  him  to 
conceal  his  ignorance.  Not  that  he  had  the  prudence  to  intend 
this;  but  imitating  what  he  had  seen  abroad,  he  took  up  the 
character  at  home. 

The  attention  of  the  benches  was  attracted  by  his  physiogno 
my,  and  attitude  ;  and  in  the  opinion  of  some  he  was  taken  for 
a  French  minister  or  consul ;  by  others  for  an  emigrant  of  dis 
tinction  that  had  lost  his  property,  for  the  sake  of  his  title  of 
nobility. 

The  Captain  hearing  these  surmises,  impelled  by  the  natural 
candour  of  his  mind,  couid  not  avoid  explaining.  It  is  neither 
French  minister  nor  consul,  said  he,  but  my  bog-trotter,  that  I 
had  detected  some  time  ago  selling  drugs,  and  passing  himself 
for  a  physician.  He  might  be  qualified  to  be  a  cow  doctor, 
but  certainly  not  to  practise  on  the  human  body.  But 
what  particularly  excited  my  indignation,  was  his  purloining  the 
medicines,  taking  and  carrying  away  what  did  not  belong  to 
him,  which  was  aggravated  by  the  circumstance,  of  the  things 
being  thrown  into  the  open  air,  by  the  rioters,  who  had  broken 
the  house,  and  dispersed  the  shop,  to  the  great  injury  of  the 
poor  apothecary,  whose  property  they  were.  I  had  taken 
it  on  myself  to  chastise,  considering  me  under  obliga- 


64  MODERN    CH1VALRT. 

tions  to  restrain  him,  having  been  accessory  to  hia  coming  to 
the  village.  And  if  you  will  give  me  leave,  gentlemen,  and 
excuse  the  time  and  place,  I  will  take  the  liberty  to  deal  a  few 
blows  at  this  instant,  as  he  cannot  conveniently  escape  from 
the  boxes  before  my  stroke  overtakes  him. 

Not  giving  time  for  reflection  or  reply  on  the  part  of  those 
present,  he  raised  his  baton,  and  was  about  to  strike.  Teague 
on  the  other  hand,  had  up  his  heart  of  oak  also,  if  not  to 
offend,  at  lest  to  defend,  and  parry  the  stroke;  his  countenance 
in  the  mean  time  arguing  submission:  his  words  also,  whether 
from  fear  or  respect,  softening,  and  conciliatory.  God  love 
your  soul,  said  he,  and  be  aisy  ;  and  not  be  after  bating  me 
before  dese  paple  dat  know  notting  o'  de  matter;  dat  will  take 
you  for  an  ould  fool,  bating  and  fighting  for  nothing.  Just  for 
making  copper  out  o1  de  offals  of  a  farrier,  selling  dem  to  de 
paple  when  de  docther  himself  ran  off.  It  is  a  good  job 
to  be  making  a  penny  in  hard  times.  If  your  honor  will  give 
me  lave,  I  will  introduce  your  honor  to  dese  paple  dat  have 
taken  me  for  a  French  minister.  I  tought  I  looked  more  like 
a  praist.  But  as  dey  know  best,  it  is  all  de  same  to  me.  I 
will  drink  your  honor's  health  in  a  tankard  of  ale  if  your  hon 
or  will  plase  to  call  for  it.  Dese  civil  looking  strangers,  dat 
I  never  saw  before,  will  like  your  honor  better  dan  kicking  and 
cuffing  wid  your  shelalah,  and  putting  yourself  in  a  passion 
wid  an  honest  boy,  dat  never  meant  you  any  harm. 

The  speech  of  Teague  was  so  deprecatory  and  reasonable, 
that  those  present  could  not  but  interfere,  on  which  the  Cap 
tain  consented  to  let  him  off,  advising  more  honesty  and  fair 
dealing  for  the  future.  But,  in  his  apology  to  the  company, 
for  what  might  seem  an  impropriety  in  behaivour,  he  was  led 
to  give  the  history  of  the  Hibernian,  and  the  circumstance  of 
his  being  in  France,  which  accounted  for  his  affecting  the 
French  manner,  and  occasional  attempts  at  the  language. 
This  in  the  mean  time  led  to  a  general  conversation  on  the  af 
fairs  of  France,  and  the  history  of  the  revolution.  Observations 
were  made  above  the  ordinary  style  of  beer-house  conversation; 
and  of  which,  though  expressed  in  a  desultory  manner,  as 
each  one  took  the  pine  from  his  mouth,  or  listened  to  the  sug- 


MODERN    CHIVALRT.  G5 

\ 

gestions  of  others,  it  may  be  worth  while  to  give  a  sample. 

One  of  these,  who  had  a  fluency  of  tongue,  and  ready  mem 
ory  observed,  That  the  loss  of  liberty  in  the  course  of  that 
revolution,  was  owing  to  the  unski!lfulness  of  those  who  con 
ducted  it. 

But,  in  like  situations,  said  another,  is  it  reasonable  to  ex 
pect  more  skill  ?  The  mass  of  the  people  conducted  the 
revolution,  and  is  it  in  the  nature  of  things,  for  them  to  stop 
at  a  proper  point? 

It  is  not  in  the  nature  of  things,  said  another.  They  will  rush 
on  like  a  herd  of  wild  buffalos,  until  they  come  to  a  precipice, 
and  then  they  will  tumble  each  other  over  it.  It  is  natural  to 
distrust  him  who  proposes  to  stop  short  of  what  seems  a  com 
plete  reform;  and  when  all  are  in  motion,  without  command  or 
discipline,  they  will  move  on  until  compelled  to  stop  by  the 
exhaustion  of  their  own  efforts.  The  sovereign  people  is  as 
liable  to  the  impulse  of  passion,  and  as  open  to  the  insinua 
tions  of  flatterers,  as  an  individual  tyrant.  The  courtier  de 
void  of  principle  in  the  democratic  hall,  gets  the  ear  of  the 
populace,  as  ho  would  that  of  a  prince,  and  abuses  it. 

I  do  not  know  well  what  a  man  can  better  do,  said  another, 
than  just  to  fall  in  with  the  current  of  opinion,  and  when  it 
changes,  change  with  it.  "We  are  right,  say  the  people.  You 
are  right,  says  the  politician.  We  were  wrong,  say  the 
people.  You  were  wrong,  says  the  same  man.  Who  is  ever 
displeased  with  a  person  who  has  been  in  the  same  error  with 
himself? 

That  is  true,  said  the  Captain,  but  is  there  no  such  thing  as 
public  spirit?  Is  there  not  a  spice  of  virtue  to  be  found  in  a 
republic  ?  Who  would  not  devote  himself  for  the  public  good? 
Were  Phocion  and  Philopoemen  time-servers  ?  I  grant  that 
it  is  not  the  way  ultimately  to  make  friends  of  them,  and  to 
have  their  confidence.  Let  school-boys  propose  to  rob  an  or 
chard,  they  will  respect  him  who  dissuaded,  though  it  was  not 
popular,  but  incurred  the  imputation  of  cowardice,  and  want 
of  spirit,  at  the  time.  Let  them  be  brought  to  punishment  for 
it,  they  will  revere  him  who  had  told  them  it  was  wroug,  but 
was  hurried  along  with  them,  and  suffered  by  their  fault.  It 


66  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

is  by  these  means  that  amongst  savages,  strong  minds  obtain 
the  ascendancy,  and  are  trusted  by  the  nation.  Great  is  the 
force  of  truth,  and  it  will  prevail.  It  requires  great  courage 
to  bear  testimony  against  an  error  in  the  judgment  of  the  mul 
titude;  as  it  is  attended  with  present  disreputation.  Yet  this 
moral  courage  is  virtue,  and  is  its  own  reward. 

The  great  mischief  in  democracy  is  party,  said  an  orator, 
who  had  taken  the  pipe  from  his  teeth,  at  the  same  time  spit 
ting  on  the  floor. 

It  is  the  great  advantage  of  it,  said  his  neighbor.  It  is  the 
angel  that  descends  at  a  certain  season,  and  troubles  the  pool 
of  Bethsaida,  that  the  lame  person  may  be  made  whole.  Were 
it  not  for  party,  all  things  would  go  one  way;  the  community 
would  stagnate. 

But  let  one  party  obtain  the  ascendancy,  and  does  it  not 
come  to  the  same  thing?  All  things  will  go  the  one  way  then, 
or  rather  stand  still. 

Not  so,  said  the  Captain;  no  party  can  maintain  power  long. 
The  ascendancy  carries  its  overthrow  along  with  it.  The  du 
ration  depends  upon  the  judgment  of  the  leaders  of  the  coun 
cils.  But  the  leaders  will  find  that  they  cannot  lead  always. 
While  they  were  struggling  up  the  ascent,  every  one  was  wil 
ling  to  be  helped,  and  took  advice.  But  on  the  top  of  the 
precipice,  scamper  and  hoop,  and  there  is  no  restraining  them. 
And  then  if  spoil  has  been  taken  in  the  battle,  they  will  be 
sure  to  quarrel  about  the  share  each  one  has  a  right  to  claim  as 
the  reward  of  his  particular  exertions.  A  leader  of  judgment 
will  always  find  it  more  difficult  to  manage  his  own  people, 
than  to  combat  his  adversaries.  They  cannot  be  brought  to 
halt  at  a  proper  point ;  and  their  errors  bring  them  down 
again,  as  those  in  power  did  before  them. 

However,  this  is  wandering  from  the  point,  said  a  man  in  a 
black  wig;  we  were  talking  of  the  French;  who  says  that  Bo 
naparte  did  not  usurp  the  government  ? 

I  am  of  that  opinion,  said  Captain  Farrago;  for  there  was 
no  government  to  usurp.  He  put  down  the  directory,  who  put 
down  the  councils.  The  banishment  to  Cayenne  is  a  proof 
of  this. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  67 

I  agree  with  you,  said  an  individual  on  the  other  side  of  the 
box,  or  bench,  as  it  rather  might  be  called.  It  was  the  moun- 
tain  that  ruined  the  republic,  at  the  very  time  they  were  run 
ning  down  others  under  the  charge  of  incivicism  and  conspir 
acy  against  the  republic. 

Doubtless,  said  the  Captain,  it  is  in  popular  intemperance, 
that  aristocracy,  at  least  despotism  had  its  source.  Anarchy 
is  a  return  to  the  state  of  nature,  where  the  strong  and  bold 
will  rule  over  the  weak  and  timid.  Here  rising,  and  paying 
his  score,  he  withdrew. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

The  Captain  visits  some  of  the  public  establishments  of  the  mi 
lage.  The  Lunatic  Hospital—finds  a  mad  poet  engaged  in 
turning  the  first  volume  of  Modern  Chivalry  into  rhyme. 

The  Captain  having  a  short  space  of  time  to  spare  from  his 
avocations,  and  disposed  to  take  the  air,  had  walked  out,  and 
coming  near  the  small  building  which  served  as  a  hospital  for 
the  village,  was  disposed  to  visit,  and  see  the  state  in  which  it 
was,  with  what  new  objects,  since  he  had  been  absent  on  his 
perigrinations. 

He  was  shown  by  the  keeper  an  extraordinary  object  in  a 
cell,  a  man  who  imagined  himself  a  moral  philosopher,  deliv 
ering  lectures.  His  observations  were  occasionally  fraught 
with  good  sense.  While  the  Captain  stood,  in  the  passage 
opposite  his  door,  he  made  a  note  of  some  part  of  his  dis 
course,  and  which,  having  had  the  opportunity  of  copying,  we 
shall  give  to  the  reader.  It  was  on  the  subject  of  resentment 
of  injuries. 

It  is  a  strange  thing,  said  he,  that  we  cannot  submit  with 
equanimity  to  evils  in  the  moral  world,  as  we  do  in  the  natu 
ral.  We  expect  a  fair  day,  and  there  comes  a  foul.  Is  it  any 
gratification  to  us,  to  beat  tho  air,  or  stamp  upon  the  puddle  ? 


CHIVALRY". 

Who  would  think  of  giving  the  cow-skin  to  a  hurricane  ? 
Yet  the  greatest  damage  is  sometimes  done  by  a  blast  of 
wind.  He  would  be  thought  a  madman,  and  be  sent  to  this 
place,  who  was  apprehended  buffetting  a  whirlwind,  even 
though  it  had  torn  up  by  the  roots,  or  broken  down  a  fruit 
tree.  He  must  be  out  of  his  senses  indeed,  that  would  have 
recourse  to  a  bludgeon  in  case  of  an  attack  by  an  inundation. 
It  would  be  a  laughing  stock  to  see  even  a  Turk  giving  the 
bastinado,  to  a  hot  season  or  to  cold  weather.  The  knout  to 
a  Russian  winter!  Did  the  Pope  ever  excommunicate  a  storm 
on  the  ocean?  Whafr  man  is  angry  with  a  squall  of  wind? 
He  considers  it  an  evil,  and  composes  his  mind  to  the  loss  of 
his  merchandise.  Is  ingratitude  less  to  be  expected  ?  And 
yet  when  it  happens,  we  reprobate,  and  seek  revenge.  Suffer 
ings  from  moral  causes,  are  just  as  common  as  from  natural. 
And  yet  when  an  injury  is  committed  by  a  human  creature, 
we  are  taken  by  surprise,  and  lose  temper.  Cannot  we  turn 
away  as  from  a  sudden  gust,  and  shelter  under  some  one  wil 
ling  to  protect  us,  without  thinking  more  of  the  enemy  that 
had  beaten  us  with  his  fist,  or  abused  us  with  a  bad  tongue? 
The  pelting  of  a  hail-storm  never  induces  you?  to  use  hard 
words,  or  to  demand  satisfaction  of  the  atmosphere  ;  and  yet 
you  will  send  a  challenge,  and  risk  your  own  life  to  punish  a 
man  that  has  barely  slighted  you  in  manner  or  in  words.  Why 
not  take  the  other  side  of  the  road,  and  pass  him  as  you  would 
a  pond  of  water,  or  a  marshy  place?  Cannot  we  take  the  ne 
cessary  precaution  against  calumny,  as  we  would  against  foul 
air,  without  putting  ourselves  in  a  passion  with  the  author  of 
the  defamation,  any  more,than  with  a  vapour  or  an  exhalation? 
But  there  is  such  a  thing,  as  will  and  intention  in  the  moral 
agent.  Is  this  anything  more  than  an  idea,  a  matter  of  our 
own  imagination?  It  is  the  same  thing  to  us  whether  there  is 
a  spirit  in  the  winds,  or  no  spirit,  when  a  house  is  blown  down, 
or  the  roof  carried  away.  What  is  it  to  us,  whether  the  cause 
thinks,  or  does  not  think?  We  blame  it  the  most  sometimes 
because  it  does  not  think.  We  call  in  question  the  understand, 
ing  of  a  man  when  he  wrongs  us ;  and  say,  if  he  had  the  reflec 
tion  of  a  reasonable  being,  he  would  have  conducted  himself 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  0» 

in  a  different  manner.  And  yet  the  consideration  that  he  had 
not  reflection,  does  not  mitigate,  but  increases  our  resent 
ment.  Oh!  the  inconsistency  of  human  judgments!  1 
am  shut  up  here  as  a  madman,  in  a  mad  place,  and  yet  it  ap 
pears  to  me  that  I  am  the  only  rational  being  amongst  men, 
because  I  know  that  I  am  mad,  and  acknowledge  it,  and  they 
do  not  know  they  are  mad,  or  acknowledge  it. 

As  far  as  my  small  judgment  goes,  says  an  orator,  when  he 
is  about  to  express  an  opinion,  and  yet  he  does  not  think  his 
judgment  small.  He  would  take  it  much  amiss  if  any  one  took 
him  at  his  word,  and  would  say,  true  it  is,  your  judgment  is  but 
small.  All  think  themselves  wise,  wise,  wise.  But  I  pay, 
fools,  fools,  fools.  At  this  the  madman  threw  himself  down  on 
his  couch,  and  fell  asleep. 

In  the  next  apartment  was  an  insane  person,  who  styled 
himself  the  Lay  Preacher,  who  took  his  text  as  usual,  and  be 
gan  to  preach.  Book  of  Judges,  21 :  25.  "  In  those  days  there 
was  no  king  in  Israel;  and  every  man  did  that  which  was  right 
in  his  own  eyes." 

That  was  right,  said  a  mad  democrat,  who  was  confined  in 
a  cell  across  the  passage.  When  we  got  quit  of  a  king,  the 
same  thing  was  expected  here,  "  that  every  man  should  do  that 
which  was  right  in  his  own  eyes,"  but  behold  we  are  made  to 
do  that  which  is  right  in  the  eyes  of  others.  The  law  governs, 
and  this  law  is  made  up  of  acts  of  assembly,  and  the  decisions 
of  the  courts  ;  and  a  kind  of  law  they  call  the  common  law.  A 
man's  nose  is  just  as  much  on  the  grind  stone  as  it  was  before 
the  revolution.  It  is  not  your  own  will  you  must  consult ;  but 
the  will  of  others.  Down  with  all  law,  and  give  us  a  free  gov 
ernment,  "  that  every  man  may  do  that  which  is  right  in  his 
own  eyes."  Talk  of  liberty,  when  a  man  can't  do  as  he  pleases. 
It  is  no  liberty — it  is  tyranny,  monarchy,  aristocracy  and  fed 
eralism. 

Madman,  said  the  preacher,  thou  knowest  not  what  thou 
sayest.  It  is  not  allowable  that  men  should  do  that  which  is 
right  in  their  own  eyes.  A  man  is  not  a  proper  judge  of 
right  in  his  own  cause.  His  passions  bias  his  judgment.  He 
cannot  see  the  right  and  justice  of  the  case.  The  want  of  a 


70  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

king  in  Israel  was  accompanied  with  the  want  of  laws.  I  do 
not  mean  to  say  that  without  a  king  there  cannot  be  laws. 
But  kings  are  put  here  for  government,  that  being  the  govern 
ment,  at  that  period  known  in  the  world.  For  even  a  mixed 
monarchy  is  an  improvement  of  later  times.  The  meaning  is, 
there  being  no  government,  every  man  did  that  which  was  right 
in  his  own  eyes  ;  and  ten  to  one,  but  it  was  wrong  in  the  eyes  of 
others.  A  wild  state  of  anarchy — a  time  for  Sampson  to  live, 
that  could  knock  down  people  with  "the  jaw-bone  of  an  ass." 

"What  worse,  said  the  democrat,  than  amongst  us,  where  we 
see  honest  men  knocked  down  with  the  jaw-bones  of  lawyers, 
arguing  a  cause,  and  the  judges  that  decide  upon  the  case? 
A  poor,  naked,  bare-footed  fellow  helps  himself,  without  leave, 
to  something  to  eat,  takes  some  clothing  from  one  who  has  a 
whole  shop  full,  and  he  is  put  in  confinement  as  a  criminal, 
when  he  has  only  claimed  his  natural  rights.  "Was  not  the 
earth,  and  all  the  things  on  the  face  of  it,  flesh,  herb,  and  fish, 
given  to  men  in  common,  by  the  creator  ?  Adam  was  only  the 
recipient  for  the  benefit  of  all.  And  this  first  law  is  constantly 
violated  by  the  monopolies  of  goods,  money  and  land!  Some 
have  ten  times  more  than  they  need,  while  others  have 
nothing  but  their  bodies.  Is  this  the  law  of  God?  I  say 
no — the  word  is,  divide,  divide,  so  that  each  may  have  his 
share. 

But,  said  the  preacher,  in  that  case  some  men  would  soon 
•waste,  or  squander  their  portion,  and  be  again  destitute — 
what  then  ? 

Why  divide  again,  said  the  mad  democrat. 

At  that  rate,  replied  the  preacher,  the  second  division  would 
be  the  last,  for  after  that  no  one  would  acquire  property  of  any 
kind. 

So  much  the  better,  said  the  democrat. 

Passing  on,  the  Captain  came  to  a  stair  case,  and  ascended 
to  the  second  story;  he  wished  to  see  a  mad  poet  who  had  been 
engaged  in  travestying  his  travels.  He  had  the  advantage  of 
a  commodious  apartment,  more  so,  than  some  of  those  who 
have  surpassed  him  in  his  art  in  different  places  and  periods 
of  the  world.  The  poet  Dryden  was  not  so  well  accommoda- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  71 

ted,  at  the  time  he  wrote  his  St.  Cecilia's  ode,  which  is  thought 
to  be  the  best  of  his  compositions.  The  poet  that  we  have  be 
fore  us,  was  a  quiet  man,  ard  had  the  privilege  of  the  hospital, 
to  go  and  come  as  he  pleased,  but  not  to  go  without  the  walls. 
He  was  confined  here  by  his  relations  merely  as  a  matter  of 
convenience,  being  so  absent  in  mind  that  he  was  incapable  ot 
taking  care  of  himself.  The  manuscript  in  doggerel  verse, 
would  seem  to  be  sufficient  to  compose  a  book,  half  as  large  as 
Hudibras.  He  was  overjoyed  to  see  tlft  Captain,  who  was 
the  hero  of  his  poem ;  and  the  Captain  was  no  less  amused  to 
see  him,  and  the  adventures  of  which  he  made  a  part,  turned 
into  rhyme.  His  sensations  were  somewhat  similar  to  those 
of  the  Trojan  hero,  when  he  saw  the  war  of  Troy,  in  the  paint 
ings  hung  up  in  the  hall  of  the  queen  of  Carthage.  The  cir 
cumstance  was  not  less  entertaining  to  him  as  the  actor,  or  the 
speaker  in  the  course  of  the  adventures  so  recorded,  and  he 
consented  to  accept  a  copy,  not  that  he  meant  to  give  it  to  the 
press,  but  to  cast  his  eye  over  it,  for  his  particular  amuse 
ment:  nevertheless  the  manuscript  having  fallen  into  our  hands, 
we  shall  select  parts  of  it,  and  according  as  the  reader  seems 
to  like  what  he  gets,  we  shall  give  him  more.  In  the  mean 
time  we  shall  dismiss  the  Captain  from  the  hospital,  not  but 
that  there  was  much  more  to  see  and  hear,  amongst  the  bed 
lamites  still;  but  affected  with  melancholy,  and  weary  of  the 
scene;  at  the  same  time  doubting  with  himself,  whether  those 
he  saw  confined,  were  more  devoid  of  reason  than  the  bulk  of 
men  running  at  large  in  the  world.  He  had  no  donbt  of  one 
being  a  lunatic,  of  whom  the  keeper  made  mention,  but  whom 
he  had  not  inclination  to  visit  in  the  second  story ;  he  was 
said  to  be  employed  looking  at  the  moon,  with  a  pair  of  spec 
tacles,  which  he  took  for  a  telescope.  For  lunacy  means  moon 
struck,  and  this  seemed  to  be  the  case  in  this  instance. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

Containing  various  matters  of  village  clamor.  The  no  code  and 
the  new  code  parties.  There  is  a  talk  of  making  judge  of 
O'Regan. 

HAVING  turned  his  back  on  the  hospital,  there  was  a  con 
course  of  people:  the  cry  was  a  new  code  of  laws. 

A  new  code?  said  a  grave  man.  Is  not  the  old  the  result  of 
experience,  a  gradual  accession  of  rules  and  regulations  in 
society?  Begin  again,  and  you  would  come  to  the  same  result 
at  last.  But  to  form  laws  from  abstract  comprehension,  fitted 
to  all  exigencies,  is  not  within  the  compass  of  the  powers  of 
man.  It  is  sufficient  if  he  can  form  a  schedule  or  plan  of 
government;  this  is  tho  outline;  the  interior  gyrations  must  be 
made  up  from  repeated  experiments. 

The  words,  new  code,  were  mistaken  by  some  amongst  the 
the  crowd,  for  no  code. 

No  code  was  repeated  through  the  multitude. 

What,  no  laws  at  all?  said  the  grave  man. 

No  laws,  was  the  outcry  immediately;  and  every  vociferous 
person  wishing  to  hear  himself  speak,  and  every  timid  person 
afraid  of  being  suspected  of  incivicism,  began  to  call  out,  no 
laws. 

That  will  never  do,  said  the  grave  man ;  it  were  better  to 
have  no  judges  than  to  have  no  laws,  or  at  least  as  bad.  For 
how  can  men  judge  but  by  laws?  Arbitrary  direction  is  a 
blind  guide. 

The  words,  no  judges,  had  been  heard  more  distinctly  than 
the  rest,  and  supposing  it  to  be  a  substitute  for  no  laws,  voices 
came  from  every  quarter  in  support  of  the  amendment.  I 
support  the  amendment,  I  agree  to  the  substitute;  no  judges, 
no  judges. 

The  clamor  became  general,  down  with  the  judges. 

This  puts  mo  in  mind,  said  tho  Captian,  of  the  sermon  of 


MODERN    CniYALTlT.  73 

the  Lay  Preacher.  I  should  have  no  objection  to  an  amend 
ment  of  the  law,  or  to  new  judges;  but  no  laws,  no  judges,  is 
more  than  I  had  expected  to  have  heard  in  an  assembly  of 
republicans. 

A  person  standing  by  was  struek  with  the  good  sense  and 
moderation  of  this  remark,  and  stepping  forward,  made  his 
harrangue. 

I  will  not  say,  said  he,  that  I  am  for  no  judges ;  but  this  I 
will  say,  that  new  judges  is  a  desideratum  in  the  body  politic. 
The  greater  part  that  we  have  are  grown  grey,  and  are  as 
blind  as  bats;  they  cannot  see  without  spectacles.  I  am  for 
new  judges. 

You  talk  of  judges,  said  the  grave  man,  as  if  it  was  as  easy 
to  make  a  judge  of  law  as  to  make  a  bird-cage  or  a  rat-trap. 

What,  said  a  merry  fellow,  shall  we  have  new  shoes,  new 
pantaloons,  and  new  everything,  and  shall  we  not  have  new 
judges?  We  shall  never  do  any  good  with  the  present  judges 
on  the  bench,  who  are  old  and  worn  out. 

It  was  carried  that  there  should  be  new  judges. 
But  having  disposed  of  the  old,  it  became  a  question  whom 
they  should  elect  for  new.     The  bog-trotter  was  proposed  for 
one,  having  had  his  name  up  before  in  the  matter  of  the  news 
paper. 

What,  my  waiter  ?  said  the  Captain.  Yes,  your  waiter,  said 
a  wag,  or  a  fool,  I  do  not  know  which. 

You  astonish  me,  said  the  Captain.  My  waiter  a  judge  of 
the  courts  1  He  will  make  sad  work  on  a  bench  of  justice.  He 
will  put  down  all  law.  He  will  silence  all  lawyers.  He  will 
have  no  law;  no  books;  no  cases;  all  plain-sailing  with  him. 
Every  man  his  own  lawyer,  state  his  own  case;  and  speak  for 
himself.  Hooks  and  Crooks;  no  Hawkins;  no  Bacons,  or 
Blackstones,  or  Whitestones;  no  strange  cases;  no  law  of 
evidence.  Every  man  sworn  to  tell  what  he  knows,  whether 
he  has  seen  it,  or  heard  it,  at  second  or  at  first  hand;  interest 
or  no  interest;  all  the  same;  let  the  jury  believe  what  they 
think  proper;  and  the  judge  state  the  law  from  his  thumbs 
ends  without  books. 
This  is  madness,  and  here  I  have  more  trouble  on  my  hands 


74  MODERX    CUiYALRY. 

with  this  bog-trotter,  than  I  have  ever  had  before.     It  is  a 
more  delicate  matter  to  see  him  placed  on  the  seat  of  justice 
to  administer  the  laws,  than  to  be  in  the  senate  house,  and 
assist  to  make  them.     For  in  that  case  ho  would  be  but  a 
component  member  of  a  great  body,  and  his  errors  might  be 
lost  in  the  wisdom  of  the  other  members.     But  in  the  capacity 
of  judge  he  is  sole,  or  with  but  a  few,  and  it  is  an  easier  matter 
to  frame  a  single  law,  than  to  expound  and  apply  a  thousand. 
Fellow  citizens,  said  he,  addressing  himself  to  the  multitude, 
you  will  ruin  your  administration;  you  will  bring  disgrace  upon 
ife.     The  people  will  not  feel  your  error  at  once,  but  they  will  feel 
it  by  and  bye,  and  will  depose  you  who  have  been  most  active 
in  this  cavalcade.     That  is,  they  will  withdraw  from  you  their 
confidence.     The  abuse  of  power  leads  to  the  loss  of  it.     No 
party  in  a  government  can  exist  long,  but  by  moderation  and 
wisdom.     The  duration  of  power  will  always  be  in  proportion 
to  the  discreet  use  of  it.     I  am  shocked  at  your  indiscretion. 
Have  not  some  of  you  read  Don  Quixote?    In  the  capacity  of 
judge,  Sancho  Panza  made  some  shrewd  decisions;  or  rather 
Cervantes  made  them  for  him ;  for  I   doubt  much   whether 
Sancho  ever  made  one  of  them.     But  who  is  there  of  you  will 
make  decisions  for  Teague?     I  doubt  very  much  whether  he 
would  take  advice,  or  let  any  one  judge  in  his  behalf.     Besides 
that  of  a  judge  is  not  a  ministerial  omce,  and  cannot  legally 
ba  exercised  by  a  deputy.    You  will  make  pretty  work  of  it  with 
Teague  for  judge.     It  may  be  according  to  the  light  of  nature, 
but  not  according  to  the  law  of  nature  that  he  will  judge.     At 
least,  not  according  to  the  law  of  nations  ;  for  no  nation  under 
heaven  ever  had  such  a  judge.     Not  even  in  the  most  unen 
lightened  times.    If  he  had  a  knowledge  even  of  the  old  Bre- 
hon  law,  in  his  native  country,  it  might  be  some  help.     But  in 
matters  of  meum  and  tuum  he  has  a  certain  wrong-headedness 
that  hinders  him  from  ever   seeing  right.     He  thinks  always 
on  the  one  side;  that  is,  on  his  own  side.     But  what  he  would 
do  between  suitors,  I  am  not  so  clear,  but  I  take  it  he  would 
be  a  partial  judge.     The  man  has  no  principle  of  honor  or 
honesty.     He  would  be  an  unjust  judge. 

Will  not  the  commission  make  him  a  judge?  exclaimed  one 
of  the  multitude. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY  75 

But  will  it  make  Lim  capable  of  judging?  said  the  Captain. 

YYhy  not?  said  a  boisterous  man.  What  else  qualifies  or 
makes  fit?  Can  the  most  sensible  man,  or  the  most  learned 
person,  judge  without  a  commission? 

Doubtless  that  is  the  authority,  said  the  Captain.  But  still 
the  capacity. 

Horapacity!  said  a  man,  with  a  bit  out  of  one  side  of  the 
membrane  of  his  nose,  snivelling  in  hia  speech,  at  the  same 
time  squirting  out  a  more  than  usual  quantity  of  tobacco  juice; 
hompacity!  Hive  me  the  hommisshin,  an'  I'll  ho-o  you  the 
hompacity.  Let  me  hee  who  dhare  whestion  my  hompacity! 

Such  a  burlesque,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  tends  naturally  to 
the  overthrow  of  justice.  For  able  and  conscientious  men  will 
withdraw  from  a  degraded  station.  Intrigue,  worse,  perhaps, 
than  the  arm  of  flesh  itself,  will  come  to  be  employed  in  the 
management  of  causes.  Security  of  person,  property,  and 
reputation,  the  great  end  of  civil  institutions,  will  be  rendered 
precarious.  The  security  of  them  depends  upon  fixed  and 
known  rules,  as  well  as  the  application  of  them.  It  is  not  an 
easy  matter  to  attain  a  knowledge  of  these  rules.  The  laws  of 
a  single  game  at  school,  or  of  such  as  employ  manhood,  in  an 
hour  of  amusement,  is  a  thing  of  labor  to  acquire.  The  law 
parliamentary,  or  rules  of  a  legislative  body,  is  not  learned  in  a 
day.  And  yet  without  a  knowledge  of  it,  there  is  a  want  of 
order,  or  dispatch  in  business.  The  laws  of  municipal  regu 
lation  in  a  community;  laws  of  external  intercourse,  and  internal 
policy,  are  not  attainable  with  the  celerity  of  a  moment's 
warning.  But  when  we  come  to  the  rules  of  property,  the 
laws  of  tenure  and  contract,  a  field  opens  that  startles  the 
imagination.  Even  the  study  of  years  makes  but  a  sciolist. 
But  you  will  say,  lay  aside  rules.  Let  all  decisions  spring 
from  the  dictates  of  common  sense,  applied  to  the  particular 
case  before  the  judge.  But  the  mere  arbitrary  sense  of  right 
and  wrong,  is  an  unsafe  standard  of  justice.  A  free  govern 
ment,  is  a  government  of  laws.  A  Cadi  or  a  Mufti  are  tolera 
ble  only  in  despotic  countries.  You  are  destroying  your 
republic,  by  undermining  the  independence  and  respectability 
of  your  judiciary.  It  is  that  branch  of  government  on  which 
liberty  most  essentially  depends. 


70  HODERN   CHIVALRY. 

Tho  multitude  seemed  to  ba  but  little  moved  by  thesa  obser 
vations,  which  made  it  necessary  for  the  Captain  to  try  what 
could  be  done  with  the  bog-trotter  himself,  to  dissuade  him  from 
accepting  the  appointment.  Accordingly,  taking  him  aside, 
he  spoke  to  him  as  follows: 

Teague,  said  he,  will  there  be  no  end  of  your  presumption? 
I  take  it  to  be  a  great  error  of  education  in  our  schools  and 
colleges,  that  ambition  is  encouraged  by  the  distribution  of 
honors,  in  consideration  of  progress  in  letters;  that  one  shall  be 
declared  the  first  scholar  in  languages,  another  in  mathematics. 
It  is  sufficient  that  the  fact  be  so  without  announcing  it.  The 
self-love  of  the  student  will  find  it  out  for  himself,  without  in 
formation,  and  his  fellow  students  will  be  ready  to  acknowledge 
it,  provided  that  it  is  not  arrogated,  or  a  demand  made  that  it 
be  formally  acknowledged.  For  this  takes  away  the  friendship 
of  others,  and  corrupts  the  moral  feelings  of  the  successful 
competitor  himself.  Ambition  springs  up,  that  accursed  root 
which  poisons  the  world.  Now,  you  cannot  lay  your  ambition 
to  schools  or  colleges;  for  you  have  never  been  at  any  seminary 
whatever,  as  far  as  I  understand,  if  I  may  guess  from  your 
want  of  attainments  in  academic  studies;  and  yet  notwith 
standing  you  have  never  been  in  the  way  of  the  distinction  of 
grades,  and  prizes,  and  literary  honors,  you  have  discovered  an 
ambition  of  a  full  grown  size,  even  without  those  advantages 
which  are  the  stepping-stone  to  the  ambition  of  others.  It 
must  be  a  bad  nature  that  has  generated  this  preposterous 
aiming  and  stretching  at  promotion.  A  wise  man  will  weigh 
what  he  undertakes;  what  his  shoulders  can  bear,  and  what 
they  cannot.  He  will  consider  whether  the  office  is  fit  for  him, 
or  whether  he  is  fit  for  the  office.  He  will  reflect  that  the 
shade  is  oftentimes  the  most  desirable  situation.  Do  you  se0 
that  bird  upon  the  tree  there?  It  builds  its  nest  with  care, 
and  endeavors  to  render  it  convenient.  But  does  it  build  it  on 
the  topmost  bough,  exposed  to  the  sun  and  the  heavy  rain?  or 
rather  does  it  not  choose  an  inferior  branch  in  the  thickest  of 
the  umbrage?  Take  a  lesson  from  the  fowls  of  heaven,  and 
the  brutes  of  the  field.  It  is  not  the  elevation  of  place  but  the 
conveniency  of  the  accommodation,  that  governs  them.  Am- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  77 

bition  is  an  accursed  germ  of  evil  in  the  human  mind.  It  is 
equally  destructive  of  the  happiness  of  the  possessor  and  o^ 
that  of  others.  You  a  republican,  and  yet  destitute  of  republi 
can  virtue,  the  basis  of  which  I  take  to  be  humility  and  self- 
denial!  Were  I  the  master  of  an  academy,  the  first  and  con 
tinual  lesson  would  be,  to  attain  science,  and  be  learned;  but 
as  to  seeming  so,  consider  it  of  no  account.  Science  wauld 
discover  itself.  The  possessing  knowledge  would  b«  its  own 
reward.  The  concealment  of  all  self-knowledge  of  this  ad 
vantage,  not  only  constitutes  the  decent  and  becoming  in  life, 
but  lays  the  foundation  of  emolument  in  the  good  will  of 
others.  It  may  be  pardonable  in  early  age  to  have  pride  in 
the  advantage  of  bodily  form;  but  we  call  in  question  the  mod 
esty  of  a  youth,  male  or  female,  who  seems  to  set  an  inordinate 
value  on  a  limb  or  a  feature.  How  much  less  tolerable  the 
pride  of  mental  superiority!  But  of  all  things  under  heaven, 
the  most  contemptible  and  the  least  sufierable,  is  that  of  in- 
competency  to  a  trust,  and  aspiring  to  a  place  for  which  the 
candidate  is  not  qualified;*or,  even  if  qualified,  against  modesty 
and  the  claims  of  others.  It  brings  a  man  to  be  the  subject  of 
a  laugh  and  ridicule.  Do  you  know  that  the  making  you  a 
judge  was  but  a  farce,  in  the  manner  that  Sancho  Panza  was 
advanced  to  a  government?  You  have  read  the  Don  Quixotte 
of  Cervantes,  I  presume.  But  what  do  I  say;  you  read  Don 
Quixotte  1  you  have  read  nothing;  and  yet  you  would  be  a 
judge!  Ambition,  I  tell  you,  is  an  evil.  Ycu  have  read  of 
Julius  Csesir,  in  the  Roman  history,  Again  I  forgot  myself. 
You  have  read  nothing.  But  I  may  tell  you  of  him.  What 
was  the  purple  to  him,  compared  with  losing  the  affections  of 
his  countrymen?  Though,  by  the  bye,  there  is  some  reason 
to  think  it  was  neck  or  nothing  with  him,  and  that  self  pres 
ervation  made  it  necessary  to  usurp  the  empire,  things  having 
come  to  that  state  at  Rome,  that  if  he  did  not  usurp,  anoth 
er  would.  A  good  republican,  and  a  virtuos  man,  would 
rather  fall  than  save  his  life  at  the  expense  of  the  rights  of 
others.  But  it  slips  my  memory  that  I  am  talking  to  a  bog- 
trotter!  There  is  no  making  a  silk  purse  cut  of  a  sow's  ear. 
Suppose  YOU  were  made  judge,  in  this  hurly-burly  of  the  pub- 

6* 


«S  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

lie  mind,  would  your  standing  be  secure,  even  with  the  most 
perfect  competency  for  the  place !    You  would  not  stand  two 
throws  of  a  weaver's  shuttle.     Your  chair,  under  you,  would 
bo  like  an  old  piece  of  furniture  bought^at  vendue,  put  together 
for  sale;  the  glueing  gone  and  the  joints  broken.     It  would 
fall  before  it  felt  half  your  weight,  and  leave  you  with  your 
ni'.ddle  extremity  upon  the  floor.     New  judges  to-day,  and  the 
public  mind  would  have  desired  new  judges  to-morrow.    Con- 
aider  the  physical  consequence  of  being  broken  from  the  bench. 
Take  my  word,  it  is  not  a  common  breaking  this;  it  will  affect 
your  frame  at  every  change  of  the  weather.     It  will  make  an 
alinanae  of  your  whole  system.     It  will  make  your  joints  ache. 
It  will  be  worse  than  a  sprain  in  the  ancle;  or  a  rheumatism 
in  the  limbs;  or  sciatica  in  the  small  of  the  back.     It  will  give 
you  cholic  every  new  moon,  and  take  away  your  sleep  at  mid 
night.     It  will  give  you  the  jaundice,  and  hurt  your  comolex- 
ion.    Your  eyes  will   become  yellow,  and  your  cheeks  green. 
You  will  lose  your  appetite,  and  not  be  able  to  eat,  even  when 
you  3an  get  it.     Vvrhy  man,  it  will  blister  your  feet,  and  bieak 
your  shins.     It  will  bring  you  to  death's  door,  before  you  have 
livc-d  half  your  days. 

Be  de  holy  poker,  said  Teague,  I'll  be  no  judge.  I'd  sooner 
dig  turf  in  de  bog.  I  taught  de  judge  had  noting  to  do,  but 
eit  on  a  binch  till  he  was  tired,  and  den  get  up  again,  wid 
plinty  of  money  in  his  pocket,  aitin  and  drinkin  what  he  plased. 
Fait,  if  dat's  de  way,  de  divil  may  be  judge  for  me. 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

Containing  some  wise  saws  and  sayings. 

To  speak  seriously  upon  he  subject,  I  doubt  much  whether, 
in  the  present  commerceial  state  of  society,  and  where  prop 
erty  is  not  held  in  common,  people  would  be  safe  and  prosper- 
013,  without  law  altogether.  I  do  not  know  whether  even 
lawyers  are  not  a  necessary  _evil.  Perhaps  pome  kinds  of 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  79 

officers,  such  as  j  .dges,  sheriffs  and  others,  are  necessary  to 
to  enforce  the  laws.  But  it  must  be  admitted,  that  lawyers 
take  up  too  much  time  in  their  pleadings,  and  cite  more  au 
thorities  than  are  sufficient.  The  young  read  to  show  that  they 
have  read,  and  the  old  that  they  have  not  forgotten.  It  strikes 
me,  thttt  as  all  the  citizens  cannot  employ  sufficient  time  to 
read  and  study  so  many  laws,  where  the  wants  and  various 
interests  of  civilized  society  require  them,  there  must  be  a  set 
of  men  who  can  devote  their  whole  time  to  the  acquisition. 
But  the  reading  so  many  authorities,  often  to  prove  what  every 
person  of  common  SOESO  will  not  think  of  denying,  is  not 
showing  proper  respect  to  the  understanding  of  those  to  whom 
they  are  read.  A  little  original  thought  and  reason  of  the 
lawyer  himself  might  answer  just  as  well.  The  reason  of  a 
man's  own  raising,  may  be  as  good  as  that  which  is  bought 
in  market. 

What  is  it  to  us, 

Though  it  were  said  by  Trismegistus? 

Not  that  I  mean  to  undervalue,  much  less  to  lay  aside  alto 
gether,  the  assistance  of  b3rrowed  reason,  and  the  auxiliary 
deductions  of  other  men,  whether  on  this  side  of  the  water,  or 
beyond  it.  There  is,  however,  such  a  thing  as  being  enslaved 
to  authorities,  or,  at  least,  loading  the  argument  with  too 
much  incumbrance  of  quotations.  It  depends  a  good  deal  upon 
the  countenance  given  by  the  court  to  such  lumber  dra\vn 
from  the  books;  yet  the  correcting  requires  an  infinity  of  care, 
lesfe  you  lose  the  adyactage  of  resurring  to  first  principles. 
Antiquos  redudere  fontes,  is  an  advice  not  to  be  disregarded. 
Tha  profound  divine  reads  the  commentaries,  and  thence 
assists  the  comments  he  makes  himself.  The  avoiding  one 
error  may  lead  to  a  worse.  Advice  should  not,  on  any  subject, 
be  laid  down  too  broadly,  too  positively,  and  admitting  no 
exception  or  modification. 

Fuga  culpee, 

In  vitium  ducit. 

In  tearing  up  the  dainel,  the  wheat  may  come  with  it.    The 
books  must  be  read; 

Nocturua  manu,  versate  tliurrm. 


80  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

But  in  the  argument,  I  value  more  the  judgment  of  selection, 
than  the  labor  of  collecting.  It  is  a  flattering  thing  to  a  court, 
to  take  it  for  granted,  that  they  understand  first  principles;  and 
even  a  jury  are  not  displeased  when  you  s?em  to  suppose,  in 
summing  up  the  evidence,  and  the  remarjks  upon  it,  th-.t  they 
themselves  can  see  a  thing  that  is  as  plain  as  a  pike-staff. 
Hence  long  speaking,  and  an  over-minute  investigation,  is 
sometimes  odious.  Or  to  attempt  to  make  one  believe  what 
cannot  be  believed,  makes  a  man  sick,  provided  he  is  not  dis 
posed  to  laugh.  This  depends  a  good  deal  on  the  natural 
playfulness  of  his  mind,  or  the  mood  in  which  he  is,  from  the 
want  of  food  or  sleep.  I  excuse  the  people  showing  a  dissat 
isfaction  to  the  trial  by  jur?,  under  the  pleading  of  advocates, 
when  the  harrangues  in  an  evening,  are  like  to  prove  eternal. 
When  the  stream  of  the  orator  turns  upon  itself,  visits  the 
ground  that  it  had  left,  and  is  unwilling  to  quit  the  enchanted 
borders  of  the  argument. 

Yet,  I  think,  all  things  considered,  that  there  is  some  use  in 
courts  of  justice;  and  that  it  would  not  consort  with  ancient 
habits,  to  lay  them  aside  all  at  ence.  Liberty  has  been  accusj 
tamed  to  them.  I  do  not  find  that  she  has  ever  done  without 
them.  Wherever  she  comes,  she  seems  to  call  for  them. 

There  is  a  strange  coincidence  between  liberty  and  an  estab 
lished  jurisprudence.  Whether  it  be  matter  of  accident,  or  a 
connection  in  the  natural  existence,  may  deserve  investigation. 
To  give  the  devil  his  due,  there  is  a  good  deal  of  pains  taken 
in  the  courts  to  secure  a  fair  trial,  in  empanneling  the  jurors, 
and  the  adtnissibility  of  evidence,  whether  oral  or  written.  As 
to  the  protecting  the  suitors  from  each  other,  and  what  is 
called  the  consequential  contempt,  it  is  a  matter  too  delicate  to 
touch  upon,  and  we  shall  pass  it  by.  But  it  seems  to  me,  the 
peace  is  better  kept,  than  if  there  were  no  courts  at  all,  and 
protection,  given  to  the  parties,  relative  to  the  matter  in  ques 
tion  even  out  of  doors.  However,  this  I  leave  to  the  considera 
tion  of  the  pruient. 

Some  are  of  opinion,  that  it  would  be  better  to  argue  all 
matters  of  mourn,  tuum,  in  the  public  papers,  or  in  hand-bills 
posted  upon  tree?,  The  principal  objection  I  see  to  .this  is, 


MODERN    CIIITALRY.  81 

that  the  suitors  waxing  warm  in  the  controversy,  would  call 
one  another  names  and  come  to  blows.  A  great  deal  of  ill 
blood  between  neighbors  might  show  itself.  How  could  you 
keep  lawyers  from  writing  in  the  gazettes,  any  more  than  from 
speaking  at  the  bar?  And  h^-re,  their  jargon  reduced  to  a 
paper,  would  spread' widrr,  and  have  more  permanence  than 
floating  on  the  atmosphere  with  which  their  breath  had  mixed 
it  in  the  first  instasce.  The  theories  of  ingenious  men  are  not 
to  be  discouraged;  yet  it  is  not  to  be  taken  for  granted,  that 
every  theory  that  is  plausible,  is  practicable,  and  will  be  found 
to  answer  the  expectations  of  the  most  deliberate  projector. 

The  independence  of  judges  and  permanency  in  office,  is  a 
favorite  theme  with  the  judiciary  themselves.  And  doubtless 
there  is  some  reason  on  their  side.  For  the  Scripture  says 
"the  fear  of  man  bringeth  a  snare;"  and  the  man  that  has  the 
most  influence  in  elections,  is  likely  to  be  most  feared  by  an 
elective  officer.  It  would  not  be  a  state  conducive  to  justice,  that 
in  giving  judgment,  the  judge  should  be  under  the  temptation 
to  be  looking  about,  and  turning  in  his  mind  the  probability  of 
being  turned  out,  in  consequence  of  the  judgment  he  was  then 
to  give — whether  John  O'Nokes  or  John  O'Stiles  were  to  be  the 
next  members  of  the  legislative  body. 

But  if  you  confer  independence  any  more  than  in  a  minis. 
Aerial  officer,  the  judge  becomes  overbearing.  Power  corrupts. 
It  is  natural  to  count  too  much  upon  a  man's  standing.  Ev 
ery  one  overrates  his  own  importance,  much  more  his  own 
services.  Self-love  and  self-consequence  swells,  and  produces 
cedematous  effects.  The  man  that  has  given  his  vote  at  an 
election,  or  written  a  paper,  will  conceive  that  he  has  turned 
the  election;  that  day- light  springs  because  he  has  crowed. 
He  will  denounce  the  man  that  differs  from  him,  as  swerving 
from  the  faith;  the  orthodoxy  of  the  creed;  making  no  allow, 
ance  for  the  different  organization  of  the  brain,  and  the  con 
ception  of  things.  How  much  more  intolerant  is  a  man  like 
to  be,  that  conceives  himself  fixed  in  a  seat  for  an  interminable 
period? 

There  is  such  a  thing  as  tyranny  in  judges;  and  I  am  no 
enemy  to  the  inyestigation  of  official  conduct.  N  But  let  th« 


82  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

power  paramount,  the  people,  take  care  that  they  exercise  not 
tyranny  themselves,  or  give  way  to  passion,  which  even  in 
a  body  politic  is  possible.  Let  the  sovereign,  like  that  of  all 
the  earth,  do  justice,  and  consider  that  the  possession  of  power 
is  upheld  by  justice.  The  experiment  of  a  dependent  judici 
ary  may  be  tried,  for  it  has  already  been  attempted.  Our  whole 
government  is  one  of  experiment:  in  many  things  it  has  suc 
ceeded,  in  others  it  may  fail. 

But  as  to  the  notion  of  some,  that  lawyers,  and  judges, 
might  be  laid  aside  altogether;  I  doubt  as  already  hinted,  the 
good  policy  of  this.  At  least  the  experiment  may  be  prema 
ture.  Republican  principles  have  purified  the  world  a  good 
deal ;  but  I  do  not  know  that  it  is  just  come  to  this,  that  men 
are  universally  virtuous.  Sonic  vestiges  of  that  iron-age  yet 
remain.  The  old  man  of  sin  enters  yet  a  little  into  our  deal, 
ings  with  each  other.  I  admit  that  public  offices  are  pretty 
well  purged;  but  there  are  unfair  transactions  yet  spoken  of 
among  the  multitude.  It  may  be  too  soon  yet  to  abolish  all 
law,  and  jurisprudence,  relying  altogether  upon  the  spontane 
ous  sense  of  justice  among  all  sorts  of  men,  without  law,  or 
authority  to  enforce  the  law,  unless  that  wild  kind  of  justice, 
called  Lynch  law.  I  admit  that  courts  of  law  are  a  check  up 
on  the  freedom  of  the  press,  and  I  excuse  publishers  of  ga 
zettes,  in  their  zeal  to  have  them  overthrown,  or  at  least  reduced 
to  fear  and  subordination.  Because  it  is  drawing  all  things  to 
their  own  examination.  But  are  they  sure  that  they  are  good 
republicans  in  this  ?  Or,  indeed,  that  they  consult  their  own 
security  in  the  event  of  this  license.  For  prostrate  the  courts, 
and  the  cudgel  prostrates  themselves.  While  they  are  pushing 
at  a  judge,  they  are  preparing  the  way  for  some  robust  man  in 
due  time,  to  push  at  them.  With  different  weapons  it  is  true. 
For  the  weapons  of  the  press  are  spiritual,  or  of  the  mind;  but 
that  of  the  bludgeon  is  corporeal,  and  made  of  wood,  or  some 
other  material  of  a  solid  substance.  It  is  not  the  interest  of  a 
printer  that  a  judge  be  rendered  timid,  by  persecution;  for  he 
stands  between  the  cudgelist,  or  pugelist,  in  the  controversy 
with  the  man  of  types.  Thus  the  freedom  of  the  press,  is  sup 
ported  by  the  laws,  and  by  the  duo  enforcement  of  them.  Yet 


MODERN    CH1VALKY. 

it  is  natural  for  a  man  at  first  view,  to  think,  that  if  there  were 
no  courts,  he  could  write  with  less  restraint.  He  could  make 
every  man  tributary  to  his  opinions,  or  to  his  measures;  for  if 
he  did  not  libel,  he  could  threaten  to  libel,  and  compel  a  sub 
mission,  or  levy  blackmail. 

It  seems  to  me  that  a  poor  man  is  safer  in  a  country  of  laws, 
than  in  one  without  laws.  "For  wealth  maketh  many  friends;" 
and  I  do  not  hear  any  complaints  that  the  rich  are  favoured 
in  the  courts.  But  that  may  be  owing  to  the  mode  of  trial, 
which  is  in  the  face  of  the  world,  and  where  lawyers  are  Buf 
fered  to  make  as  free  with  the  character  and  conduct  of  a  rich 
rogue  in  a  cause,  as  with  one  of  a  more  circumscribed  estate. 
This  last  is  one  argument  I  have  just  hit  upon,  in  favour  of 
lawyers;  and  I  find  myself  well  disposed  to  give  them  a  lift, 
when  I  can  with  propriety.  For  though  I  would  be  willing  to 
muzzle  them  a  little  in  their  speeches;  yet  I  do  not  wish  to  see 
them  run  down  altogether. 

Fortitude  is  a  requisite  qualification  in  a  judge.     It  requires 
resolution  to  preserve  order  at  the  bar ;  overawe  petulance ;  ar 
rest  impertinence  in  manners,  or  in  argument,  suppress  side 
bar  conversation;  and  render  the  practice  tolerable  to  practi 
tioners  of  mild  and  modest  demeanor;  of  delicate  and  gentle 
dispositions;  of  scrupulous  honour,  and  liberality  in  the  conduct 
of  a  suit,  or  management  in  courts.     Resolution  is  necessary  to 
decision  unequivocal  and  satisfactory,  unawed  by  forensic  opin 
ion  or  the  influence  of  individuals.    It  is  dangerous  there/ore 
to  sap  this  spirit  of  independence,  by  the  precarious  tenure  of 
the  office,  while  at  the  same  time  the  right  of  the  citizen  is 
examined,  and  the  power  of  the  court  considered  in  its  latitude 
and  operation.     All  I  mean  to  say  is,  that  the  examination  of 
the  judicial  conduct  is  a  high  trust,  in  the  view  of  an  enlight 
ened  public,  and  answerable  to  the  present  time,  and  to  pos 
terity,  for  the  consequences.     When  the  people  madly  destroy 
confidence  in  the  judiciary,  they  destroy  all  security  for  their 
own  rights.     And  if  persons  and  property  are  then  not  secure, 
what  matters  it  whether  the  government  be  a  monarchy,  oli 
garchy,  or  a  democracy?     I  am  a  democrat,  because  experi 
ence    satisfies  me  that  this  form  under  the  restraint  of  laws 


84  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

and  constitutions,  is  best  adapted  to  the  ends  of  government, 
among  a  virtuous  and  enlightened  people,  although  the  poet 
sings : 

Nunquam  libertas  gratior  extat,  quam 
Sub  rege  pio. 

Yet  it  would  be  as  hopeless  to  expect  such  a  king,  or  succes 
sion  of  kings,  as  to  expect  that  angels  will  descend  from  hea 
ven  to  undertake  the  management  of  human  concerns.  While^ 
therefore,  I  am  of  opinion  that  judges  should  be  held  account 
able,  they  ought  to  be  placed  in  a  situation  to  be  out  of  the 
reach  of  demagogues,  and  the  shifting  winds  of  popular  prej 
udice. 

What  is  the  reason  of  the  fluctuations  of  parties  in  republics? 

The  reasons  are  many.  But  one  is  the  unskilful  driving  of 
the  state  carriage,  by  those  who  get  possession  of  the  curricle. 
Phaston,  you  know,  though  he  had  the  best  advice  from  his 
father, 

In  uaedio  tutissimus  ibis; 

the  middle  way  is  the  best;  yet  before  the  middle  of  the  day 
he  had  set  the  earth  on  fire.  The  people  are  always  honest, 
but  oftentimes  the  instrument  of  their  own  servitude;  by  dis. 
trust  where  they  ought  to  have  confidence,  and  confidence 
where  they  ought  to  have  distrust.  The  bulk  cannot  have  per 
fect  information  :  and  that  reach  of  thought  which  observation, 
and  experience  gives.  They  must  trust  a  good  deal  to  others 
in  the  science  of  government,  and  the  expediency  of  public 
measures ;  and  it  depends  upon  those  whom  they  do  trust 
whether  the  power  of  the  party  is  long  lived,  or  short.  All  de 
pends  upon  the  wisdom  and  integrity  of  those  that  lead.  What 
ruined  the  federal  administration,  but  the  intemperance  of  dri 
ving?  The  upright  disapproved,  and  the  prudent  forsook  it. 
The  unskilful  pilots  were  not  aware  of  an  under  current  that 
had  begun  to  set.  Extremes  will  always  beget  the  same  effect; 
and  like  the  tension  of  a  cord,  produce  a  return  in  a  contrary 
direction.  Judgment,  how  far  to  go,  and  where  to  stop,  is  the 
great  secret.  Trained  shaft  horses,  that  will  back  down  tho 
inclined  plane  of  a  hill,  are  excellent  in  a  team.  Younglings, 
though  nettlesome,  and  generous,  are  apt  to  draw  too  fast,  up- 
°n  a  declivity,  or  even  on  a  plain- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  85 

For  that  reason,  I  cannot  say  that  I  am  favorable  to  a  change 
of  representatives  every  year,  even  when  that  which  has  been 
done,  does  not  altogether  please  me.  Because  experience  is  a 
great  ripener  of  the  mind;  it  gives  knowledge.  A  man  after  somo 
time  begins  to  understand  the  game,  and  to  find  out  who  it  is 
that  takes  a  lead  with  a  view  to  some  object  of  his  own.  That 
may  be  unfathomable  in  the  early  breaking  of  the  business, 
and  yet  come  out  at  last.  Or  a  man  may  come  to  see  his  own 
error,  and  profit  by  the  recollection. 

But  how  will  an  honest  man  in  a  deliberative  body,  know  what 
to  trust  but  his  own  judgment?     Nothing.   Then  let  him  think 
humbly,  diligently,  extensively,  distrusting  preconceived  opin 
ions,  and  laying  his  mind  open  to  the  light  of  truth.     Yet  there 
may  be  some  rules  to  guide  the  judgment.     Such  as  trusting 
the  judgment  of  others  who  have  had  experience  in  the  science, 
or  establishment,  relative  to  which  the  question  is  agitated,  or 
the  measure  proposed.     Every  one  ie"  to  be  trusted  in  that  thing, 
of  which  he  has  some  knowledge.     Let  him  take  a  newspaper, 
and  read  it  judiciously,  but  not  with  implicit  faith;  let  him 
fancy  himself  a  juror,  bound  to  be  on  both  sides,  and  give  his 
verdict  as  according  to  the  truth.     He  may  thus  form  a  better 
judgment  of  the  men  and  measures  of  the  day.     Public,  or  ra^ 
ther  popular  opinion,  is  subject  to  sudden  changes  and  flaws, 
like  the  atmosphere.     Markets  bad,  wages  low,  employment 
not  to  be  had,  and  these  make  hard  times;  the  cry  then  is,  let's 
have  a  change  of  some  kind,  to  make  them  better.     This  is  en 
couraged  by  the  demagogue.  The  illiterate,  the  needy,  and  the 
vicious,  if  they  acted  separately  from  the  rest,  would  be  tho 
majority;  but  fortunately  the  minority,  the  intelligent,  those 
possessing  property,   have  still  a  controling  influence  over  the 
others.     The  most  certain  way  of  exercising  that  influence,  ia 
by  the  diffusion  of  knowledge.     There  is  no  safety  but  in  tho 
schools,  and  in  the  encouragement  of  education.     Ignorance  is 
the  canker  wcrm  of  our  free  republic.     It  is  therefore  true,  that 
men  of  letters,  are  its  best  friends;  among  these  will  be  found 
those  who  love  liberty  and  truth,  for  their  own  sake,  and  de 
rive  pleasure  from  the  prosperity  of  their  country,  just  as  th« 
over  of  nature  receives  delight  from  the  disinterested  contem- 
T 


8$  MODERN   CHIVALRT. 

plation  of  its  beauties.  But  the  people  are  always  right!  guy 
the  demagogues.  This  is  true  only  so  far  that  the  majority 
generally  mean  right. 

That  man  is  to  be  trusted  who  is  free  from  the  imputation  of 
inordinate  selfishness  in  private  life.  You  will  find  an  artist 
that  is  fonder  of  the  art  than  the  emoluments.  There  are  men 
that  connect  the  public  good  with  their  own  happiness;  gen 
erous  spirits'  who  manifest  this  by  their  disinterestedness  in 
ordinary  transactions.  This  is  a  good  sign,  and  ought  to  in 
spire  confidence  in  their  agency,  in  public  matters.  The  man 
that  covets  good  will  more  than  money,  and  the  praise  of  be 
nevolence,  more  than  that  of  private  gain,  has  some  soul  in 
him,  and  other  things  equal,  is  to  be  trusted  before  him  of  a 
contracted  spirit,  and  self  love  in  all  his  actions. 

But  after  all,  things  will  take  their  course;  and  no  party  in 
a  republic  will  retain  power  always,  because  they  will  abuse 
it;  but  the  duration  of  power  in  an  elective  government,  will 
depend  considerably  upon  the  being  able  to  distinguish  be 
tween  vigor  and  moderation. 

There  is  a  natural  alliance  between  constitutional  liberty  and 
letters.  Men  of  letters  are  seldom  men  of  wealth,  and  these 
generally  ally  themselves  with  the  democratic  interest  in  a  com 
monwealth.  These  may  form  a  balance,  with  the  bulk  of  the 
people,  against  power,  springing  from  family  interest  and  large 
estates.  It  is  not  good  policy  in  republicans  to  declare  war 
against  letters,  or  to  seem  to  frown  upon  them,  _for  in  literary 
men  is  their  best  support.  They  are  as  necessary  to  them  as 
light  to  the  steps.  They  are  a  safe  auxiliary:  for  all  they  want 
is  to  have  the  praise  of  giving  information.  The  study  of 
political  law  and  municipal  jurisprudence  qualifies  to  inform; 
hence  at  the  commencement  of  the  revolution,  lawyers  were 
the  first  to  give  the  alarm  and  assert  the  rights  of  the  people. 
Shall  we  forget  the  recent  services  of  the  lawyers,  in  framing 
the  federal  and  state  constitutions?  The  name  of  lawyer 
ought  not  to  be  hunted  down,  because  there  are  persons  un 
worthy  of  the  profession,  with  whom  the  love  of  money  is 
inordinate. 

There  is  ground  for  regret,  that  literary  institutions  are  not 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  87 

favored  ;  that  it  has  become  a  popular  thing  to  call  out  against 
learning,  as  not  necessary  to  make  republicans.  The  knowl 
edge  of  the  rights,  and  capacity  to  prosecute  and  defend  them, 
does  not  spring  from  the  ground,  but  from  education  and 
study.  Our  government  is  a  complicated  machine,  and  cannot 
be  managed  without'skill.  New  questions  of  policy,  new  issues 
constantly  arise,  and  I  fear  the  number  is  too  small  of  those 
who  can  decide  upon  them  with  knowledge,  or,  as  the  French 
say,  avec  connaisance  de  cause.  Common  sense  alone  is  not  suffi 
cient.  One  cannot  even  put  a  watch  together  without  learning 
how  to  do  it.  Common  sense  is  only  something  to  begin  with. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

Various  rumors.  The  author's  excuse  for  taking  his  clown  from 
the  Irish.  Miscellaneous  matters.  Democracy  has  its  strength 
in  strict  integrity. 

THE  rumor  had  prevailed  that  the  judges  had  been  broke. 

Is  it  on  the  wheel?  enquired  a  man  of  books;  for  he  could 
not  think  it  had  been  with  the  bow-string  they  had  been  pun 
ished;  for  that  is  the  mode  of  dealing  with  public  officers  in  the 
dominions  of  the  Grand  Sultan  ;  nor  did  he  think  it  could  have 
been  with  the  knout  or  bastinado ;  as  that  is  usual  only  in 
Russia,  and  makes  a  part  of  the  penal  code,  at  the  discretion 
of  the  Czar. 

Not  upon  the  wheel,  said  a  by-stander;  they  are  not  broke 
in  that  sense  of  the  word.  It  is  but  a  removal  from  office, 
that  is  intended  by  the  word  broke ;  and  not  the  breaking  of 
the  back,  or  the  limbs,  or  any  part  of  the  body. 

Why  break  them  ?  said  the  learned  man,  even  in  that  sense 
of  the  word  ?  that  is,  remove. 

Because  they  give  a  wrong  judgment,  said  the  by-stander. 

There  could  na  be  a  better  reason,  said  a  Scotch  gentleman, 
it  is  contrary  to  the  very  end  o*  their  creation. 

Why  not  reverse  their  judgment  ?  said  the  scholar. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

Because  it  is  better  to  reverse  themselves,  said  the  Scotch 
,gentlemeu,  and  let  them  and  their  judgment  a  go  together. 

At  eaying  this,  a  person  came  in  who  gave  intelligence  that 
the  4th  of  July  being  about  to  be  celebrated,  the  people  had 
made  choice  of  Teague  O'Regan,  the  Captain's  man,  to  deliver 
an  oration,  on  this,  the  anniversary  of  our  independence,  and 
to  draw  up  the  toasts. 

Will  absurdities  never  ceo.se,  said  the  Captain,  in  a  free 
government?  My  bog-trotter  chosen  to  deliver  an  harangue, 
in  commemoration  of  the  men,  and  measures,  of  our  great 
national  contest!  It  is  for  the  celebration  of  the  festival. 
Astonishing! 

Teague,  said  he,  I  could  have  put  up  with  the  great  variety 
of  functions  to  which  you  have  been  proposed;  or  have  pro 
posed  yourself;  even  that  of  a  judge  of  the  courts  of  law;  as 
being  matters  of  a  mere  secular  nature,  and  forensic ;  but  to 
be  the  organ  of  the  celebration  of  a  festival,  which  has  become 
in  a  manner  sacred,  by  the  cause  to  which  it  is  consecrated, 
is  beyond  all  endurance  ;  and  as  to  the  drawing  up  of  toasts, 
or  sentiments  for  the  day,  you  are  incompetent.  You  maybe 
equal  to  the  fabrication  of  a  common-place  allusion  to  the  pre 
vailing  cry,  and  make  it  the  voice  of  the  occasion,  as  for  in 
stance,  to  give  a  slap  at  the  judges,  but  as  to  hitting  off 
thoughts  on  the  principles  of  government;  or  practical  appli 
cation  in  the  measures  of  the  administration,  you  are  unequal 
to  the  task. 

With  regard  to  Teague  himself,  he  had  as  little  thought  of 
delivering  an  oration,  or  drawing  up  toasts,  as  any  one  else 
could  have.  The  apothecary,  who  meant  to  sell  medicines 
on  that  day,  on  a  stage,  had  employed  him  to  act  in  the  capa 
city  of  tumbler;  not  that  he  could  tumble,  but  that  he  could 
not  tumble ;  and  so,  by  preposterous  attempts  at  agility  would 
answer  the  purpose  of  moving  laughter,  and  drawing  the 
attention  of  the  multitude,  who  being  collected  for  that  pur 
pose,  might  be  drawn  into  another,  purchase  of  worm  powders, 
lozenges,  and  the  usual  drugs. 

The  celebration  of  our  national  anniversary,  will  no  doubt 
. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  89 

be  continued  while  the  union  of  these  states  exists.  It  may  be 
continued  by  the  parts  probably  after  a  dis-union;  an  event 
certain,  and  inevitable ;  but  which,  the  wise  and  the  good  de 
light  to  contemplate  as  remote ;  and  not  likely  to  happen  for 
innumerable  ages.  The  orations  delivered  en  this  day,  may 
graatly  contribute  to  postpone  the  evert  of  a  dis-union,  by 
patriotic  and  conciliatory  sentiments.  For  this  reason,  the 
b3st  abilities,  and  the  most  virtuous  hearts  ought  to  be  chosen 
to  be  the  orators  of  the  occasion. 

But  the  toasts,  or  sentiments  given  on  the  convivial  libations; 
not  in  honor  of  imaginary  deities,  as  amongst  the  Greeks  and 
Romans;  but  in  honor  of  deceased  heroes,  who  have  passed 
from  a  scene  where  they  were  mixed  with  us,  to  that  scene, 
where  we  shall  bo  mixed  with  them;  these  expressions  of  the 
public  mind,  ought  to  be  the  peculiar  care  of  the  aged  and  the 
wise.  They  ought  to  be  lectures  of  wisdom.  Taking  up 
the  matter  in  this  point  of  view,  what  delicacy  ought  to  be 
attached  to  the  expressioa  of  sentiment !  Let  it  be  considered 
that  on  a  single  thought  may  depend  the  essence  of  liberty ; 
health  or  poison  may  be  communicated  by  a  word.  For  the 
toasts  of  this  day  are  consilered  as  indications  of  the  public 
will,  and  yet  without  a  due  sense  of  the  solemn  obligations  of 
honour  and  honesty,  toasts  are  brought  forward,  perhaps  by 
an  individual,  in  accommodation  to  a  local  prejudice,  and 
merely  to  accomplish  the  purpose  of  an  election  to  a  public 
body.  For  the  fact  is  that  t  >asts  are  not  always  the  real  ex 
pressions  of  the  sentiments  of  even  a  majority  of  those  who 
suffer  them  to  pass ;  they  are  introduced  by  the  mistake  of 
those,  who  substitute  the  sentiments  of  the  uninformed,  for 
that  of  the  whole  community.  But  all  that  is  illiberal,  ©n 
these  occasions  ought  to  be  avoided ;  all  inhumanity,  and  in 
justice;  all  anticipation  of  judgment,  on  cages  depending;  all 
expressions  calculated  to  inflame  the  decision.  For  a  popular 
clamor  once  raised  is  difficult  to  be  resisted. 

Democracy  has  its  strength  in  strict  integrity;  in  perfect 
delicacy;  in  elevation  and  dignity  of  mind.  It  is  an  unjust 
imputation,  that  it  is  rude  in  manners,  and  coarse  in  expres 
sion.  This  is  the  characteristic  of  slaves,  in  a  despotism;  not 


90  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

of  democrats  in  a  republic.  Democracy  embraces  the  idea  of 
a  standing  on  virtue  alone;  unaided  by  wealth,  or  the  power 
of  family.  This  makes  "the  noble  of  nature/'  of  whom  Thom 
as  Paine  speaks.  Shall  this  noble  not  know  his  nobility,  and 
be  behind  the  noble  of  aristocracy,  who  piques  himself  upon 
his  honor,  and  feels  a  stain  upon  his  delicacy  as  he  would  a 
bodily  wound?  The  democrat  is  the  true  chevalier,  who, 
though  he  wears  no  crosses,  or  the  emblazoned  arms  of  her 
aldry,  yet  is  ready  to  do  right  and  justice  to  every  one.  All 
others  are  impostors,  and  do  not  belong  to  the  order  of  de. 
mocracy.  Many  of  these  there  are,  no  doubt,  false  brethren, 
but  shall  the  democrat  complain  of  usurpation;  of  undue  influ 
ence;  or  oppression  and  tyranny  from  ambitious  persons;  and 
not  be  jealuus,  at  the  same  time,  of  democratic  tyranny  in 
himself,  which  is  the  more  pernicious,  as  it  brings  a  slur  upon 
the  purest  principles  ? 

It  has  been  asked,  why  have  I  taken  my  clown  from  -the 
Irish  nation  ?  The  character  of  the  English  clown  I  did  not 
well  understand;  nor  could  1  imitate  the  manner  of  speaking. 
That  of  the  Scotch  I  have  tried,  as  may  be  seen  in  the  charac 
ter  of  Duncan.  But  I  found  it,  in  my  hands,  rather  insipid. 
The  character  of  the  Irish  clown,  to  use  the  language  of  Rous 
seau,  "has  more  stuff  in  it."  Ho  will  attempt  anything.  I 
find,  however,  that  it  has  greatly  displeased  some  of  my  friends 
of  that  nation,  which  I  deeply  regret;  for  there  is  no  people 
whom  I  more  admire  for  the  many  noble  qualities  which  they 
possess. 

The  American  has,  in  fact,  yet  no  character;  neither  the 
clown  nor  the  gentleman;  so  that  I  could  not  take  one  from 
our  country,  which  I  would  much  rather  have  done,  as  the 
scene  lay  here.  But  the  midland  states  of  America,  and  the 
western  part  in  general,  being  half  Ireland,  the  character  of 
the  Irish  clown  will  not  be  wholly  misunderstood.  It  Is  true 
the  clown  is  taken  from  the  aboriginal  Irish,  a  character  not 
so  well  known  in  the  north  of  that  country;  nevertheless,  it  is 
still  so  much  known,  even  there,  and  amongst  the  emigrants 
here,  or  their  descendants,  that  it  will  not  be  wholly  thrown 
away. 


MODEKX    ClllVALRr.  9l 

On  the  Irish  stages,  it  is  a  standing  character;  and  on  the 
theatre  in  Britain,  it  is  also  introduced.  I  have  not  been  able 
to  do  it  justice,  being  but  half  an  Irishman  myself,  and  not  so 
well  acquainted  with  the  reversions  and  idiom  of  the  genuine 
Thady,  as  I  could  wish.  However,  the  imitation,  at  a  distance 
from  the  original,  will  better  pass  than  if  it  had  been  written 
and  read  nearer  home.  Foreigners  will  not  so  readily  distin 
guish  the  incongruities,  or,  as  it  is  the  best  we  can  produce  for 
the  present,  will  more  indulgently  consider  them. 

I  think  it  the  duty  of  every  man  who  possesses  a  faculty,  and 
perhaps  a  facility  of  drawing  such  images  as  will  amuse  his 
neighbor,  to  lend  a  hand  and  do  something.  Have  those 
authors  done  nothing  for  the  world,  whose  works  would  seem 
to  have  no  other  object  than  to  amuse?  In  low  health;  after 
the  fatigue  of  great  mental  exertion  on  solid  disquisition;  in 
pain  of  mind  from  disappointed  passions;  or  broken  with  the 
sensibilities  of  sympathy  and  affection;  it  is  a  relief  to  try  not 
to  think,  and  this  is  attainable,  in  some  degree,  by  light  reading. 
Under  sensations  of  this  kind,  I  have  had  recourse  more  than 
orico  to  Don  Quixotte;  which  doubtless  contains  a  great  deal  of 
moral  sentiment;  but,  at  the  same  time,  has  much  that  can 
serve  only  to  amuse.  Even  in  health,  and  with  a  flow  of  spirits, 
from  prosperous  affairs,  it  diversifies  enjoyments,  and  adds  to 
the  happiness  of  which  the  mind  is  capable.  I  trust,  therefore, 
that  the  gravest  persons  will  not  be  of  opinion  that  I  ought  to 
be  put  out  of  the  church,  for  any  appearance  of  levity  which 
this  work  may  seem  to  carry  with  it, 

I  know  there  have  been  instances  amongst  the  puritans,  of 
clergymen  degraded  for  singing  a  Scotch  pastoral.  But  music 
is  a  carnal  thing  compared  with  putting  thoughts  upon  paper. 
It  requires  an  opening  of  ths  mouth  and  a  rolling  of  the  tongue, 
whereas  thought  is  wholly  spiritual,  and  depends  not  on  tho 
modification  of  the  corporeal  organs.  Music,  however,  even 
by  tiie  strictest  sects,  is  admissible  in  sacred  harmony,  which 
is  an  acknowledgment,  that  even  sound  has  its  uses  to  sootho 
the  mind,  or  to  fit  it  for  contemplation. 

I  would  ask,  which  is  the  most  entertaining  work,  Smollet's 
History  of  England,  or  his  Humphrey  Clinker?  For  as  to  the 


V2  liOUERN 

utility,  so  far  as  that  depends  upon  truth,  they  are  both  alike. 
-  History  has  beeu  well  said  to  be  the  romance  of  the  human 
wind,  and  Romance,  the  history  of  the  heart.  When  the  son 
of  Robert  Walpole  asked  his  father  whether  he  should  read  to 
him  out  of  a  book  of  history,  he  said,  "  he  was  not  fond  of 
Romance."  This  minister  had  been  long  engaged  in  affairs, 
and  from  -what  he  had  seen  of  accounts  of  things  within  his 
own  knowledge,  he  had  little  confidence  in  the  relation  of  thioga 
which  he  had  not  seen.  Except  memoirs  of  person's  own  times, 
biographical  sketches  by  cotemporary  writers,  Voyages  and 
Travels,  that  have  geographical  exactness,  there  is  little  of  the 
historical  kind,  in  point  of  truth,  before  Roderick  Random,  or 
Oil  Bias. 

The  Eastern  nations  convey  moral  instructions  almost 
entirely  by  parables  or  tales.  Nor  is  the  story  with  them  the 
less  amusing  because  it  is  not  true.  Nor  is  the  moral  less 
impressive,  because  the  actors  never  had  existence.  Nor  can 
it  be  said  to  be  false,  when  it  paints  characters  that  are  found 
among  men,  and  represents  life  and  manners  with  truth  and 
fidelity. 

Comparing  great  things  with  small,  we  have  written  this  book 
in  the  manner  of  certain  ancients;  that  is,  with  a  dramatic 
cast.  The  book  of  Job  is  among  the  earliest  of  all  compositions; 
and  after  an  introduction,  containing  an  account  of  his  misfor 
tunes  and  malady,  introducss  the  speakers  in  three  different 
characters  and  names,  each  sustaining  his  opinion;  and  giving 
the  author  an  opportunity  to  canvass  the  subject  he  had  in 
view,  the  ways  of  Providence,  and  to  give  lessons  of  humility 
and  resignation  to  man. 

The  Socratio  schools  have  distinguished  themselves,  and 
amongst  these,  chiefly  Plato,  in  hia  Dialogues,  and  Zenophon, 
in  his  Symposium  or  Banquet. 

It  has  been  followed  by  the  Romans;  of  whom  Cicero,  in  his 
book  treating  of  the  qualifications  of  an  orator,  or,  as  we  com 
monly  style  it,  de  oratore,  is  the  happiest  instance.  And  Sir 
Thomas  Moore  introduces  his  Utopia  in  this  manner. 

The  vehicle  which  I  have  chosen  of  supposed  travels,  and 
conversations,  affords  great  scope  and  much  freedom,  and 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  93 

furnishes  an  opportunity  to  enliven  with  incident.  Doubtless, 
it  is  of  the  same  nature  with  many  things  in  the  novel  way» 
written  by  philosophic  men,  who  chose  that  form  of  writing, 
for  the  purpose  of  merely  conveying  sentiments,  which  in  a 
didactic  work,  under  the  head  of  tract  or  dissertation,  could 
not  easily  gain  attention,  or  procure  readers. 

But  the  characters  which  we  have  introduced,  are  many  of 
them  low.  That  gives  the  greater  relief  to  the  mind. 

The  eye  withdraws  itself  to  rest 

Upon  the  green  of  fol]y:s  breast. 

Shakspeare  has  his  Bardolph,  JNym  and  Pistol,  and  the 
dialogue  of  these  is  a  relief  to  the  drama  of  the  principal  per 
sonages.  It  is  so  in  nature;  arid  why  should  it  not  be  so  repre* 
sented  in  the  images  of  her  works  ?  We  have  the  sage  and 
the  fool  interspersed  in  society,  and  the  fool  gives  occasion  to 
the  wise  man  to  make  reflections.  It  is  this  which  forms  one 
of  the  charms  of  Shakspeare. 


CHAPTE  R   XVIII. 

An  epistle  from  a  reading  tailor  to  the  author,  with  the  author's 
reply 

THIS  work,  y'clept  Modern  Chivalry,  having  fallen  into  the 
hands  of  a  maker-up  of  vestments  for  the  human  body,  in  the 
Latin  language  denominated  sartor,  vestuarius,  sarcinator — for 
it  would  seem  they  had  tailors  among  the  Romans ,  one  of 
these,  I  eay,  had  come  across  this  book,  and  reading  a  little  of 
it  occasionally  on  his  shop-board,  seems  to  have  felt  some  irri 
tation  at  the  obscurity  of  certain  terms  not  well  understood, 
being  in  the  Latin  or  Greek  language,  or  derived  from  thence ; 
so  that  not  being  able  to  get  at  the  root,  he  could  not  compre 
hend  the  stem  of  the  tree,  nor  enjoy  the  adumbration  of  the 
branches  and  foliage.  I  had  received  from  him  the  following 
letter,  in  which  he  cites  scripture  against  me;  so  that  I  could 
not  well  avoid  answering  him,  having  made  the  matter  so  seri- 


94  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

ous.  I  do  not  give  the  date  of  his  letter  to  me,  nor  of  mine  to 
him,  as  not  being  material  to  the  predicaments  of  the  ubi  or 
the  quando,  that  is  the  when  or  the  where  of  Aristotle;  nor  is 
it  material  that  I  give  the  name  or  the  sir-name,  or,  as  the 
Romans  would  have  said,  the  nomen,  pronomen,  or  cognomen 
of  the  artist  in  this  case.  It  is  sufficient  that  I  give  his  ideas, 
as  they  came  from  under  his  goose,  hot  from  the  press,  as  they 
might  be  said  to  be.  After  some  introductory  compliments, 
which  I  omit,  he  comes  to  the  point,  cr,  in  other  words,  takes 
up  his  parable,  and  says — 

'•When  your  book  came  my  way,  I  read  all  of  it  that  I  could 
understand,  and  gave  it  to  my  apprentices  to  read,  and  I  hope 
it  has  been  useful  to  them;  but  no  doubt  it  would  have  been 
more  so,  had  it  been  all  written  in  the  English  tongue.     But, 
unfortunately,  some  of  it  is  written  in  a  kind  of  foreign  lingo, 
which  neither  they  nor  I  have  any  knowledge  of,  having  only 
learnt  English  or  American.     But  I  do  not  mean  to  include  in 
what  I  do  not  understand,  that  which  is  put  into  the  mouth  of 
Teague,  as  Irish  brogue;  nor  anything  that  Duncan  is  made  to 
say,  or  actually  did  say;  for  the  dialect  of  Duncan,  which  is 
called  Braid-Scots,  or  what  is  the  same  thing,  Scots-Irish,  was 
my  mother  tongue.     That  I  might  not  be  mistaken,  I  asked 
our  schoolmaster  what  language  he   took  it  to  be  that  forms 
the  lining  or  wadding   of  your  book.     He   told  me  that  it 
was  Latin,  a  language  spoken  some  ten  or  fifteen  hundred  years 
ago,  by  a  race  of  Pagans,  who  inhabited  a  part  of  Italy,  and 
was  still  used  by  the  priests  of  the  Romish  Church,  in  the 
performance  of  some  of  the  more  solemn  parts  of  their  worship, 
but  was  not  the  vernacular  tongue  of  any  people  on  earth  at 
this    day, — except  in  an   interior  country  of  Europe,   called 
Hungary,   where  it  was  said  to  be   spoken  by  the   hostlers, 
— nor    was  it  likely  that  it  ever  would;  though   there   were 
words  borrowed  from  it  in  many  of  the  European  languages 
which,  however,   were  now  perfectly   naturalized.      I  asked 
him  if  he  could  conjecture  what  could  move  you   to   write 
Latin;  or  at  least  make  Latin  quotations  to  a  people  very  few 
of  whom  understood  anything  but  English,  and  Dutch,  and 
gome  Irish?    He  told  me  that  he  had  long  considered  it  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  95 

infallible  criterion  of  a  learned  man,  to  understand  Greek  and 
Latin  ;  that  it  was  very  common  with  writers  to  throw  in  sen 
tences,  here  and  there  in  their  productions,  in  order  to  let  their 
readers  know  that  they  were  learned,   or,  at  least  to  make 
them  think  so.     I  presume  the  school-master  was  correct.     But 
surely  there  was  no  necessity  to  break  the  thread  of  your  dis 
course   for   this   vain  purpose.     I    anticipate   your  repeating 
those  obsolete  antiquated  arguments,  that  have  been  so  often 
urged   and  so  often  refuted,  to  induce  people  to  waste  the  pre 
cious  season  of  youth  in  learning  languages,  which  never  can 
be   of  anj   avail  to  them  until  the  resurrection;  and  not  then, 
unless  they  should  be  placed  in  a  colony  of  ancient  Romans  or 
Greeks.     Nor  am   I  certain  that  the  Latin  and  Greek  which 
are   now  learned  out  of  the  few  remaining  books  written   in 
ancient  times,  would  be  understood  by  the  mass  of  the  people 
who  then  lived  in  those  countries.     This  I  know,  that  if  we 
could  talk  no  other  kind  of  English  than  that  used  by  our  poets 
and  prose  writers,  we  could  not  transact  much  of  the  business 
of  common  life.     A  shop-keeper,  for  instance,  could  not  do  the 
business  of  one  day  in  his  shop;  nor  could  we  find  words  suffi 
cient  to  buy  and  sell  a  horse.     But,  you  will  say,  we  must  know 
the  roots  of  words.     What  signifies  whence  the  root  came  from 
or  where  it  lies,  if  we  know  the  meaning  of  the  word?     To 
understand  the  English,  must  a  person  learn  all  the  languages 
from  which  it  is  derived?     If  it  be  so,  he  must  spend  a  life  in 
learning  languages;  and  indeed  a  long  life   would  not  suffice. 
But  the  thing  is  absurd.     We   know  that  those  who   never 
learned  Greek  or  Latin,  understand  the  meaning  of  the  words, 
sermon,  oration,  audience,  amorous,  subpoena,  scire  facias,  and 
an  endless  variety  of  other  words,  as  well  as  the  best  Latin  or 
Greek  critics.     They  understand  nothing  about  their  roots,  but 
they  understand  the  ideas  they  are  used  to  convey,  just  as  well 
as  those  who  have  dug  for  four  or  five  years  to  reach  the  root. 
If  half  the  time  of  young  people  was  employed  in  acquiring  a 
knowledge  of  the  English  tongue,  that  is  wasted  in  teaching 
them   dead  languages,   they  would   be    much  better  English 
scholars.     Solomon  says,   "a  living  dog  is  better  than  a  dead 
lion."    But  I  have  have  no  objection  that  those  who  can  afford 


96  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

it  may  learn  as  many  languages  as  they  please;  provided  that 
men  of  sense  would  not  indulge  the  vanity  of  mixing  their 
writings  with  unknown  phrases.  This  induces  people  to  buy 
their  books;  to  whose  great  disappointment  and  mortification, 
when  they  peruse  them,  they  find  the  sense  every  now  and 
then  broken  and  interrupted,  by  foreign  jargon,  without  any 
explanation  or  interpretation,  which  would  be  quite  as  well 
were  it  left  blank.  Now,  there  is  no  justification  or  apology 
for  the  trick;  for  those  who  understand  English  and  Latin, 
would  understand  it  quite  as  well  were  it  all  English.  But 
thousands  who  could  understand  it  were  it  English,  cannot 
make  sense  of  the  Latin;  and  often  without  understanding  the 
Latin,  the  sense  of  a  good  deal  that  goes  before,  and  follows 
after,  is  lost.  If  a  man  will  write  Latin,  let  him  write  his 
whole  book  in  Latin,  and  in  that  case  mere  English  scholars 
will  not  be  imposed  on.  Nothing  in  the  world  frets  or  vexes 
me  more  than  to  be  stopped  in  a  subject  in  which  I  feel  myself 
deeply  engaged,  by  a  gap  filled  up  with  the  rubbish  of  an 
unknown  tongue.  Permit  me  to  call  your  attention  to  the  14th 
chapter  of  Paul's  first  epistle  to  the  Corinthians.  St.  Paul 
understood  as  many  languages,  both  by  inspiration  and  educa 
tion,  as  all  the  lawyers,  doctors  and  divines  in  America;  yet 
he  had  not  the  vanity  of  making  a  display  of  his  learning 
where  it  could  answer  no  good  purpose,  and  severely  censures 
those  who  did  so.  He  seems  to  have  been  fully  sensible  of  his 
great  gifts  and  acquirements  in  this  matter;  yet  he  despised 
exercising  those  gifts  merely  to  show  his  skill,  and  to  puzzle 
those  whom  he  addressed.  I  am  inclined  to  think,  that  those 
tongues  that  Paul  understood  so  well,  were  living  tongues,  not 
languages  which  were  dead  and  buried  some  thousand  years 
before  his  time.  It  is  probable  he  understood  the  Hebrew, 
and  whether  or  not  this  was  the  language  spoken  by  the  Jews, 
in  Paul's  time,  I  am  not  antiquarian  enough  to  know;  but 
rather  think,  from  their  being  so  long  mixed  with  other  nations, 
it  was  not  the  ancient  Hebrew.  If  so,  I  am  persuaded  he 
would  not  bother  them  with  it,  either  in  his  speeches  or  wri 
tings.  If  I  were  in  the  habit  of  betting,  I  would  venture 
eomething  that  his  epistle  to  the  Hebrews  is  neither  written  in 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  97 

the  ancient  Hebrew  tongue,  nor  is  it  crammed  everywhere  with 
quotations  from  this  tongue.  St.  Paul  was  an  humble,  modest 
man,  and  neither  vain  of  his  attainments  nor  of  his  gifts;  I 
mean  those  which  he  had  by  inspiration  or  by  education." 

So  far  this  respectable  artizan,  to  whom,  as  civility  demand 
ed,  I  drew  up  and  directed  an  answer;  and  having  given  that 
from  him  to  me  a  place  here,  it  will  be  but  justice  to  myself, 
to  insert  that  to  him  from  me,  in  this  book  also.  It  was  as 
follows : 

"In  that  very  epistle  which  you  cite,  we  have  the  authority 
of  St.  Paul  in  favor  of  acquiring  languages.  In  verse  5  of 
chapter  14,  he  says,  'I  would  that  ye  all  spake  with  tongues.* 
In  our  day,  when  inspiration  has  ceased,  it  is  only  by  human 
means  that  a  knowledge  of  tongues  can  be  acquired;  never 
theless  the  advantages  must  remain  the  same;  and  the  Apostle 
must  be  considered  as  still  disposed  to  say,  '  I  would  that  ye  all 
spake  with  tongues.'  To  say  the  least  of  it,  it  can  do  no  harm, 
even  now,  to  be  able  to  converse  in  more  languages  than  one, 
though  there  may  not  be  the  same  necessity  as  at  an  early 
Period,  where  the  gospel  was  to  be  preached  to  every  creature. 
Whether  the  time  is  wholly  thrown  away,  that  is  spent  at  the 
academies,  in  acquiring  a  knowledge  of  what  are  called  the 
dead  languages,  so  as  to  be  able  to  understand  the  books  that 
are  written  in  those  tongues,  is  a  dispute  into  which  I  shall  not 
enter;  because  the  chief  thing  that  I  am  anxious  to  defend 
myself  against,  is  the  impropriety  of  introducing  the  knowl 
edge  that  one  has  of  these  in  an  improper  place;  that  is,  to 
those  who  do  not  understand  them;  which  may  be  considered, 
supposing  the  acquisition  valuable,  as  '  throwing  pearls  before 
swine.'  As  to  the  imposing  upon  a  purchaser,  it  is  out  of  the 
question,  since  a  bookseller  will  permit  one  to  look  at  the  book 
before  he  purchases.  And  if  he  sees  anything  in  Latin  or 
Greek,  he  can  refuse  to  purchase.  He  is  under  no  necessity  of 
purchasing  a  pig  in  a  poke,  in  this  case;  and  as  to  fretting  and 
vexing  a  reader,  it  must  be  referred  to  his  own  evil  passions  to 
be  so  disquieted  when  he  has  purchased  with  his  eyes  open. 
You  seem  to  speak  in  this  case,  or  at  least  to  write,  as  if  all 
books  were  to  be  made  for  you,  and  to  your  particular  taste; 


98  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

not  considering  that  there  are  some  who  value  a  work  the  more 
for  having  a  sprinkling  of  Greek  and  Latin,  or  other  language, 
dead  or  living.  When  you  make  a  coat  for  your  customers,  do 
you  not  find  some  who  will  choose  a  cape  of  velvet  to  a  cloth 
coat;  and,  perhaps,  the  cape  of  a  different  color  from  the  coat? 
If  you  were  to  make  up  coats  not  bespoke,  would  you  not  look 
to  the  possible  taste  of  what  might  be  thought  fashionable, 
adjust  your  own  taste  to  that  of  the  public's,  and  put,  perhaps, 
buttons  on  the  haunches  where  there  is  no  use  for  them;  and 
not  even  holes  alongside,  to  accomplish  the  fashioning  of  part 
to  part?  For  you  could  not  be  sure  that  those  alone  of  th° 
Friends  or  Quakers'  Society  would  be  your  customers.  The 
costume  of  military  men  is  blue  and  buff,  or  red  and  white 
facings,  in  some  instances,  and  it  will  behoove  you  to  accomo- 
date  to  '_this,  though  your  own  choice  would  be  a  coat  of  one 
color  throughout.  We  find  from  the  scripture,  that  "  Israel 
made  his  son  Joseph  a  coat  of  many  colors."  This,  doubtless, 
because  according  to  his  notion  of  things,  it  was  the  more 
splendid.  Whether  it  was  woven  with  stripes  of  many  colors, 
or  of  mixed  dyes  in  the  warp  and  woof,  like  the  plaid  of  the 
Caledonians,  the  text  does  not  say.  It  might  be  made  up  of 
small  pieces  of  different  colors,  put  together  as  thrifty  house 
wives  make  what  is  called  patch-work.  I  have  seen  what  is 
called  a  rag  carpet,  made  up  by  industrious  women;  and  varie 
gated  from  the  materials  of  which  it  was  composed.  Hogarth 
in  his  analysis  of  beauty,  lays  down  variety  to  be  a  principle 
of  this,  as  well  as  utility.  To  reduce,  therefore,  everything  to 
what  is  absolutely  of  one  appearance,  would  interfere  with  the 
embellishments  of  dress,  and,  in  many  other  cases,  with  what 
pleases  the  eye.  Why  does  nature  give  us  red,  purple,  and  all 
the  colors  of  the  raindbow,  in  trees,  plants  and  flowers,  but 
because  these  please  the  sense  of  man?  But  the  eye,  you  will 
say,  can  comprehend  these;  but  the  unlettered  mind  cannot 
comprehend  Latin,  and  much  less  Greek,  or  Hebrew,  or  Sa 
maritan.  But  is  there  not  a  sublimity  in  the  obscure  ?  At 
least  the  great  Burke,  in  his  treatise  on  sublimity,  so  lays  it 
down.  In  the  natural  world,  there  is  something  in  darkness 
which  impresses  the  mind  with  awe.  A  lowering  cloud  brings 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  99 

an  impression  of  dignity  and  grandeur.  In  the  natural  world, 
is  there  not  more  in  mystery  than  in  what  is  self-evident? 
Why,  otherwise,  do  we  value  preachers  in  the  pulpit,  in  pro 
portion  to  their  dwelling  on  what  is  unintelligible?  Mere 
morality,  and  nothing  more,  says  the  hearer;  I  want  something 
*hat  I  cannot  understand.  What  sort  of  doctrine  is  that  which 
is  little  more  than  human  knowledge;  and  being  so,  cannot  be 
orthodox?  Give  me  the  divine,  says  one,  that  will  speak 
through  his  nose,  whack  the  pulpit,  and  make  the  whole  house 
ring:  who  will  shut  his  eyes,  open  his  mouth,  and  stamp  with 
his  foot,  and  tell  the  agel  Gabriel  to  wait  a  bit,  till  he  can  take 
the  news  to  heaven  of  one  converted  sinner.  It  is  of  no  mo 
ment  whether  I  understand  his  words  or  not;  or  rather,  I 
would  not  wish  to  understand  him,  for  if  I  did,  I  would  take 
it  for  granted  that  it  was  not  so  deep  as  it  ought  to  be. 

This  book  is  written  for  individuals  of  all  attainments,  and 
of  all  degrees  of  intellects.  What  hinders  me,  therefore,  to 
season  the  word  with  what  may  please  the  Latin  or  Greek 
scholar  ?  I  refer  you  to  your  own  Paul,  who  says  in  the  same 
epistle,  chapter  9th,  verse  22d,  "To  the  weak  I  became  as 
weak,  that  I  might  gain  the  weak."  Now,  supposing  me  to 
consider  this  pie-balding  of  a  work,  by  the  interspersion  of 
different  languages,  to  be  but  little  more  than  pedantry,  and  to 
savor  of  an  affectation  of  learning ;  yet,  may  I  not  be  looking 
at  some  great] examples  over  the  water,  or  perhaps  on  this  side, 
who  have  seasoned  their  compositions  with  the  same  salt  and 
pepper,  which  to  the  natural  taste  might  not  perhaps  be  so 
well  suited.  You  appear  to  be  a  religious  man,  by  your  quo 
ting  St.  Paul,  and  no  doubt  have  read  some,  £or  perhaps 
most  of  the  religious  books  that  have  been  published  in  Eng 
land  and  Scotland,  subsequent  to  the  era  of  the  reformation, 
or  about  that  time;  and  will  you  not  find  these  abundantly 
replete  with  quotations  from  the  Greek  and  Latin  fathers  ? 
And  it  cannot  be  supposed  that  tradesmen  of  that  day  were 
better  acquainted  with  what  you  call  the  dead  languages  than 
what  you  allege  yourself  to  be.  And  I  doubt  whether  in  a 
new  edition  of  these  writings,  you  would  suffer  the  sentiments, 
though  in  an  unintelligible  tongue,  to  be  struck  out  of  those 


100  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

books;  and  yet  you  complain  because  in  this  unsanctified  work 
I  make  a  little  free,  or  cabbage  a  sentence,  now  and  then,  from 
a  Pagan  poet  or  prose  writer,  because  fraught  with  good  sense 
and  sound  morality.  Why  not  translate  these  quotations?  you 
will  say.  Because  I  am  afraid  of  insulting  learned  men,  who 
would  resent  it  as  being  thought  necessary  to  them.  What  1 
they  would  say,  did  this  blockhead  take  it  for  granted,  that 
they  were  all  pedlars  and  bog-trotters  in  this  country,  and  did 
not  understand  the  Greek  or  Latin  tongue?  If  that  be  the 
case,  let  it  be  left  to  Snip,  or  Crispin,  or  Traddle  to  read  it. 
As  for  us,  we  have  no  need  of  a  translation  of  sentences  that 
are  in  every  one's  mouth,  that  can  protend  to  be  scholars." 

Such  was  my  answer  to  this  worthy  person;  but  what  could 
be  expected  from  an  unlettered  man  writing  to  me,  but  miscon 
ception  of  the  advantages  to  be  derived  from  classical  learning, 
and  a  repugnance  to  all  that  did  not  natter  the  vanity  of  such 
readers,  but  must  put  them  in  mind  of  the  deficiency  of  their 
education?  With  such,  what  can  we  expect  but  levelling  sen 
timents  inchurch  and  state?!  It  is  the  nature  of  man,  that  if  he 
cannot  raise  himself  to  the  attainments  of  the  learned,  he  will 
be  disposed  to  bring  down  academic  studies  to  his  own  opportu 
nities.  There  have  been  even  men  of  academic  education,  in 
our  day,  that  to  escape  the  imputation  of  pedantry,  will  avoid 
even  at  the  bar,  the  uttering  of  a  Latin  maxim,  though  they 
may  have  these  derived  from  the  Civil  Law,  at  their  fingers' 
ends.  Not  so  Mansfield,  or  Kenyon,  or  M'Donald,  or  Ellen- 
borough;  at  least,  not  so  Coke,  or  Bacon,  Campden,  or  other 
great  masters  of  the  law.  Profound  research  is  not  consistent 
with  such  squeamishness  of  shunning  quotations  in  the  learned 
languages,  but  a  richness  of  quotation  of  pithy  sentences  in 
the  Latin  tongue,  is  some  evidence  of  reading  such  reports  as 
those  of  Dyer,  Plowden  and  Hobart.* 

*  The  author  wished  to  reach  the  mass  of  the  people,  and  disperse 
sound  maxims  and  principles,  moral  and  political,  not  merely  among 
the  more  reflecting  and  serious  portion,  but  among  the  unlettered 
and  unthinking;  by  presenting  them  a  book,  professedly  to  amuse, 
concealing  the  design  to  instruct,  which  might  disgust.  He  had  in 
view  the  honest  mechanics,  yeomanry,  and  laborers.  We  see  in  the 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


We  cannot  entertain  a  doubt,  consistent  with  revelation,  but 
that,  at  the  first  propagation  of  the  gospel,  the  gift  of  tongues 
was  communicated  to  simple  men  by  inspiration;  but,  in  what 
proportion  we  do  not  find.  For,  that  there  was  less  or  more  in 
the  communication,  is  evident  from  what  St.  Paul  says;  "I 
thank  my  God,  I  speak  with  tongues  more  than  ye  all."  But 
if  the  speaking  with  tongues  was  considered  a  blessing,  from 
inspiration,  is  the  acquiring  these  by  ordinary  means  to  bo 
undervalued?  A  knowledge  of  languages  can  be  acquired 
only  in  the  academies,  or  by  travelling,  unless  the  individual 
has  had  the  advantages  of  several  cradle  languages,  or  vernac 
ular  tongues  taught  in  his  infancy;  which  was  the  case  with 
Paul,  having  had  the  advantage  of  being  born  of  Hebrew  pa 
rents,  and  of  being  bred  at  Tarsus,  where  the  boys  in  the  street 
spoke  Greek,  Latin,  Syriac,  and  perhaps  many  other  tongues; 
this  being  a  city  alternately  under  the  dominion  of  the  Greeks, 
the  Romans,  the  kings  of  Syria,  and  others.  St.  Paul  had  this 
advantage  of  the  other  Apostles,  setting  aside  what  he  might 
have  had  by  inspiration.  Doubtless,  he  reproves  the  making  a 
parade  of  these  or  any  other  endowments  of  the  body  or  mind, 
Or  the  speaking  to  people  in  a  language  they  understood  not. 
But  what  has  this  to  do  with  making  a  book,  when  it  cannot 
be  told  who  will  take  it  up  to  read?  It  may  be  one  who  can 
understand  nothing  but  the  Latin  part;  and  is  it  not  reasonable 
that  he  should  have  something  for  his  money  ?  the  author  put 
ting  off  his  manufacture,  in  the  meantime,  by  what  some  read 
ers  may  consider  an  ornament  and  not  a  blemish?  It  is  thus 
that  we  set  down  on  a  table  meats  to  suit  all  palates.  * 

case  of  Mr.  Burritt,  that  a  working  blacksmith  may  become  a  learned 
man,  if  he  will  use  his  opportunities,  or  make  them. 

*  The  utility  of  studying  the  Classics,  in  the  Greek  and  Latin,  is  a 
vexed  question.  In  my  opinion,  education  cannot  be  complete  with 
out  it;  yet  I  do  not  fully  agree  with  the  author,  who  was  himself  a 
master  of  them,  that  they  are  absolutely  necessary,  to  the  extent  to 
which  the  study  has  been  carried.  They  are  undoubtedly  of  great 
use,  and  a  great  accomplishment  when  acquired.  On  ihe  one  hand, 
they  may  be  undervalued  by  those  who  are  ignorant  of  them;  on  ths 
other,  overrated  by  those  who  have  devoted  years  to  their 

8* 


SIODKIJX    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

FuriJier  particulars  respecting  tlie  memoirs  of  0' Regan.     Tlie 
St.  Tammany  Society. 

IF  the  memoir  of  O'Regan  had  not  advanced  him  to  a  pro 
fessor's  chair,  it  had,  at  least,  procured  him  admission  to  a 
number  of  learned  societies,  abroad  and  at  home. 

tion.  Two  reasons  may  be  given  why  they  are  of  less  importance 
at  the  present  day:  The  first  is,  the  immense  enlargement  of  tho 
circle  of  science.  The  second,  the  existence  of  classic  writings  in 
modei-n  languages.  There  is  undoubtedly  a  bigotry  of  the  learned 
on  this  subject.  It  might  as  well  be  contended,  that  no  one  can  be 
a  perfect  scholar  who  has  not  taken  his  degree  at  Oxford. 

The  reasons  in  favor  of  studying  the  dead  languages  are — 1st.  Tho 
discipline  of  learning  and  fixing  the  attention  to  a  difficult  and  labori 
ous  mental  operation.  2d.  The  knowledge  of  our  own  language, 
eo  large  a  portion  of  which  is  derived  from  Greek  and  Latin.  3d. 
The  ability  to  see  and  understand  the  numerous  allusions  to  tho 
Clasics,  even  where  there  is  no  quotation.  4th.  A  knowledge  of 
the  pi'inciples  of  language  in  general,  as  a  science;  its  structure  and 
composition,  by  putting  it  together  and  taking  it  apart,  like  some 
piece  of  machinery.  5th.  A  perfect  acquaintance  with  the  best 
models  of  composition,  in  all  its  varietes,  to  which  the  classical  wri 
ters  attained.  These  are  not  all  the  reasons,  but  the  principal. 

I  am  in  favor  of  studying  the  Classics  ,  but  not  of  giving  so  much 
time  to  them  as  is  now  practised.  I  would  confine  the  minute  and 
perfect  knowledge  of  them  to  pi*ofessed  teachers,  who  need  not 
study  anything  else.  To  general  scholars  I  would  give  such  knowl* 
edge  as  may  be  acquired  in  two  or  three  years.  I  would  teach  the 
Greek  and  Latin  Grammars  perfectly,  and  read  some  of  the  minor 
school  books.  After  this  I  would  read  elevated  prose  translations  of 
Virgil,  Homer,  and  Horacr;  and  the  best  translations  of  other  clas 
sics;  so  ag  to  save  time  in  reading  them  afterwads.  The  general  idea 
or  outline,  as  a  whole,  should  be  acquired,  before  going  into  tho 
details.  It  is  a  wretched  logs  of  time,  to  spend  hourt  and  days  in 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  103 

But  notwithstanding  the  most  pressing  invitations,  he  could 
not  be  brought  to  accept  of  an  introduction  to  the  St.  Tamma 
ny  Society,  owing  to  the  aversion  he  still  entertained  of  being 
made  an  Indian  chief,  from  which  he  had  a  narrow  escape. 
For  unfortunately,  it  had  been  explained  to  him,  that  St.  Tam 
many  was  an  Indian  Saint,  and  that  the  society  met  in  a 
wigwam,  and  exchanged  belts.  They  offered  to  make  him  a 
Sachem,  but  all  to  no  purpose;  the  idea  of  scalping  and  torn- 
hocking  hung  still  upon  his  mind.  It  was  by  compulsion,  in 
France,  that  he  took  upon  him  the  character  of  an  Indian,  in 
the  procession  of  Anacharsis  Clootz. 

The  Captain  presented  himself  to  the  society,  explaining 
these  things;  and  that  in  fact,  such  had  been  the  alarm  of  the 
author  of  the  memoir,  at  the  proposition  of  being  made  a 
member,  that  he  had  absconded  a  day  or  two  before.  The 
society  took  his  excuse,  and  made  the  Captain  an  honorary 
member  in  his  place. * 

unravelling  a  sentence,  or  thumbing  dictionaries  for  a  word.  I  am 
therefore  in  favor  of  interlinear  translations,  in  studying  the  origi 
nals,  after  reading  the  free  translations.  Let  this  time  and  expense 
of  labor  be  spent  for  something  of  more  practical  utility.  The 
quicker  an  author's  meaning  can  b&  found,  the  better.  If  repetition 
be  necessary  to  fix  in  the  memory,  let  the  book  be  read  a  second  or 
a  third  time;  and  then  it  will  be  read  with  pleasure.  It  will  thus  be 
remembered  as  well  as  Robinson  Crusoe  or  the  Pilgrim's  Progress. 
Let  the  outline,  the  plan,  the  story,  the  ideas,  be  first  mastered.  I 
read  a  translation  of  Virgil  in  French;  and  after  this,  reading  it  in 
the  Latin,  in  a  class,  I  found  that  I  had  a  great  advantage  over  my 
classmates;  1  procured  ideas,  they  only  words.  If  the  scholar,  after 
this,  shows  dislike,  you  may  rest  assured  that  literature  is  not  hi» 
vocation,  at  least  this  branch  of  it:  although  he  may  have  great 
aptitude  for  the  sciences,  mathematics,  natural  history,  &c.  &c. 

The  utility  of  acquiring  living  languages,  is  a  different  question. 

[EDITOR. 

*The  St.  Tammany  Society,  whatever  may  have  been  its  origin, 
has  degenerated  into  a  political  club,  where  schemes  of  party  poli 
tics  are  discussed  and  matured.  This  Indian  Chief,  Tammany,  was 
well  known  in  the  neighborhood  of  Philadelphia,  having  his  homo 
on  the  PHnwavp,  about  one  hundred  and  fifty  voars  asjo. 


104  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

This  was  no  object  with  the  Captain,  as  he  was  a  candidate 
for  no  office,  and  could  draw  no  advantage  from  a  promiscuous 
association.  Nor  did  he  see  that  he  could  be  of  any  use  to 
mankind  in  this  new  capacity;  as  the  propagation  of  the  gospel 
in  foreign  parts,  or  amongst  the  savages,  made  no  part  of  the 
duty.  For,  though  Tammany  himself  may  have  been  a  Saint 
there  are  few  of  his  disciples  that  can  pretend  to  sanctity* 
superior  to  common  Christians;  or  at  leapt,  their  piety  consists 
more  in  speculation,  than  in  active  charity  and  practice.  We 
hear  of  no  missionaries  from  them  among  the  aborigines  of 
the  continent,  as  we  should  be  led  to  expect  from  being  called 
the  St.  Tammany  society.  For  it  is  to  be  presumed,  that  this 
Saint  had  been  advanced  into  the  calendar  from  the  propaga 
tion  of  the  Christian  faith,  as  was  St.  Patrick,  St.  Andrew,  and 
others.  And  though,  as  to  these  old  societies,  with  that  of  St. 
George,  St.  David,  &c.  the  duty  of  Evangelists  may  be  excused, 
the  countries  to  which  they  belong  being  long  since  christian 
ized;  yet  the  native  Americans  which  St.  Tammany  represents, 
are  whole  nations  of  them  infidels.  The  sons  of  St.  Tammany 
ought  certainly  to  think  a  little  of  their  brothers  that  are  yet 
in  blindness,  and  lend  a  hand  to  bring  them  to  light.  It  is  not 
understood,  that  even  a  talk  has  been  held  with  a  single  nation 
of  our  western  tribes;  though  it  could  have  cost  but  a  few- 
blankets  and  a  keg  of  rum  to  bring  them  together,  and  in 
council  a  little  wampum  and  killikaneequr. 

But  our  modern  churches  have  not  the  zeal  of  the  primitive; 
or  that  zeal  is  directed  to  a  different  object,  the  building  up  the 
faith  at  home,  and  that  civil  affairs  more  than  spiritual  doc 
trines.  It  is  not  the  time  now  to  go  about  in  "  sheep-skins  and 
goat-skins,"  to  convert  the  heathen  to  the  gospel;  but  to  beg  the 
citizens  to  vote  for  this  or  that  candidate.  The  Cincinnati,  being 
a  mere  secular  society,  is  excusable;  but  the  St.  societies  would 
seem,  in  this,  to  depart  from  the  etymology  of  their  denomina 
tion.  I  know  that  some  remark  on  the  word  Cincinnatus;  and 
think  that  it  ought  to  be  pronounced,  as  well  as  spelled,  St. 
Cincinnatus;  and  in  that  case  all  would  be  on  a  footing.  I 
have  no  objection,  provided  that  it  makes  no  schism;  for  even 
the  alteration  of  a  name  might  make  a  schism.  And  a  schism 


MODERN   CHIVALRT.  105 

in  a  society  militant,  such  as  this  is,  might  occasion  a  war  of 
swords,  and  not  of  words  only.  I  will  acknowledge  that  I 
would  like  to  have  the  thing  uniform,  St.  Cincinnatus  with  the 
rest.  So  that,  if  it  could  be  brought  about  without  controversy, 
it  would  contribute  to  the  utility  of  designation.  But  contro 
versy  is,  above  all  things,  to  be  avoided.  And  nothing  is  more 
apt  to  engender  controversy  than  small  matters;  because  small 
matters  are  more  easily  lost  than  great.  Or,  because  it  vexes 
a  man  more,  to  find  his  adversary  boggle  at  a  trifling  matter  o: 
orthodoxy  when  he  has  swallowed  the  great  articles  of  ere j 
dence,  than  to  have  to  pull  him  up,  a  cable's  length,  to  some 
broad  notion, [that  separates  opinion  and  belief.  To  apply  it  to 
the  matter  of  spelling — qid  hceret  in  litera,  hceret  in  cortice;  that 
is,  to  give  it  in  English,  it  may  depend  upon  a  single  letter 
how  to  draw  a  cork.  All  consideration,  therefore,  ought  to  be 
sacrificed  to  good  humor  and  conviviality;  and  I  would  rather 
let  the  heathen  name  remain,  than  Christian  it  at  the  expense 
of  harmony  and  concord.  I  am  opposed  to  all  force,  or  even 
show  of  force,  in  matters  of  opinion,  where  men  may  honestly 
differ.  Let  reason  oppose,  if  wrong,  and  also  ridicule,  although 
I  admit  that  ridicule  is  not  always  a  test  of  truth,  for  a  buffoon 
may  use  this  weapon  as  well  as  the  wise.  But  to  return  from 
this  digression,  to  the  St.  Tammany  Society,  of  which  I  was 
speaking,  and  which  had  some  time  ago  convened. 

It  was  a  new  thing  to  the  Captain,  to  take  a  seat  in  the  wig. 
warn,  and  to  smoke  the  calumet  of  peace.  But  he  was  disap 
pointed  in  his  expectations  of  seeing  Indian  manners  and 
customs  introduced,  and  made  a  part  of  the  ceremony.  There 
was  some  talk  of  brightening  the  chain,  and  burying  the 
hatchet;  but  he  saw  no  war  dance.  What  is  more,  even  the 
young  warriors  were  destitute  of  the  dress.  There  was  not  a 
moccasin  to  be  seen  on  the  foot  of  any  of  them;  not  a  breech- 
clout;  nor  had  they  even  the  natural,  or  rather  native  brands 
and  marks  of  a  true  born  Indian.  No  ear  cut  in  ringlets;  no 
broach  in  the  nose,  or  tatooing  on  the  breast.  All  was  as 
smooth  and  undisfigured  as  the  Anglo-Americans,  that  inhabit 
our  towns  and  villages. 

The  Grand  Sachem  made  a  speech  to  the  Captain,  not  ia 


f 


10G  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

Indian,  but  in  German;  which  answered  the  end  as  well;  for 
he  did  not  understand  it.  But  it  was  interpreted,  and  related 
to  \hQ  proposition  of  making  him  a  Chief,  which  he  declined, 
professing  that  it  was  more  his  wish  to  remain  a  common  Indi 
an,  than  to  be  made  even  a  half-king,*  not  having  in  view  to 
remain  much  in  the  nation,  or  attend  the  council  fires  a  great 
deal.  He  contented  himself  with  putting  some  queries  relative 
to  the  history  of  St.  Tammany;  of  what  nation  was  he?  Did 
he  belong  to  the  North  or  the  South?  The  East,  or  the  West? 
On  what  waters  did  he  make  his  Camp?  How  many  moons 
ago  did  he  live?  Where  did  he  hunt?  Who  converted  him, 
or  whom  did  he  convert?  Why  take  an  Indian  for  the  tutelary 
saint  of  the  whites?  Why  not  Columbus,  or  Cabot?  Where 
did  his  saintship  originate? 

To  these  queries  the  Chiefs  could  give  no  answer;  nor  is  it 
of  much  moment  whether  they  could  or  not.  Some  of  them 
are  not  worth  answering. 


CHAPTER   XX. 

This  chapter  may  'be  passed  over  by  those  who  wish  to  keep  the 
thread  of  the  narrative. 

Among  the  Romans,  there  was  one  of  their  heathen  deities, 
whom  they  called  Appollo,  a  being  of  very  superior  judgment, 
and  good  sense,  who  often  stood  by  people,  and  when  they 
were  about  to  say,  or  do  some  foolish  thing,  he  would  give  them 
a  twitch  of  the  ear,  to  bid  them  stop — 

Aurura  velluit 

I  cannot  say  that  I  felt  such  a  twitch  while  I  was  writing  the 
last  chapter  ;  unless  figuratively ;  meaning  some  little  twitch 
of  the  mind,  recollecting,  and  reflecting,  that  it  might  possibly 
give  offence  to  public  bodies  and  iocieties,  especially  the  St. 
Tammany,  and  Cincinatti;  though  none  was  intended.  But  it 

*  A  half-king  means  double  king,  or  king  of  two  nations,  who  have 
l)im  split  brtworn  tlirm. 


MODERN    CniVALRV.  10" 


is  impossible  to  anticipate  in  all  cases,  the  sensations  of 
others.  —  Things  will  give  offence,  that  were  ment  to  inform 
and  assist:  or  to  please  and  divert.  In  the  case  of  public  bod 
ies  espcsially,  no  man  knows,  what  may  make  an  unfavorable 
impression.  It  is  necessary,  or,  unavoidable  as  it  might  bo 
translated,  "that  offences  come,  Imt  iro  to  Mm  by  wJiom  they  come" 
One  would  think  that  in  a  free  country,  there  might  be  some 
little  more  moderation  with  regard  to  what  is  done  and  said. 
It  is  a  maxim  in  law,  that  words  are  to  be  construed,  "mitior 
sensu  ;'7  or  in  the  milder  sense.  It  is  a  scriptural  definition  of 
charity,  "that  it  is  not  easily  provoked/'  —  Whereas,  on  the 
contrary,  an  uncharitable  disposition  is  ready  to  misconstrue, 
and  convert  to  an  offence.  A  town,  a  society,  a  public  body,  of 
any  kind  might  be  presumed  to  bear  more  than  an  individual, 
because,  the  offence  being  divided  amongst  a  greater  number; 
it  can  be  but  a  little,  that  will  be  at  the  expense  of  ary  one  per 
son.  If  therefore,  any  son  of  St.  Tammany,  or  Sfc.  Cincinnatus, 
should  feel  himself  hurt  by  our  lucubration,  let  him  consider 
that  it  is  better  to  laugh  than  be  angry  ;  and  he  will  save  him 
self,  if  he  begins  to  laugh  first.  Though,  after  all,  some  will 
say,  there  is  nothing  to  laugh  at  ;  and  in  this,  they  will  be  right, 
for  at  the  most,  it  can  only  be  a  smile.  It  is  a  characteristic  of 
the  comedy  of  Terence;  that  he  never  forces  your  laugh  ;  butto 
smile  only.  That  I  take  to  be  the  criterion  of  a  delicate  and  re 
fined  wit;  and  which  was  becoming  the  lepos,  or  humor  of  such 
men,  as  Lelius  and  Scipio,  who  are  thought  to  have  formed  his 
taste,  and  assisted  him  in  his  dramatic  compositions.  Yet  I 
must  confess,  if  I  could  reach  it,  I  would  like  the  broad  laugh, 
but  it  is  difficult  to  effect  this,  and  not  at  the  same  time  fall  into 
buffoonery,  and  low  humor.  Laughing  is  certently  favourable  to 
the  lungs;  and  happy  the  man,  whose  imagination  leads  him  to 
risable  sensations,  rather  than  to  melancholy. 

All  work,  and  no  play,  makes  Jack  a  dull  boy.  But  I  have 
no  idea  of  laughing,  any  more  than  of  playing,  without  having 
performed  the  necessary  task  of  duty,  or  labour.  An  idle  laugh 
ing  fool,  is  contemptible  and  odious;  and  laughing  too  much  is 
an  extreme  which  the  wise  will  avoid.  Take  care  not  to  laugh* 
when  there  is  nothing  to  laugh  at.  lean  always  know  a  man's 


108  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

sense,  by  his  song,  his  story,  or  his  laugh.  I  will  not  say  his 
temper,  or  principles ;  but  certainly  his  share  of  understand 
ing. 

We  have  been  often  asked  for  a  key  to  this  work.  Every 
man  of  sense  has  the  key  in  his  own  pocket. — His  own  feelings* 
his  own  experience  is  the  key.  It  is  astonishing,  with  what 
avidity,  we  look  for  the  application  of  satire  which  is  general, 
and  never  had  a  prototype.  But  the  fact  is,  that,  in  this  work, 
the  picture  is  taken  from  human  nature,  generally,  and  has  no 
individual  in  view.  It  was  never  meant  as  a  satire  upon  men  ; 
but  upon  things.  .An  easy  way,  to  slur  sentiments,  under  the 
guise  of  allegory;  which  could  not  otherwise  make  their  way 
to  the  ears  of  the  curious.  Can  any  man  suppose,  upon  re 
flection,  that  if  ridicule  was  intended  upon  real  persons  it 
would  be  conveyed  in  so  bungling  a  manner  that  people  would 
be  at  a  loss  to  know  who  was  meant?  That  is  not  the  way  we 
fix  our  fools  caps. 

Let  any  man  put  it  to  himself,  and  say,  would  he  wish  to  be 
of  those  that  give  pain  by  personal  allusion,  and  abuse  ?  Self' 
love,  for  a  moment,  may  relish  the  stricture ;  and  could  never 
endure  to  be  thought  the  author.  In  attacking  reputation,  there 
are  two  things  to  be  considered,  the  manner,  and  the  object^ 
When  the  object  is  praise-worthy,  there  is  an  openness,  a  frank 
ness,  and  manliness  of  manner,  which  commands  respect.  But 
even  where  tht  object  is  a  public  good,  the  manner  may  excite 
contempt.  Let  our  editors  cf  news-papers  look  to  this,  those  of 
them  who  wish  to  be  considered  gentlemen ;  such  as  have  no 
character  to  lose,  and  never  wish  to  have  any,  may  take  all 
liberties  and  occupy  their  own  grade. 

But,  as  we  were  saying,  public  bodies  and  societies  of  men 
ought  not  to  take  offence  easily,  nor  resent  violently.  "As 
they  are  strong,  be  merciful."  A  single  person  is  not  on  a 
footing  with  a  great  number.  He  cannot  withstand  the  whole, 
if  they  should  take  offence  without  reason;  and  he  may  be 
conscientiously  scrupulous  about  fighting,  or  be  afraid  to  fight; 
which  will  answer  the  end  just  as  well;  or  he  may  have  the 
good  sense  and  fortitude  to  declare  off;  which,  by  the  bye, 
requires  more  courage  than  the  bulk  cf  men  possess.  It 


MODERN   CniV'ALRr.  109 


requires  a  courage  above  all  false  opinion;  and  the  custom 
never  will  be  put  out  of  countenance,  until  some  brave  men 
set  the  example.  There  is  nothing  that  a  wise  man  need  fear, 
but  dishonor,  founded  on  the  charge  of  a  want  of  virtue;  on 
that  which  all  men,  of  all  places  and  of  all  times  will  acknowl 
edge  to  be  disreputable.  Under  this  head  will  not  be  found  the 
refusal  of  a  challenge.  Nothing  can  be  great,  the  contempt  of 
which  is  great.  Is  it  not  great  to  despise  prejudice  and  false 
opinion?  "He  that  ruleth  his  spirit  is  greater  than  he  that 
taketh  a  city:"  but  he  that  is  above  the  false  sentiments  of 
others,  presents  to  me  the  image  of  a  superior  power,  that 
ascends  through  the  vapors  of  the  atmosphere,  and  dissipates 
the  fog.  The  world  is  indebted  to  the  man  that  refuses  a 
challenge;  but  who  can  owe  anything  to  him  that  accepts  it? 
for  he  sanctions  an  unjust  law  of  public  opinion,  which  it  ia 
the  duty  of  every  good  citizen  to  oppose  by  the  weight  of  his 
influence.  Doubtless,  the  accepting  of  a  challenge  is  pardon 
able  as  a  weakness;  but  still  it  is  a  weakness.  The  man  is  a 
hero  who  can  withstand  unjust  opinion.  It  requires  more 
courage  than  to  fight  duels.  To  sustain  life,  under  certain  cir 
cumstances,  calls  for  more  resolution  than  to  eemmit  suicide. 
Yet  suicide  is  not  reputable.  Brutus  in  the  schools  condemned 
it;  but  at  Philippi,  adopted  it;  because  his  courage  failed  him. 

But  cudgelling  follows  the  refusal  of  a  challenge.  Not  if 
there  is  instant  notice  given  to  a  peace  officer.  But  posting 
follows.  Notice  of  that  may  be  given  also,  and  a  court  and 
jury  brought  to  criticise  upon  the  libel. 

Why  is  it  that  a  public  body  is  more  apt  to  take  offence  than 
an  individual?  Because  every  one  becomes  of  consequence, 
in  proportion  as  he  is  careful  of  the  honor  of  the  whole.  It  is 
oftentimes  a  mere  matter  of  accident,  whether  the  thing  is  well 
or  ill]taken.  If  onejshould  happen  to  call  out,  that  it  is  an  insult, 
another  is  unwilling  to  question  it,  lest  he  should  be  suspested 
of  ineivicism,*and  lose  his  standing  in  society  in  general,  or  in 
that  to  which  he  more  particularly  belongs.  The  misconcep 
tion  of  one  forces  itself  upon  another,  and  misconstruction 
prevails.  That  which  was  the  strongest  proof  of  confidence  in 
the  integrity  and  justice  of  the  body,  is  viewed  as  distrust;  and 


110  UODJB&3    CU1TALRT. 

a  concern  for  their  honor  considered  a  reproach.  The  most 
respectful  language  termed  insolence.  Implicit  submission 
attributed  to  disrespect.  Self-denial  overlooked,  and  wanton 
ness  of  insult  substituted  in  its  place.  This,  all  the  offspring 
of  mistake,  which  it  is  the  duty  of  the  individual  to  remove. 
But  how  can  he  speak,  if  his  head  is  off  before  he  knows  that 
the  offence  is  taken?  Protesting,  therefore,  that  I  mean  no 
offence  to  either  of  these  societies,  or  the  individual  members, 
in  anything  I  have  said,  I  request  them  to  take  it  in  good  part; 
or,  if  there  should  seem  to  be  ground  of  affront,  they  will  give 
me  a  hearing,  and  an  opportunity  to  explain. 

There  is  no  anticipating  absolutely,  and  to  all  extent,  what 
a  person  might  say  for  himself  if  he  was  heard.  That  pre 
sumption  which  existed  might  be  removed.  His  motives  might 
appear  laudable,  or,  at  worst,  originating  in  a  pardonable 
weakness.  If  therefore  anything  in  these  chapters  should  un 
fortunately  give  umbrage  to  the  sons  of  St.  Tammany,  or  to 
the  Cincinnati  members,  I  pray  a  citation,  and  demand  a 
tearing.  I  trust  I  shall  be  able  to  convince  them  that  I  am 
not  deficient  in  respect  for  them  individually,  or  as  public 
bodies. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

Ilie  meditations  of  the  Captain  on  the  subject  of  government. — 
The  demagogue  and  the  patriot — the  one  flatters  and  the  other 
finds  fault. 

The  Captain  taking  a  solitary  walk  in  a  neighboring  grove, 
fell  into  a  revery  on  the  nature  of  government.  And  we  shall 
here  use  the  privilege  of  authors,  who  are  not  only  cognizant 
of  the  actions  but  also  of  the  thoughts  of  their  heroes.  A 
union  of  mind  and  corporeal  force,  thought  he.  It  makes  all 
the  difference  that  we  see  between  the  savage  and  civilized 
life.  The  plough,  the  pully,  the  anchor,  and  the  potter's 
•wheel,  are  the  offspring  of  government;  the  loom,  the  anvil, 
and  the  press.  For  without  the  protection  of  government  of 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


Ill 


some  kind,  these  would  never  be  invented,  at  least,  perfected. 
Much  of  man's  natural,  or  rather  wild  liberty,  must  be  givea 
up,  when  he  becomes  a  member  of  society.  There  must  be 
a  power  somewhere  to  protect,  and  consequently  to  restrain. 
But  how  difficult  to  link  man  with  man;  how  difficult  to  pre 
serve  a  free  government!  The  easiest  thing  in  the  world,  says 
the  clown,  if  the  sage  will  only  let  it  alone.  It  is  the  philoso 
pher  that  ruins  all. 

There  is  some  foundation  for  this.  A  mere  philosopher  is 
but  a  fool  in  matters  of  business.  Even  in  speculation,  he 
sometimes  imagines  nonsense.  Sir  Thomas  More's  Utopia  has 
become  a  model  for  no  government.  Locke's  project  was  tried 
in  South  Carolina;  it  was  found  wanting.  Imagination  and 
experiment  are  distinct  things;  there  is  such  a  thing  as  prac 
tical  sense.  Do  we  not  see  instances  of  this  every  day?  Men 
who  can  talk  freely,  but  do  nothing.  They  fail  in  everything 
they  attempt.  There  is  too  much  vision  mixed  with  the  fact. 
Want  of  information  of  what  has  been;  the  not  examining  the 
fitness  and  congruity  of  things,  leads  to  this.  You  see  a 
mechanic  framing  a  machine.  A  chip  less  or  more,  spoils 
the  joint. 

Where  is  the  best  account  to  be  found  of  the  Roman  com 
monwealth?  In  Polybius.  In  what  did  its  excellence  consist? 
In  its  checks  and  balances.  What  invented  these?  The  exig 
encies  of  the  case.  Some  were  adopted  in  the  first  instance; 
others  as  remedies  to  the  mischiefs  that  occurred.  Were  the 
sages  of  any  use  here?  A  little.  Sallust  says,  "considering 
the  history  of  the  Roman  people,  that  the  Gauls  were  before 
them  in  bravery,  and  the  Greeks  in  eloquence:  yet  Rome 
has  become  the  mistress  of  the  world;  I  have  found  that  it  has 
been  owing  to  a  few  great  mon  that  happened  to  rise  in  it." 
Were  these  men  demagogues  ?  tNot  in  a  bad  sense  of  the  word. 
They  did  not  deceive  the  people  for  their  own  ends.  How  do 
demagogues  deceive  people?  How  do  you  catch  a  nag?  You 
hold  a  bridle  in  your  left  hand,  behind  your  back,  and  a  hat 
in  your  right,  as  if  there  were  something  in  it,  and  cry  cope  t 
What  do  demagogues  want  by  deceiving  the  people?  To  ride 
them.  What  do  they  pretend  they  have  IB  the  hat?  Oats» 
salt,  anything  they  fiad  a  horse  likes. 


112  MODERN    CHIVALRY1. 

How  do  you  distinguish  the  demagogue  from  the  patriot 2 
The  demagogue  flatters  the  clown,  and  finds  fault  with  the 
sage.  The  patriot  and  the  sage,  unless  you  mean  the  vain 
philosopher,  mean  the  same  thing.  The  Jewish  prophets  were 
all  of  them  sages.  They  were  seers,  or  men  that  saw  far  into 
things.  You  •will  find  they  were  no  slouches  at  blaming  the 
people.  "My  people,  Israel,  is  destroyed  for  lack  of  knowl 
edge."  "I  am  wounded  in  the  house  of  my  friends."  This 
may  be  said  of  liberty,  when  republicans  give  it  a  stab.  The 
Lamentations  of  Jeremiah  are  but  the  weepings  of  a  patriot 
over  the  errors  of  the  people.  Yet  the  people  are  always  right, 
say  the  demagogues.  I  doubt  that.  Tom  fool  may  laugh  at 
the  expression,  "save  the  people  from  themselves;"  neverthe 
less,  there  is  something  in  it.  It  is  a  scripture  phrase,  "  go 
not  with  a  multitude  to  do  evil ;  "  which  would  seem  to  imply 
that  the  multitude  will  sometimes  do  wrong. 

Do  the  multitude  invent  arts;    or  some  individuals  among 
them?     It  is  sometimes   a  matter    of  accident;  sometimes  a 
matter  of  genius.     But  it  is  but  one  out  of  a  thousand  that 
happens  to  hit  upon  it,  or  that  has  the  invention  to  contrive. 
But  government  is  an  easy  matter,  and  has  no  wheels  like  a 
watch.     What  is  it  that  enables  one  man  to  see  farther  into 
things  than  another,  in  matters  of  government  ?    What  is  it 
that  makes  him  a  seer?     Thinking,  looking,  examining.     Does 
it  come  by  inspiration?     More  by  experience.     What  are  the 
wheels  in  our  government  that  are  like  to  go  first?    The  judici 
ary,  the  senate,  the  executive;  in  short,  the  checks  and  balan 
ces  of  the  constitution.     The  most  numerous  branch  of  the 
legislature,  will  then  represent  the  mob,  as  objects  are  seen, 
on  a  diminished  scale,  in  the  camera  obs3ura.     Where  power 
is  in  the  hands  of  an  aristocratic  senate,  like  that  of  Venice, 
it  will  soon  fall  into  the  hands  of  the  few.     That  of  Venice 
was  at  first  elective,  then  permanent,  then  power  was  confined 
to  a  committee  of  ten,  then  of  three  persons,  unknown  and 
irresponsible.     In   all   cases  there  is  an  ultimate  tendency  of 
power  to  steal  away  from  the  many  to  the  few;  it  is  to  guard 
against  this  that  all  our  checks  and  balances  are  necessary. 
Is  the  order  indicated,  that  in  which  they  will  go?     Precisely. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  113 

Does  any  man  moan  it?  Not  at  all.  How  can  it  then  happen? 
In  the  natural  progress  of  things. 

But  we  have  the  press  here.  Suppose  a  leading  print  in  the 
hands  of  a  patriot.  He  will  keep  all  right.  Yes,  provided  he 
is  a  sage  at  the  same  time.  That  is,  that  his  information  on 
the  nature  of  government  is  equal  to  his  patriotism;  or  that 
his  passion  does  not  betray  him  into  error.  The  Journal  of 
L'Ami  du  peuple,  by  Marat,  was  patriotic;  but  it  ruined  the 
republic.  An  uninformed,  inflammatory  print  is  a  corruptress 
of  public  opinion.  It  is  the  torch  that  sets  Troy  on  fire. 
There  is  no  Marat  amongst  us,  at  the  head  of  a  Journal;  but 
there  may  come  to  be.  It  is  a  difficult  thing  to  trim  the  state 
vessel.  The  altering  the  stowage  will  put  it  out  of  trim. 
The  Hancock  was  taken  by  altering  the  stowage.  It  de 
stroyed  the  trim.  Yet  trimmers  are  unfavorably  spoken  of. 
That  is,  I  presume,  halting  between  two  opinions.  "Why  halt 
ye  between  two  opinions? "  But  preservers  of  the  balance  are 
not  trimmers  in  this  sense  of  the  word. 

How  is  4t  that  the  public  can  do  wrong  when  they  mean 
well?  It  is  from  want  of  knowledge;  it  is  from  the  prevalence 
of  an  uninformed  spirit.  Passion  prevails,  intemperance,  party 
spirit,  which  follows  blindly. 


CHAPTER   XXII. 

TJie  annual  Fair. —  Continued  in  a  series  of  chapters. 

THIS  was  the  day  of  the  Fair,  held  once  a  year  in  the  village. 
The  people  had  come  in  and  erected  booths.  The  Captain 
went  forth  to  look  about  him  and  make  observations.  What 
are  these?  said  the  Captain,  stopping  at  the  first  stall  he  came 
to,  where  a  number  of  empty  boxes  were  exhibited. 

Cases  for  lawyers,  said  the  Chapman. 

What  will  lawyers  do  with  these?  said  the  Captain. 

Put  them  on  their  hips,  said  the  Chapman. 

That  will  make  them  look  like  soldiers,  with  cartouch  boxes. 


114  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

No  matter  for  that,  said  the  Chapman.  A  lawyer  can  no 
more  move  without  cases,  than  a  snail  without  a  shell. 

They  have  too  many  sometimes,  said  the  Captain,  as  I  have 
heard  the  blind  liwyer  say;  but  your  cases,  or  cartouch  boxes, 
I  presume,  are  meant  as  a  burlesque. 

Not  altogether  so,  said  the  Chapman,  but  a  little  bordering 
on  it.  These  boxes  might  answer  the  purposes  of  carrying 
cases  to  the  court;  but  an  honest  man  might  put  them  to  a 
better  use.  So  I  say  no  more,  but  sell  my  wares  to  the  cus 
tomer. 

At  the  next  stall  was  Tom  the  Tinker,  with  old  kettles 
mended,  and  new  ones  for  sale. 

Ay,  Tom,  said  the  Captain,  this  is  better  than  resisting  the 
laws,  *  even  the  Excise  law. 

I  have  found  out  a  better  way  than  resisting  laws  now,  said 
the  Tinker. 

What  is  that?  said  the  Captain. 

Abolish  the  courts,  and  demolish  the  judges,  and  the  laws 
will  go  of  themselves. 

Ah !  Tom,  said  the  Captain,  leave  the  public  functionaries 
to  the  public  bodies;  you  have  nothing  to  do  with  them. 

But  I  should  have  something  to  do  with  them,  said  the  Tin 
ker,  if  I  had  a  voice  in  a  public  body. 

But  you  have  not  a  voice,  said  the  Captain. 

But  1  may  have,  said  the  Tinker. 

I  would  rather  hear  your  voice  in  your  shop,  said  the  Cap 
tain;  and  the  sound  of  your  hammer  on  a  coffee  pot  or  a  tea 
kettle.  You  can  patch  a  brass  candle-stick  better  than  the 
state,  yet,  I  take  it,  Tom. 

Aye,  said  Tom,  that's  the  way  you  aristocrats  treat  the  poor 
man.  Was  it  not  the  poor  man  that  fought  our  battles,  and 
Washington  and  a  few  more  got  all  the  credit? 

It  is  true  they  fought,  and  fought  bravely,  Tom,  and  should 
have  their  full  reward.  But  what  is  a  body  of  men  in  arms, 
without  leaders?  and  what  could  any  army  do  without  generals  ? 
Do  you  think,  Tom,  there  were  many  in  the  ranks,  who  could 

*Tom  the  Tinker  was  the  name  of  the  ideal  leader  of  the  in 
surrection. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  115 

take  the  place  of  Washington?  or  even  of  Wayne,  or  Green, 
or  Morgan? 

But,  said  Tom,  is  it  not  the  poor  men  that  labor,  and  make 
all  the  money,  while  the  rich  men  get  it? 

And  what  is  to  hinder  you  from  making  and  saving,  and 
getting  rich,  in  the  course  of  time?  When  you  labor  for  the 
rich  as  well  as  for  the  poor,  are  you  not  paid  for  it?  Do  not 
the  laws  equally  protect  you  in  the  pursuit  of  wealth?  Let 
those  reap  and  garner  that  have  sown,  Tom,  or  whose  fathers 
have  done  so  for  them.  You  wish  to  reap  and  garner  where 
you  have  not  sown,  and  is  that  right? 

At  the  next  stall  was  a  hard-ware  man.  In  the  next  a  pot 
ter  with  his  jugs.  Anacharsis,  according  to  Diogenes  Laertius, 
invented  the  anchor  and  the  potter's  wheel.  He  was  a  more 
useful  man  than  him  that  invented  fire-arms;  though  it  is  a 
question  with  some,  whether  gunpowder  has  not  rendered  war 
less  sanguinary. 

A  toyman  had  his  stall  next.  As  the  Captain  was  looking 
at  his  baubles,  an  accident  happened  on  the  other  side  of  the 
way.  At  a  short  turn,  a  cart  had  overseet.  It  was  light,  and 
loaded  with  empty  kegs.  Nevertheless  the  driver  wanted  help 
to  lift  it  up. 

The  Chapman,  the  Toyman,  the  Potter,  the  Hardware  man 
and  Tom  the  Tinker,  were  endeavoring  to  assist.  The  Tinker 
and  the  Hardware  man  had  set  their  shoulders  to  the  cart. 
They  hove  it  up;  but  by  too  violent  a  push  threw  it  to  the  other 
side.  The  Chapman  and  Toyman  thought  to  set  the  matter 
right,  and  in  the  adverse  direction,  appliedj.heir  force,  being 
on  the  other  side  of  the  cart;  and  to  do  them  justice,  gave  a 
good  hoist,  but  overdid  the  matter  as  much  as  was  done  before; 
for  the  cart  came  back  and  lay  prostrate  in  tho  same  direction 
as  at  first. 

The  driver,  in  the  meantime,  was  dissatisfied.  Gentlemen, 
said  he,  do  you  mean  to  assist  or  to  ruin  me  ?  It  may  be  sport 
to  you;  but  it  is  a  loss  to  me  to  have  my  cart  broke  and  my 
kegs  staved. 

It  is  all  wrong,  said  the  Captain.  Why  not  let  the  thing 
stand  upon  the  horizontal?  None  of  your  tricks  upon  travel- 


116  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

l«rs.  Let  the  poor  man's  cart  have  fair  play,  and  stand  upon  its 
own  bottom. 

Aye,  aye,  said  a  misanthrope,  this  comes  of  bad  doings. 
You  must  be  going  to  the  woods  and  disturbing  innocent  for 
ests;  cutting  down  young  trees,  making  staves  and  hooping 
kegs.  This  is  just  the  way  they  make  laws,  to  hoop  people  aa 
you  would  a  barrel.  You  talk  of  liberty,  of  free  government, 
of  free  couutry;  and  we  see  and  feel  only  restraint  and  op 
pression,  which  is  the  same  thing.  Free  government,  indeed! 
As  if  restraint  on  the  exercise  of  a  man's  natural  rights  were 
not  the  reverse  of  freedom.  The  birds  of  the  air  are  free;  the 
wild  beasts  are  free;  while  man,  to  whom  was  given  dominion 
over  all  by  the  Creator,  is  a  slave!  Away  with  your  free  gov 
ernment! 

Ah !  it  is  in  this  manner,  said  a  moral-drawing  man,  that 
people  overturn  the  state.  If  the  vehicle  goes  to  the  one  side, 
it  is  the  act  of  a  patriot  to  set  it  right.  But  unskilful  persons 
pass  the  line  of  gravity;  so  that  as  much  mischief  arises  from 
too  much  force  as  too  little.  Passing  the  line  of  gravitation 
in  erecting  a  body,  is  like  wounding  a  principle  of  the  Consti 
tution.  All  errors  of  expediency  may  be  amended;  but  the 
violations  of  principle  are  vital,  and  terminate  in  death. 

Put  that  fellow  in  the  pulpit,  and  he  could  preach,  said  a 
bye-stander;  do  you  hear  what  a  sermon  he  makes  upon  a  cart? 
He  could  take  a  text — Nebuchadnezzar,  or  Zerubabel — and 
lengthen  out  a  discourse  for  a  fortnight. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Captain  was  almost  carried  off  his  feet 
by  a  crowd  of  people  going  to  see  the  learned  pig. 

Has  he  the  tongues?  said  Angus  Sutherland,  a  Scotchman. 

He  has  two,  said  John  Gilpin,  a  wag. 

The  Hebrew  and  the  Erse,  I  trow,  said  the  Scotchman. 

No;  the  squeel  and  the  gruntle,  I  ween,  said  the  drolling 
person.  . 

That  is  his  vernacular,  said  the  Scotchman;  but  I  mean  his 
acquired  languages. 

I  do  not  know  that  he  has  acquired  any,  said  Gilpin;  but  he 
is  considerably  perfected  in  those  he  had  before. 

Weel,  that  is  something,  said  Angus:  bnt  he  has  gofc  a  smack 


MODERN   CHIVALRY".  117 

A  little  of  algebra,  said  the  wag;  the  plus  and  minus  he 
understands  pretty  well. 

The  conversation  was  interrupted  by  the  vociferation  of  a 
man  in  soliloquy,  at  a  distance.  He  appeared  to  be  in  great 
agitation;  clenching  his  fists,  and  striking  them  against  each 
other.  An  infamous,  diabolical  slander,  said  he;  I  a  scholar  1 
I  a  learned  man  !  it  is  a  falsehood.  See  me  reading !  He  never 
saw  me  read.  I  do  not  know  a  B  from  a  bull's  foot.  But  this 
is  the  way  to  injure  a  man  in  his  election.  They  report  of  me 
that  I  am  a  scholar!  It  is  a  malicious  fabrication.  I  can 
prove  it  false.  It  is  a  rascally  electioneering  lie.  What  a 
wicked  world  is  this  in  which  we  live!  I  a  scholar!  I  am.  a 
eon  of  a  female  dog,  if  I  ever  opened  a  book  in  my  life.  0  I 
the  calumny,  the  malice  of  the  report.  All  to  destroy  my 
election. 

Were  you  not  seen  carrying  books?  said  a  neighbor. 

Aye,  said  the  distressed  man;  two  books  that  a  student  had 
borrowed  from  a  clergyman.  But  did  I  look  into  them?  Did 
any  man  see  me  open  the  books?  I  will  take  my  Bible  oath 
I  never  looked  into  them.  I  am  innocent  of  letters  as  the 
child  unborn.  I  am  as  ignorant  as  an  ass.  I  am  an  illiterate 
man,  God  be  praised,  and  free  from  the  sin  of  learning,  or  any 
wicked  art,  as  I  hope  to  be  saved;  but  here  a  report  is  raised 
up,  that  I  have  dealings  in  books — that  I  can  read.  0!  the 
wickedness  of  this  world!  Is  there  no  protection  from  slander 
and  bad  report?  Gjd  help  me!  Here  I  am,  an  honest 
democrat;  a  good  citizen,  who  hates  learning  as  the  ruin  ©f 
democracy;  and  yet  it  is  reported  of  me,  that  I  read  books. 
01  tl^e  tongues  of  men!  Who  can  stop  reproach!  I  am  ruined; 
I  am  undone;  I  shall  lose  my  election,  and  the  good- will  of  all 
my  neighbors,  and  the  confidence  of  posterity.  It  is  a  dread 
ful  thing  that  all  the  discretion  of  a  man  cannot  save  him  from 
evil-speaking  and  defamation.* 

*It  is  not  long  since  a  member  of  Congress,  from  the  State  of 
Indiana,  in  his  place,  declared  his  hatred  to  schools,  colleges,  and 
learning;  and  boasted  of  his  ignorance!  His  name  was  Savage — 
the  same  who  retired  to  the  lobb  to  raake  bis  dinner  on  bi'ead  and 


118  MODERN   CHIYALRY. 

It  is  a  strange  contrast,  thought  the  Captain,  that  we  admire 
learning  in  a  pig,  and  undervalue  it  in  a  man.  The  time  was 
when  learning  would  save  a  man's  neck,  but  now  it  endangers 
it.  The  neck  verse  is  reversed,  that  is,  the  effect  of  it-  For 
the  man  that  can  read  goes  to  the  wall,  not  he  that  is  ignorant. 
But  such  are  the  revolutions  of  opinion.  I  should  not  be 
surprised  if  men  went  back  to  tails  and  hoofs,  as  well  as  to 
the  acorn. 

Of  all  things  in  the  world,  said  a  speculative  philosopher,  I 
should  the  least  expect  science  in  a  pig;  though  the  swinish 
multitude  are  not  without  good  moral  qualities,  or  the  sem 
blance  of  these,  by  propensitive  instinct.  The  herd  of  deer 
avoid  or  beat  off  the  chased  or  wounded  companion;  but  attack 
a  hog  in  a  gang,  and^the  bristles  of  all  are  up  to  make  battle. 
There  is  an  esprit  du  corps,  or  a  principle  of  self-preservation, 
which  proves  that  the  hogs  are  sensible  animals.  They  do  not 
wait  until  they  are  taken  off,  one  by  one,  but  make  a  common 
cause  in  the  first  instance.  When  the  twenty-one  deputies  in 
the  national  assembly  of  France,  were  marched  in  a  body  to 
the  guillotine,  with  the  eloquent  Verngnaud  leading  the  way, 
and  all  singing  the  Marseilles  Hymn,  until  the  last  head  fell 
into  the  basket,  there  were,  no  doubt,  a  great  number  that  saw 
the  atrocity,  but  not  the  consequence.  They  were  willing  that 
the  bolt  should  pass  by  themselves,  and  were  silent.  But  those 
that  followed  soon  felt  the  case  to  be  their  own,  though  they 
did  not  make  it  so  at  first.  The  hogs  have  more  sense,  or 
nature  is  more  faithful  than  reason.  A  sailor  on  board  a  ship 
may  not  like  his  comrades;  but  if  they  are  charged  with  mu 
tiny  wrongfully,  he  is  interested,  and  will  see  to  it  if  he  is  wise. 
It  concerns  him  that  they  be  dealt  with  fairly,  for  injustice  to 
them  leads  to  injustice  to  himself.  A  third  mate  may  dislike 
the  first,  or  second,  or  the  captain  himself,  and  have  no  objec 
tion  to  change  them;  but  the  mistake  or  injustice  of  owners 
towards  these  affects  himself.  If  one  goes  at  this  turn,  another 
may  go  at  the  next;  until  all  fall  to  unjust  accusation.  If  the 
independence  and  safety  of  command  is  affected,  all  officers 
suffer,  and  the  service  is  injured.  The  picking  off  one  at  a 
time  is  politic  in  those  that  assail,  but  fatal  to  those  that  are 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  119 

assailed.  Polyphemus  devoured  but  one  of  the  soldiers  of 
Ulysses  in  a  day.  So  that  it  does  not  follow,  that  hog  likes 
hog,  more  than  sheep  likes  sheep;  or  that  bristle  is  champion 
for  bristle,  when  ho  comes  to  take  his  part;  but  that  the  law 
of  self-preservation  is  better  understood,  or  felt,  by  this  animal. 
But  as  to  teaching  a  pig  anything  like  human  knowledge, 
though  not  a  new  thing,  would  seem  to  be  of  little  use.  Crows 
were  taught  to  speak,  in  the  time  of  Augustus  Caesar,  as  we 
find  from  the  story  of  the  cobler  and  his  crows.  The  poet 
Virgil  talks  of  cattle  speaking : 

Pecudesque  locutee. 

Says  the  Spanish  proverb — 

"Hablo  el  buey,  y  dixo  mu " 

But  this  was  a  prodigy.  Learning  must  go  somewhere,  as  a 
river  that  sinks  in  one  place  rises  in  another.  If  erudition  is 
lost  with  men,  it  is  well  to  find  it  with  pigs.  The  extraordina- 
ries  are  always  pleasing.  The  intermediate  grades  of  eloquence, 
from  a  Curran  to  a  parrot,  are  not  worth  marking. 
A  little  learning  is  a  dangerous  thing: 
Drink  deep,  or  taste  not  the  Pierean  spring 
If  a  man  cannot  be  a  Polyglotist,  he  may  as  well  be  a  goose. 
It  was  at  a  time  things  took  this  turn,  that  Balaam's  ass  spoke. 
There  was  a  darkness  all  over  Europe,  for  six  or  ten  centuries, 
and  little  knowledge  of  the  scientific  kind  to  be  found  with 
man,  fish,  fowl  or  beast.  A  glare  of  light  sprung  up,  and  has 
prevailed  awhile.  Men  of  science  have  been  in  repute  in 
monarchies,  and  in  some  republics;  or  at  least  science  itself 
has  had  some  quarter.  But  it  is  nowjscouted  and  run  down. 
The  mild  shade  of  evening,  the  crepusculum  approaches.  A 
twilight  that  the  weakest  eye  can  sustain.  The  bats  will  be  out 
now.  The  owl  can  see  as  well  the  cat.  If  there  is  less  light, 
there  is  more  equality  of  vision;  which  may  be  for  the  best. 
Let  us  have  equality — equality;  all  things  alike — all  things 
equal.  Then  there  will  be  no  envy,  no  avarice,  no  ambition; 
no  wealth  or  poverty,  no  strength  or  weakness.  Then  will 
society  be  perfect,  and  men  be  like  the  angels.  The  golden 
age  shall  then  be  come  again,  when  men  and  women  shall  go 
under  trees,  and  feed  upon  ac^rr"  ntxd  roots! 


120  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

That  fellow  could  preach  too,  said  a  by-stander,  and  give 
him  a  text.  What  a  speech  he  has  made  upon  a  shoat! 

Bat  looking  up,  they  saw  a  man  actually  preaching,  or 
something  like  it,  in  a  tavern  door,  with  a  newspaper  in  hia 
hand.  It  was  on  the  subject  of  economies.  For  now  all  is 
economy.  Not  making,  but  saving.  This  discourse  was  a 
lecture  on  the  subtraction  of  aliment,  and  the  making  water  go 
farther  by  boiling  it.  Saving  the  scales  of  fish,  and  the  stem 
beaten  out  of  flax;  curtailing  wages,  and  doing  less  work;  all 
things  by  the  minimum;  he  would  have  all  microscopes,  no 
telescopes;  minutiae,  minutiae,  minutiae;  nothing  great,  com 
prehensive  or  magnificent  in  his  projects.  Themistocles  knew 
how  to  make  a  great  state  out  of  a  small  commonwealth.  But 
was  it  by  saving,  or  by  gaining  that  he  did  it?  Was  the  sweep 
of  his  mind  contracted,  or  extensive  ?  Had  the  Czar  of  Mus 
covy  a  great  heart?  Did  he  reduce  mountains  by  particles,  or 
employ  his  mind  upon  hen-coops?  These  were  questions  the 
economist  answered  in  the  affirmative.  But  some  doubted  the 
orthodoxy  of  the  doctrine,  and  left  the  congregation. 

In  a  public  house  was  heard  the  music  of  a  fiddle  and  a  bag 
pipe.  It  was  Duncan,  the  quondam  waiter  of  the  Captain,  who 
had  made  a  match  of  the  bag-pipe  against  the  violin.  Play 
up,  said  Duncan  to  the  piper;  now  "the  Coming  o'  the  Cam- 
rons;';  now  "the  Reels  o'  Bogie."  Piay  up;  I  could  dance 
amaist  involuntarily,  as  I  were  bit  by  the  tarantula. 

Martin,  the  Latin  master  was  of  the  company,  and  encour 
aged  the  contest,  by  the  application  of  classic  phrases,  such  as, 

Et  vitula  tu  digmis,  et  hie 

Boni  quoiiiam  conveuirnus  ambo. 

Tale  tuum  carmen,  divine  poeta. 

But  more  noise,  though  perhaps  less  music,  was  heard  out 
of  doors,  coming  down  the  street.  A  crowd  of  people,  boys 
and  grown  persons,  were  following  O'Dell,  the  revolutionist. 
For  Ca  Ira,  or  the  Marseilles  hymn,  he  bawled  out  the  follow 
ing 

Down  with  the  sessions,  and  down  with  the  laws; 
They  put  me  in  mind  of  the  schoolmaster's  taws. 


MODERN    CHIVALRF.  121 

There's  nothing  ill  nature  that  gives  such  disgust 
As  force  and  compulsion  so  make  a  man  just. 

Hillelu,  Billelu,  set  me  down  aisy, 

Hillelu,  Billelu,  &c. 

A  lawyer's  a  liar,  old  sooty  his  father; 
He  talks  all  day  long,  a  mere  jack-a-blather; 
His  books  and  his  papers  may  all  go  to  hell, 
And  make  speeches  there,  sings  Larry  O'Dell. 
Hillelu,  &c. 

The  state  is  a  vessel,  and  hooped  like  a  tub, 
And  the  adze  of  the  cooper  goes  dub-a-dub. 
But  hooping  and  coopering  is  fitting  for  fools; 
Away  with  all  learning,  and  shut  up  the  schools. 
Hillelu,  &c. 

A  horse  eats  the  less  when  you  cut  off  his  tail, 
And  chickens  hatch  faster  the  thinner  the  shell; 
A  clerk  in  an  office  might  do  two  things  in  one, 
Hatch  eggs  while  he  sits,  and  writes  all  alone. 
Hillelu,  &_\ 

The  song  may  be  good  as  to  music,  said  the  Captain;  but  I 
do  not  like  the  sentiments,  especially  the  concluding  couplet. 
It  seems  to  me,  that  economy  has  become  parsimony;  the 
opposite  extreme  of  prodigality  or  extravagance.  The  one  is 
odious,  the  other  contemptible.  All  tax,  or  no  tax.  There  is 
no  medium.  But  no  tax  and  economy,  will  as  certainly  de 
stroy  an  administration,  as  all  tax  and  extravagance.  The 
meanness  of  starving  officers,  establishments,  improvements, 
will  attach  disreputation  to  the  agents.  But  in  all  things 
there  is  a  tendency  to  extremes.  The  popular  mind  does  not 
easily  arrest  itself  when  descending  upon  an  inclined  plane  of 
opinion.  Popular  ballads  are  an  index  of  the  public  mind. 
Hence  we  see  that  an  antipathy  to  laws,  lawyers  and  judges, 
is  the  ton  at  present,  and  also  that  economy  is  the  ruling  pas 
sion  of  the  time.  Yet  in  all  things  there  may  be  an  excess. 
For  the  people  are  not  always  right.  Unless  in  the  technical, 
or  rather,  limited  sense  of  the  English  law,  that  "the  king 
can  do  no  wrong."  Doubtless,  whatever  the  people  do  is 


123  MODERN    CHirALRT. 

legally  right;  but  yet  not  always  politically  or  morally  right. 
For  do  we  not  find  from  the  voice  of  history,  that  those  men 
are  thought  to  have  deserved  best  of  their  country,  who  have 
occasionally  withstood  the   intemperance   of  opinion:      Self- 
seekers  only  "are  all  things  to  all  men."     Three  things  are 
necessary  to  constitute  a  great  man;  judgment,  fortitude  and 
self-denial.     It  id  a  great  thing  to  judge  wisely.     Perhaps  this 
may  be  said  to  comprehend  the  whole.     For  judging  wisely, 
upon  a  large  scale,   will  embrace  fortitude   and  self-denial. 
Hence,  in  the  Scripture  phrase,  bad  men  are  called  fools.     It 
is  but  cutting  down  the  fruit  tree,  to  hark  in  with  the  popular 
cry  for  the  moment.     All  is  gained  for  the  present,  but  there 
is  nothing  for  the  next  year.     Such  a  man  may  get  into  a  pub 
lic  body,  but  will  not  long  retain  his  seat;  or  if  he  does,  he 
loses  all,  in  the  esteem  of  the  virtuous  and  the  wise-     But  I 
doubt  whether  the  people  are  so  mad  for  economy.     It  origi 
nates  with  those  who  are   conscious  to  themselves  that  they 
cannot  please  them  by  great  actions,  and  therefore  attempt  it 
by  small.     The  extreme  has  been  of  unnecessary  expenditure, 
(and  it  is  right  that  this  should  be  vigilantly  guarded  against;) 
and  it  is  popular  to  cry  out  economy,  which  the  people-pleaser 
gets   into  his  mouth  and  makes  the  shiboleth  of  just  politics. 
But  the  people-pleaser  is  not  always  the  friend  of  the  people. 
Do  we  find  him  in  war  the  best  general  who  consults  the  ardor 
of  his  troops,  wholly,  and  fights  when  they  cry  out  for  battle  ? 
Pompey  yielded  to  such  an  outcry,  and  lost  the  field  of  Phar- 
salia.     A  journal  was  published  in  France,  by  Marat,  under 
the  direction,  or  with  the  assistance  of  Robespierre,   entitled 
"I/ Ami  du  peuple."     There  could  not  be  a  more   seducing 
title;  and  yet  this  very  journal  was  the  foe  of  the  people.     I 
•will  not  undertake  to  say  that  even  Marat  meant  well  to  the 
people;  but  he  had  not  an  understanding  above  the  public, 
and  judgment  to  correct  the  errors  of  occasional  opinion.     He 
was  of  the  multitude  himself,  and  did  not  overtop  them  by 
having  higher  ground  from  whence  to  observe.     He  had  not 
been  a  sage  before  he  became  a  journalist.     Hence  he  de 
nounced   the   Girondists,    the   philosophers   of   the   republic, 
Condorcet  and   others  who  had   laid   the   foundation   of  the 


MODERN   CHIfALRT.  123 

revolution.  He  denounced  them  because  they  suggested  a 
confederate  republic,  such  as  Montesquieu  projected  and 
America  has  realized.  Marat  took  up  with  the  simple,  the  one 
and  indivisible;  the  populace  understood  this,  but  not  the 
complication,  and  it  prevailed;  but  the  republic  went  down. 
The  one  and  indivisible  prevailed;  concentration — monarchy 
was  the  consequence  and  always  will  be. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

The  despot  is  the  spectre  which  rises  fram  the  marsh  of  licen 
tiousness.     It  was  the  Jacobins  who  made  the  Emperor. 

I  NEVER  had  a  doubt,  with  the  Captain,  but  that  the  bulk  of 
the  Jacobins  in  France  meant  well;  even  Marat  and  Robes 
pierre  considered  themselves  as  denouncing  and  trucidating 
only  the  enemies  of  the  republic.  What  a  delightful  trait  of 
virtue  discovers  itself  in  the  behavior  of  Peregrine,  the  brother 
of  Robespierre,  and  proves  that  he  thought  his  brother  inno 
cent:  "I  am  innocent,  and  my  brother  is  as  innocent  as  I  am." 
Possibly  they  were  both  innocent.  Innocent  of  what?  AVhy, 
of  meaning  ill.  "The  time  shall  come,  when  they  that  kill  you 
shall  think  they  are  doing  God  a  service-"  Peregrine  led  the 
column,  with  his  drawn  sword  in  his  hand,  that  entered  and 
re-took  Toulon.  He  threw  himself  into  the  denunciation. 
This  ought  to  be  a  lesson  to  all  republicans  to  have  charity  for 
those  that  differ  in  opinion.  Tiberius,  and  Caius  Gracchus,  at 
Rome,  meant  well;  Agis  and  Cleomenes  of  Sparta,  the  same; 
but  they  attempted  a  reform,  well  in  vision  and  imagination t 
but  beyond  what  was  practicable,  or  expedient.  Instead  of 
improving  the  condition  of  things,  their  efforts  only  made  it 
worse.  They  fell  victims  to  the  not  distinguishing  the  times; 
the  advanced  state  of  society,  which  did  not  comport  with  the 
original  simplicity  of  institutions,  or  no  institutions. 

Marat,  the  journalist,  and  Robespierre,  were  pushed  gradu 
ally  to  blood,  by  the  principle  which  governed  them,  of  taking 
it  for  granted,  that  all  who  thought  differently  upon  a  subject 


s 
124  MODERN    C1I1YALRY. 

were  traitors;  and  that  a  majority  of  votes  was  the  criterion 
of  being  right,  instead  of  being  only  presumptive  evidence  as 
the  lawyers  say.  Ah!  the  majority!  In  a  monarchy,  the  name 
of  the  king  is  a  tower  of  strength;  in  a  republic,  the  majority 
is  the  magic  word  of  power;  and  would  to  heaven  it  were 
always  right!  The  Mountain,  the  bulk  of  the  national  Assem 
bly,  could  not  but  be,  in  their  opinion,  infallible.  The  eternal 
mountain,  at  whose  foot  every  one  was  disposed  to  place  him 
self;  the  mountain  on  whose  top  were  "thunders  and  light 
nings,  and  a  thick  cloud;"  but  not  a  natural  mountain  of 
the  earth,  collecting  refreshing  showers,  and  from  which 
descended  streams.  It  was  a  mountain  pregnant  with  subter 
ranean  fire.  It  bursts,  and  exists  a  volcano  to  this  day.  So 
much  for  the  majority  of  a  public  body  being  always  right; 
and  so  much  for  a  journalist  meaning  well,  and  yet  destroying 
the  republic.  It  is  a  truth  in  nature,  and  a  maxim  in  philoso 
phy,  that  "from  whence  our  greatest  good  springs,  our  great 
est  evils  arise."  A  journalist  of  spirit  is  a  desideratum  in  a 
revolution.  But  when  the  new  island  or  continent,  is  thrown 
up  from  the  bottom  of  the  ocean,  and  the  subterranean  gas 
dissipated,  why  seek  for  a  convulsion  ?  but  rather  leave  nature 
to  renew  herself  with  forest,  andj?  rivers,  and  perennial 
springs.  But  that  activity  which  was  useful  in  the  first  effort, 
is  unwilling  to  be  checked  in  the  further  employment;  and 
under  the  idea  of  a  progressing  reform,*  turns  upon  the  estab 
lishment  it  has  produced,  and  intending  good;  does  harm.  The 
men  are  penounccd  that  mean  as  well  as  the  journalist,  and 
perhaps  understand  the  came  better  than  himself,  though  they 
differ  in  judgment  on  the  move.  In  a  revolution,  every  man 
thinks  he  has  done  all.  He  knows  only,  or  chiefly,  what  he 
has  done  himself  Hence  he  is  intolerant  of  the  opinions  of 
others,  because  he  iu  ignorant  of  the  services  which  are  a 
proof  of  patriotism,  and  of  the  interest  which  is  a  pledge  of 
fidelity.  Fresh  hands,  especially,  are  apt  to  overdo  the  mat 
ter,  as  I  have  seen  at  the  building  of  a  cabin  in  the  western 
country.  A  strong  man  takes  hold  of  a  log,  and  he  lifts  faster 


'The  modern  progressive  democracy." 


MODERX    CHIVALRY. 

than  the  other.  From  the  unskilfulness  and  inequality  of  his 
exertions  accidents  happen.  Prudent  people  do  not  like  rash 
hands.  States  have  been  best  built  up  by  the  wise  as  well 
as  the  honest. 

There  are  men  that  we  dislike,  in  office.  All  men  approved 
Marius,  says  the  historian  Sallust,  when  he  began  to  proscribe, 
now  and  then,  a  bad  man;  but  they  did  not  foresee  what  soon 
happened;  that  he  did  not  stop  short,  but  went  on  to  proscribe 
the  good.  It  is  better  to  bear  an  individual  mischief  than  a 
public  inconvenience,  'this  is  a  maxim  of  the  common  law. 
That  is,  it  is  better  to  endure  an  evil  in  a  particular  case,  than 
to  violate  a  general  law.  There  ought  to  be  constitutional 
ground,  and  a  just  cause  to  remove  the  obnoxious.  It  will  not 
do  even  in  Ireland,  to  hang  a  man  for  stealing  cloth,  because 
he  is  a  bad  weaver. 

Where  parties  exist  in  a'republic,  that  party  will  predominate 
eventually,  which  pursues  justice.     A  democratic   party  will 
find  its  only  security  in  this.     "  If  these  things  are  done  in  the 
green\tree,  what  shall  be  done  in  the  dry?"    If  democracy  is 
not  just,  what  shall  we  expect  from  the  aristocracy,  where  the 
pride  of  purse  and  pride  of  family,  raises  the  head,  swells  the 
port,  produces  the  strut,  and  all  the  undervaluing  which  the 
few  have  for  the  many?    Aristocracy,  which  claims  by  heredi 
tary  right,  the  honors  and  emoluments  of  the  commonwealth! 
And  can  we  expect  anything  better,  when  all  power  is  concen 
trated  in  the  hands  of  one,  that  one  surrounded  by  sycophants 
and  dependants,  the  slaves  of  the  despot,  and  the  tyrants  of 
the  people  ?     Who  does  not  dislike  the  presumption  of  the 
purse-proud,  and  the  pride  of  connections?     And  it  is  for  that 
reason  that  I  wish  my  fellow  democrats,  "  my  brethren  accord 
ing  to  the  flesh,"  to  do  right;  to  show  their  majesty,  the  nobil 
ity  of  their  nature,  by  their  discrimination  and  their  sense  of 
justice.     For  I  am  a  democrat,  if  having  no  cousin  and  no 
funds,  and  only  relying  on  my  personal  services,  can  make  me 
one.    And  I  believe  this  is  a  pretty  good  pledge  for  democracy 
in  any  man.     Unless,  indeed,  he  should  becomes  a  tool  to  those 
that  have  cousins  and  funds;  and  this  he  will  not  do  if  he  has 
gelf-respeet.    He  might  be  made  a  despot;  but  this  can  only  b0 


12$ 


MODERN    CITIVAT.KY. 


by  the  people  destroying  the  essence  of  liberty,  by'pushing  it  to 
licentiousness.  The  despot  is  a  spectre,  which  rises  chiefly  from 
the  marsh  of  licentiousness.  It  was  the  Jacobins  made 
parte  what  he  now  is— Emperor  of  the  French. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

In  which  is  related  the  case  of  the  lawyer  who  was  lynched  for 
making  long  speeches. 

The  Captain's  attention  was  suddenly  arrested  by  the  ap 
proach  of  a  mob,  hurrying  along  with  a  lawyer,  in  whose 
mouth  they  had  placed  a  gag.  The  knob  in  his  mouth  was 
rather  long,  and  the  poor  man  seemed  to  be  in  pain  by  the 
extension  of  his  jaws.  lie  could  not  speak,  which  was  a  great 
privation,  it  being  his  daily  employment,  and  the  labor  of  hia 
yocation.  For  the  people  thought  he  spoke  too  much,  or  at 
least  was  tedious  in  his  speeches,  and  took  up  the  time  of  the 
court  and  juries  unnecessarily.  But  this  was  a  new  way  of 
correcting  amplification  in  an  orator.  It  is  true  that  things 
strike  more  than  words,  and  the  soldier  in  a  Roman  assembly, 
who  held  up  the  stump  of  his  arm,  lost  in  battle,  pleaded  more 
effectually  for  his  brother,  the  accused,  than  all  the  powers  of 
eloquence.  But  it  is  a  wicked  thing,  and  entirely  a  la  mob, 
to  stretch  the  jaws  so  immeasurably.  But  the  people  will  have 
their  way;  when  they  get  a  thing  into  their  heads,  there  is  no 
stopping  them,  especially  on  a  Fair  day,  such  as  this  was.  It  is 
true  the  thing  was  illegal,  and  he  could  have  his  action;  but  they 
took  their  chance  of  that,  and  in  the  meantime  lynch  law  was 
proclaimed,  and  some  were  glad  that  its  sanctions  were  not 
more  serious;  others  shook  their  heads,  and  thought  that  such 
fruits  on  the  tree  of  liberty,  bore  a  very  close  resemblance  to 
those  of  the  tree  of  despotism.  The  people  do  not  reflect,  that 
insecurity  of  .one,  is  the  insecurity  of  all,'thought  the  Captain. 
The  fact  is,  the  tedioueness  of  lawyers,  in  their  harrangues, 
in  beyond  bearing;  and  it  is  enough  to  drive  the  peopjo  to 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  127 

adjustment  bills,  and  anything,  to  get  quit  of  them.  The  opener 
of  a  cause  must  lead  you  into  the  whole  transaction,  instead  of 
leaving  it  to  the  evidence  to  do  it.  He  must  give  you  a  view 
of  the  whole  scope  of  his  cause.  This  might  be  in  a  few 
words.  But  he  wants  to  make  a  speech,  a  strong  impression 
at  the  first.  He  must  tell  you  how  he  means  to  draw  up  his 
evidence;  how  to  fight  his  men.  I  should  not  like  my  adver 
sary  to  know  this;  I  would  not  tell  the  court,  lest  he  should 
hear  it.  What  would  we  think  of  a  general  who  should  mount 
the  rostrum,  in  the  presence  of  the  enemy,  and  explain  the 
order  of  his  battle  ?  I  love  the  art  of  managing  a  cause  for 
its  own  sake,  and  I  like  to  see  it  professionally  won.  The  less 
speaking,  almost  always,  the  better  for  a  cause.  Tbere  is  su^h 
a  thing  as  "darkening  counsel  by  words  without  knowledge." 
Atticism  is  favorable  to  perception  in  the  hearer.  We  do  not 
carry  wheat  to  be  ground  before  it  is  sifted  of  the  chaff.  Yet 
there  may  be  an  error  on  the  other  side.  The  declination  to 
brevity  may  be  too  great.  I  am  afraid  to  say  much  on  this 
head,  lest  I  should  seem  to  undervalue  eloquence,  and  check  it 
alogether.  But  certain  it  is,  that  the  excess  is  on  the  side  of 
quantity,  in  speaking  at  the  bar  at  present.  The  juries  feel  it, 
and  twist  and.  turn  themselves  into  all  shapes,  to  avoid  It. 
The  courts  feel  it,  and  on  many  occasions  groan  for  deliver 
ance.  So  that  it  is  not  so  much  a  matter  of  wonder  that  it 
should  have  caused  a  fury  among  the  multitud  e.  They  took  the 
only  mode  they  could  contrive,  to  give  vent  to  their  displeasure. 
Lynching,  biting,  goring,  kicking,  burning,  tearing  down,  are 
what  may  be  called  instinctive  modes  of  manifesting  great 
disatisfaction  and  rage,  at  least  where  the  animal  predominates 
over  the  rational  nature.  A  kind  of  wild  justice.  Some  of 
our  best  garden  plants  are  poisonous  in  a  state  of  nature. 
Yet  even  this  wild  justice,  may  be  better  than  none  at  all;  it 
may  be  produced  by  the  principle  of  self-preservation. 

In  the  meantime,  the  blind  lawyer  being  at  hand,  delivering 
a  lecture,  had  heard  of  the  tribulation  of  his  brother,  the 
gagged  lawyer;  and  for  the  honor  of  the  profession,  stretching 
out  his  hands  to  the  people,  had  obtained  his  enlargement, 
and  the  removal  of  the  peg.  But  it  was  said,  this  would  be  a 


128  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

warning  to  the  advocate  to  shorten  his  speeches  for  the  future. 
The  branks  which  had  been  upon  his  head,  that  is  the  woodya 
which  had  tied  the  knob,  were  laid  aside  for  another  occasion. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

An  inquest  is  held  on  a  man  suspected  of  being  insane.     His 
defence,  and  the  verdict  of  the  jury, 

THE  affair  of  the  lawyer  was  just  over,  when  the  Captain's 
attention  was  attracted  in  another  direction,  where  there  was 
an  assemblage  holding  an  inquest  on  a  man  alleged  tojbe  insane. 
It  was  now  the  right  of  the  accused  to  be  heard  in  his  defence. 

THE  MADMAN'S  DEFENCE. 

Gentlemen  of  the  Jury — 

It  is  an  awkward  situation  in  which  you  see  me  placed:  to 
be  obliged  to  maintain  that  I  am  in  my  right  might  mind,  and 
not  out  of  my  senses.  For  even  if  I  speak  sense,  you  may 
attribute  it  to  a  lucid  interval.  It  is  not  a  difficult  matter  to 
fix  an  imputation  on  a  man.  It  is  only  to  follow  it  up,  "line 
upon  line,  precept  upon  precept,  here  a  little  and  there  a 
little."  There  is  nothing  but  a  man's  own  life  and  course  of 
conduct,  that  can  rebut  the  calumny.  It  is  therefore  in  vain 
to  answer  in  the  gazettes,  or  to  go  out  into  the  streets  and  call 
out  falsehood.  The  more  pains  you  take  to  defend  yourself, 
the  more  it  is  fixed  upon  you.  For  the  bulk  of  mankind  are 
on  the  side  of  the  calumniator,  and  would  rather  have  a  thing 
true  than  false.  I  believe  there  would  be  no  better  way,  than 
for  a  man  to  join  in  and  slander  himself,  until  the  weight  of 
obloquy  became  so  great,  that  the  public  would  revolt,  and 
from  believing  all,  believe  nothing.  I  have  known  this  tried 
with  success.  But  how  can  one  rebut  the  imputation  of  mad 
ness?  How  disprove  insanity?  The  highest  excellence  of 
understanding  and  madness,  like  the  two  ends  of  a  right  line 
turned  to  a  circle,  are  said  to  come  together. 


MODERX    CHIVALRY. 

Nullam  magnum  ingenium  sine  mensura  dementiaB. 
Great  wit  to  madness  sure  is  near  allied. 

Hence  you  will  infer  that  I  may  appear  rational,  and  quick 
of  perception,  and  even  just  in  judgment  for  a  time,  and  yet 
be  of  a  deranged  intellect.  What  can  I  tell  you  but  that  it  ia 
the  malice  of  my  enemies,  that  have  devised  this  reproach,  in 
order  to  hinder  my  advancement  in  state  afiairs  ?  It  is  true 
there  are  some  things  in  my  habit  and  manner  that  may  have 
given  color  to  the  charge — singularities.  But  a  man  of  study 
and  abstract  thought,  will  have  singularities.  Henry  Field 
ing's  Parson  Adams,  and  Doctor  Orkborn,  in  Mrs.  D'Arbray's 
Camilla,  are  examples  of  this.  A  man  of  books  will  be  ab 
stract,  or  absent  in  converseation;  sometimes  in  business. 

A  man  of  books!  said  the  foreman  of  the  jury,  a  scholar! 
Ah  !  you  are  a  scholar,  are  you?  Ah,  ha!  that  is  enough;  we 
want  no  more.  If  you  are  not  a  madman,  you  must  be  a 
knave,  and  that  comes  to  the  same  thing.  Say,  gentlemen, 
shall  we  find  him  guilty?  What  say  you,  is  he  mad? 

1st  Juryman. — He  seems  to  be  a  little  cracked. 

2d. — He  does  not  appear  to  be  right  in  his  head. 

3d. — I  cannot  think  him  in  his  right  mind. 

4th. — He  is  beside  himself. 

5th, — Crazy.  r 

Cth. — out  of  his  reason. 

7th. — Deranged. 

8th. — Insane. 

9th.— Mad. 

10th.— Stark  mad. 

llth. — As  mad  as  a  March  hare. 

12th.— Fit  for  Bedlam. 

Verdict — Lunacy. 

The  court  to  whom  the  inquisition  was  returned,  thought  it 
a  hard  case,  as  there  was  no  other  evidence  than  his  own  con 
fession  of  being  addicted  to  books,  and  gave  leave  to  move  an 
arrest  of  judgment,  and  ordered  him  before  themselves  for 
examination. 

You  are  a  man  of  books — 

A  little  so. 


130 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


What  books  have  you  read? 

History,  divinity. 

What  is  the  characteristic  of  history? 

Fiction . 

Of  novels? 

Truth. 

Of  metaphysics?* 

Imagination. 

Of  natural  philosophy? 

Doubt. 

What  is  the  best  lesson  in  moral  philosphy  ? 

To  expect  no  gratitude. 

What  is  the  best  qualification  of  a  politician? 

Honesty. 

The  next  best? 

Knowledge. 

The  next  best? 

Fortitude. 

Who  serves  the  people  best? 

Not  always  him  that  pleases  them  most. 

It  seems  to  the  court,  said  the  Chief  Justice,  that  the  man 
is  not  altogether  mad.  He  appears  rational  in  some  of  his 
answers.  We  shall  advise  upon-  it. 

The  madman  being  out  upon  bail,  walked  about  seemingly 
disconsolate,  and  fell  in  with  a  philanthropic  person,  who  en 
deavored  to  console  him. 

You  may  think  yourself  fortunate,  said  he,  that  the  charge 
had  not  been  that  you  were  dead.  You  might  have  been  tum 
bled  into  a  coffin  and  buried,  before  you  were  aware.  When 
a  public  clamor  is  once  raised,  there  is  no  resisting  it.  People 

*  It  has  been  called  the  science  or  theory  of  the  mind.  It  is  but  in 
idea,  and  is  founded  in  fancy  or  imagination.  There  is  no  end  to 
such  theories  as  those  of  Locke,  Smith,  Stewart,  Reid.  &c.  Among 
the  best  of  these  imaginative  writers,  we  may  rank  Gerard  on  genius 
and  on  taste;  Burke  on  the  sublime  and  beautiful.  The  phrenolo 
gists  have  placed  the  science  on  a  more  solid  foundation;  at  least, 
they  have  supercooled  the  mataphysica],  and  may  jn  time  be  super 
seded  by  snnirtljing  rlso. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY. 


ttl 


will  have  the  thing  to  be  so,  lest  there  should  be  no  news.  For 
the  stagnation  of  intelligence  is  equal  to  the  [want  of  breath. 
I  will  venture  to  say,  that  in  three  days  I  could  have  it  be 
lieved  that  the  soul  had  gone  out  of  your  body,  and  that  you 
were  a  walking  mummy.  It  is  only  to  insist  upon  it  and 
spread  it,  and  a  part  will  be  credited  at  first,  and  finally  the 
whole.  Thank  fortune  that  you  are  on  your  feet  upon  the 
earth.  You  are  not  the  first  that  have  been  buried  alive. 
On  opening  a  coffin;  the  corpse  has  been  found  turned  upon  its 
face.  In  a  tomb,  it  has  been  found  out  of  the  coffin,  and  lying 
where  it  had  wandered,  thinking  to  get  out. 

Good  heavens!  said  the  madman,  this  is  enough  to  turn 
one's  brain  indeed.  I  begin  to  feel  my  head  swimming.  Is  it 
possible  that,  without  the  least  foundation,  such  a  proposition 
should  come  to  be  believed? 

Believed!  ay;  and  people  would  be  found  to  swear  to  it. 
You  have  no  conception  from  how  small  beginnings  great 
things  arise. 

Ingrediturque  solo,  et  caput  inter  nubilia  condit. 

You  have  seen  a  wood-pecker.  It  is  astonishing  how  large  a 
hole  it  makes  with  so  small  a  beak.  It  is  owing  to  successive 
impressions.  Since  common  fame  has  begun  with  you,  it  is 
lucky  it  has  taken  that  turn,  and  made  you  only  mad. 

If  that  is  the  case,  said  the  man  of  books,  I  ought  to  be 
reconciled.  It  might  have  been  worse. 

There  has  certainly  been  a  great  deal  of  vain  learning  in 
the  world,  thought  the  Captain,  and  good  natural  sense  has 
been  undervalued.  "  Too  much  learning  may  make  a  man 
mad."  It  may  give  him  a  pride  and  vanity  that  unfits  for  the 
transaction  of  practical  affairs.  I  would  rather  have  a  sober, 
sedate  man  of  common  sense,  in  public  councils,  than  a  visi 
onary  sciolist,  just  from  the  academies,  or  whose  head  is  filled 
with  idle  dreams  or  theories  engendered  in  the  closet.  But 
solid  science  is  ornamental,  as  well  as  useful,  in  a  government. 
It  is  of  great  importance  in  agriculture,  and  in  the  medical 
art.  Literary  acquirements  may  be  undervalued.  A  man 
may  not  be  a  scholar  himself,  but  he  may  have  a  son  that 


132  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

"  The  child  that  is  unborn  may  rue'' 

a  check  given  to  the  love  of  letters.  The  offspring  of  a  plain 
farmer  may  be  a  philosopher,  a  lawyer,  a  judge.  Let  not  the 
simplest  man,  therefore,  set  light  by  literary  studies.  The 
bulk  of  our  youth  are  sufficiently  disposed  to  indolence  them 
selves.  The  rivalship  of  the  states  ought  to  be  in  their  public 
foundations,  in  producing  men  of  letters.  Popular  distrusts 
of  them  ought  not  to  be  promoted.  The  coxcomb,  the  macca- 
roni,  springs  up  in  the  cities;  the  illiterate  in  the  country  vil 
lage.  Legal  knowledge  and  political  learning  are  the  stamina 
of  the  constitution.  The  preservation  of  the  constitution  is 
the  stability  of  the  state. 

Political  study  ought  to  be  the  great  object  with  the  gene 
rous  youth  of  the  republic;  not  for  the  sake  of  place  or  profit, 
but  for  the  sake  of  judging  right  and  preserving  the  constitu 
tion  inviolate.  Let  his  reward  be  the  estimation  and  gratitude 
of  his  country. 


CHAPTE  R   XXVI. 

Wherein  it  is  explained  why  the  school-master  was  not  lynched 
for  talking  Latin  in  public. 

It  will  naturally  be  asked,  considering  the  current  of  preju 
dice  against  learning,  why  Martin,  the  school-master,  was  not 
lynched  for  publicly  talking  Latin.  The  fact  is,  the  people 
did  not  know  that  it  was  Latin;  some  took  it  for  one  language, 
and  some  for  another.  Thus,  when  he  accosted  persons  in  the 
street,  with  puzzling  phrases  to  translate,  either  on  account  of 
the  peculiarity  of  the  idiom,  or  the  elipsis  of  the  sentence, 
answers  were  given  corresponding  to  the  mistake.  Thus : 

Nil  admirari 

I  do  not  understand  Spanish. 

Simplex  munditiis 

I  never  learned  Welsh. 

Ambiguoque  vultu 


It  is  Greek  to  me. 

Licrimee  rerum 

I  do  not  understand  Dutch. 

Mea  Yalentiam,  si  quia— - 

Esse  sua 

I  have  been  not  among  the  Indians. 

Parati 

Potatoes  are  very  good. 

As  for  the  blind  lawyer,  humanity  interposed  on  his  behalf, 
There  is  a  generosity  in  the  human  mind,  that  leads  even  tho 
ferocious  savage,  to  spire  the  unfortunate.  The  sovereign 
people,  like  other  sovereigns,  do  not  make  war  upon  bats.  His 
lectures  were  short,  and  did  not  cost  much.  The  loss  of 
money  leaves  a  bite  behind  \iorse  than  the  sting  of  tha  wasp. 
It  is  this  that  excites  a  prejudice  against  lawyers;  and  yet 
people  are  themselves  to  blame.  It  is  their  own  self-love,  and 
unwillingness  to  think  themselves  in  tho  wrong,  that  leads  to 
law.  Covetousness  deceives. 

0,  si  angulus  ille,  mihj  foret 

I  must  have  that  nook  of  woods  that  runs  out  there.  It  will 
make  a  calf  pasture.  Let  a  man  put  himself  in  the  place  of 
his  adversary,  before  he  views  his  own  side  of  the  question; 
he  will  then  be  more  disposed  to  compromise.  This  is  a  bles 
sed  alternative.  Where,  as  in  a  democracy  of  equals,  no  one 
is  superior,  or  has  a  right  to  command,  this  is  the  only  course 
to  avoid  open  violence;  the  majority  is  nothing  but  power;  it 
may  be  the  despotism  of  King  Numbers. 

I  admit  that  bar  oratory  is  carried  to  excess,  and  there  is  too 
much  of  it  occasonally;  it  is  valued  more  by  the  quantity  than 
the  quality.  But  there  is  a  great  deal  of  excellent  oratory  to 
be  found  at  the  bar.  There  are  stamina,  though  retrenchments 

might  be  made. 

Cum  luculeutus  flueret, 

Erat  quod  toilers  posses. 

The  great  defect  is,  the  making  many  points;  the  cat  that 
had  but  one  way  to  escape,  stood  as  good  a  chance  as  the  fox 
that  had  a  thousand.  Seize  the  turning  point  of  the  cause,  if 
it  can  be  done,  and  canvass  that.  The  stroke  of  the  eye,  or 


134  MJDERX    CniVALET. 

coup  d'ocil,  which  characterizes  the  great  general,  is  the  being 
able  to  see,  at  once,  the  commanding  point  of  the  field;  to 
abandon  the  outposts  and  concentrate  his  forces.  Why  need  a 
man  be  taking  time  to  show  in  how  many  ways  he  can  kill 
a  squirrel  ?  If  he  can  take  him  down  with  a  rifle  ball  at  once, 
it  is  enough. 

Oratory  has  no  where  a  finer  province  than  at  the  bar.  In 
a  deliberative  assembly  there  is  no  such  scope.  Questions  of 
finance  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  heart.  No  man  can  be  an 
orator  at  the  bar  that  has  not  a  burning  love  of  justice.  For 
it  is  this  gives  the  soul  of  oratory.  An  advocate  thinking 
merely  ©f  the  fee  can  be  no  orator.  The  soul  must  be  expand 
ed  by  the  love  of  virtue. 

In  a  deliberative  assembly  it  is  difficult  to  be  honest.  Party 
will  not  suffer  it.  At  a  bar  a  man  may  be  honest.  For,  in  a 
cause  he  is  supposed  to  present  his  side  of  the  argument,  and 
with  truth  in  his  statements.  The  attempting  to  hold  what  is 
not  tenable,  is  a  mark  of  weakness.  Why  then  a  prejudice 
a/gainst  lawyers?  I  exclude  attorneys,  that  are  mere  money 
gatherers;  or  professional  men,  that  screw  the  needy  and  grind 
the  faces  of  the  poor.  Such  there  always  will  be.  But  nature 
presents  nothing  good  without  an  alloy  of  evil.  And  I  am 
also  supposing  that  an  honest  lawyer  will  exercise  a  sound 
discrimination  between  a  good  and  a  bad  cause;  and  give  up 
the  bad,  at  least  push  it  no  further  than  to  see  complete  justice 
done  to  both  parties;  for  it  is  seldom  that  one  is  altogether 
wrong,  and  the  other  altogether  right. 

As  to  the  blind  fiddler,  if  it  should  be  asked  why  he  was  not 
accounted  mad;  it  was  because  he  was  not  denounced.  There 
is  a  great  deal  in  calling  out  mad  dog.  Besides,  the  insignifi 
cance  of  the  scraper  protected  him  in  the  republic.  He  was 
so  busy  scraping,  that  he  never  meddled  with  politics,  and  thia 
was  a  great  help.  And  as  he  played  every  t«ne  to  every  one 
that  asked,  having  no  predilection  for  Langolee  above  Ettrick 
Banks,  he  gave  no  offence. 

Nunquam  contra  torrentem,  brachia 

Direxif,  sic  octaginta  annos  vidit  in  aula. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  135 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

The  western  cattle  driver  and  the  city  macaroni.     Disturbance 
at  the  Frenchman's  booth.     The  oppressed  politician' 

A  cattle  driver  had  come  from  the  western  settlements,  to 
exchange  for  salt,  iron,  and  a  wife.  The  settler  went  out,  in 
the  first  instance,  with  a  rifle,  an  axe,  a  hoe  and  a  knapsack. 
Having  fixed  on  a  spot  at  a  spring  head,  the  next  thing  was  to 
fall  saplins  and  construct  a  hut.  A  small  piece  of  ground  was 
then  cleared  of  the  under-wood,  and  this  formed  into  brush 
fence  to  enclose  it.  He  returned  then  to  the  interior  of  the 
country,  and  the  next  summer  going  out  with  a  hoe  and  a  stock 
of  provisions,  on  a  pack-horse,  began  his  cultivation.  Having 
tamed  a  buffalo,  or  got  a  cow  from  Padan  Aram,  he  had  in  due 
time  milk  in  abundance.  This  put  it  into  his  head  to  get  a 
milk-maid;  in  other  words,  a  wife.  The  traders  in  this  article 
usually  chose  one  in  their  own  condition  in  life;  full  of  health, 
of  a  cheerful  disposition,  whose  dress  answered  all  the  ends  of 
fashion  without  the  affectation.  The  elbows  were  bare,  be 
cause  the  sleeves  did  not  reach;  and  the  folding  doors  of  the 
bosom  were  undrawn,  because  they  had  always  been  open. 
There  was  no  occasion  for  flesh- colored  pantaloons;  for  the 
pantaloons  were  flesh  itself,  discovered  through  the  rents  of 
the  muslin  by  the  waving  of  the  wind,  like  a  light  cloud  upon 
a  bed  of  air  in  an  April  day. 

When  these  virgins,  "nothing  loath,"  had  been  conducted 
to  the  bowers  mantled  with  the  natural  vine,  an  offspring  arose 
in  a  few  years,  such  as  that  from  whence  the  poets  have  drawn 
their  best  fictions.  You  will  have  no  occasion  to  read  Ovid's 
Metamorphoses,  to  have  an  image  of  Daphne  or  Proserpine, 
Diana  and  her  Nymphs,  the  Dryads,  Hamadryads,  or  other 
personages.  Just  cross  over  into  these  new  forests,  and  there 
you  have  them  in  reality;  maids  bathing  their  snow  limbs  in 


_     <:  ,  . 

136  MUDERX    CHIVALRY. 

'•^jfc 

transparent  streams;  climbing  the  mountain  top,  collecting 
flowers,  or  gathering  the  berries  of  the  wood,  ivature  is  here 
in  her  bloom,  no  decay  or  decrepitude.  All  fragrancy,  health 
and  vivacity. 

The  stripling  of  these  woods  is  distinguished  from  the  city 
beau;  but  it  will  not  become  me  to  say  who  has  the  advantage; 
whether  the  attitude  of  the  presented  rifle,  or  that  of  the  segar 
in  the  teeth,  is  the  most  manly?  "Which  looks  best,  the 
hunting-shirt  open  at  the  neck,  or  the  roll  of  muslin  that  cov 
ers  it  and  swells  upon  the  chin  ?  These  are  things  to  be  can 
vassed  by  the  curious.  I  am  of  opinion,  however,  that  it  is 
better  to  be  clear-sighted  than  purblind,  and  to  be  able  to  see  a 
deer  in  a  thicket,  than  to  have  need  of  a  glass  before  the  nose, 
to  direct  the  steps  where  there  is  nothing  to  stumble  over! 

It  can  be  no  slur  upon  the  descendant  of  a  western  settler, 
that  his  mother  was  obtained  in  this  primitive  manner,  with 
her  hair  descending  to  to  her  girdle,  or  waving  in  ringlets  on 
her  shoulders;  and  the  moisture  of  her  eye  brightened  with  a 
tear  at  the  emigration;  when  he  considers,  that  in  all  places 
matrimony,  to  use  the  pun  of  Bishop  Latimer,  has  been  in  a 
great  degree  a  matter  of  money;  and  the  consideration  of  the 
contract  not  always  what  the  lawyers  call  a  good  considera 
tion,  that  is  affection,* 

A  noise  was  now  heard  in  another  quarter.  It  was  occa 
sioned  by  a  brick-bat  which  had  fallen  from  the  heavens,  or  the 
top  of  a  chimney;  or  been  thrown  by  some  one,  which  is  just 
as  likely,  and  hit  the  stall  of  an  honest  Frenchman,  who  sold 
hair  powder,  essences,  pomatum,  and  shaving  soap.  He  con 
strued  it  an  insult,  and  insisted  upon  knowing  what  no  one 
could  inform  him  of,  or  if  they  could,  were  not  disposed  to  do 
it;  that  is,  whence  it  came.  Diable!  diable!  said  he  in  a  rage' 

*  There  can  be  no  doubt  of  the  improvement  in  form  and  feature, 
of  those  born  and  brought  up  in  a  healthy  wooded  country,  of  hills 
and  valleys,  with  a  fertile  soil,  like  that  on  the  Ohio  river  and  its 
tributaries.  Abundance  of  wholesome  food,  labor  moderate,  and 
exercise  in  the  open  air,  will  account  for  the  evident  physical  im. 
provements  in  the  natives  of  the  west. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  lo*' 

Si  j'  etois  d'en  la  France!     If  I  vere  in  my  own  contreel  .  L« 
miserable  police.     Dis  contree  has  une  ver  bad  police. 

A  F  enfer — Foutre,  foutre,  foutre.  A  F  enfer — go  to  de  hell. 

Parce,  que  je  suis  un  jacobin.  I  be  de  jacobin.  Dis  is  de 
enrage.  Till  kill  all  de  honest  republican. 

Ah!  Messieurs  aristocrats;  c' est  que  vous  voulez  me  tuer. 
C'  est  une  terrible  conspiration.  It  vill  make  ver  great  noise 
in  de  republique. 

Civility  to  a  foreigner,  induced  the  multitude  to  interpose, 
and  endeavor  to  pacify.  But  strangers  are  jealous,  and  it  was 
an  hour  before  he  could  be  persuaded  by  some  that  spoke  the 
language,  to  believe  that  the  thing  might  have  been  a  matter 
of  accident.  He  had  threatened  to  make  a  representation  to 
the  government,  and  demand  the  interposition  of  the  execu 
tive. 

There  is  reason  to  think  he  had  dropped  it,  as  we  have  seen 
no  diplomatic  correspondence  on  the  subjet. 

Exhibiting  under  a  canvass  tent  were  a  company  of  strolling 
performers;  some  doing  sleight  of  hand,  others  tumbling,  and 
a  fiddler  playing,  accompanied  by  a  banjo  and  tambourine, 
and  giving  occasionally  a  comic  song.  By  way  of  something 
original,  a  harlequin  represented  a  politician,  groaning  and 
incurvated,  as  under  the  pressure  of  some  extraordinary  bur 
den.  When  some  one  equired  what  was  the  matter,  he  replied 
that  he  was  carrying  the  commonwealth  on  his  shoulders. 

I  like  burlesque  very  well,  said  a  spectator.  A  man  must 
imagine  himself  Atlas,  forsooth,  with  the  heavens  on  his 
shoulders !  The  people  would  walk  on  their  feet  if  he  would 
let  thtm  alone.  What  matters  it  if  by  attempting  to  sustain 
them  he  gets  his  rump  broke? 

That  is  all  the  thanks  a  patriot  ever  got,  said  a  man  who  had 
lost  his  electien. 

Are  not  the  people  strong  enough  of  themselves?  said  the 
spectator. 

Strength  of  mind  is  improvable,  said  a  thinking  man.  Hence 
strength  of  mind  differs  more  than  strength  of  body.  The 
aggregate  of  mind  is  one  thing,  and  a  distinguished  mind 
another.  It  is  not  so  absurd  to  suppose  that  one  mind,  in  a 


138 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


particular  case,  may  excel  another.  The  social  compact  is  a 
noble  study.  He  who  has  devoted  himself  to  it,  may  be  sup 
posed  to  have  made  some  progress.  Why  should  he  not  have 
credit  for  his  good  intentions?  Why  make  him  the  object  of 
a  public  exhibition,  because  he  thinks  himself  the  support  of 
the  community?  Public  spirit  ought  to  be  supported,  and 
hints  well  meant,  well  taken.  It  is  but  an  innocent  hypocon- 
driasis,  for  a  man  to  apprehend  that  he  is  doing  good  by  his 
lucubrations.  That  he  is  a  pillar  of  the  commonwealth. 

See  how  he  grins  and  balances,  said  the  spectator,  speaking 
of  the  harlequin,  because  he  thinks  the  people  are  too  much 
to  the  one  side. 

It  is  an  easy  matter  to  turn  even  virtue  into  ridicule,  said 
the  thinking  man.  But  selfishness  was  never  an  amiable 
quality.  And  can  th3re  be  a  nobler  effort  of  benevolence  than 
to  seek  the  public  good?  If  one  individual  misses  it,  another 
hits,  and  the  principle  is  salutary.  It  is  not  him  that  sails 
with  the  wind  of  popular  opinion  that  always  consults  the 
interests  of  the  populace.  At  the  same  time,  I  am  for  keepirg 
up  the  spirit  of  the  people.  It  is  the  atmosphere  of  liberty. 
And  though  this  atmosphere  is  the  region  of  lightning,  and 
engenders  storms,  jet  in  it  we  breathe  and  have  our  being 
But  I  speak  of  the  angel  that  guides  the  hurricane;  the  gcod 
man  of  more  temperate  counsels;  and  who,  from  age,  experi 
ence,  or  extent  of  thought,  sees  the  consequence  of  things,  and 
applies  the  prudence  of  restraint  to  the  common  mind,  in  the 
violence  of  its  emotions. 

Why  shall  we  censure  such  a  man,  should  he  indulge  the 
ambition  of  restraining  the  people;  or  rather  of  supporting 
them  by  counselling  moderation?  He  is  sometimes  the  best 
friend  that  reproves.  A  flatterer  never  was  a  friend.  The 
caricature  of  a  man  having  the  people  on  his  back,  is  an 
aristocratic  fetch  to  disceurage  a  love  for  the  people,  and  a 
disposition  to  promote  their  real  interest.  This  harlequin  is 
set  on  by  the  enemies  of  the  people,  and  with  a  view  to  dis 
parage  republican  exertions.  Now,  unmixed  and  unqualified 
satire  is  worse  than  base  and  fulsome  flattery. 

The  spectator  was  silent. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  13$ 

While  the  harlequin  was  acting  the  oppressed  politician, 
a  pedlar  had  thrown  himself  into  nearly  a  similar  position; 
and  though  it  may  appear  strange,  an  accidental  conjunction 
of  attitude.  He  had  got  his  stall  on  his  back,  and  gave  out 
that  he  had  taken  an  oath,  not  to  set  it  down  until  the  people 
at  the  fair  had  bought  off  all  his  gools.  He  was  on  his  hands 
and  feet,  and  bellowing  like  the  bull  of  Phalaris,  affecting  to 
be  overcome  with  the  load  of  his  pack.  The  people  out  of 
humanity,  credulous  to  his  distress,  came  from  every  quarter 
to  hear  his  complaint  and  ease  him  of  his  goods.  A  partner 
was  handing  out  the  merchandize,  and  disposing  to  the  custo 
mers,  as  fast  as  he  could  come  at  the  articles.  The  back-bent 
man,  in  the  meantime,  in  his  inclined  posture,  was  gathering 
up  the  dollars  thrown  upon  the  ground,  and  putting  them  into 
his  hat;  not  omitting  the  groans  necessary  to  attract  a  contin 
uance  of  commisseraiion. 

Christian  people,  said  he,  ease  me  of  my  wares,  or  I  shall 
have  to  break  my  back,  or  to  break  my  oath. 

You 'had  better  break  your  oath  than  your  back,  said  a  man 
passing  by;  I  have  no  money  to  throw  away  upon  a  rogue. 

A  rogue!  said  the  burthened  man.  If  I  were  a  rogue  I 
could  break  my  oath;  but  it  is  conscience  keeps  me  here.  I 
cannot  break  my  oath,  and  my  back  must  be  broke.  Help, 
good  people,  help;  buy  my  wares  and  ease  me  of  my  load. 

You  son  of  a ,  said  a  rude  man,  cannot  you  stand  up, 

and  your  pack  will  fall  off? 

Ay,  but  it  is  my  oath,  said  the  pedlar,  that  keeps  it  on,  until 
all  my  goods  be  bought. 

It  ish  a  tarn  sheat,  said  an  honest  German.  He  ish  a  liar 
and  a  roke.  His  pack  ish  light  als  a  fedder,  mit  shilks  and 
such  dings  dat  veigh  noting.  He  is  a  tarn  fheat  and  a  roke. 

I  am  muckle  o'  your  way  o'  thinking,  said  Donald  Bain,  the 
weaver.  It's  a  stratagem  to  get  his  hands  into  folks'  pockets, 
and  wile  awa'  the  penny.  The  deil  an  aith  he  has  ta'en  Ifc  is 
a'  a  forgery. 

It  ish  a  devlish  condrivance,  said  the  German. 
It  is  all  de  love  of  raonish,  paid  a  Jew.     Ilia  conscience  is 
monish. 


CHIVALRY. 


Nevertheless  credulity  prevailed,  and  some  continued  to  pur 

chase. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

This  chapter  will  be  read  because  it  ii  short. 

THE  moral  of  the  distressed  politician  is  obvious  to  every  one- 
It  is  natural  for  one  to  suppose  that  this  world  cannot  do  with 
out  us.  0,  what  will  they  do  when  we  are  gone?  is  the  lan 
guage  of  every  man's  heart,  in  some  way  or  other.  I  will 
venture  to  say,  there  are  chimney-sweepers  who  think  that  all 
go  to  pot  when  they  drop  off.  Yet  the  world  goes  on  its  gud 
geons,  and  all  things  that  are  therein  revolve  just  as  before. 

What  will  we  do  for  a  general?  said  one,  when  LaFayette 
went  off  to  Gedan. 

What?  when  Dumourier  went  off,  said  another. 

He  may  be  yet  in  the  ranks  who  will  terminate  the  revolu 
tion,  replied  a  third. 

It  came  nearly  to  pass;  for  the  Corsican  was  at  that  time 
but  in  the  low  grade  of  what  we  call  a  subaltern. 

I  have  reflected  with  myself  whence  it  is  that  men  of  slow 
minds  and  moderate  capacities,  and  with  less  zeal  and  perhaps 
less  principle,  execute  offices  and  sustain  functions  with  less 
exception  than  others  of  more  vigor  and  exertion;  and  I  find 
it  owing  to  a  single  secret—  laissez  nous  faire — that  is,  let  sub 
ordinates  do  a  great  deal  on  their  own  responsibility.  "lie  is 
right;"  it  is  well;  and  if  it  is  wrong,  self-love  saves  the  error. 
Men  had  rather  be  suffered  to  be  wrong,  than  to  be  set  right 
ftgainst  their  wills.  What  errors  of  stupidity  have  I  seen  in 
life,  in  the  small  compass  of  mj  experience,  and  the  sphere  of 
my  information?  and  these  errors  the  object  of  indulgence, 
because  there  was  nothing  said  or  done  to  wound  the  pride  of 
the  employer.  This  is  a  lesson  to  human  pride  and  vanity. 
It  is  a  lesson  of  prudence  to  overweening  self-confideuce.  The 
sun  lets  every  planet  take  its  course;  and  so  did  General  Wash- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY?  141 

ington.  That  was  the  happy  faculty  that  made  him  popular. 
The  fort  of  this  truly  great  man  was,  in  some  degree,  the  lais- 
BCZ  faire,  the  not  interfering  too  muc,h. 

Yet  the  lovers  of  an  art  may  be  excused  in  being  hurt  when 
they  see  the  artist  err.  The  lovers  of  the  public  may  deserve 
praise,  who  wish  to  set  the  world  right  and  do  a  little  towards 
ife.  It  is  the  error  of  vigorous  and  generous  minds,  to  say  the 
least  of  it,  and  oftentimes  the  excess  of  virtue. 

Sometimes  it  is  an  instinctive  impulse  of  public  spirit,  tkat 
cannot  be  resisted.  Alcibiades  was  superseded  in  the  com 
mand  of  the  Athenian  army,  but  remaining  in  the  neighbor 
hood,  could  not  avoid  pointing  out  to  the  generals  who  succeed 
ed  him  and  who  were.his  enemies,  the  errors  they  were  about 
to  commit;  and  which  advice  neglecting,  they  were  overthrown 
with  their  forces,  by  the  Lacedemonians  under  the  conduct  of 
Lysander,  and  disgraced.  Moroau,  though  superseded  by  the 
directory,  and  serving  onLy  as  a  volunteer,  stepped  forward  to 
an  unauthorized  command,  and  saved  the  army  on  the  defeat 
and  death  of  Joubert. 

The  critic  will  say,  what  can  there  be  in  such  representa 
tions?  We  do  not  write  altogether  for  grave  or  even  grown 
men;  our  book  is  not  for  a  day  only.  We  mean  it  for  the 
coming  generation,  as  well  as  the  present;  and  intending  solid 
observations,  we  interlard  pleasantry  to  .make  the  boys  read. 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 

The  close  of  the  Fair.     The  Captain  meets  iviih   Oconama.    A 
ludicrous  mistake  from  the  name. 

As  the  Captain  was  going  carelessly  through  the  Fair,  he 
saw  a  tall  thin^raan,  of  a  lean  visage  and  sallow  complexion, 
talking  at  a  stall  with  a  chapman.  He  had  under  his  arm  a 
piece  of  new,  or,  a&  it  is  called,  green  linen.  In  fact  ho  was 
a  weaver,  and  had  linen  cloth,  as  he  called  it,  to  sell.  For  he 
was  what  wo  call  a  Scotch-Irishman,  and  of  the  name  of  Oeo- 


142  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

nama,  which  is  not  a  Scotch-Irish  name,  but  an  aboriginal 
patronymic;  nevertheless  it  came  to  be  his  name,  perhaps  by 
the  mother's  side. 

He  had  on  what  we  call  a  spencer,  that  is,  a  coat  with  the 
tail  docked;  though  some  have  this  kind  of  garb  made  so  in 
the  first  instance;  that  is,  juste  au  corps,  or  jacket  to  go  over 
the  coat,  instead  of  being  under  it;  so  that  it  seems  to  be  but 
half  a  coat. 

Now  Oconama  is  prenounced  with  the  final  vowel  soft;  and 
hearing  it  so  pronounced,  the  Captain  took  it  to  be  Economy; 
especially  as  he  saw  that  the  dress  corresponded  with  the  des 
ignation;  and  the  small  scratch  wig  on  his  head  but  half  cov 
ered  his  brown  hair,  which  was  seen  underneath,  supplying 
the  defect  of  covering  by  the  caul,  which  was  of  a  suspicious 
brown  color,  and  had  but  a  few  straggling  hairs  on  the  top  of 
it,  which  was  otherwise  as  bald  as  the  pate  of  a  Capuchin. 

Mr.  Economy,  said  the  Captain,  for  such  I  see  you  are,  and 
I  might  have  known  you,  even  if  I  had  not  heard  your  name, 
I  am  right  glad  to  have  fallen  in  with  you;  having  often  heard 
of  you,  and  wishing  to  see  you  and  to  be  acquainted.  There 
was  said  to  be  great  want  of  you,  a  Tew  years  ago,  under  the 
presidency  of  John  Adams,  who  though  a  good  man,  yet  it  has 
been  understood,  did  not  sufficiently  consult  you.  I  am  glad 
to  hear  that  you  are  in  request  with  President  Jefferson;  tho* 
it  may  be,  as  some  say,  that  he  consults  you  too  much,  and 
that  you  carry  things  too  far 

Adams!  said  Oconama;  I  was  not  in  the  country  when 
Adams  was  President. 

The  more  the  pity,  said  the  Captain;  there  was  great  want  of 
you.  You  were  much  called  for.  There  is  a  want  of  economy, 
said  one.  There  is  no  economy,  said  another.  But  I  am  hap 
py  that  you  are  now  here.  Great  things  were  expected  from 
you,  and  great  things  you  have  done.  But  there  are  good  men 
who  think,  to  use  their  own  phrase,  that  we  are  economizing 
overmuch,  and^that  by  the  weight  of  your  reputation  you  have 
misled  our  councils,  in  some  particulars.  A  judiciary  law  was 
said  to  be  repealed  on  the  principle  of  economy.  Theconstitu- 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  143 

tionality  of  the  repeal  has  been  questioned,  much  mor3  the  expe 
diency.  The  suitors  are  obliged  to  come  from  the  most  remote 
parts  of  a  state  to  some  one  place  where  the  circuit  court  is 
held,  which  under  that  law  was  brought,  if  not  to  their  own 
doors,  yet  at  least  nearer  home.  The  constitution  must  be 
amended  as  to  the  jurisdiction  of  the  Federal  courts,  or  a  like 
law  must  be  re-established.  The  army  has  been  reduced  on 
the  principle  of  economy;  the  marine  also.  Our  armed  ves 
sels  have  been  sold  off,  and  turned  into  merchantmen.  Hence 
a  petit  guerre  with  the  Bashaw  of  Tripoli,  for  several  years, 
whom  we  could  have  put  down  and  burnt  up  like  a  wap's  nest, 
if  we  had  kept  our  ships  and  men  together.  But  I  will  not  say 
that  there  was  not  good  reason  at  the  time,  to  justify  the 
retrenchment,  I  mean  appearances  were  such  as  to  justify  it. 
It  is  easy  to  judge  after  the  event,  and  though  I  think  the 
thing  was  wrong,  yet  I  do  not  arraign  the  motive.  The  public 
mind  leaned  so  strongly  to  retrenchments,  and  called  for  it  so 
loudly,  that  it  was  not  easy  to  resist  it.* 

But  the  spirit  of  economy  is  said  to  have  invaded  the  legisla 
tive  part  of  the  administration,  and  to  be  about  to  fall  upon 
the  executive  itself,  in  the  reducion  of  salaries;  and  not  the 
administration  of  the  general  government  only,  but  of  the 
states,  confederate  and  subordinate.  For  imitation  is  the  facul 
ty  of  man;  and  we  imitate  those  whom  we  respect.  Hence  it  is 
that  we  everywhere  hear  of  economy.  An  old  woman  cannot 
set  a  hen  to  hatch  but  on  the  principle  of  economy.  It  is  a 
check  to  all  improvement  in  any  system.  Now  query,  Mr. 
Economy,  whether  this  may  not  be  carrying  things  too  far?  I 
know  well  that  fault  will  be  found  with  all  measures.  For  all 
systems  have  their  drawbacks.  This  world  that  we  inhabit 

*  The  author,  although  a  friend  to  the  administration  of  Jefferson, 
differed  from  him  on  the  policy  of  retrenching  the  army  and  navy, 
and  repealing  thej  udieiary,  in  consequence  of  the  popular  cry  of 
economy.  This  had  been  one  of  the  means  of  turning  out  the  former 
administration;  and  the  new,  when  in  powei',  for  the  sake  of  consis 
tency,  was  obliged  to  practise  on,  however  reluctantly.  It  became 
pnrsimony  when  carried  to  the  opposite  extreme. 


144  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

has  its  physical  and  moral  evil,  though  the  work  of  infinite 
wisdom.  What  perfection,  then,  can  we  expect  from  man? 
But  it  is  well  to  weigh,  and  to  know  whether  what  is  attempt 
ed,  comes  as  near  as  may  be  expedient.  This  is  all  I  have  in 
view.  You  have  been  praised,  and  you  are  blamed;  and  so  it 
has  been  with  all  men,  in  all  ages,  who  have  endeavored  to 
serve  the  public.  Their  integrity  and  their  exertions  have  not 
been  sufficient  to  secure  them  against  obloquy. 

Romulus  et  liber  Pater,  et  cum  Castore  Pollux, 
Post  ingentia  facta,  Deorum  in  templa  recepti, 
Dam  terras  homiuumque  colunt  genus,  aspera  bella 
Compouunt,  agros  assignant,  oppida  coudunt ; 
Ploravere  suis  non  respondere  favorem 
Speratum  mentis, * 

The  weaver,  at  this  rhapsody,  especially  the  last  part,  the 
Latin  sentence,  stood  amazed,  with  his  eyes  staring  and  his 
mouth  open.  He  took  him  for  the  madman  of  whom  he  had 
heard,  and  who  had  been  said  to  have  been  tried  that  day, 
and,  on  the  principle  of  self-preservation,  if  not  of  economy, 
began  to  recede  and  to  ensconce  himself  behind  the  pedlar, 
who  accosting  the  Captain,  took  upon  him  to  explain. 

It  must  be  a  mistake  of  the  person,  said  the  chapman,  this 
is  not  the  man  you  take  him  to  be. 

Who  is  he  then?  said  the  Captain.  It  is  not  Gallatin;  f  for 
Gallatin  does  not  wear  a  wig,  as  I  have  understood,  but  his 
own  hair;  and  Madison  J  is  a  small  man. 

It  is  neither  Gallatin  nor  Madison,  said  the  pedlar,  but  an 
acquaintance  of  mine  from  the  county  of  Wicklow,  in  Ireland. 

*Of  this  Smart's  translation  is  as  follows: 

'•'  Romulus  and  Father  Bacchus,  and  Castor  and  Pollux,  after  great 
achievements,  received  into  the  temple  of  the  gods,  while  they  were 
improving  the  world  and  human  nature,  composing  fierce  dissen 
sions,  settling  property,  building  cities;  lamented  that  the  esteem 
they  might  have  expected,  was  iut  paid  in  proportion  to  th.jir  mer 
its." 

tSecretary  of  tin  Traanury.  J  S3crftnry  of  Sutc. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  145 

He  has  been  in  this  country  about  two  months,  and  has  never 
seen  Jefferson,  or  given  him  advice  to  do  good  or  harm. 

I  ask  his  pardon,  said  the  Captain.  Calling  him  Economy, 
I  took  it  to  be  him  that  is  said  to  be  at  the  seat  of  government, 
helping  on  with  retrenchments  and  expenditures.  His  garb 
corresponded  with  his  designation,  as  he  seemed  to  cut  his 
coat  according  to  his  cloth;  and  had  curtailed  the  dimensions 
of  his  periwig,  substituting  a  little  of  his  own  hair,  or  rather, 
letting  it  grow,  to  make  amends  for  the  want  of  caul,  which, 
bald  as  it  is,  comes  but  half  way  down  his  occiput  and  leaves 
his  neck  bare. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

Containing  reflections. 

IT  would  be  gratifying  to  myself,  and  it  might  be  of  use  to 
others,  to  give  some  notes  of  political  history  in  this  state. 
Those  just  grown  up,  or  lately  come  amongst  us  from  abroad, 
would  better  understand  why  it  is  that  democracy  has  been 
occasionally  the  order  of  the  day,  and  again  put  down.  It  has 
always  had  numbers  oa  its  side,  and  yet  it  has  not  always  pos 
sessed  the  administration.  I  use  the  term  democracy  as  con 
tradistinguished  from  the  aristocracy;  that  is,  a  union  of  men 
of  wealth  and  influence. 

In  the  state  constitution  of  1776,  the  democracy  prevailed  in 
carrying  a  single  legislature;  but  this  laid  the  foundation  of 
their  overthrow;  because  experience  proved  that  it  was  wrong. 
"Wisdom  is  justified  of  all  her  children." 

The  constitution  of  1776  gave  way  to  that  of  1790,  and  the 
aristoora  jy  obtained  the  ascendancy;  or  rather  having  obtained 
it,  they  brought  about  a  convention,  and  carried  the  constitu 
tion  of  1790,  which  is  the  present.  But  connecting  themselves 
with  the  errors  of  the  administration  of  the  federal  govern 
ment,  in  1797, 1798,  they  lost  the  state  administration,  and  tho 
democracy  prevailed.  Five  years  has  it  retained  the  adminia-* 


146  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

tration,  and  will   an  interminable   time,  provided  that  wise 
measures  are  pursued  and  justice  done;  but  no  locger. 

This  I  am  not  addressing  to  the  legislature  or  executive 
power  of  the  government,  but  to  the  people.  It  is  for  them 
my  book  is  intended.  Not  for  the  representatives  of  a  year  or 
four  years,  but  for  themselves.  It  is  Tom,  Dick  and  Harry,  in 
the  woods,  that  I  want  to  read  my  book.  I  do  not  care  though, 
the  delegated  authorities  never  see  it.  I  will  not  say  it  is  to 
their  masters  that  I  write,  for  I  reprobate  the  phrase  I  have 
no  idea  of  masters  or  servants  in  a  republic.  But  it  is  to  their 
constituents  that  I  consider  myself  as  applying  the  observa 
tions  that  I  make.  I  wish  the  democracy  supported,  which 
can  be  done  only  on  the  basis  of  wisdom,  which  contains  in  it 
truth  and  justice. 

Error  is  always  weakness.  Integrity  cannot  save  error  It 
can  only  reduce  it  from  misdemeanor  to  frailty.  In  what  is 
the  democracy  likely  to  err?  How  do  men  err  when  they  run 
from  one  extreme  to  another?  There  maybe  an  extreme  in 
economy  as  well  as  in  expenditure.  The  economists  are  a 
good  description  of  persons;  but  they  are  not  always  the  illu- 
minati.  There  is  such  a  thing  as  economy  over-much.  A 
man  of  spirit  and  enterprise  in  his  private  affairs,  will  be  sen 
sible  that  it  is  no  economy  to  stint  his  laborers  of  wages,  or  to 
higgle  in  his  bargains.  More  depends  upon  judgment,  and 
expansion  of  mind  in  his  plans,  than  in  niggardliness  in  his 
contracts.  Laying  out  well,  brings  in  and  improves  his  plan 
tation.  The  same  observation  applies  to  public  improvements. 
The  federal  government,  in  the  opinion  of  some,  taxed  too 
much  or  injudiciously.  We  will  not  tax  at  all.  Ilather  than 
tax,  we  will  bend  our  minds  to  reduce  offices  and  salaries;  at 
a  time,  too,  when  the  purchase  of  commodities  proves  to  us 
that  the  value  of  money  is  reduced,  and  the  price  of  living 
advanced  one  half.  The  jurisdiction  of  the  justices  of  the 
peace  proves  this;  fur  it  must  have  been  a  good  deal  on  this 
ground,  that  it  has  been  increased  from  fifty,  or  thereabouts, 
to  one  hundred  dollars.  But  it  is  not  merely  the  reduction  of 
offices  and  salaries  that  is  the  evil,  but  the  wounding  a  princi 
ple  of  the  constitution;  or  straining  a  principle  to  get  quit  of 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  147 

these.  For  it  cannot  bo"  dissembled,  that  it  is  broached  in 
many  places,  to  overthrow  the  whole  judiciary  establishment, 
and  put  men  upon  the  bench  that  will  take  the  honor  of  it  for 
the  compensation.  This  might  look  well  at  the  first  glance; 
but  it  would  ultimately  destroy  the  democracy  by  which  it  was 
accomplished.  But  suppose  nothing  of  this  in  contemplation 
or  attempted;  who  are  they  that  oppose  an  amelioration  of  the 
judicial  system,  competent  to  an  administration  of  justice,  by 
an  increase  of  the  districts  or  the  judges?  The  economists. 
Though  it  can  do  demonstrated  that  a  pound  is  lost  to  the 
community  where  a  penny  is  saved.  But  it  does  not  come  by 
direct  tax,  but  by  insensible  filching,  in  the  way  of  the  expen 
ses  of  attending  courts. 

But  the  justice  of  the  thing  is  more;  the  dispatch  of  trial 
and  decison.  The  delay  of  justice  is  the  denial  of  justice. 
The  object  was  attained  under  Alfred  the  Great,  by  the  divi 
sion  of  the  people  into  tens,  hundreds,  and  thousands.  Our 
divisions  into  counties,  townships,  boroughs,  towns,  and  cities, 
have  the  same  object  in  view.  In  our  republic,  these  are  the 
schools  where  the  people  learn  self-government  practically.  It 
would  be  for  the  credit  of  the  democratic  administration  to 
have  just  ideas  on  this  head.  There  are  amongst  them  who 
have;  but  it  is  not  universal.  The  fact  IP,  that  it  will  not 
always  be  borne,  and  their  adversaries  will  triumph. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

Conversation  between  Captain  Farrago  and  the  Principal  of  the 
Academy,  on  the  subject  of  education.  Suddenly  broken  off  by 
a  casualty. 

BY  way  of  variety,  we  shall  here  relate  a  conversation  be 
tween  Captain  Farrago  and  the  principal  of  the  Academy,  or, 
as  it  was  called,  the  College.  It  was  on  the  subject  of  educa 
tion;  not  education  generally,  but  particular  points  of  acar 
demic  instruction. 


148 


J40DEUN    CB1VALRT. 


I  do  not  like,  said  the  Captain,  thejenjoming,  or  huposiug, 
tojuse  a  stronger  term,  tasks  of  original  composition.  It  is  well 
to  instruct  in  grammar,  and  the  elements  of  writing,  so  far  as 
respects  arrangement,  perspicuity,  and  the  choice  of  proper 
words;~and  in  this  I  have  but  one  rule,  which  is  to  think  first, 
and  endeavoi\to,have  a  clear  idea,  and  then  to  put"it  down  in 
such  expression  as  to  be  best  understood.  The  definition  of 
style  given  by  Swift  cannot  be  surpassed;  "proper  words  in 
proper  places."  And  for  this"  purpose  translation  is  the  best 
exercise.  It  is  absurd  to  require  of  youth  thoughts  before  they 
have  any,  or  at  least,  correct  thoughts.  Help  me  out  with  my 
description  assist  [me  with  rny  theme,  says  one.  What  shall 
I  do  for  an  oration?  says  another.  Is  it  ever  a  complaint  in 
common  life,  that  men  want  tongues?  Are  you  obliged  to  urge 
them  write  in  newspapers?  The  difficulty ^is  to  keep  them  from 
it.  They  will  be  talking  and  scribbling,  before  they  know 
what  to  say  or  to  write.  But  we  begin  our  system  of  errors  at 
the  very  schools.  The  student  must  compose.  It  is  true  we  have 
improved  upon  the  system  of  the  last  century,  in  this  partic 
ular;  and  do  not  now  insist  upon  it  that  it  shall  be  in  verse.  It 
is  sufficient  that  it  be  in  prose.  I  mean,  that  making  Latin 
hexameters,  or  English  hendecasyllables,  are  not  now  a  task. 
But  it  still  remains  that  boys  must  write.  And  yet  the  poet 
which  you  put  into  their  hands  says — 

Recto  scribeudi,  sapere  pvincipium  est,  et  fons. 

Good  sense  is  the  foundation  of  good  writing. 

I  do  not  much  like  your  declaiming  in  colleges,  though 
doubtless  the  ancients  had  this  practice. 

Ut  inter  discipulos  plores,  et  Jeclamatio  fias. 

But  is  this  arbitrary  speaking  calculated  for  any  other  purpose 
but  to  make  a  pedant?  You  must  stretch  out  your  hand  at 
this;  you  must  draw  up  your  leg  at  that.  Here  you  must  say 
ah !  there,  oh  !  It  is  the  feeling  of  the  heart  only  that  gives 
attitudes,  it  is  passion  only  that  can  swell  out  the  breast,  or 
agitate  the  members.  I  have  seen  an  old  woman  angry,  or 
moved  with  grief,  play  the  orator  very  naturally.  The  emo 
tions  of  her  spirit  distends  the  armband  stretches  out  the  mus- 


MODERN   CHIYALR1T.  149 

cles.  She  clenches  her  fist  at  the  proper  period,  and  lays  her 
emphases  upon  the  proper  words.  She  says  oh!  or  ah  !  in  ita 
proper  place,  without  being  taught  it  by  rule  or  pedagogue. 
Pcission  blows  a  man  up  like  bladder.  He  grows  as  big  as 
himself.  His  hair  rises  on  his  head  and  hia  breast  heaves. 
Will  rules  give  a  man  passion  ?  Will  a  man  that  feels  stand 
in  need  of  rules  ? 

I  perceive,  ^Captain,  said  the  Principal,  that*  you  are  no 
slouch  at  supporting  a  paradox.  Polybius  tells  us,  that  the 
Romans  exercised  themselves  on  shore,  learning  to  keep  stroke 
and  to  feather  their  oars,  while  their  gallies  were  building,  to 
encounter  the  Carthagenians  in  the  first  Punic  war.  Can  it  be 
of  no  use  to  stretch  the  joints  a  little,  even  without  passion? 
Or  cannot  passion  be  called  up  by  the  exertion  of  the  speaker, 
even  in  a  feigned  case?  It  is  something  to  accustom  youth  to 
stand  up  and  face  an  audience.  At  all  events,  it  is  an  amuse 
ment,  and  it  caa  do  no  harm  to  the  boys  to  spout  a  little.  At 
the  same  time,  it  is  no  proof  of  eminence  in  real  speaking  that 
the  youth  spouts  well.  For  that,  as  you  say,  must  come  from 
sentiment  and  feeling.  But  there  is  something  in  the  habit  of 
declaiming,  at  least  to  assist  the  voice  and  gesture.  Every 
faculty  that  we  possess  requires  exercise.  No  one  can  be  per 
fect  at  once,  but  by  the  want  of  use  a  faculty  may  be  absolutely 
lost.  There  must  be  a  beginning;  if  the  youth  should  never 
try  to  write,  he  would  never  learn  to  write  at  all.  You  might 
as  well  expect  him  to  learn  to  swim,  by  looking  at  or  thinking 
about  swimming.  But  I  have  always  thought  it  preposterous 
in  our  Young  Ladies'  Academies,  to  put  little  misses  forward 
to  speak.  I  have  thought  it  an  indelicacy  to  suffer  them  to 
declaim.  It  is  unnatural;  for  what  occasion  can  they  have  to 
harrangue? 

I  am  of  the  same  opinion,  said  the  Captain,  I  could  never 
approve  in  a  family,  to  see  a  little  miss  called  up  by  a  silly 
mother,  or  a  weak  father,  to  hold  out  her  hand  and  speak  a 
passage  which  the  blockhead  of  a  teacher  had  instructed  her 
'to  commit  to  memory.  It  is  indelicate  and  out  of  nature.  To 
what  assists  the  memory  I  have  no  objection.  But  for  this 
purpose  there  are  sentences  in  the  Scriptures,  in  the  Proverbs 

12* 


150 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


of  Solomon,  especially;  in  the  Gospels  and  the  writings  of  St. 
Paul.  In  Shakespeare  are  fine  thoughts,  drawn  from  human 
nature;  moral  observations,  consolatory  or  instructive.  Let 
them  be  got  by  memory,  because  recollected,  they  will  guide, 
conduct,  or  embellish  conversation.  These  would  be  a  good 
iubstitute  for  catechisms,  containing  points  of  faith  which  the 
young  mind  cannot  comprehend,  and  the  divines  dispute  about 
themselves.  Catechisms  might  be  laid  up  for  grown  persons. 
The  fact  is,  the  early  catechumeni  were  all  grown  persons.  It 
was  not  until  the  time  of  John  Knox,  that  they  began  to  teach 
children  the  dogmata  of  the  scholastic  theology.  The  Jews 
had  it  in  command  from  Moses,  to  teach  their  children  senten 
ces,  or  precepts  of  the  law.  They  were  taught  to  bind  them 
on  their  arms,  or  about  their  necks,  in  slips  of  writing,  whicb 
they  called  phylacteries.  But  do  we  hear  of  teaching  them 
the  Talmud  of  Jonathan,  or  the  Targum  of  Ben  Onkelos?  The 
commentaiies  of  Rabbi  David,  or  Eben  Ezra  the  Jew,  never 
superseded  amongst  them  th.3  precepts  of  the  decalogue. 

I  had  no  idea,  Captain,  said  the  principal,  that  you  had  so 
much  knowledge  of  the  Pentateuch. 

A  little  only,  said  the  Captain.  But  I  go  on  to  observe  that 
in  Turkey,  they  commit  to  memory  only  the  moral  lessons  of 
the  Koran;  or  of  the  Misnud  of  Persia.  The  Vedam  of  India 
is  a  book  chiefly  for  the  Priests;  and  so  with  us  ought  to  be 
the  greater  part  of  the  confessions.  At  least  mature  years, 
only  can  digest  them. 

But  these  dogmata,  planted  in  the  memory,  grow  up  to  fruit 
in  the  understanding  afterwards,  said  the  Principal. 

That  is,  said  the  Captain,  commit  to  memory  now,  what  you 
will  understand  afterwards.  I  would  have  memory  and  under 
standing  go  together,  and  in  my  opinion,  the  true  method  01 
remembering  a  thing  well,  is  to  understand  it  well.  There  is 
no  doubt,  however,  that  memory  may  be  strengthened  by  ex 
ercise,  and  some  things,  like  swimming,  are  never  forgotten. 
The  mind  often  continues  at  work  imperceptibly  to  ourselves, 
and  an  improvement  is  seen  after  the  lapse  of  yearg,  on 
subjects  which  wo  thought  dismissed  from  our  occupations. 
But  this  leads  ma  to  nay  a  word  on  memory,  as  you  dfrinea 


MODERN   CHIYALRT.  I5l 

•ay  when  "you  preach.  For  you  talk  of  saying  but  a  word, 
when  before  you  are  done,  you  make  a  sermon  out  of  it.  Mem. 
ory  is  a  thing  improvable,  and  ought  to  be  improved;  I  do  not 
therefore  approve  of  this  thing  of  taking  notes.  You  read  your 
lectures,  and  the  student  must  take  notes.  It  spoils  his  hand; 
for  trying  to  keep  up  with  you,  he  writes  fast,  and  runs  into 
scratches  like  short-hand,  or  the  Coptic  alphabet.  Sometimes 
the  student  copies  the  lectures,  to  a  great  waste  of  time,  and 
unnecessarily;  for  learned  professors  thought  they  had  done  a 
great  deal  in  getting  them  out  of  manuscript  into  print;  and 
now  the  labor  is  to  get  them  out  of  print  into  manuscript  again. 
But  the  principal  disadvantage  is  the  neglect  of  the  memory. 
And  when  a  man  gets  a  thing  in  his  book,  he  neglects  to  put 
it  into  his  head.  Let  the  thing  rest  in  the  brain  if  possible. 
Pedagogues  that  teach  the  first  elements  of  Arithmetic  will 
instruct  the  youth  to  work  their  sums,  as  they  call  it,  on  their 
slates;  and  afterwards  put  down  the  figures  in  their  books. 
This  ig  to  take  home  to  show  to  their  parents  that  they  may 
seem  to  be  doing  something,  and  the  master  get  a  good  name. 
But  it  is  a  loss  of  time  and  paper.  The  same  pedantry  is  car 
ried  up  into  higher  institutions;  and  the  classes  copy  lectures, 
to  make  themselves  or  others  believe  that  they  have  been  doing 
something — 

Just  at  this  instant  a  gun  went  off,  and  thinking  somebody 
might  have  been  shot,  they  broke  off  the  conversation. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

The  Captain  sends  Teague  out  of  the  way  on  the  approach  of 
the  election.    Encounters  a  worse  danger. 

AT  the  approach  of  the  election,  the  Captain  deemed  it 
expedient  to  send  Teague  away  on  some  commission,  with 
directions  to  wait  for  him  at  a  place  appointed.  Having  dis 
charged  his  duty  as  a  voter,  he  soon  overtook  the  bog-trotter. 

But  whether  owing  to  themselves,  or  to  the  times,  the  office 


152  MODERN   CHIYALRY. 

of  a  judge  happening  to  be  extremely  obnoxious,  there  was 
danger  of  their  being  taken  for  some  of  them  in  their  rambles; 
and  therefore  it  became  necessary  to  be  on  their  guard,  more 
especially  on  account  of  the  bog-trotter,  so  as  not  to  go  near 
an  assembling  of  people. 

With  all  his  caution  and  circumspection,  keeping  the  bog- 
trotter  in  the  middle  of  the  road,  and  warning  him  against 
what  might  happen;  nevertheless,  going  too  near  a  place  where 
a  poll  was  holden,  the  unfortunate  scavenger,  as  I  may  call 
him,  was  recognized  by  some  present  as  having  been  upon  the 
bench.  The  rumor  soon  went  out,  that  one  of  the  ci-devant 
judges  was  making  his  escape,  and  the  populace  were  called 
upon  to  apprehend  the  fugitive.  Teague,  denial  being  in  his 
way  of  thinking,  a  main  point  in  the  law,  even  had  it  been  the 
case,  was  ready  to  swear  by  the  holy  poker,  and  the  fathers,  and 
every  oath  that  could  be  put  to  him,  and  with  great  truth,  that 
he  had  never  been  upon  a  bench  in  his  life,  nor  had  been  in 
the  capacity  of  a  judge  or  justice  since  the  day  he  came  into 
the  country. 

Your  brogue  betrays  you,  said  one  of  the  number;  I  saw 
you  on  the  bench,  and  deliver  a  charge  to  the  jury. 

By  the  bye,  he  was  mistaken,  for  it  was  a  Scotch  judge  that 
had  given  the  charge;  but  he  mistook  one  brogue  for  the  other. 
But  the  man  was  believed,  and  the  bog-trotter  stood  convicted. 

Yes,  said  the  people,  he  has  the  very  physiognomy  of  a 
judge;  you  may  see  it  in  his  face.  Hang  him  at  once,  and  be 
done  with  his  judge-ship. 

A  rope-maker  brought  a  new  cord,  with  which  never  man 
had  been  hung,  and  throwing  it  over  the  limb  of  a  tree,  was 
about  to  attach  the  other 'end  to  the  neck,  when  the  sudden 
squeal  of  a  pig  that  some  one  had  hit  with  a  stick,  drew  off 
the  eyes  of  the  multitude,  and  the  attention  of  the  man  that 
held  the  halter;  and  the  bog-trotter,  seeing  an  opening,  made 
a  sudden  spring  and  escaped  from  the  crowd.  He  was  pursued 
but  a  little  way,  no  one  choosing  to  tire  himself,  not  under 
standing  that  any  reward  had  been  proffered  by  the  govern 
ment  for  the  taking  up  a  judge. 

Tho  Captain  seeing  Teague  clear,  and  running  now  almost 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  153 

out  of  sight,  began  to  expostulate  with  the  multitude,  and 
upbraid  them  for  this  violence. 

Do  you  call  in  question  the  sovereignty  of  the  people,  and 
their  right  to  hang  their  own  officers?  said  one  of  the  crowd. 

Bat  are  you  the  people?  said  the  Captain.  A  few  mad-caps 
ge  t  together,  and  call  themselves  the  people;  and  talk  of  the 
majesty  of  the  people.  You  do  not  appear  to  be  a  very  dis- 
C3rning  people,  to  take  my  bog-trotter  for  a  judge;  nor  can  your 
majesty  be  deemed  very  gracious  and  merciful,  that  would 
hang  him  up  not  giving  him  time  to  say  his  prayers,  or  to  have 
the  conversation  of  a  clergyman.  Had  he  been  a  spy  come 
into  your  camp,  in  time  of.  war,  on  the  eve  of  an  engagement, 
you  could  not  have  shown  signs  of  greater  dispatch  in  taking 
away  life,  than  in  this  instance.  Those  who  call  themselves 
"the  people,"  are  not  always  the  people;  perhaps  not  even  a 
part  of  the  people.  And  are  not  the  laws  sovereign  over  the 
people? 

Captain,  said  a  man  that  knew  him,  do  not  think  so  hard  of 
these  young  men;  they  had  no  intention  of  hanging  him  out 
right. 

But  even  half-hanging,  said  the  Captain,  is  no  pleasant  sport 
to  him  that  is  the  subject  of  it. 

With  that  turning  round  his  horse,  he  left  the  ground,  and 
returned  to  the  village,  reflecting  with  himself  on  the  danger 
of  wandering  far  from  the  place  of  his  abode,  or  at  least  ven 
turing  where  he  was  not  known;  lest  he  might  he  taken  for  a 
judge  also,  and  brought  to  a  hasty  end  by  the  limb  of  a  tree, 
as  was  near  being  the  case  with  his  unfortunate  bog-trotter,  a 
short  time  ago,  in  the  place  he  had  just  quitted,  and  which  he 
never  wished  to  see  again. 


154  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

Farrago  pays  a  visit  to  the  blind  lawyer.  Of  reform,  universal 
suffrage,  ambition.  It  is  pleasant  in  a  free  country  to  lie  on 
one's  back  and  whistle. 

HAVING  composed  himself  at  home  some  time,  the  Captain 
took  an  opportunity,  at  a  leisure  hour,  to  pay  a  visit  to  the 
blind  lawyer,  and  entering  into  conversation  ventured  to  put 
the  question — Whence  the  rage  against  the  judges?  Had  it 
always  been  the  case,  or  was  it  a  late  matter  that  had  broken 
out?  Did  it  depend  upon  moral  causes,  or  was  it  a  matter  of 
accident,  unaccountable  by  man? 

There  is  in  the  human  mind,  at  all  times,  said  the  blind 
lawyer,  a  disposition  to  throw  off  shackles,  and  revert  to  the 
natural  simplicity  of  the  early  ages;  not  that  we  relish,  even 
in  imagination,  the  oak  and  the  acorn;  but  we  pass  over  these 
•which  were  the  food  and  the  covering  of  the  primitive  inhabi 
tants,  and  we  think  only  of  their  liberty.  There  is  a  tendency 
in  all  things,  which  have  been  the  subjects  of  cultivation,  to  go 
back  to  their  wild  nature.  How  delightful  is  it  to  lie  on  one's 
back  and  whistle,  having  no  care  and  no  laws  to  trouble  us ! 
Down  with  the  lawyers,  has  been  the  language  of  the  human 
heart  ever  since  the  first  institution  of  society.  It  breaks  out 
into  action  sometimes,  as  the  history  of  Jack  Cade  informs  us. 
A  spirit  of  reform  is  unquestionably  a  salutary  temper  of  the 
times;  because  there  is,  at  all  times,  need  of  reformation.  This 
is  the  angel  that  descends  into  the  pool  and  troubles  the 
waters,  so  that  he  who  steppeth  in  afterwards  is  made  whole. 
But  troubling  does  not  mean  muddying  the  waters,  but  giving 
them  motion,  and  exciting  a  current.  It  is  by  the  spirit  of  the 
atmosphere,  the  wind,  that  the  waters  of  the  ocean  are  pre 
served  salutary,  by  being  kept  in  motion  like  the  living  water 
of  the  running  stream.  But  from  the  same  cause  the  tempest 


MODERN    CHITA LRT.  155 

and  hurricane.  The  spirit  of  reform  is  terriblefin  its  excess. 
It  is  a  matter  of  great  judgment  to  stay  it  at  a  proper  point. 

Is  not  the  right  of  universal  suffrage,  said  the  Captain,  a 
great  cause  of  this  excess  in  our  councils;  persons  young  in  the 
world,  in  the  country,  or  such  as  have  but  little  property,  put 
upon  the  same  footing  with  those  that  have  a  greater  stake 
in  the  preservation  of  the  laws,  and  in  the]  stability  of  the 
government? 

It  is  extremely  difficult,  if  not  altogether  impossible,  said  the 
blind  lawyer,  to  adjust  this  matter  to  general  satisfaction,  and 
at  the  same  time,  general  safety.  With  regard  to  age,  it  can 
not  well  be  carried  later  than  the  ago  which  gives  the  owner 
ship  and  disposition  of  real  estate;  and  as  to  qualification  of 
property,  it  has  been  found  impracticable  to  carry  it  into  effect. 
For  how  can  the  value  of  estate,  clear  of  all  drawbacks,  which 
a  man  possesses,  be  ascertained?  It  seems  inhospitable  to 
hold  the  emigrant  to  a  quarantine,  and  postpone  the  exercise 
of  suffrage  to  a  distant  day;  and  yet  it  is  natural  for  an  indi 
vidual  whom  we  admit  to  become  a  co-tenant  of  our  habitation, 
to  think  that  he  can  serve  us  and  himself  aho,  by  some  altera 
tions  in  the  structurejmd  compartments  of  the  cabin.  The 
German,  inhabiting  a  cold  country,  naturally  thinks  of  accom 
modation  to  tho  winter;  the  Briton  also  anticipates  the  heat 
very  little.  Neither  of  these  are  aware  of  the  particular  winds 
that  blow,  or  of  the  rains,  at  certain  periods,  that  usually 
descend,  or  of  the  diseases  of  the  climate.  The  older  resident 
ought  to  be  consulted,  and  his  notion  of  things  not  too  lightly 
undervalued.  The  idea  Jof  reform  delights  the  imagination. 
Hence  reformers  are  prone  to  reform  too  much.  There  is  blue 
and  a  better  blue;  but  in  making  the  better  blue,  a  small  error 
in  the  proportion  of  the  drug  or  alkali,  will  turn  black.  A 
great  enemy  to  a  judicious  reform,  is  a  distrust  of  those  skilled 
in  the  subject  of  the  reform;  and  yet  there  is  ground  of  dis 
trust,  where  those  skilled  in  the  subject,  have  any  possible 
interest  in  the  reform  itself.  One  would  suppose  that  an  old 
lawyer  out  of  practice,  one  who  had  been  a  judge,  and  no  longer 
on  the  bench,  might  be  trusted  in  all  questions  of  amendments 


156  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

of  the  judicial  system.  But  the  legislative  body  is  the  organ 
of  amendments;  and  it  is  natural  for  one  branch  to  endeavor 
to  absorb  the  independence  of  another,  or  to  be  suspected  of 
it.  Hence  jealousy  and  distrust,  which  an  enlightened  policy 
can  alone  dissipate. 

But  the  present  idea  of  reform  seems  to  be  to  pull  down 
altogether,  said  the  Captain.  I  do  not  know  that  you  will  see 
"down  with  the  judges,"  written  upon  fence  rails,  or  scored  on 
tavern  windows;  but  it  is  very  common  language  among  the 
more  uninformed  of  the  community.  The  danger  is,  that  it 
may  be  mistaken  for  the  voice  of  the  people,  and  under  that 
idea  influence  ths  constituted  authorities. 

That  would  be  an  error,  said  the  blind  lawyer.  For  it  does 
not  follow,  because  a  thing  seems  to  have  advocates,  that  it  is 
the  voice  of  the  people.  The  noisy  are  heard,  but  the  dissen 
tients  are  silent.  Hence  it  is  that  those  who  hold  the  admin 
istration  for  the  time  being,  are  not  always  aware  of  the  real 
inclination  of  the  public  mind.  It  is  at  the  moment  they 
seem  to  have  the  greatest  sway,  that  an  under-current  begins 
to  set.  The  truth  and  justice  of  the  case,  therefore,  is  the 
great  guide;  not  what  may  appear  to  be  the  popular  opinion. 

There  would  seem  to  be  good  sense  in  what  you  say,  said 
the  Captain;  and  for  a  blind  man,  you  seem  to  have  a  tolerable 
insight  into  things.  But  how  shall  the  truth  and  justice  of  the 
case  be  known  in  a  government? 

It  is  not  an  easy  matter,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  or,  as  in  the 
present  conversation,  I  rather  ought  to  call  him,  the  blind  pol 
itician.  For  there  are  fanatics,  and  there  are  designing  men. 
The  fanatic  is  an  honest  creature,  that  thinks  he  is  doing  God's 
service,  when  at  the  same  time  he  is  undermining  the  pillars 
of  the  constitution.  The  designing  man  sails  with  whatever 
he  finds  to  be  the  current;  or  rather  than  let  the  pool  stagnate, 
he  will  excite  a  current.  In  order  to  be  something  in  govern 
ment,  a  man  must  do  something.  There  is  little  to  be  got  by 
doing  good,  for  all  feel  the  benefit,  but  no  one  inquires  into 
the  cause.  It  is  by  disorganization  that  reputation  is  most 
easily  acquired.  The  introducing  a  new  law,  or  pulling  down 
an  old  rnagi straff,  says  Machiavel,  aro  the  means  by  which  a 


MODERN   CI1IVALRT.  157 

young  person  may  distinguish  himself  in  a  commonwealth. 
Indeed,  even  an  old  person  wil]  find  his  account  in  ihowing 
game.  If  he  cannot  show  a  panther,  he  must  show  a  hind, 
and  raise  the  tally-ho. 

I  do  not  know  whether  you  call  a  judge  a  hind  or  a  panther, 
said  the  Captain;  but  that  seems  to  be  the  game  at  present, 
every  one  must  have  a  whit  at  a  judge.  No  festival  can  be  cele 
brated  with  suitable  patriotism,  without  a  dash  at  the  judiciary. 

There  is  danger,  said  the  politician,  of  running  down  a 
branch  of  the  government.  It  is  a  delicate  point  to  restrain 
and  not  to  overthrow.  Wrong  or  excess  terminates  in  the  loss 
of  liberty. 

Individual  injury  may  be  done,  said  the  Captain;  but  the 
constitution  is  a  barrier  to  usurpation  of  the  one  or  the  many; 
for  there  may  by  such  a  thing  as  king  NUMBERS,  as  well  ai 
king  number  ONE. 

Our  constitutions  are  yet  green,  said  the  politician.  Inflex 
ions  are  easy.  Construction  is  one  half  of  the  constitution;  and 
that  varies  with  the  men  in  power.  A  witch  at  a  mast  head 
is  not  more  dangerous  than  the  spirit  of  ambition.  A  branch 
of  the  government  is  no  more  than  a  bramble  bush  before  it. 
A  philosopher  is  at  a  loss  to  know  whether  to  laugh  or  shed 
tears,  when  he  hears  invectives  against  the  immediate  usurpers 
of  a  government,  when  the  thing  had  its  foundation  in  tho 
errors  of  the  people  a  long  timo  before.  It  is  like  laying  the 
death  of  a  man  upon  death  itself,  instead  of  the  primary  causes 
which  had  sown  the  seeds  of  his  disease.  The  ambition  of 
individuals  out  of  doors,  and  afterwards  within  doors,  to  carry 
particular  points,  without  looking  to  the  the  consequences,  or 
overlooking  them  for  the  sake  of  the  immediate  object,  is  th© 
invisible  gas  or  poison,  that  with  a  slow  or  rapid  process,  ulti 
mately  produces  fever,  and  brings  on  dissolution.  Self-denial 
is  the  great  virtue  of  a  republic.  It  is  the  opposite  of  ambition. 
Self-denial  looks  only  at  justice.  It  looks  at  the  public  good. 
Self-denial  may  not  be  accompanied  with  information;  but  it 
is  ready  to  receive  information.  It  is  not  always  an  apt,  but  it 
is  at  least  a  willing  scholar.  But  inordinate  self-love  begeti 
13 


158 


MODERN  CHIYALRT. 


obstinacy  in  the  weak  mind,  and  ambition  in  the  strong;  both 
destructive  of  happiness,  political  or  personal 

I  hear  a  sound,  said  the  Coptain,  like  that  of  may  tongues; 
and  I  see  a  man  running,  whose  strides  are  like  those  of  the 
bog-trotter. 

It  was  a  tumult  in  the  village  occasioned  by  the  bog-trotter; 
though  he  could  not  be  the  cause  of  it.  Talk  much  about  a 
thing,  and  you  will  put  it  into  the  people's  heads.  The  fact 
was,  that  in  a  meeting  of  the  citizens,  it  had  been  proposed  a 
second  time,  to  make  Teague  a  judge. 

Make  him  a  devil,  said  a  rash  man,  getting  angry. 

A  devil  let  it  be  then,  said  the  populace;  and  while  one  went 
to  get  horns,  and  another  hair  to  make  a  tail,  the  bog-trotter 
was  left  standing  in  the  midst.  But  he  did  not  stand  long;  for 
understanding  what  was  about  to  be  done  with  him,  he  slipped 
cable,  and  shot  ahead  a  hundred  yards  before  the  people  were 
under  way  to  retake  him. 

His  object  was  to  reach  the  Captain  and  the  blind  lawyer, 
whom  he  saw  conversing  at  a  distance:  but  he  was  under  the 
necessity  of  making  some  doubles,  to  elude  his  pursuers.  At 
length,  however,  reaching  the  Scean  gate,  more  fortunate  than 
Hector,  he  threw  himself  under  the  protection  of  the  Captain; 
who  being  made  acquainted  with  the  cause  of  this  uproar,  was 
beginning  to  expostulate  with  the  rioters. 

Captain,  said  they,  is  it  reasonable  that  the  people  should 
be  checked  in  every  thing  they  do?  Was  it  not  enough  for 
you  to  throw  cold  water  upon  making  him  a  judge,  or  the  edi 
tor  of  a  Telegraph,  but  you  must  also  obstruct  his  advance 
ment  to  the  office  of  a  devil? 

Finding  the  people  warm,  the  Captain  thought  it  prudent  to 
lay  the  blame  a  little  on  the  bog-trotter  in  the  first  instance. 

Teague,  said  he,  this  is  the  first  promotion  to  which  I  have 
ever  known  you  to  have  the  least  objection.  Is  it  a  false  pride, 
or  a  false  delicacy  that  induces  you  to  decline  the  appointment? 
Were  it  not  more  advisable  for  you  to  accept  your  credentials, 
the  tail  and  horns,  than,  through  affected  modesty,  to  decline 
the  commission,  or  at  least  carry  the  matter  so  far,  as  to  be  a 
fugitire  from  the  honor? 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  159 

la  a  free  government,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  a  man  cannot 
be  said  to  have  dominium  directum,  or  an  absolute  property  in 
his  own  faaulties.  You  owe  yourself  to  the  commonwealth. 
If  the  people  have  discovered  in  what  capacity  you  can  best 
serve  them,  it  behooves  you  to  submit  and.  accept  the  trust. 

The  bog-trotter,  on  the  other  hand,  though  he  he  could  not 
yet  speak  from  fast  running,  was  averse  from  the  proposition ; 
not  only  on  account  of  the  unbecoming  appearance  of  the 
badge  of  the  office,  but  lest,  if  made  a  devil  in  appearance,  he 
should  be  taken  for  one  in  reality.  He  might  be  claimed  by 
Lucifer,  perhaps,  and  ordered  upon  duty,  not  having  a  liking 
to  the  service,  whether  it  might  be  to  tempt  good  people,  or 
afflict  the  bad. 

The  fact  is,  he  was  taken  by  surprise;  and  even  when  he  got 
his  breath,  he  stood  gaping,  at  a  loss  what  to  say.  It  appeared  to 
him  an  unintelligible  matter,  how  he  could  be  of  any  use  to  the 
community,  in  the  capacity  of  a  devil;  or  how  tails  and  horns 
should  change  the  endowments  of  his  mind,  though  it  did  the 
appearance  of  his  body.  Hinting  this,  as  well  as  he  could  in 
broken  sentences,  he  was  answered  by  the  populace,  that  he 
had  made  no  objection  of  that  kind  when  he  had  been  made  a 
judge,  or  acted  in  that  capacity;  or  when  it  was  proposed  to 
put  him  at  the  head  of  a  paper;  that  in  fact  it  was  a  new 
thing  from  any  candidate,  unless,  indeed,  under  an  affectation 
of  modesty,  to  allege  want  of  parts,  or  an  inadaptation  to  a 
place  of  profit  or  of  power. 

But  perhaps  it  is  the  first  time,  said  the  lawyer,  that  it  has 
been  proposed  to  diabolize  a  man.  Even  of  offices  that  are 
known  to  the  constitution,  there  are  some,  which  men  of  libe 
ral  education  would  wish  to  decline;  though,  by  the  bye,  it  is 
not  good  policy  to  decline  an  office  because  of  the  subordinate 
nature  of  it;  for  submission  to  the  will  of  the  people,  in  this 
respect,  may  be  the  means  of  obtaining  their  suffrages  at  an 
other  time,  to  a  more  important  station;  wherefore  I  would 
recommend  it  to  the  young  man  to  turn  devil,  since  it  is  the 
public  voice. 

It  will  require  n*  great  change  of  mind,  said  the  Captain,  to 


160  MODERN   CHIYALRT. 

qualify  him.  The  metamorphose  need  only  be  of  his  body. 
His  parts  otherwise  may  stand  as  they  are.  But  I  would  ask, 
is  it  not  a  superfluous  alteration  in  the  economy  of  the  world  ? 
Is  not  the  devil  that  is  already  made,  competent  to  all  neces 
sary  purposes? 

It  is  true,  said  the  lawyer,  we  have  it  in  all  indictments, 
"moved  by  the  instigation  of  the  devil."  And  there  is  no 
complaint  of  the  want  of  a  devil  to  instigate  indictments. 

Were  that  the  case,  said  the  Captain,  I  should  be  unwilling 
to  withhold  assistance  even  to  do  mischief,  when  the  commu 
nity  required  it.  But  all  matters  appear  to  me  to  be  going  on 
pretty  well  towards  confusion  in  this  village.  And  why  increase 
the  number  of  devils,  I  do  not  well  comprehend. 

Cui  bono  ?  said  the  lawyer,  for  whose  benefit?  Why  carry 
coals  to  New  Castle,  or  timber  to  the  wood? 

It  appeared  to  the  more  reasonable  that  there  was  good 
reason  in  this,  and  it  was  agreed  to  postpone  the  making  of  a 
devil  at  that  time. 

But  it  will  not  be  understood  that  even  the  bulk  of  the  peo 
ple  really  conceived  that  it  was  in  their  power  to  constitute  a 
devil  with  the  qualities  of  one.  They  had  no  idea  of  turning 
devil-makers,  to  that  extent  of  the  composition.  They  had 
sense  enough  to  know,  that  all  they  could  do,  was  to  give  the 
form  and  appearance  of  one.  For,  however  men  of  superior 
standing  in  society  may  be  disposed  to  undervalue  the  common 
people,  and  to  reckon  them  fools,  there  are  as  many  knaves 
amongst  them  as  fools,  and  perhaps  more,  upon  a  nice  scrutiny. 
These  rogues,  who  were  at  the  bottom  of  the  business,  meant 
no  more  6than  their  amusement  with  the  public,  and  a  little 
mirth  at  the  expense  of  the  Captain.  Nevertheless,  the  mat 
ter  had  been  carried  so  far,  that  had  not  the  Captain  and  the 
blind  lawyer  assisted  with  their  address,  and  parried  the  prop 
osition  of  devil-making,  by  an  indirect  argument,  the  inutility 
of  it,  the  matter  must  have  gone  on,  and  a  devil,  in  some  sense 
of  the  word,  must  have  been  made.  For  it  may  easily  be  con 
ceived,  what  a  flame  it  would  have  raised  to  have  stood  forward 
boldly,  alleging  that  the  idea  of  making  a  devil  was  a  wicked 


MODERN    CHIVALRY".  161 

conception,  and  had  its  origin  in  a  design  to  overthrow  the 
government;  that  it  was  a  diabolical  attempt,  and  they  must 
be  worse  than  devils  into  whose  heads  it  had  come.  Nor  would 
it  have  mended  the  matter  much,?to  have  told  them  that  they 
were  themselves  devils,  or  at  least  do  the  work  of  devils,  in 
hostility  to  churches  and  schools  of  learning.  For  as  by 
the  application  of  mechanical  powers  we  gain  a  force  above 
the  direct  strength  of  a  man,  so  by  that  mode  of  speech  and 
reasoning  which  flatters  self  love  and  hides  the  application  that 
is  intended.  Men  deserve  great  credit,  who  by  skill  and  sci 
ence  have  lessened  labor;  who  by  the  invention  of  useful  tools 
have  rendered  the  life  of  man  more  comfortable  upon  this 
globe.  Bat  they  deserve  not  lees  praise,  who  by  study  and 
reflection  have  rendered  themselves  capable  of  managing  the 
minds  of  men.  This  is  the  art  of  oratory,  which  consists  not 
in  length  of  speech,  or  melody  of  voice,  or  beauty  of  diction; 
but  in  wise  thoughts;  and  here  our  orators  from  the  schools 
fail.  Men  of  business  learn  to  take  things  by  the  right  han 
dle,  and  to  speak  with  a  single  view  to  persuade.  You  might 
as  well  expect  good  liquors  without  fermentation,  as  a  man  of 
real  sense  without  experience  in  life.  Doubtless,  all  experi 
ence  will  not  of  itself  suffice.  There  must  be  a  substratum  or 
layer  of  judgment  to  begin  with,  in  order  to  make  a  man  of 
sense.  Under  a  despotism,  or  the  military  subordination  of  an 
army  or  navy,  there  is  a  simple  mode  of  pro  seeding — the  bay 
onet  or  the  cat-o'-nine-tails.  But  in  a  democracy,  where  every 
man  is  a  sovereign,  persuasion,  compromise,  and  even  address, 
are  to  be  resorted  to  in  preference  to  force,  which  should  be 
the  last  and  reluctant  resource.  Some  may  ask  me  of  what 
use  it  is  to  have  recorded  these  freaks  of  the  towns-people.  It 
is  not  pretended  that  it  is  of  any,  farther  than  to  keep  my  fin 
gers  going.  But  is  not  that  something  to  a  man's  self?  There 
is  a  pleasure  in  writing,  which  only  the  man  who  writes  knows* 
Yet  I  believe  no  man  would  write  unless  he  expected  some 
body  to  read.  His  own  reading  would  be  small,  if  he  did  not 
expect  to  have  it  found  out  that  he  had  read.  Thus  self-love 
is,  in  a  great  degree,  the  spring  of  all  things.  Is  it  nothing  to 


162 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


be  able  to  show  how  easily  I  can  elevate  small  matters?  That 
is  the  very  reason  why  I  assume  this  biography.  Anj  one  $an 
write  the  campaign  of  a  great  prince,  beeause  the  subject 
sustains  the  narrative.  But  it  is  greater  praise  to  give  a  value 
to  the  rambles  of  private  persons,  or  the  dissension  of  a  bor. 
ough  town.  One  advantage  is,  that  these  transactions  being 
in  a  narrow  compass  the  truth  can  be  reached  with  more 
certainty,  the  want  of  which  is  a  drawback  upon  the  histories 
of  a  greater  compass,  most  of  them  being  little  better  than 
the  romance  of  the  middle  ages,  or  the  modern  novel. 

Having  premised  thus  much  we  go  [on  to  a  fact  that  took 
place  the  following  Sunday. 


CHAPTE  R   XXXIV. 

2he  project  of  making  a  devil  of  0' Regan  comes  to  the  ears  of 
the  clergyman.  Alarming  incident.  Teague  takes  to  ftight. 
The  blind  lawyer  visits  the  Captain. 

THE  rumor  of  the  design  to  make  a  devil  of  Teague  soon 
reached  the  clergyman,  who  thought  he  had  enough  with  the 
one  already  en  his  hands,  therefore,  if  not  on  the  ground  of 
fear,  at  least  on  that  of  sinfulness,  highly  disapproved  of  the 
measure,  and  resolved  to  make  it  the  subject  of  his  next  dis 
course  from  the  pulpit.*  The  text  fixed  upon  was  from  the 
Book  of  Job:  "And  Satan  also  came  among  them." 

It  so  happened  that  just  as  he  gave  it  out,  who  should  appear 
but  the  bog-trotter,  at  the  west  end  of  the  church.  It  was  an 
unusual  thing  for  O'Regan  to  be  seen  at  this  place;  but  on  this 

*  It  is  related  as  a  piece  of  pleasantry  of  the  late  James  Ross,  in 
defending  the  Rev.  John  M'Millan  from  an  action  of  slander  brought 
by  another  clergyman,  the  words  alleged — ''He  is  a  preacher  of  the 
devil" — Ross  contended  that  it  was  a  mistake,  that  the  words  must 
have  been — "He  is  a  devil  of  a  preacher." 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

occasion  it  had  been  enjoined  on  him  by  the  Captain,  to  eeo 
what  reform  it  might  produce  on  his  life  and  conversation. 
It  was  unfortunate  that  the  clergyman,  in  pronouncing  tha 
words  of  the  text,  cast  his  eye  towards  the  door  which  Teague 
was  about  to  enter;  which  immediately  drew  the  attention  of 
the  people  to  the  same  quarter;  and  hence  the  impression,  aa 
sudden  as  it  was  universal. 

As  from  a  theatre,  where  the  scenery  has  taken  fire,  there  is 
an  effort  to  escape,  and  the  spectators  rush  in  every  direction; 
BO  on  the  present  occasion.  The  greater  part  had  got  out  and 
were  at  some  distance  from  the  church,  in  disorder,  the  deacons 
endeavoring  to  rally  them,  like  officers  the  flying  squadrons  of 
a  routed  army;  but  in  vain;  the  panic  had  been  so  great,  that 
every  one  was  willing  to  make  the  best  of  his  way  from  the 
scene  of  action. 

The  clergyman  himself  was  not  a  little  terrified,  thinking 
that,  contrary  to  expectation,  the  devil  had  come  among  them; 
and  though  he  himself  had  seen  nothing  of  him  with  the 
naked  eye,  yet  that  he  had  been  visible  to  the  congregation. 
Accordingly  he  had  made  his  escape  at  an  early  period  of  the 
flight,  and  was  on  a  hill,  apart  in  the  rear  of  the  church,  at 
prayers;  with  his  eyes  open,  not  shut,  as  was  his  custom;  for  on 
this  occasion  he  had  thought  it  advisable,  not  knowing  what 
might  heave  in  sight,  to  watch  as  well  as  pray. 

The  clerk,  being  a  lame  man,  had  sat  still  in  the  desk,  and 
given  out  a  Psalm,  so  that  of  the  whole,  he  was  tho  only  one 
who  could  be  said  to  remain  at  his  post. 

The  bog-trotter  was  under  a  more  unfortunate  mistake,  for 
he  took  it  for  granted,  from  the  words  of  the  clergyman  which 
he  had  heard,  and  from  the  alarm  of  the  people,  that  he  had 
in  reality  undergone  a  change,  and  had  become  a  devil.  His 
endeavor,  therefore,  was  to  fly  from  himself;  like  one  whose 
clothes  are  on  fire.  His  howling  and  shouting,  like  that  of  a 
beaten  dog,  increased  the  disturbance,  and  his  own  perturba 
tion.  He  was  a  mile  from  the  village  before  he  ventured  to 
look  back;  and  even  then  he  did  not  stop,  but  continued  his 
route  to  a  greater  distance  in  the  country;  at  the  same  time  not 


104 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


convinced  fully  of  his  metamorphose;  fur,  putting  his  hand  on 
his  head,  he  could  feel  no  horn,  nor  a  tail  behind  his  back, 
though  he  endeavored  to  catch  at  this  also.  Hence  it  was 
that  he  thought  it  proper  to  extricate  himself,  and  ascertain  at 
his  leisure,  the  real  state  of  the  case,  as  to  his  being  what  he 
was,  and  the  idiosyncracy  of  his  existence. 

Certain  it  is  the  bog-trotter  had  no  great  intrinsic  value  in 
the  qualities  of  his  head,  or  heart;  nevertheless,  from  habit  or 
Borne  other  principle,  the  Captain  had  conceived  some  attach 
ment  to  him,  and  was  uneasy  at  his  disappearing,  especially 
under  the  late  circumstances;  not  knowing  what  might  befal 
him  from  a  mistake  of  characters.  In  the  present  state  of  the 
public  mind,  with  regard  to  the  judiciary,  it  might  happen  to 
him  to  be  viewed  again  under  tint  aspect,  and  be  laid  hold 
upon,  as  before,  and  put  in  fear  of  his  life.  Nor  was  it  a  thing 
morally  certain,  that  he  might  not  become  a  trespasser  himself, 
if  not  upon  the  persons,  at  least  upon  the  property  of  men. 
The  want  of  food  might  tempt  him  to  rob  hen-roosts,  or  break 
spring-houses,  which  are  used  as  dairies,  or  to  keep  meats 
Iresh  in  the  summer  season.  On  these  grounds,  he  thought  it 
both  for  the  public  good  and  that  of  the  individual,  to  endeavor 
to  reclaim  and  bring  him  back.  As  to  the  idea  of  his  turning 
hermit,  which  some  thought  probable,  it  never  came  into  the 
Lead  of  the  Captain.  For  though  he  knew  that  disappoint 
ments  in  love  or  in  ambition,  have  oftentimes  made  hermits, 
yet  this  must  have  taken  place  in  the  case  of  persons  of  greater 
sensibility  than  had  ever  been  discovered  in  the  bog-trotter. 
Misanthropy  is  sometimes  the  natural  characteristic  of  the 
mind;  but  more  generally  the  offspring  of  extreme  benevolence, 
hurt  by  injustice.  Hence  it  ought  to  be  inculcated  to  in 
dulge  even  benevolence  with  moderation;  and  to  be  careful  of 
sanguine  expectations  of  gratitude  from  those  served.  "Be  not 
weary  in  well-doing"  to  others,  even  though  a  correspondent 
mind  in  those  served,  does  not  not  always  show  itself.  But  for 
the  sake  of  self-preservation,  it  is  unsafe  to  count  too  much 
upon  the  fruit  which  good  acts  may  produce.  The  seed  does 
act  alwrayi  fall  upon  good  soil,  and  the  seasong  may  blight  th« 


MODERN    CHIYALRV. 


105 


crop.  But  the  anchorite  is  not  usually  made  of  such  as 
Teague  O'Regan,  who  had  rather  be  among  men  getting  flesh 
and  fowl  to  eat,  than  living  on  vegetables  in  the  woods,  and 
drinking  the  pure  flowing  element  of  water  from  the  rock;  or 
to  trace  the  matter  somewhat  further  back,  as  we  have  already 
hinted,  where  the  natural  mind  does  not  find  its  enjoyments, 
in  the  association  of  the  happiness  of  others  with  its  own. 

The  whole  village  appeared  to  take  an  interest  in  the  unea 
siness  of  the  Captain,  from  the  loss  of  hia  servant.  The  young 
mm  who  had  set  up  the  Pole-cat  to  counteract  the  paper  of 
Porcupine,  had  gone  out  in  quest  of  him,  and  from  his  knowl 
edge  of  the  woods,  looking  for  cats,  could  more  readily  than 
others,  go  to  siich  recesses,  or  point  out  such  caverns,  as  might 
be  expected  to  receive  him. 

The  blind  lawyer  and  fiddler  had  paid  the  Captain  a  visit, 
to  console  him,  the  one  with  his  violin,  the  other  with  his  con 
versation.  The  blind  lawyer  made  light  of  the  matter,  and 
thought  that  taking  to  his  trotters,  was  the  best  thing  that 
Teague  O'Regan  could  have  done;  and  that  the  leaving  the 
village  for  a  time,  though  operating  in  the  nature  of  exile,  yet 
carried  nothing  more  with  it  than  had  happened  in  the  case  of 
Aristides,  among  the  Greeks,  or  Marcellus  among  the  Romans; 
and  illustrious  characters  of  other  countries,  who,  avoiding  envy 
or  yielding  to  unjust  prosecution,  had  been  under  the  necessity 
of  abandoning  their  country  for  a  period.  Some,  indeed,  had 
spent  the  remainder  of  their  lives  in  foreign  countries;  and 
\vere  buried  by  people,  who  formed  a  juster  estimate  of  their 
merits  than  their  ungrateful  countrymen,  whose  happiness  had 
been  advanced  by  their  wise  counsels  or  herou  actions.  But 
that  in  the  case  of  the  bog-trotter,  there  was  great  reason  to 
believe,  not  only  that  he  would  be  well  received  by  the  neigh 
boring  states,  but  that  in  due  time  he  would  be  re-called  to  the 
bosom  of  his  country,  with  feelings  of  a  contrary  nature,  but 
in  proportion  to  the  ignominy  of  his  exit, 

The  Captain  felt  a  degree  of  consolation  from  the  observa 
tions;  but  at  the  same  time  could  not  avoid  expressing  his  regret 
that  he  had  not  favored  the  ragamuffin  throughout,  in  his  pro- 


106  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

tensions  te  become  an  editor  of  a  gazette ;  and  the  proposition 
of  the  citizens  to  put  him  at  the  head  of  a  paper;  for  though 
it  might  have  subjected  him  to  a  kick  or  a  cuff,  now  and  then, 
for  a  blackguard  paragraph,  yet  he  would  have  avoided  the 
danger  of  being  taken,  as  had  been  the  case,  for  a  judge  or  a 
devil. 

But,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  as  you  intended  it  for  the  best, 
though  it  has  turned  out  otherwise,  yet  there  is  no  reason  why 
you  should  blame  yourself,  or  that  others  should  find  fault. 
Time  and  chance  happeneth  to  all  men.  In  the  capacity  of 
editor,  he  would  have  been  subject  to  indictments  for  libels,  to 
which  a  want  of  an  accurate  knowledge  of  the  law,  in  matters 
of  written  slander,  and  a  vulgar  propensity,  might  have  ren 
dered  him  liable.  He  had  some  legal  knowledge,  I  presume, 
having  studied,  not  at  the  temple,  but  in  this  country,  perhaps 
with  more  advantage ;  for  I  believe  it  is  pretty  well  understood, 
that  temple  study  is  not  of  much  account. 

He  understands  about  as  much  law  as  my  horse,  said  the 
Captain;  for  which  reason  it  was  tho  greater  burlesque  to  talk 
of  making  him  a  judge ;  unless,  indeed,  all  legal  knowledge 
should  be  put  down,  and  men  should  determine  by  their  own 
arbitrary  notions  of  right  and  wrong,  independent  of  rules 
and  principles. 

As  to  the  making  him  a  judge,  said  the  lawyer,  I  do'not  take 
it  there  was  ever  anything  serious  in  it;  and  even  as  to  the 
present  obloquy  against  the  law,  I  am  disposed  to  think  the 
current  has  in  a  great  degree  spent  itself.  Accusation  and 
condemnation  are  not  the  same  thing.  It  is  no  new  thing  to 
see  accusation  and  condemnation  mean  the  same,  under  an 
arbitrary  government.  Indeed,  in  a  government  of  laws,  we 
have  seen  the  power  of  aristocracy,  the  influence  of  wealth  and 
office,  exerting  itself,  and  sometimes  succeeding  in  running 
down  the  accused;  so  that  while  tliey  enjoyed  the  name,  they 
were  deprived  of  the  substance  of  trial.  Even  in  a  democracy, 
not  in  name  only,  but  in  fact,  ambitious  men  have  misled,  and 
pretending  the  public  good,  have  had  in  view  their  own  pur. 
poses.  But  in  the  free  and  equal  representation  of  a  larger 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  167 

borough,  and  before  a  deliberate  tribunal,  it  is  contrary  to 
moral  probability,  that  accusation  and  condemnation  will  come 
to  be  considered  as  the  same  thing.  Adversaries  may  pretend 
this,  and  in  order  to  bring  a  slur  upon  the  administration, 
may  even  wish  it;  but  it  is  not  in  the  common  course  of  things 
that  it  should  be  the  case. 

I  do  not  know,  said  the  Captain ;  I  have  not  read  a  great 
deal  of  history,  ancient  or  modern,  to  be  able  to  take  a  view  of 
the  judicial  proceedings  in  the  case  of  public  men  in  republi 
can  governments;  but  there  is  a  difference  in  this  country, 
from  ancient  republics,  in  the  matter  of  representation.  In 
the  forum  of  Rome  the  people  themselves  assembled,  and 
heard  the  cause.  They  had  not  to  look  over  the  shoulder  to  see 
how  the  constituent,  who  was  not  within  hearing,  stood  affect 
ed  ;  or  to  reflect  in  their  own  minds,  how  an  acquittal  would 
be  taken  by  the  voters,  who  had  prejudged  the  case,  and  had 
said  the  officer  must  be  brought  down.  Do  you  think  Sylla, 
on  his  abdication,  would  have  offered  to  submit  the  necessity 
of  his  prossriptions,  to  the  people  in  a  representative  capacity? 
The  principle  of  representation  makes  the  great  difference  be 
tween  this  government  and  all  others  that  ever  existed,  ancient 
or  modern.  Athough  not  a  discovery  here,  it  has  been  carried 
to  higher  perfection.  If  it  should  unhappily  fail,  free  govern 
ment,  on  a  large  scale,  must  also  fail. 

And  yet;  said  the  lawyer,  the  chances  for  justice  would  seem 
to  be  in  favor  of  a  body  removed  from  the  multitude,  and 
approaching  more  to  a  select  tribunal.  But  the  fact  is,  there 
is  no  perfection  in  any  human  institution.  It  is  "the  Judge 
only  of  all  the  earth,"  that  can  at  all  times  do  right. 

It  is  a  great  thing  to  have  no  private  views,  and  to  have 
conscience;  so  that  no  envy  can  warp  or  dislike  mislead.  Un 
derstanding  also,  is  requisite  to  confine  the  consideration  to 
the  charge,  laying  out  of  view  collateral  suggestions.  For  if 
Cinna  has  notconspired  he  ought  not  to  be  "  torn  for  his  bad  ver 
ses."  But  if  justice  cannot  find  a  certain  residence  in  a  demo_ 
cratic  government,  tempered  by  representation,  and  accompa. 
nied  by  checks  and  balances,  she  must  leave  the  earth.  I 


168  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

despair  of  finding  it  anywhere  else.  I  have  felt  tyianny,  or 
have  thought  that  I  have  felt  it,  even  in  the  courts  of  justice; 
so  that  I  am  not  one  of  those  who  lean  against  the  investiga 
tion  of  judicial  conduct.  It  is  my  object  to  assist  the  democ 
racy  with  general  observations;  and  by  the  democracy  I  mean 
not  so  much  the  tribunals  that  are  to  judgo,  as  the  people  that 
delegate  the  judgment.  It  will  be  a  great  matter,  that  the 
judgment  given  be  able  to  stand  the  examination  of  law  and 
reason,  abroad  and  at  home.  High  cases  will  come  down  to 
posterity,  and  fix  the  character  of  the  administration.-  Liberty 
will  be  affected,  as  posterity  will  approve  or  reverse  the  judg 
ment.  That  is  a  high  and  transcendent  court,  with  whom  it 
lies  to  judge  judges;  and  lessons  of  high  honor  and  discern 
ment  from  that  court,  will  have  an  effect  upon  the  streams  of 
justice  to  the  remotest  fountains.  If  the  understanding  of 
such  paramount  tribunals  appear  not  beyond  suspicion,  from 
the  decision  given,  it  will  be  a  great  hurt.  The  really  guilty 
may  afterwards  escape,  from  an  odium  brought  upon  the  pros 
ecution,  an  accusation  will  be  less  readily  sustained,  when 
accusation  and  condemnation,  should  ever  that  happen,  come 
to  be  considered  as  the  same  thing. 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

Which  explains  tJie  mystery  of  0' Regan's  disppcarance. 

NOTHING  had  been  yet  heard  from  the  polecat  man,  who 
had  gone  in  quest  of  the  bog-trotter;  nor  from  any  other 
quarter,  could  the  Captain  learn  the  place  of  his  banishment. 
Had  he  known  where  to  find  him,  he  couid  have  sent  him  some 
books  to  read,  suited  to  his  present  situation,  and  his  state  of 
mind.  Bolingbroke  on  exile;  Boethius,  his  consolation  of  phi. 
losophy;  these,  though  he  could  not  read  himself,  he  could  get 
others  to  read  to  him;  unless,  indeed,  he  should  have  happened 
to  have  fallen  into  a  very  illiterate  part  of  the  country,  or 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  169 

where  the  German  only  was  spoken,*  and  so  these  books  which 
are  written  in  English  could  not  bo  read;  the  last  was  written 
in  Latin,  but  translated  into  English.  Not  having  books  to 
read,  he  would  have  to  amuse  himself  with  nine-mens-morrice, 
or  cross-the-crown,  in  the  sand,  or  upon  chalked  boards.  Per 
haps  this  might  answer  the  purpose  as  well,  to  an  uncultivated 
mind,  as  dissertations  of  wisdom,  in  manuscript  or  print. 
Business  is  perhaps  the  best  assuager  of  melancholy;  but  the 
indolence  of  the  ourang-outang,  as  he  may  be  called,  speaking 
characteristically,  would  hinder  him  from  using  this  means  of 
cheating  his  imagination.  Laziness  was  his  fort,  and  therfl 
was  reason  to  believe  that  he  knew  it,  and  would  stick  to  it. 

The  Captain,  however  was  not  inattentive  in  his  inquiries, 
in  the  meantime,  and  hearing  of  a  conjurer  that  had  come  to 
town,  not  having  much  faith  in  his  art,  but  in  compliance  with 
the  wishes  of  some  who  suggested  it,  he  thought  propor  to  con 
sult  with  this  wise  man,  and  gain  from  him  such  discoveries  as 
he  might  think  proper  to  communicate.  Not  that  he  imagined 
Teague  had  got  among  the  stars,  and  taken  his  station  with 
the  crab  or  the  the  lion.  But  this  conjurer  having  more  to  do 
with  bringing  back  stolen  horses  or  lost  goods,  than  casting 
nativities,  it  might  fall  in  his  way  to  ascertain  the  track  of  the 
bog-trotter. 

Now  it  so  happened,  that  O'Regan  had  been  met  with  by 
the  conjurer  on  his  way  to  the  village,  and  had  been  taken  into 
his  service,  as  one  that  seemed  to  answer  his  purpose  for  an 
understrapper,  having  some  knowledge  of  the  town,  and  capa 
ble  of  acting  the  part  of  an  under  devil,  whom  he  might 
occasionally  raise,  and  interrogate  upon  the  state  of  affairs  at 
home  or  abroad.  The  hair  that  had  been  intended  for  the 
devil's  tail,  sufficed  now  ;  for  Teague  pointed  it  out  the  evening 
they  came  to  the  village;  and  the  horns  were  at  hand,  which 
had  been  provided  for  former  service. 

*  There  are  parts  of  the  country  where  the  German  emigrants 
settling  in  a  body,  are  not  fused  into  the  common  mass  of  the  popu 
lation  tor  several  generations,  but  still  speak  the  German  language, 
thttigh  much  corrupted. 


170 


MODERN    CIIIYALRT. 


In  the  capacity  of  assistant  conjurer,  O'Regan  played  his 
part  in  the  commencement  well ;  and  the  ladies  coming  to 
consult,  had  some  things  told  them  that  had  happened ;  a  cir 
cumstance  that  gave  them  full  confidence  in  the  information 
given  with  regard  to  things  to  come.  It  was  this  that  had 
raised  the  credit  of  the  conjurer,  and  made  his  art  the  subject, 
of  general  conversation.  For  the  tongue  of  a  woman  is  an 
excellent  promulgator  in  all  that  relates  to  secrets. 

There  was  a  widow  lady  of  good  fortune,  that^wished  to  see 
her  second  husband.  The  visage  of  the  Captain,  just  coming 
in,  was  reflected  from  the  mirror,  and  she  saw  him. 

My  dear  husband,  said  she,  it  must,  it  will  be  so.  If  the 
stars  have  ordained  it  there  is  no  getting  over  it.  I  shall  be 
happy  how  soon  it  can  be  brought  about.  Can  you  tell,  con 
jurer,  how  long  it  will  be  before  the  knot  is  tied?  How  valu 
able  an  art  it  is,  that  can  so  easily  remove  doubts.  By  this 
time  she  had  the  Captain  rouud  the  neck,  and  kissing  him, 
without  regard  to  the  company. 

The  Captain,  from  natural  delicacy  or  a  good  education,  was 
unwilling  to  repel  the  caresses  of  a  lady;  at  the  same  time, 
thought  he  could  not  in  honor  take  advantage  of  the  mistake, 
under  which  she  appeared  to  labor;  but  on  the  contrary,  ex 
plained  to  her,  on  the  principles  of  optics,  the  manner  in  which 
his  physiognomy  had  been  reflected  from  the  lens,  and  that  it 
would  require  another  experiment  to  ascertain  the  real  hus 
band  which  the  stars  intended. 

The  conjurer  admitted  that  his  glass  had  not  yet  been  ap 
plied  to  discover  invisibles ;  that  in  fact  he  had  only  been 
bringing  it  to  bear,  when  the  face  of  the  Captain  intercepted 
the  vision. 

The  lady  was  satisfied,  and  disposed  to  reconcile  herself  to 
the  real  designation  of  celestial  powers,  conceiving  it  in  vain 
to  struggle  with  destiny;  and  therefore  desired  the  conjurer  to 
lose  no  time,  but  to  manifest  to  her  the  real  object  of  her  hopes. 

Applying  her  eye  to  the  glass,  she  saw  a  face  that  she  did 
not  greatly  dislike,  for  it  had  the  appearnce  ef  freshness  and 
contentment;  but  she  saw  horns. 


MODERN    CHIYALRT.  171 

Horns!  said  she.     What  can  thi*  mean? 

Mean,  said  the  Captain;  every  one  knows  the  meaning  of 
the  emblem.  It  is  a  sign  that  the  poor  man's  former  wife  had 
been  unfaithful  to  him. 

The  lady  was  glad  to  find  the  allusion  had  passed  askant  from 
herself,  as,  indeed,  it  could  not  be  well  made  to  her,  not  being 
yet  married  to  the  gentleman. 

In  fact  it  was  the  bog-trotter,  who  instead  of  raising  a  pic 
ture  in  the  camera  obscura,  had  thrust  his  own  head  into  the 
box;  and  having  just  before  affixed  his  tail  and  put  on  his 
horns,  the  last  were  visible  in  that  quarter,  when  he  presented 
his  phisiognomy  through  the  magic  lantern  of  the  conjurer. 
His  curiosity  to  see  the  lady  had  led  him  to  do  this;  and  ex 
pecting  that  the  conversation  before  the  scenes  would  have 
lasted  longer,  before  she  began  to  look,  he  was  surprised,  and 
had  not  withdrawn  his  head. 

The  lady  requested  the  conjurer  to  inform  her  what  length 
of  time  her  future  spouse  would  be  in  coming  down  from  the 
constellations. 

It  is  not  in  our  power  to  determine  the  orbits  of  fortune, 
said  the  conjurer;  but  simply  the  phases  of  the  planetary 
changes. 

I  should  like  your  faces  better,  said  the  lady,  if  you  would 
bring  them  down  without  horns. 

This  face  that  the  stars  have  shown,  said  the  conjurer,  is  in 
the  crescent,  but  if  you  come  a  day  or  two  hence,  he  may  be 
at  the  full,  and  without  horns. 

In  the  crescent,  or  at  the  full,  said  the  lady,  let  us  have 
him  soon:  since  it  is  what  I  am  to  have.  So  saying,  she 
withdrew. 

The  Captain  stepped  up  to  put  his  question  relative  to  the 
bog-trotter;  and  explaining  at  full  length  the  circumstance  of 
his  absconding,  wished  to  know  the  place  of  his  seclusion,  and 
the  means  of  his  recaption. 

He  is  in  my  service,  said  the  conjurer,  acting  the  part  of 
the  devil,  and  is  the  very  figure  with  the  horns,  which  the 
lady  that  just  now  left  us,  has  mistaken  for  her  future  husband; 


172  MODERN 

at  the  same  time  explained  to  the  Captain  the  circumstances 
under  which  he  had  found  the  vagrant,  and  the  manner  in 
which  he  had  accoutred  him  for  the  part  he  had  to  act;  and 
also  how  it  came  to  pass  that  he  had  got  his  head  into  the  box, 
and  shown  his  horns,  which  had  given  umbrage  to  the  lady. 
He  gave  him  also  to  understand,  that  hs  had  found  him  a 
tolerably  expert  devil,  that  he  carried  his  horns  and  his  tail 
well,  that  he  had  raised  him  frequently,  in  the  capacity  of 
devil,  since  he  came  to  town,  and  was  to  raise  him  that  evening 
to  some  young  men  who  had  appointed  to  consult  him  on  love 
matters;  that  if  the  Captain  would  wait,  he  might  see  him 
play  his  part,  and  judge  of  his  dexterity  in  his  new  office. 

As  when  in  epilepsy,  the  eye  is  fixed  in  the  head,  and  pre 
sents  a  motionless  stare,  so  looked  the  Captain's  at  this  crisis. 
He  was  astonished  at  the  deception  of  the  fortune  teller,  and 
the  vagaries  of  his  waiter;  this  last  adventure  had  exceeded 
all  the  rest.  He  could  not  avoid  expressing  his  disapprobation 
of  the  foul  play  which  had  been  shown  the  lady,  and  the  fraud 
which  had  been  put  upon  her,  showing  his  bog-trotter  for  a 
person  designated  by  the  heavenly  bodies  to  be  her  partner  in 
matrimony;  and  still  more  the  iniquity  of  inveigling  an  igno 
rant  creature  to  take  upon  him  the  character  of  devil,  a 
masque  which  he  had  been  endeavoring  to  avoid  even  at  the 
risk  of  leaving  the  village  ;  but  what  especially  gave  him  pain 
was  the  immorality  of  the  occupation  into  which  he  had  been 
led;  picking  people's  pockets  under  a  pretext  of  discovering 
things  unknown,  while  in  reality  the  whole  was  an  imposition. 
It  was  of  lighter  consideration  that  he  had  degraded  himself, 
and  given  a  false  direction  to  his  ambition. 

However,  as  the  conjurer  had  him  in  his  service,  and  some 
claim  upon  him,  probably  to  fulfil  hia  engagement,  for  the  sea 
son,  what  could  he  say  or  do?  Contracts  must  be  complied 
with;  unless,  indeed  the  unlawfulness  of  the  service  might 
relieve  from  the  condition.  For  this  it  would  be  necessary  to 
consult  the  blind  lawyer;  and  for  which  purpose  he  took  his 
leave  and  withdrew. 

The  blind  lawyer  was  of  opinion  no  prior  contract  with  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  173 

subordinate  existing,  having  been  but  a  servant  at  will,  no  ha 
beas  corpus  or  other  legal  process  could  lie  on  the  part  of  the 
Captain,  to  take  him  out  of  the  hands  of  the  conjurer;  and  as 
to  the  unlawfulness  of  the  service,  that  must  be  a  plea  in  the 
bog-trotter's  own  mouth,  and  not  in  that  of  another  for  him. 
Doubtless  it  was  a  fraud  upon  the  public;  but  the  people 
themselves  became  a  party,  by  consulting  the  wizard,  and  no 
action  would  lie  to  recover  money  back  so  thrown  away;  for 
potior  est  conditio  possidentis.  But  in  foro  conscientias,  it 
might  be  a  question  whether  it  was  a  wrong  to  trick  people, 
that  were  willing  to  be  tricked.  Si  vult  populus  decipi,  decipir 
atur. 

The  Captain  thought  it  an  immorality,  to  take  such  advan 
tage  of  the  credulity  of  the  young  and  the  ignorant;  or  even 
of  old  fools;  for  truth,  sincerity,  and  plain  dealing,  was  the 
basis  of  morality. 

A  quid  pro  quo,  in  all  contracts,  said  the  lawyer,  is  doubt 
less  necessary.  There  must  be  a  consideration;  but  it  is  not 
necessary  that  this  be  a  substantial  equivalent.  One  promise 
may  be  the  consideration  of  another.  Amusement  is  a  consid 
eration  of  a  great  part  of  our  stipulations.  Can  anything 
amuse  more  than  fair  hopes? 

The  pleasure  is  as  great, 
Of  being  cheated  as  to  cheat. 

I  am  not  able  to  argue  with  a  lawyer,  said  the  Captain,  es 
pecially  on  principles  of  law;  but  this  much  I  know,  that  the 
conjurer  engages  to  perform  what  he  cannot  do,  that  is,  to  tell 
fortunes,  and  therefore  deceives.  Hence  he  is  what  I  call  a 
rogue;  he  obtains  money  under  false  pretences.  Now  that 
my  bog-trotter,  low  as  he  is,  should  be  an  apprentice  to  a 
rogue,  or  worse,  an  assistant  and  partner  in  iniquity,  is  reflec 
tion  upon  me,  who  have  brought  him  here ;  and  independent 
of  this,  there  is  a  degradation  of  turning  devil.  A  printer*! 
devil,  we  all  know,  means  the  lad  that  cleans  types  or  puts  on 
the  black-ball;  but  this  is  a  different  sort  of  personage,  and 
actually  wears  horns,  and  is  in  semblance  of  Beelzebub,  or  at 
least  in  that  representation  of  him  wkich  the  painters  give., 


174  HODERX    CHITALRY. 

As  to  the  degradation,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  that  is  matter 
©f  opinion.     If  wo  recur  to  popular  language,  and  take  our 
ideas  of  an  honorable  calling  from  common  parlance,  we  shall 
find  nothing  of  higher  estimation,  in  grade  of  profession,  than 
that  of  the  conjurer;  we  say  of  a  physician,  he  is  no  conjurer ; 
of  a  lawyer,  he  is  no  conjurer;  and  so  on  of  other  occupations, 
meaning  that  however  eminent  any  one  may  be,  still  he  falls 
behind  the  conjurer.     But  in  a  republican  government  the 
trade  or  employment  of  a  man  is  but  little  considered.     The 
great  matter  is  the  profits  of  it.     Does  it  make  the  pot  boil? 
If  the  bog-trotter  finds  his  account  in  the  service,  and  makes 
money,  the  world  will  wink  at  the  means.     How  is  it  in  mon 
archies?     Are  not   the  meanest  offices   about  the   sovereign 
deemed  honorable?     Why  should  it  not  be  so  with  the  sove 
reign  people  ?     To  act  the  part  of  a  devil  may  be  sinful,  as  a 
divine  would  say;  but  as  to  honor,  I  do  not  know  it  to  be  any 
impeachment  to  be  a  devil.    The  greater  the  devil  the  better  the 
fellow.     It  is  a  cause  of  challenge  to  call  a  man  a  knave ;  but 
not  to  say  he  is  a  devil.    We  often  hear  it  said  of  such  an  one, 
that  he  i's  "a  devilish  clever  fellow." 

The  Captain  discovered  that  the  lawyer  was  disposed  to  be 
playful  and  not  serious,  and  dropped  the  conversation,  still 
hurt  in  his  mind  at  the  catastrophe  of  his  subordinate  itinerant, 
or  squire,  as  he  might  be  called,  and  who  had  been  on  the 
pinnacle  of  fortune,  in  point  of  expectation,  having  fallen  so 
low,  and  gone  so  far  astray  in  his  pursuits.  But  a  change  was 
given  to  his  meditations,  when,  in  the  meantime,  the  bog-trot 
ter  appeared  without  tail  or  horns,  or  a  whole  shirt  upon  his 
back.  He  had  lost  all  these  in  a  scuffle  with  the  conjurer,  about 
the  division  of  the  profits.  A  misunderstanding  had  alsc 
taken  place  on  the  subject  of  alternating  ofiices;  the  deputy 
insisting  that  he  should  change  places  o«casionally  with  the 
master,  who  should  act  the  devil  in  his  turn.  This  the  princi 
pal  refused  to  do,  and  hence  the  disagreement,  which  had 
come  to  blows,  was  the  cause  of  a  separation. 


MODERN   CHITALRY.  175 


CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

Captain  Farrago  falls  under  public  obloquy,  and  in  consequence 
resolves  to  emigrate. 

THE  instability  of  the  popular  favor  is  proverbial.  The 
Captain,  who  had  been  so  lately  popular,  became  the  object  of 
general  detraction  and  abuse.  There  were  various  causes  for 
this,  none  originating  in  his  own  fault;  but  the  ostensible  was 
the  conduct  of  Teague,  for  which  he  was  considered  responsi 
ble,  in  having  been  with  the  conjurer,  and  acting  in  the  capa 
city  of  devil.  Though,  by  the  bye,  it  was  the  people  them 
selves  that  had  brought  the  thing  about  by  masking  him  with 
tail  and  horns.  So  inconsistent  is  the  multitude,  "that  they 
blame  to  day,  what  they  themselves  had  caused  yesterday. 
The  Captain  being  hurt  at  this,  and  willing  to  clear  off  reflec 
tions  for  the  future,  determined  to  deliver  up  the  bog-trotter 
to  themselves,  to  make  of  him  what  they  thought  proper. 
Accordingly  having  called  a  town  meeting,  and  bidding 
Teague  follow  him,  and  addressing  more  particularly  the 
officers  of  the  incorporation,  he  spoke  as  follows: 

Fellow  citizens,  said  he,  here  is  that  young  man,  whom  you 
have  made  a  devil  of  in  this  town  ;  for  it  was  you  that  made 
him  a  devil,  and  yet  you  blame  me,  as  accessary  to  the  wicked 
ness,  or  rather,  the  principal  in  the  act.  Now  here  he  is, 
stripped  of  his  tail  and  horns;  and,  I  will  net  say,  like  the  sun, 
"shorn  of  his  beams,"  for  that  would  be  too  elevated  a  simile; 
nor  like  Sampson,  "shorn  of  his  hair,"  for  that  would  be  also 
pompous.  But  I  will  say,  like  yourselves,  without  superfluous 
incumbrance.  Take  him,  therefore,  into  your  custody,  and 
under  your  protection,  and  hew  him  into  whatever  shape  you 
may  choose  ;  fashion  him  as  you  please.  Make  him  the  editor 


176  MODERN    CHIYALRY. 

of  a  newspaper,  er  transform  him  even  to  a  judge  of  your 
courts.  I  shall  not  stand  in  the  way  of  his  promotion,  or  of 
your  will  any  longer. 

It  was  evident  that  the  first  impressions  of  the  people,  were 
favourable  to  the  proposition  ;  and  that  they  took  in  good  part> 
the  condeeension  of  the  Captain  to  the  public  voice.  But  a  fac 
tious  man  in  a  leathern  pair  of  breeches,  who  had  never  had 
an  opportunity  before  of  making  himself  heard,  rose  to  speak. 
Captain,  said  he,  is  it  fair  to  attempt  a  barlesque  on  the  dem- 
ocracj  by  introducing  your  servant  on  the  public  mind,  for  a 
post  of  profit,  or  of  honor?  It  is  true  the  greater  part  of  us 
are  but  plain  men,  and  illiterate,  if  you  choose  to  have  it  so;  but 
yet  it  is  to  be  hoped,  we  are  not  so  hard  run  for  persons  capa 
ble  of  civil  employments  among  ourselves,  as  to  be  under  the 
necessity  of  taking  your  bog-trotter. 

Heaven  !  said  the  Captain,  roused  a  little  in  his  mind,  for  he 
was  not  apt  to  swear,  has  it  not  been  yourselves  that  have  pro 
posed  the  matter,  and  breught  all  the  trouble  on  my  head  re 
specting  it?  I  did,  it  is  true,  in  the  first  instance,  suggest  the 
idea  of  putting  him  at  the  head  of  a  paper ;  but  it  was  without 
consideration  ;  and  I  retracted  it  both  in  my  own  judgment  and 
in  my  words  to  you,  immediately  after.  For  though  the  press 
has  been  degraded,  by  such  as  he  is,  in  that  capacity,  yet  I 
was  not  willing  to  contribute  to  the  like  evil  ?  The  making  him 
a  judge  came  from  yourselves,  it  was  an  idea  that  never  started 
in  my  brains?  It  was  your  own  burlesque  not  mine. 

Why  should  I  undervalue  democracy,  or  be  thought  to  cast 
a  slur  upon  it ;  I  that  am  a  democrat  myself.  What  proof  have 
I  given  you  of  this,  my  works  show  my  faith.  It  is  true,  I  have 
not  undervalued  learning,  or  exclaimed  against  lawyers,  or 
joined  in  the  cry  of  down  with  the  judges  ;  but  take  the  tenor 
of  my  life  and  conversation  since  the  foundation  of  the  village. 
I  was  at  the  first  settlement  of  it.  Did  I  engross  lots  of  ground? 
Has  there  been  a  necessity  for  an  agrarian  law  in  my  case  ? 
Have  I  speculated  on  the  wants  of  men,  by  forestalling,  or  re- 
grating  ?  Have  I  made  haste  to  be  rich  ?  That  is,  hava  I  over 
stepped  the  common,  means  of  industry?  Do  I  value  myself  on 


MODERN   CHIYALKY.  177 

my  fine  clothing?  Do  I  indulge  in  luxurious  living?  Is  my 
hat  off  to  a  rich  man,  sooner  than  to  the  poor?  Do  I  oppress 
the  stranger,  or  rather  do  I  not  assist  him,  and  invite  him  to 
our  habitations?  Who  has  heard  me  call  out  against  foreigners; 
or  fixing  a  prejudice  against  emigrants? 

Have  I  not  opposed  all  alien  and  sedition  laws,  and  stood 
up  against  constructive  treason?  Have  I  tfot  always  been  in 
favor  of  the  largest  liberty  to  the  citizen  consistantly  with  public 
safety  and  the  rights  of  their  persons?  Have  I  not  been  in 
favor  of  helping  the  poor,  and  those  in  middling  circumstances 
to  improve  their  condition,  and  at  the  same  time,  affording 
ample  security  and  protection  for  every  man  in  the  enjoyment 
of  the  fruits  of  his  industry,  although  inclined  to  repress  arro 
gance,  in  whatever  quarter  it  may  show  itself. 

Captain,  said  an  Irishman  coming  forward,  and  beckoning 
with  his  hand,  all  dat  you  tell  is  very  well.  But  is  it  a  gintale 
ting,  to  trow  a  ridicule  upon  de  whole  Irish  nation,  by  carry 
ing  about  wid  you  a  bog-trotter,  just  as  you  would  an  alligator, 
or  some  wild  craytur  dat  you  had  catched  upon  de  mountains, 
to  make  your  game  of  de  Irish.  By  de  holy  faders,  it  is 
too  much  in  a  free  country,  not  to  be  suffered 

Phelim,  said  another  of  the  same  nation,  interrupting  him, 
but  a  man  of  more  sense  and  liberality,  you  are  a  fool,  said  he, 
Phelim,  if  you  were  my  own  broder,  I  would  say  so  ;  you  are 
a  fool,  de  Captain  means  to  trow  no  ridicule  upon  de  nation. 
Gentlemen  of  all  countries  laugh  at  deir  own  fools,  and  made 
jokes  upon  dem  ;  not  to  show  de  follies  of  de  nation,  but  of  hu 
man  nature.  In  Dublin,  we  have  our  jokes  upon  our  Der- 
mots  and  our  Thadys,  and  de  devil  a  duel  about  it,  nor  in  dis 
country  neider,  just  for  de  sake  of  pace  and  quietness,  and 
and  good  fellowship  and  eating  and  drinking,  which  is  much 
better  dan  breaking  heads  wid  sticks,  or  shivering  one  anoder 
wid  bits  of  iron  dey  call  cutlashes,  so  hould  your  tongue,  Phelim, 
and  let  de  Captain  spake,  I  like  to  hear  him  very  well.  You 
might  as  well  take  exceptions  to  Don  Quixotte,  because  he  had 
his  Sancho,  and  wouldmake  him  a  governor,  and  was'nt  Sancho 
a  fool,  a  coward  and  a  rogue?  Sure  Cevantes  did  not  mane  to 


178  MODERN   CKIYALRT. 

trow  de  ridicule  on  de  whole  Spanish  Nation.  Dere  is  no  bra 
ver  nation  dan  de  Spanish;  I  haye  often  heard  de  Captain  say 
de  like  of  de  Irish.  On  my  soul,  dere  is  no  better  frin  to  dem. 
De  burlesque  is  on  de  counthry-borns  here,  dat  make  foole  o' 
demselves  by  maken  parliment  men  o'  Tague,  who  niver  did. 
any  ting  but  dig  turf  in  de  oul  country;  to  make  a  parliment 
man  of  Tague,  would  be  queer  in  Ireland,  and  de  Irish  nation 
has  men  of  sense  as  well  as  fools,  as  in  dis  country;  I  like  de 
fun  of  de  ting.  I  like  to  be  joked  very  well,  devil  take  me  if 
any  people  love  a  joke  better  dan  we  do  at  home,  and  dat  you 
know  very  well,  Phelim.  De  burlesque  consists  in  comparing 
de  high  wid  de  low,  and  de  low  wid  de  high,  and  de  dialogues, 
and  spaches  mark  de  characters.  It  is  de  high  dat  is  ridiculed, 
and  not  de  low,  when  you  compare  de  low  wid  it.  De  books 
and  travels  will  tache  you  dat,  Phelim.  Let  de  Captain  spake 
widout  interuptions,  and  tell  his  story.  I  like  to  hear  de  Cap 
tain  spake  very  well. 

Far  be  it  from  me,  continued  the  Captain,  to  undervalue 
Irelend,  or  to  mean  disrespect  to  the  nation,  for  there  is  no 
people  for  whose  genius  and  courage  I  entertain  a  higher  ad 
miration.  They  are  a  noble  hearted  and  hospitable  people; 
yet  it  is  in  the  very  hot  bed  of  great  qualities,  that  we  may  ex 
pect  to  find  examples  of  ignorance  and  depravity.  Much  less 
have  I  intended  a  reflection  upon  a  democratic  government,  in 
the  countenance  I  have  given  to  the  proposition  of  advancing 
him  in  grades  and  occupations.  Nor  is  it  democracy,  that  I 
have  meant  to  expose,  or  reprehend  in  any  thing  that  I  have 
said,  but  the  errors  of  it — those  excesses  which  lead  to  our  over 
throw.  These  excesses  have  shown  themselves  in  all  demo 
cratic  governments;  whence  it  is  that  a  simple  democracy  has 
never  been  able  to  exist  long.  An  (experiment  is  now  made  in 
a  new  world,  and  upon  better  principles,  that  of  representation 
and  a  more  perfect  separation  and  nearer  equipoise  of  the  leg 
islative,  judicial,  and  executive  powers.  But  the  balance  of 
the  powers,  is  not  easily  preserved. — The  natural  tendency  is 
to  one  scale.  The  demagogue,  the  courtier  of  democracy,  in 
the  first  great  destroyer,  of  the  constitution,  by  deceiving  tha 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  '     179 

people.  He  is  an  aristocrat,  and  seeks  after  more  power  than 
is  just.  He  will  never  rest  short -of  despotic  rule.  Have  I 
deceived  the  people?  Why  then  am  I  suspected  of  a  want  of 
patrotism,  and  good  will  to  the  people?  Why  am  I  charged 
with  ridicule  at  their  expense,  who  wish  nothing  more  than  to 
inform  their  understanding,  and  seek  their  own  good. 

But  is  it  not  presumption  in  you,  Captain,  to  undertake  this, 
in  any  shape;  said  a  man  with  a  shrill  voice.  Is  it  not  an  in 
sult  upon  the  people,  to  suppose  that  they  can  err,  or  suppo 
sing  it  that  you  can  set  them  right? 

It  is  too  much  to  bear,  said  a  third  person,  with  a  grey  coat, 
I  am  for  repressing  all  such  presumption.  It  leads  to  aristo 
cracy. 

The  blind  lawyer  got  up  to  speak. 

We  will  hear  no  lawyer,  said  a  man  with  a  long  chin,  and  a 
pale  visage. 

It  is  the  blind  lawyer  said  a  friend  of  the  Captain. 
Blind  or  purblind,  said  the  man  with  the  pale  visage,  we 
shall  hear  no  lawyer  here.  The  Captain  has  bred  a  great  deal 
of  disturbance,  since  he  returned  to  the  village.  He  has  op* 
posed  us  in  every  thing  that  we  proposed  to  do.  No  reform  can 
be  carried  on,  but  he  must  have  his  objections  and  exceptions 
from  the  nature  of  government.  Just  as  if  the  making  or 
keeping  up  a  government,  was  a  thing  of  mixture  and  compo. 
sition,  like  a  doctor's  drug.  As  if  a  man  must  learn  it,  as  he 
would  to  make  a  watch  or  to  keep  it  in  repair  like  a  clock.  Can 
their  be  any  thing  more  simple  than  for  the  people  just  to  gov 
ern  themselves  ?  What  needs  all  this  talk  of  checks  and  bal 
ances  ?  Why  keep  up  laws  and  judges,  at  an  expense  as  if  the 
people  were  not  compstent  to  give  laws,  and  to  judge  for  them 
selves? 

Ye  need  na'  mind  the  Captain,  said  Duncan,  coming  forward, 
having  a  regard  for  him,  and  seeing  him  in  a  delicate  predica 
ment  the  anger  of  the  people  kindling;  ye  need  na'  mind  the 
Captain,  said  he,  for  he's  no  right  in  his  head.  He  has  got 
some  kink  in  his  intellek,  that  gars  him  conceit  strange  things. 
I  was  his  waiter  twa  or  three  month*,  and  I  found  him  a  wee 


180  MODERN   CHITALRT, 

thing  cracked;  and  ye  canna  weel  but  find  it  sae,  when  ye  tak 
a  look  at  his  vagaries  and  imaginations.  Just  let  him  go  about 
his  business,  and  mind  your  ain  affairs.  It  wud  be  a  shame 
to  fall  out  wi'  a  man  that's  no  right  in  his  head. 

If  that  be  the  case,  said  a  man  with  a  brown  wig,  great 
allowance  ought  to  be  made.  None  of  ourselves  can  tell  how 
long  our  natural  reason  may  be  continued  to  us.  To  be  sure 
he  talks  like  a  man  that  is  not  just  himself.  But  we  did  not 
know  but  that  it  might  be  a  disguise  to  conceal  his  views;  the 
mask  of  simplicity,  the  better  to  introduce  aristocracy. 

Gentlemen,  said  the  Captain,  I  shall  not  contradict  Duncan, 
who,  I  am  persuaded,  believes  what  he  says.  But  since  my  ser 
vices  amongst  you  at  present,  do  not  seem  to  well  be  received, 
though  from  my  heart  well  intended,  I  will  leave  you  for  a 
while,  and  call  off  the  bog-trotter  to  another  ramble.  Consid 
ering  it  as  a  banishment  in  fact,  though  not  in  name ;  and 
adopting  the  language  of  ono  under  like  circumstances,  I  will 
wish  that  the  village  may  never  have  occasion  to  remember  me 
or  my  observations. 


CHAPTER   XXXVII. 

Reflections  of  the  author  on  various  subjects.     The  neglect  of  the 
legislature  to  establish  schools,  and  to  promote  learning. 

SOME  of  our  readers  may  be  displeased  at  the  introduction 
of  the  name  of  Porcupine,  and  at  our  having  alluded  to  that 
other  savage  of  the  types,  Callender ;  for  although  no  man  can 
respect  these  characters,  yet  consciousness  of  having  once 
favored  them  from  other  motives,  will  touch  the  self-love  of 
some;  as  it  will  be  said  the  one  is  dead,  and  the  other  ran 
away,  and  it  was  not  worth  while,  or  perbaps  liberal,  to  make 
use  of  their  names  even  in  a  dramatic  way,  or  as  a  character 
in  a  fable.  As  to  Porcupine,  it  was  said  at  the  time,  that 
though  occasionally  coarse  in  his  language,  and  gross  in  hi§ 


MODERN    CHIVALRY".  181 

reflections,  yet  such  a  spirit  and  style  of  writing  was  necessary 
to  counteract  the  excess  of  democratic  principles;  that  in  fact, 
it  did  good.  I  doubt  upon  that  head;  or  rather,  to  the  best  of 
my  judgment,  it  did  harm  to  the  cause  which  it  was  thought 
to  serve.  Indignation  is  insensibly  transferred  from  the  advo 
cate  to  the  cause. 

It  has  been  said  in  the  British  Parliament,  that  "he  de 
served  a  statue  of  gold  for  his  services  rendered  here."  This 
ib  a  great  mistake.  He  did  injury  to  the  character  of  British 
manners  and  liberality.  It  produced  something  like  a  personal 
lesontrnent  against  the  whole  nation  whence  such  a  writer 
came.  An  intemperate  partizan,  in  public  or  private  life,  can 
never  serve  any  cause. 

But  it  was  not  with  a  view  to  portray  this  spectre  of  scurril 
ity  that  the  name  is  introduced;  but  because  it  suited  to  the 
counterpart,  Polecat.  I  had  thought  of  Panther;  but  Porcu 
pine  could  be  drawn  from  real  life,  and  was  at  hand. 

I  will  not  say  that  before  Porcupine  came,  and  since,  there 
has  not  been  a  portion  of  scurrility  in  some  gazettes,  unworthy 
of  the  press.  There  has  been  too  much;  but  I  believe  the 
example  and  the  fate  of  this  monster  and  his  successor,  Cal- 
lender,  has  greatly  contributed  to  reform  the  abuse.  It  is  a 
check  upon  an  editor  to  bo  threatened,  not  with  a  prosecution, 
but  to  be  called  a  Porcupine  or  a~  Callender.* 

It  will  be  natural  for  a  reader  to  apply  in  his  own  mind,  the 
history  of  the  village  and  its  agitations,  to  the  state  where  we 
live;  and  it  will  be  asked,  what  ground  is  there  for  the  idea, 
that  here  we  talk  of  pulling  down  churches,  or  burning  col 
leges?  There  is  no  ground,  so  far  as  respects  churches;  but  it 
is  introduced  by  way  of  illustration.  What  if  any  ore  should 
say,  let  us  have  no  books,  and  no  doctrines  but  the  ten  com 
mandments,  the  Lord's  prayer  and  the  apostle's  creed  ?  Give 

*  Porcupine,  or  Gobbet,  in  this  country,  was  a  violent  hater  of 
democracy,  and  wrote  a  pamphlet  entitled,  "A  bone  to  gnaw,  for 
the  democracy."  When  he  returned  to  England  he  became  a  Jaco 
bin  or  Radical.  Callender  was  an  unprincipled,  malignant  slander 
er;  williug  to  write  for  or  against  any  one  for  money. 
15 


182  MODERN   CHITALIIT. 

us  the  gospels  in  a  narrow  compass,  and  have  no  more  preach 
ing  about  it;  let  there  be  no  more  churches  or  preachers!    Let 
it  be  so  with  the  law ;  why  cannot  we  have  it  in  pocket  book, 
and  let  every  many  be  his  own  lawyer?    Our  acts  of  assembly 
till  several  folio  volumes ;  and  yet  these  are  not  the  one  thou- 
santh  part  of  our  law.    Why  not,  at  least,  put  the  acts  of 
assembly  in  a  nut  shell?    Ask  our  legislators.    "What  else  law 
have  we  but  the  acts  of  the  legislative  body  ?    The  law  of 
nations  forms  a  part  of  the  municipal  law  of  this  state.    This 
law  is  of  great  extent,  and  to  be  collected  from  many  books. 
The  common  law,  before  the  revolution,  made  a  part  of  our 
law;  and  by  an  act  of  our  legislature,    is  recognized  and 
established  to  be  a  part  of  our  law,  "and  such  of  the  statute 
laws  of  England  as  have  heretofore  been  in  force."     This  law 
must  be  collected  from  commentaries  and  decisions.     It  is  of 
an  immense  extent,  because  the  relation  of  men  and  contracts 
of  parties   are  of  an  infinite  variety.    But  how  is   Turkey 
governed?     Do  the  mufti  require  such  a  multiplicity  of  rules? 
No,  nor  the  cadi  in  Persia;  because  "having  no  law,  they  are 
a  law  unto  themselves."    There  is  no  jury  there.    It  must  be 
a  profession,  a  business  of  study,  to  understand  our  law;  we 
cannot  therefore  burn  the  books  of  law,  or  court-houses,  any 
more  than  we  can  dispense  with  sermons  and  commentaries 
on  the  Bible,  or  pull  down  our  religious  edifices,  without,  at 
the  same  time,  breaking  up  all  the  solid  foundations  of  society. 
All  nations  which  have  become  great  and  powerful,  have  had  a 
religion.    It  is,  therefore,  a  necessity.     There  never  has  been, 
and  there  never  will  be  a  nation  of  philosophers,  or  theo-phi- 
lanthropists,  men,  women  and  children.     And  if  there  must 
be  a  religion,  I  cannot  hesitate  to  give  the  preference  to  the 
Christian  over  the   heathen.       The   arrogant  and  conceited 
visionary  may  laugh,  but  it  will  be  the  laugh  of  folly. 

I  will  not  say  that  people  talk  of  burning  colleges;  but  they 
do  not  talk  much  of  building  them  up.  The  Constitution  pro 
vides,  Article  7,  "  That  the  legislature  shall,  as  soon  as  conve 
niently  may  be,  provide  by  law  for  the  establishment  of  schools 
throughout  the  state,  in  such  manner  that  the  poor  may  be 
taught  gratis."  Something  has  been  done  for  academics  and 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  183 

colleges,  but  no-hing  for  primitive  schools.*  It  is  these  which 
form  the  springs  and  rills  to  feed  the  larger  streams.  It  is 
here  that  government  should  begin,  and  it  has  yet  done  noth 
ing.  These  are  the  schools  for  the  children  of  the  republic; 
but  are  there  no  schools  for  grown  persons?  Yes,  there  is 
the  democracy,  pure  and  simple,  of  their  town  meetings,  and 
primary  assemblages,  where  every  one  may  take  part.  There 
is  again,  representation  in  the  city  or  borough  corporations, 
and  state  legislature;  in  the  courts  of  justice,  service  on  juries; 
and  the  many  other  duties,  where  they  can  acquire  a  practical 
knowledge  of  their  obligations;  thus  fitting  the  humblest 
citizen  to  carry  on  the  scheme  of  a  representative  democracy. 
Without  this  apprenticeship,  and  experience  thus  acquired, 
they  would  only  be  fit  to  be  ruled  by  a  master.  Our  state 
legislatures  are  great  schools,  or  rather  colleges.  I  have 
known  countrymen,  at  first  little  better  than  clowns,  but  pos 
sessing  good  natural  parts,  after  the  service  of  two  or  three 
sessions,  become  respectable  statesmen,  and  no  enemies  to 
education,  some  of  these  afterwards  rose  to  distinction  in 
either  house  of  Congress.  Every  ten  years,  some  thousands  of 
statesmen  are  reared  in  these  state  schools. 

Sec.  11.  "The  arts  and  sciences  shall  be  promoted  in  one  or 
more  seminaries  of  learning."  We  do  not  hear  of  much  exer 
tion  on  this  head,  either  in  the  legislative  body  or  out  of  doors. 
But  what  is  more  exceptionable,  or  at  least  unfortunate,  in  the 
opinion  of  literary  men,  and  perhaps  in  the  opinion  of  some 
that  have  the  misfortune  not  to  be  learned,  is  that  learning 
does  not  seem  to  be  in  repute  universally.  The  surest  means 
in  some  places,  as  is  said,  to  make  your  way  to  a  public  func 
tion,  is  to  declaim  against  learning.  It  would  be  a  libel  oa 
the  body  politic,  if  a  state  could  be  the  subject  of  a  libel,  to 
say  or  to  insinuate,  that  this  is  general.  But  it  is  heard  in  some 
places.  I  do  not  know  that  it  is  carried  so  far  that  a  candidate 
for  an  office  will  affect  not  to  be  able  to  write,  but  make  his-mark, 
but  it  is  not  far  from  it;  for  he  will  take  care  to  have  it  known 

*  This  was  written  many  years  before  the  passage  of  the  Common 
School  law.    Vast  changes  have  been  made  within  thirty  years. 


184  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

that  he  is  no  scholar;  that  he  has  had  no  dealings  with  the 
devil  in  this  way;  that  he  has  kept  himself  all  his  life,  thank 
God,  free  from  the  black  art  of  letters;  that  he  has  nothing 
but  the  plain  light  of  nature  to  go  by,  and  therefore  cannot  be 
a  rogue;  that  as  for  learned  men  that  have  sold  themselves  to 
the  devil,  they  may  go  to  their  purchaser ;  he  will  have  nothing 
to  do  with  old  Nick  or  his  agents.  This  is  not  just  the  lan 
guage  used;  but  it  is  the  spirit  of  it.  It  may  be  a  carricature, 
as  we  distort  features  to  make  deformity  more  deformed.  But 
the  picture  is  not  without  some  original  of  this  drawing.  To 
speak  figuratively,  as  we  say  of  fevers,  it  may  be  in  low 
grounds,  and  about  marshes,  that  we  have  the  predisposition; 
that  is,  in  secluded  parts  of  the  country.  But  so  it  is,  that  it 
does  exist. 

It  is  true,  the  savages  of  our  frontier  country,  and  elsewhere, 
dispense  with  the  use  of  letters;  and  at  a  treaty,  Canajohalas 
and  other  chiefs  make  their  marks.  They  are  able  counsellors, 
and  bloody  wrrriors,  notwitstanding.  The  Little  Turtle  de 
feated  General  St.  Clair,  who  is  a  man  of  genius,  and  literary 
education ;  and  yet  the  Little  Turtle  can  neither  read  nor  write, 
any  more  than  a  wild  turkey,  or  a  water  tarapin.  But  let  it  be 
considered,  that  the  deliberations  of  the  council-house,  at  the 
Miami  towns,  embrace  but  simple  objects;  and  a  man  may 
throw  a  tomahawk  that  holds  a  pen,  but  very  awkwardly.  So 
that  there  is  nothing  to  be  inferred  from  this,  candidly  speak 
ing.  I  grant  that  Charlemagne  made  his  mark  by  dipping 
his  hand  in  ink  and  placing  it  upon  the  parchment.  It  was 
his  hand,  no  doubt;  but  it  musthave  taken  up  a  large  portion 
of  the  vellum;  and  it  would  have  saved  expense,  if  he  could 
have  signed  himself  in  a  smaller  character.  But  what  may 
pass  in  an  illiterate  age,  with  an  emperor,  will  not  be  so  well 
received  in  a  more  enlightened  period,  and  in  the  case  of  a 
common  person.  Every  free  citizen,  in  this  country,  has  a 
high  duty  to  perform,  as  important  as  that  of  a  hereditary  sov- 
reign;  as  far  as  these  duties  extend,  he  is  also  a  sovereign 
by  virtue  of  birth-right. 

It  is  not  the  want  of  learning  that  I  consider  as  a  defect;  but 
the  contempt  of  it.  A  man  of  strong  mtnd  may  do  without  it; 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


185 


but  he  ought  not  to  undervalue  the  assistance  of  it,  in  those 
who  have  but  moderate  parts  to  depend  upon.  It  is  a  bad 
lesson  to  young  people,  who  had  better  take  a  lesson  from 
their  books.  At  any  rate,  it  is  good  to  have  the  thing  mixed ; 
here  a  scholar  and  there  an  illiterate  person;  that  the  honesty 
of  the  one  may  correct;  the  craft  of  the  other. 

How  comes  it  that  the  lawyer  in  this  slate  seems  to  be  con 
sidered  as  a  limb  of  Satan?  There  is  a  great  prejudice  against 
them.  It  would  seem  to  me  that  it  is  carried  to  an  extreme. 
I  acknowledge  there  are  some  faults  in  the  profession,  which 
ought  to  be  corrected,  and  I  have  not  spared  them;  but  with  the 
kindness  of  a  father  who  corrects  a  child.  The  evil  is,  that  it 
may  become  less  liberal,  and  a  mere  trade  to  get  money;  and 
the  law  is  not  so  much  studied  as  a  science,  that  is  connect 
ed  with  literary  attainments.  The  evil  stands  on  the 
ground  of  prejudice  against  learning.  An  advertisement 
appeared  some  years  ago  in  a  Philadelphia  newspaper  of  a 
ship  just  arrived,  with  indented  servants;  tradesmen  of  all 
descriptions;  carpenters,  joiners,  and  sawyers.  The  error  of 
the  press  had  made  it  lawyers.  It  gave  a  general  alarm;  for 
the  people  thought  we  had  enough  of  them  in  the  country 
already. 

But  if  we  have  lawyers  at  all,  it  is  certainly  an  advantage  to 
have  them  well  educated.  "Were  it  for  nothing  else  but  the 
credit  of  the  thing,  I  should  like  to  see  an  enlightened  and 
liberal  bar  in  the  country.  It  is  thought  that  learning  makes 
them  make  long  speeches.  If  that  should  be  made  to  appear, 
I  bar  learning;  for  I  like  brevity;  with  Shakespeare,  I  think 
it  "the  soul  of  wit." 

I  attribute  the  making  long  speeches,  to  the  taking  long 
notes.  When  everything  is  taken  down,  everything  must  b3 
answered,  though  it  is  not  worth  the  answering.  This  draws 
replies  long  into  the  night;  and  we  labor  under  the  disadvan 
tage  of  not  having  woolsacks  to  sleep  upon  as  they  have  in 
England,  while  the  counsel  are  fatiguing  themselves,  or  at 
least  the  juries. 

The  present  tendency  of  the  public  mind  is  in  favor  of  justi 
ces  of  the  peace,  and  arbitration.  Yet  the  suitors  are  glad 


186 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


to  get  back  into  court  again.  In  China  there  are  only 
justices  of  the  peace,  who  are  called  mandarins,  with  an  ap 
peal  to  the  emperor,  which  seldom  reaches  him.  From  the 
accounts  that  we  have,  justice  is  dispensed  in  a  very  summary 
way,  but  is  it  more  agreeable  to  justice?  I  should  think  not. 

A  limb  of  the  law,  is  a  good  name  for  a  lawyer;  for  we  say 
a  limb  of  Satan  ;  and  a  lawyer  in  a  free  country  is  the  next 
thing  to  it;  a  thorn  in  the  flesh  to  buffet  the  people!  There  is 
freedom  enough  in  the  constitution,  why  need  we  be  afraid  of 
aristocracy  in  practise?  Every  man  is  brought  up  to  the  bull 
ring  in  a  court  of  law,  be  he  rich  or  poor;  but  the  scheriff,  in 
Arabia,  who  is  a  justice  of  the  peace,  not  like  our  sheriff  here, 
though  it  is  spelt  the  same  nearly,  can  summon  no  jury ;  at 
least  he  takes  care  not  to  do  it.  But  the  governments  of  those 
countries  are  arbitrary,  not  free.  A  free  government,  and  the 
exclusion  of  the  profession  of  the  law,  cannot  be  reconciled  ; 
for  where  laws  are  numerous,  somebody  must  make  it  their 
business  to  be  acquired  with  them.  And  where  they  are 
not  numerous,  the  state  of  society  must  be  simple,  or  arbitrary 
power  take  their  place. 

How  can  the  overthrow  of  a  judiciary  tribunal  affect  liberty  ? 
No  otherwise  than  as  it  militates  against  a  branch  of  the  gov 
ernment.  Take  away  a  main  branch  from  a  tree,  and  its 
balance  will  be  destroyed — its  health  impaired.  The  judiciary 
is  the  arm  and  shield,  which  protects  the  weak  from  the  strong; 
the  strong  in  body,  in  mind  or  in  wealth.  But  suppose  the 
judiciary  branch  goes;  the  legislative  and  executive  remain. 
There  are  two  sprigs  to  the  legislative  branch.  Which  is 
strongest?  That  of  the  house  of  representatives.  Is  there  no 
danger  of  this  outgrowing  the  other  two  ?  There  is  half  a 
sprig  in  the  executive.  But  the  great  sprig  of  the  popular 
branch,  or  house  of  representatives,  is  "the  rod  of  Aaron  that 
will  swallow  up  the  other  rods."  There  is  a  talk  now  of  abol 
ishing  the  senate.  That  will  be  talked  of  unless  it  becomes  an 
enregistering  office.  It  is  hoped  that  will  never  be.  In  this  I 
allude  not  to  any  disposition  that  has  yet  shown  itself  in  the 
house  of  representatives  ;  but  to  what  I  have  heard  broached 
out  of  doors.  The  senate  is  a  check,  a  restraint,  a  curb,  and 


MODERN1   CHITALRT.  187 

wild  liberty  OP  licentiousness,  hates  all  restraints,  or  checks, 
or  curbs.  Wild  liberty  loves  to  indulge  its  passions  at  what 
ever  cost  to  others.  It  cares  for  nothing  but  itself. 

Despotism  is  not  a  self-born  thing.  It  has  its  origin  in  first 
causes.  These  are  not  perceptible,  like  the  gas  that  produces 
the  yellow  fever.  Why  call  out  against  the  fever?  It  is  the 
gas  that  is  the  cause.  Whence  sprung  the  emperor  who  now 
rules  the  French?  From  the  mountain  of  the  national  assem 
bly.  It  is  the  madness  of  the  people  that  make  emperors. 
They  are  not  always  aware  when  they  are  sowing  serpents' 
teeth.  Reflecting  men  saw  the  emperor  in  the  insurrections 
of  Paris;  in  the  revolutionary  tribunals;  in  the  denominacy 
of  the  clubs;  in  the  deportations  to  Cayenne.  Whether  it 
springs  from  the  seed,  or  grows  from  the  plant;  is  oviparous, 
or  viviparous,  despotism  is  not  of  a  day ;  it  is  of  gradual 
increase.  It  is  from  the  people  themselves. 

Is  it  the  duty  of  the  representative  to  obey  instructions? 
Theoretically,  as  he  is  to  deliberate,  it  is  his  duty  to  follow 
the  dictates  of  his  own  judgment;  but  practically,  which  is 
the  more  difficult  to  obey  or  not  to  obey?  If  the  latter,  then 
is  there  more  merit  in  disobeying  and  acting  correctly,  accord 
ing  to  the  theory,  as  it  may  involve  a  self-sacrifice.  The  dan 
ger  lies  in  yielding  too  willing  an  obedience.  Representation 
ia  one  of  the  checks  on  hasty  legislation.* 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

Reflections  continued.     The  talk  of  abolishing  th*  courts.    An 
apology  to  the  lawyers. 

IN  what  has  been  said  in  the  last  chapter,  of  certain  de 
structive  propensities,  I  have  had  in  view  the  prejudice*  of  the 
people,  and  not  the  proceedings  of  any  public  body.  The  talk 
out  of  doors  is  the  fountain  which  is  to  be  purified.  It  is  into 
this  pool  I  cast  my  salt.  Representatives  must  yield  to  the 

*  The  foregoing  chapter  contains  very  important  topics.  It  is  emi 
nently  conservative.  The  idea  of  representation  being  a  check,  is  new 


188  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


prejudices  of  the  people,  contrary  to  their  own  judgment,  and 
when  that  judgment  may  be  right.  I  have  been  in  a  legisla 
ture  myself,  and  I  know  how  a  member  must  yield  to  clamors 
at  home.* 

I  am  far  from  condemning  the  impeachment  of  the  judges. 
I  rejoice  at  this  power  in  the  constitution.  Yet,  sublime  i& 
the  tribunal  that  is  to  judge  judges.  Our  senators,  in  this 
capacity,  if  I  may  venture  to  say  so,  are  the  representatives  of 
heaven.  I  see  them  seated  on  amount  "fast  by  God;"  the 
stream  of  justice  issuing  at  their  right  hand;  full  and  equal  in 
its  current;  crystal  in  its  fountains,  and  giving  freshness  to 
groves  and  gardens  on  its  borders.  The  stream  of  injustice 
on  the  left,  bursting  like  a  torrent  of  inflamed  naptha,  scorch 
ing  and  consuming  all  before  it. 

Possibly  I  may  offend  the  lawyers,  for  mingling  censure  with 
the  defence  of  their  profession.  I  have  said  to  them,  as  was 
said  to  the  Pharisees,  "Use  not  vain  repititions  as  the  hea 
then  do;  for  they  think  they  shall  be  heard  for  their  much 
speaking."  By  the  bye,  the  heathen  with  us,  that  is,  the 
savages  of  North  America,  are  not  long  speakers.  They 
call  it  a  talk,  it  is  true;  but  it  is  raised  above  a  common  con 
versation.  And  they  are  not  tedious  speakers;  short,  clear, 
and  pithy,  are  the  characteristics  of  their  eloquence. 

The  heathen!  Are  the  Gentile  nations  here  meant,  that 
bordered  on  Judea,  or  does  it  refer  to  redundance  of  the  Greek 
and  Roman  eloquence  ?  The  loquacious  Greek  was  proverbial. 
When  a  language  becomes  copious,  the  speakers  become  ver 
bose. 

But  the  lawyers  will  say,  how  can  we  help  it?  The  client 
will  have  talk  for  his  money.  He  purchased  his  plantation  by 
the  acre;  he  sells  his  wheat  by  the  bushel;  or,  if  a  shopkeeper 
in  the  city,  he  measures  tape  by  the  yard.  Omnia  Deus  dedit, 

*The  author,  while  in  the  legislature,  was  instructed  by  his  con 
stituents  to  support  a  loan  office  law,  a  wretched  expedient  against 
the  hard  times  and  scarcity  of  money,  then  prevailing.  He  re 
fused,  at  the  expense  of  his  popularity.  The  law  was  passed,  and 
only  added  to  the  evil,  besides  entailing  on  the  state  a  long  train  of 
cnibnrrassmrnfs. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY 


says  toe  Latin  scholar,  numero,  mensura,  etpondere.*  He  will 
have  quantity,  let  what  will  go  with  the  quality.  For  of  that 
he  is  not  a  judge. 

I  admit  it  is  difficult  to  get  a  man  to  understand  that  the 
cause  is  oftentimes  won  with  judgment  and  silence,  like  the 
game  of  chess.  All  depends  upon  the  move.  A  client  will  say, 
you  ought  to  refund  m?  something,  or  take  less  than  I  prom 
ised.  You  had  no  trouble.  Or  he  will  go  away  and  say,  law 
yer  M'Gonnicle  took  twenty  dollars  from  me,  and  did  not  say 
a  word. 

He  was  six  hours  on  his  feet,  says  a  man  coming  from  the 
court.  This  sounds  well,  and  it  looks  as  if  the  man  was  a  great 
lawyer.  So,  that  self-preservation  is  at  the  bottom  of  long 
speaking.  Or  it  is  in  accommodation  to  false  opinion. 

I  admit  some  in  all  this.  An  advocate  will  occasionally  find 
himself  under  the  necessity  of  saying  more  than  is  necessary, 
in  order  to  save  appearances,  and  to  satisfy  his  client,  who  is 
not  like  the  court  and  jury,  weary  of  the  harangue. 

But  this  is  not  the  great  cause  of  prolixity.  It  has  a  deeper 
root;  it  is  a  false  style  of  eloquence  that  has  been  introduced, 
and  is  become  fashionable.  I  have  asked  Chief  Justice  Ship- 
pen  if  he  could  trace  the  origin  and  progress  of  it.  Is  it  im 
ported  or  of  domestic  origin?  He  thinks  it  was  introduced  by 
John  Dickinson,  who  was  an  agreeable  but  a  long-winded 
speaker.  At  nisi  prius,  or  at  bar,  in  England,  there  was  no 
such  thing.  But  whether  there  is  or  not,  is  of  no  account. 
The  thing  ought  not  to  be. 

A  lawyer  must  say  everything  that  his  ingenuity  can  sug 
gest  on  the  subject.  The  strongest  reasons  are  not  sufficient; 
he  must  bring  up  the  weaker.  After  throwing  bombs  he  must 
cast  jackstones. 

There  is  more  sense  in  the  common  mind  than  is  imagined; 
and  close  thought  in  strong  words  will  be  understood,  and  a 
few  will  suffice.  Let  the  lawyer  think  more  in  his  office.  The 
more  he  studies  his  case,  the  better  will  he  understand  it;  and 
the  better  he  understands  it,  the  fewer  will  be  the  words  he 
will  need  to  explain  it. 

*  God  gave  everything  by  rmmber,  weight,  ard  measure. 


190 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


The  bar  of  this  state  is  said  to  excel  in  legal  knowledge;  but 
certainly  is  behind  none  in  liberality  of  practice,  and  delicacy 
in  argument.  In  practice,  no  catches,  or  as  the  common  peo 
ple  call  it,  snap  judgments.  This  the  meanest  lawyer  can  do; 
a  rat  can  gnaw  a  bowstring  of  Philoctetes. 

I  will  not  say  that  hence  arises  wholly  the  prejudice  against 
lawyers.  A  prejudice  against  the  liberal  professions  exists  in 
all  countries ;  or  they  are  made  the  subjects  of  invective  from 
the  occasional  abuse  of  their  privileges.  "Woe  unto  you 
lawyers,"  is  a  scriptural  expression,  and  applies  to  the  priests 
among  the  Jews  who  were  the  interpreters  of  the  law  of  Mo 
ses.  The  physicians  of  all  countries  are  said  to  kill  people. 
And  as  to  advocates,  they  get  no  quarter  in  any  country. 
Wits  will  exclaim,  even  without  ill  will.  Don  Quevedo,  a 
Spanish  writer,  in  his  vision  of  hell,  tells  us,  that  he  observed 
a  couple  of  men  lying  on  their  backs  asleep  in  a  corner,  with 
the  cobwebs  grown  across  their  mouths.  He  was  told  these 
were  porters,  and  had  been  employed  in  carrying  in  lawyers, 
but  there  had  been  no  occasion  for  their  services,  for  a  century 
past ;  these  cattle  had  come  so  fast  of  themselves  that  the 
carriers  had  laid  themselves  up  in  the  interval  of  business  to 
take  a  nap  their. 

As  to  the  length  of  speaking,  how  can  it  be  helped  in  advo 
cates  ?  Not  by  any  act  of  the  legislature,  constitutionally,  at 
least  in  criminal  cases  ;  for  it  is  provided  by  the  constitution 
that  in  criminal  cases,  the  party  shall  be  heard  by  himself  and 
his  counsel.  But  this  provision  was  not  meant  to  exclude  the 
right  in  civil  cases,  which  existed  at  common  law ;  but  be 
cause  in  capital  cases,  in  the  courts  of  criminal  jurisdiction  in 
England,  counsel  was  not  allowed  to  the  accused,  except  on 
law  points,  arising  on  the  trial.  In  civil  cases  the  legislature 
may  change  the  law  or  modify  it ;  but  I  am  not  able  to  say 
what  regulation  by  an  act  of  the  legislature,  might  be  expedi 
ent;  or  what  practicable  by  the  courts  themselves.  The  safest 
and  most  easy  remedy  would  be  in  the  bar  themselves ;  culti 
vating  a  style  of  eloquence  of  greater  brevity,  and  endeavoring 
to  be  more  laconic  in  their  speeches. 

But  hinting,  as  has  been  done  with  regard  to  the  exuberance 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  191 

of  oratory  at  the  bar,  it  is  to  be  taken  subject  to  the  exception 
of  cases  which  cannot  be  considered  in  a  few  words,  either 
where  the  facts  are  complicated,  and  the  evidence  voluminous, 
or  where  the  law  embraces  a  wide  scope  of  argument.  The 
elocution  in  some  cases,  must  be  drawn  from  the  law  of 
nature;  the  law  of  nations;  the  municipal  law.  Statutes, 
commentaries,  and  decisions,  must  be  examined  at  full  length. 
It  is  not  half  a  day,  nor  a  day,  that  will  always  suffice  to  do 
justice  to  a  question.  The  court  themselves  will  stand  in  need 
of  the  careful  preparation,  and  the  minute  investigation  of  the 
counsel.  The  bringing  forward  lucidly,  and  arguing  a  matter 
well,  is  a  great  help  to  a  court.  It  is  doing  for  them  what  they 
would  have  done  for  themselves,  without  their  assistance.  The 
labor  of  the  counsel  is  the  ease  of  the  court  Many  a  mid 
night  thought  is  expended  by  the  laborious  lawyer,  of  which 
the  court  feels  the  benefit  and  light  which  he  throws  upon 
the  subject  of  litigation.  It  is  the 

Kudis  indigestaque  moles, 

of  the  unprepared,  that  wastes  the  most  time. 

It  is  the  highest  effort  of  a  strong  mind  to  condense,  to  ana 
lyse,  to  reduce  matter  to  its  quintessence.  Having  taken  a 
comprehensive  view  of  the  whole  horizon  of  the  subject,  the 
men  of  talents  collect  the  principals  that  govern  and  illustrate 
the  case.  To  state  the  press  these,  is  the  effort  of  the  great 
orator.  To  reduce  to  generals,  and  bring  forward  the  result. 

But  in  order  to  speak  short  upon  any  subject,  think  long. 
Much  reflection  is  the  secret  of  all  that  is  excelent  in  oratory. 
No  man  that  speaks  just  enough  and  no  more,  ever  wearies 
those  that  hear  him.  And  that  is  enough  which  exhausts  the 
subject  before  the  patience  of  the  auditory. 

There  is  such  a  thing  as  alarming  the  patience.  A  speaker 
branches  on  his  subject.  It  is  all  proper  that  this  should  be 
done  in  his  own  mind.  It  is  necessary  that  he  should  have  a 
system  of  argument,  and  a  certain  order  of  arrangement. 
But  I  do  not  approve  of  an  explanation  of  this,  with  firstlys, 
eecondlys  and  thirdlys,  up  to  tenthlys,  showing  as  many  heads 
and  horns  as  the  beast  in  the  Revolutions.  I  remember  the 


192  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

alarm  which  I  have  felt  listening  to  a  speaker  in  the  pulpit, 
when  he  has  spread  out  the  table  of  his  doctrine  into  heads 
and  sections.  When  he  had  done  with  the  first,  that  is  well, 
thought  I.  But  then  there  is  the  second  head  ;  will  he  be  as 
long  upon  that?  Now  if  he  had  said,  this  point  of  doctrine 
arises  from  the  text,  I  would  have  heard  it  out  without  fore 
casting  in  my  mind  that  the  ulterior  divisions  were  to  come  yet. 
It  is  not  in  the  language  of  nature  to  have  such  compartments. 
It  is  well  enough  in  a  book  of  didactic  dissertation.  For  there 
one  caji  lay  down  the  volume,  and  amuse  himself  otherwise, 
when  he  is  weary.  The  Indian,  in  his  talk,  has  an  order  in 
his  mind,  and  pursues  it  by  the  wampum  belt,  as  the  Catholic 
says  his  prayers  by  his  beads.  That  is  not  the  secret  of  per 
suasion,  which  does  not  steal  upon  the  heart;  and  whatever 
the  effect  in  matters  of  judgment,  may  be  the  annunciation  of 
method,  ib  is  unfavorable  to  all  that  interests  the  heart,  and 
governs  the  imagination.  iTou  will  see  no  such  thing  in  De 
mosthenes  or  Curran.  Cicero  has  something  of  it,  but  I 
always  thought  it  a  blemish.  Ars  cst  celare  arlem,  according 
to  Quintillian. 

There  is  no  such  thing  in  the  works  of  nature.  Artificial 
gardens  sometimes  present  that  view,  but  these  are  not  in  the 
best  taste;  and  is  therefore  studiously  avoided  in  the  modern 
style  of  English  gardening.  The  beauties  of  nature  are 
seized  upon,  concentrated  and  heightened.  The  hills,  moun 
tains,  vales,  and  extensive  plains,  in  nature,  are  distributed  with 
a  beautiful  variety.  The  stars  of  heaven,  are  not  placed  at 
regular  distances  ;  yet  there  is  a  concealed  order  and  propor 
tion  everywhere.  The  mind  becomes  indifferent  where  there  is 
nothing  that  surprises  and  comes  suddenly  upon  it.  For  this 
reason  the'English  in  their  gardens,  imitate  nature,  by  avoid 
ing  formality  and  giving  variety,  and  bringing  within  a  small 
compass  the  scattered  beauties  of  nature.  But  this  is  not  the 
work  of  chance,  even  in  the  great  original.  There  are  laws 
which  govern  everywhere.  Even  chance  itself  has  laws, 
which  may  even  be  subjected  to  calculation. * 

*  These  two  diopters,  in  which  the  author  comes  forward,  propria 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  193 

CHAPTER   XXXIX. 

In  which  the  author  treats  of  the  ingratitude  of  republics  towards 
their  public  men. 

THE  ingratitude  of  a  republic  has,  somehow  or  other,  come 
to  be  taken  for  a  truth.     It  has  come  to  be  considered  as  ad- 

persona,  iright  lead  the  reader  to  regret  that  he  has  not  devoted  him 
self  to  writing  grave  and  serious  essays,  on  many  subjects  for  which 
his  profound  philosophic  mind  well  qualified  him.  But  his  constant 
apology  is,  that  he  did  not  write  for  the  learned  or  well-informed, 
but  for  the  great  masses  of  the  people.  While  amusing  these,  he 
supposed  he  could,  as  it  were  incidentally,  introduce  now  and  then 
more  solid  matter.  It  is  possible  that  sometime  or  other,  these  gems 
will  be  taken  from  their  present  setting,  and  placed  by  themselves, 
without  anything  to  mar  their  brilliancy. 

The  war  against  law  and  religion  is  curiously  exemplified  by  some 
of  the  visionary,  or  rather  wicked,  doctrines  of  the  present  day, 
among  some  societies  in  this  country,  although  of  foreign  growth.  I 
have  more  than  once  heard  the  infamous  idea  of  Prud-hon  repeated, 
that  "property  was  robbery."  In  theory,  those  who  maintain  these 
doctrines  are  robbers,  although  practically  honest.  But  is  it  to  be 
expected  that  their  disciples  will  evince  the  same  contradiction  be 
tween  their  principles  and  practice?  They  will  in  general  be  found 
materialists,  not  theorists  or  philanthropists. 

There  is  nothing  which  is  satirized  by  the  author  that  approaches 
to  the  infamy  of  the  following,  from  Prud-hon :  "  God  is  fool. 
ishuess,  cowardice,  hypocrisy,  falsehood,  tyranny,  injustice  !  God  i^ 
evil !-  So  long  as  humanity  shall  bow  before  an  altar,  so  long  wilt 
humanity  be  reprobate.  God  depart !  away  !  for  from  this  day  forth  * 
cured  of  my  fear  and  become  wise.  I  swear,  my  hand  raised  to  heaven, 
that  thon  art  the  executioner  of  my  reason!  " 

And  he  swears  this,  with  his  hand  raised  to  heaven,  after  denying 
the  existence  of  God !  O,  man,  of  what  follies  art  thou  not  capable  j 
of  what  contradictions  and  inconsistencies  !  Let  any  man  read  the 
foregoing,  and  say  whether  the  author  has  underrated  human  nature, 
or  the  intelligence  of  even  this  enlightened  country. 


194  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

mitted,  that  in  a  republic  great  services  are  forgotten,  and 
there  is  not  a  permanence  of  reward  corresponding  with  the 
acts  done.  Scipio,  amongst  others,  is  given  as  an  instance  of 
this.  I  will  examine  the  case  of  Scipio.  And  £  must  here 
remark,  that  he  that  would  learn  the  virtues  of  a  republic* 
must  read  Livy,  while  the  vices  of  despotism  may  be  seen  in 
Tacitus.  Without  the  contrast  with  the  gloomy  horrors  of 
despotism,  we  cannot  comprehend  the  glories  of  the  republic, 
although  exhibited  in  one  so  badly  balanced. 

The  first  mention  wo  have  of  Scipio  by  Livy,  is  in  the  26th 
Book ;  where  he  tells  us,  that  in  that  year  Publius  Cornelius 
Scipio,  to  whom  the  cognomen  of  Africanus  was  given  after 
wards,  was  Curule  Edile  with  Marcus  Cornelius  Cethegue; 
setting  up  for  the  office,  the  Edile-ship,  the  tribune  of  the  peo 
ple  opposed  him,  denying  that  he  had  a  right  to  be  a  candidate, 
that  the  legitimate  age  had  not  arrived  at  which  he  had  a  right 
to  setup  for  this  office.  If,  said  he,  the  quirites,  the  Roman  peo 
ple,  choose  to  make  me  Edile,  I  have  years  enough  on  my  side! 
This  was  appealing  from  established  laws  to  the  people,  who 
had  the  power  to  depart  from  the  rules  they  themselves  had 
laid  down.  It  is  true  he '  was  carried;  but  such  premature 
aspiring  to  the  honor,  laid  the  foundation  of  much  dislike  in 
the  breasts  of  his  superiors  in  age,  and  whose  pretensions 
•were  prior,  from  standing  and  services.  It  is  unsafe  to  obtrude 
oneself  upon  the  public,  but  rather  to  wait  until  called  for. 
In  the  smallest  occurrences  of  life,  a  mind  of  sensibility  will 
feel  the  indelicacy  of  taking  place  or  precedence  to  which  it 
is  not  entitled.  A  thinking  mind,  not  blinded  by  ambition, 
will  see  the  imprudence  of  it.  What  is  called  politeness 
learns  to  put  on  the  appearance  of  this  discretion;  and  when 
we  are  about  to  enter  a  room,  it  is  but  decency  and  good  man 
ners  to  give  way  to  age.  In  setting  up  for  an  office  in  a 
community,  what  difference?  The  principle  lies  deep  in  hu 
man  nature,  and  is  the  same.  It  is  felt  by  age  as  a  wrong 
done,  when  juniors  push  themselves  forward  and  make  their 
way  before  their  time.  Even  those  of  equal  age  feel  resent 
ment,  and  hate  the  suocesful  adventurer.  If  they  cannot 
show  it  at  the  present  moment,  it  will  one  day  break  out. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  195 

In  offering  himself  as  a  general  £o  carry  on  the  war  in  Spain, 
theie  was  less  reason,  or  perhaps  none  at  all,  to  accuse  Scipio 
of  presumption,  in  offering  himself  to  succeed  his  father,  who 
had  fallen  in  that  war;  and  in  addition  to  this  his  uncle  had 
also  fallen,  which  could  not  but  stimulate  him  to  revenge  the 
death  of  these  relations;  and  at  the  same  time  on  account  of 
the  bloody  nature  of  that  war,  there  was  no  one  offering 
himself  for  that  service.  To  season  my  book  with  a  little  salt 
of  Latin,  I  will  give  the  words  of  Livy:  "Cum  alii  alium 
nominaverunt,  postremo  eo  decursum  est,  ut  populus  procon- 
suli  creando  in  Hifpaniam  comitia  haberet,  diemque  comitiis 
consoles  edixerunt,  Primo  expectaverunt,  ut  qui  se  tanto 
imperio  dignos  crederent,  nomina  profiterentur.  Quo  u* 
destituta  expectatio  est,  radintegratus  luctus  accepto  cladis, 
desideriumque  imperium  amissorum.  Massta  igitur  csertas, 
prope  inops  consilii.  Comitiorum  die  tamen  in  campum 
descendit,  atque  in  magistratus  versi  circumspectant  ora 
pricipium  aliorum  alios  intuentium,  fremuntque  adeo  per- 
ditas,  desperatumque  de  respublica  esse,  ut  nemo  audeat  in 
Hispaniam  imperium  accipere.  Cum  subito  Publius  Cornelius, 
Publii  filius,  quatuor  ferme  et  viginti  annos  natus,  professus 
se  petere  in  superiore,  unde  conspici  posset,  loco  constitit." 

I  shall  drop  the  Latin,  lest  I  should  be  accused  of  pedantry 
in  the  language  of  persons  who  pride  themselves  for  their 
skim-surface  learning,  by  imposing  the  term  of  pedantry  on 
all  quotations  of  the  classics  in  the  original  language;  and  for 
good  reason,  because  they  do  not  undersand  it.  But  in  order 
to  introduce  the  further  English,  I  translate  some  part  of  what 
has  gone  before.  It  is  then  to  this  effect: 

"It  was  deliberated  whom  they  (the  Roman  people)  should 
choose  to  send  as  general  to  Spain.  At  first  they  waited  until 
those  who  should  think  themselves  worthy  of  so  great  a  com 
mand,  should  declare  themselves;  and  no  one  coming  forward 
on  account  of  the  bloody  service,  and  the  danger  of  the  war, 
suddenly  Publius  Cornelius  Scipio,  the  son  of  tho  Publius  who 
had  fallen  in  Spain,  now  near  the  age  of  twenty-four  years, 
professed  himself  a  candidate  for  that  trust;  standing  on  a 
higher  ground  from  whence  he  could  be  seen,  upon  whom, 


196 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


when  the  eyes  of  all  were  turned,  he  was  received  with  a  shout 
and  with  favor ;  and  a  vote  instantly  taken,  he  was  unani 
mously  elected." 

"But,"  continues  the  historian,  "Scipio  was  not  only  admi 
rable  for  his  real  virtues,  but  (arte  quoque   quadam)    of  a 
certain  cunning,  or  craft,  from  his    early  youth,  fashioned  to 
the  ostentation   of  these  virtues;  alleging  amongst  the  multi 
tude  a  number  of  things  which  he  had  seen  in  visions  by  night, 
or  had  been  revealed  to  him  from  heaven,  by  impressions  on 
his  mind;  whether  it  was  that  he  himself  had  been  affected 
by  some  degree  of  superstition,  or  that  he  feigned  those  things 
that  his  orders  and  counsels  might  be  obeyed  without  delay, 
as  being  inspired  and   sent  from  an  oracle.     Moreover,  from 
the  very  beginning,  preparing  the  public  mind  from  the  time 
he  took  up  the  Toga  Virilis,  no  day  passed  that  ho  undertook 
any  public  or  private  business,  before  he  went  into  the  capitol 
and  entering  into  the  temple,  sat  down,  and  for  the  most  part 
alone  in  a  secret  place,  there  wore  out  a  length  of  time.     This 
custom  of   his,    which   was   preserved   by   him   through  his 
whole  life,  whether  designedly  or  heedlessly,  procured  with 
some   a  faith   of  his   being  a  man  of  a  divine  stock;   and 
revived  the  report  first  published  respecting  Alexander  the 
Great,  for  vanity  and  fable  alike,  that  he  had  been  conceived 
from  the  embrace  of  a  huge  serpent,  and  that  an  appearance 
of  that  prodigy  had  often  been  seen  in  his  mother's  chamber ; 
and  that  at  the  approach  of  men,  it  had  always  coiled  itself 
up  and  slipped  away  out  of  sight.     Credit  to  these  miracles 
was  never  disclaimed  by  himself,  but  rather  increased  by  a 
certain  art  of  neither  denying  nor  affirming  anything  of  this 
nature  openly.     Many  other  things  of  the  same  kind,  some 
true,  some  pretended,  exceeded  the  limit  of  human  admiration 
in  that  young  man;  relying  on  which  alone,  the  state  entrusted 
such  a  weight  of  things,  and  such  a  command  to  so  young  a 
.  person." 

We  see  in  this  portraiture  of  Seipio  the  exact  prototype  and 
counterpart  of  some  candidates  for  offices  amongst  ourselves. 
There  is  the  same  hypocrisy,  though  in  a  different  way  accom 
modated  to  the  religion  of  the  times.  There  is  said  to  be  more 


MODERN  €HITALRT.  197 

of  this  in  the  northern  states;  because  religion  there,  in  Con 
necticut  especially,  called  the  land  of  steady  habits,  is  more 
fashionable,  and  the  government  itself  is,  not  in  constitutional 
appearance,  but  de  facto  a  hierarchy.  They  tell  me  that  no 
man  can  be  elected  to  an  office  there,  without  the  previous 
approbation  and  favor  of  the  priesthood.  Not  that  I  find  fault 
with  this,  if  I  was  always  sure  that  good  morals  alone  and 
sincere  piety,  and  not  compliments  or  gifts  to  the  pastor,  were 
the  criterion  of  his  predilection.  In  the  western  and  southern 
states  there  is  not  so  much  to  be  gained  by  playing  off  tba 
grimace  of  religious  appearances;  yet  in  some  places  there  is 
still  something  of  this  procuration:  and  what  generous  mind 
is  there  that  will  not  feel  a  diminution  of  respect  for  such  as 
take  these  means  to  advance  themselves?*  What  need  we 
wonder,  therefore,  if  at  a  distant  day,  and  after  he  had  per 
formed  great  services,  we  find  a  latent  ill-will  break  out 
against  Scipio,  which  had  been  sown  at  this  early  period,  by 
the  indignation  implanted  in  the  breasts  of  competitors  for 
fame  and  elevation?  nay,  an  indignation  by  the  wise  and  good, 
at  the  arts  by  which  the  populace  had  been  managed,  for  a 
private  purpose  and  individual  ambition?  Why  need  we 
wonder,  if  at  an  advanced  age,  even  though  a  good  use  had 
been  made  of  this  ill-gotten  power,  or  power,  gotten 
by  unfair  means,  we  should  find  charges  against  Scipio,  and 
prosecutions  founded,  not  in  the  truth  of  the  accusations,  but 
in  the  memory  of  the  ways  and  means  by  which  he  had 

*  On  reading  Livy,  one  cannot  but  be  forcibly  struck  with  the 
constant  intermingling  of  religious  with  civil  and  military  affairs. 
There  can  be  no  doubt,  that  in  general  it  was  turned  to  good  uses; 
but  it  was  at  times  perverted  to  bad  purposes,  as  is  the  case  at  the 
present  day  with  Christianity.  It  proves,  however,  that  even  a  child 
ish  superstition,  such  as  the  Roman  belief,  was  better  than  nothing. 
But  we  often  read  of  the  sublime  appeals  of  the  heathens,  to  the  jus 
tice  and  vengeance  of  the  gods,  especially  in  their  solemn  oaths  in 
support  of  treaties,  and  in  their  imprecations  on  wicked  and  faithless 
acts.  We  often  witness  morality  under  the  sanction  of  divine  power. 
It  was  observed  by  Franklin,  "If  men  are  go  bad  with  all  the 
religion  they  have,  wha*  would  they  be  without  any?  " 

16* 


193 


MODERN    CH1TALKT. 


unduly  acquired  popularity,  and  tha  suffrages  of  the  people  ? 
After  great  success  in  Spain,  and  his  return  to  Rome,  the 
•war  being  concluded,  when,  says  the  historian,  men  carried  it 
in  report,  that  extra  sortem,  or  out  of  his  lot,  the  province  of 
Africa  wag  destined  for  Scipio,  and  "he  himself,  not  content 
with  moderate  glory,  said  that  he  had  been  declared  consul, 
not  to  carry  on  the  war,  but  to  finish  it,  which  could  not  oth 
erwise  be  done  than  by  transporting  the  army  into  Africa : 
and  he  openly  said  that  he  would  accomplish  that  by  the  peo 
ple,  in  other  words  the  populace,  if  the  senate  opposed  it;  and 
when  that  proposition  was  not  pleasing  to  the  primore  of  the 
fathers,  and  there  were  others  who  through  fear  or  ambition 
were  muttering;  and  quintus  Fulvius,  being  asked  his  opinion, 
spoke  upon  the  occasion." 

I  will  not  take  the  trouble  of  translating  this  speech.  But, 
for  the  sake  of  those  that  cannot  be  supposed  to  understand 
the  learned  languages,  nor  from  whom  such  skill  ought  to  be 
expected,  ladies  or  gentlemen  not  bred  to  a  profession,  and 
farmers  and  mechanics,  I  will  give  the  scope  of  it,  viz:  That 
he  was  opposed  to  the  carrying  the  war  into  Africa.  Scipio, 
on  the  other  hand,  spoke  in  favor  of  the  measure,  and  sup 
ported  his  pretensions  to  the  command.  This  speech  was  not 
favorably  received;  but  it  being  pretty  generally  made  known 
that  if  he  could  not  carry  his  point  with  the  senate,  to  have 
Africa  decreed  to  him,  he  would  instantly  bring  it  before  the 
people.  Therefore  Quintus  Fulvius,  who  had  been  four  times 
consul  and  censor,  demanded  of  Scipio,  that  he  would  openly 
say  in  the  senate  whether  he  would  leave  it  to  the  fathers  to 
determine  respecting  the  provinces  and  would  abide  by  their 
determination,  or  would  carry  it  before  the  people.  Scipio 
answered  that  he  would  do  what  was  for  the  interest  of  the 
republic.  Then,  said  Fulvius,  it  was  not  because  I  did  not 
know  what  you  were  about  to  answer,  and  what  to  do,  that  I 
asked  you,  when  it  was  evident  that  it  was  your  object  rather 
to  feel  than  to  consult  the  senate;  and  if  we  did  not  immediately 
decree  to  you  the  province  which  you  wished,  you  have  your 
appeal  at  hand.  Therefore  I  demand  of  you,  tribunes  of  the 
people,  continued  he,  that  though  I  do  not  give  my  opinion 


MODERN    CIUVAI.RV.  Q 

•which  notwithstanding  it  may  be  carried,  the  consul  is  not 
about  to  ratify,  you  will  be  my  support.  Thence  a  contention 
arose,  when  the  consul  (Scipio)  denied  that  it  was  proper 
that  the  tribunes  should  interfere,  but  that  every  senator 
being  asked  his  opinion,  should  give  it  in  his  place.  The 
tribunes  so  decreed,  that  if  the  consul  leaves  it  to  the 
senate  to  determine  concerning  the  provinces,  it  is  proper  to 
sband  to  that  which  the  senate  has  determined,  nor  will  we 
suffer  it  to  be  brought  before  the  people.  But  if  he  does  not 
leave  it  to  the  senate,  we  shall  support  him  who  shall  refuse  to 
give  his  opinion.  Thus  it  was  left  by  the  tribunes  to  Scipio 
himself,  to  say  whether  he  would  leave  it  to  the  senate.  Scipio 
carried  his  point,  but  very  far  from  being  to  the  satisfaction  of 
every  one;  not  that  they  thought  him  unequal  to  the  trust  but 
that  honors  were  heaped  upon  him  with  too  great  rapidity. 

This  war  with  the  Carthagenians  being  finished,  and  a  gen 
eral  about  to  be  chosen  for  that  against  Antiochus,  whom 
Hannibal  had  stirred  up  against  the  Romans,  it  was  with  great 
address  and  management  that  he  procured  to  himself  the 
command.  In  fact,  he  could  not  in  name,  as  he  was  not  then 
in  the  consulship,  and  so  Asia  could  not  be  decreed  to  him  as 
a  province.  Lucius  Cornelius  Scipio,  his  brother,  was  one  of 
the  two  consuls  at  the  time.  Caius  Laelius  was  the  other  con 
sul,  and  having  great  interest  in  the  senate,  wished  it  to  be 
left  to  them  to  designate  the  provinces,  saying  it  would  be  a 
genteeler  thing  (elegantius)  to  leave  it  to  the  senate  than  to  be 
drawing  lots  for  the  choice.  Lucius  Scipio,  having  got  a  hint 
from  his  brother,  the  great  Scipio,  agreed  to  it.  It  was  to  the 
no  small  astonishment  of  Lselius,  who  was  sure  of  being  ap 
pointed  to  Asia,  which  was  his  choice,  that  Publius  Africanus, 
as  he  was  then  called,  declared  that  if  Lucius,  his  brother, 
was  chosen,  he  would  serve  under  him  as  lieutenant. 

It  could  not  be  resisted,  so  great  was  his  reputation  with  the 
people  for  his  victories  over  the  Carthagenians  and  Hannibal, 
whom  he  was  sent  once  more  to  encounter.  But  this  did  not 
?ail  to  make  Laelius  his  enemy,  and  all  his  connections  and 
particular  friends.  Besides  it  was  a  proof  of  an  ambition  that 
could  not  be  satisfied.  For  though  Lucius  had  the  command 


200  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

nominally,  yet  it  was  evident  that  Publius  had  the  actual  com 
mand,  and  it  was  under  that  idea,  that  out  of  his  course  he 
had  obtained  it.  It  was,  in  fact,  an  evasion  of  the  law,  and 
an  invasion  of  the  equal  rights  of  the  Roman  nobility,  all  of 
whom  were  emulous  of  glory  in  their  turn. 

What  wonder  that  on  the  return  of  the  Scipios,  notwith 
standing  the  war  had  been  successfully  terminated,  there  were 
accusations  against  them.  That  of  having  embezzled  the 
public  money,  or  converted  to  their  own  use  the  treasure  taken 
from  Antiochus,  was  the  charge  that  was  finally  fixed  upon  as 
the  ground  of  his  impeachment  before  the  people.  Not,  it  is 
to  be  presumed,  that  there  was  anything  in  the  charge,  but 
because  it  was  most  likely  to  be  believed,  and  to  affect  the 
accused.  For  it  is  not  to  be  inferred  from  their  not  appearing 
to  answer  the  charge  that  they  were  guilty,  but  that  seeing  the 
prejudice  against  them,  they  despaired  of  a  fair  trial.  When 
the  day  came,  having  prevailed  so  far  as  to  get  the  trial  put  off, 
Publius  withdrew  into  exile;  Lucius,  the  younger  brother, 
who  had  been  the  highest  in  command,  though  but  nominally, 
pretending  sickness,  did  not  appear. 

Scipio  (Africanus)  withdrew  to  Liternum,  and  nothing  more 
was  said  about  him.  There  he  spent  his  life  without  any  wish 
to  return  to  the  city;  and  when  dying  gave  orders  that  he 
should  be  buried  there  in  that  very  place,  that  he  should  not 
have  his  funeral  in  his  ungrateful  country. 

It  is  a  pretty  strong  presumption  against  the  character  of 
Scipio,  that  Marcus  Portius  Cato,  the  censor,  as  remarkable 
for  courage  as  integrity,  was  his  enemy,-  and  during  his  life, 
did  not  cease  to  inveigh  against  his  ambition,  though  not 
until  the  death  of  Scipio,  did  it  appear  what  enemies  he  had, 
whose  indignation,  says  the  historian,  burst  out,  which  had  been 
in  some  degree  concealed  before.  There  must  have  been  a 
•cause  for  this;  and  what  do  we  find  in  his  life,  but  his  taking 
precedence  of  others,  and  grasping  at  command  out  of  season 
and  turn.  This  will  never  be  borne  in  a  republic,  where  the 
human  mind  has  free  play  to  show  itself,  and  talents  ought  to 
have  a  fair  chance  for  office  and  appointment.  It  is  a  robbery 
to  -engross  as  .to  number,  or  to  usurp  prematurely  by  intrigue, 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  201 

or  those  arts  that  take  the  populace;  such  as  have  recourse  to 
these,  even  though  they  achieve  great  actions,  have  no  right  to 
complain  of  ingratitude  from  their  country,  when  notwithstand 
ing  what  they  have  done,  the  ways  and  means  begin  to  be  con 
sidered  by  which  they  usurped  the  opportunity  of  doing  them, 
to  the  injury  of  other  great  minds,  who  might  have  shown 
equal  talents  and  accomplished  the  same  things.  It  is  sapping 
all  foundation  of  republican  equality  and  right,  to  countenance 
this.  It  is  very  possible  that  a  certain  public  character,  whom 
I  could  name,  would  have  made  an  abler  President  than  Thos. 
Jefferson.  But  the  Presidency  was  not  intended  for  him, 
and  it  was  a  fraud  upon  the  electors  not  instantly  to  have 
disclaimed  competiton.  We  have  seen  in  what  manner  the 
not  having  done  so,  injured  his  reputation,  and  in  my  opinion 
deservedly.  It  has  prevented  him  from  rising  to  the  elevation 
of  the  Presidency,  which  I  am  confident  in  four  years  he  would 
have  attained.  But  had  he  attained  that  elevation  at  the  time 
he  attempted  it,  and  performed  even  great  services,  it  is  not 
improbable  but  that  the  strong  indignation  of  those  affected 
would  have  followed  him ;  nor  would  he  have  good  reason  to 
complain  of  the  ingratitude  of  his  country,  if  they  had  ulti 
mately  wrought  him  a  mischief. 


CHAPTER  XL. 

1 lie  Captain  sets  out.     The  two  judges.     Teague  takes  the  place 
of  one,  after  a  sage  lecture  on  the  subject  of  duties. 

THE  Captain  being  obliged  to  leave  the  village,  not  as  here 
tofore,  on  a  voluntary  excursion,  but  in  the  character  of  an 
exile,  was  accompanied,  as  usual,  by  the  bog-trotter,  and  with 
several  others  of  the  village,  who  were  willing  to  share  his 
fortunes  in  some  new  establishment.  Amongst  these  were  the 
blind  lawyer  and  fiddler,  Clonmel,  the  ballad  singer,  the  Latin 
school-master,  O'Fin,  an  Irishman,  Tom  the  Tinker,  and 
others ;  the  Captain  mounted,  the  rest,  with  the  exception  of 


202  MODERN   CHITAT-RT. 

the  blind  lawyer,  on  foot.  They  had  a  paek  horse  or  two  to 
carry  provisions  and  baggage,  while  each  footman  had  hia 
knapsack  or  wallet  or  his  back.  Thus  marshalled,  they  set  out 
for  the  far  settlements  of  the  west,  near  the  head  of  the  Ohio 
river. 

After  two  days'  travelling,  they  came  to  a  town,  where 
judges  and  lawyers  continued  yet  to  be  tolerated.  Nevertheless 
two  judges  just  before,  had  been  driven  from  the  bench,  owing 
to  a  fracas  that  had  happened  on  the  bench  itself,  between 
them  arid  which  took  its  rise  from  a  difference  relative  to 
idiom  and  dialect  of  language.  The  one  was  a  Scotch  gentle 
man,  and  spoke  with  the  Saxon  pronunciation,  which  is  still 
that  of  the  north  of  England  and  the  south  of  Scotland.  The 
other  was  a  native  of  France,  and  had  acquired  the  English 
language  after  his  arrival  in  this  country,  some  years  before. 

The  Scotch  judge  found  fault  with  the  gallicisms  of  his 
French  associate,  and  said  he  did  na'  like  the  accent,  and  that 
it  was  an  error  to  bring  it  on  the  bench.  That  it  did  na'  be 
hoove  the  French  judge  to  open  his  mouth  to  give  a  charge, 
especially  to  a  grand  jury,  wi'  sic'  a  dialec'  upon  his  gab. 

The  French  judge  seemed  to  think  that  his  gallicisms  were 
as  good  as  the  other's  patois  or  Scoticisms;  and  observed  that 
the  French  language  had  a  footing  in  the  courts  and  was  even 
the  language  of  the  law  itself,  at  a  very  early  period.  A  great 
part  of  the  law  of  the  tenure  of  real  property  came  from  the  Nor 
mans,  who  were  French;  that  England  became  almost  a  French 
country  under  William  the  Conqueror;  that  the  terms  de  la  loi, 
or  k\w  phrases,  are  vestiges  of  French  to  this  day — C'estui  que 
use;  in  pleadings,  ne  unque  accouple  en  loyal  matrimonie; 
autre  fois  acquit ;  tout  terns  prit ;  and  many  others.  Are  there 
any  vestiges  of  broad  Scotch  in  the  law  books? 

Aye,  quoth  the  Scotch  judge,  the  law  was  Saxon  before  it 
was  French,  and  it  is  time  that  it  should  come  back  to  the 
Saxon  again.  Ye  sha'  na'  deliver  a  charge  on  this  bench, 
unless  ye  adap'  your  language  to  the  state  of  society,  and  speak 
plain  English  or  Saxon  ;  for  they  are  a'  the  same  thing,  an'  ha' 
the  same  privilege  in  a'  courts  of  justice. 

The  French  judge  began  to  address  the  jury,  when  the 


r.  203 

Scotch  judge  interrupted  and  called  a  constable  to  take  him 
down  frae  the  bench.  The  consequence  was,  they  came  to 
blows,  to  the  scandal  of  the  administration  of  justice,  and 
both  had  to  quit  the  bench.  The  people  were  then  looking 
out  for  other  judges;  but  as  they  could  not  agree  on  any  one 
among  themselves,  they  resolved  to  take  the  first  stranger  who 
came  along.  The  lot  fell  on  the  caravan.  The  Captain  made 
mention  of  the  blind  lawyer  whom  he  had  in  company,  but 
they  were  unwilling  to  have  a  blind  man.  They  wished  to 
have  a  perfect  judge,  or  one  at  least  in  possession  of  all  his 
outward  senses.  He  then  proposed  the  bog-trotter;  stating 
that  he  had  been  in  request  for  that  promotion,  before  they 
had  set  out  from  the  midland  country. 

•The  offer  was  accepted,  and  Teague  was  made  a  judge,  and 
took  his  seat  upon  the  bench. 

The  Captain  had  determined  with  himself,  that  he  would 
oppose  the  advancement  of  this  Teague  O'Kegan  no  more, 
having  got  so  much  ill-will  by  it ;  but  being  a  prudent  con 
scientious  man,  he  thought  it  not  amiss  to  put  him  under  tho 
care  of  the  blind  lawyer,  or  for  some  time  to  give  him  instruc 
tions  for  the  office,  which  at  least  could  do  him  no  harm,  if  it 
did  no  good.  Accordingly  the  lawyer  took  him  in  tow,  and 
began  as  follows : 

Teague,  said  he,  you  are  arrived  to  honor  and  emolument, 
which  some  of  your  betters  have  deserved  and  could  not  obtain. 
However,  "time  and  chance  happeneth  to  all  men."  You  are 
now  on  the  seat  of  justice,  and  it  remains  for  you,  if  possible, 
to  qualify  yourself  for  it.  For  I  take  it,  you  are  yet  to  begin 
to  obtain  the  requisites  for  the  discharge  of  that  trust.  Now  I 
have  no  idea  that  you  can  acquire  legaJ  knowledge.  That  is 
out  of  the  question.  Nor  do  I  thick  it  possible  that  you  can 
ever  attain  the  first  elements  of  jurisprudence.  But  this  is  not 
absolutely  necessary  upon  the  bench,  more  than  at  the  bar.  I 
have  known  a  judge  upon  a  bench,  whom  I  would  not  trust 
with  the  value  of  a  hob-nail,  in  a  case  of  mine.  It  would  be  a 
substitute  for  sense  if  you  could  cite  cases.  But  you  have  not 
even  cases  to  cite,  ancL  call  authorities.  You  must  therefore 
begin  a  peg  lower,  and  content  yourself  with  the  saving  ap- 


204  MODERN   CFIYALRT. 

pearances,  merely  personal.    Your  gait  must  be  steady;  your 
demeanor  slow;  gravity  is  a  great  cover  for  stupidity;  stupid 
ity,  indeed,  supplies  the  place  of  and  inmost  cases  gives  gravity. 
But  still  it  is  to  be  cultivated.     You  must  wear  spectacles,  to 
make   people  think  you  can  read.     If  you  do  not  take  notes, 
yet  seem  to  take  them ;  for  it  is  the  fashion  of  the  time  to  be  a 
great  note  taker.     At  least  talk  of  your  notes;  that  will  pass 
for  taking  them.     The  Areopagi  took  no  notes,  for  they  sat  in 
ihe  night,  and  had  no  candle-light.     And  justice  herself  is  said 
tovbe  blind,  and  can  take  no  notes.    But  note  taking  is  now 
the  main  part  of  the  qualification  of  a  judge;  so  that  if  you 
do  not  take  notes,  you  must  seem  to  take  them.    I  myself  had 
I  been  appointed  a  judge,  would  have  had  to  scratch  a  little. 
But  it  would  not  be  impossible  for  you,  as  you  have  your  eye- 
eight,  to  learu  to  write  abracadabra  tantantarara,  and  pass 
them  for  notes.    However  if  you  cannot  acquire  all  excellen 
cies,  you  can  avoid  some  defects.    You  can  give  attention  and 
seem  to  understand  what  is  said  in  argument,  though  it  be 
impossible  that  you  should  understand  a  syllable.    It  is  a 
great  indelicacy  for  a  gentleman  to  refuse  his  ear,  or  to  show 
himself  inattentive  in  private  conversation.     But  in  a  judge  it 
is  intolerable,  when  you  are  to  decide  upon  a  point  which  is 
argued  with  much  earnestness  at  the  bar,  and  where  the 
counsel  expect  at  least  that  you  will  hear  them,  even  if  you  do 
not  decide  in  their  favor.     For  when  they  are  heard,  and  sat 
isfied  they  are  understood,  they  are  disposed  to  be  content. 
The  greatest  virtue  in  a  judge,  after  being  a  good  judge,  is  to 
be  a  good  listener.     But  it  is  an  error  of  which  I  hope  you 
will  not  be  capable,  to  interrupt  the  argument  by  matters  of 
your  own  concern.    As  for  instance,  when  the  advocate  is  at 
the  pinching  point  of  his  reasoning,  to  call  out  for  the  crier  to 
bring  you  something.    You  will  see  the  advocate,  in  such  a  case, 
turn  and  writhe  himself,  and  show  in  his  countenance  the 
irritation  that  he  feels.    But  he  is  obliged  to  resume  his  ora 
tory  and  go  on,  saying  your  honor,  and  he  would  rather  say, 
"cannot  you  take  advantage  of  a  pause  to  call  for  what  you 
want?"     It  is  mentioned  of  Lord  Cansden,  that  he  was  in  all 
respects  the  most  correct  of  men  in  his  treatment  of  the  bar, 


MODERN   CHIVALRY".  205 

save  that  he  would  sometimes,  in  the  middle  of  an  argument, 
stoop  down  to  garter  up  his  stockings. 

It  is  dangerous  in  a  judge  to  attempt  wit,  especially  if  he 
has  none.     There  are  few  that  have  the  talent ;  and  it  is  not 
every  one  that  knows  that  he  has  it  not.     It  will  be  your  best 
way  to  attempt  nothing  of  the  kind;  but  preserve  gravity  and 
an  imposing  air  of  austerity.     For  as  far  as  I  can  learn  from 
the  Captain,  you  are  not  happy  at  a  bon  mot.     But  you  must 
be  careful  of  your  mind  itself,  that  it  be  not  rendered  vain  by 
being  called  your  honor.    If  the  bar  discover  that  you  are 
weak  on  this   head,  they  will  plaster  you  with  your  honor, 
your  honor,  and  your  honor.     They  will  be  careful  also   to 
say,  the  "learned  judge,"  and  this  the  more  unlearned  they 
think  you  are;  and  especially  when  they  mean  to  impose 
upon  you  sophism  for  argument,  and  false  construction  for 
solid  deduction  and  conclusion.     The   "learned  judge  upon 
the  bench;"  when  at  the  same  time  they  will  be  at  a  loss  to 
say  whether  they  think  you  or  the   bench  you  sit  upon,  the 
most  destitute  of  sense  and  understanding.     You  must  avoid 
invitations  to  dine,  which  is  a  mode  of  obtaining  favor  "with 
a  judge;  for  as  to  direct  attempts  to  bribe  a  judge,  that  is  a 
thing  as  yet  unheard  of  in  this  country. 

A  man  that  has  been  behind  the  S3ene  knows  how  much 
must  pass  forjiothing,  of  all  that  apparent  deference  which  is 
paid  to  the  understanding  of  a  judge.  For  the  counsel  of 
delicacy  and  refined  manners,  will  pay  this  respect  to  the 
office,  on  a  principle  of  good  breeding,  and  what  becomes  the 
profession ;  others  will  do  the  same  thing,  and  perhaps  overdo 
it,  from  motives  of  prudence,  and  to  gain  a  point  with  the  court. 
There  is  trick  in  all  trades,  and  there  is  craft  in  the  craft,  if  I 
may  use  a  pun  on  this  occasion. 

But  you  have  never  been  behind  the  scene,  and  have  no 
experience  of  this  play  upon  travellers,  and  managing  the 
weaknesses  of  man.  You  are  but  a  young  judge,  and  likely 
to  be  lifted  up  with  vanity,  from  your  sudden  elevation.  Be 
cause  you  sit  a  little  higher  than  the  bar  and  the  suitors ;  for 
the  bench  is  usually  raised  a  little,  you  associate  your  situa 
tion  with  yourself;  thence  comes  arrogance  and  insult. 
16 


206  MODERN    CiiiVALRl'. 

':  Man,  vain  m=ui,  dress'd  in  a  little  brief  authority." 
But  it  will  be  necessary  that  you  maintain  order  and  support 
authority ;  because  otherwise  the  court  will  become  a  bear 
garden,  and  intolerable  to  the  practitioner.  Rudeness  must 
be  repressed,  and  petulance  overawed.  Interruption  and 
bluster  cannot  be  endured.  Rules  of  priority  as  to  the  right 
of  motion  and  order  of  speaking,  must  be  enforced.  In  ques 
tioning  or  cross-questioning  a  witness,  the  modest  and  obser 
vant  advocate  must  be  permitted  to  proceed  without  distur 
bance.  All  these  things,  your  own  good  sense,  if  you  have 
any  sense,  good  or  bad,  must  teach  you  to  consider  and  apply. 

Be  me  sowl,  said  the  bog-trotter,  but  I  will  take  de  poker  to 
dem,  and  give  dem  over  de  nose  wid  a  shelalah,  if  dey  make 
any  spaches  out  of  deir  turn,  in  my  hearing.  It  was  better 
for  dem  dey  were  digg'm  turf  in  Lough  Swilly.  I'll  give 
dem  a  taste  of  de  same  kind  of  trial  dat  Paddy  give 

That  will  not  do,  said  the  blind  lawyer;  you  must  call  a 
constable,  and  commit  for  misbehavior.  It  will  be  descending 
from  your  dignity  to  take  a  cowskin  or  cudgel  in  your  hand ; 
nor  does  the  law  warrant  it.  "All  things  must  be  done  de 
cently  and  in  order."  You  can  lay  your  hands  upon  no  man 
yourself;  it  must  be  by  your  officers  that  you  execute  the  laws. 
The  sheriff  is  at  hand,  the  coroner  with  his  rod,  or  the  consta 
ble  with  his  staff.  These  are  the  ministers  of  the  law  in  your 
hands  to  keep  the  peace.  You  can  only  act  by  warrant  of  au 
thority,  or  what  is  called  a  precept.  You  must  not  descend 
from  the  bench,  to  join  the  posse  in  running  after  a  criminal. 

The  bog-trotter  thought  it  hard  that  he  could  not  take  a  staff 
from  a  constable,  and  share  in  de  fun  wid  de  rest.  But  he  was 
disposed  to  submit  to  the  restriction  since  it  seemed  to  be  the 
practice  of  tlie  court.  He  inquired,  however,  whether  it  might 
not  be  allowable  to  take  a  batabuoy  to  de  officer  or  sarvant  of 
de  court,  if  he  did  his  duty  slowly,  so  as  to  break  de  patience 
of  de  lawyers,  and  be  waiting  for  him. 

As  to  this,  the  lawyer  gave  him  the  proper  information^ 
And  "here  endeth  the  first  lesson." 


MODERX   eillYALRT.  207 

•r 

CHAPTER  XLI. 

Containing  a  few  words  for  the  critic. 

IT  may  seem  to  shock  all  credibility,  that  Teague  should 
have  a  seat  upon  the  bench. 

"  Ficta,  voluptatis  causa  sint  proxima  veris." 

This  is  a  maxim  of  the  critic,  and  founded  in  the  principles 
of  human  nature.  For  a  just  taste  does  not  relish  what  is 
incredible.  But  why  should  it  be  thought  incredible,  that 
Teague  should  be  a  judge?  Or  why  distrust  his  capacity, 
since  he  had  a  commission?  On  the  death  of  attorney  Noy, 
the  author  of  the  maxims,  we  have  the  following  anecdote: 
Dining  with  the  Chancellor,  it  was  lamented  by  some  that 
such  a  loss  had  happened ;  what  will  the  king  do  for  an  At* 
torney  General  ? 

When  the  company  were  gone,  said  the  valet  to  the  Chan 
cellor,  why  need  you  be  at  a  loss  for  an  Attorney  General?  I 
will  be  Attorney  General. 

You  Attorney  General!     Are  you  fit  for  Attorney  General? 
Let  the  king  give  me  a  commission,   said  the  valet,  and  I 
will  see  who  will  dare  say  that  I  am  not  fit  for  it. 

There  is  certainly  a  great  deal  in  a  commission,  and  the 
possession  of  power.  I  was  early  struck  with  this,  in  seeing 
the  respect  paid  to  the  opinion  of  a  man  made  a  justice  of  the 
peace,  when  none  had  been  paid  before  ;  and  yet  the  commis 
sion  had  but  very  little  increased  his  law  knowledge ;  or,  in 
fact,  had  left  it  just  where  it  was — some  degrees  below  zero. 

It  may  be  thought  that  I  mean  to  undervalue  in  a  judge,  the 
faculty  of  taking  notes.  On  this  head  I  will  explain  myself. 
Certain  it  is,  that  the  taking  notes  detracts  from  the  exercise 
of  memory;  but  much  more  from  the  exercise  of  understand 
ing.  The  mind  is  divided,  and  the  a3t  of  putting  upon  paper, 
detracts  something  from  the  operation  of  putting  in  the  head. 
^The  mechanical  and  intellectual  are  at  variance,  and  in  some 


,  208  itODERN   CHIVALRY. 

degree,  however  imperceptible,  destroy  each  other.  The 
revolution  and  opposition  of  forces,  produce  a  line  in  a 
diagonal  direction.  It  is  impossible  that  the  man  who  writes 
can  more  than  half  think.  All  those  relations  and  combina 
tions  of  ideas  that  present  themselves,  and  are  managed  by  him 
at  his  ease,  when  he  gives  his  whole  mind,  are  lost  in  part  or 
have  not  justice  done  them,  when  they  are  to  be  recovered  and 
adjusted,  from  the  partial  hints  that  can,  in  the  meantime  be 
thrown  upon  paper.  A  note  taker  and  a  thinker,  on  the  bench, 
might  be  of  use.  The  thinker  to  look  over  the  notes  and  assist 
himself  afterwards.  The  note  taker  not  to  think  at  all,  but  to 
mind  his  pen.  At  the  bar,  it  was  my  way  to  take  in  a  writer, 
where  I  had  command  of  the  cause;  but  it  was  understood 
between  us,  that  he  was  to  confine  himself  to  his  province  for 
the  time  being,  and  neither  speak  nor  think. 

In  the  history  of  ancient  oratory,  tribunitial  or  judicial,  do 
we  meet  with  anything  on  note  taking?  In  Cicero  de  Oratore 
have  we  anything?  Has  Quintilian  a  chapter  on  the  subject? 
No  man  can  be  an  orator  who  dissipates  his  mind  with  taking 
notes.  It  is  a  qualification,  at  the  bar  or  on  the  bench,  ex 
tremely  subordinate.  Nevertheless,  I  do  not  mean  to  exclude 
jt  altogether.  A  skeleton  of  the  cause  must  be  preserved  for 
the  sake  of  a  reserved  point,  a  motion  for  a  new  trial,  or  in 
arrest  of  judgment.  It  is  that  full  body  of  the  evidence  to 
which  I  object.  If  it  is  in  paper,  it  wastes  the  time  of  tho 
country  to  copy ;  and  if  oral,  it  turns  the  judge  into  a  mehanic 
to  take  down.  It  is  not  necessary  for  the  purposes  of  justice, 
to  have  all  that  comes  out  in  a  cause  put  upon  paper.  There 
is  seldom  more  than  a  single  particular  in  the  testimony  of  a 
witness  that  affects  the  cause.  It  is  the  height  of  ability  to  select 
and  take  this  down.  The  late  Chief  Justice,  the  Governor, 
had  this  talent.  I  have  heard  the  present  Chief  Justice  speak 
of  it  with  admiration.  The  present  Chief  Justice  (Shippen) 
himself  possesses  it  in  a  high  degree;  perhaps  hits  the  medi 
um  perfectly. 

It  is  in  the  case  of  jury  trial,  that  my  exception  chiefly  lies 
to  length  of  note  taking,  when  the  examination  of  a  witness  is 
delayed  until  the  judge  or  the  counsel  takes  down;  and  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


209 


mini  of  the  judge,  carried  off  from  the  hearing  of  the  evidence, 
is  not  so  well  prepared  to  give  his  charge,  which  ought  to  con 
sist  of  the  resulting  points  of  the  controversy,  and  not  a  sum 
ming  up  of  the  evidence,  for  that  is  supposed  to  have  been  done 
by  the  counsel,  or  by  the  jury  in  their  own  minds.  But  a  man 
that  is  writing  all  the  time  the  counsel  are  speaking,  can  but 
half  think.  But  these  strictures  must  be  taken  ''with  a  grain 
of  salt;"  and  it  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  I  would  dispense 
with  note  taking  altogether  in  the  case,  especially  of  the  pre 
siding  judge.  On  a  motion  for  a  new  trial,  some  detail  of  the 
case  is  necessary  for  those  who  have  not  tried  tke  cause.  On 
an  argument  upon  a  law  point,  where  the  decision  is  not  imme 
diately  to  be  made,  and  the  notes  are  taken  for  the  purpose  of 
examination  of  the  books,  it  is  immaterial  of  what  length, 
because  the  counsel  are  not  stopped  by  the  impediment  of 
clerkship. 

I  had  forgot  to  mention  in  its  proper  place,  that  though  the 
people  objected  to  the  taking  the  blind  lawyer  as  a  judge,  yet 
they  agreed  that  he  might  be  a  clerk,  and  associate  the  blind 
fiddler  for  his  deputy.  This  arrangement  being  made,  and 
leaving  Teague  and  the  two  others,  who  for  the  present  only 
encumbered  the  march  through  a  rough  country,  and  perhaps 
with  Indians  in  the  way,  the  caravan  proceeded  on  its  course. 


CHAPTER    XLII. 

The  Quo-liee  setl  ement.     The  back-liters,  not  cannibals,  as  some 
authors  have  asserted. 

THE  settlement  in  which  they  now  were,  was  called  the 
back  settlement;  not  because  it  was  the  farthest  back,  but 
because  it  had  been  once  the  frontier.  The  name  back,  still 
continued  to  be  tacked  to  it,  now  when  it  had  become  the 
midland  country.  The  inhabitants  of  this  country  had  be 
come  wits,  and  improved  in  manners,  from  society  and  inter 
course.  The  females  dressed  better,  because  they  could  better  af- 


210 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


ford  it  than 'they  had  done  years  before.  Their  buildin  gswere  of 
stone,  or  brick,  or  of  sawed  timber,  framed,  instead  of  round 
or  squared  logs  laid  upon  each  other,  as  was  the  mode  at  an 
early  period.  Nevertheless  there  was  still  a  defect  of  judgment 
in  the  construction  of  their  houses,  for  the  summer  as  well  as 
the  winter  seasons.  They  were  placed,  in  most  cases,  as  they 
ought  to  be,  fronting  the  south;  but  without  perforations  or 
a  passage  for  the  air,  by  means  of  windows  from  the  west  to 
the  east.  On  the  contrary,  many  of  them  had  what  they  call 
•wings;  and  these  placed  at  the  east  and  west  ends.  The  en 
tries  were  small,  and  the  kitehen  placed  in  a  wing  at  the  east 
or  west  end  of  the  house.  Yet  a  little  thinking  on  original 
principles,  would  say  that  it  ought  to  be  at  the  northwest  of 
tha  building,  to  oppose  the  storm  which  comes  from  that  quar 
ter  in  the  winter;  and  because  in  the  summer  it  obstructs  no 
breeze  in  that  direction.  But  it  is  not  lawyers  or  judges  only 
that  are  enslaved  by  precedent.  They  take  care  also  to  build 
in  a  valley  because  it  is  near  a  spring  head.  But  in  the  winter 
the  court  yard  is  muddy,  and  in  the  summer  they  want  air. 

As  they  proceeded,  the  Quo-hee  settlement  lay  upon  the  left. 
This  settlement  takes  its  name  from  the  Quo-hees,  a  nation  of 
Indians  that  inhabited  the  country,  at  the  first  discovery  of 
this  part  of  America.  The  Munsees  and  Shawnees  have  a 
like  termination  in  the  sound  of  their  names,  and  these  are 
now  the  remains  of  nations  that  inhabit  the  countries  on  Lake 
Erie  and  the  Ohio  river.  Some  fanciful  writers,  nevertheless, 
attempt  to  give  a  derivation  from  another  source;  and  think 
that  as  this  settlement  is  peopled  chiefly  with  what  is  called 
the  Scotch  Irish,  so  the  name  is  derived  from  a  phrase  amongst 
them,  very  common  in  their  familiar  discourse;  quo'  he,  quo' 
she,  quo'  they,  &c.  Quo/  they  suppose  to  be  an  abbreviation 
of  quoth;  that  is,  said  he,  said  she,  &G.  Butler,  in  his  Hudi- 
bras,  uses  the  word  quoth  in  this  sense: 

Quoth  he,  there  is  one  Sydrophel, 

Whom  I  have  cudgelled 

Of  this  they  boast,  as  a  classical  authority  in  their  favor. 
And  doubtless,  this  etymology  is  strengthened  by  the  names 
of  rivers  in  this  country,  such  as  the  Susquehannoh,  which  is 


X    CHIVALRY. 


ill 

a  compound  of  sauce  quor  Hannah;  the  name  of  a  girl  calling 
out  for  sauce  to  her  meat;  and  also  from  the  Schuylkill,  from 
skull  and  kill.     For  what  kills  a  man  sooner  than  knocking 
him  on  the  head?    But  there  is  great  uncertainty  in  etymology, 
in  deducing  the  origin  of  nations.     Abarbanel,  in  his  Jewish 
Antiquities,  fully  evinces  this.     Also  Spinazoli,  in  his  Asiatic 
researches,  and  others.     But  this  is  just  as  plausible  and  noth 
ing  more,  with  the  hypothesis  of  some  who  conjecture  that  the 
Allegheny  mountains  took  their  name  from  an  English  woman 
of  the  name  of  Alley;  as  we  say  Alley  Croker  in  the  ballad. 
That  the  Chesapeake  was   so  called  from  a  Welshman  who 
made  use  of  cheese  instead  of  an  anchor;  so  that  instead  of 
saying  the  anchor  is  a-peak,  said  the  cheese  is  a-peake ;  and 
so  fixed  a  nick-name  on  the  bay.     There  are  some  local  names 
of  subordinate  rivers  and  smaller  streams,  in  this  particular 
part  of  the  country,  that  strengthen  these  conjectures.    Augh- 
wic  is  allied  to  Aughrim,  which  is  a  -place  in  Ireland.     We 
have  heard  of  the  Break  of  Aughrim,  a  place  where  the  pro- 
testanta  were  defeated.    Macintanga,  Macanoy,  is  evidently 
Scotch,  from  the  initial  Mac,  which  signifies  son,  in  the  Erse. 
Juniata  is  a  compound  of  English  and  Irish.     Johnny  is  Eng 
lish;  but  ata,  or  atoy  is  Hibernian.    I  knew  one  Dennis  A'Toy, 
that  used  to  mow  for  my  father  when  I  was  a  lad. 

On  the  right  hand  of  the  route  of  the  caravan,  lay  the  Fooley 
settlement.  Etymologists  and  antiquarians  are  here  at  war 
also.  African  travellers  tell  us  of  the  Foola  country  in  the 
neighborhood  of  the  Eitomba  or  Sierra  Leone  river.  Winter- 
bottom  and  Walls,  late  travellers,  give  a  particular  description 
of  it.  The  natives  distinguish  the  year  by  moons.  There  is 
the  sweep-brush  moon,  from  the  way  that  wind  blows;  shun- 
path  moon,  from  the  heat;  the  shako  or  harvest  moon.  The 
time  of  day  is  distinguished  by  "the  sup  going  into  the  water," 
that  is  evening;  "the  sun  in  the  bush,"  that  is  night,  &c. 
Their  epochs  are  a  town  burnt,  or  settlement  destroyed. 

The  burree,  or  palaver  house,  is  the  seat  of  justice,  where  all 
causes,  civil  or  criminal,  are  decided.  The  test  of  innocence 
is  the  drinking  red  water  without  occasioning  a  qualm  to  the 
stomach.  A  hot  iron  applied  to  the  posteriors  is  also  a  test; 
if  the  culprit  does  not  grunt,  he  is  safe. 


212 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


The  Mandingo  country  lies  north  of  this,  and  signifies  book 
man,  because  there  they  read  the  Alcoran,  and  have  schools. 
In  the  Foola  country,  they  have  no  schools,  and  cannot  read. 

Now,  there  are  authors,  \\  ho  derive  Fooley  from  Foola;  and 
think  that  this  settlement  mutt  have  been  peopled  by  a  colony 
of  Africans,  and  hence  derive  the  name.  It  is  true  they  have 
seats  of  justice,  and  palaver  houses,  where  the  lawyers  plead. 
Jury  trials  are  in  use;  and  in  this  mode  of  administering  jus 
tice  it  is  not  the  accused  that  is  tortured,  but  the  judge  and  the 
jury.  This  is  not  by  drinking  red  water,  which  is  a  composi 
tion  of  the  bark  of  trees  of  an  emetic  quality;  but  by  drinking 
nothing  at  all,  or  eating  either,  until  twelve  of  them  are  all  of 
one  opinion;  which,  to  render  more  difficult,  the  palaverers, 
the  lawyers  are  allowed  to  address  them  a  whole  day,  or  longer, 
previously,  on  different  sides  of  the  question  or  fact,  so  as  to 
"perplex  and  dash  their  counsels."  There  are  what  are  called 
j  udges  also,  who  preside,  and  these  are  allowed  to  give  differ 
ent  opinions  on  the  case.  The  jurors  being  puzzled,  areLordered 
off  under  the  care  of  a  constable,  with  a  staff  like  a  weaver's 
beam,  and  he  is  to  keep  them  together  without  meat  or  drink, 
unless  with  leave  of  the  court,  and  without  speaking  to  any 
one  until  they  all  become  exactly  of  the  same  mind.* 

*  Somewhat  modified  in  Pennsylvania,  of  late,  by  this  addition  to 
theoalh — "unless  discharged  by  the  court."  The  jury  may  be  traced 
to  the  Circassians  where  it  still  prevails;  the  number  twelve  and 
unanimity  essential  to  the  verdict.  In  their  councils  unanimity  is 
requisite.  They  hold  that  where  all  are  equal  and  sovereign,  the 
votes  of  two,  or  a  hundred,  are  no  better  than  one;  for  they  are  only 
so  many  units  equal  with  each  other.  This  would  prove  that  mere 
majorities  is  an  artificial  and  not  a  natural  idea.  It  is  an  arbitrary 
exercise  of  power,  bnt  convenient  and  necessary.  The  distinction 
in  the  principle  of  power,  between  the  eastern  and  western  nations, 
is  as  marked  as  between  day  and  night.  The  first  is  the  pure,  con 
centrated  despotism  of  one  person,  or  king;  the  other  ia  distributed 
among  the  many,  either  individually  or  among  associations  or  corpo 
rations;  often  so  much  so,  as  to  beincapble  of  necessary  concentration 
for  practical  purposes.  Individuality  and  publicity,  are  the  princi 
pies  of  a  republic,  |while  concentration  and  secrecy  are  those  ot 
monarchy, 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  213 

Notwithstanding  this  consimilarity  in  tho  manners,  and  the 
resemblance  in  the  sound,  or  speaking  of  the  word  Fooley,  with 
that  of  Foola,  I  cannot  immediately  accede  to  the  idea  that  the 
inhabitants  came  from  Africa.  Because  there  is  no  tincture  of 
the  African  complexion.  There  are  negroes  and  mulattos 
amongst  them  it  is  true,  but  the  bulk  of  the  inhabitants  are  of 
a  clear  red  and  white.  I  take  it  that  the  word  Fooley  is  de 
rived  from  the  word  fool,  which  signifies  devoid  of  sense,  and 
was  applied  to  them,  being  originally  a  weak  people,  and  still 
continuing  to  exhibit  marks  of  simplicity  bordering  upon  folly. 
Their  credulity  is  amazing,  and  they  are  the  constant  bubble 
candidates  for  office.  They  do  not  sell  themselves  as  the  Foo- 
las;  but  they  sell  their  votes;  or  rather  give  them  away  at  the 
elections,  for  whiskey  or  deceiving  speeches,  replete  with  the 
words  liberty  and  the  rights  of  man.  With  such  words  the 
politician  baits  his  hook  for  the  people,  as  in  monarchies  he 
uses  the  phrases,  sacred  majesty,  beloved  sovereign,  &c. 

In  the  course  of  this  day's  journey,  at  the  crossing  of  the 
roads,  the  caravan  fell  in  with  a  company  of  electioneerers, 
who  were  coming  from  tho  Fooley  settlement,  and  had  a  num 
ber  along,  taking  them  to  the  election  ground,  not  far  distant. 
They  were  slapping  them  upon  the  shoulder;  clapping  them 
upon  the  back;  and  saying  come  along  my  brave  fellow,  give 
us  your  vota.  How  are  the  old  people  at  home?  How  came 
you  to  get  that  handsome  girl  for  a  wife?  Is  your  crop  good 
this  year?  Come  take  a  dram  of  this  whiskey.  How  is  it  that 
you  do  not  set  up  for  an  office,  and  not  be  lying  at  home  in  the 
ashes,  supping  cider,  while  we  are  obliged  to  go  to  the  legisla 
ture,  and  to  fill  offices,  and  keep  you  at  your  ease  doing  noth 
ing?  You  must  take  your  turn  next  year.  This  will  never  do. 
Fair  play  is  bonny  play.  It  is  too  much  to  be  always  on  duty. 
Somebody  must  stand  forward,  or  the  people  will  be  run  down 
by  the  lawyers,  and  the  aristocracy,  and  gentry  that  wear  silk  l 
stockings  and  hair  powder.  Liberty,  equality;  equal  rights 
to  all;  privileges  to  none;  all  mea  are  equal.  That's  the  word! 
Come,  give  us  your  vote,  and  here  take  a  dram! 

The  Fooleys  were  all  in  good  humor,  exhibiting  an  abun 
dance  of  broad  grins.  Not  so  in  the  Foola  country  on  the 


214  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

Sierra  Leone  river,  where  the  inhabitants  are  sold  or  bought. 
It  is  with  great  reluctance  that  they  go  into  service;  and  some 
tender  scenes  take  place  at  the  parting  of  parents  and  children. 
It  is  there  called  slavery.  Here  it  is  called  supporting  liberty; 
though  it  is  sometimes  sapping  it,  by  putting  folly  into  public 
trust. 

The  Foolas,  on  the  Sierra  Leone,  are  spoken  of  by  some 
travellers,  as  cannibals;  but  I  do  not  find  an  agreement  upon 
this  head;  and  the  supposition  arises,  I  would  presume,  from 
the  purra,  or  state  inquisition,  which  is  amongst  them,  when 
the  bandoo  woman  denounces  a  culprit.  The  purra  then,  who 
are  state  officers,  take  off  the  culprit,  and  he  must  drink  red 
water,  or  be  subject  to  hot  irons.  If  he  shrinks  in  the  experi 
ment,  he  is  carried  away,  and  never  more  heard  of-  But  this 
affords  no  conclusive  evidence  that  they  eat  him;  anymore  than 
amongst  the  Fooleys  in  this  settlement,  who  have  been  repre 
sented  by  some  as  cannibals,  and  devouring  one  another;  be 
cause  in  their  kuriouks,  or  churches,  they  are  frequently 
denounced  by  their  priests  as  back-biters.  This  means  slan 
derers,  and  not  that  they  feed  upon  the  haunches  of  men  like 
venison.  Such  are  the  mistakes  of  superficial  observers,  and 
credulous  travellers;  whose  accounts  writers  copy,  and  publish 
as  facts,  frequently  without  due  examination. 


CHAPTER    XLIII. 

It  is  an  epoch  in  a  man's  life  when  lie  puts  on  breeches.  Tlie 
second  is  when  he  goes  to  school;  the  third  ivhen  he  gives  his 
vote* 

IT  is  an  epoch  in  the  life  of  man  when  he  puts  on  breeches. 
The  heart  of  the  mother  is  glad  when  she  sees  her  son  run 
about  in  pantaloons.  A  second  era  is  the  going  to  school'  She 
bids  him  be  a  good  boy,  and  learn  his  book.  It  is  the  father's 

*  This  is  a  short  chapter,  but  every  line  of  it  deserves  to  be  writ 
ten  in  letters  of  gold. 


m 

MODERN   CHIVALRY.  215 

business  more  especially,  or  at  least  the  father  has  then  more 
to  do  with  him,  when  he  puts  him  to  the  plough,  or  to  a  trade, 
or  a  profession.  He  gives  him  lessons  and  instructions  of 
industry  and  morale. 

But  when  he  comes  to  be  his  own  man,  at  the  age  of  twenty- 
one,  and  has  a  right  to  vote  at  an  election,  what  a  change  does 
his  situation  undergo!  What  a  right  devolves  upon  him!  I 
may  say  a  trust  for  the  under  age,  and  for  posterity.  What 
honor  attaches  to  his  right!  What  delicacy  ought  to  be  used 
in  the  exercise  of  it! 

In  the  age  of  ancient  chivalry,  when  the  youth  had  como  to 
manhood,  and  was  made  a  kaight,  it  was  with  matter  of  cere 
mony,  and  his  equipment  was  by  the  hand  of  a  fair  lady  buck 
ling  on  his  armor,  and  inspiring  him  by  her  charms  and  her 
sentiments,  with  a  heroic  sense  of  honor,  and  the  scorn  of  all 
that  is  false  or  mean.  The  chevalier  of  that  day  was  a  con 
servator  of  the  peace.  His  prowess  was  instead  of  laws.  Now 
the  vote  of  the  citizen  takes  place  of  the  sword  of  the  adven 
turer.  This  is  at  the  bottom  of  all  order  and  subordination. 
Shall  the  knight  of  the  golden  cross  be  free  from  stain  in  his 
achievements,  and  shall  a  republican  prostitute  his  vote,  or 
dishonor  his  standing  in  society,  by  bestowing  it  on  the  unwor 
thy?  Shall  he  give  away  his  suffrage  for  a  fair  word,  for  a 
dram  of  liquor,  "for  a  mess  of  pottage  ?"  It  is  his  birthright. 
Shall  he  give  his  vote  but  on  the  principle  of  conscience  and  of 
honor?  Shall  he  decline  his  duty  to  present  himself  at  the 
election?  How  does  he  know  but  that  upon  his  vote  may  de 
pend  the  duration  of  the  republic?  Who  can  tell  with  what 
particle  of  air  a  pestilence  begins?  And  whether  it  is  from  a 
quiescence  of  that  particle  that  a  stagnation  of  the  atmosphere 
ensues;  or  from  its  activity,  by  gas  from  the  earth,  that  a  hur 
ricane  is  produced.  A  vote  given  wrong,  or  withheld,  may 
occasion  ultimately  a  convulsion  in  the  commonwealth. 

But  want  of  truth,  artifice,  fraud,  meditated  fraud  in  this 
noblest  of  functions,  the  all  of  sovereignty,  in  a  vote  how  dis 
graceful,  how  criminal!  And  yet  it  is  not  always,  or  every 
where,  that  this  disgrace  begins  to.  be  attached  to  this  most 
flagitious  of  all  knavery.  If  these  strictures  shall  have  the 


216 


MODERN   CHIVALRY. 


effect  to  cultivate  a  sense  of  honor  in  our  candidates  and  in  our 
voters,  it  will  be  worth  while  to  have  written  the  book. 


CHAPTER    XLIV. 

IJie  Lack-learning  settlement.  The  inhabitants  rise  to  oppose 
their  entrance,  from  a  false  rumor  of  their  being  men  of 
learning. 

THEY  were  now  entering  the  Lack-learning  settlement, 
where  a  great  uproar  had  been  made  on  account  of  their 
coming.  It  had  been  given  out  that  the  company  consisted  of 
scholars  and  lawyers.  This,  either  from  mistake,  or  the  de 
sign  of  wags,  who  liked  to  see  misconception,  even  though  it 
occasioned  mischief.  A  multitude  had  got  together,  with 
sticks  and  stones,  to  obstruct  the  march  into  their  country. 

It  was  at  the  opening  of  a  defile  they  were  met,  and  could 
proceed  no  farther.  The  Captaia  himself  advanced  with  a  flag, 
and  with  great  difficulty  obtained  a  parley  and  a  conference. 
Friends  and  countrymen,  said  he,  what  do  yo  mean?  There 
are  no  scholars  amongst  us,  save  a  Latin  schoolmaster,  who  has 
left  off  the  business,  and  is  going  to  become  an  honest  man,  in 
a  new  country.  We  have  no  lawyers;  not  a  soul  that  has 
ever  been  in  a  court,  unless  indeed  as  culprits,  and  to  be  tried 
for  misdemeanors;  and  that,  I  take  it,  is  not  likely  to  give 
them  a  strong  prejudice  in  favor  of  the  administration  of  jus 
tice.  Here  is  Tom  the  Tinker,  Will  Watlin,  Harum  Scarum, 
the  duellist,  O'Fin,  the  Irishman,  and  several  others,  that  have 
no  predilection  for  scholarship.  It  will  be  but  little  learning 
they  will  introduce  among  you.  There  is  Clonmel,  the  ballad 
singer;  he  can  sing  and  make  a  ballad,  that  is,  a  song  for  a 
ballad;  but  that  is  but  a  small  matter. 

After  all,  what  harm  could  learning  do  you,  provided  that  you 
did  not  learn  yourselves?  The  bears  and  the  foxes  of  these 
woods  do  not  learn;  but  they  do  not  hinder  men  to  read  books. 
They  have  no  objections  to  schools  or  colleges,  or  courts  of 


MODERN    ClllVALRT.  217 

justice;  because  it  does  not  prevent  them  running  into  holes, 
or  climbing  upon  trees.  The  racoons  and  squirrels  can  crack 
nuts,  maugre  all  our  education  and  refinement.  "Every  man 
in  his  humor,"  is  the  title  of  one  of  Ben  Johnston's  comedies. 
If  you  do  not  find  your  account,  or  your  amusement  in  literary 
studies,  what  matters  it  if  others  do?  Learning  is  not  a  thing 
that  will  grow  upon  you  all  at  once.  It  is  a  generous  enemy  ; 
like  a  rattle- snake,  it  gives  warning.  The  boy  feels  the  birch 
on  his  bottom,  to  make  him  learned.  The  man  gets  a  head 
ache,  poring  over  books.  In  fact,  it  requires  some  resolution 
and  much  perseverance  to  become  learned.  I  acknowledge 
that  men  were  at  first  like  beasts  of  the  wood,  and  the  fowls  of 
the  air,  without  grammars  or  dictionaries;  and  it  took  a  great 
deal  to  bring  them  out  of  that  state,  and  give  them  what  is 
called  education,  At  the  revival  of  letters  in  Europe,  after 
the  dark  ages,  it  was  thought  a  great  matter  to  get  to  be  a 
scholar.  Peculiar  privileges  were  attached.  Hence  what  is 
called  the  "benefit  of  clergy." 

Te  clerchy,  said  an  honest  German;  te  clerchy  is  te  pickest 
rokes  from  de  two.  An  honest  Sherman  minister  as  knows 
nottin  is  petter  as  tern.  Te  lawyers  is  worser  as  te  tyvil,  mit 
tare  pooks,  and  sheets  te  beeples  for  te  money.  Laming  is 
gute  for  nix,  als  to  make  rokes.  It  is  all  a  gontrive  to  sheet  te 
beeples. 

The  demagogues  amongst  the  multitude,  who  had  excited 
this  opposition  to  learning  and  the  learned,  was  a  shrewd  fel 
low,  and  it  was  not  that  he  was  not  sensible  of  the  advantages 
of  learning,  but  because  he  was  a  sciolist  himself,  and  did  not 
wish  to  lose  his  influence  by  the  competition  of  a  lawyer,  or  a 
scholar,  that  he  had  excited  this  prejudice.  According  to  the 
old  saying,  "in  the  kingdom  of  the  blind  one-eyed  people  are 
sovereigns/'  But  discovering  that  among  this  company,  as 
the  Captian  said,  and  which  he  could  guess  from  the  manners 
and  the  countenance,  there  were  no  literati,  or  what  the  French 
call  savans,  coming  forward  to  to  take  a  degree  of  the  merid 
ian,  or  explore  antiquities;  much  less  a  corps  of  lawyers  to 
establish  codes  of  jurisprudence,  or  introduce  litigation,  he 
explained  the  matter  to  those  around  him,  ard  reconciled  them 


218  MODLHN   CHIVALRY. 

to  the  proposition  of  suffering  them  to  pass  through  the  coun 
try.  The  Captain  expressed  his  sense  of  the  courtesy  and  op 
portune  assistance,  towards  the  object  of  their  progression; 
and  making  him  a  present  of  half  a  gross  of  jews-harps  for  the 
young  people,  proceeded  without  further  molestation. 


CHAPTER    XLV. 

Which  contains  "a  bone  to  gnaw,"  for  tlie  demagogues. 

THE  demagogue  of  all  times  and  countries,  uses  the  same 
arts.  The  laws  are  a  standing  butt  of  his  invective.  He  can 
not  be  a  sage  or  a  legislator;  and  therefore  must  find  fault 
•with  those  that  ara.  The  Athenian,  Cleon,  in  his  harrangues, 
as  given  by  Thucydides,  is  a  perfect  model  of  a  demagogue. 
I  have  not  the  book  by  me,  or  I  would  copy  one  to  give  a 
specimen  of  his  art.  The  oppression  of  the  laws,  and  the 
inequality  of  justice  to  the  poor,  are  the  usual  themes  of  his 
declamation.  But  where  there  are  laws,  there  will  be  science ; 
and  science  is  the  support  of  laws.  Hence  the  hostility  against 
these  at  the  same  time.  Even  in  the  most  savage  state,  that 
nearest  to  nature,  where  brute  strength  or  cunning  prevails, 
there  must  be  inequality.  Can  any  artificial  order  in  society 
procure  a  possible  state  of  perfect  equality  in  everything? 
It  is  impossible.  Can  there  be  equality  of  property  even? 
One  division  must  follow  another.  The  cry  will  still  be,  divide, 
divide,  until  all  shall  be  equal  in  poverty  and  wretchedness ; 
for  there  will  be  no  individual  industry.  But  now  is  the 
time  for  men  to  be  gathered  in  gregarious  associations,  or 
Jesuit  missions ;  and  will  there  be  no  prophet,  like  Rapp,  or 
other  religious  impostor,  to  overtop  the  rest,  and  give  the  lie 
to  equality?  There  is  but  one  place  where  there  is  equality — 
that  is  in  the  grave. 

The  passion  of  the  time  changes,  like  the  fashions  of  dress. 
It  is  just  the  same  principle  that  introduces  the  square  toe  in 
place  of  the  sharp ;  that  also  makes  it  the  rage  to  be  a  scholar, 


CHIVALRY. 


219 


or  to  be  illiterate.  But  the  change  in  the  one  case  is  not  so 
much  felt  as  in  the  other.  It  is  not  attended  with  such  exten 
sive  consequences.  "Of  making  many  books  there  is  no  end, 
and  much  study  is  a  weariness  of  the  flesh."  This  is  the  lan 
guage  of  a  man  that  had  been  a  great  scholar  and  writer;  be 
cause  in  his  experience  it  had  not  given  perfect  happiness,  as 
nothing  will,  he  speaks  in  these  terms.  It  is  not  meant  to  be 
taken  precisely  as  spoken ;  and  is  no  more  than  an  expression 
of  the  inanity  of  the  noblest  of  all  enjoyments — the  mental 
gratification  of  making  or  reading  a  book. 

I  therefore  think  the  Lack-learning  people  had  been  misled 
in  their  prejudice  against  a  literary  education.  At  least,  it  is 
my  simple  way  of  thinking,  and  I  may  be  wrong.  Admitting 
this,  I  shall  go  on  with  my  story. 


CHAPTER   XLVI. 


The  Mad-cap  settlement.  Harum  Scarum  challenges  the  beasts  of 
the  forest-  The  Captain  as  a  military  man.  TJie  Mad-caps 
are  quieted  by  a  ballad  from  Clonmel.  The  democrats. 

PROVISIONS  had  begun  to  fail;  and  though  they  had  a  fire 
arm  or  two  in  company,  with  a  little  amunition,  yet  nothing 
had  presented  itself  in  these  woods  to  take  down  and  barbecue, 
and  they  did  not  deem  it  prudent  to  detach  one  of  the  party 
as  a  hunter,  it  being  safer  to  keep  together  on  the  trail  or 
road.  Harum  Scarum  was  the  commissary;  but  he  could  de 
vise  no  ways  and  means  of  supplying  food,  unless  by  sending 
a  challenge  to  the  game,  and  calling  them  out  to  a  duel,  where 
they  might  be  shot  at  pleasure. 

It  was  thought  absurd  to  suppose  that  deer  or  buffaloe,  or 
even  a  wild-cat  or  oppossum,  would  stand  upon  a  point  of 
honor,  and  come  out  of  the  woods  at  a  card,  in  the  manner  of 
men  piqued  upon  their  courage. 

Why  not?  said  Harum  Scarum ;  do  not  men  come  out  and 
stand  up  to  be  shot  at,  like  a  post,  without  stirring?  Have  not 


MODERN    CHIYALRY. 

men  more  sense  than  beasts?  At  least  they  have  more  learn 
ing,  and  boast  of  their  education.  I  can  bring  a  fellow  out  to 
me  almost  at  a  wink;  and  shall  I  be  at  a  loss  with  a  brute 
beast,  who  has  not  half  the  prudence,  though  it  may  have  the 
same  self-love,  and  principle  of  self-preservation, 

You  may  try  it,  said  the  Captain.  I  shall  wonder  a  little  if 
the  event  "corresponds  with  the  intention." 

Harum  Scarum,  having  made  out  his  challenge,  made  choice 
of  Will  Watlin  for  his  second,  to  bear  the  cards,  and  disperse 
them  in  the  forest. 

No  answer  came,  and  no  bear  or  panther  appeared,  or  came 
upon  the  ground. 

The  next  thing  was  to  post  them;  which  he  did,  and  put  up 
billets  upon  trees.  They  were  to  this  effect: 

"Take  notice,  that  I  Harum  Scarum,  gentleman,  do  hereby 
post  and  publish  the  beasts  of  these  woods,  to  be  scoundrels, 
liars,  and  cowards,  of  which  let  all  men  take  notice;  that  no 
man  of  honor  may  keep  company  with  them,  but  consider 
them  as  poltroons  and  rascals." 

This  was  what  is  called  the  Mad-cap  settlement,  the  inhabi. 
tants  being  of  an  irritable  disposition  and  apt  to  take  offence. 
Accordingly  seeing  those  upon  trees,  as  they  were  looking  for 
their  cattle  in  the  wood,  they  were  put  into  great  passion. 
Sundry  of  them  had  fallen  in  with  stragglers  of  the  company, 
gathering  roots  and  berries,  or  looking  for  a  shot,  and  had 
come  to  high  words,  under  a  mutual  misunderstanding  of  the 
circumstance  which  gave  offence.  Collecting  a  party  at  a 
pass,  the  Mad-caps  had  come  forward,  and  determined  to  give 
battle.  The  Captain  saw  the  necssity  of  some  active  measures 
on  his  part,  and  collecting  his  men,  began  to  form.  He  had 
with  him  the  player  on  the  bag-pipes,  and  Tom  the  Tinker* 
who  turned  a  piece  of  tin  into  a  kettle  drum,  and  beat  on  it 
the  rogues  march,  which  was  the  only  point  of  war  that  he 
could  beat.  Will  Wratlin  had  a  saplin  of  hickory,  and  O'Fin 
his  flail,  which  he  had  brought  along  with  him,  not  knowing 
but  he  might  get  a  job  of  threshing  by  the  way. 

He  had  now  got  a  job,  it  is  true;  but  not  of  the  same  kind 
hat  he  meant — wheat  at  six-pence  a  bushel — but  people's  brains 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  221 

to  beat  out,  or  their  bones  to  break ;  a  thing  as  unprofitable  as  it 
is  unlawful.  The  Captain  being  a  military  man,  was  thinking 
of  the  science  and  manoeuvres  put  in  practice  by  the  ancient 
and  modern  commanders,  by  which  they  had  gained  battles. 
He  deliberated  whether  to  advance  in  a  single  column,  until 
within  a  certain  distance,  and  then  halt  with  the  head,  while 
the  rear  wheeled  round  and  struck  like  a  serpent  with  its  tail, 
in  the  manner  Epimanondas  gained  the  battle  of  Leuctra.  Or 
whether  he  should  imitate  Hannibal  at — I  forget  at  what  bat 
tle,  with  the  Romans,  and  oppose  a  semi- circle,  with  a  convex  to 
the  enemy;  and  which  yielding  in  the  centre,  changed  to  a 
crescent,  and  received  the  adversary  in  its  horns,  which  encom 
passing  the  flanks,  cut  them  to  pieces;  or  whether  he  should 
pierce  the  enemies  centre  "by  successive  masses,  thus  cutting 
him  in  two  and  destroying  each  part  separately  He  was  de 
bating  with  himself  whether  he  ^should  advance  to  a  certain 
height,  or  rely  upon  an  ambuscade  among  the  bushes  in  tho 
plain,  when,  in  the  meantime,  Clonmel  the  ballad  singer  struck 
up  a  song  in  the  centre,  and  tho  Mad-caps  began  to  listen; 
and  though  they  had  as  many  arms  as  a  learned  lawyer  puts 
in  his  declaration,  "swords,  staves  and  knives,"  they  dropped 
them  all,  and  seemed  to  return  'U  good  humor. 
The  song  of  Clonmel  was  as  follows: 
What  use  is  in  fighting,  and  gouging  and  birtng, 

Far  better  to  let  jt  alone; 
For  kicking  and  cuffing,  and  boxing  and  hi  Hi  tig, 

It  makes  the  flesh  ache,  and  the  bone. 

Bat  give  me  the  whiskey,  it  makes  one  so  frisky, 

But  beating  and  bruising  make  sore; 
Come  shake  hands,  my  cronies,  come  near  my  dear  honies, 

And  think  of  your  grudges  no  more. 

We  are  a  set  of  poor  fellows,  just  escaped  from  the  gallows, 

And  hunting  a  wolf  or  a  bear; 
And  what  with  a  tail  on,  except  the  camelion, 

Can  live  upon  fog,  or  the  air? 

Some  venison  haunches,  to  fill  up  our  paunches, 
Come  see  if  you  cannot  produce; 

18* 


MODERN   CBWALRY. 

A  baibecued  pig,  a  nice  mutton  leg, 
Or  turkey,  or  bit  of  a  goose. 

\V  e  have  store  of  good  liquor,  so  bring  something  quicker 

And  club  your  potatoes  and  yams; 
We'll  make  a  great  feast,  and  turn  all  to  a  jest, 

So  away  with  your  frowns  and  your  damns. 

There  is  nohting  like  love,  which  comes  from  above, 

And  tickles  the  youngsters  below; 
Jf  is  vain  man's  own  fault,  that  he  so  brews  his  mn.lt, 

As  ever  to  cry  out  heigh-ho. 

Alexander,  and  Caesar,  and  Nebuchadnezzar, 

Found  out  to  their  cost  this  was  true; 
Now  who  will  be  fools  to  drink  at  the  pools 

Of  ambition  and  war,  we  or  you  ? 

The  Mad-caps  were  settled  like  a  hive  of  bees,  and  coming 
forward,  began  to  gather  in  a  cluster  round  the  ballad  singer. 
Some  took  him  by  the  hand,  others  asked  for  the  keg  of  whis- 
koy,  and  in  a  short  time  amity  was  established,  and  they  were 
all  as  well  acquainted  as  if  they  had  been  together  seven  years. 
Some  of  them  knew  Tom  the  Tinker,  having  served  under 
him  in  the  western  insurrection.  Stores  of  provisions  were  in 
in  a  short  time  brought  in,  and  forage  for  the  Captain's  horse, 
and  the  blind  mare.  Having  refreshed  themselves  with  rest, 
a  day  or  two,  maintaining  still  a  good  understanding  with  the 
Mad-caps,  and  mixing  occasionally  with  hunting  parties  that 
shot  pquirrels  and  racoons,  who  declined  to  accept  challenges, 
and  fight  upon  equal  terms,  they  began  to  think  of  the  object 
of  their  emigration.  Orders  were  given  to  put  the  troops  in 
motion;  and  taking  up  the  line  of  march;  the  cavalry  in  front, 
they  set  out,  and  passing  through  the  Mad-cap  country,  no 
interruption  happened,  until  they  began  to  enter  that  of  the 
Democrats. 

This  is  ^a  settlement  contiguous  to  the  Mad-caps.  The  in 
habitants  are  a  very  happy  people,  no  demagogues  having  yet 
arisen  among  them,  to  propel  to  licentiousness,  as  for  instance 
to  propose  agrarian  laws  or  an  equality  of  goods  and  cha.ttels: 
or  to  excite  them  to  contention  amongst  themselves,  or  to  war 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  223 

with  foreign  Bowers,  in  order  that  they  may  acquire  military 
renown,  grow  rich  on  government  contracts,  or  obtain  pow 
er  and  importance  by  their  oratory.  Such  had  not  yet  begun 
to  call  out  against  laws  and  the  administration  of  justice ; 
sciolists  and  young  persons,  too  indolent  to  acquire  solid 
knowledge,  declaiming  against  rules,  the  policy  of  which  they 
do  not  comprehend ;  affecting  to  discuss  points  in  their  lucu 
brations  of  elementary  jurisprudence,  as  to  form  or  substance 
of  which  they  are  as  incapable  as  half  a  tradesman  at  any  other 
profession,  could  be  of  pointing  out  the  excellencies  or  defects 
of  an  improvement  on  the  tools,  or  machines  in  use.  It  takes 
a  great  general  to  improve  tactics;  not  a  half  year  soldier  just 
taken  from  a  drill-sergeant.  Yet  such  are  the  most  presump 
tuous,  and  never  are  convinced  of  their  incapacity,  until  ex 
periment  forms  the  rejection.  But  in  the  meantime,  the 
democratic  character  is  levelled,  and  incurs  the  imputation  of 
being  unfit  for  government,  on  sound  and  stable  principles, 
equally  remote  from  a  shameless  disregard  of  public  faith,  on 
one  side,  and  false  or  visionary  philosophy  and  fanaticism,  on 
the  other. 

The  state  of  Democracy  much  resembled  that  of  the  Achaean 
commonwealth;  not  so  much  In  the  form  of  the  constitution  as 
the  principles  of  the  government,  and  the  virtues  of  the  people. 
I  shall  take  the  description  of  it  from  Polybius.  It  is  con 
tained  in  the  eulogium  which  he  makes,  in  the  course  of  his 
history,  upon  this  people. 

"From  whence,  then,  has  it  happened,"  says  he,  "that  not 
the  people  of  these  countries  only,  but  all  the  rest  of  the  in 
habitants  of  Peloponessus,  are  so  well  pleased  to  receive,  not 
only  their  laws,  and  form  of  government,  but  their  very  names 
also,  from  the  Achseans?  In  my  judgment  the  cause  is  noth 
ing  else  than  equality  and  liberty;  in  a  word,  that  democratic 
species  of  government,  which  is  found  more  just  and  perfect 
in  its  kind,  among  the  Achaeans  than  in  any  other  state.  This 
republic  was  at  first  composed  of  a  small  part  only  of  the  in 
habitants  of  the  Peloponesus,  who  voluntarily  associated 
themselves  into  one  body;  but  a  greater  number  soon  joined 
themselves  to  them,  induced  to  it  by  persuasion  and  the  mani- 


224  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

fest  advantage  of  such  a  union.  And  some,  as  opportunities 
arose,  were  forced  into  the  confederacy.  But  they  were  satis 
fied  with  the  violence,  by  which  they  had  been  compelled  to 
embrace  so  excellent  a  form  of  government.  For  the  new 
citizens  were  sufferd  to  enjoy  all  the  rights  and  privileges  that 
were  permitted  to  the  old.  everything  was  equal  among  them 
all.  Thus  employing  the  means  that  were  of  all  things  the  most 
effectual  for  their  purpose,  equity  and  gentleness,  they  soon 
arrived  at  the  point  which  they  had  in  view.'7 

By  this  equality  we  are  to  understand  as  to  rights.  No  one, 
at  that  day,  ever  conceived  the  visionary  idea,  of  perfect  equal 
ity  of  conditions,  so  as  to  have  no  poor,  and  no  rich;  no  wise, 
and  no  foolish;  no  weak,  or  no  strong;  but  all  alike. 

,,When  the  Thebans,  after  the  great  and  unexampled  victory 
which  they  obtained  against  the  Lacedemonians,  in  the  battle 
of  Leiactra,  began,  with  the  surprise  of  all,  to  lay  claim  to  the 
soverereignty  of  Greece,  various  troubles  and  contentions  arose 
among  the  people  of  the  country,  and  especially  between  the 
two  contending  parties;  for  one  refused  to  submit  as  conquered, 
while  the  other  persisted  to  claim  the  victory.  In  these  cir 
cumstances,  they  at  last  agreed  to  yield  all  the  points  that 
were  in  dispute  between  them,  to  the  sole  judgment  and  deci" 
sion  of  the  Achseans.  Nor  was  this  preference  obtained  by 
any  superiority  of  thought  or  power,  for  they  were  at  that  time 
the  least  of  all  the  states  of  Greece;  but  was  confessedly  be 
stowed  upon  that  integrity  and  love  of  virtue,  by  which  they 
became  distinguished  above  all  other  people." 

This  is  the  real  character  of  democracy;  and  who,  in  this 
view  of  the  character,  would  be  unwilling  to  be  called  a  dem 
ocrat?  Yet  there  have  been  revolutions  in  the  public  mind, 
with  respect  to  the  honorary,  or  disreputable  nature  of  this 
appellation.  It  will  be  recollected,  that  after  the  adoption  of 
what  is  called  the  funding  system,  by  the  administration  of 
the  federal  government,  societies  were  instituted  under  the 
denomination  of  democratic  societies.*  It  was  the  intempe 
rance  of  some  of  these  bodies  which  caused  them  to  be  dis- 

*  About  the  years  91-<2-3. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  225 

continued.  Prudent  men  and  patriots  were  willing  to  avoid  a 
name  which  had  incurred  disreputation  from  the  excesses  of 
those  attached  to  it. 

But  the  errors  of  the  federal  administration,  or  at  least 
measures  thought  to  be  errors,  having  overthrown  that  admin 
istration,  the  name,  before  buried,  began  to  obtain  resuscita 
tion,  and  to  be  able  to  show  its  head  in  a  new  existence,  and 
with  fresh  honors,  instead  of  insult  and  degradation.  The 
term  democrat  has  ceased  to  be  a  stigma,  and  begins  to  bo 
assumed  by  our  public  writers,  and  claimed  by  our  patriots,  as 
characteristic  of  a  good  citizen.  That  of  republican,  which 
alone  had  been  ventured  on  for  some  time,  is  now  considered 
cold  and  equivocal,  and  has  given  way,  pretty  generaly,  to  that 
of  democratic  republican.  In  a  short  time  it  will  be  simply, 
the  democracy  and  democrat. 

But  how  long  will  this  be  so  in  the  United  States,  or  in 
these  states?  Its  duration  will  be  in  proportion  to  the  wisdom 
and  virtue  of  the  people.  It  is  He  alone,  "  who  gathereth  the 
winds  in  his  fists,"  that  can  calculate  the  revolutions  that  de 
pend  upon  the  temper  and  the  passions  of  men. 


END  OF  VOL.  III. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY, 

.  t  * 

OR  SEQUEL  TO  THE 

ADVENTURES  OF  CAPTAIN  FARRAGO, 

AND 

TEAGUE  O'KEGAN. 

i 

BY 

H.    H.    BRACKENRIDGE. 


Quidquid  agunt  homines 

Farrago.  Juv. 

Ridentum  dicere  verum  quid  vetat  ? — HORACE. 

"Man's  averse  to  all  the  truth  he  hears.*' — CREECH. 


REVISED  AND  CORRECTED,  AND  WITH  NOTES, 

BY  H.  M.  BRACKENRIDGE. 

Part  Second,  Vol.  Fouith. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
PUBLISHED    BY    T.     B.     PETERSON. 

1857. 


• 


CONTENTS  OF  VOLUME  IV. 


CHAPTER  I.— "Which  treats  of  Democracy,  of  Suffrage,  or  the  right  to  vote, 
and  some  other  matters ••••  9 

CHAPTER  II. — The  party  approaches  the  back  settlement — Harum  Scarum 
is  sent  with  a  talk.  The  new  settler 18 

CHAPTER  III.— Containing  a  short  disquisition  on  the  uncertainty  of  the 

Law 23 

CHAPTER  IV. — The  story  turns  back  to  O'Regan.  and  gives  some  account 
of  his  judicial  career.  The  Court  is  broken  up,  and  Teague  sets  off  to 
join  the  Captain 28 

CHAPTER  V.— There  was  a  talk  of  setting  up  a  printer.  Teague  meets 
with  an  accident,  which  suggests  an  orginal  criticism  on  Milton 30 

CHAPTER  VI.— Which  treats  of  the  founding  of  Colonies  in  general,  and  of 
some  in  particular.  Captain  Farrago  becomes  Governor.  A  description 
of  the  new  settlement 36 

CHAPTER  VII. — The  new  Governor  turns  his  thoughts  to  the  subject  of 
government.  The  means  of  governing  men.  The  Clergy  in  free  gov 
ernments.  The  Press... 4'J 

CHAPTER  VIII.— The  power  of  the  Judiciary  to  decide  upon  the  constitu 
tionality  of  a  Law 53 

CHAPTER  IX.— In  which  the  author  relaxes  a  little  from  the  gravity  of  the 
preceding  chapters 56 

CHAPTER  X.— Which  treats  of  the  writings  of  Tom  Paine 60 

CHAPTER  XI.— The  lay  preacher  is  appointed  Chaplin  by  the  Governor...    62 

CHAPTER  XII. — Containing  a  dissertation  on  common  sense,  the  most  un 
common  of  all  kinds  of  sense 65 

CHAPTER  XIII.— Indian  Hostilities~-a  War  party  attacks  the  settlement- 
is  persued,  and  Teague  by  accident  becomes  a  hero,  and  is  made  a  Gene 
ral 70 

CHAPTER  XIV.— The  Justice  of  wars;  British  and  American 79 

CHAPTER  XV. — Containing  a  somewhat  dry  disquisition  oa  the  nature  of 
the  good  and  evil  of  Republican  Governments 83 

CHAPTER  XVI.— Constitution  making  continued 88 

CHAPTER  XVII— How  the  new  government  worked— general  discontent...    94 

CHAPTER  XVIII.— The  phrenzv  of  Constitution  mending  still  continues. 
The  Governor's  address  to  the  Irish  emigrants 101 


IV  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XIX.— The  Convention  of  Delegates  to  frame  the  Constitution...  106 

CHAPTER  XX.— Universal  suffrage— shall  it  be  confined  to  rational  crea 
tures,  or  shall  horses,  sheep,  and  other  cattle  vote? 109 

CHAPTER  XXL— Governor  Farrago  takes  into  consideration  his  Message  to 
the  Legislature II8 

CHAPTER  XXIL— From  the  right  of  suffrage  the  popular  attention  is  turned 
to  the  right  of  Delegation.  Shall  brutes  be  voted  eligible? 126 

CHAPTER  XXIH  —Which  treats  of  the  training  of  orators  in  the  Republic.  130 

CHAPTER  XXIV.— Party  disputes.  Perfectibility  of  man  and  beast.  The 
Governor  is  requested  to  appoint  a  Quadruped  to  office.  The  visionary 
Philosopher 134 

CHAPTER  XXV.— The  visionary  philosopher  persists  in  his  attempts  to  con 
vert  beasts  into  rational  beings - 138 

CHAPTER  XXVI.— The  author  considers  the  difference  between  the  brutal 
and  human  nature.  The  difference  in  kind,  and  not  in  degree.. 144 

CHAPTER  XXVIL— The  author  apologizes  for  the  preceding  chapters  on  the 
subject  of  beasts 149 

CHAPTER  XXV1IL— The  subject  continued 154 

CHAPTER  XXIX.— Consisting  of  digresssons 159 

CHAPTER  XXX.— The  visionary  philosopher  and  his  experiments.  A  mon 
key  is  commissioned  clerk  of  the  court.  Failure  of  the  attempt.  A  hound 
is  admitted  to  the  bar,  with  no  better  success 168 

CHAPTER  XXXL— The  subject  of  the  right  of  suffrage  resumed 177 

CHAPTER  XXXII.— Conversation  between  the  Governor  and  the  visionary 
philosopher.  The  manufacture  of  public  opinion 184 

CHAPTER  XXXIIL— Of  matters  in  general  Of  capital  punishment.  The 
author  declares  that  if  condemned  to  death,  his  choice  would  be  to  be  shot 
by  a  lady  dressed  in  white  muslin 192 

CHAPTER  XXXIV.— Further  of  the  visionary  philosopher.  league  goes  to 
his  own  hand,  like  Noctra  Mullin's  dog 198 

CHAPTER  XXXV.— Democratic  power  unbalanced,  is  the  despotism  of  the 
many  instead  of  one.  Impeachment 201 

CHAPTER  3XXVL— In  which  the  subject  of  impeachment  is  gravely  pur 
sued 21° 

CHAPTER  XXXVIL— Experiments  of  the  visionary  Philosopher.  The 
School  is  broken  up  by  a  summary  process 214 

CHAPTER  XXXVIII.— Teague  complains  of  neglect,  and  desires  a  better 

office 216 ' 

CHAPTER  XXXIX.— Why  is  there  more  talent  in  the  new  settlement  than 
in  the  old? 218 

CHAPTER  XL.— The  most  difficult  of  all  things  is  to  govern  men.  Public 
opinion  the  great  lever  of  modern  times 220 


CONTENTS.  V 

CHAPTER  XLL— The  visionary  philosopher  once  more 226 

CHAPTER  XLIL— Governor  Farrago  gets  out  of  patience  with  the  follies  of 
his  people,  and  pronounces  a  phillipic  against  them.  It  produces  a 
marked  effect 233 

CHAPTER  XLIIL— Containing  some  account  of  the  abode  of  Governor  Far 
rago  in  the  new  settlement 237 

CHAPTER  XLIV.— Being  the  last  in  this  work,  in  which  there  is  some  ac 
count  of  the  courtship  of  the  Governor,  who  ia  still  a  hatchelor 243 


PREFACE  TO  FOURTH  VOLUME. 


THE  proof,  both  of  the  3d  and  4th  Vols.  of  the  Se 
quel,  or  second  part  of  this  work,  having  been  sent  by 
mail,  by  the  printer  to  the  editor,  some  typographical 
errors  were  unavoidable ;  such  for  instance,  as  that  on 
the  first  page,  where  the  word  primitive,  instead  of 
primary,  assemblages,  occurs,  and  on  the  14th  page, 
where  an  accidental  transposition  of  a  sentence  ren 
ders  the  author's  meaning  obscure.  Other  mistakes 
occur,  which  the  reader's  own  judgment  will  correct, 
and  thus  dispense  with  the  least  ornamental  part  of  a 
book — a  table  of  errata. 

The  author  continues  the  subject  of  the  3d  Vol.  the 
follies  and  extravagance  of  the  multitude,  which  too 
often  prevail  for  a  time,  even  in  this  enlightened  re 
public.  It  is  the  rank  growth  of  a  free  soil,  which 
proves  its  worth,  while  it  shows  that  there  is  work  for 
the  satirist,  and  the  moralist.  Freedom  is  a  hardy 
plant,  and  will  bear  much  pruning,  for  the  benefit  of 
the  tree  as  well  as  of  the  fruit.  This  the  author  en 
deavored  to  execute  in  a  vein  of  pleasantry ;  and  where 
he  speaks  seriously,  it  is  to  display  his  love  of  free 
democratic  institutions,  in  spite  of  their  imperfections, — 


VIII  PREFACE. 

imperfections,  for  the  greater  part,  incident  to  human 
nature.  His  laughing  mode  of  instruction,  continually 
reminds  us  of  the  Athenian  sage,  as  he  is  represented 
by  Zenophon. 

The  editor,  in  his  task  of  revision,  has  taken  some 
liberties  with  occasional  phrases,  rather  strong  for  the 
present  more  refined  taste  of  the  public.  It  mustbe  rec 
ollected,  that  the  work  properly  belongs  to  the  era  of 
Fielding,  Smollet,  and  Stern,  who  had  no  hesitation  in 
"  calling  a  spade,  a  spade,"  as  suited  their  humor.  He 
has  also  condensed  some  passages  which  partook  too 
much  of  the  essay  form.  It  must  also  be  born  in  mind, 
that  the  author  retained  the  frame  work  of  the  story, 
merely  as  a  suitable  repository  for  his  opinions  on  dif 
ferent  subjects,  and  did  not  so  much  indulge  in  that 
broad  humor,  which  rendered  the  first  part,  one  of  the 
most  popular  works  ever  published  in  America.  The 
transparency  and  ease  displayed  in  the  style,  has  been 
the  subject  of  universal  admiration.  The  Westminster 
Heview,  has  pronounced  a  high  eulogium  on  this  work, 
as  well  as  on  TrumbulPs  M'Fingal,  the  only  genuine 
Hudibrastic  ever  written  after  Butler.  The  author  of 
*'  Modern  Chivalry,"  is  styled  "  the  American  Cer 
vantes,"  although  no  servile  imitation;  but  in  profound 
observation,  in  fertility  of  imagination,  in  sparkling  wit, 
and  felicity  of  expression,  his  work  stands  unrivaled 
in  this  country.  But  it  will  not  be  fully  appreciated, 
until  republished  in  England — distance  will  do  for  it, 
that  which  time  alone  can  do,  in  the  country  where  it 
was  produced. 


MODERN  CHIYALBY 


VOL.  IV. 

CHAPTER  I. 


WliicJi  treats  of  Democracy,  of  Suffrage,  or  the  Right  to  Vote, 
and  some  other  matters. 

"We  call  our  government  a  democracy,  because  in  form  and 
in  spirit  it  approaches  nearer  to  it  than  to  any  other.  Yet? 
except  in  our  town  meetings,  and  primitive  assemblies,  it  ex 
ists  no  where  in  its  simple  form,  but  by  representation.  Still 
the  people  are  the  source  of  all  power,  whether  directly  or  in, 
directly  exercised ;  we  therefore  call  it  a  democracy,  and 
may  take  the  description  of  one  from  a  speech  put  into  the 
mouth  of  Pericles  by  Thucydides.  It  is  to  the  Athenian 
people.  "  This  our  government  is  called  a  democracy,  be 
cause,  in  the  administration,  it  hath  respect,  not  to  a  few,  but 
to  the  multitude .  a  democracy  ;  wherein,  though  there  be 
an  equality  amongst  all  men,  in  point  of  law,  for  their  private 
controversies  ;  yet  in  confering  of  dignities  one  man  is  pre 
ferred  before  another  to  a  public  charge  ;  and  that,  according 
to  the  reputation,  not  of  his  power,  but  of  his  virtue  ;  and  is 
not  put  back  through  the  poverty,  or  the  obscurity  of  his 
person,  as  long  as  he  can  do  service  ta  the  commonwealth. 
And  we  live  not  only  free  in  the  administration  of  the  state  ; 
vol.  4,  2 


10  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

but  also,  one  with  another,  void  of  jealousy  towards  each  other 
in  our  daily  course  of  life  ;  not  offended  at  any  man  for  follow 
ing  his  own  humour,  nor  casting  on  any  man  censure  or  sour 
looks,  which  though  they  be  no  punishment,  yet  they  grieve  ; 
so  that  conversing  one  with  another,  for  the  private,  without 
offence,  we  stand  chiefly  in  fear  to  transgress  against  the  pub 
lic  ;  and  are  able  always  to  be  obedient  to  those  that  govern, 
and  to  the  laws  ;  and  principally  to  such  laws,  as  are  written 
for  punishment  against  injury  ;  and  such  unwritten  as  bring 
undeniable  shame  to  the  transgressor." 

This  definition  or  description  of  a  practical  democracy,  is 
drawn  from  real  life.  It  is  in  the  mouth  of  Pericles,  a  man 
of  business  ;  a  sapient  statesman ;  who  had  been  bred  and 
born  in  a  democracy,  versed  in  its  affairs,  and  knew  its  errors, 
and  its  excellencies.  One  thing  is  remarkable,  that  a  partic 
ular  excellence  which  he  notices,  is  the  freedom  of  opinion. 
Where  a  government  is  founded  in  opinion,  it  is  of  the  es 
sence  of  its  preservation,  that  opinion  be  free.  It  is  not 
enough  that  no  inquisition  exists  ;  that  no  lettre  de  cachet 
can  issue;  but  that  no  man  shall  attempt  to  frown  another 
out  of  his  exercise  of  private  judgment.  Is  it  democracy  to 
denounce  a  man  in  a  paper,  because  he  thinks  differently  on 
a  measure  of  government  from  the  editor  ?  It  is  tyranny  ; 
and  the  man  who  can  do  this  without  reason,  or  moderation, 
is  a  tyrant,  and  would  suppress  the  right  of  private  judgment, 
if  he  had  the  power.  I  distinguish  between  stricture  and 
abuse.  All  depends  upon  the  manner  and  the  toleration.  A 
man  is  not  always  a  deserter  from  just  politics,  because  he 
cannot  agree  with  me  in  opinion,  on  a  particular  subject. 
Mutual  toleration  and  forbearance  in  our  sentiments,  with 
regard  to  the  legality,  or  expedience  of  measures,  is  the  soul 
of  democracy.  It  is  that  which  distinguishes  it  from  despot 
ism,  as  polite  manners,  the  fine  gentleman  in  polished  life  ;  in 
civilized  society.  In  a  despotic  country,  it  is  the  boot,  or  the 
thumb  screw,  or  the  cord,  that  brings  a  man  to  reason  ;  at 
least  the  wheel  and  the  pulley  are  used  for  this  purpose. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  11 

What  better  in  a  republic  where  a  man  is  this  day  a  patriot, 
and  the  next  day  a  traitor,  at  the  whim  of  him  who  bestows 
the  appellation  ?  In  the  livid  dens  of  despotism,  state  prisons 
are  the  seminaries  of  submissive  citizens.  In  a  democracy, 
shall  terror  issue  from  lamp-black,  and  patriotism  be  put 
down,  under  the  name  of  opposition  ?  When  a  man  frowns 
upon  me  because  I  have  dissented  from  him  in  opinion,  on  a 
political  matter,  I  discover  clearly  the  grade  of  his  political 
standing,  and  democratic  improvement.  He  is  no  democrat, 
say  I ;  as  another  would  say,  he  is  no  gentleman. 

But  there  is  no  doubt  that  the  great  secret  of  governing 
men,  is  employment — they  must  be  amused — saved  from 
ennui — and  to  this  nothing  contributes  more  than  frequent 
elections,  political  discussions,  and  the  subdivisions  of  govern 
ment,  affording  occupation,  and  creating  interest  in  the  public 
mind. 

But  it  will  be  said,  are  not  your  democrats  all  noisy,  voci 
ferous,  intolerant,  and  of  a  persecuting  spirit  ?  I  say  such 
are  not  democrats ;  they  are  spurious,  and  usurp  the  name. 
In  a  government  founded  on  opinion,  nothing  ought  to  be  a 
reproach,  that  is  the  exercise  of  private  judgment.  It  Is  sub- 
versive  of  the  essence  of  liberty.  A  frown  is  the  shadow  of 
force,  and  he  that  uses  the  one  would  have  recourse  to  the 
other. 

These  observations  allude  to  what  is  practical  in  democra 
cy,  and  cannot  be  established  or  prohibited  by  the  laws  j  but 
constitute  the  manners  which  a  democratic  government  incul 
cates,  and  is  calculated  to  produce  ;  and  it  will  be  observable* 
that  there  is  a  great  deal  of  this  among  the  body  of  the 
people,  who  have  been  accustomed  to  liberty.  It  is  chiefly 
amongst  the  young  in  the  world,  or  young  in  the  country, 
that  the  contrary  spirit  shows  itself.  I  am  amongst  those 
who  carry  my  ideas  in  favour  of  the  naturalization  of  for 
eigners,  perhaps  too  far.  But  I  admit,  that  it  takes  some 
time  to  give  them  correct  ideas  of  the  limits  of  liberty.  It  is» 
I  believe,  a  saying  of  the  Grand  Pensionary,  De  Wit,  of  Hoi- 


12  MODERN    CHIVALRY, 

land,  that  "it  takes  a  man  half  an  age  to  enjoy  liberty,  before 
he  can  know  how  to  use  It."  Nevertheless,  I  cannot  see  the 
inexpediency  of  admitting  to  a  vote  the  emigrant  that  comes 
amongst  us,  the  first  day  he  presents  himself.  He  will  be  in 
structed  by  those  that  have  been  here  before  him,  he  must 
take  his  ticket  from  some  one.  Is  the  ocean  afraid  of  the 
rivers  ?  Even  when  they  come  turbid  with  the  swell  of  the 
mountains?  The  sea  clarifies,  or  they  are  lost  in  it.  Who 
complains  out  at  sea,  of  a  spring  flood  muddying  the  waters? 
This  ought  to  be  a  lesson,  at  the  same  time,  to  emigrants, 
that  they  "  use  their  liberty,  so  as  not  abusing  it."  It  is  a 
strange  thing  to  see  a  man  come  in  the  other  day  undertake 
to  set  all  right  ;  and  to  denounce  men  of  age  and  high  stand 
ing,  as  guilty  of  defection.  But  what  good,  is  there  in  this 
world  without  an  alloy  of  evil?  What  exercise  of  right 
without  abuse?  If  I  am  wrong,  it  is  the  excess  of  liberality. 

I  find  another  principle  in  the  oration  of  Pericles,  in  the 
justness  of  which  I  am  more  confident.  That  is  the  equal 
right  of  office  to  all  the  citizens.  The  light  of  all  is  equal,  but 
the  prize  is  to  the  swift,  not  to  the  slow,  or  the  sluggard.  As 
the  greater  contains  the  less,  this  involves  the  right  of  vote. 
The  only  qualification  of  which  I  can  have  any  idea,  as  justi 
fiable,  is  that  of  age  ;  and  should  have  no  objection  to  see  this 
restricted  to  a  greater  age  than  that  of  21, — say  45  years.  At 
this  time  men  cease  to  be  fit  for  the  militia,  or  other  minis 
terial  services.  Let  them  then  become  legislators ;  and  have 
the  right  to  vote  in  making  taws,  or  choosing  those  that  repre 
sent  in  making  them.  This  would  take  off  a  great  deal  of 
wild  fire  in  our  elections,  and  it  would  keep  away  v&in  young 
men  from  our  public  councils. 

What  absurdity  does  not  the  idea  of  a  qualification  of  pro 
perty  involve  1  It  unhinges  the  ideas  of  the  ancient  republi 
cans  ;  that  it  was  honourable  to  have  enriched  the  republic, 
and  to  remain  poor  themselves.  To  be  wise  a  man  must  be 
rich.  No,  but  to  be  honest,  he  must  have  an  estate.  But  in 
getting  this  estate,  he  may  have  been  dishonest.  In  general, 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  13 

he  must,  in  some  measure,  have  neglected  the  improvement 
of  the  mind.  At  least,  it  does  not  follow,  that  in  proportion 
as  a  man  is  poor,  he  is  not  to  be  trusted.  They  are  frequent 
ly  the  most  generous  souls  who  have  amassed  little  wealth  ; 
on  the  contrary,  the  most  ignoble,  who  have  acquired  great 
property.  The  man  that  has  set  his  heart  on  riches,  is  lost 
to  benevolence,  and  public  spirit.  In  the  possession  of  office, 
he  is  thinking  of  what  can  be  made  by  it.  I  have  no  words 
to  express  my  contempt  of  the  man  whose  very  soul  is  set  on 
money  for  its  own  sake, — who  regards  its  acquisition  as  the 
end,  and  not  as  the  means.  "  Nothing  can  be  great,"  says 
the  critic  Longinus,  or  the  stoic  philosopher  Epictetes,  I  for* 
get  which,  "the  contempt  of  which  is  great.  If  is  great  to  des 
pise  riches.  These  cannot  therefore  be  great." 

But  how  can  we  measure  the  value  of  property,  and  fix  the 
criterion?  Shall  it  be  real  property,  a  freehold?  Is  my 
acre  worth  more  than  yours  ?  Shall  I  have  but  an  equal 
right  ?  What  are  the  drawbacks  upon  my  estate  ?  My  debts 
and  liabilities  ?  It  is  the  surplus  that  makes  my  property,  even 
in  the  case  of  the  substantial  fund  of  freehold.  But  proper 
ty  is  not  the  only  stake.  Person  and  character  are  stakes. 
Every  man  that  has  a  head  or  heart,  has  a  stake.  There  is 
no  proportioning  it.  In  what  is  impracticable  we  can  have 
no  election.  It  is  therefore  an  excellent  principle  of  our 
constitution,  that  all  men  have  an  equal  right  of  suffrage,  and 
an  equal  right  of  office,  with  the  simple  requisites  of  age 
residence,  and  taxation. 

I  should  not  like  to  live  in  a  republic  where  a  man  must 
be  worth  so  much,  to  have  equal  rights ;  even  could  it  be  as 
certained  what  I  am  worth,  which,  as  I  have  said,  is  im 
practicable.  How  many  men  have  I  passed  in  life,  less  in 
dustrious  then  myself,  and  yet  richer.  They  have  had  bet 
ter  luck,  as  we  express  it ;  or  they  have  been  more  selfish, 
and  kept  what  they  got.  Can  a  man  that  is  looking  at  the 
stars,  mind  what  is  under  his  feet  ?  We  read  of  most  of  the 
vol.  4,  2* 


14  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

great  statesmen  of  antiquity,  and  various  heroes  that  they 
were  poor.  It  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  find  it  added,  that 
they  themselves  were  buried,  or  there  children  educated  at 
the  public  expense.  The  love  of  science  ;  and  the  love  of 
the  public,  is  at  variance  with  attention  to  private  emolu 
ment.  Shall  it  then  be  disreputable  in  a  republic  to  be  poor  ? 
Shall  it  operate  as  a  crime  and  disqualify  from  the  noblest 
function  in  society,  the  enacting  laws  ? 

In  countries  where  the  government  is  a  fraud  upon  the 
people — and  the  right  of  suffrage,  where  it  even  partially 
exists,  is  but  a  name,  it  may  be  thought  innocent  to  deceive, 
and  to  slur  our  votes.  In  all  governments,  unless  our  repub 
lic  forms  an  exception,  and  even  in  that  of  Turkey  or  Russia, 
supposed  to  be  pure  despotisms,  there  is  "  a  power  behind 
the  throne  greater  than  the  throne."  Is  not  this  a  fraud  upon 
the  people  ?  I  am  not  sure  that  we  have  been  always  exempt 
from  this  kind  of  fraud.  For  it  is  a  buying  and  selling 
throughout.  The  candidate  buys  the  vote,  and  has  in  the 
mean  time  sold  himself.  He  is  oftentimes  purchased,  and 
paid  in  advance,  and  bribes  with  a  part  of  the  money  that  he 
gets.  Not  so  in  this  heaven  of  liberty,  where  other  stars 
glitter,  where  other  suns  and  moons  arise ;  this  beautiful 
world  of  liberty,  in  these  states.  Perdition  on  the  man  that 
saps  its  foundation  with  intention  ;  forgiveness,  but  reforma 
tion  of  error,  to  him  who  destroys  it  by  mistake.  And  yet 
these  last  are  more  to  be  dreaded  than  the  former.  At  least 
as  much ;  because  the  error  of  opinion  is  equally  fatal, 
though  originating  from  a  different  principle  of  the  mind, 
and  oftentimes  founded  in  virtue. 

"What  man  can  set  the  world  right  ?  The  greatest  self- 
denial  is  obliged  to  yield  sometimes  to  personal  considera 
tions.  Hence  it  is,  that  I  have  often  been  silent  when  I  saw 
fraud,  and  unfairness  before  my  eyes.  Fraud  in  elections,  is 
at  the  root  of  all  wickedness  in  the  government  of  a  repub 
lic  ;  and  what  greater  frauds  than  lies  and  forged  writings 
on  the  eve  of  an  election,  when  too  late  to  expose  them  ?  And 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  16 

yet  this  infamous  practice  is  not  uncommon.  A  man  of  just 
pride  would  scorn  the  meanness  of  succeeding  by  a  trick  ;  a 
man  of  proper  sense  would  know,  that  in  the  nature  of  things, 
no  good  can  come  of  elevation  obtained  by  such  means.  Suc 
cess  by  fraud  will  never  prosper.  All  men  despise  cheating 
at  cards,  or  other  games.  He  is  turned  out  of  company  that 
is  found  guilty  of  it.  And  shall  we  restrain  our  indignation, 
or  can  we  withhold  our  contempt  when  an  individual  is  found 
cheating,  not  at  a  game  of  chance  or  skill  amongst  idle  men, 
but  in  the  serious  business  of  real  life,  and  the  disposition  of 
our  lives,  characters,  and  fortunes?  I  pledge  myself  no 
democrat  is  guilty  of  this  ;  at  least  those  guilty  of  it  are  not 
democrats.  They  are  not  true  brothers  ;  real  masons.  They 
have  been  made  at  a  false  lodge  ;  and  will  not  be  acknowled 
ged.  Thus  it  must  be  seen,  I  found  democracy  in  virtue  ; 
that  is,  in  truth,  honour,  justice,  integrity,  reason,  modera 
tion  :  civility,  but  firmness  and  fortitude  in  the  support  of 
right ;  quarter  to  error  of  opinion,  and  aberrations  of  the 
heart;  but  death  to  ambition,  and  the  vain  desire  of  honour, 
without  just  pretensions;  and  death  to  all  knavery,  and 

meditated  hostility  to  the  rights  of  men. 

Digressing  a  little,  or  rather  returning  to  what  I  have  said 
on  the  first  point,  the  right  of  naturalization,  I  admit  that 
emigrants,  come  when  they  will,  are  likely  to  join  the  party 
hostile  to  existing  institutions.  This  depends  upon  natural 
principles.  The  governments  of  Europe  are  most  of  them 
oppressive,  and  it  is  oppression  that  drives,  in  most  instances, 
the  inhabitant  from  amongst  them.  The  poor,  or  the  most 
enterprising,  are  those  that  emigrate.  Their  feelings  are  apt  to 
be  at  war  with  those  in  better  circumstances,  looking  upon 
them  as  natural  enemies,  and  they  bring  those  feelings  with 
thejn  into  a  country  where  almost  every  man  has  been  the 
maker  of  his  own  fortune.  They  have  been  in  the  habit  Of 
thinking  of  a  reform  in  the  state  of  things  in  that  country 
from  which  they  come ;  it  is  natural  for  them  to  think  that  a 


16  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

little  touch  of  their  hand  may  be  still  necessary  here.  Bid 
you  ever  know  a  new  physician  call  in,  that  would  not  be  dis 
posed  to  alter  the  prescription,  or  add  to  it?  What  occasion 
for  him,  if  there  was  not  something  to  be  added,  or  retrench- 
mentmade?  Or  how  can  he  show  himself,  but  in  changing 
the  medicines,  or  the  regimen  ?  Extremes  beget  extremes  in 
opinions,  as  well  as  in  conduct.  The  extreme  of  government, 
where  he  has  been,  leads  to  licentiousness  in  his  ideas  of  lib 
erty,  now  where  he  is. 

Besides,  it  is  in  this  revolution  of  administration,  if  he  is 
an  ambitious  man,  that  he  finds  his  best  chance  of  ascending. 
He  is,  therefore,  a  demagogue  before  he  becomes  a  patriot.  I 
acquiesce,  therefore,  in  the  policy  of  our  constitution,  and  our 
laws,  which  prescribe  a  kind  of  mental  quarantine  to  the  for 
eigner,  though  I  incline  to  the  generosity  of  those  who  think 
it  unnecessary,  and  that  such  a  great  body  of  people  have 
nothing  to  fear  from  the  annual  influx  of  a  few  characters, 
that  may  for  some  time,  carry  with  them  more  sail  than  bal 
last.  We  had  half  Europe  with  us,  in  our  revolution.  We 
had  all  Ireland,  the  officers  of  government  excepted,  and 
even  some  of  these.  I  therefore  do  not  like  to  see  an  Irish- 
man  obliged  to  perform  a  quarantine  of  the  intellect.  I 
think  it  contributes  to  sour  his  temper  and  to  fix  a  prejudice 
against  the  administration,  under  which  the  limitation  has 
been  introduced.*  However,  this  may  be  more  splendid  in 
theory  than  safe  in  experience,  and  I  submit  to  the  policy 
that  has  been  adopted  until  the  constituted  authorities  shall 
think  proper  to  regulate  it  otherwise.  In  the  mean  time,  if 
this  book  should  be  read  by  any  foreigner  of  high  parts  and 
spirit,  I  would  recommend  it  to  him  to  suspend  his  judgment 
upon  men  and  things,  until  he  has  examined  well  the  ground 


*  There  is  one  unfortunate  circumstance  with  the  Irish  Catholic  in  respect  of 
our  democratic  institutions.  He  is  attached  to  a  foreign  hierarchy,  possessing 
great  temporal  influence,  whose  clergy  look  to  their  church  as  their  country 
and  their  spiritual  head,  or  their  chief  in  all  things.  This  objection  would  not 
exist  if  they  were  independent,  and  had  a  Bishop  or  head  resident  in  America, 
free  from  all  foreign  control ;  and  if  those  Bishops  were  elected  by  the  mem  - 
bers  of  the  church  throughout  this  republic. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  17 

upon  which  he  stands  ;  to  repress  ambition  and  the  desire  of 
office,  until  unsought,  it'comes  to  him,  during  which  time,  he 
may  have  become  qualified  to  discharge  it ;  and  will  have 
had  an  opportunity  of  finding  oct  what  he  will  finally  dis 
cover,  tJiatthe  lest  men  are  the  most  moderate. 

Intemperance  of  mind  or  manner,  in  a  foreigner,  gives  co 
lour  to  the  imputation  that  all  are  incendiaries.  It  becomes, 
therefore,  a  matter  of  discretion  and  just  prudence  on  his 
part,  to  be  cautious  in  coming  forward  to  take  a  lead  in  poli. 
tics,  until  he  has  well  examined  the  field  of  controversy 
But  because  foreigners  may  abuse  the  privilege,  I  would  not 
exclude  them  by  a  law,  did  the  matter  rest  on  first  principles. 
I  should  think  myself  justifiable  in  excluding  from  my  socie 
ty,  and  the  government  I  had  formed,  the  inhabitants  of 
another  planet,  could  they  come  from  thence ;  because  I  do 
not  know  the  kind  of  nature  they  are  of;  but  men  of  this 
earth,  of  similar  forms  and  of  like  passions  with  ourselves, 
what  have  I  to  fear  from  them  ?  What  right  have  we  to  ex 
clude  them?  We  are  not  born  for  ourselves  ;  nor  did  we 
achieve  the  revolution  for  ourselves  only.  We  fought  the 
cause  of  all  mankind,  and  the  good  and  great  of  all  mankind 
wiehed  well  to  us  in  the  contest.  With  what  anxiety  did  we 
look  to  Europe  for  assistance.  We  derived  assistance  even 
from  the  good  will  of  nations. — It  is  an  advantage  to  have  a 
popular  cause  in  a  war.  Have  we  a  right  to  shut  ourselves  up 
in  our  shell,  and  call  the  society  we  have  formed  our  own  ex 
clusively  ?  Suppose  we  had  a  right  to  the  government  ex 
clusively,  have  we  a  right  to  the  soil  ?  Have  we  an  exclusive 
right,  as  citizens  of  the  world,  to  the  vast  unappropriated  ex 
panse  of  land,  called  government  property?  It  is  ours,  it  is 
true,  and  subject  to  our  management,  but  should  also  be  open 
to  all  our  fellow-men,  who  have  no  land,  and  should  be  placed 
as  early  as  possible  within  their  reach,  so  that  they  obtain  it 
on  the  most  reasonable  terms,  by  grants  or  purchases.  The 
emigrant  ought  not  to  be  excluded,  as  the  roving  hunter  at- 


18  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

tempted  to  exclude  us  from  what  we  now  occupy.  At  the 
same  time  I  am  no  lawless  agrarian,  to  take  the  fruit  of  his 
industry  from  one,  to  give  it  perhaps,  to  the  thoughtless  and 
worthless.  This  would  be  theft  and  robbery,  and  would  be 
held  in  light  estimation,  like  other  things  so  acquired. 


CHAPTER     II. 

The  party  approaches  the  back  settlement— Harum   Scarum 
is  sent  with  a  talk.     The  new  settler* 

They  now  began  to  approach  the  farthest  settlement.  This 
bordering  on  the  Indian  country,  the  inhabitants  were  pre 
sumed  to  be  half  savages,  at  least  in  the  half  savage  state. 
It  was  thought  proper,  therefore,  to  approach  them  with  a 
talk.  Accordingly  Harum  Scarum  was  chosen  for  that 
purpose  ;  and  taking  a  saddle  girth  for  a  belt  of  wampum 
he  set  out  for  the  frontier. 

Passing  through  a  wood,  he  heard  the  scream  of  a  panther, 
and  advancing,  saw  it  on  a  tree.  Taking  this  for  a  back 
woodsman,  or  half  Indian,  he  accosted  him  in  the  vernacular 
idiom  of  a  savage,  which  he  had  learned,  from  the  Indian 
treaties  in  the  newspapers.  "Brother,"  said  he,  "do  you 
want  whiskey  ?  We  have  a  little  in  our  keg  at  the  camp.  We 
have  come  here  to  bury  the  hatchet.  It  is  two  moons  since 
we  have  been  traveling.  Our  squaws  are  all  at  home  with 
their  papooses.  Have  you  got  a  little  killicaneeque,  that 
we  may  smoke  the  calumet  of  peace ;  brighten  up  the 
chain  of  friendship,  and  sit  round  our  council  fires  ? 
Our  young  men  are  behind  with  their  tomahawks.  But  the 
great  spirit  has  taken  the  flints  from  their  guns  and 
they  come  to  shake  hands,  and  set  their  traps  on  these 
waters." 

At  that  instant  a  settler  on  the  other  side  of  the  wood,  shot 
the  panther,  which  Harum  Scarum  observing,  ran  into  help 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  19 

off  with  the  hide,  and  became  acquainted  with  the  marks 
man.  This  was  an  introduction,  and  no  farther  was  necessary. 
He  took  the  skinning  to  be  scalping,  and  that  it  was  one 
savage  that  had  shot  another,  and  as  is  the  way  of  the 
world,  he  determined  to  take  part  with  the  conqueror.  As 
sisting  to  flay  the  beast  that  was  lately  his  brother,  he 
learned  the  news  of  the  county  town,  of  the  new  settlement, 
and  gave  account  of  the  Captain,  and  his  new  comers,  and 
brought  the  huntsman  along,  to  taste  their  whiskey,  and  con 
duct  them  to  the  village. 

It  may  seem  strange  that  we  hear  nothing  of  Martin,  the 
Latin  school-master,  all  this  time  ;  but  the  fact  is,  that  com 
ing  through  the  lack-learning  settlement,  they  had  gagged 
him,  to  keep  him  from  speaking  Greek,  and  his  mouth  was 
sore  for  a  long  time  after,  so  that  he  could  not  even  speak 
Latin ;  but  as  soon  as  he  got  into  the  village,  he  began  to 
ejaculate. 

In  nova  fert  animus,  mutatas  dicere  formas — 
Italiam  fato  profugus  Lavinaque  venit — 
Nos  patriam  fugimus  :  Tu  Tityre  lentus  in  umbra- 
There  were  several  Indian  traders  in  the  town,  who  under 
stood  Delaware,  Shawnee,  Munsy,  and  Mingo,  but  they  took 
this  for  Chippewaw,  or  as  they   pronounce  it,  Jibway,   but 
having  no  knowledge   of  Latin,  gave   him,  however,   some 
boiled  corn  with  bears  oil  in  it,  and  threw  him  a  skin  to  lie 
down  upon. — Closing  his  mouth,  with 
"  Odi  profanum  vulgus,  et  arceo." 
He  fell  asleep. 

The  first  thing  a  settler  does,  when  he  goes  to  the  new 
country,  is  to  look  out  for  a  spring.  Hard  by,  he  builds  a 
cabin,  of  the  stocks  of  trees,  laid  at  right  angles,  and  form 
ing  a  square  or  parallelogram.  A  stone  serves  for  a  back- 
wall,,  and  an  aperture  over  it  to  give  vent  to  the  smoke. 

The  settler  brings  with  him  few  implements  of  husbandry, 
because  he  is  poor,  and  has  them  not  to  bring  ;  or  the  car 
riage  is  not  in  his  power,  from  the  want  of  draught  cattle.  An 


20  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

axe,  a  mattock,  a  corn-hoe  without  a  handle,  perhaps  plough 
irons,  an  auger,  and  a  saw. 

His  household  furniture  is  a  pot,  a  frying-pan,  a  kettle,  and 
Sometimes  a  gridiron.  A  few  blankets,  and  a  bed-tick  to 
fill  with  oak  leaves,  is  a  luxury. 

A  cow  to  give  milk,  is  almost  indispensable  ;  and  the  rifle, 
with  a  little  ammunition  sparingly  used,  supplies  flesh  for 
the  family.  He  must  occasionally  take  a  turn  to  the  settle 
ment  to  get  a  bag  of  flour,  and  a  quart  or  two  of  salt. 

His  horses,  if  he  has  any,  range  in  the  woods  ;  and  a  good 
deal  of  time  is  spent  in  looking  them  up,  when  wanted  for 
service. 

A  breeding  sow  is  an  admirable  acquisition,  big  with  pigs. 
— If  he  can  bring  one  with  him,  which  is  most  generally  ac 
complished,  he  has  soon  a  herd  of  them,  living  on  the  wild 
pea  vine,  that  supercedes  the  casual  supply  of  hunting,  and 
covers  the  sides  of  the  chimney  with  hams,  just  at  hand  to 
cut  off  and  broil. 

It  is  of  great  advantage  to  the  settler  to  be  able  to  handle 
a  tool,  and  to  lay  a  stone.  It  would  be  advisable,  therefore 
in  a  father  who  means  to  i?er>d  out  his  son,  when  grown  up, 
to  the  new  country,  to  put  him  some  time  to  a  carpenter,  and 
to  a  stone  mason.  His  own  smifchery  he  cannot  well  do,  as 
an  anvil,  a  pair  of  bellows,  &c.  are  heavy  to  be  carried ;  but 
the  greatest  drawback  is,  that  he  cannot  resist  the  solicita 
tions  of  his  neighbours  to  assist  them  occasionally,  and  this 
takes  him  from  the  main  branch  of  his  improvement  and  cul 
tivation. 

The  settlement  is  usually  begun  in  this  manner,  and  carri 
ed  on  by  poor,  honest,  and  industrious  people.  The  town 
on  the  other  hand,  at  the  commencement,  is  usually  a  nest  of 
adventurers,  that  have  more  wit  than  money,  and  more  ex 
perience  than  industry. 

A  tavern-keeper  or  publican,  that  passes  for  a  republican, 
to  eet  custom;  a  horse  jockey,  a  store-keeper,  and  a  young 
lawyer,  are  the  first  that  you  find  domiciliated  in  this  metro 
polis. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  21 

The  young  lawyer,  that  had  got  to  this  place,  was  half 
starved,  either  because  there  was  no  other  to  help  him  to 
breed  suits  ;  or,  which  is  most  probable,  because  the  state 
of  society  had  not  yet  so  emproved,  as  to  draw  with  it 
the  inevitable  consequence  of  valuable,  and  individual  pro 
perty,  litigation,  and  law  suits.  The  small  controversies 
that  had  yet  arisen,  were  determined  by  arbitration.  These 
related  chiefly  to  occupancy,  and  the  rights  of  settlement;  or 
contracts,  as  simple  as  the  subjects  of  them,  and  involving 
no  intricacy,  But  the  inhabitants,  either  from  the  love  of 
novelty,  or  finding  the  system  of  arbitration  inadequate  to 
the  administration  of  justice,  began  to  wish  to  have  fixed 
principles  and  permanent  tribunals,  to  govern  and  guard  life, 
reputation,  and  property. 

Not  many"  months  after  the  Captain  had  fixed  himself  in 
this  almost  wilderness  of  the  far  west,  and  began  to  exercise 
that  kind  of  authority,  which  is  instinctively  yielded  to  su 
perior  intellect  and  character,  and  which  is  necessary  in 
every  state  of  society,  there  were  meetings  on  this  subject, 
and  it  was  proposed  to  have  a  code  of  laws,  a  court  and  ad 
vocates,  as  in  other  settlements. 

Is  it  possible,  said  the  Captain,  being  in  the  habit  of 
speaking  his  mind  freely.  In  the  mid-land  settlements,  they 
are  going  to  burn  the  lawyers,  as  they  did  the  witches  in 
New  England;  and  as  to  judges,  it  is  as  much  as  a  man's 
life  is  worth  to  resemble  one  ;  either*  in  the  brogue  of  his 
tongue,  or  the  cut  of  his  jib,  I  mean  his  hat !  or  coat  that  he 
wears;  such  is  the  odium  under  which  that  profession,  or 
corps  of  men  labour.  Arbitration  is  in  every  body's  mouth, 
and  down  with  the  courts.  A  lawyer  indeed !  Raising  the 
devil  was  in  vogue  in  the  middle  ages  of  the  church ;  but 
has  been  laid  aside  in  Christendom,  since  black  coats  became 
scarce,  as  without  them  there  is  a  difficulty  in  laying  him  ; 
but  what  can  a  lawyer,  when  he  ie  once  up  ?  The  hurricane 
which  carries  away  the  haystack,  is  nothing  to  the  breath  of 


It  was  usual  for  a  Judge  to  wear  a  cocked  hat. 

vol.  4,  3 


22  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

his  mouth,  that  bears  away  people's  property,  by  the  feas 
which  he  exacts. 

It  was  thus  that  Samuel  laboured,  and  with  similar  suc 
cess,  to  dissuade  the  people  of  Jewry,  not  from  a  jury  trial, 
but  from  monarchy,  in  the  days  when  they  wished  the  king* 
to  succeed  judges.  And  the  fact  is,  that  tyranny  gets  her 
best  foothold  on  the  backs  of  courts  of  law,  and  judges. 
After  the  book  of  Judges,  comes  the  book  of  Kings.  But 
those  judges  had  ceased  to  let  the  people  "  every  man  do 
what  was  right  in  his  own  eyes,"  and  therefore  they  wished 
for  monarchs  and  despots  to  make  serfs  of  them,  without 
knowing  what  they  did,  and  the  Lord  have  mercy  on  all  such 
misguided  republicans,  And  yet,  a  more  perfect  acquaint 
ance  with  facts,  might  furnish  some  excuse  for  the  impa 
tience  of  the  Jews  under  their  judges,  who  were  in  fact,  the 
priests,  constituting  a  hierarchy.  The  despotism  of  the  one, 
or  of  the  many,  is  not  the  only  kind  of  tyrany,  that  may  ex 
ist.  Of  all  tyrannies,  that  of  a  priest-hood  is  the  most  in 
tolerable.  It  is  a  tyranny  over  the  mind  and  over  the 
thoughts,  as  well  as  over  the  body  and  actions.  The  blue 
laws  of  Conneticut  afford  an  example  even  under  the  demo 
cratic  puritans.  Thus  the  Jews  may  have  sought  relief  in 
despotism  from  oppressions  of  the  priests,  as  the  Frtnch 
did  from  the  anarchy  of  the  raob. 

But  the  people  of  the  settlement  before  us,  had  an  idea 
that  courts  of  justice  were  the  best  preservatives  of  a  repub 
lic  ;  and  barriers  against  monarchy,  and  despotism.  They 
had  got  a  maxim  in  their  heads,  pronounced  by  the  Latin 
schoolmaster  when  he  rose  out  of  his  sleep. 

Misera  est  servitus,  ubi  Jus  vagum,  et  incognitum, 

It  is  the  worst  slavery  where  the  law  is  unknown,  or  un 
certain,  which  words  in  English  he  gave  for  their  use.  And 
they  had  found  arbitration  to  decide  like  the  oscillation  of  a 
pendulum,  and  all  began  to  call  out  for  something  more  stable. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  23 

CHAPTER   III. 

Containing  a  short  disquisition  on  the  uncertainty  of  the  law. 

W  hence  does  the  uncertainty  of  law  arise  ?  Let  us  trace 
it.  There  is  the  letter  of  the  law.  Littera  scripta  manet ; 
"  what  is  written  lasts."  But  there  is  the  spirit,  that  is  the 
construction  of  laws.  This  depends  upon  the  mind  of  the 
construer ;  and  two  men  may  not  in  some  cases  construe 
alike. 

There  is  again  the  application  of  the  rule  to  the  case  ;  and 
it  is  the  mind  that  must  apply.  The  history  of  these  con 
structions  and  applications  are  found  in  what  are  called  re 
ports.  But  this  history,  like  other  histories,  is  not  always 
the  truth.  No  two  judges  or  two  lawyers  will  agree  precise 
ly  in  their  statements  of  the  same  decision.  Some  particu 
lars,  omitted  or  added,  makes  the  difference.  Yet  these  were 
helps  to  establish  the  decision. 

What  is  it  that  can  correct  the  construction  or  the  applica 
tion  as  it  was  originally  made,  or  as  it  appears  in  the  report  ? 
— Reason.  It  was  this  at  first  made  the  construction  or  the 
application.  Hence  the  maxim,  "  that  nothing  which  is 
against  reason  can  be  law." 

When  the  usage  and  custom  which  makes  unwritten  law, 
like  the  laws  of  a  game  at  school,  are  in  the  memory  pf  men, 
and  the  application  of  the  case,  depecds  upon  two  minds,  it 
is  morally,  but  not  physically  certain,  that  the  application 
will  be  the  same.  But  in  all  these  cases  both  of  usage  and 
custom,  or  of  written  law,  there  is  a  higher  degree  of  cer 
tainty  than  where  there  are  no  positive  institutions,  or  rules  at 
all.  Which  is  most  likely  to  establish  certainty  in  the  trans 
mission  of  usage  and  custom,  or  construction  of  statutes 

the  occasional  application  of  the  law,  by  arbitrators,  who 
have  little  knowledge  of  positive  institutions,  or  tribunals  in 
which  records  of  legal  proceedings  are  preserved,  and  men 
are  employed  who  have  devoted  their  lives  to  the  study,  and 


24  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

to  the   perfect  knowledge  of  which   they   do  not   find  a  life 
sufficient? 

Visionary  men,  like  Rousseau  and  Godwin,  have  seldom 
more  in  view  than  to  support  paradoxes.  The  ability  is  shown 
by  the  novelty  or  extravagance  of  the  proposition.  Godwin, 
in  his  Political  Justice,  with  great  brilliancy,  supports  the 
idea  of  deciding  every  case  on  its  own  peculiar  circumstan 
ces,  according  to  the  notfons  of  equity  which  lie  in  the  breast 
of  the  judge.  This  is  what  is  done  in  Constantinople.  But 
it  is  to  avoid  this  that  laws  are  enacted,  and  means  used  to 
procure  uniformity  of  construction  and  application  in  a  free 
country.  The  object  is  to  produce  certainty — but  that  cer 
tainty  is  not  universally  attainable,  without  exception,  for 
this  reason,  that  man  and  his  works  are  imperfect,  and  there 
fore  uncertain.  All  that  can  be  expected  is,  that  in  ninety 
cases  out  of  a  hundred,  there  is  by  that  means  a  nearer  ap 
proach  than  if  matters  were  left  to  take  their  chance,  or  de 
pend  on  the  arbitrary  will  of  the  judge,  where  this  propor 
tion  would  be  reversed.  The  more  that  arbitrary  will  is  re 
stricted,  the  freer  the  country. 

The  imperfection  of  human  judgment  produces  uncertain 
ty.  This  must  be  greater  in  proportion  as  there  is  no  buoy 
to  steer  by;  but  a  greater  difficulty  arises  in  the  administra 
tion  of  the  laws,  to  guard  the  consciences  of  men.  Which 
is  mosfe  likely  to  secure  this  ?  Tribunals  open  ;  and  it  is  a 
principle  of  our  law,  that  the  courts  shall  be  open  ;  and  shall 
be  held  at  known  times  and  places.  Can  arbitrations  have 
this  requisite?  It  is  a  principle  of  jury  trial,  that  the  ju 
rors  who  are  to  try  a  particular  cause,  cannot  be  known  un 
til  they  go  upon  it ;  and  after  hearing  they  are  to  be  kept  to 
gether  without  speaking  to  any  one  until  they  are  agreed. 
There  is  not  that  opportunity  for  labouring  a  jury  that  arbi 
tration  presents. 

At  the  same  time  I  am  not  one  of  those  who  frown  upon 
arbitrations;  or  think  those  unworthy  citizens  who  meditate 
or  inculcate  the  idea  of  what  has  been  called  an  adjustmert 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  25 

bill.  I  profess  myself  a  reformist  ;  and  with  regard  to 
others  who  attempt  reforms,  I  am  not  ready  to  cry  out, "  they 
that  have  turned  the  world  upside  down  have  come  hither 
also."  I  have  been  for  letting  the  experiment  be  made.  I 
know  the  consequence  that  it  will  soon  be  laid  aside.  Per 
haps  something  might  be  retained  of  it  that  may  be  found 
wise*  But  the  difficulty  of  getting  men  together,  that  act 
not  immediately  under  a  compulsory  process,  and  thus  keep* 
ing  them  from  being  tampered  with  ;  independent  of  arbi- 
tray  notions  of  right  or  wrong,  and  unassisted  reasonings, 
will  be  found  to  be  such,  that  men,  who,  in  the  sincerity  and 
benevolence  of  patriotism,  have  called  for  the  system  in  the 
extent  contemplated,  will  be  the  first  to  recede,  and  acknow 
ledge  that  there  is  a  difference  between  what  is  rational  or 
even  justice,  in  theory,  and  what  is  wisely  practical  among 
men. 

No  one  can  have  a  greater  contempt  of  pedantry  and  oppo 
sition  to  reform  in  principle  or  practice  than  I  have.  A  pro 
fessional  man  thinks  himself  learned,  because  he  is  technical 
and  knows  the  terms  of  his  art,  as  a  workman  his  tools ;  but 
has  become  shackled  in  forms,  and  a  slave  to  precedents,  and 
has  no  horizon  or  original  thought  and  comprehension.  He 
cannot  recur  to  the  correctness,  reason,  or  to  experiment,  the 
source  of  improvement  amongst  men. 

At  this  particular  time  there  is  a  fermentation  of  the 
public  mind  with  regard  to  the  administration  of  justice.  I 
have  no  fear  for  liberty,  provided  the  form  of  government  is 
left  untouched ;  for  a  generous  constitution  will  soon  give 
warning  of  the  malady,  ard  on  an  error  in  reform  a  fever 
will  ensue,  and  demand  to  be  expelled.  The  wounding"  or 
destroying  a  principle  of  the  constitution  affects  liberty,  as 
taking  away  the  trial  by  jury  in  the  courts  of  law  ;  or  pla 
cing  the  tenure  of  a  judicial  commission  on  other  grounds 
than  on  what  the  constitution  has  placed  it  ;  and  the  like 
vital  parts  of  the  system. 

To  reform  with  safety  requires  a  perfect  knowledge  of  the 
Vol.  4.  3* 


26  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

subject  of  the  reform.  To  reform  the  law,  either  in  its  prin 
ciples  or  administration,  requires  a  lawyer  ;  a  scientific  and 
philosophical  lawyer  :  not  a  pedant,  even  though  on  the 
bench  of  justice.  Natural  narrowness  of  mind,  or  technical 
contraction,  unfits  for  this.  But  an  unreasonable  jealousy  of 
professional  men  is  to  be  avoided.  There  is  such  a  thing  as 
patriotism  on  the  bench,  and  on  the  bench  what  interest  can 
there  be  but  to  lessen  service  ?  Interest,  therefore,  here,  is  not 
in  the  way  of  extending  settlement  by  arbitration,  so  far  as 
it  may  be  practicable,  and  consistent  with  the  preservation 
of  the  democracy.  For  be  assured  that  the  recoil  of  a  mea 
sure  hurts  the  authors  more  than  those  against  whom  the  or 
dinance  may  have  been  directed. 

But  difference  of  opinion  produces  ill  will.  A  man  an** 
wife  will  separate  on  a  disagreement  which  has  taken  place 
about  fixing  a  hen-coop,  or  laying  out  a  bed  of  parsley. 
Christians  have  burnt  each  other,  because  the  one  would  say 
off  and  the  other  from  ;  and  what  man  of  sense  doubts  but 
the  burner  and  the  burned  were  equally  good  men  ?  The 
creeds,  confessions  and  commentaries  of  the  one  were  just  as 
orthodox  as  the  other,  but  not  precisely  the  same  :  and  the 
nearer  they  came  together  the  more  wrath.  This  ought  to 
teach  in  politics,  at  least,  concession  and  forbearance. 

If  objects  of  sense  mock  the  senses  and  deceive  vision, 
how  much  more  things  in  the  political  or  moral  world,  which 
we  cannot  comprehend  but  by  reasoning?  What  a  farce  it 
was  in  the  year  1779,  in  America,  to  see  committees  formed 
from  the  one  end  of  the  continent  to  the  other,  instituting 
regulations  of  the  prices  of  commodities  at  a  standing  value, 
when  the  medium  of  circulation  continued  to  depreciate. 
These  subjects  must  regulate  themseKes,  by  the  laws  of  trade, 
The  thing  was  absurd ;  yet  I  recollect  Thomas  Paine,  an  un 
common,  but  uninformed  man,  was  a  secretary  to  a  commit 
tee,  and  an  enthusiast  in  the  project.  The  committee  regula 
ted  "  that  a  measure  of  fine  flour  should  be  sold  for  a 
shekel,  and  two  measures  of  barley  for  a  shekel,  in  the  gate 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  27 

of  Samaria ;"  bat  neither  barley  nor  flour  were  brought  to 
market,  and  as  there  was  "  no  reasoning  with  the  belly,"  the 
space  of  ten  days  undeceived  the  projectors. 

The  chemist  tells  us  of  substances  that  decompose,  which 
is  a  process  in  order  to  the  composition  of  other  bodies  ;  but 
that  it  depends  upon  a  knowledge  of  the  properties  and  quan 
tity,  whether  the  ingredients  constitute  a  poison  or  a  medicine. 
So  may  it  be  said  of  the  spirit  of  reform. 

The  practice  of  the  courts  in  Pennsylvania,  is  rendered 
simple  to  what  it  is  in  England,  and  could  be  still  improved, 
as  it  would  seem  to  me,  either  by  the  law  of  practice,  which 
ihe  courts  themselves  have  the  power  of  making,  or  with  the 
aid  of  the  legislature.  There  are  three  things  in  which  there 
is  need  of  improvement,  and  in  which  we  should  still  try  to 
improve;  first,  in  the  speedy  administration  of  justice- 
second,  in  its  greater  simplification, 'and  thirdly,  in  lessening 
its  expense.  But  it  is  only  a  scientific  man  that  understands 
the  system,  as  a  farmer  knows  his  grounds,  who  can  easily 
and  with  safety  complete  the  reformation.  The  law  itself  is 
much  improved  in  Pennsylvania,  both  criminal  and  civil, 
and  I  am  not  sensible  of  much  wanting,  but  in  the  organiza 
tion  of  the  tribunals  for  its  administration.  Now  it  will  not 
do  to  make  a  law  that  there  shall  be  no  litigation  ;  or  that 
every  man  shall  know  the  law ;  for  such  a  law  cannot  be  car 
ried  into  effect.  I  doubt,  then,  whether  it  will  be  found 
satisfactory  to  provide  "  that  every  man  shall  be  his  own 
lawyer,"  and  his  neighbour's  judge  in  the  capacity  of  arbi 
trator. 

I  own  that  those  who  best  know  how  to  make  the  reform, 
are  not  the  most  zealous  for  it,  and  hence  it  is  often  attempt 
ed  by  the  incompetent. 

The  excellence  of  jury  trial  is  sanctioned  by  immemorial 
usage  ;  and  is  secured  to  a  certain  extent  by  the  constitution. 
What  is  that  extent  ?  "  Trial  by  jury  shall  be  as  heretofore." 
This  mode  of  trial  has  its  laws.  Does  the  constitution  mean 
that  the  laws  of  this  trial  shall  be  as  heretofore  ?  or  does  it 


28  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

mean  any  thing  more  ?  It  may  mean  that  it  shall  be  the 
mode  of  trial  in  the  same  tribunals  as  heretofore  ;  that  is  the 
courts  of  justice.  Does  it  mean  to  bar  extending  the  juris 
diction  of  the  justice  of  the  peace  ?  This  is  a  question. 

I  admit  that  screwing  up  the  construction  of  the  constitu 
tion  too  tight,  the  public  mind  will  revolt  against  it.  Driven 
to  a  contention,  much  that  is  valuable  in  the  constitution 
might  be  lost  in  that  torrent  which  an  overstrained  construc 
tion  had  produced,  like  waters  in  a  dam  without  a  flood-gate. 
The  discretion  of  the  legislative  body  must  not  be  too  much 
disputed.  It  produces  the  very  effect,  in  some  way  or  other, 
which  the  over-cautious  apprehend.  While  the  great  boun 
daries  of  the  constitution  are  unbroken,  I  do  not  fear  much 
from  those  laws  which  regulate  the  police  of  justice,  and 
may  be  enacted,  and  continued  as  the  experiment  may  seem 
to  justify.  But  I  wish  to  see  the  democracy  move  in  the 
groove  of  the  constitution ;  like  one  of  the  heavenly  bodies 
with  but  slight  disturbing  influences,  or  variations  in  its 
orbit,  and  thus  bidding  fair  for  perpetuity.  For  this  reason, 
I  am  afraid  even  of  experiment,  in  a  case  where  there  is 
doubt,  and  which  is  of  great  moment  or  delicacy. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

T  he  story  turns  back  to  O'JRegan,  and  gives  some  account  of 
his  judicial  career.  The*court  is  broken  up,  and  Teague  sets 
off  to  join  the  Captain. 

It  is  full  time  we  return  a  little,  and  see  what  became  of 
O'Regan,  whom  we  left  in  the  capacity  of  Judge.  This  will 
best  appear  from  a  report  of  a  case  tried  before  him:  and 
which  has  been  kindly  furnished  us  by  lawyer  Tarapin,  who 
was  counsel  in  the  cause. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  29 

EEPORT.-  Slouch  vs.   Crouch. 

This  was  an  action  of  assault  and  battery,  with  two  counts; 
the  first  for  assault  and  battery  ;  the  second  for  an  assault. — 
The  case  as  it  came  out  upon  the  evidence,  was  as  follows. 

Upon  some  ill  words  given  by  Crouch,  as  villain,  rasccl, 
scoundrel,  &c.— Grouch  made  a  blow  at  him  with  a  cudgel. 
Crouch,  crcuching,  as  the  name  imports,  let  the  blow  slip 
over  him,  which  lighting  upon  Slouch,  broke  his  head.  Upon 
this  Slouch  had  brought  his  suit  against  Crouch. 

Lawyer  Tarapin  moved  for  a  nonsuit,  on  the  ground  that 
the  action  ought  to  have  been  against  Grouch,  whose  stick, 
though  intended  against  Crouch,  yet  trespassed,  and  hit 
upon  Slouch. 

Lawyer  Heberden,  for  the  Plaintiff,  thought  the  action  was 
properly  brought,  and  that  Crouch,  who  gave  the  ill  words 
that  occasioned  the  outrage,  was  responsible  for  all  the  con 
sequences  ;  that  he  had  no  right  to  take  his  head  out  of  the 
way  ;  but  that  it  ought  to  have  remained  at  its  post,  which 
had  it  been  the  case,  no  blow  could  have  fallen  upon  Slouch- 
With  the  names,  with  terminations  of  a  like  sound,  and  the 
intricacy  of  the  case,  the  judge  was  puzzled,  and  getting  in  a 
passion,  snatched  a  staff  from  a  constable,  and  fell  upon  the 
suitors.  "By  me  sowl,"  said  he,  "  1  will  be  after  bating  de 
whole  c'd  you  togeder.  A  parcel  of  spalpeens  and  bog-trot 
ters  to  be  coming  here  bodering  me  wid  your  quarrels,  and 
your  explanations;  better  fight  it  out  like  men  of  honour  wid 
a  shelelah,  and  not  come  here  to  trouble  de  court  wid  it." 

He  had  broke  the  heads  of  several,  and  was  laying  about 
him  with  the  constables'  staff,  the  clerk  not  being  able  to 
interfere  because  he  was  blind,  and  the  citizens  not  being 
willing,  because  they  were  afraid  ;  saying  the  culprits  were 
in  the  hands  of  the  judge,  and  it  did  not  behove  them  to  take 
the  law  into  their  hands,  and  resist  the  execution. 

However,  the  result  was  that  the  proceeding  broke  up  the 
court,  and  the  blind  lawyer,  fidler  and  bog-trotter  had  to  leave 
the  country. 


30  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

The  bog-trotter  followed  the  Captain,  and  the  blind  lawyer 
and  fiddler  followed  him,  to  the  new  settlement. 

It  was  just  at  this  time  they  came  in,  when  the  people 
were  in  commotion  about  the  courts  of  justice.  It  was  op 
portune,  and  occasioned  them  all  to  be  provided  for  by  the  in 
fluence  of  the  Captain.  Things  were  reversed  in  some  mea 
sure,  from  what  they  were  in  the  country  belew ;  for  the 
blind  lawyer  was  made  the  judge  ;  the  fiddler  the  crier  of  the 
court,  and  the  bog-trotter  a  constable,  Tony  Burn,  the  piper 
who  had  followed  the  party  from  the  last  settlement,  there 
being  no  bell  or  drum  in  the  new  town,  opened  the  court  with 
the  bagpipes.  There  was  nothing  now  wanting  but  a  lawyer, 
and  that  was  not  wanting  long. 


CHAPTER  V. 

There  was  a  talk  of  setting  up  a  printer.  Teague  meets  with  an 
accident,  which  suggests  an  original  criticism  on  Milton. 
There  was  a  talk  in  this  town  of  having  a  printer,  and 
newspapers,  one  of  the  first  things  thought  of  in  the  new 
settlement,  to  be  like  the  old.  Some  thought  there  were  typo 
graphical  errors  enough  in  the  world.  However,  the  people 
were  disposed  to  multiply  them,  and  accordingly  a  printer 
vas  encouraged.  He  set  up  a  paper  which  he  called  the 
"Twilight."  For,  as  there  was  a  "  Dawn"  in  the  east,  it 
seemed  reasonable  there  should  be  a  "  Twilight"  in  the  west. 
The  Evening  Star,  and  the  Western  Star  have  been  names  of 
Gazettes  ;  but  Twilight,  for  any  thing  we  have  heard  would 
seem  to  be  original.  The  dawn, 

"That  sweet  hour  of  prime," 

In  the  language  of  Milton — one  of  his  most  beautiful  paint 
ings  is  that  in  which  he  speaks  of  it  as  introducing  the  sun 

Jocund  to  ran 

His  longitude  through  Heaven's  high  road  ;  the  gray 
Dawn,  and  the  pleiades  before  him  danc'd, 
Shedding  sweet  influence 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  31 

The  "Dawn"  is  a  modest  appellation  fora  paper,  bespeak 
ing  the  beginning  of  light.  The  "  Twilight"  not  less  so, 
meaning  that  small  degree  of  it  which  remains  after  the  sun 
is  set. — The  device  was  an  owl,  a  cat  and  a  bat  ;  the  owl  an 
emblem  of  wisdom,  the  cat  of  vigilance,  the  bat  of  imparti 
ality,  being  of  equivocal  formation,  and  doubtful  whether 
bird  or  beast.  At  the  same  time  these  animals  are  all  of  the 
"  Twilight,"  and  therefore  appropriate. 

The  motto  by  the  Latin  schoolmaster, 
Si  quid  superesset  agendum.  \ 

Clonmel  the  ballad  singer,  furnished  a  few  verses  to  intro 
duce  the  publication.  The  composition  was  none  of  the  best ; 
but  it  was  suited  to  the  occasion. 

The  dawn  and  the  twilight,  have  both  but  small  skylight  ; 

Yet  pleasant  are  both  in  their  prime, 
For  think  of  the  noon  and  the  hot  burning  sun, 

O,  this  is  a  far  better  time. 

Hence  name  we  the  paper,  and  light  up  a  taper 

To  lighten  the  clouds  of  the  west. 
If  not  the  best  skill,  yet  have  the  best  will, 

To  make  this  our  paper  the  best. 

We  want  a  little  money  to  begin  with,  dear  honey, 

So  bring  it  and  take  you  the  news, 
Have  a  little  heart,  nor  be  sorry  to  part, 

With  a  trifle  like  misers  and  Jews. 

We  shall  tell  how  the  Spaniards  dress  hides  in  their  tanyards 

Or  curry  their  leather  in  France. 
And  when  that  we  come  to  things  nearer  home. 

You  shall  hear  of  these  just  at  once. 

Who's  married  ;  who's  broken  ;  who  is  shot,  or  choken, 

By  himself,  or  the  hand  of  the  law. 
What  dress  is  on  foot,  who  has  got  a  new  clout, 

To  tickle  the  fancy  and  draw. 


32  MODERN    CHIVALRY, 

The  lads  that  can  write  now  let  them  indite, 

And  here  some  speak  their  own  praise  ; 
On  politics  or  pride,  or  threshing  the  hide 

Of  judges  and  lawyers  now-a-days. 

4Tis  all  one  to  Us  what  the  blunderbuss, 

So  that  it  but  makes  a  noise, 
So  down  with  your  ink  pots  ;  thinkers  or  think  nots, 

And  help  out  our  journal,  brave  boys. 

Harum  Scarum  was  a  contributor  to  the  paper,  and  dealt 
in  fabrications  and  intelligence.  Will  Watlin  gave  disserta 
tions  on  economics,  taming  wild  geese,  and  brewing  beer  out 
of  wasps'  nests.  Tom  the  tinker  hankering  after  insurrec 
tions,  struck  his  hammer  on  the  government.  Martin,  the 
schoolmaster,  was  now  employed  as  an  Indian  interpreter, 
passing  his  Greek  for  the  Chickasaw  ;  nevertheless  found 
time  to  furnish  a  distich  of  hemistich  or  Latin  epigram  occa 
sionally.  O'Fin  was  a  politician  and  brought  down  his 
flail  upon  Bonaparte,  and  said,  had  it  not  been  for  his  usur 
pation,  there  would  have  been  a  republic  in  Ireland.  The 
bag  piper  was  a  merry  fellow,  and  brought  his  talents  into 
hotch-pot  in  the  way  of  essays  upon  drones  ;  shewing  their 
use  in  a  commonwealth.  Thus  few  papers  were  better  sup 
ported  than  the  Twilight,  and  it  had  subscribers.  The  great 
variety  of  talents, 

Quoniam  sic  positse,  suaves  miscetes  odores, 
Said  the  Latinist — the  great  variety  of  talents  could  not  fail 
to  furnish  something  to  hit  the  taste  of  everyindividual  ;  and 
it  is  not  so  much  excellency,  as  variety  that  pleases.  The 
most  odoriferous  shrub  or  rose  ceases  to  delight,  and  we  turn 
to  another  bush,  or  take  up  even  a  less  fragrant  flower. 

The  passions  having  their  vent  in  a  Gazette,  saves  battery 
and  bloodshed.  In  this  view  of  the  subject  it  is  an  aid-du- 
camp  to  the  laws  ;  and  if  it  should  be  thought  eligible  to  ex 
tend  the  province  of  the  press,  and  to  canvass  all  matters 
depending  in  a  court  of  justice,  it  will  be  an  accessary  to  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  33 

practice,  and  a  great  acquisition  in  a  free  government.      But 
this  I  leave  to  the  discretion  of  the  legislature. 

The  bog-trotter,  for  a  good  reason,  wrote  nothing.  He  was 
engaged  as  constable,  in  serving  process,  which  he  contrived 
to  get  some  one  to  read  for  him.  In  one  of  his  excursions, 
he  met  with  an  accident.  He  set  his  foot  on  the  spur  of  a 
horse-jocky  ;  which,  in  this  new  country,  from  the  prick  of 
the  roller,  he  took  for  a  rattle-snake.  Not  waiting  to  look  be 
hind  him  after  it  made  the  impression,  and  left  a  puncture 
like  the  tooth  of  a  serpent,  he  made  his  tour  to  the  town  with 
great  howling  and  lamentation.  A  ligament  was  drawn, 
tight  about  his  ancle,  and  the  leg  stroked  down  and  the  flesh 
pressed  towards  the  orifice.  Cold  water  from  the  mouth  of  a 
tea-kettle  was  poured  upon  the  wound,  with  a  steady  current 
from  a  considerable  height.  Finally,  certain  roots,  pointed 
out  by  the  Indian  traders,  in  a  cataplasm  were  applied  to  the 
foot,  bandaged  up  for  a  fortnight,  until  all  appearance,  I  need 
not  say,  of  poison,  for  there  was  none,  but  all  apprehension 
of  poison  and  mortification  was  removed. 

It  will  not  be  understood  that  I  record  this  incident  as  an 
evidence  of  pusillanimity  in  the  bog-trotter.  For  a  man  of 
the  firmest  mind,  might  reasonably  conceive  an  alarm  at  the 
idea  of  being  bitten  by  a  snake.  Such  is  the  horror  in  the 
human  mind  at  even  the  touch,  much  more  the  bite  of  such 
a  reptile. 

Milton  represents  the  tempter  as  seducing  Eve  under  the 
form  of  a  serpent,  and  endeavors  to  render  that  form  amiable 
by  description, 

Inclos'd 

In  serpent,  innate  bad,  and  towards  Eve 
Address'd  his  way,  not  with  indented  wave 
Prone  on  the  ground,  as  since,  but  on  his  rear, 
Circular  base  of  rising  folds,  that  tower'd 
Fold  above  fold,  a  surging  maze  ;  his  head 
Crested  aloft,  and  carbuncle  his  eyes  ; 
With  burnish'd  neck  of  verdant  gold,  erect 

vol.  4,  3 


34  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

Amidst  his  circling  spires,  that  on  the  grass 
Floated  redundant :  pleasing  was  his  shape 
And  lovely  ;  never  since  of  serpent  kind. 
Lovelier. 

If  I  might  presume  to  criticise  so  great  a  master  as  Milton, 
I  would  say  that  it  was  an  oversight  in  him,  to  make  the 
tempter  assume  the  form  of  the  snake.  For  he  is  not  sup 
ported  by  the  Scripture.  The  idea  in  Genesis  is  not  that  the 
tempter  was  in  the  guise  of  a  serpent ;  but  of  some  creature 
which  was,  for  that  very  act,  condemned  to  be  a  serpent. 
"  Upon  thy  belly  shalt  thou  go,  and  dust  shalt  thou  eat  all 
the  days  of  thy  life."  It  is  a  metanomasia,  or  post-nomina 
tion.  "  The  serpent  was  more  subtile  ;"  that  is,  the  beast 
which  we  now  call  a  serpent, 'was  then  the  wisest  of  the 
field.  It  is  impossible  to  imagine  that  creature,  which  would 
seem  to  have  been  changed  ;  for  we  can  no  more  imagine  a 
new  creature,  than  create  one.  When  the  poets  feign  a  grif 
fin,  it  is  but  a  winged  beast.  The  Ore  of  Ariosto  is  made  up 
of  parts  that  are  taken  from  animals  in  nature. 

But,  it  is  to  be  presumed  that  the  animal  assumed  by  the 
tempter  must  have  been  next  to  the  human,  the  form  the 
most  beautiful  in  nature.  The  poet  represents  the  transfor 
mation  as  denounced  in  the  garden, 

Without  delay 

To  judgment  he  proceeded  en  the  accused 
Serpent,  tho'  brute,  unable  to  transfer 
The  guilt  on  him  who  made  him  instrument 
Of  mischief,  and  polluted  from  the  end 
Of  his  creation  ;  justly  then  accus'd. 

As  vitiated  in  nature 

Because  thou  hast  first  done  this  thou  art  accurs'd 
Above  all  cattle,  each  beast  of  the  field  ; 
Upon  thy  belly  grovelling  thou  shalt  go, 
And  dust  shall  eat  all  the  days  of  thy  life. 
I  would  have  expected  the  metamorphose  at  this  time  and 
plaoe. 

His  visage  drawn  he  felt  so  sharp  and  spare, 


•••• 

MODERN    CHIVALRY.  35 

His  arms  clung  to  his  ribs,  his  legs  entwining 
Each  other,  till  supplanted  down  he  fell 
A  monstrous  serpent  on  his  belly  prone, 
Reluctant ;  but  in  vain,  a  greater  power 
Now  rul'd  him,  punish'd  in  the  shape  he  sinn'd, 

According  to  his  doom. 

Since  my  first  reading  of  the  poem,    I  have   been    struck 
with  the  incongruity  of  representing  the  animal  which   the 
tempter  assumed,  as  being  a  serpent  in  the  first  instance.  Yet 
there  is  classical  authority  for  supposing  it  possible,  that  a 
serpentine  form  could  be  the  subject  even  of  affection  : 
Lovelier  ;  not  those  that  in  Illyria  chang'd 
Hermioue  and  Cadmus  or  the  God 
In  Epidaurus,  nor  to  which  transform'd 
Ammonian  Jove,  or  Capitoline  was  seen, 
He  with  Olympias,  this  with  her  who  bore 
Scipio  the  height  of  Rome. 

And  Dryden  in  his  Ode  on  St.  Cecilia's  day 

When  he  to  fair  Olyrnpia  prest, 
Awhile  he  sought  her  snowy  breast, 
And  then  around  her  slender  waist  he  curl'd, 
And  stampt  an  image  of  himself,  a  sovereign 
of  the  world. 

Strange  as  it  seems  to  me,  the  ancients  in  some  countries, 
appear  not  to  have  had  this  horror  of  serpents.  In  the  tem 
ple  of  Esculapius,  the  god  himself  was  said  to  visit  his  pa 
tients  disguised  under  the  form  of  a  great  serpent,  the  cares 
ses  of  which  reanimated  them  with  new  hope.  Serpents  in 
general  were  consecrated  to  this  god.  "  He  appears  to  have 
had  a  particular  predeliction  for  those  found  in  the  neigh 
bourhood  of  Epidaurus,  which  are  of  a  colour  approaching 
to  yellow,  have  no  poison,  are  tame  and  gentle,  and  love  to 
live  in  familiarity  with  man.  That  which  the  priests  keep 
in  the  temple,  will  sometimes  wind  round  their  bodies,  or 
raise  himself  on  his  tail  to  take  the  food  which  they  present 
him  on  a  plate.  He  is  rarely  suffered  to  go  out,  but  when 
this  liberty  is  permitted  him,  he  walks  majestically  through 


36  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

the  streets,  and  as  his  appearance  is  deemed  a  happy  omen,  it 
excites  universal  joy. 

"These  familiar  serpents  are  found  in  the  other  temples  of 
Esculapius.  They  are  very  common  at  Pella,  the  capital  of 
Macedonia.  The  women  there  keep  them  for  their  amuse 
ment.  In  the  great  heats  of  summer,  they  wind  them  round 
their  necks  like  neck-laces.  During  my  stay  in  Greece,  it 
was  said  that  Olympia,  queen  of  Philip,  king  of  Macedon, 
had  one  of  them,  which  ahe  frequently  took  to  bed  to  her; 
and  it  was  even  added,  that  Jupiter  had  taken  the  form  of 
that  animal,  and  that  Alexander  was  his  son."* 

Nevertheless,  I  still  think  that  the  more  natural  allegory 
in  Milton,  and  better  supported  by  the  scripture,  would  have 
been  the  idea  of  some  creature  the  most  beautiful,  as  well  as 
the  wisest,  tempting  Eve,  and  thence,  as  a  punishment,  under 
going  transformation. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

Which  treats  of  the  founding  of  Colonies  in  general,  and  of 
some  in  particular.  Captain  Farrago  becomes  governor.  A 
description  of  the  new  settlement. 

Inacus  founded  Argos;  Cecrops  Athens  ;  Cadmus  Thebes, 
in  Boeotia  ;  Romulus  Rome ;  and  Penn  Philadelphia.  Now 
who  formed  the  town  of  which  we  are  speaking,  cannot  be 
said  ;  for  it  was  founded  by  a  congluvies  of  mortals  like  the 
company  of  David,  in  the  cave  of  Adullam.  "Everyone 
that  was  in  distress ;  and  every  one  that  was  discontented, 
gathered  themselves  unto  him."  Amongst  these  a  broken 
judge  came  ID,  who  complained  that  he  was  unjustly  bro 
ken. 


Travels  of  Anacharsis. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  37 

A  word  with  you  friend,  said  the  Captain.     Were  you  not 
tried  by  a  competent  tribunal? 

Yes,  said  the  judge;  but  the  judgment  was  unjust.      Why 
not  appeal  ?     It  was  the  tribunal  in  the  last  resort. 

What,  said  the  Captain ;  can  there  be  an  error  in  a  der 
nier  decision?  What  is  it,  according  to  yourselves,  that 
makes  the  law,  but  decision  ?  Precedent  is  authority.  What 
has  reason  to  do  in  the  case  ?  Once  it  gets  into  the  books 
and  becomes  a  case,  let  me  see  what  judge  can  undo  it,  or 
question  the  reason  of  it.  It  has  become  law.  We  must 
take  the  law  as  we  find  it.  If  Holt  has  once  said  it,  the 
game  is  up  ;  or  Buller  or  Kenyon.  It  is  a  knock  'im  down 
argument,  that  Patterson  has  ruled  it  so  ;  or  Washington,  or 
Marshall.  It  is  the  construction  of  the  judge  that  makes  the 
law.  It  is  the  application  to  facts  proved,  or  admitted,  that 
makes  the  case ;  and  the  application  being  by  the  constitu 
tional  tribunals,  there  is  no  more  to  be  said  about  it.  Posi 
tive  institutions  are  arbitary  things,  and  there  is  no  reason 
necessary  that  they  are  as  they  are.  You  a  judge,  and  talk 
of  an  unjust  judgment,  where  it  has  been  given  by  those 
who  have  alone  a  right  to  judge  !  This  shows  that  you  were 
not  fit  for  your  office  :  so  turn  in  there,  we  will  do  the  best 
we  can  for  you  ;  but  no  more  caterwauling  about  the  injust 
ice  of  your  sentence  ;  you  sent  many  a  man  from  your  deci 
sions,  I  will  undertake  to  say,  dissatisfied — but  the  law  had 
determined  it ;  it  had  become-a  case,  and  there  was  an  end  of 
the  disquisition. 

The  judge  hung  his  lip,  and  turned  into  a  cabin. 
A  young  doctor  had  coine  here.      What  learning  he  had 
before   he  came,  is  rot   of  so   much  consequence,   as  what 
practice  he  had  afterwards.     One  thing  he  had  acquired,  the 
cant  of  a  physician,  that  had  he  been  called  sooner,  before  the 
constitution  had  lost  its  tone,  or  nature  her  diathesis  to  co 
operate  with  the  medicine,  a  cure  might  have  been  effected  ; 
and  even  as  it  was,  by  preserving  regimen,  something  might 
be  done.     The  quack  taking  care  to  find  out  first  what  the 
vol.  4,  3* 


38  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

patient  liked  best ;  and  especially  prohibiting  that,  because, 
as  he  knew,  the  indulgence  could  not  all  at  once  be  restrain 
ed  absolutely,  it  was  morally  certain  the  patient  would  trans 
gress  a  little,  and  furnish  the  complaint  with  a  pretence  to 
stick  by  him  in  spite  of  the  faculty. 

A  young  woman  had  been  found  in  the  woods,  naked,  gag 
ged,  and  had  been,  as  she  said,  tied  to  a  tree.  The  account 
she  gave  was  that  she  had  been  taken  out  of  a  nunnery  in 
Canada,  where  she  had  been  educated :  was  on  her  way  to 
her  father  in  Kentucky,  a  rich  man ;  had  been  robbed  of  a 
thousand  doubloons  by  her  conductor,  strippedofher  silks  and 
muslins,  and  left  to  perish  in  the  wilderness.  Imagination 
or  philanthropy  saw  truth  in  her  history ;  and  she  was  fed 
and  clothed,  not  as  the  law  directed,  but  as  humanity  dicta 
ted,  and  brought  into  good  company. 

At  the  first  discovery  of  her,  she  was  thought  to  be  a  mor 
tal  ;  but  in  a  short  time  she  was  conceived  to  be  an  angel. — 
There  were  an  hundred  that  would  have  married  her,  had  it 
not  been  for  this  distrust  of  being  real  flesh  and  blood.  But 
by  this  time  it  began  to  be  found  out,  or  at  least  suspected, 
that  the  nunnery  had  been  no  farther  off  than  a  city  of  these 
states,  and  under  the  care  of  brothers,  rather  than  sisters. 

The  preacher  of  the  town  was  a  methodist  of  that  class 
who  seem  to  glory  in  publicly  confessing  their  sins  ;  in 
telling  how  wicked  they  had  once  been,  to  mark  the  proud 
contrast  with  their  present  state  of  perfection.  This  one  had 
been  a  horse  thief,  and  when  he  had  taken  his  text,  and  was 
warning  from  the  like  offence,  and  telling  the  danger  of  it, 
tye  would  put  back  his  wig  and  say,  you  see  I  have  lost  my 
ears  by  it. 

Ecce  signum,  said  the  Latin  schoolmaster  ; 
Segnius  irritant  animos  demissa  peraurem, 
Quam  quse  sunt  oculis,  subjecta  fidelibus. 

At  an  early  period,  the  ceremony  of  marriage  had  been 
dispensed  with  in  this  town,  as  is  the  case  where  there  are 
not  magistrates  or  priests  at  hand  to  officiate,  and  make  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  39 

legal  copula,  or  knot  of  marriage,  or  they'were  made  simply 
before  witnesses,  or  by  mere  mutual  consent.*  Diana  and 
her  nymphs  ;  the  three  graces  and  the  nine  muses,  are  repre 
sented  as  not  marrying  at  all.  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  it 
is  owing  to  the  same  cause,  the  absence  of  the  justice  of  the 
peace  or  the  parson.  But  it  is  always  spoken  of  as  the 
first  step  towards  civilization,  the  coupling  in  marriage,  ac 
cording  to  some  established  form. 

Sancire  leges. 

Concubitu  prohibere  vago. 

The  Captain  being  by  common  consent  chosen  governor  of 
the  new  Territory,  paid  attention,  in  the  first  instance,  to  this 
matter  of  police,  and  directed  the  girdle  of  Hymen,  to  bo 
added  to  the  zone  of  Venus,  in  all  cases  where  it  had  been 
yet  wanting.  The  settlement  in  a  new  country  is,  in  some 
respects,  delightful ;  the  country  in  its  virgin  state,  before 
the  underwood  is  browzed  upon,  and  the  luxury  of  flowers 
and  shrubs  is  repressed  by  beasts  of  burden,  or  the  labours 
of  the  husbandman.  It  has  seemed  to  me  that  the  streams 
run  clearer  in  a  new  country  than  the  old  ;  they  are  certain 
ly  more  abundant.  The  cultivation  of  the  soil  uncovering 
the  vallys,  lets  in  the  rays  of  the  sun,  which  drink  up  the 
moisture,  and  open  fissures  in  the  earth,  where  the  streamlets 
sink  and  disappear. — Hence  it  is  that  we  read  of  brooks  and 
rivulets  in  the  classic  and  long  cultivated  countries,  which 
bubble  now  only  in  the  song  of  the  muses — 

"  Sunk  are  their  fountains,  and  their  channels  dry.*' 

The  natural  moss  on  the  margin  of  the  fountains  and  the 
rivers  in  a  new  country,  are  greener,  and  furnish  a  more 
romantic  seat, 

Saxo  sedilia  vivo, 
shaded  by  the  umbrage  of  the  forest,  than  the  clover  of  the 


*  This  is  no  doubt  a  good  marriage  even  at  this  time, 
marriage  being  regarded  by  law  as  a  civil  contract ;  all  that  is 
necessary  is  consent,  and  an  actual  contract ;  which  may  ever  be 
presumed  from  the  circumstances  of  cohabitation.  But  a  certain 
degree  of  solemnity,  is  highly  important  for  its  moral  effect. 


40  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

meadow ;  or  the  artificial  bank  and  bowers  of  the  garden 
itself.  How  delightful  the  small  parties  that  are  made  upon 
the  water  of  the  rivers  in  skiffs  or  canoes,  or  in  the  shades  of 
the  forest,  and  near  a  spring  head,  at  a  fete  champetre  or 
barbecue,  where  the  company  assemble,  nor  yet  divided  by 
the  classifications  of  wealth  or  pride  !  I  do  not  wonder  that 
the  young  people  of  the  Israelites  were  apt  to  be  seduced  to 
sacrifice  "  in  high  places,  on  hills,  and  under  every  green 
tree,"  even  though  prohibited,  inasmuch  as  these  situations 
were  so  delightful,  at  least  in  the  summer  seasons. 

"  The  flowers  of  the  forests  are  a'  wed  away, 
In  the  old  school  ballad  is  a  fine  expression  :  for  the  flowers 
of  the  "  forest"  are  unquestionably  of  a  more  lively  bloom 
if  not  of  finer  odour  than  those  of  a  garden  ;  and  that  atmos 
phere  of  fragrance,  which,  from  a  wilderness  of  verdure, 
pours  upon  the  senses,  overwhelms  with  delight.*  There  is 
no  ague  or  fever  here  ;  for  the  exhalation  from  the  foliage  is 
aromatic  to  the  smell — the  gale  is  not  tainted  with  miasmata. 
The  air  is  a  bed  of  perfume,  and  the  vapour  tastes  of  nectar 
and  ambrosia. 

Such  scenes,  and  such  air  must  be  salutary.  Whatever  the 
component  parts  or  qualities,  hydrogen,  nitrogen,  or  oxygen, 
of  which  the  chymists  speak,  certain  it  is  that  the  air  breath. 
ed  from  plants  and  flowers  is  favorable  to  health  and  long 
evity.  Inhaled  by  the  lungs,  is  restorative,  and  as  a  vapour 
bath  to  the  whole  body  is  salubrous.  A  ride  from  the  sea 
coast  to  an  ultramontane  settlement  in  the  spring  of  the 
year,  is  resuscitation  to  an  almost  dead  constitution. 

But  it  would  seem  to  be  owing  to  other  causes  than  mere 
bodily  vigour  and  health,  that  the  inhabitants  of  a  new 
country  appear  to  have  more  intellectual  vigour,  and  in  fact 
more  understanding  in  the  same  grade  of  education,  than 
the  inhabitants  of  an  old  settlement,  and  especially  of  towns 


*  The  author  frequently  expresses  his  love  of  the  wild  beau 
ties  of  the  scenery  of  nature,  in  the  uncultivated  woods. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  41 

and  cities.  The  mind  enlarges  with  the  horizon.  Place  a 
man  ou  the  top  of  a  mountain,  or  on  a  large  plain,  his  ideas 
partake  of  the  situation,  and  he  thinks  more  nobly  than  he 
would  uader  the  ceiling  of  a  room  or  at  a  small  country  seat. 

It  may  be  that  the  change  of  situation  gives  a  spring  to 
the  mind,  and  that  the  intercourse  with  that  variety  of  char 
acters  which  emigrate,  increases  the  stock  of  knowledge. 
Taking  a  new  start  from  a  new  point,  and  rising  from  a  high 
er  to  a  higher  sphere.  Whether  owing  to  these,  or  other 
causes,  it  unquestionably  appears  to  me,  that  the  ultramonta- 
neer  is,  in  general,  the  superior  man,  in  the  same  occupa 
tion  and  pursuit  in  life.  This  would  seem  to  hold  good  out 
of  the  learned  professions,  which  require  a  propinquity  to 
the  libraries  of  Apollo,  as  well  as  the  seat  of  the  muses  ;  but 
we  have  in  view  chiefly  that  natural  sagacity,  and  discern 
ment  of  spirit,  and  strength  of  mind  which  constitutes  men 
tal  superiority.  Perhaps  it  may  be  that  the  most  active 
spirits  are  those  that  emigrate ;  or  that  people  put  to  their 
shifts,  which  is  the  case  in  a  new  country,  acquire  a  vigour 
of  mind  proportioned  to  the  exercise. 

There  is  one  thing  observable,  that,  in  a  new  settlement, 
society  is  coveted,  because  it  is  scarce ;  and  mutual  wants 
produce  reciprocal  accommodation.  The  emigrants  coming 
also,  from  different  quarters  not  in  clause  and  hitherto  un 
known  to  each  other,  do  not  bring  with  them  latent,  or  pro 
fessed  enmities ;  and  the  mind,  ira,  amicitia  vacuus  is  open 
wholly  for  new  impressions.  Family  feuds,  of  an  old  stand 
ing,  or  of  recent  inception,  do  not  exist.  The  absence  of  all 
chagrin  is  a  state  of  mind  more  easily  coveted  than  explained, 
either  as  to  its  sensations,  or  as  to  its  consequences.  But  it 
is  a  main  spring  of  happiness  in  a  settlement,  that  the  im 
provement  begins  upon  a  new  plan,  and  upon  his  own  scale  ; 
and  he  has  his  shades  and  his  avenues  at  once,  without  wait 
ing  for  the  trees  to  grow.  There  are  neither  ruins,  nor  ves 
tiges  of  decay  before  his  eyes,  but  a  young  country  receiv 
ing  young  cultivation;  just  at  the  will  of  the  possessor, 


42  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

without  the  necessity  of  sacrificing  taste  to  what  had  been 
begun  and  half  finished.  Suffice  it  to  have  said  these  things 
to  the  encouragement  of  young  people  who  may  not  be  well 
provided  for  by  those  before  them,  and  are  disposed  to  seek 
their  fortunes  dependent  only  on  themselves. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


The  new  Governor  turns  Ms  tliouglits  to  the  subject  of  govern 
ment.  The  means  of  governing  men.  The  clergy  in  free 
governments.  The  Press. 

Governor  Farrago,  in  his  new  capacity  began  to  turn  his 
thoughts  towards  government ;  and  considered  with  himself 
what  had  been  the  means  of  governing  men,  from  time  im 
memorial.  This  he  found  might  be  comprehended  und,er  two 
general  heads,  fear  and  love. 

Religion  founded  on  truth,  is  a  powerful  ally  of  govern 
ment  as  it  holds  forth  the  rewards  and  punishments  of  a 
future  state.  With  respect  to  spurious  religion,  or  heathen 
ism,  we  see  great  importance  attached  to  sacrifices  of  sheep 
and  oxen,  and  can  be  at  no  loss  to  understand  tho  motive. 
For  when  a  bullock  was  offered  up  to  the  gods,  the  smell 
went  to  them,  but  the  taste  to  mortals.  It  was  not 
that  any  thing  could  be  got  out  of  visjera,  that  tripes  were 
inspected ;  but  because  this  could  not  be  done  until  the  cow 
was  killed  ;  and  in  that  case,  the  priest  got  a  beef-steak. — 
What  contempt  would  one  entertain  of  the  Haruspices, 
pouring  over  the  entrails  of  cattle,  in  order  to  ascertain  the 
events  of  futurity,  if  he  had  no  idea,  all  this  time,  that  it 
led  to  a  oarbecue  ? 

But  what  the  origin  of  human  sacrifices  ?  That  has  a 
deeper  foundation.  It  was  not  that  Gentiles  devoured  them  ; 
or  were  cannibals.  But,  it  was  a  state  engine,  and  under 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  '     43 

pretence  that  a  human  victim  was  desired  by  the  gods,  some 
individual,  obnoxious  to  the  government,  was  pointed  out  by 
the  priest,  in  collusion  with  the  officer,  and  made  the  holo. 
caust.  We  have  a  proof  of  this  from  the  poet  Virgil,  who 
puts  a  tale  into  the  mouth  of  Simon,  viz.  that  a  victim  being 
necessary  to  procure  a  favorable  wind  to  the  Greeks  to  return 
home,  Ulysses,  having  a  grudge  on  an  old  account,  got  Gal. 
chas  to  denounce  Pil  Garlick,  as  the  one  the  gods  had  pitch 
ed  upon  ;  and  accordingly  being  marked  out  for  the  altar,  he 
had  run  off.  In  the  Foola  country,  the  Bandoo  woman  is 
made  use  of  by  the  Purra,  to  single  out  the  culprit  that  is  to 
go  to  pot  and  be  knocked  on  the  head.  In  the  South  Sea 
islands,  it  is  the  usual  policy.  A  letter  from  a  missionary  at 
Otaheite,  tells  us  that  the  emperor  of  that  island,  lately 
died,  had  offered  up  in  his  time,  at  least  two  thousand  human 
persons.  These  were,  doubtless,  such  as  had  been  in  oppo 
sition  to  the  administration. 

Letters  de  cachet,  had  answered  this  end  in  France  ;  the 
inquisition  in  catholic  countries,  which  was  an  ecclesiastical 
tribunal,  served  the  same  purpose. 

The  clergy  in  free  states,  are  useful  to  government ;  but 
not  in  the  same  way.  It  is  by  inculcating  obedience  to  the 
laws  as  a  divine  precept,  and  a  moral  duty.  This  is  the  only 
"  alliance  of  church  and  state,"  that  exists  in  this  country. 
Or  if  the  clergy  here  do  not  touch  upon  politics  at  all,  yet  by 
teaching  such  doctrines  as  lead  men  to  virtue,  they  make 
them  good  citizens.  Even  the  Calvanist,  though  he  talks  of 
nothing  but  faith,  and  spiritual  affections,  yet  produces  the 
effect  of  good  works.  So  that  in  fact  he  comes  to  the  same 
point  with  the  Arnainian  who  talks  chiefly  of  good  works. 

In  the  ancient  republics,  founded  like  ours,  on  reason,  and 
the  laws,  the  power  of  speech  was  the  great  means  of  keep 
ing  men  together.  Hence  the  orators  of  the  popular  assem 
blies.  With  us  the  press  is  the  great  pully,  by  which  the 
public  mind  is  hoisted,  or  let  down  to  any  sentiment.  It  is  a 
wonderful  block  and  tackle  on  board  the  state  ship.  It  can 


44  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

overthrow  a  good  administration,  and  for  a  "while  support  the 
bad.  But  the  press  cannot  exist  but  by  liberty  ;  this  is  the 
bread  by  which  alone  it  can  live.  Nevertheless,  the  freedom 
of  it  may  be  lost  by  its  own  imprudence.  The  intemperence, 
and  indiscretion  of  the  journalist,  propels  to  popular  excesses, 
which  subdue  the  laws  and  bring  on  despotism.  The  phrase 
"  liberty  and  equality,"  of  the  French  revolution,  has  done 
mischief  by  going  into  false  notions.  Liberty  was  thought  to 
mean  anarchy — and  equality — it  is  hard  to  tell  "what.  Our 
declaration  of  independence,  has  the  phraze,  that  "  all  men 
are  born  equal;"  the  meaning  is,  that  they  were  born  with 
equal  rights,  that  is,  the  right  to  enjoy  what  the  law  gives 
them.  In  any  other  sense,  it  is  not  true ;  for  men  are  un 
equal,  physically  and  individually,  as  well  as  by  the  gifts  of 
fortune,  or  the  chances  of  life. 

These  were  the  desultory  reflections  of  the  governor,  who 
thought  it  fortunate  that  a  press  had  been  established  in  his 
government  as  a  vehicle  of  information,  but  was  a  little 
afraid  of  some  of  the  correspondents ;  Harum  Scarum ;  Tom 
the  Tinker ;  Clonmel  the  ballad  singer  ;  Will  Watlin,  and 
others.  O'Fin  the  Irishman,  was  an  excellent  flail  man; 
but  threshing  grain,  and  threshing  in  a  newspaper,  require, 
if  not  different  powers  of  mind,  yet  at  least  different  cultiva 
tion.  He  was  an  honest  good  hearted  fellow ;  but  as  on  a 
barn  floor,  an  unskilful,  or  careless  person  will  bring  the 
voluble  end  of  the  jack-staff  about  his  own  head  ;  so  it  is 
with  a  politician  who  enters  the  list  with  a  view  to  do  good  ; 
but,  from  mistake  of  the  true  interest  of  the  body  politic, 
does  the  harm. 

Under  this  idea  of  the  effect  of  a  journal  to  guide,  or  mis 
lead  the  public  mind,  the  Governor  solicited  an  interview 
with  the  author  of  the  "  Twilight."  After  such  introductory 
compliments  and  observations  as  may  be  presumed  on  the 
occasion,  the  governor  insensibly  drew  him  (the  editor)  into 
a  conversation  on  the  subject  of  the  press,  and  his  gazette  in 
particular.  Editor,  said  he,  your  good  sense  I  know,  and 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  45 

your  patriotism  ;  but  I  am  afraid  of  your  being  a  little  too 
much  carried  away  with  the  spirit  of  the  times  hatred  to 
learning,  agrarianism,  dissolution  of  courts,  disuse-  -of  codes 
of  law,  and  invectives  against  judges.  There  is  a  medium  in 
all  things.  This  may  be  carried  too  far.  Would  you  not 
think  it  prudent  to  restrain  this  downhill  speed  a  little.  As 
to  attacks  upon  the  administration,  or  the  policy  of  measures 
merely  executive,  or  even  the  constitutionality,  or  expedien 
cy  of  a  law,  I  should  think  the  greatest  freedom  may  be  used; 
or  the  public  conduct  of  men  in  office  maybe  canvassed; 
though,  by  the  bye,  I  should  not  think  the  public  had  any 
interest  in  their  small  morals,  as  for  instance,  the  cut  of  their 
pantaloons,  or  the  colour  of  their  breeches ;  or  peccadilloes, 
even  in  the  breaches  of  decorum.  Such  restriction  may 
perhaps  be  laying  an  anchor  to  windward  in  my  own  behalf, 
as  I  am  not  the  most  exact  of  all  men  in  these  particulars. — 
But  I  ask  or  wish  for  no  indulgence,  on  the  score  of  official 
acts;  let  them  be  the  subject  of  your  examination,  and 
strictures.  At  the  same  time  taking  the  rule  of  humanity 
for  your  guide,  as  expressed  By  the  Poet. 

"  Nothing  extenuate,  or  set  down  aught^in  malice." 

But  I  advert  chiefly  to  such  sentiments,  as  poison  in  res 
pect  of  the  elementary  principles  and  constitutions  of  govern 
ment  itself,  and  the  prostration  of  those  establishments  on 
which  the  security  of  property,  reputation  and  liberty  de 
pend. 

You  will  assign  to  us  typographists  a  very  narrow  space, 
indeed,  said  the  Editor ;  and  you  will  strike  away  from  us 
the  footstool  of  all  our  popularity.  What  is  it  to  the  maca- 
ronie,  whether  you  acquire  territory  to  the  republic,  or  lose 
it,  but  what  is  the  fashion  of  your  boot,  or  the  cape  of  your 
coat  ?  What  is  it  to  a  female,  whether  you  wisely  sanction  a 
remedial  act  by  approbation,  or  negative  it?  But  whether 
you  keep  a  mistress,  or  ever  had  one.  The  taste  of  our  sub 
scribers  is  as  various  as  their  faces,  and  it  is  they  we  must 
vol.  4,  4 


46  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

please.  Every  body  can  understand  scurrility,  but  it  re 
quires  one  to  knit  the  brow  to  take  up  a  report  on  the  finan 
ces.  As  to  the  taste  of  the  tin,e,  we  must  fall  in  with  it,  if 
we  mean  to  keep  on  the  popular  side  of  the  question.  You 
are  not  to  take  it  for  granted  that  we  speak  our  own  minds  in 
every  thing  you  see  in  our  papers;  no  more  than  an  advo 
cate  who  is  employed  on  the  wrong  side  to  plead  :  it  happens 
to  fall  to  his  lot,  and  he  finds  his  account  in  it. 

Cannot  you  fill  up  your  journal,  said  the  Governor,  or  at 
least  a  great  part  of  it,  with  essays  on  agriculture ;  experi 
ments  in  chemistry,  mathematical  problems,  or  love  adven 
tures,  years  ago,  or  at  a  great  distance  ?  Let  the  governors, 
and  the  laws  alone,  since  you  cannot  speak  of  them  accord 
ing  to  your  own  judgment 

That  would  never  do,  said  the  Editor.  The  public  would 
not  take  half  the  interest  in  it.  Finding  fault  is  a  secret 
satisfaction,  and  the  source  of  great  delight  to  the  human 
mind. — Hence  slanders  in  society.  Why  not  much  more  in 
public  life  ?  When  a  man  builds  a  cabin,  it  pleases  us  to  ob 
ject  to  the  plan,  or  something  done  about  it ;  much  more 
when  the  subject  of  our  remark  is  of  a  high  and  noble 
nature,  such  as  a-measures  of  the  executive. 

The  fact  is,  a  newspaper  is  a  battery,  and  it  must  have 
something  to  batter  at.  Where  the  Editor  is  a  friend  to  the 
executive,  or  the  legislative  part  of  the  administration,  he 
must  make  a  butt  of  the  judiciary.  It  is  against  this  he 
must  bring  his  catapult,  or  battering  ram  to  bear.  Fortu 
nate  the  man  who  is  unen  trammelled  with  any  attachments, 
or  restraints  of  affection,  gratitude,  or  obligation ;  he  has  the 
whole  before  him,  and  he  is  not  under  the  necessity  of  slack" 
ening  his  efforts,  at  one  angle,  lest  he  should  affect  another" 
A  clear  field,  and  no  favour.  That  is  the  province  of  the 
printer.  An  advocate  seldom  finds  it  his  interest  to  be  re. 
tained  by  a  suitor  altogether.  And  as  to  building  up  systems, 
that  is  what  we  do  not  so  well  understand.  We  leave  that 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  47 

to  the  sages,  and  philosophers,  with  whom  we  are  naturally 
at  war.  It  is  not  our  fort ;  every  man  has  his  faculty.  One 
to  spin  a  rope  ;  another  to  pick  oakum. 

Well,  said  the  Governor,  you  must  take  your  own  way.  I 
had  no  idea  of  shackling  the  press,  but  only  of  suggesting 
such  hints,  as  might  conduce  to  its  credit,  and  the  good  of 
the  community. 

I  do  not  know,  said  the  Governor  to  the  Chief  Justice,  the 
blind  lawyer  who  was  present ;  the  Editor  now  withdrew  ;  I 
do  not  know,  said  he,  whether,  notwithstanding  my  observa 
tions  to  the  printer,  something  might  not  be  done  in  settling 
suits,  and  composing  differences  in  matters  of  property  with 
out  such  extensive  codes  of  jurisprudence  and  court  trials, 
with  advocates,  and  endless  speeches.  I  should  like  to  hear 
your  idea  on  this  subject,  Chief  Justice. 

Might  we  not  do  without  such  struggling  to  exist  in  other 
respects,  said  the  Chief  Justice.  The  acre  must  be  grubbed? 
the  maize  planted  ;  the  sickle  is  necessary.  Why  clothing  ; 
at  least,  why  tailors.  Skins,  or  a  plaid  might  answer.  Why 
houses?  It  is  probable  that  mankind  had  tried  the  acorn  : 
the  bear  skin  ;  the  cave,  or  the  hut  before  these.  Must  they 
return  to  this  state,  to  see  whether  they  cannot  now  do  with 
out  them  ? 

The  presumption  is,  that  before  laws,  men  had  tried  what 
it  was  to  dispense  with  them.  Jury  trial  would  not  seem  to 
have  been  an  invention,  all  at  once  like  the  cotton  loom  by 
Arkwright.  It  is  probable  that  it  was  considered  an  improve 
ment  upon  arbitrations,  when  it  first  came  into  use.  But  it 
would  not  seem  to  have  been  adopted  all  at  once,  but  to  be 
the  result  of  successive  amendments.  In  fact,  it  is  nothing 
but  a  mode  of  arbitration  by  the  vicinege,  uniting  with  it  the 
advantage  of  a  court  to  inform  as  to  what  the  law  is,  and 
furnishing  an  executive  authority  to  carry  awards  into  effect, 
and  execution. 

This  trial  is  of  immemorial  usage,  and  hid  in  deep  antiqui 
ty.  If  we  had  its  history,  it  would  be  seen  that  its  laws, 


48  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

are  the  result  of  gradual  accession  ;  and  these  added  from  an 
experience  of  defect.  Just  as  in  our  own  time,  and  in  these 
states,  we  find  amendments,  or  at  least,  changes  in  the  sum 
moning,  return,  impannelling,  or  serving  of  juries. 

The  privilege  of  counsel  in  capital  cases  ;  as  to  matters  of 
fact,  or  witnesses  on  oath,  is  out  a  late  acquisition  in  Eng 
land.  And  the  presumption  is,  that  at  least,  as  to  the  privil- 
age  of  counsel,  it  did  not  originally  obtain  in  criminal  cases. 
But  that  the  prerogative  of  the  crown  had  impeded  this  im 
provement  in  the  criminal  laws,  so  that  it  did  not  keep  equal 
pace  with  that  in  the  civil.  Yet  with  us  it  begins  now  to  be 
thought  a  grievance  to  have  counsel  in  any  case.  It  seems 
to  be  a  wish  of  many  to  try  a  system  of  judicial  determina 
tion  without  it. 

What  would  be  the  effect  of  the  experiment  of  simple  arbi 
tration  ?  said  the  governor. 

An  injury  to  credit,  said  the  Chief  Justice  :  men  would  not 
so  readily  give  trust,  knowing  that  the  screw  of  the  law  was 
relaxed,  and  they  could  not  so  readily  recover  what  was  due 
to  them ;  of  course  it  would  reduce  contracts,  and  bring 
matters  to  the  immediate  exchange  of  money  and  commodi 
ties.  At  the  same  time,  I  am  willing  to  admit,  that  some 
practical  check  to  the  facillities  of  credit,  is  very  desirable. 
In  the  third  place,  it  would  shake  the  security  of  property, 
real  and  personal ;  on  account  of  the  uncertainty  of  holding 
it,  the  rules  of  evidence  being  rendered  uncertain  before  a 
tribunal  having  no  rules  ;  and  also  on  account  of  having  no 
principles  of  contract  or  use,  but  the  notions  of  right  and 
wrong,  in  the  breasts  of  the  auditors  ;  and  these  as  changa- 
ble  as  the  different  sets  that  decide  on  a  controversy. 

In  the  last  place,  it  would  check,  if  not  put  a  stop  to  all 
improvement.  Who  would  build  a  mill,  or  clear  a  field,  if  it 
eoold  be  taken  from  him  by  the  Irish — custom  of  Tanistryl* 

*  The  custom  of  Tanistry.  SeeDavies  Rep.  Irish  cases,  147 — 
the  case  of  Donough  MacTeague  O.  Callaghan.  The  custom  was, 
that  the  most  worthy  should  take  the  estate — in  practice  the  most 
worthy  was  him  who  could  flog  the  rest. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  40 

A  great  object  of  the  social  compact  is,  the  security  of  pri 
vate  property ;  the  ascertaining  and  protecting  meum  and 
tuum  ;  the  mine  and  thine  of  possession.     It  is  essential  in  a 
republican  government,  that  every  man  should  be  secured  in 
the  enjoyment  of  the  fruits  of  his  industry.  With  sovereigns, 
the  ultima  ratio  regum,  is  the  means  of  redress  in  the  case  of 
an  invasion.     Of  trespass  with  individuals  in  a  state  of  soci 
ety,  what  else  but  the  laws  ?     And  what  are  laws  without 
tribunals  to  lay  down  and  enforce  them  ?  tribunals,  not  casu 
al  and  temporary,  but  fixed  and  moving  with  set  times,  and 
the  regularity   of  clock  work ;  tribunals   who  have  rules   of 
property  as  well  understood,  and  as  certain  in  their  applica 
tions  as  the  laws  of  gravitation  or   magnetism.      When  the 
barons  meet  atRunningmede,  did  they  complain  of  any  thing 
more  than   the   delay   of  justice?     Nulli  negabimus,   nulli 
deferemus  justitiam,  is  a  provision  of  magna  charta.     Could 
there  be  steady  justice,   otherwise  than  by  a  proper  organi 
zation  of  courts    and  juries?    Not  unless  we  take  the  short 
way  of  despotism,   and  appoint  subordinates  with  a  prompt 
power,  and  arbitrary  discretion.     Trial  by  jury  and  the  con 
stituted  courts,  had  been  in  use  time  out  of  mind,   before 
magna  charta,  and  more  than  eight  hundred  years  since,  it 
has  been   tolerated,  nay  prized,  and  the  constant  subject  of 
eulogy,  notwithstanding    what  I  consider   as    that  which 
might  be  the  subject  of  amendment,  the  principle-of  unanimi 
ty  in  civil  cases.      But  it  ought  not  to  be  rashly  changed,  for 
change  may  lead  to  its  destruction,  or  rather  its  transition 
into  mere  arbitration.     In  the  essential  law  of  its  nature^  it 
should  be  annexed  to  a  court  where  men  sit,  who  are  learned 
in  the  usages  and  customs,  or  written  laws,  of  the   society. 
Human  wisdom  never  has  devised  an  equal  mode  of  uniting 
the  means  of  ascertaining  fact  and  applying  law.     It  is  the 
life  giving  principle  in  this  regulation,  that  the  jury  and  the 
court  are  associated  in  the  trial,  and  that  one  cannot   move 
without  the  other.      As  to   the  mode   of  bringing   forward 
juries  by  return   of  the   sheriff;  by   a  special  jury,  select- 
vol.  4,  4* 


50  MODE&N    CHIVALRY. 

ed  in  the  manner  known,  or  by  election  of  the  country, 
these  are  particulars  of  a  lesser  nature,  and  may  be  the 
subject  of  modification  from  time  to  time,  and  yet  the 
vital  principle  be  preserved.  But  the  moment  the  tribunals  of 
fact  and  law  are  separated,  the  talismanic  charm  is  gone  ; 
that  which  was  never  understood  before,  will  then  be  felt. 

But,  said  the  Governor,  did  they  not  lay  aside  law  judges, 
and  attempt  the  system  of  mere  arbitrament  in  France,  du 
ring  the  revolution  ? 

It  would  have  been  matter  of  wonder  if  they  had  not,  said 
the  Chief  Justice.  When  the  cord  from  its  extreme  tension 
is  let  go,  it  vibrates  nearly  as  far  on  the  other  side  of  the 
circle  to  that  from  which  it  had  been  drawn.  What  could 
you  expect  in  return  from  despotism,  but  the  opposite  ex 
treme  of  anarchy?  In  the  state  of  the  public  mind,  in 
France,  what  was  there  to  arrest  at  a  medium  ?  Was  it  natu 
ral  for  the  precipitancy  of  the  national  will,  to  stop  short  of 
the  utmost  latitude  ?  You  might  as  well  expect  the  stone  of 
Sysiphus  rolling  down  hill  to  stop  of  itself,  before  it  reached 
the  bottom.  What  institutions—what  habits  had  they  to 
fall  back  upon  ?  We  had  our  town  meetings  every  where, 
each  in  itself  a  miniature  republic,  where  the  people  were 
accustomed  to  meet,  debate,  and  decide  on  all  matters  inter 
esting  them.  Every  individual  had  from  tradition  a  stock  of 
political  ideas,  and  had  maxims  of  political  rights  almost 
born  with  them. 

Of  what  account  was  it,  when  the  mode  of  settling  dis 
putes,  relative  to  property  in  France,  at  some  periods  of  the 
revolution  ?  Proscriptions  brought  owners,  and  possessors, 
so  quickly  to  the  guillotine  ;  and  conscriptions  took  them  so 
hastily  to  the  cannon's  mouth,  or  the  bayonet's  point,  that  it 
was  of  little  consequence  what  were  the  tribunals  of  justice,  or 
of  litigation.  Buthad  they  the  trial  by  the  vicinage  to  lose?  or 
haye  they  continued  to  do  even  with  judges  ?  Bonaparte 
you  may  say,  has  given  them  courts,  and  made  great  reform 
in  their  civil  and  criminal  law,  especially  in  giving  uniformi- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  51 

ty  of  rule  throughout  his  empire.  Frederick  had  reduced 
the  law  to  a  single  code  before  him.  It  muit  be  admitted, 
that  although  despots,  they  were  both  great  and  enlightened 
reformers. 

What  was  the  law  in  France  before  the  revolution  ?  From 
what  sources  drawn?  The  Roman  civil  law.  Not  this  only, 
but  usages,  customs,  and  written  laws  of  a  general  or  local 
nature,  derived  from  their  Gallic  ancestors ;  or  from  the 
Goths  of  Franconia  ;  from  the  law  of  nature ;  from  the  law 
of  nations ;  from  municipal  institutions,  dfed  a  thousand 
sources  as  numerous  as  the  springs  that  make  the  rivers  of 
their  country. 

Could  not  property  be  held  and  adjudged  without  a  know 
ledge  of  all  these?  said  the  governor — no  more  than  you 
could  breathe  without  the  atmosphere,  unless  another  atmos 
phere  be  given  you.  For  what  is  property,  but  that  which  is 
peculiarly  my  right?  And  what  constitutes  it  my  right,  but 
the  laws  under  which  it  was  acquired,  and  to  which  it  was 
subject? 

Is  this  Roman  civil  law,  that  you  speak  of,  a  thing  of  ex 
tensive  application  ?  said  the  governor. 

It  is  as  extensive,  said  the  Chief  Justice,  as  the  common 
law  with  us,  or  as  any  law  must  be,  that  arises  out  of  the 
multifarious  concerns  of  a  great  community.  Romulus  made 
regulations ;  Numa,  institutions  ;  the  plebiscita,  or  resolu 
tions  of  the  tribunes  and  the  commons  ;  senatus  consulta ; 
judicia  pretoris  ;  responsa  prudentum  ;  these  with  the  twelve 
tables,  institutes,  pandects,  and  commentaries,  are  grounds  of 
that  law,  which,  on  the  decline  and  fall  of  the  empire,  was 
incorporated  by  the  barbarous  nations  in  their  codes,  as  they 
became  civilized,  and  an  agricultural  and  commercial  people. 
It  is  the  experience  and  wisdom  of  ages  which  can  alone 
provide  for  the  cases  of  difference  in  matters  oP  claim  or 
right  amongst  a  people.  It  will  require  the  application  of 
years  in  those  who  administer  these  laws,  to  attain  a  know* 


52  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

ledge  of  the  rules  established  relative  to  them,  and  which 
rules  by  the  change  of  property  under  them,  have  become  as 
much  the  right  of  the  citizens  as  the  property  itself.  For 
the  laws  of  property  go  with  it ;  and  are  the  right  of  the 
purchaser  ;  and  as  much  a  part  of  his  estate,  as  the  charters 
and  documents  that  constitute  the  evidence  of  the  acquisi 
tion.  A  bit  of  a  manual,  or  collect  of  the  rules  of  a  legisla 
tive  body,  will  fill  a  duodecimo  volume  ;  and  yet  how  small  a 
part  in  this  of  the  "  law  of  parliament,"  which  embraces  pri- 
vilegesuimmunities,  laws  of  election,  &c.  And  in  the  code  of 
the  community,  there  are  a  thousand  chapters  of  law  more 
extensive  than  this,  and  equally  important  to  be  known,  and 
and  every  day  in  use  by  the  whole  of  the  people.  So  that 
the  disuse  of  lawyers,  judges,  and  courts,  or  superseding  the 
necessity  of  them  by  novel  institutions,  is  what  will  be  found 
impracticable  consistent  with  government,  without  substitu 
ting  arbitrary  despotic  power,  or  trying  all  cases  by  the  toss 
of  a  copper. 

Nevertheless,  said  Harum  Scarum,  who  had  just  come  in, 
and  heard  the  concluding  part  of  what  the  chief  justice  had 
said — Harum  Scarum,  whom  the  governor  had  just,  appointed 
secretary:  Nevertheless,  said  he,  so  it  is,  that  nolens  volens, 
the  people  will  have  the  lawyers  and  the  judges  down.  They 
may  let  the  chief  justice  alone  a  while,  because  he  is  blind. — 
There  is  a  generosity  in  men  that  leads  them  to  spare,  the 
miserable.  But  as  to  lawyers  that  have  their  hands,  and 
judges  that  can  see,'  downtfreygo  ;  every  day  has  its  rage; 
ca-ira-ca-ira—  it  must  go,  it  must  go — progress,  progress.  The 
Marseilles  hymn  need  not  be  sang  to  this. — Marchez,  March- 
ez.  It  will  march  of  itself,  quick  step.  There  needs  no 
drum  beat,  or  fife  to  play.  So  much  for  lawyers  ;  they  are 
under  way,  and  down  they  go. 

Every  .day  has  its  trumpery  of  opinions,  and  pursuits; 
obstinacies,  and  predilections.  4  The  more  free  the  people, 
the  more  prolific  are  these  fellows  ;  it  is  the  rank  growth  of 
freedom,  shewing  the  productive  energy  the  soil.  It  is 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  53 

the  alloy  of  the  current  coin.  But  we  have  seen  this  age 
pass  over,  and  now  is  the  age  of  economies.  A  man  wears 
spectacles,  or  a  clout  over  his  eyes  to  save  daylight,  his  shirt 
over  his  coat,  in  the  day  time,  and  sleeps  in  his  coat  to  save 
his  shirt.  A  sachem  runs  with  his  hinderparts  bare,  to  save 
breeches,  but  wastes  as  much  oil  to  keep  them  from  muske- 
toes  as  would  buy  overalls  to  cover  his  nakedness. 

Harum  Scarum,  said  the  governor,  you  are  an  extravagant 
fellow,  you  exagerate.  I  expect  better  things  from  the  peo 
ple,  said  Harum — true,  we  must  say  nothing  disrespectful  of 
the  people  !  We  had  the  age  of  swindlers  some  time  ago. 
Every  man  that  had  a  mountain,  or  no  matter  whether  he 
had  one  or  not,  sold  the  top  first,  and  then  the  bottom.  For 
though  your  lawyers  say,  that  Cujus  est  solum,  ejust  est  us 
que  ad  coelum  ;  yet  we  have  no  such  maxium  as  usque  ad 
Tartarum,  and  so  he  might  sell  the  bottom,  and  by  the  bye, 
represent  it  as  level,  and  well  watered,  which  he  could  not 
always  say,  with  a  good  conscience,  as  to  the  frustrum  of  the 
cone  whether  the  parabola,  or  the  hyperbola. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

Tlie  power  of  tlw  Judicary  to  decide  on  the  constitutionality  of 
a  Law. 

The  power  of  the  judicary  to  adjudge  a  law  unconstitu 
tional,  and  that  I  have  touched  on,  the  practicability  of  ad 
justing  civil  controversies  by  arbitration,  are  two  important 
legal  problems. 

On  the  first  point,  we  find  a  precedent  in  the  government  of 
the  Athenian  people.  I  shall  quoto  from  a  translation  of  the 
"  travels  of  Anacharsis  the  younger." 

"  Amidst  that  multitude  of  decrees,  we  see  from  time  to 
time  enacted  with  the  sanction  of  the  Senate  and  the  people, 
somo  there  are  in  manifest  contradiction  to  the  welfare  of  the 


54  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

state,  and  which  it  is  important  not  to  suffer  to  subsist.  But 
as  they  were  the  acts  of  the  legislative  power,  it  should  seem 
that  no  authority,  no  tribunal  is  competent  to  annul  them. 
The  people  themselves  should  not  attempt  it,  lest  the  orators 
who  have  already  taken  them  by  surprise,  should  again  mis 
lead  them.  What  resource  then  shall  there  be  for  the  repub 
lic?  A  law  singular  indeed  at  first  sight,  but  admirable  in 
its  nature,  and  so  essential  as  to  reduce  it,  impossible  either 
to  suppress  or  neglect  it,  without  destroying  the  democracy  ; 
I  mean  the  law  that  authorises  the  very  lowest  citizen  to  ap 
peal  from  a  judgment  of  the  whole  people,  whenever  he  is 
able  to  demonstate,  that  the  new  decree  is  contrary  to  the 
laws  already  established.  It  is  also  an  additional  check  to 
the  abuse  of  power  by  the  legislature." 

"Arbitrators  called  upon  to  decide  affairs  where  one  of  the 
parties  are  their  friends,  or  relations  might  be  tempted  to 
pronounce  an  iniquitous  judgment ;  in  such  cases  it  is  provi 
ded,  that  the  cause  may  be  removed  into  the  superior  eburts. 
They  might  also  permit  themselves  to  be  corrupted  by  pres 
ents,  or  influenced  by  private  prejudices ;  in  which  case  the 
injured  party  has  a  right  at  the  expiration  of  the  year  to 
prosecute  them  in  a  court  of  justice,  and  compel  them  to  de 
fend  and  shew  the  reasons  of  their  award.  The  arbitrators 
are  also  compelled  to  serve,  under  a  penalty." 

And  here  I  will  ask  what  is  the  trial  by  jury,  which  we 
have  hitherto  prized  so  highly,  but  arbitration  with  the  assis 
tance  of  the  court  composed  of  able  lawyers?  And  when 
there  is  an  appeal  from  the  compulsory  arbitration,  is  it  not 
a  return  to  that  made  of  trial,  and  consequently  an  admission 
that  there  has  been  no  improvement  on  it  ?  Still  I  grant, 
that  even  this  kind  of  arbitration  may  be  useful,  although  it 
should  not  supercede  the  jury  trial. 

"  In  these  circumstances,  it  is  the  invisible  sovereign,  it  is 
the  laws  which  loudly  protest  against  the  national  judgment 
that  has  violated  them  ;  it  is  in  the  name  of  the  laws  that  the 
accusation  is  brought  forward;  it  is  before  the  tribunal, 


MODERN    CHIVALKY.  55 

which  is  the  chief  depository  and  avenger  of  the  laws,  that 
it  is  prosecuted;  and  the  judges  by  setting  aside  the  decree, 
only  pronounce  that  the  authority  of  the  people  has  happen 
ed  to  clash  unintentionally  with  that  of  the  laws ;  or  rather 
they  maintain  the  ancient  and  permanent  decisions  of  the 
people  against  their  present  and  transient  inclinations." 

On  the  second  point,  I  meet  with  a  precedent,  in  the  same 
state,  the  Athenian,  and  I  quote  from  the  same  book.  "  I 
cannot  overlook  an  institution  which  appears  to  me  highly 
favorable  to  these,  who,  though  they  appeal  to  the  laws,  wish 
not  to  be  litigious.  Every  year  forty  inferior  judges  go  the 
circuit  through  the  different  towns  of  Attica,  hold  their  assi 
zes  there,  decide  on  certain  acts  of  violence,  and  terminate  all 
processes  for  small  sums,  referring  more  considerable  causes 
to  arbitration." 

"  These  arbitrators  are  all  persons  of  good  reputation, 
and  about  sixty  years  of  age.  At  the  end  of  every  year, 
they  are  drawn  by  lot,  out  of  each  tribe,  to  the  number  of 
forty-four. 

"  Persons  who  do  not  choose  to  expose  themsolves  to  the 
delays  of  ordinary  justice,  to  deposit  a  sum  of  money  previ 
ous  to  the  judgment,  or  to  pay  the  fine  (damages)  decreed 
against  the  plaintiff,  failing  in  his  proofs,  may  confide  their 
interest  to  one  or  more  arbitrators  nominated  by  themselves, 
or  whom  the  Archon  draws  by  lot  in  their  presence.  When 
the  arbitrators  are  of  their  own  choice,  they  take  an  oath  to 
abide  by  their  decision  for  which  they  cannot  appeal ;  but  if 
they  are  chosen  by  lot,  they  are  not  deprived  of  that  resource; 
and  the  arbitrators  inclose  the  depositions  of  the  witnesses, 
and  all  the  documents  of  the  process,  into  a  box,  which  they 
carefully  seal  up,  and  transmit  to  the  Archon,  whose  duty  it 
is  to  lay  the  cause  before  one  of  the  higher  tribunals." 

"  If  the  Archon  has  referred  the  matter  in  dispute  to  arbi 
trators  drawn  by  lot,  at  the  request  only  of  one  party,  the 
adverse  party  has  the  right,  either  to  demur  against  the  com 
petency  of  the  tribunals  or  to  allege  other  exceptions." 


56  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

CHAPTER    IX. 

In  wliich  tlie  author  relaxes  a  little  from  the  gravity  of  the  pr 
eceding  chapters. 

A  noise  was  heard  coming  down  the  town,  and  a  cavalcade 
accompanying.  It  was  Clonmel  the  ballad  singer  followed 
by  the  piper,  and  the  blind  fidler  ;  the  one  with  his  bag 
pipes ;  the  other  with  his  violin.  Will  Watlin  was  along 
and  had  a  bottle  in  his  hand  ;  Tom  the  Tinker,  O'Fin  the 
Irishman,  the  Latin  schoolmaster,  and  a  number  of  others- 
The  song  sung  was  as  follows : 

Come  gather  away  to  the  new  town, 
There's  nothing  but  lilting  there, 

And  piping  and  singing  and  dancing, 
Throughout  every  day  of  the  year. 

No  maid  that  comes  here  but  gets  married, 
Before  she  is  here  half  an  hour ; 

The  brown,  the  black,  or  the  hair  red, 
To  live  single  is  not  in  her  power. 

Come  gather  away,  &c. 

We  get  orr  provisions  for  nothing ; 
Just  knock  down  a  wolf  or  a  bear, 

The  wear  and  the  tear  of  our  clothing, 
A  dresse'd  skin,  or  just  in  the  hair. 

No  trouble,  no  bubble,  no  sweating, 
Like  people  that  live  in  the  smoke, 

We  catch  the  fresh  fish  with  a  netting, 
And  roasfr  them  just  under  the  oak. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

Our  governor  is  a  fine  fellow, 
Chief  justice  as  blind  as  a  bat ; 

The  governor  sometimes  gets  mellow, 
And  blinks  himself  like  a  cat. 

No  lawyers  are  here  but  a  couple, 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  57 

Just  enough  to  keep  up  the  breed, 

The  word  of  their  mouth  is  a  bubble, 
And  not  worth  a  copper  indeed. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

We  have  a  fine  printer,  a  devil, 
To  whack  at  their  fees  and  the  court, 

Because  that  the  rascals  can  give  ill 
Opinions  that  do  us  much  hurt. 

Good  fortune,  we  have  little  money, 
To  quarrel  and  law  suit  about ; 

So  turn  up  the  bottle  dear  honey, 
But  see  that  you  dont  drink  it  out. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

The  air  of  this  country  is  clearer, 
The  water  is  clearer  by  far, 

The  words  of  our  wooing  are  dearer, 
Such  words  as  a  body  can  spare ; 

When  we  smother  the  maids  with  our  kisses, 
And  they  smother  us  in  their  turn  ; 

I  swear  by  St.  Patrick  that  this  is, 
The  best  country  that  ever  was  born. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

The  lads  they  go  out  a  racooning, 
Or  take  at  a  squirrel  a  shot, 

If  they  knock  down  a  fowl  they  are  soon  in, 
To  show  what  a  fowl  they  have  got. 

Great  shame  to  the  Paddies  below  stairs, 
That  live  in  the  country  below, 

Lie  snoring,  and  sleeping  on  bolsters ; 
And  lounging,  one  cannot  tell  how. 

Come  gather,  &e. 

Up  to  the  mountains  bog-trotters  ; 
Our  shamrocks  are  fresh  and  are  green, 

Set  traps  for  your  beavers  and  otters, 
And  musk-rats  the  best  ever  seen. 
vol.  4,  5 


68  MODERN    CHIVALKY. 

Though  I  am  too  lazy  to  rough  it, 
And  go  to  the  waters  with  you, 

Because  I  have  had  just  enough  'f  it ; 
Don't  like  to  be  as  rich  as  a  Jew. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

Oh,  what  is  life  but  a  blister, 
Put  on  we  cannot  tell  where ; 

And  sorrow  herself  is  a  sister, 
To  thinking  and  much  taking  care. 

So  let  us  be  jovial  and  jolly, 
And  make  out  as  well  as  we  can ! 

Who  knows  whether  wisdom  or  folly, 
Makes  the  better  or  the  happier  man. 

Come  gather,  &c. 

The  drone  of  the  piper;  the  screeching  of  the  violin,  and 
the  voices  of  the  multitude,  made  such  a  noise,  that  one 
would  have  thought  they  were  in  Dublin ;  and  had  it  not  been 
that  Harum  Scarum,  looking  out,  saw  what  it  was,the  Gover 
nor  would  have  thought  of  issuing  his  proclamation  to  keep 
the  peace  ;  but  the  cause  being  understood,  there  was  found 
to  be  no  necessity,  and  the  secretary  with  the  leave  of  the 
Governor,  took  a  turn  with  them.  The  editor  of  the  journal 
ieeing  this,  came  out.  The  two  lawyers  filed  in,  a  pedlar, 
and  the  bog-trotter.  Being  all  together,  a  new  song  was 
struck  up,  and  the  whole  joined  in  the  chorus. 

Who  says  we're  not  of  all  trades, 
And  some  they  call  professions ; 

Who  wear  their  wigs  or  bald  heads, 
Scotch,  English,  Irish,  Hessians  ? 

The  lawyer  and  the  journal, 
Though  of  a  different  calling, 

And  long,  so  like  to  turn  all, 
To  tails  with  caterwauling. 

Yet  here  they  join  in  melody, 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

Walk  hand  in  hand  before  us. 

And  they  may  go  to  hell,  the  day 
They  spoil  the  general  chorus. 

The  bat  has  but  its  living, 
No  more  than  has  the  cat, 

The  carter  with  his  driving, 
Tis  all  he  can  get  at. 

The  tinker  lives  by  blowing, 
His  bellows  in  the  fire  ; 

The  lawyer  lives  by  throwing, 
His  snout  a  little  higher. 

• 

The  pedlar  goes  the  circuit, 

And  carries  his  small  pack, 

The  judge  has  harder  work  o'ts 
Impeachments  on  his  back. 

So  let  us  all  be  liberal, 
Let  one  another  live. 

Dick,  Harry,  Tom  and  Gabriel, 
Which  ever  way  they  drive. 

The  fidler  and  the  piper, 
The  flute  and  fife  agree. 

The  boatmen  or  the  skipper, 
Tis  all  the  same  to  me. 

O'Fin,  come  taste  the  jorum. 
And  Harum  Scarum  pledge, 

And  Horum  Harum  Horuin, 
Will  take  it  next  I'ngage. 

Here's  to  the  world  of  worthies, 
That  love  a  merry  song ; 

Let  all  your  topsy  turvys, 
Now  drink  and  hold  your  tongue. 


With  respect  to  the  fling  at  the  economies,  it  was  written 


60  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

currente  calamo,  and  in  the  way  of  pleasantry.  I  am  aware 
of  the  incapacity,  and  consequent  presumption  of  an  indivi 
dual  not  master  of  reasons  and  circumstances,  to  undertake 
to  judge  of  public  measures,  on  a  great  scale.  It  is  not  from 
between  decks  in  a  vessel  that  we  expect  to  hear  directions 
to  take  in  sail,  or  to  steer  upon  a  wind,  but  from  the  officer 
of  the  deck,  who  knows  the  ships  way,  what  sail  she  carries, 
and  sees  the  weather.  Carping  at  public  measures  we  do  not 
understand,  is  not  the  part  of  a  good  citizen.  I  have  no  res 
pect  for  the  mere  factious,  especially  when  the  country  is 
engaged  in  a  controversy  with  a  foreign  power.  At  the 
fame  time,  unless  there  is  a  perfect  freedom  of  opinion,  those 
at  the  helm,  will  be  at  a  loss  to  know  the  impressions  which 
public  measures  give,  and  mistake  silence  for  approbation. 
Hence  the  deceitful  calm,  succeeded  by  a  squall  as  sudden, 
as  destructive. 


CHAPTER  X. 

Which  treats  of  tlie  writings  of  Tom  Paine. 

Having  elsewhere  spoken  of  Tom  Paine,  I  take  occasion  to 
Bay  something  further  respecting  him.  I  have  said  he  was 
an  uncommon,  but  uninformed  man.  His  writings  during 
the  revolution  were  of  great  service  to  our  cause,  and  this 
was  owing  not  to  the  novelty,  or  originality  of  his  ideas,  but 
to  the  peculiar  felicity  of  his  style,  and  the  magic  of  his  wit, 
whbh  was  understood  by  every  one,  and  came  home  to  every 
mind.  If  he  had  not  written  his  work  against  the  Christian 
religion,  styled  the  "Age  of  Reason,"  he  might  have  been 
remembered  with  gratitude,  and  his  writings  have  retained 
the  same  rank  with  those  of  "  Junius." 

His  thoughts  on  the  subject  of  religion,  which  he  believed 
original,  had  all  existed  in  the  doubts  of  the  sceptic,  although 
never  expressed  in  the  same  popular  language  and  allusion. 
He  had  no  need  to  tsll  philosophers,  that. s<>me,  parts  of  it 


MODERN   CHIVALRY*.  61 

were  not  confirmed  by  the  progress  of  science ;  to  those  who 
had  got  over  the  difficulty,  it  was  of  no  use,  and  to  those  who 
had  never  got  into  it,  it  was  mischievous.  For  his  vote  in 
favor  of  Louis  XVI.  I  could  almost  regard  him  as  a  philan 
thropist,  if  his  motive,  and  walk  in  private  life  had  corres 
ponded.  If,  instead  of  his  assault  on  revealed  religion,  he 
had  given  us  a  volume  of  incidents,  depicting  with  his  pe 
culiar  felicity  of  style,  the  follies  and  outrages  of  the  French 
reign  of  terror  which  he  must  have  witnessed,  instead  of  a 
work  to  display  the  vanity  of  overturning  ancient  institutions, 
he  would  have  rendered  a  service  to  the  cause  of  rational 
liberty.  The  horrors  of  that  dreadful  state  of  anarchy,  with 
crop  after  crop  of  atrocities,  branching  through  every  vein 
and  artery  of  society.  Although  a  lover  of  liberty,  and  for  a 
time  entertaining  a  hope  of  something  better  than  the  'reign 
of  the  Bourbons,  yet  I  was  so  disgusted  with  the  scenes  of 
the  French  revolution,  during  the  excesses  of  that  period, 
that  I  could  not  bear  to  read  a  paragraph  of  French  news.  I 
saw  where  it  would  end — it  could  not  but  end  in  despotism.* 
Tom  Paine  had  not  considered  man's  nature,  in  the  tearing  up 
of  institutions  by  the  roots.  It  is  easier  to  pull  down  than  to 
build  up.  In  tearing  down  you  destroy  the  good  with  the 
bad,  and  you  have  no  certainty  as  to  what  may  be  erected  in 
its  place.  It  is  very  much  like  burning  the  barn  to  get  rid  of 
the  rats,  or  plowing  up  a  field  of  corn,  to  destroy  the  weeds. 

Even  supposing  the  representation  of  the  theologians  to  be 
unsupported  by  sound  reasoning,  why  dissepate  an  illusion, 
which  is  a  source  of  so  much  relief  under  present  suffering, 
and  holds  out  so  high  a  hope  to  the  believer,.. doing  no  injury 
to  the  order  of  society,  but  tending  to  preserve  peace  and 
harmony.  He  should  have  left  the  priests  alone,  who  had 
trouble  enough  without  the  enmity  of  Thomas  Paine. 

If  we  reject  revelation    altogether,  there  is    an    end    of 

*  We  see  the  same  result  at  the  present  day,  whether  this  is  to 
be  ascribed  to  the  want  of  checks  and  balances  in  the  govern, 
rnent,  or  to  the  character  of  the  people,  it  is  difficult  to  say. 
vol.  4,  5* 


62  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

religion,  for  the  heathen  mythology,  was  only  the  belief  of 
the  vulgar  among  the  ancients.  If  we  could  ircpauel  a  jury 
of  snch  men  as  Plato,  Socrates,  Cicero,  Aristotle,  Epatchs, 
and  Seneca,  it  cannot  be  doubted  that  they  would  give  their 
verdict  for  the  Christian  over  the  Mahometan,  or  Jewish 
religions.  The  only  question  would  be  between  the  three, 
and  no  religion  at  all. 

At  the  same  time,  I  have  no  respect  for  those  narrow 
minded  bigots,  who  are  constantly  alarmed  at  the  progress  of 
science.  They  are  only  sceptics  of  another  kind.  They 
unconsciously  betrayed  doubt,  and  want  of  confidence,  by 
their  efforts  to  avert  investigation.  These  are  the  men  who 
uphold  witchcraft,  and  the  revolution  of  the  sun,  through 
fear  that  the  contrary  may  be  inconsistent  with  particular 
passages  of  scripture.  We  must  look  at  the  general  scope 
and  object  of  revelations  which  have  reference  to  those  things 
which  science  and  mere  unassisted  reason  cannot  reveal. 
When  Plato  read  his  dialogue  on  the  immortality  of  the  soul, 
all  his  school  rose  up  save  Aristotle — I  presume  the  logical 
mind  of  the  youth  thought  the  reasoning  unsatisfactory. — 
Those  who  accept  it  as  a  truth  revealed,  have  no  need  of  in 
quiring  further. 


~"  ~~  •*  «i 

CHAPTER    XI. 

The  lay  preacher  is  appointed  Chaplain  by  the  Governor. 

The  lay  preacher  having  been  announced  by  the  faculty, 
sui  compos,  and  come  to  his  reason,  had  been  dismissed  from 
the  hospital,  and  had  come  to  the  new  settlement.  This  was 
now  a  kind  of  Botany  Bay  to  the  old  country,  with  this  differ 
ence,  that  here  the  outcasts  came  voluntarily,  but  there  of 
force.  The  Governor  received  the  lay  preacher  with  courtesy, 
and  made  him  his  chaplain.  The  Sunday  following,  he 
preached  to  a  numerous  congregation  in  the  chapel,  in  the 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  63 

Woods.  His  discourse  was  taken  down  in  short  hand  by  the 
editor  of  the  "  Twilight,"  and  has  appeared  in  his  paper.  As 
it  would  seem  worth  preserving,  we  have  copied  it  and  given 
it  in  this  work. 

THE    SERMON. 

Shadracli,  Meskech,  and  Abednego. — Dan.  iii.  12. 

These  are  the  Hebrew  names  for  Tom,  Dick  and  Harry,  and 
applicable  to  this  settlement,  which  is  a  colluvies  of  all  na 
tions  :  Mac's,  O's,  and  Ap's  ;  Erse,  Irish  and  Welsh.  But  as 
in  a  garden,  a  variety  of  seeds  and  plants, is  desirable,  so  in 
a  settlement  where  the  human  species  is  about  to  be  cultiva 
ted,  and  this  not  only  for  the  sake  of  what  pleases  the  fancy, 
but  what  is  useful  for  the  kitchen,  or  for  medicine  :  so  let  no 
uncharitableness  prevail  among  you,  and  one  cast  up  to  the 
other,  his  origin,  former  occupation,  or  character.  I  presume 
there  would  oe  but  little  to  gain  or  lose  on  a  fair  balance, 
and  set-off,  as  the  lawyers  say  among  you.  But  it  is  best  to 
consider  all  accounts  squared,  and  set  out  in  a  new  partner 
ship. 

It  falls  to  the  lot  of  my  function,  to  see  what  good  advice  I 
can  give  ;  for  it  is  by  admonition  only  that  I  can  serve  the 
commonwealth.  I  shall  content  myself  with  some  things 
merely  temporal. 

The  sin  that  most  easily  besets  a  new  settler  is  laziness,  or, 
to  give  it  a  more  civil  term,  indolence.  He  gets  the  means  of 
life  easily :  he  sets  a  trap  over  night ;  or  he  goes  out  with 
his  gun  in  the  morning,  and  kills  game.  The  flesh  serves  for 
food,  and  the  skin  for  covering.  The  soil  is  fertile,  and  yields 
some  thirty,  some  forty,  some  sixty,  and  some  an  hundred 
fold.  This  just  by  a  little  stirring  of  the  hoe.  For  you  must 
know  that  I  myself  have  been  brought  up  in  a  new  settle 
ment,  and  know  the  history  of  such.  Though  that  settle 
ment,  in  which  I  was  brought  up,  is  now  an  hundred  miles 
below  us,  not  by  the  sinking  of  the  earth,  but  by  the  frontier 


64  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

pushing  back,  and  settling  beyond  it.  Indolence,  I  know,  is 
a  vice  of  that  situation.  For  necessity  is  the  mother  of  in 
vention,  and  impels  to  labour* 

"  Duris  in  rebus  urgens  agestas." 
said  the  Latin  schoolmaster, 

"  Improbus  labor  omnia  vincit." 

Drive  out  that  fellow  there,  said  the  sexton.  He  disturbs 
the  congregation. 

The  preacher  proceeded. 

Now,  if  a  man  can  live  without  working,  he  will  not  work. 
The  cattle  of  a  settler  browzes  in  the  woods,  and  subsists 
even  in  the  winter  without  other  shelter  or  food,  than  the 
under-wood,  and  such  shrubbery  as  covers  the  head  of  a 
valley,  where  the  soil  is  dry,  and  the  spring  rises.  The 
wilderness  obstructs  the  course  of  the  winter  winds,  and  the 
cabin  is  warm  on  the  south  side  of  the  hill.  Hence  the 
temptation  to  indolence. 

But  there  is  a  worse  sin  that  easily  besets  the  settler  in  a 
new  country  ;  these  especially  that  settle  in  a  town,  where 
there  is  usually  a  tavern,  a  store,  and  a  race  ground  for  the 
horse  jockies.  This  sin  is  intemperance.  Horse  jockeying, 
shooting  matches,  and  all  elections,  are  an  inlet  to  this.  Show 
me  a  man  that  frequents  the  county  town  much,  and  I  will 
show  you  one  that  is  in  the  way  to  contract  a  habit  of  intoxi 
cation.  The  little  peltry  he  may  have  got  to  buy  himself  a 
hunting  shirt,  or  a  little  tea  and  sugar,  for  his  family,  goes 
into  the  whiskey  bottle. 

Now  to  the  application,  said  Harum  Scarum,  this  will  do 
for  the  body  of  the  sermon. 

As  to  application,  said  the  preacher,  I  will  leave  that  to 
every  man  to  make  for  himself.  You  can  all  apply  the  doc 
trine  as  well  as  I  can. 

"Non  omnia  possumus  omnes." 
said  the  Latinist. 

Will  not  that  fellow  be  quiet  yet  ?  said  the  sexton,  drive 
him  out. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  65 

By  the  bye  he  was  out  already,  for  the  woods- was  all  the 
chapel  that  they  had;  and  a  rising  ground  for  the  pulpit  ; 
but  the  sexton  meant  to  remove  him  from  the  circle  ;  and 
it  was  so  understood  ;  for  they  pushed  him  back  to  some  dis 
tance. 

The  governor  reprimanded  Harum  Scarum  for  his  inter 
ruption,  also ;  for  though  this  could  be  considered  but  as  a 
substitute  for  preaching,  until  a  regular  clergyman  came 
forward ;  yet,  in  the  mean  time,  the  rules  of  propriety  ought 
to  be  observed,  and  interruption  or  desultory  dialogue  was 
.improper. 

Harum  Scarum  asked  pardon,  but  wished  the  preacher 
would  stick  a  little  more  to  his  text,  and  illustrate  the  words 
"  Shadrach,  Meshach  and  Abednego." 

The  preacher  said  he  had  done  that  already,  and  would 
rot  return  to  it ;  but,  as  the  usual  time  had  elapsed,  he 
would  now  end  his  discourse. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

Containing  a  dessertation  on  common  sense,  tlie  most  uncom 
mon  of  all  kinds  of  sense. 

After  thinking  a  good  deal  upon  what  might  be  given  as  a 
definition  of  common  sense ;  in  other  words,  what  phrase 
might  be  substituted  in  lieu  of  it  ;  for  that  is  what  is  meant 
by  a  definition :  I  would  try  whether  the  phrase  natural 
judgment  would  not  do.  Getting  up  a  little  in  the  world,  and 
examining  mankind,  there  was  nothing  that  struck  me  so 
much,  as  to  find  men,  though  eminent  in  a  profession,  seem 
ing  to  want  judgment  in  matters  of  knowledge,  which  was 
common  to  me  with  them.*  I  took  it  for  granted,  that  it  was 

*  On  the  trial  of  Blannerhasset,  a  witness  was  asked  whether 
Mr.  B.  was  not  a  man  of  superior  understanding,  he  replied  ho 
had  all  kind  of  sense  except  common  sense  ! 


66  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

owing  to  the  mind  being  so  much  employed  in  a  particular 
way.  That  is  a  good  deal  in  this.  For  a  mathematician,  capa 
ble  of  demonstrating  all  the  problems  of  Euclid  ;  and  even 
of  inventing  shorter  and  clearer  methods  of  demonstration, 
may  be  incapable  of  comparing  ideas,  and  drawing  conclu 
sions  on  a  matter  of  domestic  economy  or  national  concern. 
For  though  a  great  deal  may  be  owing  to  a  knowledge  of  the 
particular  subject,  and  a  habit  of  thinking  upon  it;  yet  as 
much  or  more  depends  upon  the  natural  judgment.  I  will 
select  the  instance  of  a  lawyer,  because  it  is  in  that  profession, 
that  I  have  had  an  opportunity,  the  most,  of  examining  the 
original  powers  of  the  mind.  In  this  profession  I  have 
found  those  of  the  highest  reputation  of  legal  knowledge, 
and  who  were  so,  and  yet  were  not  the  most  successful  in 
particular  causes.  The  reason  was,  that  though  they  had  a 
knowledge  of  rules,  they  failed  in  the  application  of  them 
and  had  not  given  good  advice,  in  bringing  or  defending  the 
action  in  which  they  had  been  consulted.  Or  whether  the 
cause  were  good  or  bad,  they  had  wanted  judgment  in  con 
ducting  it.  The  attempting  to  maintain  untenable  ground  ; 
or  the  points  upon  which  they  put  the  case,  showed  a  want 
of  judgment.  It  is  the  same  thing  in  the  case  of  a  judge. 
The  knowledge  of  all  law  goes  but  a  little  way  to  the  discern 
ing  the  justice  of  the  cause.  Because  the  application  of  the 
rule  to  the  case,  is  the  province  of  judgment.  Hence  it  is 
that  if  my  cause  is  good,  and  I  am  to  have  my  choice  of  two 
judges,  the  one  of  great  legal  science,  but  deficient  in  natural 
judgment;  the  other  of  good  natural  judgment,  but  of  no 
legal  knowledge,  I  would  take  the  one  that  had  what  we  call 
common  sense.  For  though  I  could  not  have  a  perfect  con 
fidence  in  the  decision  of  one  or  the  other,  yet  I  would  think 
my  chance  best  with  the  one  that  had  common  sense.  If  my 
cause  was  bad,  I  might  think  I  stood  some  chance  with  the 
learned  judge,  deficient  in  natural  judgment.  An  ingenious 
advocate  would  lead  off  his  mind,  upon  some  quibble,  and 
calling  that  law,  flatter  him  Up0n  his  knowing  the  law,  and 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  67 

lest  his  knowledge  of  it  should  be  called  in  question,  the 
learned  judge  might  determine  for  him.  For  there  is  noth 
ing  that  alarms  a  dunce  so  much  as  the  idea  of  reason.  It  is 
a  prostrating  principal  that  puts  him  upon  a  level  with  the 
bulk  of  mankind.  The  knowledge  of  an  artificial  rule  sets 
him  above  these,  and  is,  therefore  maintained  by  him  with 
all  the  tenacity  of  distinguishing  prerogative. 

But  it  does  not  follow,  that  I  undervalue  legal  knowledge 
in  a  lawyer,  or  judge,  or  resolve  all  into  common  sense  in 
that  or  any  other  profession  or  occupation. 

I  select,  in  the  next  instance,  that  of  a  physician.  What 
can  one  do  in  this  profession,  without  medical  knowledge? 
And  yet  without  good  sense,  the  physician  is  as  likely  to  kill 
as  to  cure.  It  is  the  only  means  that  0113  v,  ho  is  not  a  physi 
cian  himself  has  to  judge  of  the  skill  of  one  who  calls  him 
self  such,  what  appears  to  be  the  grade  of  his  mind,  and  his 
understanding  upon  common  subjects.  We  say,  he  does  not 
appear  to  have  common  sense ;  how  can  he  be  trusted  in  his 
profession  ?  Common  sense,  I  take  to  be,  therefore,  judgment 
upon  common  subjects ;  and  that  degree  of  it  which  falls  to 
the  share  of  the  bulk  of  mankind.  For  even  amongst  the 
common  people,  we  speak  of  mother  wit,  which  is  but  ano 
ther  name  for  common  sense.  If  I  were  to  be  requested  to 
look  for  a  man  of  &ense,  I  should  be  as  apt  to  find  him  on  the 
tailor's  board  as  on  the  judge's  bench. 

Clergy  wit,  is  that  of  school  learning  ;  or  the  lessons  of 
science,  in  which  a  dunce  may  be  eminent.  For  it  requires 
but  memory  and  application.  But  the  adage  is  the  dictate 
of  experience,  and  the  truth  of  it  is  eternal,  "An  ounce  of 
mother  wit  is  worth  a  pound  of  clergy." 

We  speak  of  an  egregious  blockhead,  and  say,  he  has  not 
even  common  sense  :  that  is,  he  has  not  the  very  thing  that  ia 
necessary  to  begin  with  ;  and  which  every  person  is  usually 
endowed  with,  that  has  the  proportions  of  the  human  form. 
It  seems  to  be  something  bordering  on  instinct,  and  resem- 


68  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

bles  it  in  the  uniformity  and  certainty  of  its  operations.  It 
is  that  without  which,  it  is  not  worth  while  attempting  to 
make  a  great  man.  What  is  a  general  without  common 
sense— that  is,  natural  judgment?  But  why  talk  of  generals, 
or  lawyers,  or  judges  or  go  so  far  from  home?  Where  we 
see,  as  we  sometimes  do,  the  want  of  natural  judgment,  in 
the  management  of  a  man's  own  affairs,  on  a  small  scale  ; 
whether  of  manufactures,  or  farming,  wo  say  that  he  cannot 
succeed  ;  and  in  general,  though  not  always,  the  want  of 
success  in  common  pursuits,  is  owing  to  inexperience,  or  a 
want  of  natural  judgment.  A  labourer  once  worked  two 
months  with  me  to  buy  a  cow  for  the  use  of  his  family,  but 
instead  of  the  cow,  bought  himself  a  broad-cloth  coat,  when 
a  woolen  wambus  would  have  answered  as  well.  He  soon 
after  complained  that  his  family  was  suffering  for  want  of 
food.  So  the  quibbling  In  a  matter  of  contract ;  the  evasion 
of  fulfilment,  is  a  want  of  natural  judgment.  I  think  the  poet 
says, 

"The  want  of  honesty  is  want  of  sense." 

There  can  be  nothing  more  true.  And  I  think  it  is  remarka 
ble,  that  in  those  divine  writings,  which  we  call,  by  way  of 
eminence,  the  scriptures,  dishonesty  is  called  folly ;  and 
honesty  wisdom.  In  truth,  I  feel  at  times  almost  as  much 
indignation  against  a  fool  as  against  a  rogue,  and  it  is  even 
doubtful  which  is  the  most  mischievous.  I  hear  of  one  hav 
ing  the  reputation  of  being  simply  a  man  of  sense  ;  I  cannot 
well  conceive  a  higher  testimony  in  his  favor,  no  matter  what 
may  be  his  situation  in  life. 

Common  sense  is  that  degree  of  understanding  which  is  given 
to  men  in  general,  though  some  are  peculiarly  favoured  with 
uncommon  powers.  But  no  man  can  be  said  to  have  com 
mon  sense,  who  is  a  knave.  For,  of  all  things,  it  is  the 
strongest  proof  of  a  want  of  judgment  npon  an  extensive 
scale.  Had  I  the  world  to  begin  again,  with  all  the  experi 
ence  that  years  have  given  me,  and  were  to  think  myself  at 
liberty,  from  all  considerations  of  duty  or  obligation  ;  yet,  on 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  GO 

the  principle  of  self-interest,  I  would  be  honest,  and  exceed, 
rather  than  come  short,  in  giving  to  all  their  due.  For  it  is 
the  adage,  and  as  true  as  any  of  the  apothegms  that  we  hear, 
that  honesty  is  the  best  policy.  Indeed  all  the  rujfg  of  mor 
ality  are  but  maxims  of  prudence.  They  all  lead  to  self-pre 
servation  ;  arid  had  they  no  other  foundation,  they  would 
rest  upon  this,  as  sufficient  to  support  them.  The  discerning 
mind  sees  its  interest  as  clear  as  a  ray  of  light,  leading  it  to 
do  justice.  Let  me  see  any  man  quibble  aud  evade,  cheat  or 
defraud,  and  I  do  not  say  constructively,  and  with  a  refer 
ence  to  a  future  state,  but  in  relation  to  this  life,  and  hia 
temporal  affairs,  that  he  is  unwise ;  that  is,  be  wants  the 
judgment  to  perceive  his  true  interest.  This  is  the  presump* 
tion  ;  and  when  knavery  is  found  to  consist  with  strong 
powers,  I  resolve  it  into  defect  of  fortitude,  or  want  of  reso 
lution,  to  be  what  the  man  must  know  he  ought  to  be.  The 

Video  meliora  proboque 

Deteriora  sequor 

"  I  know  the  right,  approve  it  too, 

Condemn  the  wrong,  but  still  the  wrong  pursue," 

Is  correct.  Present  gain  is  preferred  to  future  good :  like 
the  savage  who  wishes  the  tree  cut  down,  that  he  may  have  all 
the  fruit  at  one  season.  The  feelings  of  resentment,  or  of 
love  and  strong  passions,  ambition  or  avarice,  like  tempests 
on  the  ocean  take  away  the  presence  of  mind,  and  baffle  the 
skill  of  the  navigator.  Therefore  my  reasoning  does  not  ap 
ply  in  cases  where  the  passions  are  concerned,  but  in  a  case 
of  dispassionate  judging,  as  in  a  matter  of  meum  and  tuum, 
between  indifferent  persons;  or  where  the  question  may  be, 
by  what  means  an  object  is  most  directly  attainable,  the 
strength  of  natural  judgment,  or  common  sense,  shows  itself. 
Where  the  crooked  path  is  chosen,  or  the  false  conception  is 
entertained,  we  say  there  is  a  want  of  common  sense. 

In  throwing  out  these  reflections  of  a  moral  nature,  I  re 
fresh  myself  a  little  in  the  course  of  my  memoir,  and  present 
a  chapter,  now  and  then,  like  an  Oasis  in  the  great  sands  of 
Africa :  here  the   reader,  like  the  Caravan,   may  stop  for  a 
vol.  4,  4* 


70  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

little  time,  and  taste  the  cool  spring,  or  nibble  a  pile  of  grass; 
and  go  on  again.  In  short,  all  other  parts  of  my  book  will 
appear  to  some,  a  wide  waste,  producing  nothing  profitable. 
To  them,  a  green  spot  of  moral  truth,  now  and  then  occurring, 
will  reconcile  to  the  traversing  the  desert ;  or  rather,  in  pass 
ing  the  sands,  will  give  relief.  Were  it  not  that  I  am  afraid 
of  lessening  too  much  the  chapters  of  amusement,  and  so 
losing  readers,  it  would  be  more  agreeable  to  my  own  mind 
to  moralize  more.  But  I  must  not  forget,  that  it  is  only  by 
means  of  amusing,  that  I  could  get  readers  ;  or  have  an  op 
portunity  of  reaching  the  public  with  my  lecture.  This  will 
be  as  it  may  ;  but  it  has  always  been  amongst  my  apologies 
for  this  play  of  fancy,  in  which  I  have  so  much  indulged  my 
imagination. 

I  add  a  thought  or  two  on  the  subject  treated  of  in  the 
beginning  of  this  chapter,  common  sense.  We  find  in  the 
poet  Horace,  Sat.  1.  line  66,  this  expression: 

"  Communi  sensu  plane  caret" 

He  wants  common  sense.  The  poet  applies  it  to  his  own 
case,  as  what  might  be  said  of  him,  when  at  any  time  he  had 
interrupted  unseasonably  his  patron,  Maecenas,  when  reading, 
or  intruded  upon  him  when  engaged  in  business. 

"  Simplicior  quis,  et  est  qualem  me  ssepe  legentem 
Aut  taciturn,  impellat  quovis  sermone  molestus  ? 
This  had  evinced  a  want  of  attention  to  circumstances,  and 
so  far,  a  defect  of  judgment.      A  want  of  discrimination,  it 
may  be  inferred,  is  a  want  of  common  sense,  a  want  of  that 
which  is  the  foundation  of  manners,  as  well  as  morals,  as  it 
is  the  source  of  prudence,   and  true  wisdom  in  thought  and 
action. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

Indian  hostilities—  a  war  party  attacks  the  settlement — is  pur 
sued,  and  Teague  by  accident  becomes  a  hero,  and  is  made  a 
general. 
The  frontier  settlers,  as  usual  were  at  war  with  the  neigh- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  71 

bouring  Indians.  These  were  robbed  of  their  beaver,  their 
hunting  grounds  were  invaded,  and  in  revenge  they  took  the 
scalps  of  the  whites,  man,  woman  or  child,  wherever  they 
could.  A  party  had  lately  broken  into  the  settlement,  and 
dislodged  several  families,  scalping,  killing,  and  burning,  and 
then  hastily  retreating.  A  party  of  settlers  had  gone  out>in 
pursuit,  and  among  the  rest  was  Teague.  The  bog-trotter 
reflecting  with  himself,  that  the  savages  were  not  likely  to 
be  overtaken,  and  so  no  great  danger  of  fighting  in  the  case, 
did  not  greatly  hesitate  to  be  one  ;  inasmuch  as  if  they  should 
overtake  these  freebooters,  there  was  such  a  thing  as  running 
from  them,  as  well  as  after  them.  But  after  a  few  hours 
march,  coming  upon  a  trail  of  these,  which  appeared  to  have 
crossed  the  settlement  in  a  transverse  direction,  the  word 
Indians  was  given  ;  which  Teague  no  sooner  heard,  than  he 
began  to  retrace  his  steps  with  some  alacrity.  It  was  on  a 
ridge  or  bend  of  a  hill ;  the  Indians  crossing  the  hill,  had 
gone  into  the  valley,  and  came  round  again  nearly  to  the 
place  where  the  whites  had  ascended  it.  It  happened  there 
fore  very  naturally,  that  the  Indians  and  the  bog-trotter, 
though  neither  meaning  it,  had  fallen  in  with  each  other ; 
the  bog-trotter  on  the  flank  of  the  Indians.  It  had  been  for 
the  sake  of  water  to  boil  their  kettles,  that  these  savages  had 
gone  down  to  the,  valley  and  encamped  the  night  before. 
Being  now  on  their  way  to  regain  their  direction,  it  happen 
ed  that  they  came  into  the  rear  of  the  party  pursuing  them. 
The  bog-trotter  had  by  this  time  accelerated  his  speed  con 
siderably,  and  the  declivity  of  the  bill  was  such  that  he  found 
it  impossible  to  arrest  himself,  being  under  the  impetus  of 
the  projectile  motion  which  he  had  acquired,  coming  on  them 
so  unexpectedly,  and  seeing  nothing  before  him  but  death 
from  the  tomahawks  of  at  least  thirty  Indians,  he  raised  the 
tremendous  shout  of  desperation  ;  which  the  savages  mistak 
ing  for  the  cry  of  onset,  as  is  customary  with  them  when 
they  are  sure  of  victory,  to  raise  the  war-whoop  ;  magnify 
ing  the  shout  by  their  imaginations  into  that  of  a  large  party 


72  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

overtaking  them,  they  threw  away  their  packs  and  scalps, 
and  made  their  way  towards  the  Irdian  country  ;  not  doubt 
ing  but  that  the  whole  settlement  was  in  pursuit  of  them. 

When  the  party  of  whites  came  up  to  the  brow  of  the  hill, 
and  saw  the  bog-trotter  in  possession  of  the  ground  and  the 
booty,  they  took  it  for  granted,  that  singly  and  alone  he  had 
discomiitted  the  indians.  It  was  a  divel  of  an  engagement 
said  he  ;  by  de  holy  father,  I  must  have  shot  at  least  a  hund 
red  of  dem  ;  but  de  fun  o'  de  world  was  to  see  de  spalpeens 
carrying  of  de  wounded  on  deir  backs  like  shape  stalers. — 
And  did  you  stay  so  long  back  and  not  come  to  de  battle?  Oh !  if 
I  had  had  two  or  tree  good  tight  boys  along  wid  me,  when  I 
came  up  wid  dem,  I  could  have  kilt  de  whole,  or  made  dem 
prisoners.  Bad  luck  to  ye,  if  it  wasn't  for  de  shame  o'  de 
ting  upon  de  country,  I  would  have  a  court  martial  upon  de 
matter;  but  as  to  de  packs  and  de  booty,  it  is  all  my  own.  I 
had  taken  dem  before  you  come  up  ;  and  the  divil  a  hand 
had  you  in  de  victory. 

This  was  not  disputed,  and  the  matter  was  accommodated, 
on  its  being  agreed  that  nothing  more  should  be  said  about 
the  court  martial. 

Though  upon  a  small  scale  this  was  thought  a  very  bril 
liant  affair  of  the  bog-trotter.  A  sword  was  offered  him,  and 
there  was  a  talk  of  making  him  a  major-general.  In  a  re 
publican  government,  the  honest  souls  of  the  people  are 
lavish  of  their  gratitude  ;  though  they  sometimes  mistake  the 
merit,  or  demerit  of  services.  And  how  can  it  otheiwise  be 
when  the  people  cannot  themselves  be  all  present  to  see  what 
is  done  ;  nor,  if  they  were  present,  and  could  see,  are  tho 
bulk  capable  of  judging  in  what  case  success  is  to  be  attribu 
ted  to  design  or  to  accident;  and  indeed  where  the  design 
and  execution  may  have  been  all  that  human  foresight  and 
resolution  could  promise  oc  perform,  yet  the  event  may  have 
been  unfortunate.  Fortune  de  guerre,  applied  to  an  individ 
ual,  may  be  applied  to  measures.  There  is  a  fatality  in  some 
cases  that  baffles  the  wisest  councils,  and  the  most  heroic 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  73 

enterprize;  and  again  a  kind  of  magic,  or  something  like  a 
charm  that  turns  to  account  what  in  nature  and  the  ordinary 
course,  ought  to  have  produced  nothing  but  disappointment, 
and  the  reverse  of  what  has  come  to  pass.  Old  generals  are 
not  always  the  most  successful,  because  they  are  afraid  of 
accident  and  leave  too  little  to  chance,  while  the  know  nothing, 
fear  nothing,  has  oftentimes  been  the  secret  of  fortunate  ad 
venture. 

When  it  has  been  said  that  men  have  been  taken  from  thd 
plough,  and  put  at  the  head  of  armies,  it  does  not  mean  that 
they  have  been  taken  from  drawing  the  plough,  in  the  man 
ner  of  oxen  or  draft  cattle ;  but  that  they  have  been  taken 
from  holding  the  plough,  while  these  averia  carucse,  or  beasts 
of  the  plough,  not  liable  to  be  distrained  by  the  common  law, 
drew  the  plough.  I  cannot  cite  an  instance  of  those  actu 
ally  in  traces,  being  cut  from  these,  and  turning  out  great 
generals;  but  it  could  not  be  said  to  be  far  from  this  in  some 
instances.  It  is  certain,  that  one  may  take  a  hundred  diplo 
mas,  and  still  be  a  dunce.*  For  nature  is  above  all  art,  and 
let  what  will  be  said  about  discipline,  a  little  mother  wit,  as 
in  all  other  sciences,  goes  farther  to  make  a  great  commaiid- 
er,  than  tactics  without  it.  The  theory  of  keeping  the  head 
upright,  and  handling  the  firelock,  is  doubtless  a  good  lesson 
to  begin  with  ;  and  the  positions  of  the  body,  and  the  move 
ments  of  the  feet,  are  beyond  all  question,  useful  to  be  taught 
to  the  young  soldier;  and  on  these  will  depend  facing  and 
forming  ;  wheeling,  or  flanking  off  with  slow  or  quick  move 
ments.  But  with  all  this,  the  general  has  little  to  do.  It  is 
the  office  of  the  drill  sergeant,  and  the  adjutant  of  the  regi 
ment,  or  of  the  subalterns  and  officers  inferior  to  a  general. 


*  Franklin  was  self-taught — Priestly  was  highly  educated — 
Washington  was  self  taught — Burgoyne  was  an  elegant  scholar 
— Hamilton  was  self  taught — Madison  had  all  the  advantages  of 
the  college.  We  might  run  these  paralels  without  end — Clay 
and  Webster,  our  two  best  orators  would  form  one  of  those,  one 
self  taught,  the  other  educated, 
vol.  4,  5 


?4  MODERN   :HIVALRV. 

It  lakes  a  long  time  to  be  perfect  in  these  ;  but  the  eye  that 
can  choose  a  ground,  that  can  arrange  and  dispose  a  force,  a 
mind  that  can  reach  the  exigencies  of  the  day  with  foresight, 
relieve  and  remedy  unforseen  accidents,  make  the  general. 
A  weak  mind,  and  slow  perception,  with  all  the  tactics  that 
can  be  taught,  and  all  the  lessons,  from  experience,  that  can 
be  given,  whether  from  reading  or  seeing  service,  can  go  but 
a  little  way.  A  military  man  may  have  Folard  in  his  head, 
with  all  the  notes  that  may  have  been  written  upon  him,  and 
yet  be  unequal  to  the  conduct  of  an  army  ;  for  general  rules 
cannot  in  their  nature  be  always  applied  to  particular  cases  > 
and  something  new  in  most,  if  not  in  all,  will  occur  to  diver 
sify  the  situation,  go  that  good  sense  and  natural  judgment, 
is  the  first  thing  to  be  considered  in  the  appointment  of  one 
who  is  to  conduct  an  expedition.  But  it  is  not  an  easy  matter, 
or  rather  it  is  not  posssible  to  discover  and  select  such,  with 
certainty,  for  officers,  at  the  commencement  of  a  war.  Some, 
like  Clive,  are  born  generals,  but  they  are  not  met  with  often* 
The  pressure  of  affairs  must  throw  them  up,  as  the  element 
of  air  rises  when  terrene  substances  subside.  A  war  alono 
can  find  out  choice  spirits  to  whom  a  command  may  be  en 
trusted.  For  a  long  time  merit  may  be  obscured,  and  talents 
remain  undistinguished,  while  even  cowardice  and  blunders 
may,  in  a  particular  instance,  give  a  temporary  reputation. 
When  I  am  told  that  such  a  one  is  reputed,  simply  a  man  of 
sense,  I  think  I  see  a  foundation  or  groundwork,  which  gives 
me  assurance  that  that  person  may  be  trusted  any  where, 
and  without  it,  there  is  little  confidence  in  any  thing  he  may 
be  engaged  to  perform. 

Teague  was  spoken  of  as  a  major-general,  when  he  ought 
to  have  been  dismissed  the  service,  could  the  truth  have  been 
ascertained.  But  appearances  were  in  his  favour  ;  for  who 
could  think  that,  but  for  the  most  desperate  courage,  he 
would  have  attacked  sixty  or  an  hundred  Indians — fifty  or 
sixty,  at  least,  it  was  said?  For,  the  prisoners  rescued, 
spoke  of  there  being  that  number.  These  prisoners,  chiefly 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  75 

consisting  of  individuals  half  dead,  were  incapable  of  dis 
tinguishing  the  circumstance  of  the  bog-trotter,  being  preci 
pitated  upon  their  captors  by  an  involuntary  centripetal  force; 
or  the  ell  of  despair,  from  that  of  desperate  resolution.  And 
as  their  gratitude  was  lively  for  their  deliverance,  they  yield 
ed  to  no  cold  examination  of  the  manner  in  which  it  was 
brought  about.  As  for  Teague,  like  Achilles,  he  claimed 
every  thing  for  himself — 

Nihil  non  arrogat  armis* 

Though  but  of  the  grade  of  a  corporal  when  he  went  out, 
he  now  thought  himself  entitled  to  be  made  general  O'Regan. 
He  had  at  this  time,  certain  it  is,  the  perfect  confidence  of  the 
people,  who  were  clamorous  for  his  appointment,  and  indeed 
he  might  be  said  to  be  forced  upon  the  governor. 

Teague,  said  the  governor,  you  know  that  you  are  no  such 
kill-devil  as  the  people  take  you  to  be.  This  affair  of  yours 
was  but  matter  of  accident ;  and  instead  of  being  promoted, 
you  ought  to  have  been  broke  for  it.  Were  you  not  actually 
running  away  when  you  fell  in  with  the  indians  ? 

Love  your  soul,  now,  said  the  bog-trotter,  that  is  always  de 
way  wid  your  honour,  to  make  noting  of  de  greatest  battle 
dat  was  ever  fought  since  de  times  of  de  ould  wars  in  Ireland, 
when  Phelim  O'Nale  kilt  a  hunder  men  wid  his  great  soord, 
and  dey  were  nothing  de  wiser  for  it.  How  could  I  get  down 
to  de  bottom  o'  de  hill,  if  I  had'nt  jumped  upon  dese  Indians 
when  I  saw  dem,  and  de  party  of  militia  dat  were  after  me, 
but  so  far  Dehind  ?  Had  dey  come  up  in  time,  diyil  an  Indi 
an  would  have  gone  to  deir  own  country,  bad  luck  to  dem. 
Give  me  a  tight  little  bit  od  an  army  wid- me,  and  if  I  dont 
take  de  whole  o7  dem  widin  tree  months  at  fardest,  den  you 
may  say,  I  am  not  Teague  O'Regan. 

I  thought  it  of  little  consequence,  said  the  governor,  to 
countenance  your  ambition,  Teague,  inbeing  a  candidate  for 
the  legislature,  or  in  being  made  a  judge.  The  one  or  the 
other  of  these  being  a  province  in  which  property  only  is 
concerned  ;  unless,  indeed,  in  the  case  of  a  judge,  in  whose 


76  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

way,  it  may  come  sometimes  to  hang  a  person,  though  a  jury 
must  be  accessary  to  it-  But  it  is  of  more  moment,  to  put  a 
brigade  or  two  of  lives  at  a  time,  in  the  power  of  an  incom 
petent  person.  It  is  not  your  inexperience  that  I  so  much 
distrust  ;  for  I  am  well  aware,  that  as  the  good  constitution 
of  a  patient  often  saves  the  credit  of  the  physician,  so  the 
bravery  of  troops  may  gain  a  battle,  which  the  want  of  skill 
in  the  commander  had  put  in  jeopardy.  But  it  is  your  natu 
ral  judgment  that  I  distrust.  I  have  never  been  able  to  dis 
cover  in  you,  comprehension  of  mind  that  would  seem  to  me 
to  fit  you  for  a  general.  I  have  no  doubt  of  your  being  capa 
ble  of  being  made,  in  due  time,  a  good  parade  officer  ;  atten 
tive  to  the  minutiae  of  dress,  or  movement  of  the  body  ;  or  to 
wear  the  hat  on  a  corner  of  the  head  ;  or  to  give  words  of 
command,  such  as  fase,  march,  halt,  wheel,  &c.  in  a  broken 
sort  of  way,  with  the  brogue  on  your  tongue ;  but  all  requi. 
site  comparing,  and.  contriving,  and  reasoning,  I  have  not  a 
perfect  confidence  in  your  capacity.  For  instance,  suppose 
you  were  called  upon  for  the  plan  of  a  campaign,  or  battle, 
or  even  for  the  attack  on  a  military  post,  tell  me  what  you 
would  do  ?  As  for  dat,  captain,  said  Teague,  give  me  de 
commission,  and  give  me  de  boys,  and  I'll  show  you  de  plan. 
If  that  is  the  case,  said  the  governor,  and  the  people  will 
have  it  so,  in  a  republican  government,  they  must  be  obeyed. 
Nor  does  it  always  follow  in  a  monarchy,  that  the  ablest  men 
are  appointed  to  offices.  For  favour,  and  family,  or  party 
interest,  will  raise,  and  sometimes  support  the  unworthy. — 
But  take  notice  that  you  have  got  a  great  reputation,  and 
much  will  be  expected  of  you.  The  smallest  disappointment 
in  the  expectation  of  the  people,  will  trundle  you  down  as 
fast  as  your  fears  precipitated  you  from  that  hill  above  the 
Indians,  where  you  got  a  victory,  or  at  least  a  pretty  good 
booty.  You  think  that  you  will  be  able  always  to  stay  in  the 
rear,  and  send  your  men  on  before  you.  On  the  contrary,  it 
will  behoove  you  sometimes  to  reconnoitre  ;  and  in  that  case, 
you  will  be  under  the  necessity  of  exposing  yourself  to  sharp- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  77 

shooters  and  batteries.  A  cannon  ball  may  take  your  head 
off,  though  at  the  distance  of  a  mile  or  two.  The  post  of 
danger  is  not  always  a  private  station-  Charles  the  XII,  of 
Sweden,  was  shot  through  the  head  with  a  musket  ball.  This 
thing  called  grape-shot,  is  a  disagreeable  kind  of  article, 
coming  about  the  head  and  ears,  like  flakes  in  a  snow  storm. 
We  had  pretty  hot  work  of  it  at  Monmouth,  and  Brandy- 
wine,  ar  d  at  some  other  places  during  my  tour  of  service. 
You  may  escape  perhaps,  with  a,  shoulder  taken  off,  or  hip 
shot  away ;  or  if  a  skilful  operator  is  at  hand  to  take  off  an 
arm,  it  does  not  always  follow  that  a  man  dies,  though  when 
the  brains  are  out  there  are  very  few  that  survive  it.  The 
smoke  and  fire  of  musketry  and  big  guns,  and  the  hurly 
burley  of  men  pushing  beyonets,  is  nothing  to  the  war  whoop 
of  Indians  taking  off  scalps;  which,  I  take  it,  you  would  not 
mind  much,  being  a  little  used  to  think  about  it. 

Here,  O'Regan  put  his  hand  to  his  head,  as  if  feeling 
whether  the  scalp  was  yet  on. 

By  de  holy  faders,  said  he,  if  dis  is  de  way  of  being  in  one 
of  dese  battles,  it  is  a  better  commission  to  be  bog-trotting 
wid  your  honour.  Keep  d'  your  papers,  and  give  it  to  some 
fool  dat  will  take  it.  I'd  radder  have  a  good  warm  scalp 
upon  my  head,  dan  all  de  commissions  in  de  nation  ;  and  my 
legs  and  my  arms  to  my  body,  and  my  body  to  my  legs  and 
arms.  For  having  been  so  long  togeder,  slaping  in  one  bed, 
and  eating  at  one  table  ? 

The  governor  being  thus  relieved  from  his  embarrassment, 
by  the  resignation  of  the  bog-trotter,  took  back  the  commis 
sion.  It  was  a  sufficient  apology  with  him  to  the  people,  that 
general  O'Regan,  for  reasons  best  known  to  himself,  had 
thought  proper  to  decline  the  appointment  of  general. 

Independent  of  any  concern  for  the  people,  which  the 
governor  might  have  had,  it  was  matter  in  which  his  own 
reputation  was  involved,  to  have  made  such  a  person  a  gene 
ral  officer ;  not  merely  because  a  novice  in  military  matters, 
but  because  nature  had  denied  him  talents.  And  though  it 


78  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

might  be  a  considerable  time  before  his  want  of  intellect,  to 
any  great  extent  would  be  discovered  ;  and  like  some  others, 
he  might  go  through  a  long  life  without  being  detected  ;  yet, 
•without  this  good  fortune,  it  would  at  last  be  made  known. 
And  when,  for  some  blunder,  he  mijrht  be  brought  to  a  court 
martial;  and,  perhaps,  for  cowardice,  be  sentenced  to  be 
shot ;  it  could  not  but  be  an  unpleasant  thing  to  him  to  have 
to  approve  the  sentence,  which  he  would  be  under  the  necessi 
ty  of  doing ;  and  there  might  be  no  recommendation  of 
mercy  in  the  case. 

There  is  something  in  being  accustomed  to  hear  sounds  ; 
for  they  affect  less  ;  and  therefore  amongst  the  ancients,  an 
old  soldier,  or  veteran,  as  he  was  called,  could  stand  better 
the  clatter  of  the  sword  upon  the  shield,  when  the  armies 
were  about  to  engage,  to  use  the  language  of  the  poet, 

"  Clash  on  their  sounding  shields,  the  din  of  war  ;" 
the  sound  of  the  trumpet  also ;  and  above  all,  the  shout  of 
battle,  so  terrible,  especially  when  charged  with  the  electric 
fluid  of  liberty:  for  I  have  sometimes  thought  that  the  hu 
man  voice,  instead  of  mere  brutem  fulmen,  may  be  actually 
charged  with  a  subtle  kind  of  electricity.  So  it  must  be  of 
use,  in  our  time,  to  be  accustomed  to  the  report  of  artillery, 
or  any  sort  of  fire-arm,  though  nothing  but  sound.  But,  in 
any  other  respect,  I  do  not  know  that  a  subaltern,  or  other 
officer,  who,  in  a  subordinate  capacity,  may  have  served 
campaigns,  has  much  the  advantage  of  the  inexperienced ; 
and  certainly  their  vigour  of  body  and  mind  being  less  than 
younger  men,  are  not  so  for  enterprize.  Yet  at  the  comrrence- 
ment  of  a  war,  it  is  usual  to  look  out  for  such  as  have  seen 
service.  But  because  an  officer  has  behaved  well  in  a  subor 
dinate  station,  it  does  not  follow  that  he  is  equal  to  an  inde 
pendent  command.  It  has  been  seen  in  the  French  revolu 
tion,  in  how  short  a  time  men  have  become  generals,  from  the 
lowest  grades.  It  is  on  this  principle  that  I  would  sooner 
trust  a  man  of  good  sense,  who  had  never  seen  a  battle  with 
the  conduct  of  troops,  than  one  who  had  seen  the  campaigns 
of  half  a  century,  without  powers  of  mind. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  79 

Some  credit  was  due  to  the  governor,  for  managing  the  mat 
ter  so  as  to  make  it  O'Regan's  own  act  to  decline  the  honour ; 
when,  not  to  have  appointed  him  in  the  first  instance,  or  to 
have  superseded  him  afterwards,  would  have  been  a  thing  so 
unpopular,  that  it  would  have  shaken  his  own  standing  to 
have  attempted  it.  There  is  nothing  so  difficult  as  to  manage 
the  public  mind.  It  must  be  done  by  the  lever,  or  the  screw, 
or  other  mechanical  power,  to  speak  figuratively,  and  not  by 
direct  force. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

The  Justice  of  wars,  British  and  American. 

"With  the  exception  of  the  war  of  the  revolution,  I  fear 
commercial  avidity  and  gain  have  been  at  the  bottom  of  all 
the  wars  which  have  engaged  nations,  and  those  with  this 
country,  have  had  their  origin  in  the  unjust  and  unwise 
policy  of  Britain.  I  must  pronounce  this  sentence  on  her 
councils,  though  born  in  her  island,  and  strongly  at 
tached  to  her  true  interests,  and  true  glory,  and  an  admirer 
of  all  her  lustre  in  literature  and  the  arts.  I  see  her  conduct 
in  a  different  point  of  view  on  the  shores  of  the  Delaware,  or 
from  the  banks  of  the  Ohio,  than  from  the  Thames,  or  the 
Frith  of  Forth,  or  the  Clyde.  But  not  to  enter  into  general 
speculation,  I  confine  myself  to  the  wars  waged  with  these 
States  ;  and  if  future  historians  do  not  say  that  these  were 
unjust  on  the  part  of  that  island,  I  have  never  been  capable 
of  discrimination  in  the  right  and  wrong  of  things.  That 
resistance  on  our  part  was  at  least  just,  I  will  contend:  for 
how  else  could  I  reconcile  it  to  myself  to  celebrate  our  victo 
ries,  as  seme  do  who  affect  to  think,  or  really  do  think  our 
cause  bad?  And  yet  there  is  this  inconsistency  in  men's 
mouths  :  for  there  are  those  who  speak  of  our  achievements 
by  land  or  sea,  where- we  have  been  successful,  as  the  deeds 


80  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

of  heroes;  and  yet  unjust,  which  must  make  it  murderous. 
For  an  officer  may  resign,  when  an  unjust  war  is  declared  ; 
and  ought  to  resign,  and  refuse  to  be  accessary  to  the  homi 
cide  which  it  occasions.  With  what  conscience,  then,  can  a 
man,  opposed  to  war  generally,  or  to  a  particular  war,  from 
the  grounds  of  it,  allow  praise  to  those  concerned  in  it?  It 
will  be  said,  he  may  praise  the  valor  of  the  soldier,  but  ar 
raign  the  cause  in  which  he  has  fought.  There  would  be  the 
same  reason  in  the  case  of  Barrabas,  a  murderer  and  robbe1" 
amongst  the  Jews,  who  deserved  a  crucifixion. 

As  to  all  war  being  unlawful,  it  is  but  the  opinion  of  a  sub 
division  of  the  Christian  denomination,  founded  on  the  tak 
ing  in  a  literal  sense,  what  was  spoken  in  a  figurative,  by 
the  author  of  our  religion.  But,  that  a  war  of  ambition,  or 
springing  from  the  love  of  gain  is  murder,  I  can  entertain  no 
doubt.  It  is  chargeable,  as  homicide,  upon  the  prince  or 
country,  who  wages  it  unnecessarily,  or  without  just  provo 
cation. 

The  people  were  the  more  reconciled  to  the  circumstance 
of  not  getting  the  bog-trotter  appointed  a  major  general,  in 
asmuch  as  there  ceased  to  be  an  occasion  for  one.  The  In 
dians  humbled  by  their  late  overthrow,  were  disposed  to 
treat;  and  the  settlement  having  collected  a  few  blankets, 
were  willing  to  part  with  these,  to  save  their  scalps.  An 
Indian  treaty  was  held,  to  which  Teague  was  commissic  ner, 
and  being  told  that  he  was  the  warrior  who  had  discomfited 
them,  they  were  the  more  disposed  to  listen  to  his  terms. 
There  were  Red  Jacket,  Blue  Jacket,  Yellow  Jacket,  Rattle 
Snake,  Terrapin,  Half  Moon,  and  Half  King,  on  the  part  of 
the  Indian  nations.  The  bulwark  of  the  Christian  religion, 
underhandedly,  by  means  of  traders  who  passed  for  Indians, 
having  assumed  their  dress,  and  could  speak  something  of 
their  language,  secretly  opposed  the  treaty  ;  but  with  the  aid 
of  a  few  kegs  of  whiskey,  it  was  carried  against  them.  The 
hatchet  was  buried  deep,  and  an  oak  tree,  figuratively  speak 
ing,  was  planted  on  it.  The  chain  was  brightened,  meaning 


MODERN    CHIVALRV.  81 

the  chain  of  Friendship.  The  whites  were  called  brothers, 
and  belts  of  wampum  were  spoken  from  ;  and  the  usual  cere 
monials  of  a  treaty  gone  through,  when  the  Indians  returned 
to  their  own  country,  apparently  satisfied  with  what  was 
done. 

The  bog-trotter  was  in  his  element  in  the  transactions  of 
this  treaty,  drinking  whiskey,  and  shaking  hands  with  the 
Indians.  It  was  not  to  be  wondered  therefore  that  his  popu 
larity  increased.  But  a  very  extraordinary  circumstance 
gave  a  new  direction  to  his  mind,  and  put  him  upon  another 
scent.  A  camp  meeting  was  shortly  after  held  upon  the  very 
ground  the  Indians  had  quitted.  The  nature  of  this  conven 
tion  is  well  known  in  our  times ;  but  for  the  sake  of  posterity, 
it  may  not  be  amiss  to  give  some  idea  of  it.  The  inhabitants 
collect  even  from  a  great  distance,  and  carry  provisions  with 
them,  and  baggage  wagons.  They  encamp  usually  in  a  wood 
near  a  stream  of  water,  for  days  together ;  forming  this  as 
semblage  for  the  purposes  of  religion :  exercising  their  minds 
in  prayer  and  singing  sacred  songs  and  in  preaching,  and  in 
expectation,  that  by  mutual  sympathy,  their  zeal  may  be  in 
creased,  and  their  devotion  rendered  more  fervent.  Certain  it 
is,  that  this  assembling  has  the  effect  of  agitating  the  mass 
greatly.  Convulsive  gestures  and  shouting,  are  symptoms  of 
a  mind  under  strong  excitement,  and  overwhelmed  with 
intense  feeling.  Philosophers,  and  some  physicians,  think 
it  a  disease  of  the  mind,  and  call  it  an  epidemic  phrenzy  of 
religious  fervor. 

The  governor  considered  all  this  as  but  madness  and  fanat. 
icism,  yet  he  did  not  interfere  with  the  people  in  their  visions, 
and  extacies  ;  knowing  that  the  phrenzy  after  a  time  will  al 
ways  dissipate,  and  the  subjects  of  it  come  to  their  right 
reason,  and  settle  into  the  most  sincere  and  sober  works. 
His  ideas  on  the  subject  of  religious  toleration  were  cor 
rect  ;  and  though  he  disapproved  of  founding  religion  in 
passion,  it  being  a  thing  of  reason,  judgment,  and  habit,  yet 
he  had  seen  that  by  directly  opposing  this  error  of  the  under- 
vol.  4,  7 


82  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

standing,  the  pride  of  the  multitude  was  greatly  offended. 
For,  in  his  opinion,  it  was  but  a  spurious,  or,  as  a  scholar 
would  say,  a  pseudo-religion,  which  did  not  make  a  man  more 
just.  I  inclin*  a  good  deal  to  his  way  of  thinking.  But  there 
are  others  who  entertain  different  notions.  I  admit  that  a 
Boanerges  may  do  something  towards  rousing  the  attention 
of  a  rude  and  thoughtless  multitude  ;  or  of  a  hardened  individ 
ual,  and  this  by  a  loud  voice,  and  alarming  representations  of 
the  consequences  of  a  vicious  course  in  this  world,  which 
is  but  mere  noise  and  tumult  and  convey  no  ideas ;  and  the 
effect  cannot  be  lasting,  nor  the  reform  produced  permanent. 
For  which  reason  I  place  religion  in  the  understanding  ; 
though  doubtless  the  hopes  and  fears  of  the  human  mind  may 
be  considered  passion  :  and  so  far  as  this  goes,  I  agree  that 
in  planting  religion  in  the  heart,  we  are  to  pray  in  aid  of  the 
passions.  But  the  truth  is,  I  incline  to  think  with  those  who 
consider  all  religion  as  but  the  cultivation  of  good  habits ; 
and  this  from  the  consideration  of  present  convenience,  and 
future  happiness.  I  say  present  convenience  ;  because  there 
cannot  be  a  deviation  from  virtue,  and  even  common  pru 
dence,  without  bringing  with  it  a  degree  of  punishment  to  the 
individual,  even  in  this  life.  He  that  looks  deeply  into 
things,  may  see,  that  all  creation  is  governed  by  wise  and 
universal  laws,  which  afford  the  most  perfect  evidence,  of  the 
wisdom,  as  well  as  the  existence  of  a  Creator.  It  is  the  same 
laws  which  regulate  inanimate  substances,  and  organized,  and 
inanimate  bodies,from  the  lowest  in  the  scale,  up  to  man,  who 
is  the  highest.  They  cannot  be  violated  with  impunitv 
These  laws  were  perfect  from  the  first,  on  each  thing  in  its 
kind,  and  little  left  to  chance,  if  there  be  such  a  thing  as 
chance,  which  is  nothing  more  than  our  want  of  capacity  to 
trace  the  connection  between  cause  and  effect.  And  if  there  is  a 
future  state,  which  philosophers  may  doubt,  but  cannot  avoid 
hoping,  the  condition  of  an  individual  must  take  its  complex 
ion  from  what  has  been  done  here.  But  I  do  not  say  that  every 
good  deed  receives  its  full  proportion  of  reward  here,  nor  every 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  83 

evil  deed,  its  correspondent  degree  of  punishment.  I  speak 
of  the  general  operation.  For  the  strongest  argument  from 
natural  reason  in  favor  of  a  future  state,  is  that  this  is  not  the 
case  in  this  life :  and  therefore  there  must  be  another,  to  fulfil 
the  law  of  perfect  justice.  But  I  would  sooner  take  my  chance 
with  the  conscientious  moralist,  than  with  the  rapturous  en 
thusiast,  who  has  more  sail  than  ballast  in  his  devotion.  "Do 
justice,  love  mercy,  and  walk  humbly  before  God,"  I  take  to 
be  the  religion  of  reason,  as  it  is  of  revelation,  and  to  that  I 
hold.  Let  us  injure  no  one,  and  at  the  same  time,  do  all  the 
good  we  can.  Active,  not  merely  passive,  benevolence,  is  the 
moral  fruit  of  true  religion ! 

CHAPTER  XV. 

Containing  a  somewhat  dry  disquisition  on  the,  nature  of  the 

good  and  evil  of  Republican  governments. 

As  we  are  on  the  eve  of  a  republican  government,  in  this 
new  settlement ;  or  rather  chaotic  government,  that  may  in 
time  be  reduced  to  a  republic,  it  behooves  us  to  consider 
a  little  what  are  its  evils,  and  the  causes  of  its  overthrow. 
Laying  aside  those  which  are  common  to  all  governments, 
and  amongst  these,  the  incapacity  of  those  that  govern,  it 
would  seem,  in  a  greater  degree  than  perhaps  any  other,  that 
in  a  republican  government,  fault  is  found  with  those  that 
govern ;  and  weakness,  or  wickedness  is  imputed  even  to  the 
wisest  measures.  An4  this  on  the  plain  principle  of  self- 
love  ;  because  every  man  covets  distinction,  and  is  ambitious 
of  power;  and  where  the  government  is  by  representation,  all 
cannot  have  office  at  the  same  time  although  the  right  is  equal 
to  all.  Hence  it  is,  that  those  out  cannot  be  those  in :  for  that 
would  be  a  contradiction  in  terms,  and  in  the  nature  of  things. 
For  it  is  a  quality  of  matter  that  two  bodies  cannot  be  in  the 
same  place  at  the  same  time.  How  otherwise  can  the  body 
that  is  out,  be  in,  but  by  removing  the  opposing  body  that  is 
in  possession  of  the  place  ?  But  where  we  have  to  do  with 


8-4  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

mind,  it  is  not  by  the  effect  of  material  force  that  this  can  be 
accomplished.  Laying  the  shoulders  to,  will  not  answer  the 
purpose ;  nor  will  a  baton  or  a  stick  compel  the  giving  way. 
It  must  be  by  the  force  of  opinion.  Hence  obloquy  and  de 
famation  in  the  election ;  and  when  that  is  gained,  no  quali 
fication  for  the  trust,  or  virtue  in  office  is  to  be  allowed  to  the 
successful  candidate.  The  great  moral  of  this  book  is  the 
evil  of  men  seeking  office  for  which  they  are  not  qualified.  But 
there  is  another  evil,  as  I  have  said,  the  detraction  from  even 
the  good  qualities  of  those  in  power,  and  the  denying  credit 
even  to  the  prudent  acts  of  an  administration.  The  divines 
tell  us ;  at  least  the  divines  of  some  denominations,  that  even 
the  good  acts  of  bad  men  have  in  them  a  motive  which  turns 
them  to  sin.  As  two  parties,  therefore  must  unavoidably  exist,, 
in  every  government  of  the  people,  the  ci-devant  or  ex-repre 
sentatives,  with  those  who  have  not  yet  been  representatives, 
on  one  side,  and  the  present  incumbents  on  the  other>  a  contin. 
ual  war  must  be  carried  on  ;  the  true  motive  and  object  kept 
out  of  view.  I  have  thought  sometimes  of  putting  in  plain 
language,  what  those  on  the  outside  the  house,  looking  in, 
would  say,  were  they  to  speak  out,  to  those  congregated 
within  the  building.  I  mean,  were  they  to  speak  without 
dissimulation  of  the  motive,  and  the  object.  Let  us  suppose 
the  opposition  convened,  and  if  they  could  be  kept  from  sticks 
and  stones,  and  use  their  tongues  only,  without  prevarication, 
would  not  their  oration  be  somewhat  in  the  following  vein 
and  tenor. 

"You  seem  to  be  pretty  well  lodged,  good  folks,  and  have 
got  a  pretty  decent  house  over  your  heads  ;  while  some  here 
are  obliged  to  stand  without,  that  are  perhaps  not  less  deserv 
ing  than  yourselves ;  and  amongst  these  not  a  few  who  know 
what  it  is  to  sleep  in-doors,  and  to  partake  of  the  hospitality 
of  the  government.  You  take  it  hard  at  our  hands,  that  we 
do  not  approve  of  a  single  act  that  you  do,  or  of  a  single 
measure  that  you  take.  It  does  not  suit  us  to  approve  ;  be 
cause  our  object  is  to  get  you  out.  If  the  man  at  the  helm 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  85 

steers  N.  by  "W.  we  say  it  should  be  N.  by  E.  And  so  through 
all  the  32  points  of  the  compass,  should  he  vary  his  course 
accordingly.  If  he  should  be  steering  a  course  directly  S.  we 
would  arraign  him  for  a  fool,  to  attempt  to  steer  in  the  wind's 
eye ;  and  if  he  should  alter  his  course  a  point  or  two,  we 
would  exclaim  that  he  was  steering  in  the  wind's  eye  still ; 
for  the  wind  has  changed.  Bear  away,  luff  up,  it  is  still 
wrong.  Do  you  not  see  breakers  ahead  ?  we  will  say.  And 
when  he  puts  about  ship,  the  breakers  will  be  on  the  other 
side ;  and  this,  though  in  the  middle  of  the  ocean,  where  no 
lee-shore  can  be  found.  The  secret  of  opposition  is  to  find 
fault  with  whatever  may  be  done.  If  there  is  really  fault  to 
be  found,  the  matter  is  easy.  Every  dunce  may  enlarge  upon 
this.  But  where  the  measure  is  a  dictate  of  prudence,  and 
the  result  of  consummate  wisdom,  hie  labor,  hoc  opust  est.  It 
will  require  more  talents,  or  at  least  more  industry,  to  make 
it  appear  bad  policy,  and  defeat  it.  Even  if  it  should  suc 
ceed,  no  credit  is  to  be  given.  For  though  it  happened  to 
hit,  yet  upon  the  whole  it  was  a  mischief  from  the  bad  con 
sequence  that  will  follow.  You  talk  of  candor.  Where  was 
your  candor  when  we  were  in  ?  Was  it  not  by  exciting  cla 
mour  against  even  the  wisest  measures  that  you  got  the  people 
on  your  side,  and  put  us  out?  You  have  the  good  sense  to 
pursue  the  very  measures,  in  some  instances,  which  you  ex 
claimed  against.  But  you  say  that  the  evil  cannot  be  corrected 
all  at  once  ;  or  it  would  cost  more  to  undo  what  was  done, 
than  to  let  it  stand  as  it  was.  Is  this  candor?  The  fact  is,  all 
idea  of  candor  is  out  of  the  question.  It  is  your  places  that 
we  want ;  we  care  nothing  about  your  measures.  The  better 
they  are,  the  worse  for  us ;  and  we  are,  on  that  very  account, 
the  more  disposed  to  find  fault. 

"You  will  say,  we  are  not  good  citizens.  But,  we  are  good 
partizans.  There  is  a  wheel  within  a  wheel  in  all  govern 
ments  ;  and  it  is  the  inner  wheel  that  those  out  of  power  have 
to  work ;  and  not  the  outer  wheel.  You  that  are  in  power 
have  to  turn  that ;  and  it  is  our  part  to  stop  it  if  we  can, 
vol.  4,  7* 


86  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

"Stop  the  wheel  of  government,"  means  the  outer  wheel;  for 
the  inner  wheel  never  stops.  It  always  goes  a  contrary  way 
to  the  outer  wheel ;  or,  to  speak  mathematically,  moves  in  a 
contrary  direction ;  but  not  that  the  mo.vers  mean  to  stop  the 
outer,  altogether ;  hut  so  to  impede  the  movement,  that  the 
machine  in  the  hands  of  those  that  seem  to  have  the  direction 
of  it,  may  appear  useless,  or  defective  in  its  operations. 

"You  talk  of  our  invective,  scurrility,  &c.  &c.  &c.  Are 
there  not  such  things  as  stink-pots  on  board  war  vessels  ?  Is  it 
not  against  the  laws  of  war  to  use  these.  At  least  it  is  not 
against  the  practice  of  nations?  and  it  is  the  practice  that 
makes  the  law ;  the  usage  of  nations.  The  practice  of  our 
editors  of  papers,  and  of  yours,  is  what  sanctions  what  might 
otherwise  be  called  abuse  ;  for  the  very  nature  of  personal 
abuse,  is  changed  into  the  contrary  by  use.  A  dictionary  of 
hard  terms,  might  be  composed  out  of  the  gazettes,  to  suit  a 
particular  party ;  but  without  sensible  variation  might  serve 
all.  It  is  a  desideratum  in  political  literature,  that  we  have 
not  such  a  book,  for  the  use  of  schools.  It  might  be  made 
out  of  the  newspapers ;  not  that  this  would  hinder  the  adding 
o  the  language,  new  terms ;  for  speech  is  not  made  from 
dictionaries ;  but  dictionaries  from  speech. 

Sic  valet  usus 
Quern  penes  arbitrium  est,  et  norma  loquendi. 

New  terms  of  reproach  will  at  all  times  spring  up,  and  old 
die.  This,  the  poet,  speaking  of  all  languages,  correctly 
states. 

Nedum  sermonum  stet  honos,  et  Gratia  vivax, 
Multa  renascenter  quse  jam  cecipere  cadentque 
Quae  ssnc  sunt  in  honore  vocabula. 

"Nothing  offends  a  Frenchman  so  much  as  to  be  called 
Jean  Foutre  ;  or  an  Englishman  to  be  called  a  John  Bull.— 
The  nation  is  called  John  Bull ;  but  that  is  a  generic  term  j 
but  when  applied  to  the  individual,  is  not  eo  well  taken. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  87 

11  The  art  of  blackguardism,  notwithstanding  its  cultivation, 
in  these  states,  may  be  said,  like  many  other  arts  and  sci 
ences,  to  be  yet  but  in  its  infancy.  Invention  is  rather  a  gift, 
than  an  acquired  faculty  and  some  regard  it  as  the  distin 
guishing  mark  of  genius ;  neverthelesss  it  is  improvable ; 
and  much  might  be  done  by  skilful  tutors,  taking  youth  from 
their  early  years,  especially  such  as  may  have  had  the  ad 
vantage  of  a  good  family  education,  in  this  way.  It  is  observ 
able,  that  editors  from  foreign  countries  have  distinguished 
themselves  in  this  species  of  logomachy ;  not  owing,  as  some 
allege,  to  a  superiority  of  genius,  or  greater  aptitude  in  ac- 
quirirg  languages  ;  but  to  the  progress  they  had  already 
made,  before  they  left  their  mother  countries.  It  is  altogether 
a  prejudice  of  BufFon  and  others,  to  lay  it  down  that  the  hu 
man  species,  as  well  as  other  productions  of  the  new  world, 
are  inferior  in  kind  to  those  of  the  old.  It  is  neither  so  in 
size  nor  intellect.  Give  us  time,  and  opportunities,  and  we 
need  not  despair  of  producing  party  writers  of  a  mammoth 
size  in  all  the  defamation  by  word,  a  thing  of  which  we  have 
have  had  imported  specimens,  from  the  other  side  the  water. 
If  you  wish  to  avoid  the  artillery  of  such,  take  our  advice, 
and  resign.  We  have  no  ill  will  to  you,  more  than  we  have 
to  a  turkey  buzzard,  but  becuse  you  are  in  our  way.  At  least, 
let  us  take  turns,  in  doing  public  service  ;  not  at  the  pump  ; 
for  though  it  is  our  business,  under  present  circumstances,  to 
pronounce  the  ship  leaky  and  ready  to  sink,  yet  we  do  not 
think  that  she  is  precisely  in  that  condition,  notwithstanding 
your  bad  management ;  and  we  are  willing  to  take  her  under 
our  direction,  even  in  her  present  state.  The  honour  and 
the  profit  are  both  in  favour  of  those  who  are  officers,  and 
have  the  command.  But  as  for  you,  out  you  shall  go  ;  we 
do  not  mean  out  of  the  ship,  but  out  of  your  offices  and  the 
emoluments.  Our  party  must  be  in  ;  and  that  is  the  short 
and  the  long  of  the  whole  matter.  If  you  do  nob  go  below 
deck,  we  will  blow  up  the  ship ;  not  one  of  you  shall  go  aloft 
till  we  have  the  command/' 


88  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

This  would  be  the  language,  doubtless  of  the  open  hearted, 
and  plain  spoken.  But  as  men  row  one  way,  and  look  another, 
it  is  not  so  well  calculated  to  effect  the  purpose,  as  indirect 
attack.  It  is  not  those  themselves  that  are  in  possession  that 
are  to  be  addressed,  but  those  that  put  them  there ;  or  at  least 
assisted  for  the  time  being.  It  is  in  vain,  to  try  to  persuade 
a  man  himself  that  he  is  in  an  error,  beause  he  enjoys  a  ben 
efit;  but  there  are  those  who  may  be  brought  to  believe  this, 
who  are  not  so  much,  or  at  least  so  immediately  interested 
in  the  matter. 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

Constitution  Making  Continued. 

WE  have  seen  that  a  temporary  sort  of  constitution  had 
been  formed  or  rather  government  constituted;  for  the  Cap 
tain  had  been  chosen  Governor,  and  the  blind  lawyer  appoint 
ed  chief  justice.  A  sense  of  self-preservation  had  led  to  this 
measure,  for  we  find  that  even  among  the  rudest  savages  some 
kind  of  authority  is  given,  or  assumed.  It  is  the  instinct  of 
man,  and  may  therefore  be  said  to  be  instituted  by  the  Crea 
tor.  It  had  been  found,  that  in  a  situation  of  things  approach 
ing  to  a  state  of  nature,  the  weak  were  a  prey  to  the  strong, 
and  oftentimes,  among  the  strong,  there  was  much  wrong 
done,  not  being  sufficiently  afraid  of  each  other,  when  the 
corporeal  powers  were  nearly  equal ;  and,  until  it  had  been 
ascertained  which  had  the  mastery,  much  maiming  had  pre 
vailed.  It  had  been  customary  for  individuals  so  leagued 
together,  to  defend  themselves  ;  and  there  was  much  gouging 
and  biting  on  both  sides,  when  a  contest  of  ths  few  had  arisen. 
Settlement  against  settlement  was  pitted ;  and  district  against 
district,  oftentimes  with  much  battery  and  blood-shed.  Call 
ing  out  for  help  was  usual  amongst  the  combatants,  and  it 
was  counted  dishonorable  not  to  interfere,  by  those  not 
engaged. 


MODERN    CHIVALRV.  89 

It.  was  on  this  principle,  and  in  this  state  of  things,  that 
the  Captain  had  been  elected  governor.  For,  coming  to  the 
settlement,  attended  by  his  posse,  Will  Watlin,  Tom  the 
Tinker,  Harum  Scarum,  and  O'Fin  the  Irishman,  a  damp 
was  struck  upon  the  hearts  of  the  insurgents  in  different 
places,  which  the  people  seeing,  recurred  to  this  new  power 
for  safety.  Will  Watlin  having  pulled  up  a  grub,  and  en 
tering  the  town,  called  it  a  switch,  as  I  have  seen  represented 
on  the  stage  in  some  dramatic  composition ;  the  people 
thinking  that  if  that  was  a  switch,  what  would  his  baton  or 
cudgel  be?  O'Fin  the  Irishman  had,  in  fact,  entered  with  a 
handspike  on  his  shoulder,  which  he  called  his  shilelah,  and 
threatened  death  and  destruction  to  all  that  came  his  way. 
Harum  Scarum  had  a  branch  of  an  oak  tree,  which  he  trailed 
after  him ;  and  Tom  the  Tinker  approached  with  a  club,  which 
he  called  his  hammer.  It  was  much  larger  than  the  club  of 
Hercules  is  represented  in  the  Farnesian  statue, -and  though 
he  had  not  the  strength  to  wield  it  with  ease  ;  yet,  poised  upon 
his  right  shoulder,  it  had  the  appearance  of  a  weapon  that 
would  do  much  execution.  Teague,  the  "bog-trotter,  though 
with  great  difficulty,  drew  after  him  a  rough  pine  limb  which 
he  called  a  shilelah.  The  Captain  had  a  staff,  not  as  large 
as  a  weaver's  beam,  but  far  surpassing  the  size  of  a  common 
walking-stick.  From  these  appearances,  they  had  put  down  all 
resistance;  and  in  due  time  the  people  thought  it  advisable 
to  place  themselves  under  the  protection  of  persons  whose 
object  it  seemed  to  be  to  keep  the  peace,  and  maintain  the 
laws.  The  Captain  had  been  chosen  Governor.  But  in 
writing  the  chapter  which  mentions  this  fact,  I  had  run  over 
a  great  space  without  entering  into  the  detail,  or  minutige  of 
events.  For  that,  and  no  other  reason,  it  may  appear  to  want 
verisimilitude  of  incidents  to  support  the  probability  of  the 
narrative. 

"  Le  premier  Rois  fat  un  soldat  heureux," 

Says  Voltaire :    and  though  it  may  be   disputed    whether 
knowledge  is  power,  yet  no  one  can  deny,  but  that  wattles 


90  MODERN    CHIVALRY, 

and  hearts  of  oak,  have  a  great  tendency  to  procure  sub 
mission. 

But  the  Captain  himself  was  uneasy  under  this  usurped 
authority ;  and  the  people  began  to  talk  of  his  resembling 
Bonaparte.  There  were  those  who  threw  out  hints  that  he 
had  an  understanding  with  that  emperor.  It  was  much 
agitated  in  beer-houses,  whether  he  was  not  under  French 
influence.  He  denied  it,  and  stood  to  it,  that  he  had  no  cor 
respondence  with  the  tyrant.  Is  it  possible,  said  he,  that  I 
'could  have  much  attachment  to  Bonaparte,  who  has  no 
attachment  to  me  ?  For  I  am  well  persuaded  that  he  has 
never  heard  of  me  ;  nor  can  he  possibly  regard  what  govern 
ment,  or  kind  of  government,  I  have  over  a  few  raggamuffins 
assembled,  or  rather  scattered  in  a  distant  quarter  of  the 
globe  .It  is  true,  I  did  happen,  coming  along,  to  speak  a  few 
words  of  French,  at  least  they  told  me  it  was  French,  which 
I  had  from  a  parlez  vous,  a  carrier,  that  spoke  a  certain  lingo 
to  his  horses ;  because,  being  used  to  his  vocabulary,  they 
understood  no  other  language  ;  but  it  was  in  the  most  perfect 
simplicity  of  mind  ;  and  I  am  not  sure  that  it  was  French 
that  I  did  speak,  or  rather  that  he  spoke ;  for  what  I  said  was 
in  imitation  of  certain  sounds,  rather  than  words  of  his,  as  I 
could  catch  them  from  the  rapidity  of  his  pronunciation.  But 
why  need  there  be  a  noise  made  about  it  ?  I  am  ready  to  lay 
down  my  oak  stick,  which  has  been  the  badge  of  my  govern 
ment,  whenever  any  one  of  you  chooses — Let  it  be  laid  down. 
And  with  that  he  flung  it  across  a  potato  patch  as  far  as  he 
could  throw  it.  Now,  there  it  is,  said  he,  and  you  are  a  free 
people  :  but  what  are  you  the  better  for  that;  was  it  not  to 
keep  you  from  broken  heads  that  I  took  up  the  government  ? 
You  talk  of  Bonaparte  usurping  the  government — what  gov 
ernment  did  he  usurp  ?  Had  not  the  people  of  France  found 
out  that  there  was  no  government,  and  could  be  none  short 
of  a  despotism  ?  The  constitution  of  1791  had  given  way  : 
that  of  1793  had  gone  to  the  tomb  of  the  Capulets.  Was 
there  not  one  of  1795  ?  If  so,  it  had  also  gone.  The  only 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  9l 

two  of  the  directory  that  had  any  talents,  or  integrity,  Bar- 
thelemi,  and  Carnot  were  departed  to  one  of  the  French  Is 
lands  under  the  equator,  to  encounter  fever  and  mosquitoes. 
The  better  part  of  the  council  of  500,  and  of  the  council  of 
ancients,  I  mean  the  best  men  of  these  bodies,  were  carted  in 
iron  cages  to  the  sea  shore  and  sent  off  in  frigates.  Could 
there  be  said  to  be  any  freedom  at  this  time?  What  was  it 
that  induced  Abbe  Sieyes,  and  other  men  who  had  been  tired 
of  making  constitutions,  to  send  for  Bonaparte  to  Egypt  to 
take  the  helm  of  the  state  vessel  ?  For,  pursuing  the  figure, 
when  the  vessel  is  at  the  mercy  of  the  waves,  tost  and  ready 
to  run  upon  the  breakers,  is  it  usurpation  to  take  the  helm, 
and  steer  her  in  safety  ?  Comparing  small  things  with  great, 
myself  to  Bonaparte,  did  I  usurp  any  authority,  when  you 
yourselves  called  upon  me,  being  at  loggerheads,  to  take  the 
government  ?  But  as  I  have  more  concern  for  you,  than  you 
have  for  yourselves,  I  will  retain  it  a  little,  with  a  view  to 
preserve  order  and  regularity  among  you  until  you  get  a 
constitution,  if  by  that  means  you  can  secure  your  liberty. 

This  speech  being  ended,  it  was  agreed  to  consider  of  a 
constitution. 

It  was  debated  in  the  beer-houses,  whether  a  despotism 
was  not  best ;  or  the  continuance  of  the  present  constitution. 
But  it  was  carried,  nemine  contradicente,  that  something  new 
should  be  adopted.  It  was  agitated  how  a  republican  gov 
ernment  should  begin.  Doubtless,  it  was  answered,  by  a 
convention  of  the  people.  It  was  asked,  how  should  that 
convention  be  brought  about  ?  It  was  answered,  in  the  same 
mode,  and  by  the  same  means,  as  what  is  called  a  camp, 
meeting  :  this  is  a  gathering  of  religious  enthusiasts,  of  which 
we  have  seen  examples  in  almost  all  parts  of  the  United 
States.  But  would  there  not  be  danger  of  the  same  tumblings 
and  jumpings,  and  contortions  of  body,  and  agitations  of 
mind,  as  at  those  congregations  ?  No  :  because  the  female 
part  of  the  society  would  be  excluded.  These  are  not  only 
convulsionists,  but  the  cause  of  convulsions  becoming  general 


92  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

among  the  multitude,  by  sympathy  of  feeling,  and  ecstacy  of 
vision;  or,  perhaps,  by  some  kind  of  subtle  contagious,  elec 
tric  fluid  passing  from  one  to  another.  Keep  theseaway and  the 
meeting  will  be  kept  sober,  unless  indeed  spiritous  liquor  was 
introduced.  And  when  serious  business  was  on  the  carpet, 
this  might  be  excluded,  allowing  a  few  days  of  intemperance, 
in  the  manner  of  the  ancient  Germans,  or  our  Seminole  In 
dians,  before  the  council  had  begun. 

It  was  agreed  that  a  general  warning  should  be  given  to 
meet  under  bushes,  and  tree^tops,  by  such  a  day,  not  in  con 
clave  or  divan,  but  in  a  general  convention  of  the  people,  to 
deliberate  on  the  frame  of  a  constitution.  But  were  they  all 
to  convene,  every  male,  of  whatever  age,  embracing  infantia, 
which  ends  at  the  age  of  seven  years  ;  pueritia,  which  termi 
nates  at  14  ;  adolescentia,  which  lasts  until  that  of  twenty- 
one  years;  or  juventus,  which  may  be  considered  as  ending 
at  the  age  of  thirty-five ;  or  the  virilis  setas,  which  is  com 
plete  at  twenty-eight,  and  lasts  the  whole  life  of  man  ?  Seni- 
um,  or  old  age,  commences  at  fifty-seven.  Was  this  age  to 
be  excluded  by  reason  of  imbecility,  from  the  deliberations 
of  perfect  men  ?  Must  foreigners  of  all  nations  and  languages, 
just  come  in,  be  also  allowed  to  take  part!  the  black,  brown 
or  red-faced — must  persons  of  all  complexions,  opinions,  Turk 
or  Indians,  have  a  share  in  the  constitution  making?  And 
why  exclude  tax  paying  widows,  and  single  women  of  full 
age  ?  All  these  cases  must  be  settled. 

Another  question  arose,  was  every  man  that  wore  a  head, 
tag,  rag,  and  bob-tail,  to  assemble  and  have  an  equal  vote  ?  In 
contemplation  of  law,  at  the  formation  of  our  republic,  it  must 
be  so.  And  though,  in  fact,  it  never  was  the  case,  yet  the 
principle  stands  immovable,  and  all  must  be  supposed  to  have 
a  voice.  "  We,  the  people,"  admits  of  no  exclusion.  But  are 
people  to  be  admitted  who  have  no  understanding  ?  Who 
can  undertake  to  say  of  another  that  he  wants  sense  ?  Intel 
ligence  cannot  be  weighed  by  the  pound  or  ounce,  or  meas 
ured  by  the  ell  or  the  perch.  Who  IB  to  make  the  selection 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  93 

from  the  mass  ?  It  was  agreed,  therefore,  that  all  who  chose 
to  meet,  should  convene.  Advertisements  to  this  effect  were 
put  in  the  gazette,  having  a  journal  or  public  paper  in  town  ; 
and  cards  and  hand  bills  were  affixed  upon  trees  and  barn 
doors,  and  chalked  upon  fence  rails,  and  those  who  could  not 
write,  proclaimed  with  the  voice,  the  general  assembling  of 
the  people. 

The  day  came,  and  the  hills  were  covered.  Those  upon  the 
low  grounds  shouted  up  to  their  superiors  on  the  hills  ;  and 
the  hills  vociferated  to  those  below.  But  great  confusion 
ensued,  by  interruption  and  discussion.  Some  order  became 
necessary,  and  the  reducing  the  multitude  to  a  smaller  com 
pass  ;  but  this  could  not  be  done,  until  a  part  wearied  out, 
and  wanting  food,  departed  to  their  homes.  There  were 
but  about  a  score  remaining,  when  the  next  day  appeared  ; 
thus  it  will  always  be,  power  stole  from  the  many  to  the  few. 

Having  taken  some  refreshment  of  food,  these  set  about 
the  business.  But  half  asleep,  they  were  incompetent,  and 
had  to  take  a  nap  before  they  could  renew  the  task  which 
they  had  undertaken.  It  was  now  debated,  whether  the  pres 
ent  could  be  considered  as  representing  those  that  were 
absent.  This  was  plain:  for  all  had  had  an  opportunity,  and 
might  have  attended,  if  they  would. 

The  question  was  now  agitated,  should  they  have  a  consti 
tution  ?  Upon  this  there  was  a  diversity  of  voices.  Said  an 
honest  fellow,  what  have  we  to  do  with  a  constitution  ?  Why 
form  one?  Will  we  stick  to  a  constitution,  when  we  have 
made  it  ?  A  constitution  is  like  a  nose  of  wax,  it  is  twisted 
by  the  party  that  is  predominant.  It  might  not,  however,  be 
unadvisable  to  have  some  outline  of  a  constitution  ;  some 
groove  within  which  to  move,  some  shape  and  form  of  the 
machine  of  government.  If  the  people  cannot  all  convene,  or, 
if  they  do  convene,  cannot  act  without  confusion,  as  the  late 
experiment  had  abundantly  evinced,  it  would  be  necessary 
to  have  some  means  of  reducing  them  to  a  narrower  compass. 
Let  there  be  primary  assemblies,  meetings  of  the  people  in 
vol.  4,  7 


94  MODERN     3HIVALRY. 

particular  districts,  and  let  these  elect  aad  send  representa 
tives  to  a  secondary.  Let  these  secondary  assemblies,  select 
from  among  themselves,  and  depute  to  an  ultimate  body,  who 
shall  from  time  to  time  meet  and  frame  the  laws.  Judicial 
Officers  must  exist  distinct  from  the  legislature ;  executive 
distinct  from  both.  Whether  appoint  these  officers,  and  in 
•what  manner  it  shall  be  done,  must  require  some  rule  to  be 
laid  down.  The  nature  of  the  government  itself  must  be  de 
termined  on  ;  at  least  some  name  mu -jt  be  given  it,  whether 
it  shall  be  called  a  republican  government,  or  an  aristocray, 
or  a  monarchy.* 

*  The  author's  plan  of  arresting  the  western  insurrection,  was 
first  to  take  the  power  out  'of  the  hands  of  the  mob  by  a  delega 
tion  of  two  hundred  and  fifty,  then  by  a  committee  of  sixty,  then 
a  standing  committee,  in  fact  of  seven,  the  majority  would  rule. 
Having  made  this  arrangement,  the  insurrection  was  placed  under 
control.  The  history  of  Venice  is  a  good  illustration.  The  Senate 
was  first  elective — then  permanent — then  a  committee  of  ten — 
then  of  three,  secret  and  unknown,  consequently  entirely  irres 
ponsible. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

How  the  new  Government  worked — general  discontent- 

Under  the  present  order  of  things,  the  patronage  of  the 
Governor  was  considerable.  This  very  thing,  which  at  first 
view  would  seem  to  be  a  ground  of  his  security,  was  the  cause 
of  much  uneasiness,  and  constant  opposition  to  his  adminis 
tration.  For  not  in  one  case  out  of  ten  did  he  make  an  appoint 
ment,  but  some  concerned  became  enemies.  The  one  appoint 
ed  was  an  enemy,  because  his  appointment  was  not  as  good 
as  he  had  expected ;  and  the  others  of  the  community  were 
dissatisfied,  because  he  got  any  appointment  at  all.  For  there 
was  not  one  who  did  not  think  himself  better  entitled,  at  all 
events,  better  qualified.  Some  were  vexed  because  they  had 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  95 

not  been  chosen  Governor  themselves,  and  no  appointment 
would  have  satisfied  them.  There  was  a  weaver  amongst 
these  who  had  pretensions  to  the  chair,  and  raised  a  clamor 
against  the  constitution,  thinking  that,  in  the  confusion  that 
would  ensue,  things  being  once  more  put  into  hotch-pot,  he 
might  renew  his  chance  for  the  office  of  chief  magistrate  ;  that, 
having  failed  to  be  put  in  nomination  under  existing  circum 
stances,  he  might  have  better  luck  under  a  new  arrangement. 
A  second  chance  he  would  have  at  all  events,  and  it  might  be 
more  favorable  in  the  result;  inasmuch  as  the  very  bustle  he 
was  making  in  the  affair  of  the  new  constitution,  would  bring 
him  into  great  notice,  and  inert  ase  his  popularity,  there  being 
now  an  indifferent  mass  of  citizens  who  were  dissentients  from 
the  same  motives  with  himself,  and  might  promise  themselves 
something  from  the  confusion  of  affairs.  But  the  proposition 
of  a  new  constitution,  as  being  less  alarming  to  the  bulk,  was 
suggested  under  the  idea  of  an  amendment.  For  the  revolu 
tions  in  France  about  this  time  had  created  some  alarm,  at 
the  idea  of  changing  rapidly  all  at  once  from  one  constitution 
to  another.  But  who  was  there  who  could  have  any  reasona 
ble  apprehensions  of  risk  or  danger  from  an  amendment? 
But  it  being  thought  advisable  to  specify  some  amendments 
in  order  the  better  to  bring  about  a  convention,  there  was  no 
one  that  had  not  the  sagacity  to  find  out  aome  things  that 
might  be  put  on  a  better  footing  than  they  had  been.  As  for 
instance,  the  weaver  seemed  to  think  that  the  price  of  weaving 
ought  to  be  raised ;  and  that  no  customer  should  hereafter 
find  fault  with  the  work  done  ;  and  that  he  should  pay  for  it 
as  soon  as  it  was  done. 

All  this  seemed  reasonable,  especially  as  the  cord- 
wainer,  and  the  brick-layer,  could  easily  see  that  in  the 
course  of  the  deliberation,  it  would  naturally  take  a  wider 
range,  and  introduce  a  clause  providing  for  them  also.  For 
though  not  by  name  in  the  first  instance,  yet  all  occupations 
would  be  virtually  included  and  enjoy  the  advantage  of  the 
like  reform.  It  had  become  a  cry  pretty  much  prevailing, 


9G  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

that  the  sitting  of  the  people  should  be  permanent,  and  the 
convention  revolutionary;  so  that  whenever  and  wherever 
the  shoe  was  found  to  pinch,  it  might  be  altered. 

Amongst  the  mal-contents  with  the  constitution,  it  was  not  a 
little  unexpected  by  the  Governor,  to  find  Teague  O'Regan, 
his  late  protege  and  associate  in  his  peregrinations.  For 
notwithstanding  he  had,  in  the  first  instance,  been  appointed 
cryer  of  the  court,  and  in  the  next,  advanced  to  the  grade  of 
auctioneer,  he  was  dissatisfied  because  he  had  not  been  made 
Chief  Justice,  or  advanced  to  that  of  Secretary  of  State.  For 
these  reasons  he  was  amongst  the  loudest  for  a  reform,  and 
proposed  an  assembling  of  the  whole  people,  once  more  to  fix 
upon  a  new  constitution.  The  governor  conceiving  himself 
to  have  some  kind  of  right  to  control  and  regulate  the  ambi 
tion  of  his  bog-trotter,  took  an  opportunity  to  expostulate  with 
him  on  the  danger  and  inexpediency  of  the  proposition  at  this 
time  ;  and  more  particularly  on  the  indelicacy  of  persons  new 
ly  come  into  the  country,  taking  upon  them  to  be  the  first  to 
propose  a  revision  of  that  frame  of  government,  which  they 
had  found  prepared  for  them,  and  what,  on  becoming  citizens, 
they  were  under  an  implied  obligation  to  support. 

"Teague,"  said  he,  "you  cannot  but  recollect  the  inconsid* 
erable  station  from  which  I  originally  advanced  you  ;  being  a 
redemptioner  on  board  a  ship  from  Cork  in  Ireland.  In  fact, 
though  you  call  yourself  a  redemptioner,  you  were  a  bound 
servant  for  years,  and  in  such  capacity  you  were  under  an 
obligation  to  serve  me,  nevertheless,  I  treated  you  as  a  re- 
demptioner,  paid  the  money  for  you,  the  passage-money,  and 
told  you  that  as  soon  as  you  had  served  me  to  the  amount  of 
it,  at  the  yearly  hiring  of  a  laboring  person,  I  would  give  you 
your  liberty.  The  business  that  I  set  you  about  might  be 
called  drudgery,  because  you  were  fit  for  nothing  else ;  but 
did  I  not,  as  soon  as  I  conveniently  could,  endeavor  to  amend 
your  station,  by  taking  you  with  me  almost  in  the  light  of  a 
companion  in  my  rambles  ?  In  the  course  of  these,  in  propor 
tion  as  I  saw  an  opening,  I  was  disposed  to  advance  you  still 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  97 

more,  and  to  bring  you  forward.  Was  it  my  fault,  if,  in  these 
prospects,  which  seemed  to  be  occasionally  flattering,  there 
were  some  disappointments  ?  You  know  well  what  happen 
ed,  from  first  to  last,  and  what  sort  of  a  judge  you  made  on 
the  bench. 

"Have  I  not  done  as  much  for  you  as  I  well  could  do,  since 
coming  to  this  new  country,  and  my  advance  to  the  chair  of 
government  ?  Did  I  not  make  you  a  crier  of  the  court,  and 
are  you  not  now  an  auctioneer  ?  What  reason  had  you  to 
expect  that  I  should  make  you  a  chief  justice,  even  though 
you  did  read  law  a  while,  and  had  been  upon  the  bench  in 
another  place?  This  very  circumstance,  if  no  other,  was  a 
reason  against  it ;  for  it  gave  me  an  opportunity  of  knowing 
you  were  not  fit  for  it.  You  have  not  the  patience  of  a  judge 
even  if  you  had  all  other  qualifications.  I  could  not  make 
you  secretary,  for  you  cannot  write ;  and  though  you  might 
act  by  deputy,  yet  it  is  but  an  awkward  thing  for  a  man  to 
be  secretary,  which  imports  by  the  usage  of  the  term,  some 
ability  to  minute  matters,  and  not  to  be  able  to  write  his  own 
name.  It  is  impossible  for  me  not  to  know  that  whatever  you 
and  the  others  of  you  who  call  out  for  a  new  constitution  are 
moved,  not  by  your  own  opinion  of  defects  visible  in  the  old, 
but  because  you  think  a  new  may  be  more  favorable  to  your 
particular  pretensions.  But  setting  aside  all  that  could  be 
said  on  this  alleged  point  of  private  views  on  your  part  and 
theirs,  is  there  not  some  decency  to  be  observed  on  your  part, 
in  coming  into  this  country,  in  proposing  innovations  ?  Can 
a  bog-trotter  just  from  Ireland  like  you,  be  supposed  to  be 
cognizant  of  the  genius  of  the  people  sufficiently  to  form  a 
constitution  for  them  ?  It  is  the  most  delicate  thing  in  the 
world  to  undertake  to  find  fault  with  that  which  they  have 
formed  ?  I  feel  it  on  my  part  a  matter  of  peculiar  delicacy 
to  support  an  opinion.  It  hurts  me  even  that  you,  lately  in 
my  train,  should  cavil  against  it,  lest  it  should  be  supposed  to 
be  at  my  prompting  ;  though  there  can  be  no  ground  of  pre 
sumption  that  I  who  have  been  complimented  with  the  gov- 
vol.  4,  8* 


98  MobEftft  CHiVALfcY. 

eminent,  could  cabal  to  overturn  it.  Yet  one  cannot  tell  what 
those  who  are  the  advocates  of  what  they  call  a  reform  may 
do,  or  say,  in  order  to  acquire  weight  to  their  machinations. 
They  may  pretend,  that  I,  who  hold  an  office  under  the  consti 
tution  and  am  sworn  to  support  it,  do  not  approve  of  it.  They 
will  allege  in  proof  of  this,  my  having  an  officer  who  is  fore 
most  in  his  vociferation  for  a  change.  You  do  not  consider, 
Teague,  where  this  may  end.  The  termination  in  France  we 
have  all  seen ;  it  was  the  guillotine.  You  ought  to  know  some 
thing  of  the  guillotine,  for  you  made  a  narrow  escape  from  it. 
It  is  a  horrible  instrument;  and  the  meddler  with  constitutions 
is  in  danger  of  coming  under  it.  It  is  best  for  a  man  to  pur 
sue  the  even  tenor  of  his  way.  In  order  to  be  safe  from  the 
irons  of  a  saw-mill,  let  the  unskilful  beware  of  meddling  with 
the  wheels.  In  the  same  manner  I  may  say  that  the  prudent 
man  will  keep  aloof,  at  these  times,  from  the  danger  of  unrea 
sonably  intruding  himself  as  a  mender  of  constitutions. 
Agreeably  to  this  is  the  distich  of  the  poet, 

"  Ah  me,  what  perils  do  environ, 
The  man  that  meddles  with  cold  iron," 

You  enjoy  the  lucrative  office  of  an  auctioneer  and  having 
seen  a  great  deal  of  the  world,  ought  to  have  begun  to  learn 
that  those  who  advise,  have  not  always  the  interest  of  those 
whom  they  advise,  in  view.  May  it  not  be  in  order  to  serve 
themselves  and  perhaps  in  the  turn  of  affairs  to  get  your  office, 
that  persons  flatter  your  vanity  as  whom  it  becomes  to  put 
yourself  at  the  head  of  a  reform  in  the  state  ?  I  would  not  be 
willing  to  take  an  oath  that  even  some  of  your  own  country 
men  may  not  have  sinister  ends  in  view,  in  putting  you  upon 
this  project.  For  that  you  are  propelled,  I  am  strongly  incli 
ned,  to  think  as  I  have  always  found  you  yourself  disposed  to 
be_contented  with  your  station,  except  in  cases  where  the  mis 
taken  notions  of  others  working  upon  your  inexperience  and 
mine,  have  misled  our  understandings." 
These  reasonings  had  weight  with  the  bog-trotter,  and  more 


MODERN   CHIVALRY* 

especially  that  part  of  the  expostulation  which  respected  the 
danger  of  the  guillotine.  But  though  intimidated,  and  of 
himself  disposed  to  cease  his  opposition  to  the  constitution, 
and  his  clamor  for  a  reform,  yet  his  countrymen  out  of  doors, 
and  others  of  the  multitude,  desirous  of  a  change,  still  contin 
ued  active  at  vendues,  particularly,  to  urge  the  bog-trotter  to 
a  perseverance  in  his  endeavors  in  favor  of  what  they  called 
liberty,  a  word  very  liable  to  be  abused,  from  its  generality, 
or  vagueness. 

There  was  no  station  that  could  put  him  so  much  in  the 
way  of  being  wrought  upon  by  the  designing,  as  that  of  auc 
tioneer.  For  it  subjected  him  to  flattery,  giving  an  opportu 
nity  to  compliment  the  strength  of  his  voice,  his  vein  of  hu 
mor,  which  term  they  could  give  to  his  coarse  jokes,  and  call 
it  wit.  The  bottle  occasionally  going  about,  as  iff  the  custom 
in  the  country,  using  which,  drew  from  the  crowd  also 
much  applause ;  for  in  proportion  as  the  crier  was  pleased,  he 
put  about  the  bottle,  and  it  came  in  the  way  of  the  man  that 
had  given  the  last  bid.  It  was  indeed  a  matter  of  complaint 
against  him  by  those  who  had  articles  to  sell  that  he  would  sus 
pend  the  hammer  ;  or  more  properly  the  mallet  that  he  used, 
he  would  stand  with  it  lifted  up,  until  some  one  had  finished 
what  he  had  to  say  about  the  constitution.  And  instead  of 
announcing  the  name  of  the  article  put  up,  describing  its  util 
ity,  and  expatiating  on  its  value,  he  would  forget  himself,  and 
instead  of  a  good  thing,  this,  or  that,  he  would  call  out,  "an 
excellent  constitution;  not  at  half  its  value  ;  who  bids  more, 
another  cent  buys  the  whistle.  Three  times." 

There  were  petitions  for  removal  on  this  ground.  But  what 
could  the  governor  do  ?  The  mania  had  become  general.  Not 
an  individual  was  not  affected  with  the  rage  of  constitution 
making  ;  not  an  occupation,  in  the  exercise  of  which  some 
thing  relative  to  amending  at  least,  the  constitution,  did  not 
break  out  in  the  language  that  was  used.  It  was  not  alone  in 
the  case  of  the  auctioneer,  that  such  a  derangement,  as  it 
might  be  called,  had  begun  to  show  itself;  but  with  persons> 
in  almost  every  other  employment.  The  common  mechanic 


100  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

and  laborer,  were  led  away,  both  in  speaking  and  acting,  with 

an  enthusiasm  for  a  change  of  constitution. 

"I  saw  a  smith  stand  with  his  hammer  thus  : 
The  whilst  his  iron  did  on  the  anvil  cool, 
With  open  mouth  swallowing," 

the  news  about  a  constitution. 

A  tailor  was  asked  what  he  was  now  making  ?  He  said  the 
constitution. 

A  tinker,  what  he  was  now  mending  ?  He  replied,  the  con 
stitution. 

All  that  could  write  had  drawn  up  forms  ;  all  that  could  not 
write,  had  meditated  forms,  and  were  reciting  them  to  their 
neighbors.  It  was  amusing  to  attend  to  the  various  sugges 
tions  of  the  fancy  of  these  improvisatori,  or  extempore  makers 
of  constitutions.  Some  proposed  for  an  article,  the  having  a 
provision  to  fatten  hogs,  without  corn  ;  and  it  was  in  vain  to 
explain  to  them  that  this  did  not  depend  upon  the  constitution 
of  the  government ;  but  on  that  of  the  hog.  Some  wanted 
chickens  hatched  without  eggs ;  others  harvests  raised  without 
the  trouble  of  sowing  seed.  All  were  for  an  amelioration  of 
things  in  the  natural  or  moral  world. 

A  groupe  had  got  together  at  a  distillery ;  and  were  endea 
voring  to  put  into  words,  what  they  would  wish,  with  regard 
to  the  article  of  extracting  more  whiskey  out  of  a  bushel  of 
grain.  But  they  were  not  all  of  them  iu  a  capacity  to  articu 
late  the  article  just  then,  and  so  it  fell  through  for  that  time. 

In  order  to*  acquire  knowledge  on  the  subject  of  constitu 
tions,  where  any  one  entertained  a  suspicion  that  he  had  not 
sufficient  information,  which  was  a  rare  case,  he  applied  him 
self  to  study  the  hiding  places,  or  edifices  of  beasts  and  birds. 
For  instinct  is  surer  than  reason.  One  man  of  very  honest 
investigation,  was  stung  in  the  face  as  he  was  inspecting  a 
wasp's  nest,  and  his  face  became  much  swollen,  and  was  kept 
in  countenance  only  by  another,  who  was  in  something  of  the 
tjame  plight,  from  a  hive  of  bees  into  which  he  had  thrust  his 
nose.  That  republic  being  much  celebrated,  it  was  thought 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  101 

the  purest  model  that  could  be  studied.  A  diligent  observer 
of  the  flight  of  wild  geese  and  of  the  manner  in  which  one 
stands  sentry  for  the  flock,  when  they  alight  to  feed,  drew 
thence  what  he  thought  a  good  lesson,  towards  qualifying  him 
for  the  task  of  new  modeling  a  frame  of  government.  But 
the  play  upon  the  word  goose  which  this  naturally  drew  upon 
him,  threw  it  into  ridicule.  For  it  was  observed  that  he  must 
be  a  goose  who  would  think  of  modelling  a  constitution  after 
geese.  By  others  it  was  called  a  wild  goose  chase  that  he  was 
upon,  and  little  attention  was  paid  to  his  draught. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

Thephrenzy  of  Constitution  mending  still  continues — The  Gov 
ernor's  address  to  Irish  emigrants. 

In  this  phrenzy  of  the  public  mind,  it  is  not  to  be  dissem 
bled,  that  the  most  active  of  the  constitution  menders,  were 
those  who  had  ruined  their  own  constitution,  or  that  of  their 
estates.  It  was  observable  also,  that  emigrants  from  beyond 
seas,  and  especially  from  the  green  Isle  of  Erin,  were  the 
most  forward  in  offering  themselves  for  this  service.  Not 
knowing  the  trouble  of  making  a  constitution,  they  thought  it 
light  work;  being  in  the  habit  of  calling  out  against  the  exist 
ing  government  at  home,  they  did  not  distinguish  that  par 
tiality  which  the  people  here  must  have  for  the  work  of  their 
own  hands,  and  their  unwillingness  to  have  assistance  not 
asked,  but  forced  upon  th?m.  At  all  events,  supposing  them 
justifiable  in  the  Innovation,  it  cannot  be  maintained  that  the 
volunteers  were  altogether  discreet,  in  the  time  of  undertaking 
it. 

A  number  of  these  who  had  come  from  the  county  Mona- 
ghan,  and  other  places,  being  together,  singing  Erin-go  bragh, 
and  talking  politics,  the  governor  having  actually  a  regard 
for  them,  as  a  well  meaning,  but  impetuous  multitude,  thought 


102  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

proper  to  address  them  and  remonstrate  against  their  proceed 
ings.  A  minute  of  his  discourse  has  been  given  me,  and  I 
have  set  it  down  here  to  diversify  the  narration, 

"Gentlemen  of  the  bogs,"  said  he,  "or  green  fields  of  Erin  : 
for  in  the  geography  of  your  country,  you  talk  of  bogs ;  but 
in  your  songs  we  hear  of  nothing  but  fields.  For  that  reason 
I  shall  speak  of  fields, 

"Gentlemen  of  the  green  fields  of  Erin,  when  I  oast  my  eye 
over  the  Atlantic  Ocean,  or  rather  cast  it  upon  the  map,  I  see 
your  island  like  an  emerald  as  you  call  it,  set  in  the  waves. 
It  is  a  pretty  little  spot,  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  I  was  going 
to  say,  face  of  the  water.  Of  the  internal  geography  I  do  not 
know  much,  but  I  have  heard  of  Limerick,  and  Drogheda,  and 
Sligo,  and  other  places — the  Cunabula  gentium,  the  birth 
place  of  your  parentage.  But  as  to  those,  I  have  n  >t  much 
attended  to  them  ;  my  attachment  is  chiefly  to  the  history  of 
the  people.  I  know  your  origin,  if  I  am  to  believe  some,  and 
I  am  inclined  to  believe  them,  that  you  are  of  Punic  origin, 
that  you  have  in  you  the  blood  of  the  Asdrubals,  and  Haniil- 
cars,  and  Hannibals  of  antiquity.  But  as  the  poet  says, 
Genus,  et  proavos,  et  quas  non  fecimus  ipsi, 

Vix  ea  nostra  voco. 

I  set  more  store  by  what  has  been  done  upon  your  inland  in 
the  persors  of  your  immediate  progenitors.  I  am  not  unac 
quainted  with  the  fame  of  many  great  characters;  Fin  McCoul, 
and  Brian  Borumy,  and  others.  But  for  your  divisions  in 
your  own  country,  you  might  have  been  England,  and  Eng 
land  Ireland.  And  though  insinuations  have  been  made  by 
writers  of  a  proneness  to  rob  on  the  highways  by  some  of  you, 
I  do  not  wonder  at  there  being  some  truth  in  this.  It  cannot 
be  a  matter  of  surprise,  if  after  the  military  spirit  of  a  brave 
people  has  subsided  by  subjugation,  it  should  break  out  into 
petty  robberies  of  the  proud  victor,  and  a  disposition  should 
remain  for  a  long  time,  to  indemnify  one's  self  at  the  expense 
of  the  conquerors,  for  the  loss  of  private  fortune.  What  could 
have  been  expected  of  those  who  were  so  cruelly  expelled 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  103 

from  the  north  of  your  country,  the  four  counties  of  Ulster, 
but  that  they  would  turn  free-booters?  I  find  no  fault  with 
the  opposition  made  to  the  government  of  England;  for  you 
have  been  oppressed  by  it ;  and  I  do  not  wonder  that  a  reform 
was  thought  of,  and  zealously  attempted  by  your  parliament; 
though  I  do  not  approve  the  irregular,  and  consequently  use 
less  disturbances,  by  hearts  of  oak,  as  they  were  called;  hearts 
of  steel,  'White  boys/  'Peep  o'  day  boys/  who  broke  the  peace 
of  the  country.  For  of  what  avail  is  disjointed  opposition ; 
partial  insurrections,  which,  like  the  struggles  of  beasts  of 
burden,  serve  but  the  more  to  entangle,  and  furnish  a  reason 
or  at  least  a  pretence  for  weightier  chains,  and  stronger  gear 
ing  for  the  futuie?  However  good  your  cause,  and  I  will 
acknowledge  that  it  is  my  opinion  there  could  have  been  no 
better,  yet,  from  immature  exertions,  and  a  want  of  concert, 
some  of  you  have  been  under  the  necessity  of  absconding,  and 
others  of  you  have  been  shot.  Those  of  you  who  have  come 
to  this  country  ought  to  distinguish  circumstances.  You  have 
no  doubt  meditated  much,  the  greater  part  of  you,  upon  polit 
ical  establishments  ;  but  it  is  not  a  Lycurgus,  or  a  Solon  that 
is  wanted  so  much  at  this  time,  as  cultivators  of  the  soil.  The 
government  that  is  already  framed,  may  do  a  while,  until  we 
get  more  ground  cleared,  and  fences  put  in  repair.  You  will 
not  for  a  moment  entertain  the  suspicion  that  I  undervalue 
your  capacity  for  these  things;  but  1  make  a  query  with  re. 
gard  to  the  expediency  of  your  taking  a  very  active  part  in 
the  administration,  and  becoming  zealous,  but  hap-hazzard 
partizans.  You  have  all  heard  of  what  has  happened  in  the 
neighboring  country  of  France,  from  instability  in  govern 
ment,  and  from  a  change  of  constitution.  The  guillotine  was 
the  result ;  you  have  all  heard  of  the  guillotine." 

The  crowd,  or  some  one  in  the  crowd,  acknowledged  that 
they  had  heard  of  the  guillotine  ;  but  had  not  a  perfect 
knowledge  or  clear  conception  of  what  it  was. 

It  is,  continued  the  governor,  a  machine  which  works,  as  I 
understand  it,  something  like  a  farmer's  cutting-box.  But 
the  noise  resembles  that  of  a  forge  hammer,  or  a  slitting  mill. 


104  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

Governor,  replied  an  crator,  it  is  not  the  sound  of  iron,  or 
the  working  of  hand-saws,  that  would  intimidate  an  Irishman; 
nor  is  it  that  we  think  we  can  make  a  better  constitution  than 
the  one  that  is  made,  or  set  up  a  better  government  than  that 
cf  which  your  honor  is  the  worthy  representative  and  chief 
magistrate ,  but  just  coming  to  the  country,  we  like  to  be 
concerned  in  what  is  going  ft r ward — When  we  see  the  game 
played,  we  like  to  take  a  hand.  When  we  see  a  riot  going  on 
we  like  to  flourish  a  febilelah  with  the  rest.  Nor  is  it  we 
alone  are  moving  in  the  matter.  It  is  your  own  people  that 
have  been  bred  and  born  in  the  country,  that  make  the  most 
ado.  We  only  come  in  to  take  a  lift  at  the  log ;  just  as  our 
forefathers  did  in  the  war  that  is.  past,  where  some  of  us  were 
shot  as  well  as  yourselves.  Having  cleared  the  ground  of  the 
British,  along  with  you,  we  are  entitled  to  the  raising  a  cabin 
on  the  spot ;  you  may  call  it  a  constitution,  or  what  you  j  lease. 
But  all  we  want  is  a  bit  of  ground  to  set  potatoes,  and  to 
plant  cabbage,  with  the  free  use  of  the  shilelah  into  the  bar 
gain,  as  we  had  it  in  our  own  country. 

That  being  the-.case,  said  the  governor,  the  constitution 
that  you  have,  will  answer  every  purpose.  It  is  for  securing 
you  in  your  possessions  ;  and  the  free  use  of  the  shilelah  sub 
ordinate  to  no  law  but  that  of  the  country,  that  the  government 
has  been  adopted.  But  for  it  and  the  laws,  what  would  you 
differ  from  the  racoons  and  opposums  of  the  woods?  It  is 
this  which  makes  all  the  difference  we  find  between  man  and 
beast. 

This  was  an  unfortunate  expression  of  the  governor,  and 
gave  countenance  to  the  theory  that  had  begun  to  prevail 
about  this  time,  that  there  was  no  radical  difference  between 
man  and  beast.  And  of  this  we  may  hear  more  in  the  subse 
quent  chapters  of  this  book.  But  not  being  in  a  hurry  with 
this  narrative,  we  shall  not  go  on  with  the  history  of  this 
phrenzy  of  imagination  junt  immediately.  It  is  time  to  rest  a 
while  ;  that  is;  to  dip  the  pen  till  one  looks  about  and  reflects 
upon  what  has  gone  before,  and  may  come  after.  What  that 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  10$ 

mtiy  be  I  cannot  well  say ;  for  though  I  have  all  the  matter 
of  the  book  in  my  head,  I  have  not  arranged  it  in  the  series 
and  juncture  of  the  particulars,  so  that  I  can  tell  before  hand 
what  will  come  next.  My  pen  moves  almost  involuntarily, 
from  the  mere  habit  of  writing;  like  people  that  speak  with 
out  being  aware  of  what  they  say.  And  this  unconcern  arises 
from  a  consciousness  that  I  have  no  harm  in  my  mind,  and 
therefore  there  can  come  none  out ;  I  mean,  actual  and  in 
tentional  harm.  If  the  maxim  is  true,  quod  non  kabet,  non 
dabit,  I  can  give  no  offence  to  any  one,  for  I  mean  none. 
For,  notwithstanding  all  that  has  been  said,  or  suspected,  I 
never  had  a  single  individual  in  my  mind,  in  characters  I 
have  drawn ;  but  have  been  dipping  my  pen  simply  in  the 
inkstand  of  human  nature.  If  any  man  sees  himself  in  this 
glass,  tanquam  in  speculum  it  is  his  own  fault  to  put  his 
face  near  it.  For,  it  is  not  my  intention  to  put  the  glass  to 
him.  I  will  acknowledge  that  a  principal  object  with  me  is 
amusement,  and  I  would  hope  to  keep  it  innocent,  if  I  cannot 
make  it  useful,  and  I  do  not  see  why  it  may  not  bo  considered 
as  having  the  like  chance  for  this,  with  the  fable  of  Menenius 
Agrippa  about  the  belly  and  its  members  ;  or  any  of  those 
which  are  called  ^Esop's,  under  the  similitudes  of  beasts  and 
birds  speaking.  But  be  this  as  it  may,  if  we  should  miss  the 
mark,  all  that  can  be  said,  is  that,  if  we  mean  instruction,  we 
have  an  awkward  way  of  conveying  it. 

But  call  it  even  our  own  amusement  alone,  that  we  have  in 
view ;  it  is  a  picture  of  human  nature,  from  childhood  to  old 
age  ;  from  the  baby-house  to  the  laying  out  money  in  bank 
stock ;  or  the  purchasing  land  for  which  the  owner  has  no 
occasion.  It  all  goes  to  engage,  and  employ  the  mind, 
whether  it  is  throwing  a  long  bullet,  or  drawing  up  an  ad 
dress  to  the  president  of  the  United  States.  Our  hands  must 
be  employed,  or  our  minds.  And  this  I  take  to  be  a  great 
cause  of  the  restlessness  of  a  mac  in  society,  or  out  of  it — the 
activity  of  the  mental  power.  And  in  proportion  as  a  man 
has  less  or  more  of  the  vis  inertice,  in  that  proportion  is  he 
locomotive  or  stationary.  vol.  4,  9 


106  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

The  Convention  of  delegates  to  frame  the  Constitution. 

IT  being  understood  that  a  constitution  by  ten,  or  even 
twenty  men,  would  be  a  thing  of  bad  fame,  the  decemviri 
among  the  Romans  having  got  a  bad  name,  it  was  agreed  to 
call  a  convention  of  delegates,  the  time,  places,  and  manner 
of  choosing  which,  was  pointed  out. 

"  Tantae  molies  erat  Romanam  eondera  gentem." 

It  is  no  small  work  to  form  a  government  for  a  people  ;  and 
after  all  it  can  only  grow  out  of  their  previous  habits  and 
opinions.  Without  conforming  to  them,  you  might  as  well 
attempt  to  dress  up  a  fine  lady,  by  tossing  her  garments  on  her 
with  a  pitch  fork.  Constitutions  cannot  be  made — they  must 
grow. 

It  was  necessary  that  information  should  be  communicated. 
But  as  a  journal  or  gazette  might  not  reach  all,  or  if  it  did 
reach  them,  they  might  not  be  able  to  read,  runners  were 
despatched,  Tom,  Drck,  and  Harry,  to  cirry  the  intelligence. 
The  Captain's  posse  comitatus,  Harum  Scarum,  O'Fin,  the 
Irishman,  &c.  having  notices  written  out  in  a  fair  hand,  were 
ordered  on  their  travels,  through  bush,  brake  and  wood-land, 
to  post  them  up  in  conspicuous  places. 

Due  notice  having  been  now  given,  and,  on  the  day,  a 
chosen  few  having  been  selectei  from  the  primary  meetings, 
which,  by  the  bye,  were  not  always  very  numerous ;  for,  in 
some  places,  the  father  chose  the  son,  and  in  other  places  the 
son  the  father ;  these,  I  say,  being  met,  proceeded  to  debate 
on  the  principles  of  the  great  magna  charta  of  a  constitution. 
And,  as  at  Runnymede,  it  was  literally  under  an  oak,  or  rather 
a  grove  of  oaks,  that  they  were  convened,  a  matter  of  debate 
was,  whether  every  th'ng  that  wore  a  head  should  have  a  vote 
in  choosing  legislators.  It  was  restrained  to  the  male  kind  ; 
of  course,  females  were  excluded.  But,  should  boys  come  in? 


MODERN     CHIVLARY,  107 

tl  at  was  the  question.  Not  unless  full  grown  boys.  But  at 
what  age  c*oes  the  body  come  to  its  full  growth?  Not  until 
the  age  of  2$,  says  doctor  Jameson,  a  physician  of  Chelten 
ham,  in  his  treatise  on  the  body,  does  it  come  to  its  full 
growth.  It  spreads  until  that  time.  But  impatience  to  have 
the  rights  of  men,  prevailed  with  some  delegates,  and  they 
were  of  opinion  to  dock  off  seven  years,  and  to  fix  the  age  of 
virility  at  21 ;  for  that  was  the  age  of  the  common  law,  in 
most  of  the  other  states. 

But  should  the  suffrage  be  universal,  or  with  a  qualification 
of  property — not  real  property  ?  that  was  out  of  the  question  : 
for  every  check  ought  to  be  put  upon  engrossing  the  soil,  as 
the  population  of  the  country  depended  upon  restricting  to  a 
small  share. 

Camillus  had  but  four  acres,  said  the  Latin  schoolmaster ; 
and  well  cultivated,  that  might  suffice  any  one.  At  all  events 
it  was  not  good  policy  to  hold  out  any  encouargement  to 
engross  land. 

But  it  was  agreed  that  every  man  should  have  a  vote  in 
proportion  to  his  stock.  For  this  was  originally  the  meaning 
of  the  word  chattels.  We  shall  hear  more  of  this  anon :  for 
it  led  to  an  opinion  in  the  sequel,  that  beasts  themselves 
should  vote. 

Cujum  pec*.:s  ?  an  Milliboei  ? 

Said  the  Latin  schoolmaster. 

The  next  question  was,  shall  a  majority  rule  ?  That  is» 
shall  the  greater  portion  of  the  whole  number  of  votes — or 
merely  a  plurality,  the  greater  number  of  votes  actually  given 
or  the  highest  on  the  list  of  candidates,  without  reference  to 
the  number  of  voters,  or  shall  there  be  unanimity  or  concur 
rence  of  all  the  voters  ?  The  latter  is  doubtless  the  pure  dem 
ocratic  principle,  which  supposes  each  voter  a  sovereign,  and 
every  voter  equal  to  every  other  voter.  Such  is  the  case  in 
the  diet,  or  meeting  of  sovereign  kings,  all  equal.  It  is  so  at 
the  polish  diet,  or  conclave  of  cardinals  electing  a  Pope. 
They  must  all  agree.  The  majority,  or  the  plurality  may  be 


108  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

called  the  republican  principle,  to  distinguish  it;  and  it  is  more 
convenient  than  the  unanimity,  which  is  the  democratic.  Yet 
it  is  the  principle  of  arbitrary  power,  or  force,  only  one  remove 
frc  m  despotism.  That  majority  acting  unreasonably,  or  unt_ 
justly,  may  act  tyranically.  Constitutions,  checks,  and  bal 
ances,  are  the  safeguards  against  this  arbitrary,  despotic 
power.  It  is  inconvenient,  and  dangerous,  to  despise  large 
minorities.  In  the  British  House  of  Commons,  where  the  ma 
jority  of  the  Ministry  is  small,  it  is  regarded  as  condemned  by 
the  country,  and  they  resign.  Compromise  grows  out  of  thief 
power  of  large  minorities  ;  it  is  a  blessed  spirit  and  the  great 
peace  maker,  It  stands  between  the  depotism  of  the  majority 
and  the  rights  of  the  minority.  It  is  a  mutual  concession,  of 
legal  rights  on  one  side,  and  natural  rights  on  the  other.  All 
compacts,  or  constitutions,  have  this  character.  There  were 
seme  who  insisted,  that  except  as  to  the  qualification  to  vote, 
there  should  be  no  constitution  at  all ;  but  that,  bound  by  no 
girdle,  and  no  regular  distribution  of  powers,  or  restraint  on 
the  majority,  the  representatives,  when  convened,  should  have 
free  scope,  without  restraint  from  preconceived  rules,  or  set 
forms,  shackling  the  understanding,  but  that  it  should  be  as 
nearly  as  possible  a  pure  democracy.  Some  were  for  con 
fining  their  duty  ta  the  preparing  laws,  as  a  committee,  to 
be  voted  on  by  ballot  by  the  people.  All  hands  aloft  to  man 
the  states  ship. 

O  navis  tibi  creditam — 

Said  the  schoolmaster.  It  was  at  length  resolved  by  show 
ing  hands,  that  a  constitution,  after  the  model  of  the  states, 
should  be  adopted. 

The  Captain  was  re-elected  Governor. 

The'blind  lawyer  Chief  Justice. 

O'Fin,  Sheriff. 

the  Tinker,  Attorney  General* 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  100 


CHAPTER   XX. 

Universal  suffrage—  shall  it  be  confined  to  rational  creatures,  or 
may  horses,  sheep,  and  other  cattle  vote? 

THE  new  constitution  had  hardly  gone    into  operation, 
before  new  discussions  took  place.      Various  questions  were 
agitated.      One  of  the  first  -was  the  propriety  of  universal 
suffrage,  that  is,  whether  every  poll  should  poll,  or  have  a 
vote;  or  that  property  should  also  vote.      If  property  alone, 
the  question  would  arise,  whether  soil  only  ;  or  also  goods  and 
chattels.  If  soil  only,  to  what  quantity  or  quality,  shall  the  suf 
frage  be  attached  ?  An  hundred  acres  of  soil  of  a  bad  quality, 
may  not  have  the  intrinsic  worth  of  one  of  good.     How  should 
an  inspector,  or  judge  of  an  election,  determine  on  the  quality 
unless  the  owner  brings  a  sample  with  him,  as  the  man  who 
had  his  house  to  sell,  brought  a  brick.      This  would  be  an 
inconvenience  ;  and  would  render  it  impracticable  to  escape 
frauds.     For  a  man  might  dig  a  sample  from  hia  neighbor's, 
and  pass  it  for  his  own.    And  as  to  quantity,  the  occupier  of 
the  greater  quantity,  is  the  less  valuable  citizen,  especially 
who  holds  more  than  he  cultivates,  because  he  neither  eats 
the  hay,  nor  lets  another  eat  it.      It  is  preposterous  that  soil 
should  vote  ;  a  dumb  field,  a  dead  tree  with  a  crow's  nest 
upon  it;  an  hazle  bush  ;  a  morass,  or  a  barren  mountain;  or 
even  a  hill  with  a  tuft  of  oaks  upon  it.      These  are  all  inani 
mate  substances ;  how  can  they  vote  ?      For  goods  and  chat 
tels,  something  might  be  said ;  a  live  beast  particularly,  as 
the  animal  could  not  speak,  not  with  a  viva  voce^vote,  like 
a  man ;  more  hiimano,  like  a  human  creature.    But  with  some 
guttural  sound  from  the   throat,  or  fauces,  which  might  be 
called  its  own  ;  and  not  like  the  tree  with  a  turkey-buzzard 
on  it ;  and  which  is  not  its  own  voice.     I  mean  that  of  the 
tree,  said  the  speaker,  who  was  running  on  this  manner ;  and 
vol.  4,  9* 


110  MODERN     CHIVALRY^       . 

jet  it  is  advocated  that  stocks  and  stones,  that  go  with  the 
soil,  shall  have  a  vote.  There  might  be  some  reason  in  im 
provements  voting — a  brick  house  or  a  dutch-barn — but  none 
at  all  in  the  mere  brutum  tellus  of  an  estate. 

This  had  led  the  way  to  an  hypothesis,  that  property  in 
moveables  should  alone  entitle ;  and  this,  after  some  debate, 
began  to  be  narrowed  down  to  property  in  living  animals; 
especially  to  useful  quadrupeds,  and  those  of  full  growth,  and 
who  had  come  to  yeara,  I  will  not  say  of  discretion,  but  of 
maturity.  From  the  light  thrown  upon  the  subject,  the  right 
of  suffrage  to  grown  cattle  had  become  so  popular,  that  there 
was  no  resisting  it;  not  that,  viva  voce,  it  was  proposed  or 
thought  of,  that  inartieulating  speaking  creatures  should 
speak  out,  or  name  their  representatives,  nor  even  that  they 
give  in  a  ballot,  but  that  they  should  be  brought  upon  the 
ground  to  show  their  faces,  that  there  might  be  no  imposition* 
the  voters  alleging  that  they  had  cattle  when  they  had  not. 

But  it  was  not  to  every  owner's  beast  that  it  was  advisable 
to  extend  the  right ;  but  only  to  the  more  valuable  animals : 
or  such  as  were  of  a  good  breed ;  Virginia  horses  that  are  fit 
for  the  saddle  or  the  turf. 

It  may  seem  very  strange ;  but  actually  the  thing  took  • 
and  at  a  polling,  some  time  after,  it  began  to  be  carried  into 
effect,  that  beasts  should  be  constituents,  and  have  their  rep 
resentatives.  It  was  not  to  the  principle,  but  the  individual 
beast  that  some  exceptions  took  place ;  as  for  instance,  an 
English  bull  was  brought  upon  the  hustings  to  give  his  vote. 
We  will  have  no  English  bull,  said  the  inspectors.  Not  that 
a  brute  beast  is  not  entitled  to  a  vote,  nor  that  a  bull 
cannot  vote  or  be  voted  for  ;  but  this  is  an  English  bull.  No 
English  bull  can  vote.  You  might  as  well  bring  an  English 
man  himself  to  the  polls.  It  is  in  right  of  the  bull-keeper,  or 
bull-owner,  that  the  bull  claims  the  suffrage.  If  an  English 
man,  himself,  not  naturalized,  is  excluded,  how  can  his  bul 
or  his  horse,  or  any  other  quadruped  be  admitted  ?  It  would 
be  sufficient  to  set  aside  the  electron  if  his  ticket  was  intro 


MODERN     CHIVALRY,  111 

duced.  A  bull  indeed!  The  name  of  John  Bull  is  appro 
priate  to  an  Englishman.  An  Irish  bull  is  quite  another 
matter  ;  John  Bull  shall  have  no  voter  here. 

In  the  mean  time,  a  man  on  an  iron  grey  horse  rode  up  to 
the  window,  which  was  open  for  receiving  tickets,  and  une 
quivocally  insisted  on  a  vcte  for  his  horse.  Vouchers  stood 
by,  who  averred  that  he  was  foaled  in  the  county ;  that,  horse 
and  colt,  they  had  known  him  many  years ;  that  as  to  hi& 
paying  taxes,  they  could  not  so  well  say,  unless  his  labour 
on  the  farm  could  be  considered  as  paying  tax. 

And  now,  the  horse  putting  his  nose  in  at  the  window, 
taking  it  for  a  rack,  an  inspector  gave  him  a  fillip  on  the 
snout,  which  resenting,  the  owner  wheeling  round,  the  horse 
•wheeling  under  him,  he  rode  over  one  or  more  of  the  by 
standers  who  were  in  the  way. 

It  may  be  material  to  mention  that  the  horse's  mane  and 
tail  were  black,  to  distiguish  him  from  a  grey  horse  that  be 
longed  to  another  person.  A  warm  controversy  arose  on  the 
subject,  some  taking  the  one  side,  and  some  the  other.  Some 
also  stood  mute,  not  choosing  to  take  part  in  election  disputes. 
Others,  were  very  positive  and  violent.  Such  is  the  result  of 
strong  passions,  when  not  under  the  control  of  reason  and 
reflection.  Weak  persons  are  always  the  most  positive, 
because  they  cannot  afford  the  acknowledgment  of  an  error. 
It  will  not  do  to  admit  fallibility  ;  for  there  is  no  knowing 
how  far  the  inference  may  be  drawn. 

Another  man  came  up,  who  brought  a  sheep  to  the  polls ;"  a 
merino  ram,  who,  he  said,  was  entitled  to  a  vote,  having 
resided  in  the  country,  since  he  had  been  brought  in  by 
Humphreys,  representing  him  to  be  of  the  breed  of  the  great 
Fezzea  ram,  though  there  were  those  who  thought  it  might 
be  what  is  called  a  yankee  trick;  not  but,  that  all  Americans 
may  be  capable  of  substituting  a  thing  for  what  it  is  not ;  and 
all  are  called  Yankees  by  the  British ;  but  New  England 
men  are  distinguished ;  and  called  Yankee  Doodles. 


112  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

The  ram  is  not  entitled  to  a  vote  said  the  Inspector,  nor 
ought  he  to  be  permitted  to  put  in  a  ticket,  were  he  of  the 
breed  of  the  golden  fleece  guarded  by  the  fiery  dragons  whom 
Jason  overcame  and  brought  away  the  wool;  no;  not  if  he 
was  the  very  ram  that  was  caught  in  the  thicket;  or  that 
Daniel  saw  in  his  vision  coupled  with  the  he  goak.  But  he  it 
a  Spanish  ram,  born  under  despotism,  how  can  he  be  expected 
to  give  a  republican  vote  ?  Of  papist  origin,  he  may  bring  the 
Inquisition  with  him  :  coming  here  to  vote.  Besides,  this  is 
a  very  real  sheep,  that  is  offered  ;  and  not  one  whom  we  call 
a  sheep  in  a  figurative  sense  of  the  word.  Where  we  call 
men  horses,  or  asses,  we  do  not  mean  always  that  they  are 
so,  puris  naturalibus,  without  overalls  on,  with  the  horn  and 
the  hoof  about  them,  but  shadowing  forth  the  same  thing 
under  a  veil  of  metaphor,  as  the  case  may  be.  But  not  on 
this  ground  altogether  do  I  reject  him  ;  and  because  he  has 
wool  on  his  back ;  but,  because  ha  is  of  Barbary  origin.  The 
Moors  brought  the  breed  into  Spain.  You  may  cast  a  sheep's 
eye  at  the  window  as  long  as  you  p'ease,  master  ram  ;  but  not 
a  vote  shall  you  have  as  long  as  /  am  here.  I  do  not  know 
whether  you  are  not  a  half  breed,  and  no  genuine  merino. 
So  away  with  him,  as  the  song  says. 

"  To  the  ewe-boughts,  Marian." 

Another  person  coming  up,  brought  a  large  ox,  which  he 
called  Thomas  Jefferson,  not  out  of  respect  to  the  ox,  but  to 
the  man,  as  having  a  good  name  and  reputation.  Make  way, 
said  the  voters,  for  Thomas  Jefferson.  We  will  have  no 
Thomas  Jefferson,  said  the  Insp<  ctor  ;  he  is  out  of  his  district. 
I  assert  the  contrary,  said  the  owner;  he  was  calved  in  this 
settlement.  He  is  called  the  mammoth  ox,  and  I  had  thought 
of  driving  him  to  Washington ;  but  that  I  knew,  that  if  he  were 
he  might  be  made  a  present  to  Jefferson,  the  congress  would 
eat  him,  as  they  did  the  mammoth  cheese ;  so  that  the  presi 
dent  would  scarcely  get  a  slice  of  him.  For  there  are  parasites 
in  all  countries;  and  the  worthless  are  chiefly  those  who 
dance  attendance  upon  men  in  office;  and  how  can  it  be 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  113 

avoided  to  invite  them  to  partake  of  civilities  ?  You  will" 
certainly  allow  a  vote  to  Thomas  Jefferson.  No  ;  not  if  he 
"was  the  real  Jefferson  from  Montieello,  said  the  inspector. 
How  can  I  tell  but  he  may  introduce  the  same  politics  ?  That 
is  true  said  another ;  break  judges,  abolish  taxes,  dismantle 
navies,  build  gunboats,  lay  embargoes,  depress  armies,  pay 
no  tributes  toBarbary  powers,  issue  proclamations,  wear  red 
breeches,  receive  ambassadors  in  pantaloons  and  slippers, 
collect  prairie  dogs,  and  horned  frogs,  dream  of  salt  moun 
tains,  walk  with  Petimetres,  and  be  under  French  influence* 
We  will  have  no  Thomas  Jefferson.  You  may  drive  off  your 
ox.  He  shall  have  no  vote  here. 

No  doubt  the  judges  and  inspectors,  being  men  of  sense, 
saw  the  ab&urdity  of  carrying  the  principle  so  far  into  prao 
tice,  as  to  admit  the  representation  of  property,  by  this 
property  being  itself,  and  in  its  own  individual  existence,  the 
constituent.  But  not  thinking  it  safe,  or  practicable,  to  resist 
this  temporary  phrenzy,  and  misrepresentation  of  things,  by  a 
direct  resistance,  it  became  necessary,  by  indirect  means  to 
avoid  it.  To  lay  it  down  in  the  face  of  the  multitude  that 
these  new  voters  had  not  a  right,  would  not  have  been  en 
dured  ;  but  parry  ing  it  by  questioning  the  right  in  a  particular 
ease,  gave  no  umbrage.  It  was  saving  the  principle,  though 
it  denied  the  exercise. 

The  man  that  had  rode  down  the  by-standers,  and  was 
taken  up  for  a  horse  thief,  was  pardoned  by  the  governor 
This  was  done  to  get  quit  of  the  investigation  ;  the  governor 
thinking  it  for  the  credit  of  the  country  that  there  should  be 
nothing~said  about  the" occasion  and  manner  of  the  felony; 
or  the  mistake  under  which  the  imputation  had  arisen. 

But,  party  spirit  continued  to  run  high  j  some  insisting 
on  the  right  of  suffrage  to  their  cattle ;  and  others  consid 
ering  it  a  burlesque.  You  might  have  seen  shilelahs  in  the 
air,  and  several  bullocks  were  knocked  down  that  were 
brought  up  to  the  polls.  A  lad  was  tumbled  from  his 
palfry  as  he  was  riding  him  to  water,  under  an  idea  that 


114  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

he  was  bringing  him  to  aid  the  adverse  ticket.  The  ram  that 
had  been  off  red,  seeing  arrive  the  sheep,  cried  ba;  and  it 
was  insisted  that  he  had  given  his  vote,  which  the  candidate 
against  whom  it  was  taken  down,  resented,  and  hit  the  tup  a 
stroke,  that,  in  the  sailor's  phrase,  brought  him  on  his  beam 
ends.  The  blow  struck  a  pig  in  a  poke,  which  a  man  was 
carrying  ho,me,  and  which  was  heard  to  squeal.  What,  said 
the  assailant,  are  you  bringing  here  the  swinish  multitude  to 
vote? 

Nevertheless,  it  was  not  so  much  the  admitting  quadrupeds, 
but  unqualified  cattle  that  became  the  subject  of  the  contro 
versy  ;  intelligent  persons  arguing  that  it  was  a  thing  shame 
ful  in  itself,  and  unjust.  Because  it  was  a  fraud  up  m  the 
whole  community,  that  stragglers  should  be  brought  forward, 
which  the  individual  concerned  in  the  fraud  reconciled  to 
himself  on  the  score  of  serving  the  party:  that  it  required 
some  refinement  to  be  aware  of  the  indelicacy  of  urging  an 
improper  vote.  Was  it  reasonable  to  suppose  that  a  horse 
creature  could  give  an  independent  vote,  that  was  in  the  pow 
er  of  his  owner  to  be  stinted  of  his  oats,  and  rode  faster  or 
slower  as  he  thought  proper,  on  a  journey  ?  Was  it  to  be 
supposed  that  he  could  judge  wisely  of  the  comparative  merits 
of  candidates,  or  of  the  party  principles  or  policy  involved  in 
his  vote  ?  But  the  same  question  might  be  asked  of  the  great 
er  part  of  the  rational  voters.  Was  it  reasonable  to  expect 
that  the  ox  would  think  differently  on  political  subjects  from 
bis  master?  Should  he  venture  to  dissent,  a  crack  of  the  whip 
or  the  point  of  the  goad,  would  bring  him  to  hissenses.  Even  a 
rational  creature,  that  may  be  supposed  to  have  more  forti 
tude,  is  usually  in  subjection  to  the  master,  in  matter  of  opin 
ion,  where  he  is  a  slave.  It  is  for  this  reason  that  slaves  are 
excluded.  Whatever  might  plausibly  be  said  as  to  the  expe 
diency  of  extending  ihe  privilege  of  citizenship  to  those  ani 
mals*  that  are  firas  natures,  and  are  at  their  own-  hands  in  a 
forest,  it  is  quite  another  matter,  as  far  as  it  respects  domesti 
cated  animals,  that  have  no  will  of  their  own,  but  are  under 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  115 

dominion,  whether  subjugated  to  a  plough  or  a  team,  The 
wild  animals  that  roatn,  have  some  spirit  of  independence. 
They  would  starve  before  they  would  tamely  submit  them 
selves  to  arbitrary  rule,  and  government.  Hence  it  is,  that 
traps  are  used.  It  requires  shooting  to  bring  some  to  terms. 
But  an  ox  may  be  goaded  into  acquiescence.  He  d<  es  not 
drink  whiskey,  it  is  true ;  and  for  that  reason,  it  cannot  be 
said  that  whiskey  will  purchase  him  ;  but  is  there  nothing  to 
be  done  with  good  grass?  The  encitements  are  various  that 
might  be  held  out  to  allure  from  the  independence  of  his  own 
judgment.* 

As  to  horses  voting  on  the  occasion  we  are  speaking  of,  so 
far  as  matter  of  fact  is  concerned,  I  admit  it  has  been  denied. 
For  that  though  a  great  number  of  horses  were  seen  to  be 
ridden  up,  yet  it  is  usual  to  go  on  horseback  to  elections,  es 
pecially  when  the  voters  have  tq  come  from  some  distance ; 
so  that  the  mere  circumstance  of  being  on  the  ground,  is  no 
conclusive  evidence  of  having  given  a  vote;  and  this,  I  am 
the  more  careful  to  note,  as  in  the  case  of  a  new  government, 
that  like  an  individual,  has  a  character,  in  some  measure  to 
establish,  it  is  of  moment,  that  what  is  groundlessly  alleged, 
be  explained.  At  the  same  time,  I  am  aware  of  the  impolicy 
of  denying  a  thing  in  toto,  where  there  is  no  foundation — 

*This  satire  on  the  extravagance  and  folly  of  the  people,  is  car 
ried  to  the  extent  of  broad  caricature.  It  was  the  design  of  the 
author  to  render  them  more  striking ;  and  if  we  look  around  on 
real  life  in  our  society,  we  shall  find  extravagances,  that  tall  little 
short  of  these  here  portrayed.  Some  of  them  are  floating  unem- 
bodied  in  the  public  inind,  others  are  actually  condensed  into  pal 
pable,  or  visible  substance,  like  the  nebulas  in  infinite  space  It 
is  worthy  of  remark,  that  the  idea  ot  women  voting  was  not  then 
thought  of;  since  he  wrote,  the  claim  has  been  formally  set  up,  by 
the  'Women's  Mghts  Convention.'  The  following  is  the  resolu 
tion  passed  in~  1  ^5 1:  '  'That  as  taxation  without  representation  was 
unjust,  therefore  women  should  be  allowed  to  participate  in  polit 
ical  institutions,  and  vote;  that  every  party  which  claims  to  res 
pect  humanity,  civilization  and  progress  of  the  age,  must  inscribe 
on  its  banners.  '  Equality  before  the  law,  without  distinction  of 
sex,'  " — or  the  weaker  sex  must  wear  breeches,  and  the  stronger 
nurse  babies  ! 


116  MObERtt    CHIVALRY, 

were  there  no  other  reason  that  would  induce  an  historian  to 
adhere  to  the  truth.  For  even  where  a  man  is  pressing  a 
matter  that  is  difficult  to  be  belitved,  and  he  has  nothing  in 
truth  to  concede,  he  will  yield  a  little,  skilfully,  in  order  to 
give  the  impression  of  candor,  and  secure  belief  to  the  more 
important  points.  How  much  more  does  it  behoove  a  writer 
to  be  careful  of  insisting  on  the  freedom  from  all  blame  on 
the  part  of  those  whom  he  advocates,  lest  that  he  bring  in 
question  the  veracity  of  his  relation,  when  he  has  everything 
on  his  side.  I  do  not,  therefore,  say  positively,  that  the  in 
spectors  and  judges  of  the  election,  in  some  districts,  were  not 
deceived,  and  their  vigilance  baffled  ;  or  that  they  did  not 
connive  :  for  that  would  be  saying  too  much  considering  the 
nature  of  affairs.  The  most  vigilant  cannot  always  watch  ; 
and  the  most  severe  in  their  notions  of  the  rights  of  persona 
may  indulge.  But,  granting  that  some  horse  creatures  did 
vote,  with  their  riders  on  their  backs,  does  it  follow  that  the 
inspectors  had  notice  of  it ;  or  that  the  persons  who  usually 
stand  by  and  vouch  for  the  right  of  suffrage  to  the  individual 
were  not  to  blame?  They  may  have  announced  their  names 
as  rational ;  and  under  that  idea,  may  have  got  their  votes  ta 
ken.  I  have  been  the  more  careful  in  throwing  out  theso 
hints,  because  if  it  were  once  admitted  that  such  votes  did 
pass,  unless  surreptitiously,  and  sub  silentio,  it  might  grow 
into  precedent.  And  we  well  know  that,  in  matters  of  politi 
cal  and  legal  law,  precedent  has  the  force  of  authority.  It 
may  be  suggested,  as  not  fairly  presumable,  that  inspectors 
and  judges  could  be  deceived.  I  have  seen  too  much  of  elec 
tions  not  to  think  that  practice  to  be  unfair,  where  an  indi 
vidual,  powerful  for  wealth  or  family,  is  a  candidate,  or 
where  there  is  a  contest  of  party  somewhat  violent ;  and  un 
principled  and  daring  individuals  will  take  their  stations, 
and  act  as  common  vouchers  on  an  election  day,  as  to  the 
name,  age,  freedom,  or  estate  of  the  person  who  offers  a  vote. 
He  will  be  supported  by  pugilists,  or  persons  prepared  with 
clubs,  who,  though  they  do  not  actually  strike,  will  m,enace 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  lt 

with  this  appearance  of  force,  and  intimidate  those  who  might 
dispute  the  vouching  that  is  given.  And  in  the  course  of  time 
violence  may  be  actually  used,  when  ruffians  and  gladiators 
will  keep  away  irom  the  polls  the  more  feeble,  or  peaceful 
citizens.  I  consider  all  this  as  immoral  and  unbecoming.  I 
have  seen  even  inspectors  and  judges  intimidated  by  this  show 
of  hostility  ;  and  I  would  not  wonder  if  I  were  to  hear  that, 
under  this  awe,  in  some  place,  improper  votes  were  taken. 
Not  that  I  would  excuse  this  timidity  of  officers,  as  lessening 
it  fmm  a  misdemeanor  to  a  mere  neglect  of  duty.  I  repre 
hend  buth  the  overawing  and  being  overawed  in  the  discharge 
of  a  public  trust ;  it  will  be  a  sad  day  for  the  people,  when 
the  elective  franchise,  this  divine  essence,  the  life  of  liberty, 
shall  be  crushed  out  by  the  foot  of  violence!  In  that  day  we 
shall  call  upon  the  rocks  of  despotism  to  fall  down  and  cover 
us. 

But  injustice  to  the  character  of  the  country,  T  incline  to 
think,  after  all  that  has  been  reported  to  the  contrary,  that 
instances  of  beasts  voting  were  more  rare  than  is  imagined  ; 
and  that  a  considerable  foundation  of  what  has  gone  abroad 
on  this  head,  was  the  epithets  bestowed  by  the  contending 
parties,  calling  one  another  beasts  ;  such  as  horses,  asses, 
sheep,  buifaloes,  oxen,  and  the  names  of  other  cattle.  All  this 
metaphorically,  just  as  persons  of  a  less  polished  education, 
where  they  dispute  on  literary  or  theological  subjects,  call 
each  other  geese,  sucking-pigs,  or  turkey  buzzards.  I  have 
heard  even  well-bred  persons  speak  of  their  antag  nists,  after 
a  warm  debate,  as  wood  peckers  and  mire  snipes.  In  politi. 
cal  controversies,  it  is  no  uncommon  thing,  to  bestow  the  epi 
thet  of  jack-ass.  I  have  heard  even  an  accomplished  lady 
use  the  term — monkey,  speaking  of  an  individual  of  the  other 
sex.  It  would  be  endless  to  enumerate  the  application  of  such 
terms,  that  do  not  in  themselves  import  the  natural  form  or 
metamorphose  of  any  person, 
vol.  4,  10 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

Governor  Farrago  takes  into  consideration  his  Message  to  the 
Legislature. 

The  Governor  had  been  indisposed  the  whole  day  of  the 
election,  but  being  now  recovered  and  the  Legislature  about 
to  meet  shortly,  it  behooves  him  to  think  of  an  address  to  the 
legislative  body.  He  was  at  a  loss  whether  to  adopt  the  mode 
of  the  kings  of  England,  reading  the  speech  himself,  or  hav 
ing  it  read  for  him  in  his  presence  ;  or  that  introduced  in 
these  states,  since  the  revolution  ;  or  rather  m  this,  a  later 
period  of  the  republican  history  >  by  sending  a  message,  that 
is,  a  written  document  to  be  communicated  by  the  secretary. 

The  message  has  the  advantage  in  this,  that  it  is  a  depart 
ure  from  the  English  precedent,  which  of  itself  carries  rea 
son.  But  there  is  more  in  it,  when  we  consider  that  it  is  more 
convenient.  Because,  when  a  man  makes  a  speech  orally,  it 
is  not  all  of  it  that  can  be  heard  in  the  crowd  that  usually 
assembles  Oh  the  occasion  of  an  inauguration.  And  when  it 
is  heard  it  is  not  all  of  it  that  can  be  recollected.  Many  things 
escape  the  memory*  Whereas  when  it  is  by  way  of  written 
document,  it  can  be  heard  to  his  satisfaction  ;  not  that  it 
would  be  decent  to  encore  it  on  the  floor  of  the  house  ;  but 
members  can  recur  to  it  from  time  to  time,  and  read  it  them 
selves.  In  that  case  they  are  not  kept  so  long  standing  on 
their  feet,  as  when  it  is  heard  slowly  and  with  much  ceremo 
ny  of  bringing  it  forward  in  the  first  instance.  For  the  await, 
ing  the  arrival  of  the  Governor  who  is  to  deliver  the  speech) 
and  the  arrangements  that  must  be  made  for  the  places  of  the 
other  officers  of  government,  and  the  body  of  the  representa 
tives,  is  tedious  ;  and  it  ought  to  be  a  principle  in  public,  as 
it  is  in  private  life,  to  consult  ease  where  it  answers  no  good 
purpose  to  take  trouble.  Almost  all  unnecessary  ceremony 
is  displeasing  to  a  man  of  sense.  The  finest  expression  I 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  119 

I  have  met  with  on  this  bead,  is  in  the  Arcadia  of  Sir  Philip 
Sidney  :  "There  was  ceremony  without  being  ceremonious." 
I  have  some  impression  in  my  mind  of  having  quoted  this 
very  expression  somewhere  else,  in  this  or  some  other  book, 
but  I  cannot  rtcullect  with  certainty,  nor  have  I  time  to  turn 
back  and  examine.  It  is  very  possible  that  I  repeat  the  same 
ideas  in  many  places,  but  what  of  that,  if  a  good  thing  is  twice 
said?  This  beautiful  remain  of  the  genius  of  that  time  is 
addressed,  if  I  remember  Tight,  to  his  sister  the  Marchioness 
of  Pembroke.  It  is  of  her  that  the  Epitaph  is  written. 

"Underneath  this  marble  hearse, 
Lies  the  subject  of  all  verse  ; 
Sidney's  sister,  Pembroke's  mother — 
Death,  ere  thou  hast  kill'd  another, 
Wise,  and  good,  and  fair  as  she, 
Time  shall  throw  a  dart  at  thee. 

You  will  say  this  is  a  digression.  There  is  no  doubt  but  it 
is.  But  can  it  be  said  that  I  indulge  myself  much  in  this  way? 
On  the  contrary,  are  there  many  writers  that  stick  closer  to 
their  subject  than  I  have  in  general  done?  Besides  I  would 
not  write  a  syllable  of  what  I  am  now  writing,  were  it  not 
that  it  is  thought  necessary,  that  I  should  not  leave  my  book 
at  a  short  angle  :  but  round  it  off,  by  giving  it  something  like 
a  natural  conclusion.  4nd  the  truth  is,  as  my  ideas  are  in  a 
great  measure  exhausted,  I  mean  those  that  are  near  the  sur 
face  ;  I  have  not  time  to  fish  for  such  as  swim  in  deep  water, 
or  to  wait,  having  taken  all  that  were  of  a  larger  size,  until 
the  small  fry  grow  bigger.  So  that  whenever  a  thought  leads 
me  into  a  quotation,  I  do  not  make  a  scruple  of  conscience 
to  run  after  it ;  especially  if  I  have  any  reason  to  think,  upon 
the  small  reflection  I  can  give  it,  that  the  quotation  will  be 
better  than  the  original  idea  that  might  have  taken  place  of 
it.  So  far  as  respects  my  own  taste,  I  read  with  great  pleas 
ure  oftentimes  a  book,  which  has  not  a  single  idea  in  it  from 
beginning  to  end,  except  in  the  quotations,  as  is  the  case 
with  Burton's  "  Anatomy  of  Malaucholly,"  one  of  the  most 
learned  books  ever  written.  It  is  a  perfect  lumber  house  of 


120  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

ideas  on  all  subjects.  The  only  question  that  is  made,  will  be, 
is  the  quotation  from  a  good  author ;  or  does  it  amuse  or 
instruct?  Nor  in  reading  good  moral  observations,  or  Anec 
dotes  of  great  men,  do  I  carp  whether  they  are  in  a  connected 
series,  or  strung  together  like  Swift's  "  Critical  Dissertation 
ou  th,  faculties  of  the  hnman  mind."  The  Apothegms  of 
Plutarch  are  somewhat  in  the  same  way.  The  Chapters  of 
Athenasus,  and  Noctes  Atticoe  of  Aulius  Gellius,  are  of  the 
same  rambling  composition.  Montaigne's  Essays,  also,  and 
eotne  ot  the  introductory  chapters  of  Henry  Fielding.  The 
fact  is,  that  as  a  regularly  bred  cook  will  show  hi  ?  skill  in  the 
culinary  art,  by  making  a  savoury  dish  out  of  the  soal  of  an 
old  shoe,  and  a  tallow  candle,  so,  it  may  depend  upon  the 
manner  more  than  the  matter  of  what  is  said,  whether  it  be 
acceptable.  Unquestionably  th<jre  are  but  few  that  have  the 
rare  talent  of  saying  things  agreeably  ;  and  I  am  not  sure 
that  I  have  shown  that  art  in  any  degree  in  this  book.  But 
what  hinders  aiming  at  it,  by  those  who  feel  a  benevolence  of 
heart,  ->nd  wish  to  please?  If  any  man  is  amused  by  any  of 
these  images  that  I  am  endeavoring  to  paint,  he  will  be  under 
obligation  to  me,  though  he  may  refuse  to  acknowledge  it. 
It  is  allowable  towards  the  end  of  a  book  to  digress  ;  and,  in 
the  manner  of  old  age,  deal  in  narrative.  Though  I  will  ac- 
knowbdge  that  I  have  seldom  met  with  old  men  who  were 
not  apt  to  digress  too  much  in  their  narrations.  That  old 
men  are  more  talkative  than  those  of  earlier  years,  is  charac 
teristic — "Garrulous  oil  age;"  but  that  they  are  apt  to 
digress  is  not  so  generally  noted  ;  though  it  would  seem  to 
me  to  be  the  case,  and  were  it  put  upon  me  to  account  for  it, 
looking  into  nature  at  my  own  age,  I  wonld  resolve  it  into  the 
multiplicity  of  ideas  as  one  cause.  They  ure  numerous,  and 
press  for  utterance  ;  and  when  a  certain  set  have  had  an  out 
let  in  part,  the  speaker  suspends  a  while  the  prosecuting 
them,  and  goes  back  to  fetch  others.  It  would  be  like  Chary  on 
in  his  boat  upon  the  river  Styx,  were  there  an  island  in  it, 
ferrying  a  number  of  the  shades  halfway;  leaving  them  on 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  l£l 

the  island,  and  going  back  to  bring  others  that  distance,  who 
are  crowding  on  the  shore,  and  anxious  to  cross.  Or  like  a 
mechanic,  that  has  a  great  number  of  customers,  and  cannot 
satisfy,  but  by  beginning  the  work  of  several,  carrying  it  on 
by  pieces  ;  having  it  in  his  power  to  say  to  all  that  their  work 
is  on  hands. 

But  I  return  to  say  something  on  the  subject  of  ceremony, 
the  point  from  whence  we  digressed.  For  the  forms  of  taking 
place,  or  seats,  or  at  least  the  coming  into  the  government 
house,  partakes  something  of  the  nature  of  ceremony  in  polite 
assemblies,  on  other  occasions.  All  attention  to  which,  and 
the  trouble  of  it,  is  avoided  by  the  transmitting  what  is  to  be 
said,  in  the  shape  of  what  is  called  a  message,  which  may  be 
carried  by  the  secretary  and  laid  on  the  table. 

Having  adopted  the  mode  of  address  by  message,  it  was 
prepared,  and  transmitted  to  the  legislature  now  convened. 
We  have  been  furnished  with  an  extract  of  some  part  of  it, 
which  we  shall  now  introduce. 

It  will  not  be  understood,  that  I  am  to  give  the  whole  mes 
sage  at  full  length;  which  would  be  unnecessary,  as  I  think 
it  is  full  time,  that  in  the  addresses,  or  messages  of  governors, 
in  most  instances,  the  common-place  parts  might  be  omitted; 
such  as  what  respects  improvements  of  roads,  encouragement 
of  domestic  manufactures,  and  the  making  a  new  militia  law, 
felicitating  on  abundant  harvests ;  or  complimenting  the 
administration  of  the  general  government,  which  comes  also 
under  this  head.  There  are  many  like  common-place  subjects 
which  it  were  tedious  to  enumerate,  but  which  may,  in  this 
instance,  be  considered  as  disposed  of.  We  hasten  to  the  main 
matter  which  the  governor  touched  upou,  tho  particular  situ 
ation  and  affairs  of  the  new  government.  I  cannot  do  better 
than  j  ust  to  make  an  extract  in  his  own  words.  It  is  the  con 
cluding  part,  and  the  plainest  in  point  of  expression.  For 
there  is  a  certain  stateliness  and  dignity  in  the  style  of  such 
compositions,  that  is  excusable  in  the  initiatory,  or  preambular 
part,  that  need  not  be  observed  so  punctiliously  in  what 
vol.  4,  10* 


122  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

relates  to  real  business.  Tropes  need  not  rise  rapidly,  nor 
need  these  be  taken  so  much  from  lofty  objects  in  nature ; 
such  as  the  billows  of  the  ocean,  or  tempests  on  the  land, 
or  the  movements  of  heavenly  bodies.  All  may  be  simple, 
like  that  of  information,  or  opinion  given  in  common  cases, 

The  extracs  which  we  give  relates  to  a  matter  which  may 
be  supposed  to  have  occupied  the  mind  of  his  excellency,  the 
innovations  projected,  and  which  had  got  some  footing  in  the 
minds  of  the  people,  respecting  a  change  in  the  extent  of  suf 
frage  at  elections,  and  the  right  of  being  elected  consequent 
upon  it.  For  if  any,  but  those  under  the  denomination  of 
rational  persons,  could  elect,  other  than  rational  persons 
might  be  elected.  For,  similia  a  similibus  gignuntur.  But 
that  he  might  not  give  offence,  by  attacking  a  prejudice  ab 
ruptly,  he  approached  the  subject  ^ircuitously,  by  talking  of 
the  promotion  of  kn  >wledge,  and  the  establishment  of  schools. 
But  I  continue  to  talk  of  the  message,  rather  than  to  give  it. 
Here  it  is,  that  part  of  it  that  we  have  spoken  of : — 

*'I  would  not  be  understood  as  meaning  to  insinuate,  even, 
in  the  most  distant  manner,  a  deficiency  of  natural  understand 
ing,  or  any  extraordinary  want  of  information  in  the  members 
of  your  honorable  body.  I  am  the  mure  careful  to  suggest 
this,  because  of  the  known  prejudices  which  the  inhabitants 
of  the  sea-coasts  entertain,  in  favor  of  themselves.  Because, 
from  the  greater  opportunities  they  have  of  ships  arriving, 
they  may  have  information  of  the  affairs  of  Europe,  sooner 
than  we  have,  they  may  be  disposed  to  attribute  this,  to  a 
greater  facility  of  apprehension  ;  and  because,  they  have 
schools  and  collfeges  of  an  older  foundation,  and  more  acces 
sible  from  the  propinquity  of  situation.  Hence  they  are  led 
to  think  that  their  possessing  more  scientific  knowledge  is 
owing  to  themselves,  and  n  t  to  this  accidental  advantage. 
The  truth  is,  that  in  point  of  talent,  so  far  as  this  includes  the 
capacity  of  acquiring  learning,  or  judging  solidly,  I  take  it 
the  ultramontane  people  are  before  those  of  the  cities  or  of 
the  towns,  and  settlements  on  the  sca*coast :  not  thut  in  this 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  123 

case  I  resolve  it  into  a  superior  strength  of  the  brain,  so  much 
as  into  the  circumstance  of  better  air  on  the  mountains  than 
in  the  cities  ;  unless  indeed  I  except  those  just  on  the  sea 
board,  and  where  they  have  the  benefit  of  the  salt  breeze.  It 
may  not  be  that  they  possess  stronger,  but  only  clearer  brain. 
For  if  the  marshes,  and  the  low  grounds,  overflowed  in  some 
part,  with  the  rivers,  infect  the  atmosphere  with  damps,  and 
vapours,  that  affect  the  body,  how  can  the  brain  which  is  a 
part  of  the  body,  escape,  being  muddied  with  what  natural 
ists  call  the  effluviae,  arid  physicians,  the  miasmata,  which 
are  the  cause  of  this  ?  Are  the  draught  cattle  of  these  places, 
of  the  activity  of  those  of  the  hills  ?  Our  horses  are  a  small 
er  breed,  but  they  are  more  alert  on  a  journey.  Our  wild 
beasts  in  general,  are  more  agile  in  their  movements,  and 
seem  to  have  more  resources  of  cunning,  and  foresight  than 
the  tame  ;  but  even  domesticated  quadrupeds  wi.th  us  seem  to 
be  like  the  human  species,  in  the  same  regions ;  that  is,  of  a 
superior  cast  to  the  denizens  oi  the  low  country.  No  wonder, 
for  the  barometer  will  show  the  difference  that  exists  in  the 
gravity  of  the  atmosphere.  And  running  and  jumping  itself, 
is  rrore  favorable  to  clearness  of  head,  than  standing  behind 
a  counter  arid  casting  up  figures.  If  I  were  to  take  one  of 
those  so  employed  in  order  to  enlighten  him,  the  first  thing  I 
would  do,  would  be  to  apprehend  him  by  tbe  locks,  and  to  set 
him  on  the  top  of  a  hill  to  look  about  him  for  a  while.  I 
would  ehaKe  him  well  before  I  would  set  him  down  to  his  les 
son.  A  man's  ideas  in  a  shop,  are  in  proportion  to  the  size 
of  the  room  ;  he  thinks  narrowly  if  not  meanly,  who  has  not 
more  than  a  few  yards  of  prospect  for  the  greater  part  of  the 
twenty-four  hours  in  the  day.  We  acquire  the  magnitude  of 
surrounding  objects,  and  our  conceptions  enlaige  by  the  space 
that  presents  itself. 

Why  is  it  that  all  great  generals,  look  for  the  rising  and 
upper  ground  in  engagemtuts  ?  There  is  a  great  dt^al  in  the 
bare  imagiration.  T;.e  paradox  of  the  schools,  crede  qitud 
habis,  et  /tabes,  its  not  true  ;  but  thinking  that  you  can  conquer, 


1S4  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

goes  a  great  way  to  give  the  victory.  And  the  soldier  that 
has  his  head  higher  than  his  adversary,  is  led  naturally,  by 
a  kind  of  incalculable  impulse,  to  think  that  he  can  subdue 
him.  At  the  same  time,  whatever  may  be  my  prepossessions 
in  favor  of  a  reform,  I  have  not  been  able  to  entertain  senti 
ments  equally  sanguine  with  them  on  this  particular.  I  con 
sider  it  rather  the  offspring  of  a  disturbed  mind  of  some  sea- 
coast  politician,  that  has  broached  this  doctrine,  or  would 
induce  a  community  to  adopt  the  hypothesis  ;  and  this,  not  so 
much  out  of  respect  to  the  powers  of  mind  with  us,  as  compli 
mentary  to  their  own  vanity,  who  have  been  able  to  excogi 
tate  the  idea.  It  is  therefore  not  surprising  that  some  who 
have  come  amongst  us,  have  their  imaginations  elevated  by 
residing  on  this  range  of  hills,  so  as  to  magnify  objects,  and 
thus  conceive  the  idea  that  even  our  beasts  are  capable  of  ex 
traordinary  cultivation.  If  it  is  not  rather  meditated  as  an 
insult,  oeing  as  much  as  to  say,  the  difference  is  so  small  be 
tween  you  and  your  cattle,  that  there  can  be  no  conclusive 
reason,  or  cogent  argument,  why  you  might  not  be  put  upon 
the  same  footing.  For  as  the-  parallax  of  remote  stars  seem 
of  inferior  magnitude,  and  we  consider  them  to  the  naked  eye 
as  in  i  roximity ;  so  it  is  in  the  light  of  an  imputation  of  infe 
riority  in  the  human  species  here,  that  I  have  taken  up  the 
suggestion.  For  why  did  they  not  begin  with  their  own  beasts 
in  the  lower  country,  to  ameliorate  their  condition  and  extend 
their  rights  ?  They  have  been  visionary  enough,  in  all  con 
science,  with  their  abolition  of  iJie  common  law,  and  other  in 
novations  ;  but  they  have  not  come  so  far  as  to  talk  of  natural* 
izing  cattle,  strictly  speaking ,  though  some  of  their  naturali 
zations  have  been  of  very  uncouth  persons.  It  is  not  sufficient 
that  the  heat  and  moisture  of  the  climate  may  produce  yellow 
fever  in  their  towns,  but  that  political  pestilence  spread  from 
thence.  However  able  you  may  be  as  a  body,  yet  if  a  few 
bulls,  hide  and  tallow,  were  actually  mixed  among  you,  by 
means  of  the  intrigues  of  these  people,  you  might  become  the 
subject  of  ridicule,  instead  of  admiration ; — no— if  pards  and 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  125 

bears  are  to  be  admitted  to  appear,  or  officiate  in  any  depart 
ment  of  representative  capacity,  it  ou/iht  to  be  at  the  bar, 
where  noise  may  be  better  tolerated,  and  growling  may  pass 
for  ability.  The  late  disorderly  elections  in  the  districts,  was 
owing  to  this  proposition  of  giving  beasts  votes;  whereas,  in 
the  opinion  of  most  persons,  if  any  \vere  sober,  on  that  day, 
there  were  beasts  enough  on  the  ground,  if  I  may  be  allowed 
to  call  them  so,  in  a  comparative  way  of  speaking,  who,  on 
these  occasions,  can  reconcile  it  lo  themselves,  to  cheat  and 
to  wrangle  in  support  of  the  frauds  they  have  committed.  It 
is  in  this  sense  of  the  word  that  the  Apostle  Paul  speaks,  when 
he  says  he  "fought  with  bea'ts  at  Ephesus;"  not  as  some  take 
it,  that  he  was  exposed  to  wild  beasts  in  the  amphitheatre, 
according  to  the  barbarous  custom  of  the  .Romans.  If  all  the 
election  laws  that  can  be  framed  are  ineffectual  to  restrain 
breaches  of  the  peace  even  now,  while  men  only  are  allowed 
the  privilege  of  voting,  how  would  it  be,  if  the  elective  fran 
chise  was  enlarged  to  creatures  that  have  claws,  or  horns,  or 
hoofs,  especially  under  the  influence  of  liquor,  as  is  too  often 
the  case  at  elections  ?  The  biting  and  the  gouging  would  be 
increased;  and  there  would  be  so  many  tame  animals,  at  least, 
beaten  and  bruised,  that  they  would  be  unfit  for  the  services 
of  agriculture,  which  will  leave  the  husbandmen  without  the 
means  of  tilling  their  ground,  or  getting  in  their  crops.  On 
all  these  considerations,  the  scheme,  or  project,  as  it  may  be 
better  cahed,  appears  to  me  fraught  with  inconveniences;  and 
to  be  a  reform  at  this  time,  not  practicable. 

"  The  abuses  of  the  late  election,  whether  any  in  the  way 
of  improper  votes  admitted,  it  would  not  become  me  to  insin 
uate,  nor  do  I  insinuate  as  to  what  may  have  taken  place,  but 
what  has  been  advo  3ated  as  a  positive  reform.  You  are  your 
selves  judges  of  the  legality  of  your  own  elections  ;  and  see 
ing  neither  tails  among  you,  nor  manes  on  any  of  your  shoul 
ders,  I  take  it  for  granted  you  are  all  men,  and  have  been 
elected  by  such.  For  though  an  hundred  or  two  horse  votes 
may  have  been  counted ;  or  a  kid,  or  a  merino  ram,  here  or 


126  MODERN     JHIVALRY. 

there,  may  have  got  his  nose  in  the  dish,  it  does  not  follow 
that  it  has  made  the  difference  of  a  representative  in  any  one 
case.  The  purity  of  the  elective  franchise,  is  the  first  germ  of 
liberty  ;  it  is  the  bud  at  which  it  breaks  forth.  If  the  frost 
of  fraud  blights,  no  fruit  springs  from  th'e  tree.  The  preven 
tion  of  fraud  is  the  object  of  the  laws;  but  the  distinguishing 
the  objects  of  trust  is  equally  important.  That  must  remain 
with  the  citizens  at  large." 

The  message  of  his  excellency  couched  in  these  wary  words, 
was  nevertheless,  unfavorably  received  by  the  members  pre 
sent,  and  those  of  the  country  attending.  The  contortions  in 
the  visages  of  them  expressed  disapprobation.  The  words 
aristocracy  were  muttered.  The  physiognomy  of  some  had 
the  appearance  of  one  whom  an  inexpert  barber  was  shaving 
with  a  bad  razor  ;  there  was  screwing  and  twisting  of  the 
features,  and  a  wry  countenance  at  the  greater  part  of  the 
words  read. 


CHAPTER   XXII. 

From,  the  Right  of  Suffrage,  the  popular  attention  is  turned  to 
the  Right  of  Delegation.     Shall  brutes  be  voted  eligible? 

FROM  the  right  of  suffrage  to  the  right  of  delegation,  the 
transition  was  easy  ;  and  hence  the  idea  of  admitting  beasts 
to  vote  at  elections,  naturally  led  to  that  of  beasts  being  voted 
for,  and  elected  to  a  representative  body.  Why  not,  said  an 
advocate  of  this  policy?  Because,  said  an  adversary,  they 
cannot  speak  ;  brutum  pecus  that  have  no  utterance,  not  even 
to  say  aye  or  no. 

That  is  the  very  reason,  said  the  other,  that  it  behooves  to 
choose  such  delegates.  What  do  we  not  suffer  from  the  ver 
biage,  and  loquacity  of  members  ?  A  measure  of  peade  or 
war  cannot  be  carried,  but  over  the  belly  of  a  thousand  har 
angues,  protracted  to  an  immeasurable  length,  by  orators  that 


MODERN   CJHIVALRY.  127 

V 

know  as  little  of  tbe  subject  as  a  whippoorwill  or  a  jay-bird  ; 
and  yet  chatter  continually  so  as  to  prevent  the  question  be. 
ing  taken.  Commend  me  to  a  brute  beast,  a  buffaloe,  or  sheep 
that  would  chefir  the  cud,  and  hold  its  tongue.  If  there  were 
at  least  a  mixture  of  these,  there  would  be  fewer  speakers, 
and  take  up  less  time.  Unless  you  gag  a  member  he  will 
speak,  though  no  one  would  wish  him  to  open  his  mouth,  un* 
less  to  take  a  quid  of  tobacco.  If  an  elk  or  a  horse  were  to 
speak,  he  would  make  the  speech  short,  if  we  were  to  infer 
from  that  pithy  speech  made  by  Baalam's  ass  ;  coming  to  the 
point  at  once,  and  saving  all  in  a  few  words,  that  most  of 
your  human  orators  now-a-days  in  deliberative  bodies,  would 
choose  to  say  in  a  speech  of  many  hours.  These  would  seem 
to  make  conscience  of  giving  quantity  for  quality,  and  this  is 
the  only  apology  that  can  be  made  for  interminable  rhapso 
dies.  Nor  is  it  enough  that  they  waste  time  in  speaking,  but 
they  must  write  out  what  they  have  said  and  trouble  the  pub 
lic  with  their  conceptions  in  the  papers,  crude  as  they  would 
seem  to  be,  and  tiresome  to  read.  If  any  one  should  under 
take  to  travel  through  them  ;  it  can  only  be  such  as  have  much 
leisure  on  their  hands,  and  are  at  a  loss  to  know  what  to  do  with 
their  time.  But  the  mischief  is  not  to  be  altogether  avoided 
by  the  not  reading  them,  because  the  journals  are  taken  up 
with  such  effusions,  in  the  place  of  which  something  better 
might  be  selected  for  the  public.  There  is  a  double  advan*. 
tage  in  the  brute  animal,  to  whom  nature  had  denied  the  pow 
er  of  speech,  in  being  a  member  of  congress,  because  in  this 
case  there  is  usually  denied  to  such,  the  talent  of  writing 
speeches.  If  a  member,  conscious  to  himself  of  not  excelling 
in  extempore  eloquence,  should  hold  his  tongue,  like  a  dumb 
creature,  yet  it  is  ten  to  one  but  he  will  write  speeches  that 
he  has  saved  from  his  prolixity,  yet  the  press  is  made  to  groan 
under  the  oppression  of  his  verbosity.  Give  me  a  young  colt 
that  will  say  little,  rather  than  a  jackanapes  of  the  human 
species  that  will  be  eternally  on  the  floor.  I  am  for  sending 
a  few  asses,  not  figuratively,  but  literally  to  our  council,  who 


128  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

will  bray,  but  will  do  no  more  than  bray  a  reasonable  length 
of  time,  and  suffer  the  more  intelligent  of  the  members  to  ar 
range  and  carry  through  the  business.  No  ass  brays  more 
than  a  few  minutes  at  a  time,  unless  you  pinch  it,  or  occasion 
it  uneasiness  in  some  way.  Whether  is  it  more  against  na 
ture,  to  send  nominally  something  else,  but  in  fact  an  ass? 

If  a  beast  ot  the  forest  should  go  to  the  house,  he  will  not 
be  continually  turning  his  head  round  to  listen,  and  to  hear 
what  other  beasts  say  of  his  speeches,  or  his  vote.  He  will 
be  more  independent  of  his  constituents  that  are  running  at 
large  upon  the  hills  or  upoii  the  pasture,  nor  will  the  idea 
come  into  his  head,  that  he  is  bound  by  their  instructions  ;  a 
thing  inconsistent  with  the  delegating  representatives  to  think 
where  they  will  have  a  better  opportunity  of  knowing  what  is 
for  the  good  of  the  commonwealth.  If  this  doctrine  is  correct, 
it  is  the  constituent  what  stays  at  home  that  is  to  think,  and 
the  representative  that  goes  to  a  public  body,  not  to  think  at 
all ;  at  least  not  to  make  use  of  his  thoughts,  which,  by  the 
bye,  is  an  argument  for  beasts  going,  and  men  staying  at 
home.  Will  the  desire  of  popularity  induce  your  wild  or  tame 
cattle  to  make  long  speeches,  or  to  regard  whit  Tom,  Dick  or 
Harry  may  say  about  their  votes  ?  They  may  be  led  to  pro 
long  the  session  for  the  sake  of  oats  and  corn,  which  they 
have  in  their  mangers  ;  but  it  will  not  be  by  many  words  that 
this  will  be  done.  One  cause,  at  least,  of  the  mischief  will  be 
struck  away.  The  desire  of  members  to  retain  their  seats, 
and  procure  a  re-election,  will  not  exist  so  stroi  g  with  the 
denixens  of  the  woods,  who  will  naturally  not  have  the  same 
attachment  to  a  house  as  human  creatures  that  are  accustom 
ed  to  be  within  doors.  On  all  these  grounds,  there  will  be 
more  independence  in  our  councils,  and  less  subservience  to 
popular  opinion.  Individuals  will  not  be  continually  looking 
out  to  see  which  way  the  wind  blows,  nor  will  they  covet 
place  and  preferment  so  much,  looking  out  to  be  embassadors; 
or  to  have  other  appointments  abroad  or  at  home.  I  am  for 
keeping  at  home,  at  least,  a  portion  of  the  servile  ^pecus,  and 


MODERN    CHIVALRY,  129 

sending  real  cattle  to  the  public  bodies.  One  advantage  far 
ther;  there  would  be  no  Canibalism  in  the  blockheads  of  the 
human  shape  that  are  sent  with  them,  knocking  down  a  mem. 
ber  bullock  at  the  end  of  the  session  ;  nor  would  there  be  an 
inconvenience  in  riding  a  colleague  horse  home. 

Sir,  said  an  adversary,  your  object  seems  to  be  to  burlesque 
a  representative  government. 

I  deny  it,  said  the  advocate  ;  it  is  to  burlesque  the  abuses  of 
elections,  and  of  the  elective  franchise.  If  people  go  to  em 
ploy  a  mechanic  or  manufacturer  of  any  sort,  they  look  out 
for  a  capable  person  ;  one  skilled  in  the  art,  or  occupation, 
and  with  science  and  experience  requisite  for  the  thing  to  be 
made,  or  the  object  to  be  accomplished.  But  to  manage  the 
affairs  of  a  nation,  nothing  more  is  sought  than  simply  the 
being  of  a  party  ;  or  the  being  capable  of  being  made  so  by 
some  master  of  the  drama  at  home  in  a  village  or  district.  It 
is  never  enquired  whether  he  has  two  legs  or  four,  provided 
he  answers  the  purpose  of  a  junto  in  a  neighborhood.  Hence 
—What? 
».:  /  "  Words  that  breathe,  and  thoughts  that  burn." 

No ;  stupidity  or  local  selfishness ;  and  words  in  order  to 
hide  in  the  rubbish,  the  want  of  ideas. 

If  that  is  the  case,  said  the  adversary,  and  you  do  not  mean 
to  advocate  the  giving  beasts  suffrages,  or  sending  them  as 
representatives,  I  have  no  quarrel  with  you.  What  these  peo 
ple  will  do,  into  whose  heads  ib  has  been  put,  is  more  than 
I  can  tell.  It  is  said  to  be  an  easy  thing  to  raise  the  de 
vil  ;  but  to  lay  him,  requires  all  the  art  of  the  free-mason,  with 
the  wand,  circle,  and  a  black  cat. 

I  do  not  think  it  would  do  any  great  harm,  if  it  was  tried, 
said  the  advocate.  The  truth  is,  I  am  so  much  dissatisfied 
with  this  mischief,  in  sending  incompetent  persons  to  repre 
sent  us  in  legislative  bodies,  talking  a  long  time  and  say 
ing  nothing,  or  worse  than  nothing,  that  I  must  either  laugh 
or  cry ;  and  I  think  it  is  as  well  to  laugh ;  to  be  Demoeritus 
rather  than  Heraclitus.  But  if  there  is  any  remedy  for  this 
vol.  4,  11 


130  MODERN 

evil,  it  must  be  ridicule  ;  and  I  ain  willing  to  try  my  hand  a 
little  at  it.  If  a  cow  or  a  horse  was  chosen,  people  would  be- 
gin  to  think  ;  by  pushing  the  thing  to  an  extremity,  the  con 
trast  is  better  seen.  If  a  dumb  beast  should  obtain  a  majori 
ty  of  suffrages,  it  would  be  asked  why  he  did  not  obtain  such 
a  seat ;  and  it  would  be  answered  because  he  was  dumb;  and 
in  that  case  could  not  be  a  long-speaking  member. 

But  is  there  no  remedy  for  these  things  upon  principle, 
said  the  adversary  ?  I  know  of  none,  said  the  advocate,  un 
less  the  having  fewer  members,  might  curtail  a  little,  there 
not  being  so  many  to  take  up  time;  or  else  the  putting  muzzles, 
on  them  like  young  calves  ;  but  that  would  keep  them  from 
eating  as  well  as  speaking.  Ridicule,  by  sending  a  young 
bull  to  the  house,  because  he  would  hold  his  tongue,  except 
bellowing  a  little,  will,  I  take  It,  be  found  the  ultimate  reme 
dy.  A  very  few  members,  were  they  so  disposed,  would  take 
as  much  time  as  the  greater  number,  unless  they  were  so  very 
few  that  they  could  not  relieve  each  other  when  out  of  breath. 
Loquacity  is  the  fashion  of  the  day ;  and  I  wish  to  bring  taci 
turnity  back  again,  which  has  been  out  of  date  almost  since 
the  school  of  Pythagoras.  I  will  have  at  least  a  reasonable 
proportion  of  dumb  creatures  put  up  at  our  elections,  and  sent 
to  the  representative  bodies. 

This  was  a  dialogue,  aside,  between  the  advocate  for  the 
eligibility  of  beasts,  and  the  individual  who  opposed  it;  it  had 
little  effect,  one  way  or  the  other,  not  being  in  the  presence 
of  the  multitude.* 

*  The  abuse  of  long  speeches  has  been  remedied  'in  Congress, 
by  what  is  called  the  hour  rule. 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

Which  treats  of  the  training  of  Orators  in  the  Republic. 

WERE  it  imposed  upon  me  as  a  task,  by  some  republic,  to 
educate  a  number  of  young  persona  to  be  orators,  in  order  to 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  13SL 

introduce  a  good  taste  for  public  speaking,  I  would  begin  with 
the  understanding.  What?  not  with  the  heart,  it  will  be 
said.  I  take  that  to  be  the  same  thing.  For  I  know  no  dif 
ference  between  good  sense,  and  virtue,  except  that  the  one 
is  the  judgment  of  what  is  virtuous,  and  the  other  the  prac 
tice.  I  take  a  knave  and  a  fool  to  have  only  this  difference, 
that  a  fool  is  a  knave  in  his  transactions  without  meaning  to 
be  so  ;  the  other  intends  it.  Or,  if  this  way  of  putting  the  ar 
gument  will  not  be  understood,  I  say  that  every  man  who 
knowing  the  right,  intends  the  wrong,  is  not  wise  ;  that  is,  a 
fool.  Above  all  things,  give  me  a  good  judgment  as  the  foun 
dation  of  morals  :  and  the  communicating  of  knowledge  is 
strengthening  the  judgment. 

I  admit  that  there  is  such  a  thing  as  being  of  a  bad  stock ; 
and  the  moral  qualities  are  as  communicable  as  the  physical 
constitution,  or  the  features.  Hence  it  is  that  I  would  look  to 
the  stock  in  the  selection  of  subjects  ;  but  still  more  to  the  phy 
siognomy  of  the  youth  himself.  For  I  think  it  possible  that 
Curran,  who  cannot  but  have  a  good  heart,  yet  may  be  of  a 
germ  from  one  of  the  worst  stocks  that  ever  trod  the  bogs ;  for 
there  are  anomalies  in  nature,  which  set  all  observation  and 
experience  at  defiance.  I  cannot  think  but  that  he  must  have 
a  good  heart ;  because  it  is  impossible  for  a  heart  to  be  warm 
that  has  not  a  love  of  virtue.  His  eloquence  is  to  me  prima 
fade  proof,  at  least,  that  he  is  benevolent. 

But  pursuing  my  observations  on  the  main  point,  I  say,  to 
form  an  orator  I  would  cultivate  the  understanding.  What 
is  eloquence,  but  good  sense  expressed  ?  The  vox,  et  prceterea 
nihil;  voice  without  sense,  is  provoking.  I  grant  that  sound 
may  do  a  great  deal ;  but  it  is  as  but  the  rushing  wind.  The 
effect  of  but  a  persuasive  speech  is  like  the  moving  force  of 
waters.  The  tide  rises  without  noise  ;  but  the  effect  is  irre 
sistible. 

By  the  precepts  of  one  whose  experience  has  enabled  him 
to  judge  of  these  things,  a  bad  habit  may  be  prevented  or  cor 
rected.  But  it  is  the  application  only  that  can  confirm  ths 


MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

precepts.  Hence  it  is  that  there  is  no  forming  an  orator,  but 
when  the  attaining  some  object  by  the  speaker  elicits  his  pow 
ers.  A  man  that  has  his  life  at  stake,  and  what  is  next  to 
this,  has  his  daily  bread  to  get  by  his  mouth,  will  not  miss 
the  thought,  the  word,  the  pathos,  to  accomplish  his  purpose. 
Hence  it  is  that  the  bar  is  the  only  school  in  our  government 
for  real  eloquence.  In  the  deliberate  assemblies,  the  speak 
er  is  thinking  of  his  constituents,  and  is  a  slave  sent  forward 
to  serve  a  party  founded  at  home.  I  would  sooner  drag  a 
eart  than  be  a  representative  on  such  conditions.  Hence  it 
is  that  a  man  of  talents  has  no  prospect  in  a  public  body,  bufc 
to  make  himself  unpopular ;  unless  on  some  occasion  when 
the  people  are  alarmed  for  themselves,  and  party  intrigue  is 
put  down  by  the  danger  of  the  occasion.  It  is  thus  in  a  storm, 
or  other  perils  in  life,  abilities  are  in  request,  and  abilities 
alone  are  looked  to,  or  called  upon.  At  other  times  they  are 
the  objects  of  envy,  and  combination  to  bring  down.  Hence 
the  disposition  to  bring  forward  men  of  secondary  or  inferior 
talents,  and  the  jealousy  of  real  talent,  and  superior  abilities. 
When  such  an  one  now  and  then  breaks  through  these  bar 
riers,  there  is  no  end  to  the  extravagance  of  the  praise  bestow 
ed  on  him. 

Application  to  any  science,  and  the  acquisition  of  knowl 
edge  in  general,  is  a  drudgery  in  the  first  stages ;  and  hence 
it  is  natural  for  the  youth  to  excuse  himself;  and  to  hopo 
that  by  the  more  easy  exertion  of  his  lungs,  and  the  blowing 
of  his  mouth,  he  can  supply  the  defect  of  thought.  It  is  vex 
atious  to  the  person  who  has  labored  to  acquire  knowledge, 
and  has  been  led  to  depend  upon  the  effect  of  solid  reasoning, 
to  find  that  blustering  will  go  so  far  as  it  does  ;  but  it  ought 
to  be  his  consolation,  and  he  will  literally  find  it  the  fact,  that 
of  solid  talents,  it  may  be  said,  as  it  is  said  of  truth,  great  is 
the  force  thereof,  and  it  will  prevail. 

Magna  est  veritas,  et  prevalebit. 

For  solidity  in  mental  talent  is  truth  ;  and  the  appearance  of 
intellect  where  it  is  not,  is  falsehood* 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  133 

"One  of  the  best  things  that  I  ever  heard  by  a  lawyer  to  e±* 
case  himself  to  his  client  for  having  misled  him  in  defending 
or  bringing  a  suit,  and  I  forget  which,  where  he  ought  not — 
was  on  the  honest  man  saying,  did  you  not  tell  me  I  had  the 
law  on  my  side  I1    And  did  I  not  tell  the  court  so  too?  said  the 
lawyer.    Did  you?  said  the  client.    Yes.    The  man  could  say 
no  more.    It  would  have  been  unreasonable ;  especially  as  the 
advocate  had  made  as  much  noise  as  any  one  could  reasona* 
bly  expect  in  asserting  his  conceptions.    But  had  he  been 
informed  properly  in  his  profession,  his  embarrassment  might 
not  have  occurred  nor  his  presence  of  mind  rendered  it  neces" 
sary ;  which,  as  it  is  what  one  cannot  always  command,  it 
may  be  well  to  bo  without  the  necessity  of  it.    Not  that  I 
mean  to  say,  that  any  powers  of  intellect  can  anticipate  what 
may  be  the  way  of  thinking  of  a  court  and  jury.     There  is 
such  a  thing  as  a  bystander  thinking  differently  from  both. 
But  that  in  general  the  public  judgment,  both  as  to  merits  of 
the  cause,  and  the  ability  of  those  who  manage  or  dispose, 
goes  according  to  the  truth.     This  is  a  -consolation  to  the  in 
dustrious  and  the  diligent  student ;  who  places  his  dependance 
on  solid,  not  on  showy  qualifications. 

At  the  same  time,  the  garnishing  is  not  to  be  neglected* 
The  voice  is  capable  of  formation  in  point  of  sweetness,  as 
well  as  force.  In  point  of  sweetness,  by  diligent  attention, 
and  lending  the  ear  to  those  who  speak  musically  ;  in  point 
of  force,  by  exercise  alone.  It  is  as  necessary  to  observe  the 
key,  at  which  to  begin  to  speak,  as  for  a  musician  in  singing; 
BO  that  he  may  retain  the  command  of  his  voice  under  every 
passion  to  be  expressed.  It  is  to  be  observed  that  reading 
well  is  a  different  talent  from  speaking ;  and  does  not  alto 
gether  depend  upon  equal  cultivation.  I  leave  this  to  be  ac 
counted  for  ;  I  only  repeat  the  fact. 

Action  is  the  last  ^  the  ancients  thought  it  the  first  advan 
tage  of  a  speaker.    That  can  be  true  only  of  the  oratory  prop 
er  for  a  popular  assembly.     That  must  be  extremely  guarded 
and  chastened,  that  is  used  at  the  bar.     For  the  least  guspi- 
voU  4   11* 


134  MODERN  CHIVALRY. 

cion  in  the  minds  of  a  jury,  that  the  passions  are  attempted, 
will  excite  distrust  of  even  a  good  argument,  and  injure  it. 
At  the  same  time,  while  human  nature  is  susceptible  of  the 
impressiens  of  grace  and  dignity,  the  manner  of  an  orator 
must  hare  a  great  effect.  Hence  it  is  that  I  recommend  even 
attention  to  dress  ;  not  so  much  in  the  cloth,  as  in  the  fullness 
and  flowing  of  the  vestment,  which  appears  to  make  the  ora 
tor  loom  more. 

I  have  an  impression  of  having  treated  upon  these  particu 
lars  in  the  preceding  pages,  and  that  I  may  seem  to  repeat. 
But  if  any  one  finds  fault,  I  charge  him  home  with  an  expres 
sion  of  scripture,  "line  upon  line,  precept  upon  precept,  here 
a  little  and  there  a  little.5'  It  may  be  said  that  some  of  my 
lines,  and  precepts,  and  littles,  may  be  pretty  good  ;  but  that 
there  is  a  great  deal  of  trash.  That  this  may  be  the  case,  I 
have  acknowledged  heretofore.  But  would  the  more  valuable 
be  read  without  the  less  ?  I  applied  to  a  hatter  the  other  day 
to  make  me  a  hat ;  a-nd  requested  him  to  make  me  one  entire 
ly  of  beaver,  and  not  to  mix  racoon.  The  truth  is,  I  thought  he 
would  charge  me  as  much  fortherorurn  as  for  the  beaver,  and 
therefore  I  might  as  well  have  the  best.  But  he  informed  mo 
that  a  little  racoon  mixed  with  the  beaver  would  make  a  bet 
ter  hat  than  one  all  beaver.  It  may  be  so  with  my  book, 
which  is  calculated  for  all  capacities  ;  and  a  mixture  of  ima 
ges  drawn  from  high  and  low  life,  with  painting  serious  and 
ludicrous,  may  conduce  to  the  being  more  read  ;  and  lasting 
longer  in  the  world.  Or  should  it  not  be  read,  and  that  object 
fail,  it  is  amusing  to  one's  self  to  indulge  variety  ;  to  discumb 
and  to  rise. 


CHAPTEK    XXIV. 

Party  Disputes — Perfectibility  of  Man  and  Beast — The  Gover 
nor  is  requested  to  appoint  a  Quadruped  to  office — The  Vi 
sionary  Philosopher. 

THE  altercations  which  took  plaee,  were  almost  general 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  135 

with  all  ranks  of  the  community,  for  the  perfectibility  of  man 
and  beast.  And  some  taking  the  side  of  the  men,  and  others 
of  the  beasts,  dwelt  pretty  much  at  large  in  their  harrangues, 
upon  the  want  of  talent,  in  the  bulk  of  the  community,  to  ex 
ecute  offices,  or  discharge  trusts  ;  so  with  others,  whose  argu 
ment  was  the  indiscriminate  capacity  of  all  persons,  it  was 
contended  that  there  was  no  man  so  destitute  of  natural  pow 
ers  as  not  to  be  fit  for  an  office.  Nay,  what  is  more,  that  even 
less  than  what  men  in  general  possess,  might  suffice.  As  it  is 
the  nature  of  all  contraries  to  run  to  opposite  extremes,  so  ife 
was  even  at  length  carried  so  far  that  some  undertook  to  sup 
port  an  opinion,  that^even  that  degree  of  mother  wit  which 
some  beasts  possess,  might  suffice.  In  the  heat  of  debate,  in 
the  warmth  of  argument,  it  was  insisted  on  that  the  experiment 
ought  to  be  made.  Why  did  not  the  Governor  appoint  some 
quadruped  to  office,  and  see  the  result?  Was  there  ever  any 
thing  ascertained  in  matters  of  science,  but  from  experience  ? 
Experience  was  the  test  of  government.  We  did  hear  of  apes 
and  swine  being  in  office.  This  was  meant  as  abuse  ;  and 
might  be  the  cause  why  a  prejudice  had  been  entertained  in 
making  these  actually,  and  tona  fide  officers  of  government, 
or  members  of  the  Legislature. 

It  contributed  much  to  give  currency  to  this  way  of  think 
ing,  that  about  this  time  there  came  a  visionary  man  from  the 
seat  of  the  general  government,  who  was  called  the  visionary 
philosopher  ;  and  well  indeed  he  might  be  so  called  ;  for  he 
had  adopted  the  opinion  of  the  practicability  of  the  civilizing 
beasts  and  making  them  members  of  the  community.  It  waa 
with  a  view  to  reduce  this  system  to  practice,  that  he  had 
made  an  excursion  to  the  new  country,  conceiving  that  pre 
judice  in  favor  of  the  old  system,  would  be  less  likely  to  exist 
there.  He  laid  it  down  that  human  society  from  the  earliest 
time,  had  been  organized  on  wrong  principles  ;  that  nothing 
was  right  in  it,  that  it  must  all  be  taken  to  pieces  and  built 
up  anew  from  the  very  foundation,  out  of  the  same  materials 
Nothing  was  more  clearly  erroneous,  according  to  him,  than 


136  M6DEN  CHIVALY. 

the  notion  that  what  we  call  brute  beasts,  were  incapable 
of  forming  a  part  of  rational  communities.  Indeed  he  hinted 
very  intelligibly,  that  if  he  had  had  the  creation  of  the  world, 
he  would  have  made  a  very  different  affair  of  it. 

He  had  been  several  months  broaching  the  matter  amongst 
the  common  people,  which  is  always  the  way  with  innovators, 
before  he  thought  proper  to  wait  upon  the  Governor,  and  to 
impart  the  discovery.  This  he  had  at  length  done.  The 
Governor,  as  we  have  seen,  was  a  man  of  that  mildness  of 
character  that  he  did  not  decline  a  conversation  on  the  sub 
ject,  though  he  thought  it  extremely  absurd.  But  affecting 
to  listen  to  his  reasonings,  he  answered  him  at  length  with 
some  abruptness,  but  in  a  tone  of  voice  softened  as  much  as 
the  nature  of  the  reply  would  admit. 

It  is  a  wild  project,  said  he,  but  I  see  it  must  be  tried.  The 
people  will  have  their  way,  and  restraint  will  but  dam  up  the 
current  and  produce  a  flood  that  will  produce  an  inundation 
and  carry  all  before  it. 

The  people  had  been  naturally  led  from  the  idea  of  property 
giving  the  right  of  suffrage,  to  that  of  the  property  itself  ex 
ercising  this  right ;  and  herds  and  flocks,  persona  propria, 
coming  forward  viva  voce,  or  with  a  ticket;  and  this  by  an 
association  of  ideas,  introduced  that  of  being  capable  of  being 
elected.  But  it  did  not  occur  to  them  until  suggested  that 
the  representative  is  chosen,  or  in  contemplation  of  the  con 
stitution,  supposed  to  be  chosen  for  his  superior  knowledge 
and  information  over  that  of  the  constituent.  At  least  it 
ought  to  be  a  principle  upon  which  the  selection  is  founded. 
And  in  the  original  of  the  English  constitution,  we  find  the 
representatives  were  called  the  wittena  gemote,  or  the  assembly 
of  the  wise  men,  Nor  when  it  was  suggested,  did  it  stick 
much  with  them.  Nevertheless,  they  thought  it  not  amiss 
to  give  the  beasts  some  education  ;  provided  their  nature  was 
improvable,  which,  from  what  was  heard  of  the  learned  pig, 
could  not  longer  remain  doubtful.  This  being  the  case,  it 
might  be  tried  how  far  a  four  footed  creature  could  be  taught 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  137 

the  arts  and  sciences,  or  instructed  in  the  principles  or  mor 
ality,  or  the  rules  of  good  breeding ;  not  to  go  so  far  as  to 
constitute  colleges,  and  academies  for  their  use  ;  but  common 
reading  or  writing,  or,  perhaps  arithmetic  as  far  as  the  r*ule 
of  three. 

There  are  philosophers  who  assert,  with'great^  plausibility 
that  the  highest  powers  of  reasoning,  are  but  a  gradation 
from  vegetable  life.  If  so,  it  must  be  a  greater  start  from  the 
tendril  of  a  vine  to  a  vermicular  substance,  than  from  a  creep 
ing  thing  to  that  which  walks  on  all  fours.  From  thence  to 
the  human  species,  is  a  leap  not  more  extraordinary.  That 
man  may  have  been  once  an  oyster,  was  the  opinion  of 
Darwin ;  but  that  he  might  have  been  at  least  a  marmoset, 
was  the  opinion  of  the  visionary  philosopher.  He  was 
sanguine  in  the  .undertaking  to  instruct  and  civilize  the  brutes. 
Nay  to  fit  them  for  offices,  and  the  discharge  of  trusts  in  the 
community.  He  had  caught  a  young  panther,  and,  with  a 
chain  about  its  neck,  had  put  it  to  study  law  with  a  young 
man  of  that  profession,  who  wishing  to  get  forward  in  busi 
ness,  thought  it  would  do  him  no  harm,  though  it  might  not  da 
the  panther  much  good. 

There  were  those  who  bore  testimony  against  this,  being  of 
opinion  that  lawyers  were  bad  enough,  even  when  made  of  the 
best  materials.  They  were  supported  in  this  opinion  by  some 
reflecting  persoss.'  wlio  could  not  conceive  that  this  animal 
could  ever  be  made  capable  of  explaining  a  matter  to  a  jury ; 
or  stating  a  point  of  law  to  the  court.  What  is  it,  said  the 
philosopher,  whether  he  may  ever  be  able  to  explain  himself 
intelligibly  at  the  bar.  Cannot  he  grin,  bite,  squeal,  and 
shake  his  tail  ?  Is  it  with  sense,  that  a  jury,  or  a  court,  are 
always  moved  most  ?  I  wish  to  prove  that  reason  goes  but  a 
little  way  to  make  learned  counsel.  The  main  matter  is  to 
satisfy  the  client ;  who  will  be  oftentimes  better  pleased  to 
lose  his  cause  in  the  hands  of  one  that  will  make  a  noise,  than 
to  gain  it  by  him  who  says  little.  At  least  he  will  have  less 
scruple  in  paying  him.  For  he  will  not  saj,  you  had  not 


138  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

much  trouble ;  you  said  but  a  word  or  two  ;  not  considering 
that  a  rifle  shot,  is  more  certain  and  deadly  than  any  quantum 
of  sound  from  a  blunderbuss. 

An  ecclesiastic  was  at  hand,  who  had  an  antipathy  to  vo- 
ciferators,  being  himself  a  man  of  weak  voice  ;  he  took  this 
opportunity  to  express  himself  against  declaimers.  It  is  true, 
said  he,  the  sound  of  rams  horns  blew  down  the  walls  of 
Jericho  ;  hut  that  was  a  most  extraordinary  blast. 

And  not  to  be  drawn  into  precedent,  said  a  lawyer  who 
was  by. 

It  was  an  extraordinary  blast,  continued  the  ecclesiastic. 

But  the  human  voice  is  stronger  than  any  wind,  said  the 
philosopher.  No  wind  blowing  will  shock  an  army  like  that 
of  the  shout  of  a  main  body  about  to  engage,  though  since  the 
invention  of  gun  powder,  it  is  not  so  common  as  in  ancient 
times,  among  the  Greeks  whose  electric  shout,  the  shout  of 
freemen,  struck  terror  into  the  hearts  of  the  slaves  of  despots. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

The  visionary  philosopher,  persists  in  his  attempts,  to  convert 
beasts  into  rational  beings. 

ALTHOUGH  the  governor's  opinion  seemed  to  be  against  him, 
yet  the  visionary  philosopher  still  persisted  in  his  idea  that 
the  brutal  nature  was  capable  of  cultivation,  if  not  in  moral 
qualities,  yet  so  far  as  respected  the  acumen  ingenii  or  the 
powers  of  the  understanding.  He  had  before  this  time  turned 
his  attention  to  the  instituting  an  academy,  where  he  had  a 
number  of  animals,  of  different  species,  and  amongst  them 
some  squirrels  which  he  had  put  to  study  algebra. 

Harum  Scarum  thought  he  had  better  have  begun  with 
music,  and  taught  them  to  play  the  fiddle,  as  some  had  al 
ready  the  motion  of  the  bow,  from  the  instinct  of  scratching. 

No  jibe  or  jeer  could  move  the  visionary  man  from  his  pur- 


MODERN  CHIVALRY,  130 

pose.  He  argued  that  it  had  been  the  case  with  all  experi 
ments,  that  the  bulk  of  mankind  were  incredulous  to  the  first 
essays.  And  hence  it  was  that  in  medicine,  quacks  had  led 
ilie  way*jin  all  improvements.  In  the  profession  of  the  law, 
precedent  had  enslaved.  In  mathematics,  Erra  Pater,  that 
wrote  the  book  of  knowledge,  was  thought  a  visionary  man, 
though,  since  his  time,  greater  credit  has  been  attached  to 
the  casting  nativities.  The  diving  bell  was  an  invention  of 
Sir  William  Phipps  of  New  England,  and  no  one  had  faith  in 
the  success  of  it  until  he  actually  explored  the  galleon  at  the 
Bahama  Islands,  and  showed  the  treasure  he  had  got  from  it. 
Paracelsus  died  with  the  secret  in  his  mouth,  of  the  elixir 
of  longevity,  owing  to  which  accident,  it  is  perhaps  that  men 
do  not  live  now  to  the  age  of  a  thousand  years,  although  there 
are  some  who  very  foolishly  will  have  it,  that  the  elixir  was 
nothing  more  then  Alcohol,  or  aqua  vitas,  whose  effect  is  to 
shorten  life  instead  of  making  it  longer.  Parrots,  jays  and 
blackbirds  have  been  taught  to  speak  :  and  why  not  sqirrels 
and  raccoons? 

With  these  reasonings  in  his  head,  he  was  busy  instructing 
certain  quadrupeds  in  their  gesticulations  and  grimaces,  that 
had  the  appearance  occasionally  of  disputants.  The  chatter 
ing  which  some  of  them  exhibited,  sounded  not  a  great  deal 
unlike, 

Bocarbo,  cesaiio,  ferio,  baralipton, 
—  terms  which  logicians  use. 

A  number  of  horned  cattle  in  an  enclosure,  he  was  engaged 
in  disposing  to  take  the  floor  in  turns  like  members  of  a  legis 
lative  body.  He  had  employed  a  stenographer  to  take  down 
their  speeches  in  short  hand.  With  these  he  could  use  the 
same  liberty  that  he  had  been  used  to  take,  with  members  of 
the  human  species,  which  was  to  make  the  speeches ;  or  at 
least  to  new  modal  them  in  such  a  way,  as  to  be  a  caricature, 
or  an  improvement. 

Stenographer,  said  the  Governor,  for  he  had  the  curiosity 
to  visit  this  menagerie,  when  you  make  a  speech  for  a  bear,  as 


140  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

for  instance  for  that  Bruiu  which  I  see  chained,  you  will  be 
careful  to  make  it  rough,  surly  and  congruent  to  nature.  The 
lowing  of  the  cow,  and  the  roaring  of  the  bull,  must  be  trans 
lated  into  loud  sounds,  very  different  from  the  mewing  of  the 
eat,  or  the  squealing  of  the  pig. 

By  all  means,  said  he  every  thing  in  character. 

Now,  said  the  Governor,  with  respect  to  a  legislature  of 
beasts,  it  will  not  be  thought  a  matter  of  ridicule,  to  para 
phrase  what  is  said  as  spoken  by  a  buffalo ;  or  to  insinuate 
the  insignificance  of  a  member  by  calling  him  a  sheep  or  an 
ass  ;  or  to  designate  his  cleverness  in  a  debate  by  saying  he 
is  a  horse  ;  for  in  this  case  all  things  will  be  without  figure 
and  the  truth. 

However,  the  people  thought  the  man  deranged ;  and  it 
would  seem  to  nte  not  without  reason ;  especially  when  he 
had  incurred  considerable  expense,  in  purchasing  up  subjects 
of  tuition.  He  had  trappers  in  the  woods  ;  and  horse  jockeys 
employed  to  pick  up  lively  colts  that  might  seem  to  be  of  parts, 
and  scarcely  a  drover  passed  through  the  settlement,  with 
black  cattle  or  swine,  but  he  was  bartering  for  a  calf,  or  a 
sheep. 

Application  had  been  made  to  a  magistrate  for  an  order  to 
confine  him.  On  a  habeas  corpus,  he  was  brought  before  the 
chief  justice,  and  made  his  defence. 

Chief  justice,  said  he,  though  you  are  blind,  in  a  certain 
meaning  of  the  term,  yet  I  flatter  myself  you  can  see  pretty 
plainly  into  this  matter.  It  does  not  follow  that  because  a 
man  is  deficient  in  one  sense,  he  is  destitute  of  another,  or 
rather  one  organ  only  may  have  any  defect,  while  all  the 
rest  are  in  the  highest  degree  perfect,  so  as  to  supply  the  de. 
ficiency  of  those  which  are  diseased,  or  wanting.  It  is  well 
known  by  observers  of  human  nature,  that  where  one  sense 
is  denied,  the  remaining  become  stronger.  Even  where  an 
arm  or  a  limb  is  lost,  of  t'ae  human  body,  the  arm  or  the  limb 
which  remains  acquires  an  increase  of  power,  as  if  to  supply 
the  want.  Would  Tiresias  have  ever  passed  for  a  prophet,  if 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  141 

he  had  not  wantad  outward  sight  ?    Or  would  Meonidas  have 
written  rhapsodies,  or  Milton  his  divine  poem  ? 

"  So  much  the  rather,  them  celestial  light, 
Shine  inward,  and  the  mind  through  all  her  powers 
Irradiate  !     There  plant  eyes  !    All  mist  fro  en  thence, 
Purge  and  disperse  ! " 

Not  that  1  suppose  that  a  man  has  equal  advantage  in  des 
cribing  an  object  who  has  never  seen  it,  but  takes  his  impres 
sions  from  the  description  of  others,  For  it  must  be  rare,  if 
a  thing  at  all  in  nature,  that  a  man  can  be  a  poet  who  is  born 
blind ;  but  having  lived  to  a  considerable  age  with  his  eye* 
sight,  and  received  all  the  images  of  things  upon  his  mind, 
from  the  originals  themselves,  it  may  be  possible  for  him  ; 
nay  it  may  be  with  advantage  over  others,  that  he  can  recol 
lect  these,  and  become  more  faaiiliar  with  them  in  a  reflex 
view,  than  if  he  was  disturbed  with  the  images  themselves 
renewed^  from  without.  Certain  it  is  that  a  man  can  fhink 
more  deeply  and  closely  with  his  eyes  shut,  then  if  he  opened 
them  on  surrounding  objects.  Darkness  and'silence  arefi^or- 
able  to  contemplation. 

Philosopher,  said  the  chief  justice,  you  do  not  seem  to  fce  a 
plain  man  in  regard  to  thinking  closely.  You  wander  from 
the  point.  You  are  to  be  informed  that  you  have  been  faken 
into  the  keeping  of  the  law,  not  as  a  bad  man,  but  as  one 
standing  in  need  of  a  protector,  conceiving  you  undfl^  the 
calamity  of  being  a  little  deranged  in  your  nervous  system, 
from  a  fever  possibly,  or  some  cause  which  constitutes  a 
malady,  not  a  crime.  The  inquiry  is  whether  you  are  in  your 
right  mind  ;  a  suspicion  to  the  contrary  of  which  is  excited 
by  your  congregating  cattle  and  wild  beasts,  in  order,  as  yeu 
say,  to  civilize  them,  and  make  them  members  of  society. 

Experiments  of  this  kind  have,  with  great  difficulty,  suc 
ceeded  with  the  savages.  ^And  indeed,  where  they  have  suc 
ceeded,  it  has  been  chiefly  to  the  southward,  where  the  system 
is  more  relaxed,  and  the  temper  mild.  It  appears  ma&r.ess 
vol.  4,  12 


142 


MODERN     CHIVALRY. 


in  the  abstract,  to  talk  of  humanizing  brutes,  that  are  behind 
savages,  and  at  a  great  interval. 

That  I  deny,  said  the  philosopher. 

"  Haud  magno  intervallo",  said  the  Latin  schoolmaster. 

I  say  that  many  of  the  human  species  are  not  before  the 
brutal. 

"  Man  differs  more  from  man  than  man  from  beast." 
These  things  are  figuratively  spoken,  said  the  chief  justice. 
In  poetry  or  prose,  the  meaning  is  no  more  than  that  a  portion 
of  our  species  have  so  tar  degraded  themselves  by  obedience 
to  the  sensual  appetite,  especially  in  swilling  intoxicating 
drinks,  and  in  gormandizing,  thatjlike  beasts  they  lose  the  face 
erect  to  heaven,  and  are  constantly  looking  down  upon  their 
tables,  without  mental  enjoyment;  or,  that  from  a  neglect  of 
the  cultivation  of  moral  reason,  they  may  seem  to  want  but 
the  horn  or  the  hoof,  to  be  like  the  cattle  that  graze  the  com 
mons.  This  is  no  more  than  the  sentiment  of  Plato,  which, 
with  the  expresssion  in  which  it  is  clothed,  is  given  by  Lon- 
ginus,  as  an  example  of  the  sublime. 

I  am  not  just  so  far  lost  to  reason,  said  the  philosopher,  as 
to  take  figures  for  realities.  I  know  that  a  figure  is  but  a 
ehort  simile,  or  faole,  hit  off  in  few  words  ;  and  the  orators  or 
satyrists,  among  the  poets  or  philosophers,  in  their  moral 
essays,  by  their  burstings  and  castings,  mean  no  more  than 
to  dissect  insignificance  or  degradation  or  sensual  indulgence. 
It  is  not  their  intention  to  communicate  the  idea  that  men 
actually  become  quadrupeds,  though  I  have  seen  some  not  far 
from  it.  But  still  this  does  not  affect  the  question,  how  far 
the  nature  of  beasts  may  be  improvable.  But  admitting  the 
absurdity  of  the  attempt,  and  that  it  carries  with  it  a  pre 
sumption  of  derangement  of  the  brain,  is  the  insanity  preju 
dicial  to  the  community?  It  can  be  but  time  thrown  away 
which,  supposing  me  a  man  beside  myself,  cannot  be  of  great 
value.  I  purchase  all  my  stock  that  I  employ  my  cams  upon, 
with  the  exception  of  a  few  that  have  been  bestowed  to  me. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  143 

I  had  a  present  made  me  of  an  elk  from  the  mountains.  This 
I  am  forming  for  an  ambassador,  for  which  if  he  does  not  turn 
out  fit,  he  can  be  disposed  of  to  a  museum.  Why  should  it  be 
thought  impossible  to  instruct  the  four-footed  creatures,  and 
render  them  capable  of  suffrage,  if  not  of  office  ?  Why  should 
it  be  thought  more  improbable  than  the  schemes  of  Godwin, 
and  other  philosophers  of  the  present  day,  who  talk  of  the 
perfectibility  of  man — that  is  of  raising  him  up  to  a  level  with 
the  angels,  by  a  course  of  education  or  training  ?  I  have  a 
great  deal  of  trouble  with  them  in  my  school,  it  is  true,  for 
they  are  apt  to  play  truant.  A  young  fox  broke  off  the  other 
day,  and  I  have  not  been  able  to  recover  him. 

The  discipline  which  I  find  it  necessary  to  enforce  is  not 
the  mildest.  I  use  a  pretty  rude  ferrule  ;  and  I  have  occa 
sion  to  exert  authority,  to  quicken  parts  and  application. 

If  I  succeed,  in  bringing  these  sans  culottes  to  be  good  cit 
izens,  I  shall  have  deserved  well  of  the  republic ;  and  if  I 
should  fail,  no  one's  labour  is  lost  but  my  own.  Experiments 
in  every  other  way  are  indulged ;  and  even  patents  granted, 
where  the  invention  has  but  the  appearance  of  succeeding. 
Why  may  I  not  be  allowed  to  turn-  my  attention  to  the  mak 
ing  a  justice  of  the  peace  out  of  an  elk,  or  a  judge  out  of  a 
buffalo,  if  the  thing  is  possible  ?  Especially,  as  instead  of 
making  a  demand  for  my  production,  if  I  should  be  so  fortu 
nate  as  to  be  able  to  furnish  these  out  of  my  manufactory,  it 
will  cost  the  state  nothing  for  the  education,  and  as  to  the 
officers  themselves,  the  forage  will  be  less  expensive  ;  in  some 
cases  a  few  tufts,  in  others  a  little  grain  will  suffice.  If  a  horse- 
judge  is  invited  to  dine,  a  peck  of  oats,  of  grass  or  corn,  and 
a  bundle  of  hay  in  the  stable,  and  truss  of  straw  to  litter  him  at 
night,  will  be  all  that  will  be  wanted.*  This  will  be  a  great 
saving  to  poor  rogues  that  may  wish  to  have^it  said  that  a  judge 

*  The  author  rarely  looses  an  opportunity  of  showing  his  dis 
approbation  of  the  practice  of  inviting  the  judges  to  entertainments 
often  by  rich  suitors. 


144  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

dined  with  them  ;  not  that  they  care  for  the  judge,  but  that 
people  may  think  they  have  the  law  on  their  side.  I  say  that 
hospitality  in  this  way,  will  be  hss  expensive,  and  economy, 
if  not  a  moral,  is  at  least  apolitical  vtrtue. 

But  independent  of  these  contingent  advantages,  and  barely 
possible,  if  you  please,  advantages,  the  money  circulated  in 
the  settlement  by  this  instruction,  or  a  college  of  any  kind 
which  cannot  but  bring  money,  must  increase  the  value  of 
property. 

This  last  argument  was  popular,  and  struck  the  crowd  de 
cirtiumstantibus.  Several  counsel  present  as  friends  of  the 
court,  put  in  a  word,  catching  at  popularity,  and  gave  their 
opinions  that  they  knew  of  no  statute  in  the  case  ;  and  that, 
by  the  common  law,  every  man  had  a  right  to  traffic  in  such 
purchases  ;  and  that  no  enquiry  could  reasonably  be  made, 
when  a  man  bought  a  pig,  whether  I  meant  to  make  a  scholar 
of  him,  or  abarbacue  * 

These  arguments  prevailing,  the  prisoner  was  enlarged. 

*In  |his  satire  against  the  perfectibility  of  man,  and  beast,  the 
author,  is  not  to  be  supposed  to  be  an  enemy  to  progress,  and  im 
provement  in  both.  He  only  condemns  the  visionary,  and  hopeless 
attempt,  to  attain  at  once,  to  this  perfection,  in  defiance  of  the  laws 
of  nature  and  all  rational  probability.  He  did  not  pretend  to  set  a 
limit  to  improvement,  or  discourage  every  well  directed  effort  to 
that  end — lie  merely  desired  to  see  it  determined  by  the  process  of 
practical  experience,  without  assuming  a  priori,  that  beasts  could 
be  made  rational  like  men,  and  men  immortal  as  gods.  No  one 
can  fix  an  exact  limit  to  the  power  of  man  over  nature,  or  say  Urns 
farmayest  thou  go,  and  no  further — while  on  the  other  hand,  it 
would  be  presumptuous  to  say,  that  his  power  is  icithout  limit  alto- 
get/ier. 


CHAPTER   XXVI. 

The  author  considers  the    difference  between  the  brutal  and 
human  nature.     The  difference  is  in  kind,  and  not  in  degree. 

IT  is  a  melancholy  consideration  how  nearly  the  brutal 


MODfifiN   CHIVALRY.  145 

nature  borders  on  the  human;  because  it  leads  to  a  reflection 
that  the  difference  may  not  be  in  kind  but  in  degree.  But  on 
the  most  diligent  consideration  that  I  have  been  able  to  give 
the  subject,  it  would  seem  to  me,  that  no  reasonable  doubt 
can  exist  of  there  being  a  distinction  in  kind.  The  brutal 
creation  is  not  improvable  beyond  a  certain  limit;  and  that 
limit  is  reached  at  an  early  period,  by  what  is  called  instinct. 
The  mind  of  a  beast  grows  up  to  its  size  as  naturally  as  its 
body.  And  though  the  capacity  of  a  man  of  a  very  heavy 
nature  may  seem  not  a  great  deal  beyond  that  of  a  sagacious 
quadruped  of  some  species  ;  yet  is  capable  of  continual  en 
largement  ;  and,  at  the  latest  years  of  his  life,  until  perfect 
superanuation,  is  susceptible  of  new  impressions.  If  the 
strength  of  judgment  in  comparing  objects,  cannot  be  im 
proved  ;  yet  the  sphere  of  thinking  can  be  extended.  His 
ideas  can  be  infinitely  increased.  What  carries  with  it  the 
appearance  of  virtue,  in  a  faithful  quadruped,  does  not  seem 
to  be  the  result  of  any  reflex  sentiment  of  duty  and  obligation 
but  is  more  uniform  and  certain  than  human  affection,  which 
is  a  proof  of  something  inseparable  from  its  nature.  It  is  the 
instinct  of  the  bee  which  enables  it  to  construct  its  mathemat 
ical  cell,  and  it  is  no  more  reason,  than  operation  of  inani 
mate  nature  whether  she  forms  a  sis-sided  crystal,  or  a  four- 
sided,  or  triangular  one. 

Except  certain  noiees,  peculiar  to  their  natures,  and  of 
which  all  of  the  species  are  possessed,  as  soon  as  they  receive 
existence,  and  which  is  an  untaught  language,  we  have  no 
evidence  of  ideas  in  their  minds  annexed  to  sounds.  Much 
less  is  there  a  capacity  of  a  variation  of  articulation  to  any 
extent,  worth  mentioning.  A  traveler  of  good  sense,  who 
has  seen  the  Cafrarian ;  or  whatever  other  species,  under  the 
denomination  of  the  creature  man,  at  the  lowest  grade,  would 
not  despair  if  it  was  imposed  on  him  as  a  condition  to  reserve 
himself  from  slavery  or  death,  that  he  must  take  a  young 
person  from  amongst  that  people,  and  teach  it  any  language, 
or  science,  or  abstract  principle  of  knowledge;  but  if  it  was 
vol.  4,  12* 


146  MODERN     JHIVALKV* 

made  the  condition  that  he  should  take  the  seemingly  most 
intelligent  of  the  quadrupeds  of  the  countries  he  has  visited, 
and  teach  any  thing  like  what  is  called  a  rational  acquisition, 
he  would  say  the  attempt  is  not  worth  making  ;  it  is  impossi 
ble.  The  seven  wise  masters  or  mistresses  of  Greece — allud 
ing  to  a  popular  book  under  thattitle — the  philosophers  of  an 
tiquity,  or  modern  times,  employed  for  an  indefinite  space, 
would  never  teach  him  more  in  reality  than  he  possessed  in 
the  woods  from  whence  he  came.  He  might  be  taught,  by  as 
sociation,  to  connect  certain  movements  of  the  body  with 
those  shown  him  ;  and  by  imitation  led  to  make  them,  under 
tear  of  a  whip,  but  that  is  all.  It  is  humiliating  to  think  that 
brutes  of  whose  past-existence  we  have  no  hope,  have  even  so 
near  an  approach  to  our  nature.  But  it  is  consolatory  that 
therS  seems  to  be  something  like  demonstration  that  they  are 
so  far  behind  ;  that  it  is  not  in  degree  of  intellect,  but  in  kind 
that  they  differ  ;  and  that  difference  is  so  immense,  that  it  is 
not  unreasonable  to  entertain  the  idea  of  a  totally  different 
destination.  This  ig  reasoning  from  the  laws  of  nature  as  to 
destination  of  the  human  mind,  and  upon  which  the  philoso. 
pher  must  dwell  with  pleasure,  as  aiding  what  those  who  be 
lieve  in  revelation  adduce  as  the  grounds  of  their  faith.  For 
there  can  be  no  philosopher,  who,  whatever  doubts  he  may 
have  of  religion,  can  be  without  a  wish  that  it  may  be  true. 
What  is  it  more  than  being  certain  of  what,  even  supposing 
it  a*t  to  be  revealed,  yet  the  imagination  of  a  man  would  con 
trive  for  himself  as  painting  his  glory,  and  his  happiness  ? 
What  is  that  which  we  call  revelation,  but  a  system  of  ideas 
representing  a  prospect  ennobling  to  our  natures,  and  which, 
not  repealed,  must  at  least  be  the  conception  of  great  and 
good  minds  intent  on  what  would  constitute  the  grandeur  and 
felie&y  of  the  creature  man  ?  He  that  assails  this  belief  does 
a  great  injury,  and  no  good.  I  do  not  refer  to  the  creeds,  or 
modes  of  faith,  which  separate  the  different  sects,  often  ruled 
by  lean  majorities.  The  immortality  of  the  the  soul  cannot 
be  a  mere  illusion,  for  it  is  a  universal  and  natural  instinct^ 
and  revelation. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  147 

We  have  no  means  of  getting  at  the  exercise  of  the  mind  of 
a  beast ;  so  that  we  cannot  say  what  may  be  the  limit  of  their 
cogitations.  But  no  one  observing  them  has  ever  been  able 
to  trace  any  thing  like  an  idea  of  what  they  have  been;  or  a 
fear  of  what  they  may  be.  No  uneasiness  of  mind  seems  to 
hang  upon  them  from  this  source.  Yet  this  anxiety  is  given 
so  strong  to  our  nature  that  it  is  the  constant  subject  of  our 
thought?  :  our  reasonings  concerning  it  are  infinite  ;  our  serial 
castles  which  we  build,  even  where  they  are  the  mere  effect 
of  imagination,  are  without  end.  We  people  all  nature  with 
beings  for  ourselves,  even  where  we  are  not.  What  might 
have  been  Theogoniea  anterior  to  the  time  ofMoses,  in  Egypt 
and  other  parts  of  Africa,  we  cannot  ascertain  :  but  from  the 
history  of  the  Jews,  we  have  considerable  information  relative 
to  that  of  Syria  ;  at  least  of  Palestine,  the  part  of  Syria,  more 
immediately  adjoining. 

The  heathen  mythology,  particularly  so  denominated,  pre 
sents  an  immense  scope ;  and  which,  with  the  poets,  is  yet 
preserved.  It  is  a  part  of  a  learned,  or  even  of  a  polite  educa 
tion,  to  be  made  acquainted  with  this  system  in  order  to  under" 
stand  the  allusion  of  the  fine  writers,  ancient  and  modern  ? 
What  an  immense  exercise,  and  employment  of  the  human 
mind  must  it  not  have  been  to  build  up  such  a  system.  How 
ever  false  we  may  suppose  this  peopling  with  celestial  pow 
ers,  or  earthly  divinities,  it  cannot  but  be  consolatory  to 
reflect  that  it  makes  a  boundary  or  barrier  at  all  times  distinct 
between  the  human  mind,  however  in  darkness,  and  that  of 
what  we  consider  the  mere  animal  creation. 

We  have  but  partial  and  obsoiirc  information  of  the  systems 
of  other  nations,  contemporary  with  the  Greeks  and  Romans. 
But  we  see  in  what  we  have  of  these,  the  like  evidence  of 
activitv,  pressing  beyond  the  bounds  of  what  we  see  before 
our  eyes,  and  fashioning  to  our  minds  images  of  existence. 
The  nature  of  these,  is  usually  a  proof  of  the  duration  and 
refinement  of  a  people. 

Where  the  imagination   was  limited  by  the   doctrines  of 


148  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

revelation  under  the  Mosaic,  or  Christian  dispensation ;  as  to 
the  unity  of  the  Deity,  and  ministers  of  good  or  evil  to  man 
how  unlimited  have  been  the  excursions  of  the  fancy,  and  the 
subtleties  of  the  intellect,  in  the  subdivisions  of  credence  1 
The  Talmud  and  the  Targum  of  the  Jews  present  us  an  im 
mense  field.  The  polemic  divinity  of  the  Christian  schools,  is 
more  within  our  knowledge  ;  taught  in  some  section  of  the 
church,  to  the  catechumeni,  or  propounded,  in  the  pulpits. 
These  disquisitions  show  the  wonderfully  metaphysical  na 
ture  of  the  human  mind — whilst  no  connected  chain  cf  rea 
soning,  no  reasoning  about  cause  and  effect,  is  perceptible  in 
the  brute,  at  least  beyond  one  or  two  links  of  the  chain,  and 
only  the  result  or  operation  of  habit.  Instinct  is  plainly  dis 
tinguishable  from  reason — there  is  an  instinct  even  in  plants, 
as  well  as  in  the  lowest  order  of  animals,  and  more  sure  than 
reason. 

On  the  contrary,  there  seema  to  be  no  trace  of  hope  or  fear, 
with  regard  to  futurity,  in  the  mind  of  a  brute.  I  have  ob 
served  with  great  attention,  and  I  could  never  discover  any 
symptom,  in  the  smallest  degree,  of  that  horror  which  is  felt 
by  man  at  the  view  of  a  dead  body-— the  abstract  idea  of- 
death — the  horror  of  ceasing  to  exist.  The  revulsion  of  mind 
which  is  felt  at  being  in  the  dark,  especially  with  a  dead  body 
seems  not  in  the  most  distant  degree,  participated  with  any 
of  the  hairy  or  feathered  tribes,  neither  in  respect  of  dead 
creatures  of  their  own  species,  nor  of  the  human.  No  shy. 
ness  of  a  church  yard,  has  ever  been  remarked.  Tales  of 
apparitions,  are  told  in  hearing  of  domesticated  animals, 
without  the  least  symptom  of  that  fear  of  being  left  alone 
which  afflict  families  where  there  are  nurses,  whose  memories 
are  stored  with  relations  of  this  nature.  Memoirs  of  the 
Fairy  kingdom,  have  no  effect  upon  a  dog,  or  a  cat. 

But  where  is  the  heaviest  of  the  creature  called  human,  that 
is  not  affected — nay,  perhaps,  liable  to  be  affected  the  most? 
There  would,  therefore,  even  from  this  small  ground  of  argu 
ment,  independently  of  revelation,  be  reason  to  infer  that 


MODERN     CHIVLARY.  149 

whatever  may  be  said,  in  figures  of  speech,  or  however  really 
man  may  degrade  himself,  by  denying  to  himself  an  immortal 
soul,  yet,  in  the  scale  of  being  the  lowest  is  by  an  infinite 
distance  in  his  nature,  above  a  beast* 

That  gregarious  animals  are  susceptible  of  a  kind  of  civil 
government,  is  certain.  But  their  regulations  seem  to  be  a 
law  of  their  nature ;  at  all  times  the  same  :  without  changes 
in  any  country,  or  at  any  period.  \8  to  the  philosopher,  I 
have  dwelt  long  enough  upon  his  reverie,  which  I  thought 
might  amuse  young  persons,  and  I  omit  what  further  occurred, 
the  contrivance  of  Harum  Scarum,  and  Will  Watlin,  to  con 
firm  him  in  his  hypothesis.  This  was  to  dress  themselves  in 
hair  and  bear  skins,  and  to  pass  with  him  by  running  upon 
all  fours,  for  educated  cubs  that  had  been  taught  languages. 
These  were  frolics  of  which  the  governor  did  not  approve  ; 
for  it  is  not  becoming,  to  be  amused  at  the  expense  of  persons 
deprived  either  of  the  gifts  of  reason,  or  of  the  goods  of  for 
tune.  It  might  not  perhaps  be  blamable  to  be  diverted  at 
the  mistake  of  some  weak  people,  who  were  imposed  upon, 
and  became  alarmed  at  the  idea  of  their  feeing  candidates  for 
the  legislature,  at  the  next  election,  and  sent  forward  to  take 
a  seat.  This  was  what  the  wags  threatened  in  their  disguise; 
and  when  the  caprice  of  suffrage  was  considered,  who  could 
tell  but  that  the  apparent  quadrupeds  might  make  good  what 
they  spoke. 

*  This  very  subject  is  j>ne,  which,  since  the  above  was  written, 
has  occupied  the  attention  of  philosophers,  especially  the  German; 
The  Infidel  and  visionary  school  contends,  that  the  difference  is 
in  degree,  and  not  in  kind. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

The  author  apologzies  for  the  preceding  chapters,  on  the  subject 
of  beasts. 
The  preceding  chapters  may  be    considered  extravagant, 


150  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

and  exceeding  all  probability.  But  ie  it  a  new  thing  in  the 
history  of  government,  that  the  right  of  suffrage  should  de 
pend  upon  property?  No  man  shall  vote  unless  has  has  so 
much,  say  some  of  the  constituents.  In  this  case  is  it  he  or 
his  property  that  votes  ?  If  it  cannot  in  cattle,  can  it  be  said 
that  cattle  do  not  vote  ?  Ergo,  a  cow,  or  a  horse,  in  some 
communities  have  the  privilege  of  a  vote  in  the  enacting  laws. 
If  in  some  of  them,  who  belong  to  hard  hearted  masters,  knew 
of  this  privilege,  and  could  exercise  it  to  the  whole  extent  of 
their  wishes,  they  would  stipulate  with  the  candidate,  for 
milder  treatment  in  the  drudgery  in  which  they  are  employed. 
I  have  seen  many  a  horse,  that  considering  matters  individu 
ally,  and  apart  from  the  nature,  I  have  thought  more  respect 
able  than  the  owner ;  and  yet  this  horse  most  unmercifully 
treated.*  The  only  universally  distinguishing  criterion  of 
humanity,  that  I  know  is,  the  mild  treatment  of  every  crea 
ture  that  has  feeling,  and  is  in  our  power.  This  ought  to  be 

*  The  following,  1852,  is  one  of  the  lates  samples  of  that  wild 
extravagance  which  from  time  to  time  rages  on  the  popular  mind, 
at  least  of  a  portion  of  the  people. 

"  Some  of  the  clergy  in  the  eastern  part  of  the  county  (Clarke) 
say  that  they  are  inspired  by  the  spirits,  and  that  their  sermons 
delivered  out  of  the  pulpit  are  not  their  own,  but  that  they  are  the 
instruments  through  which  the  spirits  operate  upon  the  mass  of 
the  people.  We  understand  that  these  divines,  or  the  spirits 
through  them,  say  that  the  Millenninum  has  commenced,  and  that 
in  less  than  five  years  the  wicked  are  to  be  swept  from  the  face  of 
the  earth;  and  the  righteous  are  to  inherit  it  forever.  It  is  reported 
that  one  of  the  divines  said,  on  Sunday  last,  while  preaching  to  a 
crowded  house,  that  not  more  than  a  dozen  of  his  audience  would 
ever  pass  through  the  shades  of  death.  It  is  also  said  that  the 
spirits  have  informed  the  people,  through  the  mediums,  that  the 
old  way  of  baptizing-  is  all  wrong,  and  that  they  should  use  water 
instead  of  wine  for  sacramental  purposes  ;  and  we  are  informed 
that  the  people  are  following  the  directions  to  the  letter  ?  A  new 
church  has  been  organized,  called  the  Church  of  Christ,  and  a 
meeting  is  now  being  held,  which  commenced  one  week  ago,  and 
is  to  continue  until  the  spirits  tell  them  to  stop.  We  are  told  that 
some  are  so  infatuated  with  this  new  religion  that  they  do  not  do 
a  single  thing  without  first  consulting  the  spirits.  The  excitement 
in  the  neighborhood  is  great,  and  some  of  the  best  men  in  the 
county  are  strong  believers." 


MODERN    CHIVALRY,  151 

inculcated  as  a  moral  duty.  But  as  to  beasts  in  propria per 
sona,  voting,  not  just  giving  in  a  ticket  for  themselves,  but 
standing  by,  and  neighing  or  grunting,  or  grinning ;  it  may 
be  thought  too  much  yet.  But  why  should  it  be  thought 
altogether  out  of  the  compass  of  possibility  ?  After  what  I 
have  seen  and  heard  of  minkind,  I  should  not  wonder  at  such 
a  thing  taking  place.  It  would  be  Utopean  to  look  for  per 
fect  equality  in  practice,  as  well  as  in  law,  as  long  as 
some  men  are  wiser,  than  others  as  long  as  there  is  depend 
ence.  We  call  ourselves  rational  beings  ;  and,  yet  alas  1  of 
what  absurdities  is  not  the  human  mind  capable?  Who 
would  think  it  possible  were  it  not  a  fact  established  by  ten 
thousand  testimonies,  that  human  sacrifice  could  ever  have 
been  thought  acceptable  to  the  divinity  ?  It  is  easy  to  trace 
the  origin  of  the  idea,  and  the  policy  of  the  sacrifice  of  cattle ; 
because  it  facilitated  to  an  order  of  men  who  did  not  labour, 
the  means  of  livelihood.  It  may  be  considered  as  still  more 
absurd,  that  a  creature,  supposed  rational,  as  man,  could  be 
so  far  irrational  as  to  think  that  the  punishment  of  himself 
could  be  acceptable  to  divinity,  unless  taken  in  the  light,  the 
present  smart  might  help  weak  minds  to  refrain  from  the  like 
wrong  they  have  done  ;  connecting  the  flagellation  with  the 
memory  of  it.  Hence  it  may  be  said,  that  it  is  not  out  of 
nature,  to  ascribe  any  thing  however  absurd  to  the  creature 
man. 

The  line  of  the  poet  Pope  applied  to  an  individual,  may  be 
parodied,  and  applied  to  the  whole  species. 

"  The  greatest,  basest,  meanest  of  all  kind." 

If  a  chapter  like  this  had  been  written  in  the  course  of  the 
revolution  from  the  government  of  Britain,  representing  the 
body  of  the  people  in  some  state,  as  reprobating  the  common 
law,  and  calling  out  for  its  abrogation,  would  it  not  have  been 
thought  extravagant,  and  intended  as  a  burlesque  upon  the 
republican  institutions  of  the  country?  And  yet  we  have 
seen  this  actually  pressed  and  not  far  from  being  carried.  Ifc 
amounts  to  the  same  thing  as  having  no  law  at  all.  For  it  is 


152  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

experience  that  has  made  that  law;  dictated  by  the  wants  of 
man  sucessively  brought  to  view.*  And  to  begin  again,  we 
must  be  in  the  situation  of  those  who  had  no  law  ;  and  there 
fore  the  proposition  was  to  be  without  law;  and  to  have  law 
only  as  a  legislature,  from  occasion  to  occasion,  could  enact, 
— the  case  that  first  happened,  could  have  no  principle,  that 
could  apply  to  it ;  that  must  be  provided  for  the  second  ;  and 
at  the  end  of  a  thousand  years,  we  might  have  such  a  body 
of  laws,  as  that  which  is  proposed  to  be  abolished,  I  say  we 
might  have;  but  it  would  be  a  rare  chance  if  we  should. 
How  should  a  man  be  sensible  of  this,  that  had  not  traced 
the  history  of  that  law,  and  examined  the  nature  of  it  ?  It 
could  not  be  expected  from  one  who  had  confounded  its  per 
versions  with  the  law  itself.  If  when  the  constitutions  of 
these  states  were  formed,  after  much  reflection  of  the  ablest 
judges,  and  the  people  had  solemnly  and  deliberately  adopted 
them,  it  had  been  stated  by  any  writer,  that  in  the  short  per 
iod,  of  perhaps  not  more  than  twenty  years,  innovators  not 
born  in  the  country,  or  born  late,  and  having  no  experience 
of  what  had  past,  should  assume  the  language  of  what  they 
call  reform,  to  the  extent  they  have  done  in  some  places, 
would  it  be  believed  ?  Nay,  would  it  not  have  been  rejected 
as  outraging  all  probability?  But  must  there  be  no  progress? 
Certainly,  there  must — although  mere  NOVELTY  is  not  pro 
gress.  It  may  be  retrogression.  Progress,  is  taking  a  step 

*  No  invention  of  the  imagination  can  go  beyond  the  reality,  in 
the  extravagance  we  have  occasionally  witnessed  in  this  country  of 
boundless  and  uncontroled  freedom  of  opinion.  Not  to  speak  of 
Agrarians,  Fanny  Wright  people,  Mormons,  Millerites  and  others, 
a  party  has  actually  sprung  up,  called  non-resistants,  who  resist 
all  law  and  government,  and  declare  themselves  excluded  from 
the  pale  of  civilization  and  society,  but  instead  of  betaking  them 
selves  to  some  desert  island,  most  preposterously  enjoy  the  bene 
fits  of  that  protection  offered  by  government  and  law  !  The  agpa- 
rian,  or  equal  division  of  property,  is  one  of  their  principles.  They 
denounce  as  robbers  and  plunderers ,  all  who  hold  separate  property, 
while  others  have  no'hing1,  and  it  matters  riot  whether  this  desti- 
titution  is  occasioned  by  their  vices,  or  folly,  or  misfortune. 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.       ^  153 

beyond  the  highest  degree  of  present  advancement,  and  losing 
nothing  that  has  been  gained.  There  is  no  knowing  to  what 
the  love  of  novelty  may  bring  the  human  mind.  It  is  * 
strange  compound  of  the  rational  and  irrational:  and  it  is 
only  by  turns  that  the  rational  predominates. — "  Thinkest 
thou  me  a  dog,  that  I  can  do  these  things  ?"  said  Haziel. 
Thinkest  thou  me  a  beast,  may  one  say  to  me,  that  I  could 
advocate  the  suffrages  of  beasts,  or  of  giving  them  the  elective 
franchise  ?  We  know  of  one  who  made  a  senator  of  his  horse, 
and  the  same  folly  may  make  voters  of  beasts.  Yes :  human 
nature,  I  do  think  you  capable  of  being  brought  to  such  ab 
surdity,  or  to  any  thing  else  you  please  to  call  it.  It  is  true, 
I  do  not  see  you  at  this  moment  offering  up  your  children,  or 
your  enemies,  as  sacrifices  to  please  a  divinity,  which  out- 
Herods  Herod,  in  all  conceptions ;  yet  I  hear  doctrines  pub 
lished,  and  see  them  in  books,  which  are  still  worse.  For 
their  divinities,  with  the  exception  of  Jeptha  and  his  daugh 
ter,  were  the  false  divinities  of  the  heathen  world ;  and  might 
be  supposed  to  delight  in  the  miseries  of  mortals  ;  though 
what  good  they  could  get  by  that,  I  cannot  comprehend. 
But  in  the  doctrines  I  have  in  view,  a  good  deity,  and  even 
represented  as  good,  by  these  unintential  blasphemers  of 
the  Deity  without  knowing  it,  is  represented  as  having 
created  existences,  the  sum  of  whose  misery  may  exceed 
the  happiness.  Nay,  who  are  predestined  by  that  good 
divinity  to  be  damned  from  all  eternity!  At  least  the 
escape  from  the  excess  of  misery  above  that  of  happiness,  may 
depend  upon  chance — as  the  idea  of  felicity  in  a  future  state, 
depending  upon  subtilities  of  creeds,  is  placing  it  upon  the 
mere  accident  of  situation,  and  the  casualty  of  belief.  Yet  if 
one  were  to  deny  to  some  doctors  the  truth  of  what  they 
teach,  they  would  be  disposed  to  treat  the  individual  as  not 
a  good  Christian.  It  is  true,  they  would  only  say  they  did  not 
think  him  a  good  citizen:  But  I  would  say  to  them,  that  I 
did  not  think  them  Christians  at  all,  so  far  as  regarded  opin 
ion,  whatever  they  might  he  in  practice.  1'or  the  Christian 
vol.  4,  13 


154  9         MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

religion  is  a  system  of  humanity  and  truth  ;  and  the  great 
object  of  it  is  to  secure  morality  amongst  men.  It  has  no 
metaphysics  in  the  nature  of  it,  but  is  intelligble  to  a  child, 
though  catechisms  are  not.  The  idea  ot  representing  the 
deity  as  an  object  of  terror,  and  as  contriving  unimaginable 
torments  for  his  creatures,  must  have  been  borrowed  from  the 
examples  of  some  of  those  despots  who  has  been  the  scourge 
of  the  human  race.  I  believe  in  Christianity,  but  not  in  the 
creed  of  any  man  unless  it  conforms  to  my  own  reason.  How 
preposterous  in  Calvin,  and  others  of  the  reformers,  to  claim 
a  right  for  themselves,  to  take  their  creed  from  the  Bible,  and 
yet  assume  to  deny  this  right  to  others,  or  what  is  the  same 
thing,  require  them  to  receive  their  interpretation  ;  as  matters 
of  faith,  and  deny  the  right  to  differ  from  them  ?  And  is  not 
this  the  practical  effect  of  all  creeds  ?  None  are  Christians  say 
they,  who  do  not  read  the  Bible  as  we  do — who  dare  to  set 
aside  our  articles  of  faith  and  think  for  themselves !  You  are 
at  liberty  to  vote  as  you  please,  said  a  French  Colonel  to  his 
soldiers,  at  the  election  of  Emperor,  but  if  you  don't  vote  for 
Napolean,  I  will  shoot  you!  It  is  the  duty  of  every  one  to 
think  for  himself,  for  his  responsibility  is  his  own,  solitary 
and  individually 


CHAPTER   XXVIII. 

The  subject  continued. 

THE  author  is  well  aware  that  some  things  he  has  related, 
will  not  only  be  deemed  improbable,  but  some  of  the  less  char 
itable  may  be  disposed  to  call  in  question  his  veracity,  as  a 
historian.  But  how  can  any  one  undertake  to  say  what  is 
extravagant,  or  what  is  incredible  ?  Who  is  there,  at  this  day, 
that  will  call  in  question  the  truth  of  the  rise  and  progress  of 
the  Corsican  adventurer — and  yet  this  is  most  marvellous. 
At  a  future  day,  when  the  lights  of  history  shall  have  been  ob 
scured,  who  knows  but  his  adventures,  when  written,  may  be 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  155 

laid  on  the  same  shelf  with  those  of  Amadis  of  Gaul,  Don 
Bellianis  of  Greece  ;  or  a  small  book  entitled  the  Seven 
Champions  of  Christendom  ?  It  is  in  the  cards,  to  use  a 
phrase  taken  from  the  gamblers,  and  not  at  all  improbable, 
that  his  fall  may  be  as  rapid,  and  not  less  extraordinary  than 
his  ascent.  * 

It  is  perhaps  somewhat  owing  to  a  defect  in  the  narration, 
that  an  air  of  improbability  is  thrown  upon  a  history,  by  not 
entering  sufficiently  into  a  detail  of  the  transactions.  There 
is  a  remarkable  instance  of  this  in  the  history  of  the  Ameri 
can  war  by  Ramsey,  in  which  he  notices  the  capture  of  three 
vessels,  and  1500  men  of  the  British  by  a  stratagem.  Perhaps 
not  1500,  for  I  have  not  the  book  before  me  ;  but  certainly 
some  hundreds.  All  this  by  four  of  a  Georgia  regiment  and 
an  old  negro,  a  waiter.  It  was  in  all  the  Gazettes  of  the 
time  ;  but  the  details  were  not  given.  It  is  also  mentioned 
by  General  Lee,  in  his  memoirs ;  who,  though  he  gives  some 
particulars,  yet  is  not  minute  in  his  statement  of  the  circum 
stance.  It  was  at  night  by  making  numerous  fires  and  then 
sending  a  flag  in  the  morning.  The  vessels  had  grounded. 
There  is  no  doubt  of  the  fact,  however  ;  nor  would  it  appear 
doubtful  to  any  one,  provided  the  circumstances  were  min 
utely  stated,  which  led  to  the  success.  But  it  is  not  consist 
ent  with  the  object  of  this  work,  to  introduce  this  narrative 
by  way  of  episode.  I  mention  it  only  as  an  instance,  that  the 
improbable  is  not  always  false.  The  study  of  brevity,  is  a 
cause  of  the  omission  of  incidents  ;  an  unwillingness  to  detain 
the  reader.  And  yet  the  great  charm  of  ancient  historians, 
is  the  minuteness  of  painting.  But  I  will  say  for  myself,  and 
at  the  same  time  it  may  be  an  apology  for  other  historians, 
that  the  extreme  study  of  brevity  arises  frequently  from  too 
much  sensibility  to  public  opinion  ;  too  great  a  fear  of  weary 
ing  the  reader.  We  are  not  sure  that  what  we  relate  is  of 
sufficient  importance  to  engage  attention ;  and  we  endeavor 

*  This  was  written  some  years  before  the  event,  which  occurred 
only  the  year  before  the  author's  death. 


156  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

to  crowd  the  more  into  a  narrow  space.  This  is  an  attempt 
to  make  up  by  condensing,  what  the  material  itself  wants  in 
its  quality. 

But  the  want  of  probability  has  not  been  an  observation  in 
the  mouths  of  all  the  readers  of  this  work.  On  the  contrary 
it  has  been  thought  by  some,  that  the  incidents  have  been  all 
so  common  and  natural,  that  there  is  nothing  improbable  in 
them  ;  and  that  the  triteness  of  occurrence,  rather  than  the 
unusual,  and  extravagant,  ought  to  be  the  objection.  What 
extraordinary  can  there  be,  say  some,  in  such  a  creature  as 
Teague  O'Regan  receiving  appointments  to  office,  or  beiug 
thought  qualified  for  the  discharge  of  the  highest  trusts  ?  Do 
we  not  see  instances  every  day  of  the  like  ?  Is  it  possible  to 
say  how  low'the  grade  of  human  intellect,  that  may  be  thought 
capable  of  transacting  public  business  ?  It  will  be  seen  in 
the  subsequent  part  of  ihis  narrative,  that  the  joke  has  been 
carried  farther  than  the  lowest  possible  capacity  of  what  is 
found  amongst  men ;  not  just  a  block  of  wood,  for  that  would 
be  assigning  intellectual  functions  to  an  inanimate  substance. 
And  yet,  even  this  has  not  been  without  a  parallel  in  the 
history  of  the  human  mind,  as  to  what  has  been  one  subject 
of  the  belief  of  nations.  Did  not  some  even  make  gods  of 
stocks  and  stones,  assigning  to  them  celestial  natures,  and 
placing  them  above  a  mortal  existence  ?  Under  this  impres 
sion,  some  have  been  forward  enough  to  tell  me,  that,  so  far 
from  my  bog-trotter  being  a  burlesque  upon  human  credulity 
and  pretension  to  office,  that  the  bulk  of  men  in  office  are 
below  even  his  qualifications  ;  and  that  if  I  were  to  go  into 
any  deliberate  body,  and  pull  out  the  first  man  that  occurred 
to  me,  nine  times  out  of  ten,  I  would  find  that  I  had  a  Teague 
O'Regan  by  the  shoulders.  I  have  no  idea  that  things  are 
just  brought  to  this  pass,  notwithstanding  there  may  be 
colour  for  the  allegation.  For  undoubtedly  there  is  nothing 
in  which  men  are  less  disposed  to  question  their  fitness,  than 
in  what  regards  the  endowments  of  the  mind.  A  horse  not  ft 
hunter,  will  not  leap  a  five-bar  gate,  nor  attempt  a  ditch  of 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  157 

the  same  number  of  feet  in  width,  unless  he  is  greatly  pushed 
by  the  rider.  For  the  animal  will  have  the  sagacity  to  know 
the  distance  it  can  surmount.  But  such  is  the  sanguine 
temperament  of  the  human  mind,  that  each  one  thinks  himself 
equal  to  any  undertaking,  that  depends  on  that  quantum  of 
mind,  a  thing  which  can  neither  be  weighed  or  measured,  or 
be  perceptible  to  sight  or  touch.  Without  public  opinion, 
there  would  be  nothing  to  restrain  self-love,  or  rather  self- 
conceit,  in  this  respect.  In  many  instances  even  that  is  no 
restraint,  nor  is  universally  correct,  for  some  may  not  be 
justly  appreciated.  This  is  the  moral  of  this  book,  and  the 
object  of  setting  the  example  of  the  bog-trotter  before  the 
people  ;  not  as  what  is  universal  in  every  instance  of  a  can 
didate  for  office  ;  but  as  an  instauce  of  what  is  too  common, 
and  which  ought  to  be  avoided  rather  than  imitated.  For  be 
assured  that,  as  far  as  my  observation  goes,  it  is  not  the  way 
to  happiness,  to  court  an  advancement  by  a  rise  that  is 
unnatural,  or  to  think  of  being  respectable  by  the  mere  pos 
session  of  office,  or  delegation.  The  post  of  honour  in  such 
case,  is  rather  that  of  a  private  station.  But  it  is  experience 
only,  that,  with  an  individual,  or  with  tho  public,  can  suffi 
ciently  establish  a  conviction  of  this  truth. 

The  passions  of  men  being  always  the  same,  under  like 
circumstances,  they  will  show  the  like  ebullitions,  It  must 
be  admitted  that,  under  this  new  government,  reverses,  ai 
they  may  very  properly  be  stiled,  were  much  more  extrava 
gant.  And  if  it  is  considered  as  having  a  relation  to  what 
has  happened,  elsewhere,  or  has  actually  happened  any 
where,  it  must  appear  outre,  as  the  French  style  it,  and  be 
yond  the  life.  The  extravagance  of  the  caricature  is  only  to 
render  the  truth  more  striking.  There  is  a  likeness  and  ^ 
better  likeness;  a  resemblance  and  an  exact  picture.  But 
a  caricature  is  not  to  come  under  the  rules  of  painting  from 
the  life,  or  to  the  life  ;  but  on  the  contrary,  of  giving  you  to 
know  what  is  intended  ;  but  at  the  same  time  showing  you 
something  different  from  the  thing  itself:  in  other  wordi, 
vol.  4  13* 


158 


MODERN    CH1VALRV, 


suppressing  the  beauties,  andgiving  the  faults.  For,  where 
the  graces  and  deformities  are  mixed  in  the  object,  you  are 
apt  to  fall  in  love  with  the  deformities,  for  the  sake  of  the 
graces.  The  use,  therefore,  of  the  caricature,  is  to  put  the 
deformities  by  themselves,  that  they  may  cease  to  be  the  object 
of  imitation.  Did  any  one  ever  see  an  imitator  who  did  not 
copy  the  defects,  even  though  he  did  not  mean  to  do  it?  I 
say  nothing  of  Alexander's  courtiers  having  their  necks  awry, 
for  that  is  a  common  place  illustration.  But  it  is  with  a  view 
to  serve  future  times,  that  these  things  are  handed  down. 
The  cupidity  of  man  still  continuing  the  same,  the  like  con- 
Yulsions  at  no  distant  day  will  occur,  and  unless  well  managed 
will  terminate  in  the  overflow  of  liberty.  For  it  is  only  by 
the  permanence  of  establishments,  constituted  on  the  basis 
of  freedom  that  liberty  can  be  preserved.  And  if  constitutioas 
once  come  to  be  played  with,  like  battle-doors,  there  is  an  end 
of  stability.  Every  new  man  must  have  a  constitution  ;  for 
he  will  wish  one  to  suit  himself;  and  he  will  have  no  doubt 
but  that  he  can  make  one,  that  will  at  least  have  in  it  what 
he  wants.  Or  the  constitution  now  existing  may  be  trampled 
in  tbe  mire.  Some  popular  demagogue  may  amuse  the 
pppplp  by  yrostrntins  the  barriers  provided  for  their  own 
(security.  Uue  thing  is  certain,  that  when  our  democratic 
institutions  shall  be  overthrown,  the  people  themselves  will  be 
made  the  instruments  for  doing  it.  Some  popular  measure 
will  be  the  entering  wedge.  Instead  of  the  word  overthrow, 
I  should  rather  have  said  undermined. 

Will  there  be  any  end  to  the  projects  of  innovators,  in 
matters  of  law  and  government ;  especially  where  the  least 
informed  are  equally  entitled  to  an  opinion  with  those  of  the 
greatest  experience,  or  the  deepest  thought  ?  And  to  exclude 
any  from  the  right  of  having  an  opinion  in  public  affairs  is 
impracticable,  consistent  with  the  enjoyment  of  liberty.  The 
principle  of  the  right  must  be  acknowledged ;  what  is  more, 
it  must  be  preserved  and  cultivated.  It  is  only  by  reason,  or 


MODERN   CHIVALRY.  159 

by  ridicule,  that  what  is  oxcessiv.e  in  the  exercise  of  the  right 
and  erroneous  in  the  deductions  of  the  mistaken,  can  be 
corrected. 

In  the  propagation  of  a  new  religion,  or  in  a  new  tenet  of 
particular  faith,  what  is  moderate  will  not  be  likely  to  prevail 
in  the  opinions  of  men.  The  absurd  is  always  the  most  pop 
ular,  and  this  upon  the  principle  that  artificial  tastes  are 
stronger  than  the  natural ;  and  what  produces  the  greatest 
excitement,  is  most  pleasing  to  the  mind.  Hence  it  is,  that 
mere  morality,  and  the  dictates  of  nature  and  truth,  in  the 
conduct  of  men,  are  undervalued,  in  comparison  of  the  dog 
mata  of  those  faiths  which,  are  fanatical,  and  which  are 
embraced  more  readily  than  the  rational.  Unintelligible 
reveries  are  better  relished  in  the  pulpit  than  just  reasoning, 
on  the  principles  of  right  and  wrong  in  the  actions  of  men  ; 
and  incomprehensible  theological  disquisitions  are  put  into 
the  hands  of  young  poople,  as  more  substantial  food  for  the 
mind  than  precepts  of  moral  truth,  which  every  step  in  life 
will  bring  into  practice  and  explain.* 

*  It  does  not  follow  because  thaauthor  rejected  religious  creeds, 
he  departed  from  every  thing  contained  in  them— he  merely 
claimed  the  right  to  make  his  own  creed,  and  put  it  in  bis  own 
words.  That  creed  was  sufficient  for  himself,  without  forcing  it 
on  any  other.  It  was  against  the  principles  and  arrogance  of  any 
man,  or  set  of  men,  setting  themselves  up  as  exclusive  interpreters 
of  the  scriptures,  against  which  he  revolted.  At  the  same  time, 
there  were  some  of  their  articles  of  faith,  which  he  positively 
rejected.  In  consequence  of  this  stand  he  brought  down  upon 
him  the  enemity  of  the  clergy,  and  this  work  is  condemned  by 
them,  in  the  same  spirit  that  Protestant  works  are  condemned 
by  the  Inquisition. 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

Consisting  of  Digrissisns. 

IT  is  a  matter  of  self-denial  in  one  not  to  introduce  more 
quotations  from  the  latter  classics ;  being  unwilling  to  incur 


160  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

the  charge  of  pedantry.  And  yet  to  myself  it  is  pleasing; 
because  I  perceive  great  beauty  in  the  turn  of  the  expression 
in  that  language  ;  but  still  more  in  the.  Greek  ;  though  I  do 
not  quote  it  because  we  have  no  printers  who  have  the  type, 
to  set  the  words  and'  it  looks  badly  in  the  common  characters.* 
As  to  French  I  never  come  to  like  the  language,  or  to  feel  the 
delicacy  of  expression  perfectly.  Nevertheless  I  am  not 
wholly  in'sensible  of  the  neatness  and  perspicuity  of  the  style 
of  some  writers  in  that  language,  in  preference  to  others,  as  of 
Voltaire,  or  Rouseau,  compared  with  the  bulk  of  these  who 
have  gone  before  them.  But  of  all  languages,  the  Greek, 
unquestionably,  with  me,  has  the  preference  ;  and  yet  it  can" 
not  be  supposed  that  I  understand  it  as  well  as  my  vernacular; 
nor  within  many  degrees  of  it ;  and  yet  I  think  it  a  thousand 
times  superior.  Pinkerton,  thinks  that  the  Greek  is  derived 
from  the  German;  and  that  the  German  is  the  original  Per 
sian  :  that  in  some  convulsion  of  the  Persian  empire,  at  an 
earlier  period  than  we  have  any  account  of,  some  portion  of 
that  people  had  emigrated,  and  passing  to  the  north,  had 
made  the  circuit  of  the  Caspian  and  Euxine  seas ;  and,  at 
length  established  themselves  in  the  heart  of  Europe.  I  can 
more  readily  conceive  the  Persian  hardening  into  the  harsh 
ness  of  the  German  sounds,  than  of  the  German  softening  into 
the  fluidity,  and  sweetness  of  the  Greek  accent;  but  that  there 
is  a  great  affinity  between  the  German,  and  the  Greek,  there 
is  no  one  who  understands  both  languages,  but  must  admit, 
But  independent  of  this,  it  is  a  proof  of  the  affinity,  that  a 
German  can  easily  learn  to  pronounce  the  Greek  gutturals  ; 
whereas  to  those  of  most  other  nations  it  is  difficult.  That 
the  Germans  used  the  Greek  alphabet  in  the  time  of  Julius 
Caesar,  appears  from  his  commentaries;  though  some  have 
attempted  to  lessen  the  evidence  of  this  by  changing  the 
words,  Grecis  literis,  into  Crassis  literis  utuntur  ;  but  clear 
it  is,  that  a  long  time  must  have  elapsed  in  the  amelioration 
of  the  German  into  Greek  ;  though  I  do  not  altogether  reject 

*  The  work  was  originally  printed  in  a  village. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  161 

the  idea  of  these  being  the  same  language  originally,  as 
Pinkerton  has  endeavored  to  prove,  both  by  the  authority  of 
writers,  and  by  an  historical  deduction  of  the  origin  of  an 
cient  nations.  I  must  acknowledge  that  until  I  had  read  his 
dissertation,  I  had  been  inclined  to  think  that  the  Germans 
had  been  a  people  distinct  from  all  others  from  the  earliest 
period  ;  for  it  is  remarkable  that,  in  the  time  of  Julius  Caesar, 
before  any  mixture  of  the  other  nations  had  intervened,  the 
colour  of  the  eye,  and  the  hair  of  all,  were  the  same ;  the 
blue  eye  and  yellow  hair — 

Cserula  quis  stupuit,  German!  lumina,  flavam 

Caesariem 

This  quotation  is  from  Juvenal,  who  puts  this  national  char 
acteristic  of  feature,  upon  the  same  footing  as  to  being  com 
mon  with  the  swelling  of  the  neck  in  Switzerland. 

Quis  tumidum  guttur  miratur  sub  alpibus. 
Which  swelling,  called  the  goitre  is  not  confined  to  the  Alps  ; 
but  is  found  at  the  foot  of  most  high  mountains ;  at  those  of 
Thibet  in  Tartary,  as  well  as  of  the  Allegheny  mountains,  on 
the  west  side  ;  for  it  is  remarkable  that  no  instance  occurs 
on  the  east. 

But  I  return  from  this  digression  to  the  subject  we  were 
upon,  the  origin  of  the  Germans,  and  the  language  of  that 
people.  I  feel  the  more  interested  in  this  disquisition,  be 
cause  the  Saxcn,  which  was  my  vernacular  tongue,  is  a  dia 
lect  of  the  ancient  German,  and  the  mother  of  the  English. 
The  dialect  that  is  spoken  by  the  common  people  in  Cumber 
land,  and  the  adjoining  county  of  Scotland,  called  the  Low 
Lands,  is  Saxon.  It  is  in  this  dialect  that  the  old  comedy  of 
Gammar  Gunter's  Needle  is  written,  which  is  the  prototype 
of  the  Gentle  Shepherd  of  Allen  Ramsey.  Many  of  the  scenes, 
that  of  Maudge  the  witch  in  particular,  are  evidently  bor 
rowed,  so  far  as  respects  the  character  of  the  personage.  I 
wonder  that  it  is  not  looked  up,  and  printed  with  the  Gentle 
Shepherd,  that  it  may  be  seen  how  nearly  they  resemble.  It 


162  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

will  be  found  in  a  collection  of  old  plays  by  Dodsley  ;  amongst 
which  the  model  of  Shakespeare's  Othello,  in  a  tragedy  by 
a  certain  Jan,  or  John  Pafre,  will  be  seen.  In  looking  over 
these,  it  will  appear  that  what  is  called  blank  versification, 
was  written  with  great  facility  before  his  time,  in.  that  fluent 
way  which  he  has  preserved,  and  which  is  the  only  way  in 
which  it  is  tolerable  to  me,  that  of  Milton  excepted.  For  the 
versification  of  neither  Thompson,  nor  Young,  do  I  greatly 
relish  ;  and  that  of  Cowper  as  little.  Congreve  comes  the 
nearest  what  I  can  bear. 

But  I  recur  to  a  consideration  of  the  language  of  nations, 
not  meaning  style  in  composition,  but  the  sounds  by  which 
ideas  are  expressed  ;  and  those  sounds  attempted  to  be  com 
municated  by  letters  of  the  alphabet;  I  say,  attempted  ;  for 
after  all  that  can  be  got  by  the  arbitrary  marks  which  we  call 
letters,  it  is  by  the  ear  alone  that  we  can  catch  the  real  sounds 
that  are  intended  ;  it  is  only  by  a  length  of  time  that  the  ear 
can  catch  a  sound,  or  the  tongue  be  brought  to  imitate  it.  It 
is  for  this  reason  that  it  is  thought  that  those  who  have  a 
taste  for  music,  and  some  facility  in  catching  a  tune  could 
most  easily  acquire  the  pronunciation  of  a  language  ;  though, 
I  have  my  doubts  of  this;  for  there  seems  to  be  no  immediate 
connection  between  the  faculty  of  singing,  and  of  speaking 
merely ;  not  that  I  will  undertake  to  say  that  softness  of  fea 
tures  and  softness  of  voice  are  not  connected ;  for  beautiful 
features  always  appear  to  have  more  delicacy  of  expression, 
than  the  homely  ;  and  a  handsome  woman  to  sing  more 
sweetly,  if  she  can  sing  at  all,  than  one  that  is  what  we  call  an 
ordinary  person  ;  whether  it  is  that  the  imagination  cheats 
the  ear,  and  what  is  merely  lovely  to  the  eye,  is  also  more 
pleasing  to  that  organ.  A  young  man  in  the  pulpit  is  thought 
to  possess  greater  powers  of  oratory  in  proportion  as  he  has 
the  advantage  of  personal  appearance.  In  fact  the  goodly 
person  has  the  advantage  before  any  audience.  Cicero  COD. 
siders  staUire,  an  advantage  to  the  orator.  A  public  speaker 
must  be  tall ;  or  have  such  powers  as  to  be  able  to  make 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  163 

those  that  hear  him  forget  that  he  is  of  a  small  stature. 
This  was  in  the  power  of  Garrick,  according  to  the  poet 
Churchhill. 

Figure,  I  own,  at  first,  may  give  offence, 
And  harshly  strike  the  eye's  too  curious  sense  ; 
But  when  perfections  of  the  mind  break  forth  ; 
Fancy's  true  fire,  and  judgment's  solid  worth  ; 
When  the  genuine  flame  by  nature  taught, 
Bursts  into  act,  and  every  word  is  thought ; 
Before  such  merit  all  objections  fly  ; 
Pritchard's  genteel,  and  Garrick  six  feet  high. 

It  strikes  me  as  very  extraordinary  that  those  whose  prov 
ince  is  speaking,  do  not  think  of  assisting  the  personal  ap 
pearance  more  by  the  article  of  dress  ;  I  mean  in  the  costume 
or  model  of  the  coat,  which  is  that  of  the  laborer,  rather  than 
of  the  gown;  I  meant  to  have  eaid  of  the  long  robe  ,  for  the 
vest  and  coat  that  sits  close  to  the  body,  and  is  short,  has  not 
the  dignity  of  a  more  loose  and  flowing  garment.  And 
hence  a  speaker  appears  better  in  what  we  call  a  surtout, 
than  in  that  which  sits  tight  to  the  body.  He  will  feel  more 
easy  in  such  a  vestment ;  though  he  must  be  careful  when  he 
turns  his  back  to  the  fire  not  to  burn  the  tail ;  but  at  the  same 
time,  it  will  not  do  to  take  it  up  in  order  to  warm  back  set 
tlements,  because  a  delicate  man  will  not  wish  to  have  it 
brought  into  view  that  he  has  them  to  warm.  For  nature 
having  antipathy  to  those  parts  has  turned  them  behind, 
which  Loginus  notices,  as  an  illustration  of  a  precept  of  good 
writing.  It  is  true  the  jockeycoat  being  slit  behind,  a  corner 
may  be  taken  up  under  each  arm;  but  the  attitude  is  un 
graceful.  A  friend  of  mine  once,  for  whom  I  had  a  great 
good  will,  introducing  his  son,  asked  my  opinion  what  he 
should  do  with  him — he  had  giveL  him  some  education,  and 
was  at  a  loss,  whether  to  put  him  to  study  law,  physic,  or  di 
vinity.  I  recommended  to  a  handycraft  employment.  But 
experiment  of  a  learned  profession  being  uselessly  made,  the 
father,  after  some  years,  wondering  at  the  sagacity  I  had 


164  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

discovered,  having  had  no  opportunity  at  the  time  I  had  given 
my  opinion,  of  knowing  any  thing  of  the  lad,  but  jast  seeing 
him  on  his  being  introduced  to  me,  enquired  on  what  ground 
I  had  formed   my  judgment ;  I  told  him  frankly,  that  I  had 
seen  at  a  glance  what  he  was  in  the  stamina  of  his  mind,  by 
the  manner  of  his  turning  his  back  to  the  fire,  and  taking  up 
his  coat  behind.      For  there  is  delicacy  of  feeling  which  al 
ways  accompanies  genius;  and  which  shows  itself  in  even 
the  smallest  particulars.  A  diligent  observer  will  find  in  what 
may  be  thought  the  most  indifferent  actions,  enough  to  indi 
cate  the  portion  of  intellect  which  has  fallen  to  the  share  of  a 
young  person.      For  as  a  great  general  at  a  coup  d'ceil,  or 
glance  of  the  eye,  can  catch  all  the  advantages  of  ground  to 
draw  up  upon,  and  manoeuvre  his  army ;  so  one  acquainted 
with  the  human  physiognomy,  and  attentive  to  the  movements 
of  the  body,  can  give  a  pretty  good  guess  whether  the  boy  is 
to  be  denominated  a  John  Bull  calf,  or  Nicholas  Bottom,  the 
weaver.       I  have  not  the  same  skill  in  the  female  character, 
and  might  be  mistaken  in   my  ideas  of  what  a  young  lady 
might  be  brought  to  be  ;  but  having  been  employed  a  good 
part  of  my  early  life  in  the  academies,  and  in  the  instruction 
of  youth,  I  had  acquired  some  degree  of  sagacity  in  distin 
guishing  the  aptitude  for  pursuits  in  life,     4nd  I  cannot  say 
that  this  has  bee  a  the  source  of  much  advantage  to  me  ;  but 
on  the  contrary,  of  much  vexation,  to  see  those  whom  nature 
intended  for    hucksters,  and  haberdashers  of  small  wares, 
pushed  forward    into  the   learned  professions,   and  calling 
themselves  lawyers,  or  affscting  to  be  politicians,  and  con 
ductors  of  the  affairs  of  government.      I  well  know  that  no 
man's  opinion  can  be  considered  as  importing  absolute  verity; 
but  so  far  as  my  opinion  will  carry  weight  with  it  I  can  say 
that  I  have  known  judicial  characters   who,  if  things  had 
taken  place  according  to  their  gravity  in  the  moral  world, 
would  have  been  at  the  bottom  of  the  stair-case ;  at  least 
would  never  have  risen  higher  than  keeping  a  shop  of  mer* 
chandise,  and  in  that  situation  might  have  boon  respectable. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY,  165 

For  far  be  it  from  me  to  undervalue  men's  occupations  under 
whatever  denomination.  It  is  the  unfitness,  the  incongruity 
of  talents  for  the  occupation,  that  I  arraign, 

Felices  agricolae,  sua  si  bona  norint. 

Happy  might  they  be  if  they  knew  their  happiness ;  that  is, 
could  they  distinguish  where  it  was  found. 

But  returning  from  this  second,  third,  or  fourth  digression 
to  the  thread  of  our  discourse.  I  take  it,  the  Basternse  were 
that  people  from  whom  the  Saxons  of  the  Weser  and  Vistula 
were  principally  descended.  For  after  their  repulse  by  the 
,Romans,  under  Augustus,  when  they  attempted  to  enter 
Thrace,  they  would  seem  to  have  pressed  upon  the  west  of 
Europe,  and  occupied  this  quarter.  The  Getae,  or  Goths, 
were  more  upon  the  Rhine  and  heads  of  the  Danube.  / 

Turner,  in  his  history  of  the  nations  which  have  emigrated 
from  beyond  the  Elb,  has  proved,  or  rendered  it  extremely 
probable,  that  a  great  country  was  lost  during  the  dark  ages, 
on  the  west  of  Europe,  of  which  Greenland  and  Iceland  are 
remains.  For  it  appears  from  the  archives  of  Denmark,  that 
from  very  ancient  time,  that  kingdom  had  colonies  in  that 
quarter  ;  and  an  intercourse  had  been  kept  up,  which  had 
been  discontinued  during  the  adumbration  of  the  north  from 
the  inundation  of  barbarous  nations.  \V  e  are  certainly  but 
little  acquainted  with  that  corner  of  the  earth  ;  the  Romans 
having  had  no  knowledge  of  it,  much  less  the  Greeks,  living 
more  remote  from  the  scene.  It  is  but  extremely  little  we 
know  of  the  earth  we  live  upon,  so  far  as  respects  mankind ; 
nor,  perhaps,  is  it  to  be  regretted ;  for  to  what  purpose  would 
it  be  to  know  more,  but  to  increase  our  knowledge  of  bloody 
battles,  or  individual  misery  ?  Would  it  not  rather  be  desir 
able  that  the  whole  remembrance  of  past  events  was  struck 
out  of  our  minds,  and  that  we  had  to  begin  a  new  series  ? 
"What  happens  every  day  now,  is  so  like  what  happened  be 
fore,  that  the  sameness  is  wearisome.  Instead  of  consuming 
so  much  time  in  acquiring  a  knowledge  of  history,  we  might 
vol.  4,  14 


166  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

employ  ourselves  in  searching  the  mountains  for  simoles,  or 
digging  for  minerals.  Chemistry  since  it  has  been  founded 
on  experiment,  and  analysis,  begins  to  be  once  more  a  fash 
ionable  study  ;  but  the  fine  arts,  music,  painting,  poetry,  and 
architecture,  occupy  so  much  of  the  time  of  the  education  for 
a  young  person,  that  there  is  not  leisure  or  space  loft  for  the 
more  useful  pursuits.  I  have  not  mentioned  statuary  ;  for 
there  are  few  amongst  us  that  handle  the  chissel  in  any  other 
way  than  as  joiners  or  carpenters*.  Carucchi  was  guillotined, 
as  being  concerned  in  constructing  what  was  called  the  infer 
nal  machine,  for  the  purpose  of  blowing  up  Bonaparte.  It  is 
astonishing  that  one  so  far  above  his  species  in  the  divine  art 
of  imitating  a  man  by  the  fabrication  of  the  hand,  should 
have  thought  of  destroying  an  original!  It  was  this  Carucchi 
that  proposed  the  representation  of  America  in  sculpture, 
wringing  the  rivers  from  her  hair.  David  the  painter  is  also 
one  of  those  wonderful  personages  ;  for  such  I  call  them,  who 
possess  the  sublime  of  genius  in  one  of  the  fine  arts,  that  of 
painting.  What  would  seem  extraordinary,  he  was  said  to 
be  one  of  the  most  bloody  of  the  revolutionary  tribunal,  at 
least  subservient  to  them.  Now  there  is  a  decency,  and  fine 
ness  of  mind,  so  to  speak,  in  such  kind  of  intellect,  that  it 
astonishes  me,  how  cruelty  can  find  its  way  to  mix  with  it. 

Is  there  reason  to  suppose  that  this  earth  is,  with  respect 
to  some  superior  order  of  beings,  but  a  bee-hive ;  and  that 
they  are  amused  looking  at  our  working?  And  is  it  imposible 
on  the  other  hand,  that  this  globe,  may  be  the  only  one  of  the 
millions  of  worlds  in  the  universe,  that  is  occupied  by  an  in 
tellectual  creature  like  man?  If  so,  what  a  sublime  station 
does  it  not  give  to  him  who  is  placed,  "a  little  below  the 
angels  I"  It  is  humiliating  enough  to  conceive  our  insignifi 
cance  in  the  first,  and  therefore  I  repel  the  idea:  but  supposing 
it  to  be  so,  it  must  be  amusing  to  them  to  see  the  same  revo 
lutions  over  again  in  the  moral  world.  The  like  abstract  no- 

*  This  was  written  forty  years   ago.      Many  eminent  artists, 
ainters  and  sculptors  have  appeared  since  that  day. 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  167 

tions  in  metaphysics  and  theology,  with  similar  experiments 
in  government.  For  it  is  true  what  the  wise  man  observers, 
"  there  is  nothing  new  under  the  sun." 

I  have  no  idea  that  the  Theogeny  of  Hesiod,  as  it  is  applied 
to  action  in  the  Iliad,  and  Odyssy  of  Homer,  and  continued 
down  in  the  ^Eneid  of  Virgil^will  be  revived  in  the  faith  of 
nations,  while  any  vestige  remains  of  the  credence.  For 
there  must  be  novelty  in  the  hypothesis  that  will  attract ; 
though  I  will  admit  that  boldness,  or  rather  extravagance  in 
the  belief,  is  most  likely  to  be  successful. 

The  preceding  dissertation  on  the  origin  of  the  languages 
of  Europe,  and  incidentally  upon  other  subjects,  may  seem 
incongruous  with  the  ludicrous  adventurers  of  Captain  Far 
rago  and  Ttague  O'Regan — did  it  not  occur  to  a  diligent  ob. 
server,  that  there  can  be  nothing  incongruous  or  inconsistent 
with  a  book  which  embraces  all  subjects,  and  is  an  encyclo 
pedia  of  the  sciences.  It  is  an  opus  magnus,  like  that  of  Roger 
Bacon,  the  father  of  the  experimental  philosophy,  to  which 
his  great  namesake  Francis  Bacon  added  the  experimental, 
which  comprehends  law,  physic,  and  divinity.  "Were  all  the 
books  in  the  world  lost,  this  would  preserve  a  germ  of  every 
art — music,  painting,  poetry,  &o.  Statuary  it  says  the  least 
about.  Nevertheless,  some  hints  are  given  that  will  serve  to 
transmit  the  reputation  of  Phidias  and  Praxiteless,  and  stimu 
late  the  efforts  of  the  chissel  upon  stone  in  generations  yet  to 
come.  Yet  disliking  egotism  and  all  appearance  of  vanity  in 
others,  I  am  unwilling  to  emblazon,  beyond  what  is  moderate, 
a  production  of  my  own.  But,  to  speak  my  mind  a  little 
freely,  leaving  the  Bible  out  of  the  question,  which,  is  a  di 
vine  book  not  to  be  compared  to  any  other  book ;  and  looking 
to  Shakspeare,  Milton,  Cervantes,  and  some  others — but, 
modesty  forbids  the  expression  of  what  was  just  then  passing 
in  my  mind. 


168  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

The  visionary  philosopher,  and  his  experiments.  A  Monkey  is 
Commissioned  Clerk  of  a  Court-  Failure  of  the  attempt. 
A  hound  is  admitted  to  the  bar,  with  no  better  success. 

IT  is  abundantly  evident  from  the  history  of  the  human 
mind,  that  the  more  extravagant  any  opinion  is,  it  is  the 
more  likely  to  prevail  in  sometimes  and  places.  This  will 
have  been  found  to  be  the  fact  in  many  theories  of  philoso 
phy,  or  systems  of  religion.  Were  there  two  such  presented 
to  me  on  any  subject,  which  comes  within  the  province  of  the 
imagination ;  the  one  rational  and  moderate,  the  other  ab 
surd  and  it  were  left  to  me  which  to  choose,  with  a  view  to 
the  speediest  propagation,  and  the  greatest  number  of  adhe 
rents,  I  would  take  the  absurd ;  for  what  merit  is  there  in 
admitting  what  nobody,  without  an  effort,  could  dispute  ? 
And  independent  of  this,  there  is  a  secret  power  in  the  un 
known,  and  incredible,  to  arrest  the  fancy  and  subdue  the 
judgment.  The  outrageous,  when  first  presented,  shocks, 
and  then  domineers  over  the  understanding.  I  would  just  as 
soon  undertake  to  persuade  the  bulk  of  mankind,  that  they 
saw  a  bull  in  the  firmament,  as  that  two  and  two  make  four, 
At  all  events,  when  I  had  once  got  such  a  thing  into  their 
heads,  as  a  buffalo  grazing  on  a  cloud,  I  would  defy  years  to 
get  it  out  again. 

Hence  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at,  if  the  idea  of  the  improv 
able  nature  of  beasts  having  got  into  the  heads  of  the  people, 
all  reasoning  with  them  was  at  an  end.  The  visionary  man 
had  made  prosolytes  to  such  an  extent,  that  the  people  insist 
ed  on  an  experiment,  by  raising  some  of  the  brute  creatures, 
at  least,  to  executive  offices.  The  clerkship  of  one  of  the 
courts  being  vacant,  great  interest  was  made  by  the  owner  of  a, 
monkey,  to  have  him  appointed.  The  Governor  was  harrassed 
by  the  application,  which  was  at  the  same  time  so  respectably 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  169 

supported,  that  he  could  not  possibly  avoid  the  nomination. 
Not  that  even  yet  he  had  the  smallest  confidence  in  his  capa 
city  of  discharging  the  duty;  but  that  he  might  save  himself 
from  the  importunity  of  the  friends  of  the  experiment.  Ac 
cordingly  the  monkey  was  appointed,  and  his  commission 
made  out  in  form.  He  had  remonstrated  against  the  solici 
tation,  representating  his  persuasion  of  the  incompetency  of 
the  animal ;  but  it  was  so  firmly  impressed  upon  the  public 
mind,  that  the  thing  deserved  a  trial,  that  he  was  obliged  to 
yield.  For  they  insisted  that,  whatever  might  be  the  incapa 
city  of  the  animal,  the  commission  would  supply  the  defect. 
Indeed  they  argued  very  plausibly  upon  this  ;  and  it  seemed 
not  to  be  without  foundation  that  they  urged,  that  it  was 
every  day  before  their  eyes,  that  persons  were  appointed  to 
office  who  were  not  qualified;  and  what  was  more,  never 
could  become  qualified  ;  and  yet  the  world  did  not  stand  stili ; 
nor  did  even  the  order  of  society,  and  the  affairs  of  men  seem 
deranged.  It  is  indiscredible  what  a  little  matter  will  go  to 
support  one  in  the  discharge  of  an  office.  Hence  it  is  not  so 
absurd  what  the  buffoon  said,  "let  the  king  give  me  a  com 
mission,  and  I  will  see  who  will  say  I  am  not  fit  for  it."  How 
ever,  in  the  present  instance,  it  was  carrying  the  jest,  or,  as 
it  ought  to  be  said,  the  experiment  too  far, 

The  monkey  did  not  make  out  even  to  save  appearances 
for  a  short  time  ;  whether  owing  to  the  mismanagement  of 
those  who  had  the  command  of  him,  or  to  his  own  incurable 
restlessness,  and  locomotive  faculty.  For  being  brought  in, 
and  placed  upon  the  table,  with  the  implements  of  writing 
before  him,  and  the  docket  to  make  entries  :  the  first  thing 
that  struck  him  was  the  basket  of  a  fruiterer  at  some  dis 
tance  ;  and  it  was  not  a  second  of  time  before  he  had  leaped 
upon  it,  and  had  a  pippin  in  his  paw.  Being  brought  back, 
and  put  to  his  desk  again,  and  desired  to  make  a  minute,  he 
deliberately  got  up  and  m  :de  water  on  the  table,  the  ink>» 
stand  being  in  the  way.  This  was  encouraging  to  the  san 
guine  ;  for  it  was  thought  he  wished  to  have  the  ink  made 
vol.  4,  14* 


170  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

thinner,  as  being  about  to  write.  But  no  appearance  of  this, 
when  the  next  bound  was  upon  the  bench,  and  the  judge's 
wig  hauled  off  his  head,  and  pulled  under  the  table.  This  was 
ruled  a  contempt  of  court,  and  pug  was  ordered  into  custody. 
It  was  with  some  difficulty  that  this  was  accomplished  ;  the 
constable  and  sheriff  exerting  themselves  to  take  him,  but  his 
leaps  were  so  nimble,  that  it  was  not  till  after  a  considerable 
time,  with  the  assistance  of  the  whole  bar,  and  the  suiters  of 
the  court,  that  they  could  lay  their  hands  upon  him.  In 
fact,  it  was  not  until  some  of  them  had  their  sticks  upon 
him,  and  knocked  him  down,  that  they  were  able  to  entangle 
him  in  such  a  manner  as  to  overcome  his  cantrips,  and  get 
him  in  a  bag,  as  you  would  a  cat,  in  order  to  prevent  him 
from  scratching. 

Who  could  have  thought  that  such  a  practical  experiment 
would  not  have  reduced  the  falsity  of  the  hypothesis  of  the 
improbability  of  beasts  to  the  extent  alleged  by  some,  to  an 
evident  demonstration  ?  And  yet  so  ingenious  is  the  pride 
of  the  mind,  to  supportjthe  error  which  it  has  once  patronized, 
that  some  did  not  even  yet  submit  to  reason  and  common 
sense.  They  averred  a  want  of  candor  in  the  court  and  bar  to 
have  the  experiment  fairly  made,  alleging  the  craft  of  the 
profession  :  that  pug  could  not  have  had  fair  play  in  the  trial ; 
that  he  must  have  been  pinched  in  the  tail,  or  in  some  other 
way,  rendered  unmanagable.  For,  that  of  himself,  he  never 
could  have  shown  sueh  unwillingness  to  discharge  the  duties 
of  his  office  ;  more  especially,  as  by  showing  him  apples  and 
nuts  at  a  distance,  it  was  a  hint  to  him  what  he  might  expect 
in  the  way  of  fees,  provided  that  his  capacity,  and  his  dili 
gence,  was  found  to  equal  the  hopes  his  friends  had  entertain 
ed  of  him. 

But,  whether  the  experiment,  in  making  a  monkey  a  pro- 
thonotary,  or  clerk  of  the  court,  was  baffled  by  the  utter 
incapacity  of  the  animal  himself,  or  by  the  intrigue  of  the 
profession,  and  the  court  frowning  on  it,  the  practicability  of 
making  more  out  of  the  brute  creation,  than  had  ever  yet  been 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  171 

done,  was  not  wholly  given  up.  It  was  determined  to  make 
an  experiment  of  what  might  be  done,  in  bringing  for 
ward  some  of  them  into  the  profession  itself;  and  with  a 
view  to  this,  choice  was  made  of  the  more  noisy  of  the  dumb 
creature,  a  dog.  For  though  this  beast  comes  under  the 
denomination  of  dumb,  yet  it  is  no  uncommon  thing  to  com 
pare  a  lawyer  to  him,  or  him  to  a  lawyer  ;  and  though  we  say 
a  dumb  dog,  yet  I  have  heard  a  lawyer  called  an  impudent 
dog  ;  and  there  are  many  who  are  said  to  bark,  rather  than 
to  argue  a  cause  like  a  rational  creature. 

The  leaning  of  the  court  was  much  against  the  admitting  a 
hound  to  the  bar.  But  the  people  out  of  doors  and  those  of 
the  circumstandibus  amid  curice,*  or  by-standers,  would  insist 
upon  it.  The  court  said,  they  would  not  be  understood  to 
entertain  a  doubt  of  the  capacity,  in  such  advocates,  at  least 
so  far  as  respected  the  making  motions ;  but  they  were  appre 
hensive  of  disorderly  behaviour ;  not  so  much  as  to  side  bar 
conversation,  and  sitting  on  their  hinder  parts  and  looking 
up  to  bark,  as  to  their  movements  to  and  fro,  and  leaping 
upon  the  bench:  in  which  case  it  would  not  be  much  less 
difficult  to  keep  them  to  their  plices,  than  it  had  been  in  the 
case^of  the  monkey,  whom  they  had  all^seen  could  not  be  kept 
to  order.  As  to  the  keeping  to  the  point  in  their  discourses, 
of  that  there  was  not  so  much  matter;  for  it  was  not  always 
easy  to  see  what  was  the  point  that  was  made,  and  to  which 
it  became  necessary  to  stick.  Was  there  no  danger  that, 
instead  of  confining  themselves  to  a  wrangle,  they  would 
actually  wage  war,  and  interchange  bites  in  the  course  of 
their  altercation  ?  Wager  of  battle  did  not  exist  as  a  mode 
of  trial;  and  therefore  fighting  like  dogs  was  not  known  in 
judicial  proceedings,  though  the  quarrels  of  counsel  did 
sometimes  approach  a  little  towards  it. 

*  It  is  curious  to  observe  how  primitive  customs  are  retained,  as 
in  this  privilege  of  the  by-standers  to  address  the  court.  But  it 
may  be  said  that  this  privilege  is  confined  to  members  of  the 
bar  !  I  rather  think  it  is  not. 


172  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

On  all  these  considerations,  the  court  would  have  been 
willing  to  have  confined  the  construction  of  tho  constitution, 
that  "araan  shall  be  heard  by  himself  and  his  counsel/7  to  the 
being  heard  by  himself,  or  some  animal  of  his  own  species. 
Nor  was  there  any  great  reason  to  believe,  that,  though  in 
many  instances  we  see  the  more  incompetent  of  a  bar  at  the 
head  of  the  business ;  yet,  in  general,  people  will  find  out 
those  who  can  serve  them  best ;  and  it  was  not  probable 
that,  if  the  real,  natural,  and  actual  tykes  wers  admitted  to 
plead,  any  one  would  be  so  weak  as  to  employ  them  in  a 
cause  ;  it  is  true,  they  had  known  many  an  ignorant,  impu 
dent  puppy  at  the  bar  ;  and  some  good  natured  of  the  dog 
tribe,  uo  called  by  way  of  figure  and  resemblance,  even  make 
fortunes.  But  this  was  by  way  of  figure  ;  and  they  had  never 
yet  known  one  so  perfect  a  beast,  as  to  want  the  shape  of  a 
man,  to  make  his  way,  or  even  to  attempt  practice.  And  if 
no  suitor  did  employ  such  a  one,  when  admitted,  where  would 
be  his  business ;  unless  in  the  case  of  a  pauper  unable  to 
defend  himself,  whsre  the  court  might  appoint  counsel ;  which 
would  not  be  decorous  in  them  to  do,  even  in  the  case  of  a 
misdemeanor,  unless  they  had  greater  reason  to  expect  some 
thing  like  a  defence  for  the~unfortunate  accused,  than  from 
such  inexperienced  persons.  It  is  true,  that  such  appointment 
by  the  court,  as  in  the  case  of  a  horse-thief  that  every  body 
believed  guilty,  even  before  he  was  tried,  might  pass  without 
censure  ;  but  if  an  honest  pauper  was  convicted,  being  falsely 
accused,  and  this  owing  to  the  blunder  of  an  advocate  ap 
pointed  by  the  court,  the  reflection  would  fall  upon  them  ; 
for  these  reasons  they  would  be  shy  in  taking  such  nomina 
tion  upon  them ;  and  would  be  disposed  to  leave  the  dog, 
whether  what  is  called  a  feiste,  or  a  mastiff,  to  his  own  exer 
tions  to  get  himself  employed  as  he  could  ;  and  if  it  came  to 
them  to  assign  counsel  at  any  time,  they  would  select,  if  the 
younger,  yet  at  least  some  of  the  bar  more  likely  to  do  justice. 
It  was  to  no  purpose  that  these  matters  were  urged.  For 
however  weighty  the  reasons,  they  were  of  no  avail  against 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  173 

the  current  of  public  opinion  ;  whether  it  was  that  there  was 
some  as  there  was  reason  to  suspect,  who  wished  the  lawyers 
burlesqued,  and  tke  profession  made  a  subject  of  ridicule,  or 
that  the  greater  part  were  really  credulous,  which  is  more 
probable,  to  the  representation  of  philosopher. 

Hence  it  was  that,  on  the  day  appointed  for  the  experiment, 
a  great  number  attending,  and  some  of  the  most  respectable 
of  the  community  ;  two  of  the  canine  species  were  brought 
in,  and  placed  opposite  each  other,  as  adversaries  in  a  cause. 
They  were  said  to  be  dogs  of  a  good  bark,  and  had  been  pitted 
against  each  other  several  times  before  the  bringing  them  to 
court.  One  was  the  dog  of  a  butcher,  remarkably  fierce  ;  the 
other  a  mastiff,  belonging  to  a  gardner,  and  kept  to  save  his 
fruit  from  nightly  depredation.  There  could  be  no  doubt, 
but  that  they  would  take  different  sides  of  the  question,  and 
snarl,  and  grin,  and  growl  abundantly  ;  the  only  difficulty 
would  be,  the  keeping  them  apart  until  the  testimony  in  a 
cause  had  been  introduced,  and  they  were  directed  by  the 
court  to  proceed. 

This  difficulty,  as  was  foreseen,  did  actually  occur ;  for  no 
sooner  were  the  beagles  uncoupled,  than  they  actually  flew  at 
each  other,  and  had  one  another  by  the  throat.  It  was  in  vain 
that  the  judge  called  out  order,  gentlemen,  order ;  I  shall  be 
under  the  necessity  of  committing  you  for  this  irregularity  of 
proceeding;  your  behaviour  is  unbecoming  your  profession. 
The  dogs  continued  their  contest,  till  one  knocked  under  and 
howled  most  pitiouslj.  The  humanity  of  the  spectators,  some 
of  whom  were  suitors,  and  some  not,  at  length  interposed, 
and  wished  them  to  be  separated,  but  not  an  individual  of  the 
bar  gave  themselves  the  least  concern  on  the  occasion  ;  but, 
on  the  contrary,  seemed  diverted  with  it  as  a  farce,  and 
laughed  immoderately;  which  gave  great  offence  to  the  peo 
ple,  and  much  reason  to  suspect,  as  in  the  case  of  the  monkey, 
„  there  had  not  been  fair  play  in  the  experiment.  Who  could 
tell  what  spurs,  or  sharp  weapons,  there  might  have  been 
under  the  table  to  prick  and  goad  these  simple  and  unsus- 


174  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

pecting  creatures,  to  battle  f  If  Jowler,  and  Caesar,  had  actu 
ally  succeeded  in  maintaining  a  standing  at  the  bar,  it  might 
materially  have  affected  the  employing  human  bull-dogs,  to 
manage  a  controversy.  And  could  it  be  supposed  that,  having 
this  interest  at  stake,  the  profession  would  have  made  no 
exertion,  secret  or  otherwise,  to  counteract  the  introduction 
of  quadrupeds  ?  Upon  these  grounds  the  persuasion  of  the 
capacity  of  beasts  to  advocate  the  most  difficult  question  of 
law  or  fact,  was  strengthened,  rather  than  reduced,  by  the 
experiment  made;  or  if  some  did  querry  whether  all  at  once, 
they  might  be  competent  to  give  the  best  advice,  as  chamber 
counsel,  in  a  matter  of  difficulty  respecting  the  legal  tenure 
of  estates  ;  yet  no  one  hesitated  to  pronounce  his  conviction 
that  they  were  capable  of  being  good  advocates  in  a  criminal 
cause  of  assault  and  battery,  at  least ;  or  where  noise  and 
racket  went  a  great  way  to  constitute  a  good  pleader.* 

The  public  opinion  out  of  doors,  was  formed  a  good  deal 
upon  the  noise  they  had  heard.  It  was  thought  to  resemble 
that  of  lawyers  in  their  sparring.  If  some  surmise  did  get 
out,  that  in  nothing  but  yelping  did  they  resemble,  it  was  at 
tributed  to  their  not  being  of  the  genuine  breed,  fit  for  bar  ; 
that  experiment  ought  to  be  made  from  the  Norwegian  lap 
dog,  the  little  Indian  dog  of  the  South  sea,  until  they  came  to 
one  that  had  the  right  genuine  snarl.  But  all  idea  of  inca 
pacity  was  hooted  at  by  others,  who  had  taken  up  a  more 
favorable  impression,  having  been  in  the  way  of  hearing  that 
one  of  them  made  a  speech  of  an  hour  in  length ;  and  that, 
had  he  not  been  stopped  by  the  court,  he  would  have  spoken 
two  hours. 

What  did  he  say  ?  said  a  man  somewhat  incredulous. 

*  It  may  be  said  that  the  caricature  in  the  forgoing  is  carried  to 
the  extent  of  extravagance.  The  author  was  the  enemy  of  despo 
tism  whether  of  the  one,  or  the  many.  Vv  here  caprice,  folly,  and  ^ 
wantonness  of  power,  may  be  seen  in  both,  and  in  the  bitter 
leading-  to  the  despotism  of  the  one,  in  preference  to  the  tyranny 
of  the  many. 


MODERN,  CHIVALRY.  175 

I  never  can  tell  very  well,  said  the  other,  what  the  lawyers 
say. 

It  is  all  some  sort  of  jargon  to  me,  consisting  of  law  terms ; 
but  this  I  know,  if  I  had  a  cause  to  try,  I  would  leave  it  as 
soon  to  the  dog  that  I  heard  bark,  as  to  some  lawyers  that  I 
have  seen  plead  at  a  bar. 

Owing  to  these  averments,  and  promulgation  of  rumours 
all  tending  to  make  dog  pleading  popular,  it  was  not  longer 
than  the  next  week,  that  there  were  several  people  who  had 
come  into  town,  enquiring  where  the  dog  lawyers  had  their 
offices.  The  real  lawyers  were  so  enraged  that  they  knocked 
the  dogs  on  the  head,  though  of  the  profession;  but  clandestine 
ly;  for  they  were  not  without  apprehensions  of  the  resentment 
of  the  suitors,  if  the  dogacide  should  come  to  light.  The  law 
might  take  hold  of  them  also,  if  they  could  be  considered  as 
coming  under  the  description  of  reasonable  creatures,  in  the 
peace  of  the  commonwealth. 

But  there  was  no  need  of  precaution  and  secrecy ;  for  the 
whole  circumstance  relating  to  the  dogs,  and  their  appearance 
in  court,  or  the  manner  in  which  they  acquitted  themselves 
in  the  trial  of  a  cause,  was  lost  and  forgotben  in  the  introduc 
tion  of  a  wolf  and  fox  the  third  day  of  the  court;  the  wolf 
muzzled,  having  been  taken  in  a  trap.  But  to  avoid^all  insin 
uation,  or  popular  obloquy,  of  not  giving  them,  a  fair  chance, 
by  admonishing  them  before  they  began,  of  the  duty  of 
counsel,  the  rules  of  the  court  were  read  to  them,  and  it  was 
stated  what  abuses  in  the  conduct  of  attornies,  had  been 
observed,  and  which  it  behooved  them  to  avoid;  such  as 
stretching  their  heels,  puffing  their  breath,  turning  and 
twisting  in  their  seats,  or  sitting  on  the  counsel  table,  and 
talking  to  the  bench ;  holding  side-bar  conversations,  and 
looking  and  yelping  to  the  juries,  or  grinning  when  they 
thought  they  had  said  a  thing  smart.  Growling  and  grumb 
ling  when  the  point  was  given  against  them,  they  ought  not  to 
take  it  for  granted,  that  they  were  the  only  persons  who  had  a 
knowledge  of  alaw  cause,  or  tho  application,  was  notinfallible. 


176  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

"Gentlemen,  said  the  chief  justice,  you  are  entering  on  a 
profession  that,  independent  of  legal  knowledge,  for  of,  that,  we 
take  it  for  granted,  you  have  a  competent  share  requires 
in  a  practitioner  the  utmost  delicacy  of  behaviour,  both  to 
the  bar  and  to  the  bench,  as  the  surest  means  of  your  success. 
For  it  is  a  mistake  to  suppose,  that  impudence  is  the  principal 
qualification  here.  It  may  go  some  length  in  the  opinion  of 
bystanders,  to  give  them  the  impression  of  boldness;  but  if  it 
goes  no  length  with  the  court.  It  is,  on  the  contrary,  a  great 
draw-back.  Diligent  preparation  in  your  offices,  and  modest 
demeanor  at  the  bar,  is  the  most  likely  way  to  secure  confi 
dence,  and  to  conciliate  attention,  and  to  have  what  is  called 
the  ear  of  the  court.  For  when  a  person  merely  barks  the 
the  moment  he  begins,  nothing  else  being  expected,  the 
judge  lets  his  mind  go  to  pasture,  if  I  may  be  allowed  a  figure, 
that  is,  indulges  himself  in  absence  of  mind,  until  the  har 
angue  wears  near  a  close.  There  is  what  is  called  having 
the  ear  of  the  court :  for  should  you  howl  ever  so  loud,  or 
bark,  unless  there  is  a  previous  respect  founded  in  the  expec 
tation  of  what  you  are  about  to  say,  there  will  be  little 
attention  in  reality,  whatever  there  may  seem  to  be/' 

Opinion  had  been  expressed  in  the  mean  time,  on  the  talents 
of  the  respective  advocates,  according  as  one  had  argued 
favorably,  or  the  reverse  of  oue  or  the  other.  It  was  expected 
the  fox  would  show  the  most  address  in  the  management  of  a 
cause;  but  that  the  wolf  would  be  most  likely  to  carry  his 
point  by  browbeating  his  adversary,  and  the  court. 

"Gentleman,  said  the  court,  fox  and  wolf,  or  wolf  and  fox, 
whichever  of  you  it  is  that  begins  first,  and  that  will  depend 
upon  your  being  for  the  plaintiff  or  defendant — you  will  please 
to  proceed." 

The  wolf  being  unmuzzled,  and  the  fox  let  slip,  the  one  ran 
under  the  bench,  and  the  other  leaped  out  at  the  window,  the 
dogs  after  him,  which  gave  occasion  to  leave  this  matter  of 
professional  capacity  still  undetermined  ;  the  pursuit  of  the 
dogs  gmng  occasion  to  the  old  surmise  of  the  lawyers  having 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  177 

Bet  them  upon  them  to  get  rid  of  a  formidable  rival.  In  the 
hurry  scurry,  there  was  little  said  about  the  fox,  and  he  was 
supposed  to  have  made  his  escape. 

The  reprimand  that  the  chief  justice  gave  to  the  squirrels 
and  the  pigs  for  their  behaviour  in  court,  was  perhaps  the 
most  pointed  of  that  given  to  any  of  the  beasts ;  to  the  squir 
rels  for  cracking  nuts,  and  chirping  like  cockroaches,  while 
the  charge  was  delivering,  and  conversing  in  corners  with 
each  other.  To  the  pigs,  for  muoching  apples;  because  it 
was  not  only  a  trespass  against  decorum,  but  an  interruption 
to  the  argument  of  counsel,  which  could  not  be  so  well  heard. 
Mouthing  on  the  stage  is  spoken  of  as  far  from  being  agreea 
ble.  But  such  mouthing  produces  but  a  slight  tumfaction  of 
the  oral  orifice,  and  gives  a  rounding  to  the  voice, 

"  Ore  rotundo. 

But  the  mouthing  the  pipin,  or  the  peach,  distends  the  jaws 
occasionally  to  an  immeasurable  width;  and  if  one  half  the 
hemisphere  is  attempted  to  be  embraced  like  a  snake  swallow 
ing  a  toad,  the  eyes  have  an  appearance  of  starting  from  their 
sockets,  which  communicates  pain  to  the  beholder  because 
it  impresses  the  idea  that  the  actor  is  in  pain. 


JCHAPTEE    XXXI. 

The  subject  of  the  right  of  suffrage  resumed. 

I  FIND  my  thoughts  again,  as  it  were  instinctively  reverting 
to  the  subject  of  the  right  to  vote,  or  the  right  of  suffrage,  as 
it  is  called,  for  I  regard  it,  no  matter  how  it  be  named,  as  the 
foundation  of  all  our  free  institutions.  It  is  true  we  must 
yield  to  the  power  of  the  majority,  but  let  this  be  fairly 
expiessed,  and  let  the  minority,  and  every  single  citizen 
and  his  wishes,  as  far  as  practicable,  be  respected.  We  must 
not  forget  that  the  principle  of  majority,  is  the  principle  of 


178  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

power,  in  the  one  or  the  many,  may  be  abused.  King  NUMBERS 
is  almost  as  apt  to  forget,  that  all  things  which  the  King  may 
do,  are  not  lawful,  as  King  ONE,  to  believe  that  he  can  do 
no  wrong. 

A  vote  in  proportion  to  the  stake  might  seem  at  first  rea 
sonable.  But  what  is  the  stake?  Is  it  the  soil  that  one 
holds?  This  differs  in  quality  and  value.  Must  we  not  value 
the  improvements?  The  labor  put  on  it  may  be  worth  more 
than  the  soil. 

The  adscripti  glebis,  or  attachment  to  the  soil,  may  give 
some  security  against  external  enemies ;  but  what  security 
for  internal  peace,  and  equal  liberty  ?  On  the  contrary,  he 
that  has  much  will  covet  more,  and  wealth  accumulating  by 
descent  or  marriage,  until  an  aristocracy  is  established  ;  and 
this  aristocracy  leads  to  monarchy  and  tyranny,  as  well  as 
anarchy  and  licentiousness.  Put  it  on  the  footing  of  desert 
— doea  the  accumulation  of  riches  imply  virtuous  action? 
Must  he  be  considered  to  be  possessed  of  a  great  soul  who 
has  been  fortunate  ?  Is  it  not  oftener  evidence  of  a  low 
mind  to  have  acquired  riches  ?  I  say  oftener,  because  I  ad 
mit  that  it  is  not  a  general  rule  ;  for  the  honestly  diligent 
and  industrious,  as  well  as  the  usurer,  and  miser,  may  become 
rich.  Has  the  dictum  of  philosophers  passed  for  truth,  thai 
there  is  nothing  great  to  despise  which  is  great;  and  shall 
mere  wealth  in  a  commonwealth  be  accounted  great,  and 
entitling  to  honor  and  privilege  ?  But  the  presumption  is, 
that  a  man  who  is  thrifty  in  his  own  affairs  will  not  be  likely 
to  adopt  wise  measures  in  the  affairs  of  the  republic.  I  will 
admit  that  a  presumption  lies  against  him  who  has  no  prop 
erty,  that  he  might  have  had  it,  if  he  had  been  industrious 
or  prudent.  Yet  the  moralist  truly  says,  that  "  riches  are 
not  to  men  of  understanding."  That  is — not  always  so.  I 
lay  it  down  in  general,  that  a  moderate  degree  of  wealth  is 
11  to  men  of  understanding."  But  there  are  exceptions  that 
defy  chance  and  time.  A  special  providence,  or  chance,  if 
you  would  choose  to  have  it  so,  has  something  to  do  in  the 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  170 

affairs  of  men.  "  He  that  is  born  to  the  plack,  will  nev 
er  win  the  babee,"  is  a  proverb  in  the  old  Saxon  language. 
But  I  hold  that  in  general,  the  fact  is  that  "  the  hand  of  the 
diligent  maketh  rich/1  and  a  man  that  is  faithful  in  his  own 
affairs,  affords  a  reasonable  presumption,  that  he  will  be 
faithful  in  the  affairs  of  the  public.  But  selfishness,  and  the 
disregard  of  the  public,  are  symptoms  of  a  groveling  mind. 
And  there  are  heroic  souls,  that  seem  born  not  for  themselves, 
but  for  the  country;  and  there  is  a  Latin  maxim,  "  non  nobis 
metipsis,  nascimur;"  we  are  not  born  for  ourselves  alone. 

There  was  a  poor  man,  and  yet  that  "  poor  man  saved  the 
city."  The  true  principle  is  to  give  weight  and  importance  to 
the  individual,  instead  of  being  regarded  as  a  particle  in  the 
concrete  mass,  he  is  indirectly  absorbed  and  annihilated  by 
it.  The  first  is  the  work  of  democracy,  where  every  citizen  is 
a  sovereign.  In  a  monarchy  the  individual  is  cheap,  with  a 
few  exceptions.  Democracy  rates  him  at  a  higher,  and  dis 
tinct  value.  You  cannot  exclude  the  unestated  man  without, 
at  the  same  time,  excluding  the  wise  and  the  virtuous  that 
are  without  estates.  There  can  be  no  good  enjoyed  without 
an  alloy  of  evil.  Liberty  of  the  tongue,  liberty  of  the  press, 
or  any  other  species  of  liberty  and  equality,  will  have  its 
drawbacks.  Ic  is  doubtless  a  great  evil  that  Tag-rag  and 
Bob  tail,  and  who  are  so  by  their  own  indolence  or  profligacy, 
should  come  to  the  polls  with  an  equal  voice  in  the  construc 
tion  of  the  government,  with  those  who  have  a  greater  stake 
in  matters  of  property ;  but  it  cannot  be  avoided  without 
losing  the  principle  that  money  is  not  virtue.  If  you  carry  it 
out  that  property  must  be  represented  according  to  property, 
the  voter  must  have  votes  in  proportion  as  he  is  wealthy  • 
and  wealth  in  soil  only  cannot  be  regarded.  The  establish 
ment  of  manufactures,  the  encouragement  of  commerce, 
would  oppose  this.  If  he  that  is  without  property  of  any 
kind  can  have  no  vote,  he  that  has  much  must  have  many ; 
and  this  brings  it  to  an  inequality  of  votes,  will  which  require 
continual  census  to  regulate  the  number.  If  paying  tax  is 


180  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

a  criterion,  he  that  pays  more  tax  ought  to  have  more  votes. 
I  see  nothing  simple  and  like  truth  in  the  matter,  and  ap 
proaching  the  practicable,  but  that  the  poll  should  poll 
and  every  one  that  brings  a  scout  of  full  age  to  the  election 
ground,  should  have  a  vote.  Indigence  is  in  its  nature,  de 
pendent,  and  will  rally  round  those  of  standing  in  society, 
from  their  degree  of  independence ;  and  the  votes  being 
thus  amalgamated,  -will  balance  parties  in  a  commonwealth. 
A  government  of  liberty*  is  the  most  delicate  of  all  struc 
tures,  and  there  is  no  preserving  it,  if  the  love  of  money  is 
encouraged,  and  made  the  chief  evidence  of  patriotism.  If  a 
difference  in  suffrage  could  be  made,  I  would  make  it  in 
favor  of  those  who  have  invented  useful  arts,  and  made  dis 
coveries  in  mechanics ;  or  who  have,  in  fact,  in  some  way 
benefited  society.  There  would  seem  nothing  unreasonable 
in  indulging  him  with  privileges  who  had  brought  up  a  large 
family  of  children  ;  or  introduced  a  new  breed  of  cattle  ;  or 
grown  a  better  sort  of  grass.  But  a  usurer,^ grinding  the  face 
of  the  poor,  or  one  enjoying  rents  from  the  lands  that  his 
ancestor  has  left  him,  cannot  be  said  to  deserve  well  of  his 
country,  for  these  cuts  or  accidents.  The  New  England  man 
that  comes  with  his  machine,  for  which  he  has  obtained  a 
patent,  is  of  peculiar  respectability  compared  with  such.  I 
say  New  England,  because  that  part  of  the  United  States 
States  has  been  most  fruitful  in  inventions,  from  Phipps,  of 
Massachusetts,  who  invented  the  diving  bell,  down  to  the 
present  time.  Whether  it  is  that  poverty  has  produced  the 
necessity  of  recurring  to  their  wits,  having  a  greater  stock  of 
population,  and  the  means  of  livelihood  being  less  within  their 
reach — Ingenii  largitor  venter—  or  whether  it  is  in  the  soil,  or 
the  air,  and  water  of  the  climate ;  for  natural,  as  well  as  moral 
causes  may  produce  this  difference  in  the  capacities  of  men. 

*  The  abolishing  entails,  and  the  equal  distribution  of  estates, 
among  all  the  heirs  in  equal  degree,  has  the  effect  of  a  gradual  ag- 
grarian  law,  and  prevents  the  accumulation  of  estates  in  families. 
They  can  seldom  bepreserved  beyond  the  second  or  third  generation 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


18! 


I  can  see  no  reason  in  giving  a  field  a  vote,  much  less  a 
piece  of  wood  land ;  nor  one  to  the  owner  of  beasts  in  pro 
portion  to  his  stock ;  unless  those  beasts  could  speak  and 
give  a  viva  voce  vote.  But  to  return  ;  it  seems  to  me  that  the 
ancients,  and  some  of  the  moderns,  have  carried  the  fiction 
beyond  all  probability,  that  of  beasts  speaking ;  because  a 
dialogue  of  this  kind  exists  but  in  books  of  fables.  It  is 
much  more  within  bounds,  to  put  at  least  for  one  of  the 
speakers,  a  person  that  can  speak.  Thjs  we  have  done,  and 
have  not  put  a  syllable  into  the  mouth  of  any  of  the  beasts.  It 
is  the  man  that  we  make  speak ;  the  beast  only  listens.  Yet 
it  is  ten  to  one  but  some  will  call  out  against  the  going  even 
so  far,  as  to  represent  beasts  listening  ;  because  it  is  to  mu 
sic,  only,  that  they  have  heretofore  been  mado  to  listen,  which 
is  not  so  extravagant  as  beasts  speaking,  and  men  listening. 
The  instances  of  beasts  actually  speaking  are  so  few ;  in 
fact  there  it  not  a  single  instance  within  my  knowledge:  so 
that  I  thought  it  the  more  prudent  part,  in  order  to  avoid  the 
having  the  truth  of  my  history  called  in  question,  to  confine 
them  to  listening  altogether.  What  these  beasts  would  have 
said,  had  they  spoken,  every  one  may  imagine  for  himself.  In 
this  case,  there  is  less  danger  of  giving  offence,  every  one 
having  it  in  his  power,  to  mould  his  sentiments,  a  son  gre, 
or  according  to  his  own  mind. 

But  had  I  been  so  inclined,  how  could  I  have  made  them 
speak?  For  just  as  they  were  going  to  open  a  mouth,  or  at 
least  as  the  occasion  had  arrived  when  it  would  have  been 
proper  to  have  done  it,  the  dogs  were  set  upon  them,  or  the 
dogs  did  set  upon  them.  For  this  would  appear  to  be  the 
safer  expression,  as  the  bar  assert  that  they  as  a  profession, 
whatever  some  individuals  might  have  done,  had  nothing  to 
do  with  it. 

It  has  been  stated  that  the  proper  articulately  speaking 
beasts  have  not  been  selected  upon.  It  is  sufficient  answer 
to  this,  that  we  had  not  the  choosing  them  ;  or,  if  we  had, 
can  it  be  said  that  all  beasts  are  not  equally  made  to  speak  ? 


182  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

that  is,  are  represented  equally  capable  of  speaking,  in  the 
history  of  Reynard  the  Fox?  Among  the  Jews,  the  ass 
seems  to  have  been  the  principal  speaker ;  and  though  an 
ass  at  the  bar,  or  on  the  bench,  either,  would  be  no  new 
thing ;  yet  vulgar  opinion  is  against  it ;  and  if  an  ass  had 
been  introduced,  the  force  of  prejudice  is  such,  that  any  dis 
appointment  that  might  have  occurred,  would  have  been  at 
tributed  to  the  choice  made.  Amongst  the  Romans,  the 
feathered  creation  seem  to  have  been  the  most  loquacious,  as 
they  are  to  this  day,  in  their  own  way. 

"  Annosa  ab  ilice  cornix." 

But  a  prejudice  also  exists  in  modern  times  against  fowls 
articulating :  they  are  said  to  chatter,  as,  for  instance,  the 
magpie. 

Orinithologists  are  not  so  attentive  as  they  ought  to  be  in 
the  language  of  birds.     The  plumage  seems  to  be  most  their 
object  in  delineation  ;  and  it  must  be  acknowledged,  that  it 
is  in  the  article  of  fine  feathers,  like  some  fine  ladies  that  I 
have  known,  that  they  are  most  distinguished ;  red,  green, 
blue,  vermilion,  and  all  other  colors  of  the  rain-bow.     It  is 
in  this  point  of  view  that  I  take  the  liberty  of  recommending 
the  Ornithology  of  Wilson,  lately  published  in  Philadelphia) 
with  fine  drawings  of  our  American  birds:  and  which  every 
man  that  can  afford  it,  ought  to  encourage  by  his  subscription. 
Not  that  he  makes   them  say  any  thing,    human ;    but  he 
gives  a  clear  and  full  note  of  their  notes  under  the  figure  of 
each  bird;  thig,  though  perhaps  not  so  useful,  is  at  least  as 
amusing,  as  a  dissertation  showing  to  which  of  the  articula 
tions  of  the  human  species,  they  approach  nearest  in  their  re 
spective  sounds:  Arabic,   Samaritan,  Shawnese,    or  Creek. 
The  language  of  beasts  and  birds  has  been  much  studied  by  the 
Orientalists :  but  none  of  them  have  given  us  a  vocabulary, 
much  less  a  dictionary,  of  any  of  those  multitudinous  dialects 
which  exist  amongst  them.     And  yet  in  their  tales  of  the 
genii,  and  other   comp  ilations,  we  have  abundance  of  the 


MODERN     CHIVLARY.  183 

conversation  of  the  inhabitants  of  the  air ;  which  proves 
that  the  people  of  the  east  must  be  a  good  deal  in  the  habit 
hearing  birds  converse.  The  story  of  Mahomet's  pigeons,  I 
take  to  be  fiction  of  the  monkish  writers ;  but  we  have  it  in 
the  scripture,  if  it  is  not  in  a  figure,  and  a  strong  way  of 
expressing  what  is  meant,  "  Curse  not  the  thing  ;  no,  not  in 
thy  thought,  and  curse  not  the  rich  in  thy  bed-chambers  for 
a  Urd  of  the  air  shall  carry  the  voice  ;  and  that  which  hath 
wings,  shall  tell  the  matter."  Henco  the  language  of  mothers 
to  their  children  when  they  mean  to  say  that  they  have  got 
the  information  from  a  source  which  they  do  not  mean  to 
explain,  "  a  little  bird  told  me  of  it." 

It  will  be  said  that  in  all  this  ribaldry  of  beasts  and  birds 
speaking,  I  have  it  ia  view  to  burlesque  lawyers  ;  not  at  all. 
I  have  no  such  vulgar  prejudice  against  lawyers,  as  some 
people  have  ;  there  are  good  and  bad  of  them  as  of  other 
professions.  And  this  I  will  say,  that  of  all  professions,  it 
cannot  be  but  that  the  study  and  practice  of  the  law,  leads 
most  to  discern  the  value  of  honesty ,  for  the  study  consists 
in  tracing  the  rules  of  justice,  and  the  practice  in  the  appli 
cation  of  them.  It  is  the  man  that  is  no  lawyer,  but  calls 
himself  so,  that  is  the  knave.  The  nature  of  the  law  is  liberal ; 
and  gives  understanding;  and  wherever  there  is  sound  sense, 
there  will  be  honesty.  But  I  have  such  a  contempt  of  chat 
tering  in  speech,  and  bluster  and  bullying  in  manners ;  and 
of  quibbling,  and  catching  in  practice  where  it  occurs,  that  I 
feel  no  compunction  in  designating  it  under  the  masque  of 
irrational  noises,  or  quadrupedal  affections. 


184  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 

Conversation  between  the  Governor  and  the  visionary  Philoso 
pher.     The  manufacture  of  public  opinion. 

WHEN  I  speak  of  the  visionary  philosopher,  I  do  not  mean 

him  that  had 

"  Read  Alexander  Ross  over ;" 

but  one  who  had  seen  the  great  Stewart,*  who  delivered 
lectures  in  this  country,  on  the  perfectibility  of  man,  and 

*  Who  the  great  Stewart  was  we  are  unable  to  say — but 
presume  that  allusion  is  made  to  some  itinerant  lecturer — some 
plausible  imposter  of  the  day — we  have  them  at  the  present  time, 
who  surpass  in  folly  and  extravagance,  all  that  have  gone  before. 
"  Vote  yourself  a  farm,"  is  the  cry  of  the  aggrariari.  •'  Equal 
rights  and  equal  property,"  is  the  cry  of  the  radical.  It  is  pro 
posed  that  land,  after  the  life  time  of  the  holder,  shall  return  to 
the  State,  to  be  distributed  "  to  the  most  worthy."  The  Irish 
tenure  of  tanistry,  "  the  most  worthy,"  was  the  greatest  ruffian. 
It  would  be  difficult  lo  equal  the  absurdity  of  the  following 
passage  of  an  address  by  a  person  by  the  name  of  S.  C.  Bishop, 
one  of  those  reformers,  "I  would  return  the  land  to  its  original 
destination,  that  is  to  say  what  it  was  and  ought  to  be,  the  com 
mon  property  of  all  God's  People,  the  rents  belonging  to  the 
nation,  and  every  man  having  as  good  a  right  to  rent  a  part  from 
the  State,  as  any  other  man.''  How  does  it  appear  that  the  land 
originally  belonged  to  the  State  ?  And  if  it  belongs  to  the  State, 
now  can  it  be  the  common  property  of  all  God's  people,  as  the 
air  is  the  common  property  of  fowls,  or  the  sea  of  the  u'sh  ?  And 
why  pay  rent  for  it  to  the  State  ?  And  what  is  the  State  ?  Or  if  ail 
have  an  equal  right  to  rent  any  part,  who  is  to  decide  when  there 
happens  to  be  a  competition  of  several  for  the  same  part  1  Others 
even  maintain  that  property  is  robbery — that  it  must  have  been 
stolen  from  somebody.  Such  are  the  endless  absurdities  of  the 
vain  creatures,  who,  iike  the  visionary  philosopher,  think  that 
every  thing  is  Jvrong  in  the  moral  and  natural  world  ;  that  they 
are  wiser  than  the  Deity,  and  wiser  than  all  former  generations 
of  men,  ^that  if  everything  could  only  be  pulled  down,  and  let 
them  build  up,  perfection  would  necessarily  follow.  It  is  jrnpos- 
sible  to  reason  with  these  conceited  fools — they  can  only  be 
rejicked  by  ridicule. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  185 

this  student,  or  disciple  had  been  disposed  to  carry  the  mat 
ter  farther,  and  discuss  the  perfectibility  of  beasts. 

It  is  impracticable,  said  the  Governor.  Instinct  has  but 
narrow  limits  ;  and  it  is  not  improvable,  as  is  human  reason. 
However  sagacious  a  fox  may  be,  in  eluding  hounds  and 
catching  poultry,  the  distinction  is  immense  in  the  nature  of 
the  intellect.  I  hope  you  would  not  think  of  extending  the 
right  of  suffrage  to  these.  There  is  no  incorporating  wild 
cats  and  jack-daws  in  the  community.  We  have  enough  to 
do  with  men  that  have  the  shape  of  Christians,  let  alone 
opossums  and  jack-alls,  and  bears  of  the  forest  that  have 
no  reflection  ;  or  if  they  could  reflect,  would  their  keepers 
permit  suck  intercourse  with  peaceable  inhabitants,  as  to 
render  the  interchange  of  civilities  safe  and  convenient  ?  In 
point  of  capacity,  they  would  be  deficient,  and  unqualified 
even  for  the  ministerial  offices  of  government.  But  as  to 
those  duties  or  professions  which  require  some  discrimination 
of  meum  and  tuum,  they  must  ever  remain  totally  incompetent. 
1  What,  said  the  philosopher,  persisting  in  his  theory,  have 
you  not  heard  it  said,  that  judge  this,  or  judge  that,  is  an  ass, 
that  another  is  an  old  horse,  and  of  even  a  juris-consult,  or 
barrister,  for  instance,  that  he  is  a  panther  or  a  bear,  espe 
cially  when  he  is  hard  upon  a  witness  in  his  cross-examination? 
Might  it  not  be  practicable  to  bring  a  brute  or  beast  to  be 
even  capable  of  filling  an  office  of  trust  or  honour  ? 

I  grant  that  a  judge,  figuratively,  said  the  governor,  may 
be  a  horse  or  a  buffalo,  or  an  ass  ;  or  that  a  counselor  may 
somewhat  resemble  the  ferocity  of  a  tiger  at  the  bar.  But 
that  these  animals,  stript  of  all  figure,  and  colouring  of 
speech,  should  in  reality,  and  in  prepria  persona,  be  put 
upon  the  bench,  or  licensed  to  plead,  would  be  more  than  I 
am  prepared  to  think  advisable. 

You  are  not  aware  of  the  hypothesis  of  Darwin,  said  the 
philosopher,  that  a  man  may  have  been  originally  a  cray 
fish,  or  a  flying  squirrel ;  or  of  Monbeddo,  who  thought  men 
originally  had  tails. 


186  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

I  am  not,  said  the  Governor,  And  though  I  do  hot  know 
that  the  Lord  spoke  all  things  to  Moses  that  he  is  said  to 
have  spoken ;  for  there  may  have  been  some  mistakes  in 
the  translation  from  the  Hebrew,  as  in  other  versions  ;  yet 
there  seems  to  me  more  probability  in  the  cosmogony  of  the 
Hebrew  writer,  than  in  the  reveries  of  Darwin  in  his  Temple 
of  Nature,  or  his  Zoonomia.  And  even  suppose  the  brutal 
to  be  capable  of  amelioration  from  one  nature  to  another* 
until  it  reaches  the  human,  it  would  seem  to  me,  that  its 
rights  should  keep  pace  only  with  the  improvement  of  its 
forms;  and  that  we^hould  wait  until  the  elephant  comes  to 
sit  upon  his  own  end,  and  cease  to  go  upon  all  fours,  before 
we  think  of  introducing  even  the  noblest  of  animals,  in  point 
of  intellect,  into  a  participation  of  civil  institutions.  The 
swinish  multitude  are  spoken  of  as  having  a  right  to  vote  ; 
but  that  also  is  figurative,  and  it  is  not  meant  that  a  pig  can 
be  actually  admitted  at  the  hustings  to  give  in  a  ticket : 
much  less  than  a  wolf,  just  taken  up  in  a  trap,  should  be 
made  a  justice  of  the  peace,  or  an  alderman. 

What,  said  the  philosopher,  has  there  not  been  a  time 
when  beasts  spoke  ? 

"  Pecudesque  locutce," 

"  Annosa  ab  illice  cornix," 

added  the  Latin  schoolmaster,  who  had  just  joined  the  con 
versation. 

It  is  fabalous,  said  the  Governor,  I  have  seen  what  is  call 
ed  the  history  of  Keynard  the  Fox ;  and  what  beasts  were 
when  under  the  monarchy,  where  the  lion  was  king  ;  and  I 
think  a  good  book  might  be  written,  called  the  Republic  of 
Beasts,  portraying  the  cabals  of  men,  and  their  contentions 
in  a  free  government.  But  to  constitute  a  republic,  in  reality, 
of  the  four-footed  creation,  would  be  carrying  matters  a  step 
farther  than  has  ever  yet  been  attempted.  In  that  case  I 
acknowledge  we  would  have  no  occasion  for  the  common 
law  ;  nor  tribunals  or  forms  of  administering  justice  :  jury 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  18? 

trial  might  be  abolished  ;  for  scratching  and  scrambling 
would  be  the  -way  of  every  one. 

Blackstone  has  a  chapter,  said  the  blind  lawyer,  "  on  the 
redress  of  private  wrong,  by  the  mere  act  of  parties." 

That  would  make  shorter  work  than  even  an  arbitration, 
said  a  bystander. 

But,  said  the  Governor,  to  speak  seriously,  though  it  may 
cause  a  wise  man  indignation  to  see  incapacity  in  office,  which 
will  always  be  the  case  in  any  government,  and  perhaps  not 
more  in  a  republic  than \  any  other;  nay,  I  incline  to  think 
less  so,  which  it  behooves  me  to  say,  who  am  honoured  with 
one,  under  that  kind  of  constitution,  yet  I  am  opposed  to  the 
extreme  of  universal  suffrage,  to  all  the  "  denizens  of  the  for 
est,"  as  some  are  pleased  to  style  them,  and  which  phrase  may 
have  misled  the  philosopher  to  think  them  capable  of  being 
denizens  amongst  men.  But  if  you  think  the  experiment 
worth  making,  let  a  number  be  collected,  and  go  into  the 
measure  with  caution  and  deliberation.  You  will  see  what 
a  conflict  will  take  place,  and  what  a  warring  there  will 
soon  be 

"  Mugitusque  bourn, 

Exaudire  leones," 

exclaimed  the  Latin  schoolmaster. 

Plase  your  honours,  said  Teague  O'Kegan,  who  was  listen 
ing,  a  shape  will  be  de  safest  baste  to  halter  first,  and  try  in 
de  plough  o'  de  commonwealth.  If  de  pretty  baste  can  say 
ba,  in  the  congress  o7  de  nation,  dey  cannot  say  dat  it  is  de 
ass  dat  spake. 

There  may  be  a  prettier,  but  there  cannot  be  a  greater 
beast  than  yourself,  Teague  O'Regan,  said  some  one  in  the 
crowd ;  and  yet  we  have  heard  of  your  getting  an  office ; 
what  is  more,  we  see  you  in  one,  not  just  on  the  bench,  as 
in  a  neighbouring  state,  but  in  an  office,  though  executive. 

It  is,  said  one,  our  new  Governor,  who  opposes  the 
innovation  of  giving  horned  cattle  a  vote,  who  proposed  you 


188  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

for  congress,  and  would  have  had  no  objection  to  have  seen 
you  President  of  the  Union. 

That  is  not  the  fact,  said  the  Governor  ;  I  did  object  to  it, 
but  I  was  overruled,  and  induced  to  let  the  experiment  be 
made ;  but  I  never  did  approve  of  such  an  extraordinary 
advancement;  though  were  I  to  be  guided  by  what  I  see 
here,  I  might  not  think  the  presumption  so  preposterous. 
How  much  better  are  many  of  you  that  are  in  office,  than 
Teague  O'Kegan  ? 

The  visionary  philosopher  having  taken  wind,  went  on. 
Why  need  Cyrano  de  Berjerac  have  gone  to  the  moon,  said 
he,  to  see  monkeys  and  baboons  in  the  capacities  of  waiting 
men,  if  we  had  been  supplied  with  domestics  of  that  de 
scription  here  ?  And  why  limit  our  experiments  to  what 
may  be  made  of  men  ?  The  perfectibility  of  human  nature, 
no  one  can  doubt,  who  has  heard  the  lectures  of  Stewart,  the 
pedestrian,  who  was  in  this  country  some  years  ago.  And 
why  not  the  perfectibility  of  animals  that  are  not  human  ? 
I  have  heard  a  man  called  a  calf,  a  sheep,  a  hog,  a  goose, 
and  why  not,  one  day,'  hear  these  called  man  ?  And  to  ac 
complish  this,  I  would  admit^thenvto  the  elective  franchise  ; 
at  least  all  above  a  certain  age,  and  who  have  come  to  the 
years  of  discretion. 

Years  of  discretion  !  said  the  Governor.  Did  you  ever  hear 
of  a  beast  coming  to  the  years  of  discretion  ?  Did  you  ever 
hear  of  a  beast  having  common  sense  ?  Instinct  is  not  com 
mon  sense ;  for  common  sense  is  that  degree  of  understand 
ing,  that  portion  of  intellect,  which  is  generally  distributed 
to  the  human  species.  Where  the  capacity  is  any  way  dis 
tinguished,  we  call  it  talent;  but  where  that  portion  of  judg 
ment,  which  enables  us  to  judge  with  reasonable  correctness, 
on  common  subjects,  is  given,  we  call  it  common  sense.  A 
man  may  be  a  scholar,  a  lawyer,  a  judge  ;  that  is,  may  have 
the  reputation  of  a  scholar,  and  may  have  the  commission  of 
a  judge,  and  yet  want  common  sense  ;  by  which  I  mean 
sense  in  common  things.  For  knowledge  of  abstract  rules 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  189 

may  go  some  length  to  make  a  man  of  science  ;  but  common 
sense  is  judgment  in  the  application  of  rules.  It  is  the  com 
paring  things  ;  and  hence  it  is  that  I  do  not  think  this  phi^ 
losopher,  though  he  may  surpass  the  magii  of  Babylon  in  a 
knowledge  of  the  stars,  can  have  common  sense,  in  urging 
this  matter  upon  a  young  people,  just  beginning  a  new  gov 
ernment.  What  would  you  do  with  a  horse  upon  a  bench  ; 
to  eat  hay,  and  dung  on  it ;  a  monkey  a  prothonotary,  to 
crack  nuts,  and  be  restless  ;  an  ass  to  quote  British  precedents, 
and  to  say,  my  lord  has  said  this,  and  my  lord  has  said  that ; 
if  indeed  he  could  say  anything,  and  not  rather  bray  what 
he  had  to  say  ?  We  have  dunces  enough  of  our  breed  to  be 
doing  with  a  while  yet.  Why  enlarge  the  sphere  of  stupidity  ? 
A  pretty  bar  we  would  have  of  it  in  point  of  order,  if  elks 
and  panthers  were  admitted  to  conduct  a  cause  ;  motions  for 
new  trials  in  abundarce.  The  pertinacity  of  the  unicorn 
would  be  unsufferable. 

What!  said  Will  Watlin,  the  constable  ;  have  we  not  heard 
a  bar  called  a  bear-garden  ;  interrupting  one  another,  trouble 
some  to  the  court  ?  I  should  like  to  see  a  cat  and  a  racoon 
wrangle  as  some  of  these  have  done.  The  mild  and  the  mo 
dest  man  has  no  chance.  All  is  carried  by  a  coup  de  main, 
which  some  interpret  a  stroke  of  the  fist.  If  I  am  not  per 
mitted  to  take  up  my  staff  and  apply  it  to  knock  them,  as  I 
should  be  warranted  in  doing  in  case  of  a  wild  boar,  or  a 
rhinoceros,  I  should  take  them  across  the  noddle,  as  I  would 
have  done  many  a  lawyer,  if  the  rules  of  court  permitted  it. 

I  am  for  enlarging  the  sphere  of  jurisprudence,  said  Harura  • 
Scarum  ;  and  the  province  of  admission  to  bench  or  bar.     Is 
any  man  afraid  of  the  rivalship  of  turkey-buzzards  ?     What 
can  check  the  hospitality  of  letting  all  into  the  pale  of  our 
union  ?     We  shall  have  more  to  contend  against  the  savages. 

Pro  aris  etfocis,  said  the  Latin  schoolmaster. 

We  shall  have  more  to  contend  against  the  savages,  con 
tinued  Harum  Scarum ;  for  increase  numbers  in  a  govern 
ment,  and  in  that  proportion  you  render  them  active  in  sup- 


100  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

poit  of  their  privileges.  Men  that  ought  to  think,  can  leara 
to  stand  upon  their  heads,  and  to  run  upon  all  fours  ;  or  make 
•spokes  of  their  legs  and  arms,  and  turn  round  like  cart-wheels ; 
and  why  not  beasts  of  the  wood  learn  to  think?  I  dislike  the 
having  all  things  in  a  common  course.  Nature  herself  has 
given  us  the  variety  of  seasons,  and  revolutions  of  the  sun  and 
moon,  and  heavenly  bodies,  and  why  not  in  the  affairs  of  men  ; 
and  especially  in  their  social  institutions,  as  to  representation 
or  exclusion? 

In  the  mean  time,  the  convention  thus  casually  begun,  had 
by  degrees  attracted  a  crowd  of  persons,  so  that  an  assemblage 
was  formed,  although  not  a  regularly  organized  meeting. 
Some  young  persons,  by  climbing  up  into  trees  to  hear  the 
debate,  or  to  see  what  was  going  on,  were  seen  by  the  spec 
tators,  and  mistaken  for  racoons  and  squirrels  that  were 
turned  into  men  already,  by  the  bare  proposition  of  advanc 
ing  them  to  naturalization ;  and  though  this  error  was  cor 
rected  in  a  short  time  by  one  of  them  who  had  fallen,  by  the 
breaking  of  a  limb  of  a  tree,  yet  it  but  struck  the  notion 
deeper  into  the  heads  of  the  vulgar,  of  having  accession  from 
the  quadrupeds  at  the  next  census  of  free  inhabitants ;  and  a 
man  with  a  strong  voice  in  particular  called  out  that  it  should 
be  so.  A  bull  happening  to  roar,  and  a  horse  to  neigh  at 
the  same  time,  it  was  called  out  that  it  was  the  voice  of  the 
people. 

In  the  multitude  of  a  town  meeting,  or  even  in  a  whole 
community,  it  requires  but  a  few  persons,  stationed  at  con 
venient  distances,  and  dispersed  in  due  proportion,  to  raise  a 
voice,  and  to  call  out  in  favor  of  a  proposition,  to  give  it  cur 
rency  and  acceptability.  Every  one  fearing  to  be  in  the 
minority,  will  seize  the  opportunity  of  coming  round  to  the 
majority,  and  thus  public  opinion  is  manufactured.*  It  is 
"  the  height  of  ability  to  distinguish  the  times/'  says  the 

*  Sometimes  public  opinion  is  manufactured  at  headquarters, 
and  then  transmitted  to  the  popular  leaders,  to  be  sanctioned  or 
promulgated  according  to  the  above  process. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY,  191 

Duke  de  Rochefaucault ;  and  I  know  no  proof  of  discernment 
in  a  republic  greater  than  to  see  which  way  the  current  is 
like  to  set,  and  to  sail  with  it ;  or  rather,  if  you  can  influence 
at  all,  to  seize  occasion  by  the  forelock,  and  by  disposing  a 
few  frogs  in  a  pond  to  croak,  make  it  be  supposed  that  the 
public  opinion  is  in  the  direction  you  choose  to  have  it. 
Shall  a  man  value  himself  on  predicting  the  weather,  and 
not  the  changes  of  political  events?  At  least,  this  is  the 
principle  upon  which  the  greater  part  of  politicians  act. 

The  governor,  finding  that  he  was  like  to  be  on  the  un 
popular  side  of  the  question,  was  willing  to  ease  away,  and 
come  under  the  lee  of  the  Chief  Justice,  who,  though  but  a 
blind  man,  could  see  farther  into  the  nature  of  the  occasion 
than  his  excellency.  Th  opinion  of  this  officer  was  to  let  the 
thing  take  its  course,  and  in  a  short  time  the  public  would  be 
convinced  how  impracticable  it  was  to  extend  liberty,  where 
nature  meant  that  it  should  have  limits.  Ho  thought  it  better 
to  address  himself  to  their  feelings  in  point  of  interest,  than  to 
call  in  question  the*practicability  of  the  project.  Direct  op 
position  would  only  confirm  them  in  their  folly,  and  which 
would  last  as  long  as  that  opposition  was  applied,  but  soon 
thrown  away  when  left  to  themselves,  as  children  part  with 
their  toys  or  break  them. 

Philosopher,  said  he,  there  is  no  doubt  but  there  is  truth 
in  what  you  say;  and  your  proposition  might  be  carried  into 
effect  with  suitable  restrictions.  But  if  we  should  admit  the 
beasts  to  the  rights  of  citizenship,  we  should  have  to  set  them 
free  as  we  have  the  negroes.  The  very  right  of  suffrage^ 
would  be  a  manumission ;  and  it  would  be  unreasonable  to 
extend  the  privilege  to  such  as  are  ferce  natures,  and  ex 
clude  tame  beasts.  Now,  if  cattle  or  oxen,  or  horses  become 
entitled  to  equal  "privileges,  we  could  not  treat  them  as  beasts 
of  burden,  or  use  them  for  the  draught;  much  less  could  wo 
knock  down  a  pig  or  shoot  a  deer,  or  take  the  skin  off  a  bear; 
nor  even  ride  a  horse,  but  on  condition  of  taking  turns,  and 
letting  him  sometimes  ride  us.  Who  of  you  would  be  hitched 


192  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

in  a  sledge,  or  stand  at  the  tongue  of  a  wagon  for  a  whole 
night,  chamj  ing  cut  straw  and  rye  meal,  or  bear  the  whip  of 
the  carter  in  the  day-time  ?  Who  would  be  ringed  and  yoked 
like  a  pig,  to  keep  from  getting  through  a  fence  ? 

These  observations,  however  ridiculous,  had  more  effect  in 
quelling  the  commotion,  than  any  direct  reasoning ;  because 
whatever  crosses  the  thought  and  gives  a  different  direction 
to  the  imagination,  has  been  known  to  be  most  effectual  in 
relieving  a  visania,  or  derangement  of  the  mind. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

Of  matters  in  general.  Of  capital  punishment.  The  author 
declares  that  if  condemned  to  death,  his  choice  would  be  to 
be  shot  by  a  lady  dressed  in  white  muslin. 

THE  mind  of  man  is  active,  or  rather,  it  is  restless,  and  the 
great  secret  of  managing  it,  is  to  find  employment  for  it. 
L 'ennui,  for  which  we  have  no  correspondent  English  word, 
is  the  feeling  of  a  vacant  mind.  We  had  a  phrase  in  the  old 
Saxon,  and  which  still  exists  in  that  dialect  of  it  called  broad 
Scotch,  which  fits  it  exactly ;  it  is  to  think 


O  woe,  quo  he,  were  I  as  free 
As  when  I  first  saw  this  country, 
How  blithe  and  merry  would  I  be, 
And  I  would  never  think  lang. 

The  mind  inactive  loses  its  spring  ;  and  it  ought  to  be  the 
study  of  all  who  are  concerned  in  the  early  education  of  youth, 
to  devise  employment  for  them;  and  in  communities,  to  find 
means  of  occupying  the  grown  persons.  This  to  keep  the 
man  from  pursuits  that  are  injurious  to  himself  or  to  others. 
Where  an  army  is  not  to  be  raised,  and  soldiers  enlisted,  the 
making  turnpike  roads,  and  digging  canals,  is  an  excellent 
substitute  for  this  draught  of  the  superfluity  of  population, 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  193 

and  a  proportion  of  society  who  have  not  the  foresight,  or 
perseverance  to  devise  employment  for  themselves.  I  have 
known  persons  excellent  laborers,  under  the  direction  of 
others,  but  most  wretched  managers,  and  even  bad  workers, 
when  left  to  their  own  judgment,  or  rather,  want  of  judg 
ment.  Their  hands  and  legs  were  good,  but  their  heads 
indifferent.  What  folly  to  talk  of  absolute  equality  in  prac 
tice,  when  such  vast  disparity  exists  in  reaUife  ?  Equality 
of  rights  is  all  that  can  be  acknowledged :  but  this  will  not 
place  men  on  equality,  where  nature  has  formed  them 
unequal,  or  when  the  freaks  of  fortune  favor  some  and 
neglect  others.  Do  what  we  will,  some  will  lead,  or  overtop 
the  rest,  or  outgrow  them  like  trees  in  the  forest.  There  is  no 
equality  in  nature.  Hence  it  is  that  they  are  mustered  in 
elections  by  the  ambitious,  for  their  own  private  ends,  and 
these  are  they  who  are  made  use  of  to  call  out  for  a  change 
of  the  constitution.  Not  that  all  who  make  use  of  them  for 
this  purpose,  mean  more  than  to  advance  themselves  by  the 
aid  of  the  confusion  which  they  excite.  For  when  men  are 
out  of  power,  they  wish  the  drawing  of  the  lottery  to  begin 
again,  and  the  prizes  drawn  to  go  for  nothing.  The  blanks 
that  are  drawn  do  not  givo  satisfaction — Not  but  that  the 
common  people  are  of  themselves  sufficiently  disposed  to 
novelty.  A  desire  of  a  change  is  the  characteristic  of  the 
multitude,  at  all  times.  And  even  if  a  man  has  no  prospect 
of  ameliorating  his  condition,  it  helps  a  little  that  it  is  not 
always  the  same.  Though  the  next  plank  is  as  hard  as  that 
on  which  a  man  lies,  it  is  pleasant  to  roll  upon  it.  It  is  a 
great  misfortune,  when  a  restless  spirit  has  a  faculty  of 
haranguing;  and  still  more  so,  if  he  has  ideas,  and  can  get 
himself  placed  at  the  head  of  a,  paper.  He  is  restrained  by 
feelings  of  delicacy  only  in  proportion  as  he  wants  terms  to 
express  himself.  If  one  of  these  should  happen  to^be  of  the 
kingdom  emphatically  so  called,  because  it  has  been  but 
nominally  a  kingdom  for  some  ages,  he  brings  the  same 
licence  into  his  paper,  that  he  showed  at  the  fairs  of  Liffy  or 


194  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

Tipperary,  with  a  shamrock  in  his  hat  and  a  shillelah  in  his 
hand.  Yet  there  is  in  the  history  of  that  people  in  their  own 
country,  something  greatly  to  be  valued :  their  hospitality, 
and  generosity.  An  Irishman  has  no  mean  vices.  He  is 
brave  and  open  in  his  enmity  ;  and  sets  the  law  at  defiance, 
at  the  same  time  with  the  public  opinion. 

It  is  an  old  adage,  an  ounce  of  prevention  is  worth  a  pound 
of  cure,  or,  as  the  mock  doctor  of  Smollet  has  it,  Bestum  est 
curare  distemptum  ante  habestum. 

It  is  but  a  slovenly  way  of  reforming  a  man  to  hang  him. 
Some  indeed  have  their  doubts  whether  it  is  lawful  to  hang  a 
man  at  all,  or  take  away  life  in  society.  Certainly  nothing 
can  justify  it,  but  the  necessity  of  self-preservation.  If  a 
man  has  killed  five  hundred,  and  the  remainder  can  be  safe, 
the  necessity  of  taking  away  the  life  of  the  murderer  ceases  ; 
and  it  is  unreasonable  to  put  him  to  death.  But  where  a  man 
kills  one,  a  presumption  arises  that  he  will  kill  two,  and  it  is 
on  the  principle  of  prevention  that  he  is  suspended,  or 
otherwise  taken  from  society.  The  first  murder  is  his  ;  the 
second  may  be  imputed  to  him  whose  business  it  was  to 
prevent,  and  who  are  the  chosen  guardians  of  the  lives  of 
the  people.  Banishment  ia  unquestionably  the  proper 
mulct  to  him  who  has  forfeited  the  benefits  of  society. 
The  culprit  may  come  back,  and  repeat  his  blows  ;  or  he 
may  commit  mischief  in  the  place  to  which  he  is  sent,  or  to 
which  he  may  come  ;  or  another  society  may  refuse  to  receive 
him.  But  the  Jewish  lawgiver  said,  "  Whosoever  sheddeth 
man's  blood,  by  man  shall  his  blood  be  shed  ;"  but  if  that  is 
to  be  taken  strictly,  hanging  is  no  shedding  blood ;  and  yet 
the  murderer  is  hung,  not  beheaded. 

The  meaning  of  this  is  predictive ;  and  as  much  as  to  say, 
that  in  the  natural  course  of  things,  the  taking  the  life  of  a 
man,  leads  to  the  loss  of  a  man's  own.  But  taking  it  even  as 
injunctive,  and  as  pointing  out  that  punishment  which  retri- 
butary  justice  ought  to  inflict,  it  must  be  taken  as  applicable 
to  the  Jews  in  the  wilderness,  whose  unsettled  life  did  not 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  19O 

admit  of  places  of  confinement  sufficiently  safe  to  secure 
offenders.  While  they  were  journeying  from  Kadesh  Barnea 
to  Cushanrishatharim,  they  must  be  at  a  loss  what  to  do  with 
the  malefactor;  and  therefore  it  saved  trouble  to  despatch 
him  from  the  world.  In  a  country  where  the  sitting  is  per 
manent,  to  borrow  a  phrase  from  the  French  national  assem 
bly,  and  where  strong  buildings  can  be  erected  like  the  old 
or  new  jail  of  Philadelphia,  what  necessity  can  there  be  to 
put  a  man  out  of  the  world  ?  He  can  be  put  to  work,  and  to 
make  some  amends  to  the  community  for  the  life  he  has  taken 
away,  and  the  expense  of  bringing  him  to  punishment.  As 
for  himself,  is  he  not  more  punished  by  solitude,  or  labor, 
than  by  the  infliction  of  death  ?  Punishments,  to  be,  just  must 
never  be  vindictive  ;  they  may  be  retributive,  but  their  legiti 
mate  object  is  the  safety  and  peace  of  society;  they  must 
therefore  be  preventive,  and  they  ought  to  be  associated  with 
the  idea  of  the  reform  of  the  criminal  himself.  Considering 
the  influencs  of  associating  one  idea  with  another,  by  the 
human  mind,  the  degree  of  the  penalty  should  be  so  marked 
as  to  show  the  degree  of  the  atrocity  of  the  offence,  in  the 
estimation  of  the  community.  It  should  neither  be  above  nor 
below  the  crime.  There  are  many  degrees  on  the  scale,  be 
tween  murder  and  misdemeanor.  It  does  not  follow,  that  if 
left  to  a  man's  self,  he  would  prefer  confinement  to  death, 
that  for  this  reason,  the  punishment  is  lighter.  lie  has  not 
resolution  to  consult  future  happiness,  by  the  enduring  present 
pain.  But  if  it  is  left  to  a  man  to  consider  whether  he  would 
wish  to  have  his  enemy  confined,  or  to  undergo  instant  death, 
would  he  be  willing  that  his  adversary  should  escape  ven 
geance  by  getting  speedily  out  of  the  world  ?  It  might  be  a 
satisfaction  to  him  that  the  murderer  should  be  doomed  to 
eternal  punishment  in  the  world  to  come ;  but  he  is  not  sure 
of  this  ;  for  the  divines  tell  us  that  by  faith  and  repentance 
he  may  escape  the  penalties  of  the  moral  law;  and  when  he 
has  him  in  a  work-house,  he  is  certain  that  he  must  work. 
Besides,  who  can  be  of  sq  diabolical  a  nature  as  to  be  recon,-* 


196  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

ciled  even  to  a  murderer  being;  doomed  to  everlastgni  tor 
ments  ;  and  why  not  allow  Lira  space  and  opportunity  to 
repent,  as  much  as  the  short  life  of  man  will  allow,  in  a  cell 
of  confinement,  with  nothing  but  bread  and  water,  un 
til  he  gives  signs  of  repentance  ?  Be  this  as  it  may,  from 
all  the  examination  I  have  been  able  to  give  my  own  mind,  I 
would  think  a  man  more  punished  who  had  murdered,  to  see 
him  in  a  cell  than  on  a  gallows ;  what  I  would  think  if  I  had 
been  murdered  myself,  supposing  me  still  to  have  the  feelings 
of  humanity  in  another  state,  is  a  different  question.  I  might 
wish  to  have  my  adversary  with  me  there,  in  order  to  retali 
ate,  and  to  have  the  gratification  of  retributary  vengeance. 
Unquestionably  it  must  be  a  feeling  of  this  nature,  and  a 
putting  one's  self  in  the  place  of  a  murdered  person,  that  can 
lead  to  an  idea  that  it  is  but  justice  to  the  dead  that  the  mur 
derer  should  die.  It  is  but  an  innovation  in  the  common  law 
of  our  ancestors,  the  Saxons,  to  put  to  death,  when  a  compen 
sation  could  be  made  to  the  public,  and  to  the  relations  of  the 
deceased,  for  the  injury  done,  in  taking  away  the  life  of  an 
individual.  It  seems  to  be  a  dictate  of  nature  ;  for  the  early 
ages  of  man,  in  all  countries,  sanctions  this  mode  of  atoning 
for  injuries,  not  excepting  murder  itself.  Where  there  was 
a  community  of  goods,  compensation  could  not  be  made  in 
this  way,  and  confinement  and  hard  labor  would  be  the  only 
punishment.* 

If,  however,  after  all  that  can  be  said,  life  must  go  for  life, 
I  dislike  the  mode  of  taking  it.  The  sus.  p&r  col.  is  an  ugly 
minute  on  the  docket.  I  do  not  know  that  they  could  have 
done  better  before  the  invention  of  gunpowder ;  for  behead 
ing  is  not  much  better,  if  not  rather  more  shocking,  from  the 
mutilation  of  the  body.  I  would  prefer  shooting ;  at  least,  if 
I  were  to  die  myself  by  order  of  the  law,  that  would  be  my 


*  It  is  the  mode  of  punishment  among-  the  Circassians.  Among 
our  Indians  the  law  of  retaliation  prevails,  unless  it  can  be  com 
muted  for  a  compensation  to  the  family  of  the  deceased. 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  197 

choice  ;  and  through  the  breast  rather  than  the  head  ;  for  I 
would  not  choose  to  have  the  human  countenance  disfigured. 
I  saw  once  four  deserters  shot,  sitting  on  their  coffins,  and 
their  graves  dug  beside  them,  and  yet  with  these  terrific  cir 
cumstances,  I  thought  them  killed  mildly,  in  comparison  of 
being  put  to  death  by  the  halter.  The  guillotine  is  too  ap 
palling  on  account  of  the  apparatus.  My  mode  of  death, 
were  it  left  to  my  choice,  I  mean  death  forced,  would  be  to 
fall  by  a  pistol  shot  by  the  hand  of  a  mild  compassionate 
female,  dressed  in  white  muslin,  who  would  have  fortitude  to 
be  unmoved ;  because,  in  that  case,  death  would  be  present 
ed  with  as  little  terror  as  the  nature  of  the  case  would  admit. 
"To  paint  death  as  we  do,  is  an  injustice,"  says  the  Due  de 
Ligne.  "  We  should  present  it  in  the  shape  of  a  tall,  vener 
able,  mild  snd  serene  matron,  with  traces  of  beauty  left  on 
her  countenance,  and  her  arms  opened  gracefully  to  receive 
us.  This  is  the  emblem  of  repose  after  a  sad  life,  replete 
with  anxieties  and  storms." 

I  will  admit,  that  the  sudden  impression,  the  theatrical 
effect,  so  to  speak,  of  a  public  execution,  is  calculated  to 
strike  the  multitude  ;  but  it  is  passing,  and  as  to  the  deter 
ring  from  the  commission  of  crimes,  no  punishment  can  have 
any  great  effect.  We  must  begin  with  the  mind  and  heart 
of  the  citizen  ;  we  must  begin  with  the  child  ;  and  then  there 
must  be  a  police  sufficiently  extensive  with  the  adult,  without 
interfering  with  liberty.  Prevention  should  be  the  great 
point;  but  this  is  the  great  problem  yet  unsolved.  How 
does  the  farmer  save  his  crop  ?  By  seeing  that  his  cattle 
contract  no  bad  habits — by  stabling  them  and  keeping  good 
fences.  There  is  no  doubt  the  time  when  a  more  vigilant, 
if  not  more  energetic  police,  will  be  required.*  All  depends 
upon  the  ways  and  means  of  preventing;  caution  a  priore  is 

*  With  us,  at  present,  capital  punishment  may  be  said  to  bo 
limited  to  one  single  crime — murder  in  the  first  degree.  The  only 
reason  for  retaining  this  is,  that  a  less  punishment  may  lessen  the 
honor  of  the  crime  in  the  public  mind. 


198  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

the  most  effectual.  I  have  weighed  a  good  deal  in  my  mind, 
the  speeches  of  Julius  Csesar  and  Cato,  in  the  Roman  Senate, 
on  the  sentence  to  be  passed  on  the  conspirators,  the  associ 
ates  of  Cataline.  That  of  Cato  prevailed,  "which  was  for  put 
ting  them  to  death  ;  and  with  good  reason,  on  that  ocaasion, 
which  was  in  the  midst  of  an  insurrection,  and  when  a  confi 
dence  in  the  power  of  government  was  to  be  expressed,  and 
the  audacious  intimidated,  showing  them  what  those  who  had 
the  administration  dared  to  do,  against  those  who  had  so 
many  of  the  populace  on  their  side ;  and  because  also,  in  these 
perturbed  times,  there  was  no  sure  keeping  them;  they  might 
have  got  out  of  custody  in  a  short  time,  and  have  gone  to  in 
crease  the  numbers  of  the  traitors.  Self  preservation,  in  this 
case  necessity,  dictated  the  putting  out  of  life;  yet  it  is 
remarkable  with  what  delicacy  the  Eoman  consul  expresses 
the  event,  walking  down  to  the  Forum  after  their  execution : 
"  Vixeunt,"  they  have  lived.  The  Greeks  also,  in  their  mode 
of  expressing  the  last  offices,  speak  of  having  accompanied 
the  departed  a  little  way  on  their  journey.  "Odou  eraarme. 
nen,"  the  appointed  journey.  What  an  impression  must  we 
have  of  the  manners  of  those  times,  when  torture  preceded 
death,  and  death  itself  was  accompanied  with  all  the  horror 
of  circumstances  ?  May  not  the  time  come,  when  the  putting 
to  death,  at  all,  unless  in  extreme  cases,  such  as  those  alluded 
to,  will  be  felt  as  the  proof  of  an  uncivilized  state  of  society . 
and  a  remnant  of  barbarity  still  retained  by  the  prejudices 
of  the  vulgar  ? 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

Further  of  the  visionary  philosopher.     Teague  goes  to  Jus  own 
hand,  like  Noctra  Muttin's  dog. 

THE  visionary  philosopher  had  not  yet  abandoned  his  pro 
ject    of  civilizing  the  brute  creation,  and  teaching  them  the 


MODERN  CHIVALRY.  199 

arts  and  sciences.  He  had  caught  a  young  panther,  and, 
with  a  chain  about  his  neck,  had  put  it  to  study  law  with  a 
young  man  of  that  profession,  who  wishing  to  get  forward 
in  the  business,  thought  it  could  do  him  no  harm,  though  it 
might  not  do  the  panther  much  good  to  undertake  the  task. 
But  there  were  those  who  bore  testimony  against  this,  being 
of  opinion  that  lawyers  were  bad  enough,  even  when  made 
of  the  best  materials. — This  idea  was  supported  by  some 
sensible  men,  who  could  not  conceive  that  this  animal  of  the 
cat  kind  could  ever  be  brought  to  be  capable  of  explaining  a 
matter  to  the  jury,  or  stating  a  point  of  law  to  the  court. 

The  visionary  philosopher  taking  fire  at  this  opposition  to 
his  discovery,  invention,  or  improvement,  or  what  else  it 
might  be  called,  exclaimed  abundantly.  What  is  it,  said  he, 
whether  he  may  be  ever  able  to  explain  himself  intelligibly 
at  the  bar  ?  Cannot  he  grin,  bite * 

It  had  come  to  the  knowledge  of  the  people,  or,  at  least, 
was  projected  in  the  mean  time,  that  after  the  proclamation 
for  scalps,  and  the  hunt  which  took  place  in  consequence  of 
it,  the  governor  had  been  guilty  of  the  most  manifest  parti 
ality  in  screening  the  bog-trotter,  who  was  as  much  liable 
as  any  person,  no  one  having  been  more  noisy  in  the  beer 
houses,  and  active  at  town  meetings,  to  bring  about  a  con 
vention,  than  he  had  been,  with  the  exception  of  Thady 
O'Connor,  who  had  taken  the  benefit  of  the  insolvent  act ; 
and  a  few  others  who  had  been  refused  tavern  licences  atjihe 
sessions.  It  was  thought  to  be  a  ground  of  impeachment  to 
connive  at  the  secreting  any  one  on  such  occasion. 

The  fact  was,  the  governor  was  as  innocent  of  the  charge 
as  any  one  among  themselves,  and  so  he  declared  to  them  ; 
that  for  a  considerable  time  past,  he  had  ceased  to  have  a 
control  over  the  bog-trotter;  that  like  Noctra  Mullin's  dog, 
he  had  been  at  his  own  hand  these  six  weeks  ;  that  is,  since 
he  got  in  to  be  constable. 

The  affair  was  like  to  take  a  very  serious  turn,  and  the 
people  would  not  be  satisfied:  when  Angus  M'Donald,  the 


200  MODERN     CHIVALY. 

Scotch  gardener,  having  knocked  down  the  panther  that 
was  studying  law,  and  taken  off  a  piece  of  hide,  came  for 
ward  with  it,  saying  it  was  little  matter  what  had  been  done 
with  Teague  on  the  occasion  alluded  to,  since  he  had  put  the 
law  in  force  against  him  just  now,  and  scalped  him  himself, 
as  they  might  see  by  the  red  hair,  and  the  blood.  There  is 
nothing  sooner  softens  a  passion,  or  calms  a  mad  multitude, 
than  yielding  to  it.  Hence  the  fury  abated  in  a  moment ; 
and  when  it  occurred  to  them  that  their  remonstrance  to 
the  governor  had  been  the  occasion  of  the  tragedy,  they  began 
to  blame  themselves  as  having  been  too  precipitate  in  their 
representations. 

The  difficulty  now  occurred,  what  to  do  with  the  bog-trot 
ter.  For  it  would  not  be  safe  that  he  should  remain  in  the 
government,  and  that  it  should  be  visible  that  the  scalping 
had  been  but  a  substitution,  and  not  the  genuine  exuviae  of 
the  man.  Harum  Scarum  was  of  the  opinion  that  it  was 
best  to  knock  him  down  in  reality,  and  take  his  scalp  to  the 
people,  laying  the  deception  at  the  door  of  the  Scotchman, 
as  it  really  ought.  The  governor  was  opposed  to  that,  as  it 
was  to  save  him  from  an  impeachment  that  Angus,  with 
great  presence  of  mind,  had  bethought  himself  of  the  strat 
agem,  to  divert  the  fury  of  the  populace. 

But  the  visionary  philosopher,  in  the  mean  time,  enraged 
at  the  murder  of  his  crony  panther,  and  the  lawyer  with 
whom  he  was  studying,  dissatisfied,  or  seeming  to  be  so,  the 
circumstance  was  explained  to  the  people.  But  they  thought 
enough  had  been  done  for  once,  and  that  it  was  not  necessary 
to  pursue  the  matter  farther.  In  fact,  some  of  them  were  in 
the  secret,  and  meant  only  pastime  from  the  beginning. 

However,  thinking  it  might  not  be  amiss  to  be  out  of  the 
way  for  a  while,  the  bog-trotter  was  sent  over  the  hill  to  dig 
potatoes,  at  the  farm  of  Niel  M'Shaw,  a  neighboring  farmer. 


MODERN     CHIVALRY,  201 


CHAPTER    XXXV. 

Democratic  power  unbalanced,  is  tJie  despotism  of  the  many 
instead  of  one.    Impeachment. 

SOME  may  think  that  in  my  allusion  to  impeachment   I 
may  have  in  view  what  has  happened  in  this  state.    It  is 
probable,  or  rather  certain,  that  it  is  this  which  has  led  me 
to  think  upon  the  subject,  and  to  introduce  it  in  a  picture  of 
democratic  government,  such  as  I  am  now  describing.     But 
if  it  is  infered  from  thence,  that  I  approve  or  condemn  what 
has  taken  place  in  this  State,  it  will  be  unfair ;  or  at  least  a 
misconception.     For  I  do  not  mean  that  any  inferences,  fav 
orable  or  unfavorable,  should  be  made  from  it.     On  the  con 
trary,  I  am  far  from  reprobating  the  power  of  impediment 
in  the  constitution,  or  finding  fault  with  a  discreet  use  of  it  in 
practice.    Impeachment  is  the  most  salutary  principle  of  the 
constitution.     But  that  must  be  real.     There  must  be  re 
sponsibility  to  some  authority  that  can  impeach.     Mere  re 
sponsibility  to    the   public  voice,  is  not  what  I  mean;  party 
may  screen  the  guilty.     The  senate  itself  is  too  near  the 
popular  voice;  I  would  join  the  judiciary  with  it,  and  one- 
third  of  the  popular  branch  sufficient  to  bring  to  trial.     I 
look  upon  it,  as  the  means  of  avoiding  tumults,  and  assassina 
tions.      When  dissatisfaction  with  the   conduct  of  public 
officers,  is  suffered  to  show  itself,  and  to  have  a  vent  in  this 
way,  the   public  mind,   having  an  opportunity  of  hearing 
grievances  discussed,  and  getting  to  know  the  real  demerit, 
good  or  bad  of  the  functionary,  is  more  likely  to  be  satisfied, 
and  it  is  safer  for  the  object  of  the  obloquy.    Nor,  on  exam 
ination,  will  it  be  found,  that  in  many  cases,  where  there 
is  a  public  dissatisfaction  with  an  officer,  there  has  not  "been 
eoine  foundation  laid ;  if  not  in  tho  very  particular  that  is 
vol.  4, 17 


202  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

made  the  subject  of  inquiry,  yet  in  some  other  that  has  led 
to  it.  As  for  instance  ;  even  in  the  case  of  Scipio  Africanus, 
where,  perhaps,  a  just  cause  has  been  the  least  suspected  to 
have  existed  of  all  instances  of  a  great  man  impeached,  that 
are  to  be  found  in  history.  Yet  if  any  one  will  read  Livy 
attentively,  in  his  account  of  the  way  in  which  this  young 
man  came  forward  in  publip  life,  he  may  forsee  the  vexations 
he  experienced  after  he  had  accomplished  great  things  for 
the  commonwealth.  His  error  was  a  premature  competition 
for  office.  Before  the  age  allowed  by  law,  he  set  up  for  the 
Edile-ship  and  carried  it  by  the  undue  favor  of  the  populace. 
*  Si  me,  omnes  Quirites  cdilem  facere  volunt,  satis  annorum 
habeo."  How  arrogant  the  expression;  how  insulting  to  the 
tribunes  and  Fabius  Maximas,  and  others  of  the  senate  who 
opposed  it  I  His  offering  himself  for  proconsulate  in  Spain 
before  his  24th  year  "  quatuor  et  viginti  annos  ferme  natus, 
professus  sepetere,"  was  more  excusable  from  the  occasion. 

But  it  was  in  some  degree  by  an  affectation  of  religion 
and  arts  of  dissimulation,  that  he  had  prepared  the  public 
mind,  to  favor  his  premature  pretentions.  From  the  time 
that  he  had  put  on  the  toga  virilis  to  this,  he  had  been 
preparing  the  minds  of  the  people.  There  was  no  day, 
before  he  did  say  any  thing  private  or  public,  but  that  he 
went  into  the  capital,  and  entering  a  temple,  sat  down,  and 
for  the  most  part  alone,  in  secret,  and  spent  there  some  time. 
This  custom,  which  was  preserved  through  his  whole  life, 
whether  designedly,  or  that  it  so  happened,  procured  credit 
to  the  opinion  published  by  some,  that  he  was  a  man  of  a 
divine  stock,  and  brought  up  the  story  before  common,  of 
Alexander  the  Great,  and  equal  to  it  in  fable  and  variety, 
that  he  had  been  conceived  of  a  huge  dragon,  which  had 
been  seen  in  the  bed  with  his  mother;  and  which  tale  he 
increased  by  the  art  of  neither  contradicting  nor  assenting. 

On  his  return  from  Spain,  after  the  expiration  of  his  pro 
consulate,  he  was  willing  to  have  accepted  a  triumph,  though 
at  that  day,  there  had  been  no  instance  of  any  one  triumph- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  203 

Ing,  for  whatever  successes,  unless  he  had  the  command  in 
chief;  or,  as  the  historian  expressess  it,  qui  sine  magistratu 
res  gessisset.  It  is  true,  it  is  said  that  "  the  hope  of  a  triumph 
was  rather  tried  than  obstinately  persisted  in."  But  it  shows 
a  too  great  forwardness  to  catch  at  honors.  But  the  inordi 
nate  nature  of  his  ambition  was  too  evident  on  his  obtaining 
the  consulship.  :He  grasped  at  Africa  for  his  province, 
though  not  according  to  his  lot,  ' '  wdla  jam  modica  gloria 
contentus"  And  this  he  said  openly,  he  would  carry  by  the 
people,  even  if  the  senate  set  themselves  against  it.  He 
made  his  words  good,  and  the  senate,  with  all  the  authority 
and  reputation  of  Fabius  Maximus,  venerable  from  age  and 
wisdom,  and  others  aged  likewise  and  experienced,  were 
bullied  by  the  tribunes  and  people  into  acquiescence.* 

I  cannot  help  considering  his  conduct  in  procuring  the 
province  of  Africa  for  his  brother  Lucius,  having  Laslius  for 
his  colleague  in  the  consulship,  who  equally  was  ambitious 
of  that  designation,  as  extremely  indelicate  in  throwing  his 
weight  into  the  scale,  in  the  deliberation  of  the  senate  be- 

*In  the  two  great  Roman  historians,  Livy  and  Tacitus,  we  see 
depicted  the  faults  of  the  republic,  by  the  "first,  and  the  crime  of 
despotism  by  the  latter.  Livy  wrote  near  the  time  of  Augustus, 
before  the  republic  had  entirely  ceased  to  exist ;  he  displays  the 
follies  of  the  people,  in  the  internal  dissentions  of  the  commons 
and  the  patricians,  but  also  presents  the  records  of  noble  actions, 
in  the  virtuous  and  great  deeds  of  the  republic,  and  of  individuals. 
What,  a  contrast,  with  the  horrors,  long  continued,  of  gloomy 
despotism  under  the  Caesars!  Those  books  should  be  read  for 
the  contrast.  If  any  one  should  grow  weary  of  the  republic, 
let  him  read  Tacitus.  Nothing  surprises  me  more  tlian  the 
ideas  of  some  modern  extreme  radicals,  who  propose  to  sink 
the  dignity  and  importance  of  the  individual,  by  melting  him 
down  into  the  aggregate  of  our  association.  This  is  the  level, 
degrading  slavery,  produced  by  such  a  despotism  as  that  of 
Koine  under  the  emperors.  What  a  contrast  to  the  numerous 
instances  of  distinguished  individuals  under  the  republic.  It 
is  true,  there  was  the  constant  struggle  between  the  Patricians 
and  Commons ;  but  we  are  all  patricians,  or.  if  you  please,  all 
commons.  Distinction  is  altogether  personal ;  iu  the  words  of 
the  poet ; 

"  Honor  and  shame  from  no  condition  rise." 


204  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

tween  the  two,  by  offering  to  serve  under  his  brother  as  his 
lieutenant ;  if  they  would  prefer  his  brother.  By  this  means, 
and  by  his  previous  advice  to  his  brother  in  submitting  the 
matter  to  the  senate,  rather  than  to  the  chance  of  a  lot,  and 
thus  having  it  in  his  mind  to  use  the  address  of  offering  his 
services  in  a  subordinate  capacity,  which  was  in  fact,  ob 
taining  the  command  for  himself,  he  fixed  in  the  minds  of 
the  principal  men  much  chagrin  and  dislike.  And  deserv 
edly  ;  for  ambition  is  self-love ;  and  when  it  is  at  the  ex 
pense  of  others,  it  is  odious.  Every  man  in  a  community  has 
what  may  be  ranked  among  the  imperfeet  rights  in  seciety, 
a  right  to  have  his  age  considered,  in  pretension  to  office  ; 
and  not  to  be  intruded  upon  by  the  coming  generation  before 
its  time  ;  much  less  to  have  power  engrossed  even  by  virtue 
itself,  or  the  most  distinguished  ability.:  For  the  keeping  the 
flame  of  public  spirit  burning,  is  the  vital  principle  of 
republican  government,  to  which  there  is  nothing  more 
smothering  than  inequality  in  the  chance  of  obtaining  offices, 
honors,  and  emoluments.  And  if  the  next  generation  come 
on  too  soon,  the  seniors  are  pressed  out,  and  lose  their 
chance.  Nor  is  it  only  by  the  younger  intruding  that  this 
equality  is  effected,  bat  the  usurping  by  those  of  any  age, 
of  what  is  not  equal.  And  I  call  it  usurpation,  where  any 
thing  is  obtained,  what  is  more,  where  any  thing  is  even 
taken,  that  reasonably  ought  to  go  to  another,  in  considera 
tion  of  standing,  ability,  or  services.  If  these  are  obtained 
by  popular  favor,  unduly  coveted,  what  reason  has  the  candi 
date  to  complain,  or  good  men  to  regret,  if  the  same  caprice 
that  has  advanced,  should,  notwithstanding  unimpeachable 
conduct,  nevertheless  impeach  ?  We  shall  see  that  this  was 
the  case  with  Scipio. 

He  was  impeached  by  the  tribunes  of  the  people  on  a 
charge  of  peculation,  and  converting  the  public  money  to  his 
own  use,  in  which  there  was  no  truth';  but  in  the  remainder 
of  the  charge  there  was  truth  ;  that  he  had  .pushed  himself 
forward  to  foreign  nations  in  a  manner  as  if  peace  and  war 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  205 

with  the  Roman  people  depended  upon  him  alone:  That  he 
had  gone  out  as  a  dictator  to  his  brother  rather  than  as  a 
lieutenant;  and  for  nq  other  purpose,  but  that  he  might  show 
himself,  and  have  it  believed  in  the  east,  as  he  accomplished 
in  the  west,  that  he  should  seem  the  head  and  the  pillar  of 
the  Roman  empire:  That  a  State,  the  mistress  of  the  world, 
should  seem  to  be  under  the  shade  of  his  power:*  That  his 
rod  stood  in  place  of  the  decrees  of  the  senate,  or  the  orders 
of  the  people. 

The  charge  of  peculation  he  could  easily  answer:  but 
these  things  he  could  not  answer  ;  nor  was  there  anything 
so  definite  in  them,  that  strictly  speaking,  they  could  be 
made  the  ground  of  an  impeachment ;  but  it  was  easy  to  see 
by  reason  of  them,  the  alleged  offence  would  be  established  £ 
and  which  alone  could  come  within  the  laws.  He  chose  to 
withdraw  from  the  trial,  and  go  into  banishment. 

If,  in  like  manner,  impeachments  that  have  brought  at 
reproach  upon  republics  were  examined,  it  might  be  found 
that  in  the  greater  part  of  them,  bating  sudden  errors,  and 
mistakes  incident  to  all  human  affairs,  there  would  be  found 
though  not  the  best  foundation  for  the  particular  charge 
alleged,  and  the  sentence  pronounced,  yet  remotely  some 
thing  blameable,  which  had  led  to  the  making  the  charge  in 
question. 

But  even  taking  it  as  matters  seem  to  be  on  the  surfaco  of 
things,  the  wrongs  of  democracy  and  injustice  of  public  char 
acters,  will  be  found  to  fall  short  of  those  under  lurid  despot 
ism.  For  a  view  of  this  let  the  history  of  the  Roman  empire 
by  Livy,  be  compared  with  that  of  the  same  people  under  tbo 


*  "  Stat  magni  nominis  umbra, 

Utfrugifero  quercus  sublimis  in  agroS  — Lucan. 

The  two  last  words  in  the  first  line  form  the  celeBfated  motto 
of  Junius.  The  allusion  is  to  Pompey,  undeothe  shade  of  whose 
name  Rome  reposed  in  security  the  field  of  corn  under  the 
shade  of  the  oak. 

vol.  4  17.* 


206  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

smperors,  as  we  have  it  by  the  divine  pen  of  Tacitus.*  There 
is  no  one  who  will  consult  the  nature  of  things,  OP  look  into 
^hat  has  taken  place  in  popular  governments,  but  will  think 
that  there  is  greater  chance  for  justice  to  an  honest  man, 
than  where  this  depends  upon  the  caprice  of  an  individual. 
For  it  is  not  the  despot  himself  that  is  alone  to  be  dreaded  ; 
it  is  those  he  has  about  him,  and  will  allege  words  spoken  of 
him,  or  acts  done  against  his  government ;  when,  in  fact,  it 
is  their  own  resentment,  for  something  done,  or  said,  or  omit 
ted  to  be  done,  or  said,  which  they  wish  to  gratify. 

A  despotic  government  is  safer  for  a  dishonest  man,  and 
he  has  the  best  chance  of  coming  forward  there,  where  it  is 
not  ability  or  integrity  that  recommends,  but  subserviency  to 
the  passions  of  the  prince.  Wealth,  too,  must  necessarily 
have  a  wider  scope  of  influence,  and  poverty  more  likely  io 
be  more  oppressed  and  abject.  When  I  speak  of  the  poor,  I 
do  not  mean  the  absolute  pauper,  but  the  comparatively 
poor,  or  rather,  the  comparatively  wealthy.  The  man  who 
can  maintain  himself  by  his  labor,  and  have  something 
beside,  is  only  less  rich  than  the  millionaire,  and  may  be  the 
more  independent  and  high-minded  of  the  two. 

But  it  is  the  rage  of  mere  democracy  that  has  brought  re 
proach  upon  republics  ;  democratic  power  unbalanced,  is  but 
the  despotism  of  many  instead  of  one.  It  is  the  balancing 
with  stays  and  braces  of  distributed  powers  that  gives  safety. 
This  distribution  of  power  is  the  highest  effort  of  the  mind 
and  yet  you  will  find  but  few,  who,  like  my  bog-trotter,  will 
not  conceive  that  they  could  form  a  constitution  that  would 
give  energy  and  guard  liberty.  It  is  this  false  idea,  over 
weening  conceit,  that  I  have  it  in  view  to  ridicule.  I  am 
willing  to  give  it  the  whole  force  of  my  indignation,  in  pro- 

*This  chapter  is  wr.rth  many  a  volume  of  formal  dissertation. 
The  aoove  sentence  fairly  contrasts  democracy  with  despotism, 
and  serves  to  reconcile  us  to  the  unavoidable  defects  of  our  gov- 
enment.  Everything  must  be  judged  by  comparison,  and  every 
human  work  must  partake  of  the  imperfection  of  man. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY  207 

portion  as  I  know  the  error,  and  the  consequences.  Let  any 
man  look  at  a  book  published  in  this  State,  under  the  speci- 
cions  title  of  "  Experience  the  test  of  government,"  and  see 
the  crude  conceptions  that  it  contains;  I  do  not  know  by 
whom  written,  and  he  will  be  sensible  of  the  consequences 
of  putting  the  moddeling  of  a  constitution  in  such  hands. 
"  I  am  not  afraid  of  the  people  of  Pennsylvania,"  said  a 
pompous  orator  to  me.  The  fact  was  he  had  nothing  to  be 
afraid  of,  unless  they  would  take  his  scalp.  Nor  am  I  afraid 
of  them  on  my  own  account,  but  on  theirs ;  at  least  I  am 
afraid  on  their  account,  as  well  as  my  own.  For  the  forma 
tion  of  a  government,  is  not  a  matter  to  which  the  bulk  are 
competent:  or  if  they  will  indulge  caprice  in  changing,  and 
they  will  go  on  to  change;  when  ever  achange  is  made,  it  will 
be  but  a  majority  that  is"  satisfied,  and  perhaps  that  not  great; 
and  it  is  to  be  expected  that  a  portion  of  the  majority,  not 
finding  their  account  in  the  change,  will  associate  with  the 
former  minority,  and  hence  a  change,  and  so  toties  quoties, 
until  only  one  remains  that  is  to  be  satisfied.  Stability  in  in 
stitutions,  is  the  great  end  of  all  political  wisdom.  A  con 
tinual  shifting,  and  changing  of  State  policy,  to  the  whim, 
or  passions  of  those  in  power,  or  of  those  who  desire  to  get 
into  power,  is  bad  enough,  but  a  continual  alteration  of  the 
foundation  of  government  is  absolutely  ruinous.  I  am  not 
an  enemy  to  reform,  and  improvements,  even  with  fundamen 
tal  law,  but  I  wish  to  see  them  consistent  with  the  general 
stability  of  the  system,  to  which,  if  suffered  to  stand  the  hab 
its  of  the  people  will  gradually  conform,  while  the  positive  ad 
vantages  of  one  modification  of  the  constitution  over  another, 
as  long  as  it  is  democratic,  is  very  doubtful. 

It  will  be  said  impeachment  is  of  no  use  ;  the  constitution 
being  such,  that  a  conviction  cannot  follow  ;  it  requiring  such 
a  proportion  of  the  tribunal,  before  whom  the  impeachment 
comes  to  trial,  to  be  of  a  mind.  Is  it  nothing  even  in  the 
case  of  an  acquittal,  to  be  scared  half  to  death  ?  Even  on  a 
representation  of  the  people,  and  a  citation  before  a  commit- 


208  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

tee  of  the  House  of  Representatives,  one  may  as  well  be  halt1 
hanged,  as  to  undergo  the  terror. 

Can  any  one,  looking  at  the  Quarter  Sessions,  think  that 
there  is  no  good  by  trying,  even  where  there  is  no  condemna^ 
tion?  I  have  known  many  a  man  tried,  that  I  thought  guilty 
in  the  letter  of  the  law,  and  perhaps  in  spirit,  but  if  acquitted 
by  the  exclusion  of  testimony  not  legal,  or  the  leaning  of  the 
jury  on  the  side  of  himself,  or  otherwise,  I  did  not  think  there 
was  nothing  in  the  having  brought  to  trial,  and  shaken  the 
prisoner  well  over  the  indictment,  or  rather  the  indictment 
over  him.  He  might  reform,  and  it  would  be  a  warning  to  him.* 

It  is  possible,  that  something  like  oppression  and  tyranny, 
or  bordering  on  these,  both  to  people  and  bar,  may  have 
been'complained  of  in  judges,  with  some  cause,  in  times  past, 
Is  it  to  be  supposed  that  what  has  taken  place,  has  contribu 
ted  nothing  to  arrest,  or  remove  this  grievance  ?  Would  not 
the  oppression  and  tyranny  seem  to  have  veered  to  the  other 
side  now,  and  to  be  found  in  some  degree,  if  not  with  the 
peuple,  at  least  ivith  the  bar?  It  has  seemed  to  me  to  be  sc> 
and  it  is  therefore,  but  an  emanation  of  my  feelings  when 
I  portray  in  my  imagination  the  disorder  of  untamed  animals 
admitted  to  be  advocates.  It  is  doubtless  a  caricature  of  what 
I  mean,  but  a  thing  has  usually  some  access  in  it,  to  be  felt 
as  the  proper  subject  of  a  caricature.  While  the  lawyer  has 
it  in  his  power  to  influence  his  client ;  and  even  to  excuse  his 
own  ignorance  or  errors,  by  the  loss  of  a  cause,  upon  a  judge, 
or  alleging  oppression,  the  client  can  apply  to  a  House  of 
Representatives,  and  the  judge,  of  course,  be  brought  down 
with  facility,  the  presumption  is,  that  he  will  bear  a  great 
deal  of  impertinence,  impudence,  and  irregularity,  before 
he  will  think  it  advisable  to  endanger  the  running  the  gaunti 
let,  by  entering  into  a  contest  with  a  powerful  member  ol" 
the  bar.  I  do  not  mean  powerful  in  point  of  talents;  for 

*  A  loyal  Scotch  clergyman  offered  up  the  following  prayer 
against  Bonaparte,  "  Take  him  gude  Lord  and  shake  him  weal  o'er 
the  bottomless  pit — hut  dinna  just  let  him  fa'  in." 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  209 

there  is  nothing  to  be  apprehended  from  men  of  ability  it  is 
from  the  uninformed  that  the  difficulty  arises ;  and  insults  are 
received  from  them,  because  it  is  in  the  instinct  of  their  na 
tures,  to  cover  their  defects  by  noise  and  arrogance;  or,  from  a 
want  of  knowledge,  they  think  themselves  monstrously  wrong 
ed,  when  they  have  the  fairest  hearing,  and  the  fullest  justice. 
The  suitors  of  the  court,  the  jurors,  the  circumstantibus,  or 
bystanders,  complain  of  the  length  of  speech  in  the  lawyers, 
and   of  the  judges  for  suffering    them.     There  was  a  time 
when  the  judges  might  have  taken  some  liberty  in  restraining, 
or  at  least  in  frowning  on  diffusiveness  of  explanation :  but 
more  caution  must  be  used  now,  lest  offence  should  be  given; 
judges  being  more  under  the  weather  than  formerly.     A  pru 
dent  man  in  a  judicial  station,  will  bear  for  the  present,  what 
he  will  not  always  bear ;  because  he  will  discern  that  this  is 
not  the  time  to  make  head ;   but  that  after  some  time,  the 
current  may  begin  to  set  in  a  different  direction ;   and  that 
may  then  succeed  which  now  would  but  strengthen  the  tide. 
Besides,  it  is  difficult  to  say  when  the  speech  is  too  long;  and 
it  may  be  a  question  whether  the   court  ought  to  be  suffered 
to  judge  of  that.    The  constitution  provides  that  a  man  shall 
be  heard   "  by  himself  or  his  counsel ;"  but  it  does  not  say 
how  long  he  fshall  be  heard.     Admit  the  court  may  have 
a  right  to  say,  that  the  speech  has  been  long  enough  as  to 
them,  have  they  a  right  to  say  that  it  has  been  long  enough 
for  the  jury?     How  can  they  tell  whether  the  jury  are  satis 
fied  ?     What  is  more  ;  is  it  the  court  or  jury  that  have  the 
right  to  say,  that  they  have  heard  enough;  or  is  the  suitor  or 
his  counsel  who  have  a  right  to  say,  we  have  not  been  suffi 
ciently  heard  ?     Tyranny  and  oppression,  in  refusing  to  hear, 
may  be  charged  ;   and  thus  it  is  a  matter  that  mast  depend 
a  good  deal  upon  the  temper  of  the  times,  and  upon  a  discreet 
discernment  of  what  is  practicable,  on  particular  occasions,  or 
with  particular  persons,    that  a  judge  must  determine  what 
to  do.     A  man  of  sense  at  the  bar,  is  easily  manageable ; 
but  a  weak  man  is  as  difficult  to  manage,  as  the  visionary 
philosopher's  panther. 


210  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

Do  our  representatives  in  our  legislative  bodies,  always  con 
fine  themselves  to  the  point,  though  they  may  to  the  question? 
In  other  words,  is  it  possible  to  keep  them,  in  order,  though 
it  may  be  to  call  them  to  order?  Is  it  found  possible  to  abridge 
their  harangues  while  breath  and  strength  of  lung  lasts  ?  If 
those  whose  business  is  not  speaking,  can  find  such  facility  in 
prolonging  a  discourse,  what  may  not  be  expected  of  such  as 
are  more  in  the  habit,  and  without  fatigueing  themselves, 
can  speak  interminably  ?  Were  our  orators  in  the  legisla 
tive  bodies  as  much  in  the  hearing  of  the  people,  as  the 
advocates  of  our  courts,  they  might  be  complained  of  as 
much  for  the  length  of  their  speeches.  In  the  courts,  it  is  no 
uncommon  thing  for  the  judges  to  express  a  weariness  of  the 
tediousness  of  counsel:  and  sometimes  to  attempt  to  bring 
them  to  the  point,  and  to  abridge  their  harangues ;  but  it 
will  seldom,  if  ever,  be  found  to  answer  any  end  but  to  pro 
long  the  discussion;  for  if  you  restrain  at  one  point,  there  will 
be  an  overflowing  at  another ;  and  it  being  like  to  come  to  an 
altercation,  which  is  indecent,  it  will  seem  best  to  give  up 
the  contest,  and  let  the  thing  take  its  course.  The  line  is  so 
delicate  between  unseasonable  interruption  by  the  court  in 
calling  to  the  point,  and  what  is  justifiable,  that  it  is  difficult 
tofix  it  without  doing  injustice,  and  impossible  without  giving 
dissatisfaction.  In  human  affairs,  there  is  no  reaching  the 
perfect  in  the  application  of  principle.  All  that  can  be  done 
is  to  come  as  near  it  as  possible,  by  a  just  discernment  of 
circumstances.  What  is  done,  may  be  blamed  ;  but  there 
might  be  more  blame,  had  the  contrary  been  done. 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

In  ivhich  the  subject  of  impeachment  is  gravely  pursued. 
THE  power  of  impeachment,  I  repeat,  is  the  most  salutary 


,Y : 
MODERN  CHIVALRY.  211 

principle  of  a  free  government.*  Where  there  is  a  full  scope 
for  this,  there  is  no  danger  of  convulsions:  and  there  is  a 
prospect  that  the  constitution  may  be  preserved.  Injus 
tice  may  be  done  :  no  doubt  of  that,  and  injustice  a  thousand 
times,  has  been  done.  But  it  is  the  fortune  de  guerre ;  the 
fate  of  war ;  in  other  words,  a  tacit  condition  of  the  accep 
tance  of  an  office.  It  Js  a  maxim  of  law,  qui  sentit  commo- 
dum  sentire  debet  et  onus.  A  good  book  might  be  written  on 
the  history  of  impeachments.  It  would  be  instructive,  and 
might  be  entertaining. 

I  would  like  to  see  the  sentiment  I  have  broached,  fully  de 
veloped;  and  the  history  of  impeached  characters  so  far  traced, 
as  to  see  whether  some  conduct  in  a  public  capacity,  or 
in  the  ways  and  means  of  getting  a  public  office,  or  appoint 
ment,  had  not  laid  the  foundation  of  the  ultimate  prosecution. 
The  presumption  is,  that  the  shoe  must  have  pinched  some 
where,  to  have  produced  that  uneasiness  which  has  been  felt; 
and  which  has  terminated  in  a  public  accusation.  And  in 
some  particular,  perhaps,  in  which  the  individual  may  have 
deserved  commendation  rather  than  blame  ;  but  upon  which 
it  has  been  thought  the  more  practicable  to  succeed,  taking 
into  view  the  prejudices  of  the  times.  Such  an  investigation 
of  causes  and  effects,  might  save  the  character  of  democratic 
governments  from  such  blame.  I  admit  it  would  not  perfectly 
justify  the  impeaching  for  one  cause,  while  another  was  more 
in  the  minds  of  the  public  ;  but  it  would  account  for  it,  and 
excuse  it.  One  is  less  shocked  at  the  imprisonment  and 
fine  of  Miltiades,  when  we  recollect  his  demand  of  an  olive 
crown  after  the  battle  of  Marathon.  It  was  answered  to  him, 
"  when  you  shall  conquer  alone,  it  will  be  time  enough  to  ask 

*  So  it  was  thought  at  the  time  of  framing  the  constitution,  but 
it  has  become,  as  respects  the  chief  magistrate,  a  dead  letter.  Un 
less,  in  the  anomalous  case  of  a  President  with  both  Houses  of 
Congress  opposed  to  him,  the  premise  could  not  be  carried  into 
effect.  Napoleon  and  his  nephew,  Louis,  destroyed  all  responsi 
bility,  by  taking  all  responsibility,  that  is  by  assuming  all  power 
in  themselves,  and  consequently  responsible  to  no  one.  The  idea 
of  an  American  President,  and  of  Louis  Napoleon,  I  take  the 
"  'responsibility,"  was  the  same. 


212  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

to  have  honors  paid  you  alone."  It  may  easily  be  seen,  from 
his  coveting  this  distinction,  that  his  ambition  was  not  suffi 
ciently  regulated  ;  and  it  may  be  inferred,  that  the  like  spirit , 
exhibited  in  other  instances,  may  hare  given  just  offence  to 
a  people  jealous  of  equality. 

I  have  known  a  man  in  office,  whose  sordid  mind  in  money 
matters,  appeared  to  me  to  render  him  undeserving  of  an  of 
fice  ;  and  though  this  could  not  render  him  liable  to  any  im 
peachment  ;  yet,  if  he  were  impeached  for  something  bor 
dering  on  what  was  impeachable,  there  would  be  a  predispo 
sition  to  be  reconciled  to  his  being  found  guilty.  For  no 
man  deserves  an  office  in  a  republic,  that  is  mean  in  money 
matters,  and  is  justly  chargeable  with  a  sordid  economy. 

Inordinate  self-love  in  the  accumulation  of  office,  in  a  sin 
gle  family,  is  at  all  times  obnoxious  to  popular  dislike  ;  and 
the  most  upright  discharge  of  a  public  function,  will  not 
atone  for  the  engrossing  money  in  one's  own  person,  or  that 
of  connections. 

One  consideration  ought  to  go  a  great  way  in  reconciling 
the  public  mind,  in  a  popular  government,  to  the  bearing 
these  things  when  they  occur,  that  nature  is  constantly  act 
ing  to  remove  the  grievance  by  death,  and  in  this  way  to 
bring  about  rotation  in  office.  Combinations  will  be  broken 
by  the  quiet  operation  of  this  general  law  ;  pluralities  will 
disappear  ;  and  the  poor  devil  that  is  disgracing  himself  by 
a  nearness  that  is  contemptible,  cannot  always  live  to  enjoy, 
if  he  may  be  ever  said  to  enjoy  the  savings  of  his  penury. 
In  the  mean  time,  it  is  a  satisfaction,  that  if  the  general  con 
tempt  is  not  felt  by  him,  it  is  felt  by  every  one  else. 

Where  a  man  is  liberal  in  his  private  dealings,  and  contri 
butes  to  objects  of  utility,  according  to  his  means,  he  is 
thought  to  be  deserving  of  office,  and  his  generosity  and  pub 
lic  spirit,  like  charity,  will  cover  a  multitude  of  sins.  It  is 
rare  that  sueh  a  character  becomes  the  subject  of  popular 
persecution.  Where  indeed  his  liberality  is  but  the  stilt  of 
his  ambition  ;  and  this  is  indulged  so  as  to  wound  the  self- 
love  of  others ;  we  need  not  wonder  if  it  draws  persecution. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  213 

The  most  manly  thing  I  know  in  the  histery  of  the  Roman 
senate,  is  the  impeaching  Manlius  Capitolinus.  Generosity 
and  public  spirit  on  his  part  had  showed  itself  to  be  but  the 
stilt  of  ambition.  That  is,  it  was  not  public  spirit,  but  inor 
dinate  self-love.  He  had  saved  Rome  in  defending  the  capi- 
tol ;  but  he  was  not  satisfied  with  the  consciousness  of  this, 
and  the  gratitude  of  his  country  on  all  occasions  expressed  ; 
but  he  must  be  the  only  man  of  any  name  in  the  State.  With 
a  view  to  this,  what  were  his  arts  ?  Affecting  to  be  the  advo 
eate  of  all  confined  for  debt ;  paying  debts  himself  for  some 
vrith  ostentation;  showing  his  wounds  and  scars,  and  per 
petually  talking  of  defending  the  capitol;  harangueing  against 
the  senate,  and  charging  them  with  concealing  the  public 
treasures:  remonstrating  with  the  community  on  their  not 
knowing  their  own  strength,  and  doing  themselves  justice  in 
the  government.  From  these  arts,  such  was  his  influence  with 
the  body  of  the  people,  that  even  the  dictator,  Cornelius  Cras- 
sus,  the  second  after  Romulus,  who  had  taken  the  spolia  opi- 
ma,  and  who  was  created  dictator  for  this  purpose,  amongst, 
others,  of  checking  the  sedition,  dreaded  it  more  than  the 
war  against  the  Volsci,  which  he  was  obliged  first  to  meet. 
For  though  returning  victorious  over  the  enemy,  and  armed 
with  the  honor  of  a  triumph,  yet  he  considered  the  contest  at 
home  as  the  more  formidable ;  and  though  he  had  ordered 
him  into  custody;  yet  had  not  thought  it  advisable  to  proceed 
farther  against  him.  It  was  thought  that  his  abdicating  the 
dictatorate,  which  he  did  at  this  time,  was  owing  to  his  not 
choosing  to  meet  the  tempest  that  was  breaking  out  on  behalf 
of  this  demagogue  to  liberate  him  from  the  prison.  The 
counsels  now  chosen  and  the  senate,  were  in  consternation, 
when,  at  the  proposition  of  the  two  tribunes  of  the  people, 
Marcus  Moenius,  and  Quintus  Publius,  the  bold  measure  was 
adopted  of  charging  him  before  the  people  themselves,  and 
bringing  him  to  an  impeachment.  The  result  was  that  the 
very  people  rallying  onward  to  support  him,  were  arrested  in 
a  moment  at  the  idea  of  guilt  charged  upon  him,  and  them 
vol.4  ,1  8. 


214  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

selves  made  the  judges.  What  was  the  charge  ?  Why  sim 
ply  that  of  attempting  to  destroy  the  balance  of  government, 
by  inflaming  the  populace,  and  running  down  the  senate. 
Yet  strange  as  it  may  seem,  this  very  populace,  who  were  al-, 
leged  to  be  the  subjects  of  his  arts,  and  the  means  of  his 
treason,  in  a  fair  examination  found  him  guilty ;  and  in  or 
der  to  stamp  his  conduct  with  perpetual  disgrace,  it  was  pro 
vided  that  no  one  of  the  family  of  Manlius,  should  ever  bear 
the  name  of  Marcus,  which  was  his  name.  He  was  thrown 
from  the  Tarpeian  rock  like  the  vilest  of  criminals. 


CHAPTER  XXXVII. 

Experiments  of  the  visionary  philosopher.     The  school  is  bro 
ken  up  by  a  summary  process. 

THE  visionary  philosopher,  having  as  we  have  seen,  put 
himself  at  the  head  of  an  institution  for  teaching  beasts,  had 
collected  sundry  of  what  he  considered  the  most  docile  ani 
mals.  He  had  in  his  academy,  as  it  might  be  called,  under 
scholastic  discipline,  a  baboon,  a  pet  squirrel,  a  young  bear, 
and  half  a  dozen  of  pigs,  &e.  &c.  The  squirrel,  as  in  the 
case  of  young  masters,  with  the  sons  of  rich  people,  he  en 
couraged  or  coaxed,  to  get  his  task  by  giving  him  nuts  to 
crack ;  and  the  pigs,  by  giving  them  rinds  of  pompions,  or 
parings  of  apples ;  the  bear  and  the  baboon  in  like  manner, 
by  something  in  their  way  :  a 'id  so  with  all  the  others.  Some 
he  intimidated  by  the  ferule  and  the  birch.  He  was  instruct 
ing  them  according  to  the  Lancasterian  mode,  or  method,  to 
make  marks  on  sand,  and  to  write  before  they  began  to  read.* 

*  I  will  produce  an  instance  almost  equal  to  the  visionary  phi 
losopher,  in  a  late  author's  work  on  mesmerism,  who  is  per 
fectly  serious.  "  It  happened  me  one  day  to  magnetise  a  cat  for 
an  entire  hour.  I  sweat  large  drops  of  sweat  at  it.  At  length  I 
fancied  I  had  succeeded,  when  the  fall  of  a  dish  suddenly  dissipa 
ted  the  illusion.  The  villainous  beast  which  feigned  to  sleep,  now 
flew  off  my  knees.  Another  experiment  was  tried  on  a  young 
dog,  which  after  a  dozen  passes,  seemed  to  sleep.  But  was  it  the 
magnetic  sleep  ?" 


MODERN    CHIVALRY,  215 

Things  were  going  on  very  well,  to  all  appearance,  and  to 
the  satisfaction  of  the  tutor,  when  a  catastrophe,  which  now 
took  place,  brought  the  matter  to  a  conclusion.  It  wa»  not 
.from  the  lady  who  had  brought  the  pet  squirrel  to  be 
taught,  though  she  had  expressed  some  impatience  at  the  fa 
vorite  not  making  a  more  rapid  progress,  because  she  was 
sure  it  had  genius.  But  she  had  forbidden  the  professor  to 
use  the  rod  ;  and  what  ground  could  she  have  to  expect  a  close 
application,  and  a  quickness  of  perception  without  a  stimulus 
to  the  mind,  by  the  feelings  of  the  body  ?  However,  it  was 
not  from  the  lady  taking  away  her  scholar,  or  that  of  any  of 
the  other  employer  and  subscribers  withdrawing  their  rab 
bits,  or  other  students,  but  from  that  wicked  fellow,  Will 
Watlin,  followed  by  Harum  Scarum  with  a  switch,  who,  break 
ing  into  the  menagerie,  exclaimed  to  the  professor,  or  princi 
pal;  it  is  not  of  much  consequence  now  which  he  is  called: — 
What,  said  he  to  the  master  of  the  hall,  is  it  in  imitation  of 
your  pupils,  that  you  are  in  your  bare  buff?  Sans  cullottes, 
have  you  nothing  to  cover  your  nakedness  ?  Had  you  put 
yourself  in  your  sherry vallies,  or  overalls,  there  would  have 
been  some  decency — Everything  is  French  now-a-days.  Is  it 
French  that  you  are  teaching  these  to  speak  or  write?  I  see 
a  baboon  there  ;  Louis,  I  suppose,  is  his  name.  He  will 
learn  French  fast  enough,  if  that  is  all  you  have  put  upon  his 
hands.  He  was  a  Frenchman  as  far  back  as  Arbuthnot.  The 
squirrel  may  chatter  something,  and  it  may  sound  to  us  like 
French.  Do  you  mean  to  make  the  bear  a  parles-vous?  No 
wonder  that  the  two  John  Bulls,  senior  and  junior,  the  old 
and  the  New  England,  should  talk  of  French  influence.  Do 
you  expect  your  pigs  will  make  officers  under  Bonaparte,  in 
terpreters,  perhaps  ?  I  would  have  you  know  that  we  have 
too  much  French  amongst  us  already.  If  the  French  should 
come  over  to  us  in  an  oyster-shell ;  for  I  do  not  see  what  else 
they  have  to  come  over  in  ;  and  this  they  could  not  do  unless, 
like  Scotch  witches,  there  might  be  some  use  in  currying  fa 
vor  with  Napoleon. 


216  MODERN   CHIVALRY. 

But  is  the  discipline  of  your  school  correct,  even  if  there 
was  something  to  be  taught  that  would  be  of  use  in  science, 
in  agriculture,  or  in  commerce  ?  Do  you  instruct  them  in 
history  or  good  breeding ;  to  keep  their  persons  clean,  to 
pare  their  nails,  and  shavfc  their  beards  those  of  them  that 
are  grown  gentlemen  ?  That  fellow  there  the  racoon,  does 
not  appear  to  me  to  have  had  his  beard  shaved  these  two 
weeks.  Do  you  keep  him  from  spitting  on  the  floor,  and  other 
indecencies?  Do  you  permit  him  to  chew  tobacco?  It  is 
true,  I  do  not  see  any  of  them,  with  a  cigar  in  his  teeth,  like 
the  American  monkies  and  oppossums,  the  greater  part  of 
them  of  a  bad  family  education  ;  and  so  farewell.  Bat  that 
mongrel  between  the  terrier  and  the  pointer  breed,  with  a  col 
lar  on  his  neck,  may  be  said  to  have  a  collar  without  a  shirt 
to  it.  Away  with  you,  away. 

With  that  Will  Watlin  drawing  his  wattle,  and  Harum 
Scarum  using  his  switch,  they  began  to  lay  about  them.  The 
monkey  leaped,  the  pigs  squealed,  the  squirrel  chattered  and 
ran  into  his  cage,  the  bear  growled,  the  pointer  howled,  &c. 
&c.  &c.  The  education  was  thus  interrupted,  and  the  insti 
tution  broken  up. 


CHAPTER    XX XV III. 

Teague  complains  of  neglect,  and  desires  a  better  office. 

THE  bog-trotter  complaining  of  neglect,  alleging  his  servi 
ces  at  the  original,  establishment  of  the  government  in  trail 
ing  a  pine  log,  and  thereby  intimidating  the  populace  at  his 
coming  to  the  settlement,  the  Governor  was  constrained  to 
give  him  an  office ;  and  selecting  one  for  which  he  thought 
he  might  be,  in  some  respects,  qualified,  he  made  him  an  auc 
tioneer.  It  could  not  be  said  that  he  had  not  a  pretty  strong 
voice:  and  in  knocking  down  an  article  with  his  mallet, 
''once,  twice,  three  times,"  with  the  assistance  of  a  clerk,  the 
sales  were  pretty  rapidly  effected.  Occasionally  he  made  a 
blunder,  as  knocking  down  a  frying  pan,  and  at  anotheivtime 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  217 

a  brass  kettle,  he  run  too  long,  because  the  sound  pleased 
him.  All  agreed  that  he  made  aprejty  good  vendue  master 
with  the  aid  of  his  clerk:  but  still  he  was  not  satisfied  ;  and 
an  ambassador  being  about  to  be  appointed  to  the  Barbary 
powers,  he  was  willing  to  go  to  Algiers,  Tunis,  or  Tripoli. 
His  friends  favored  his  pretension,  Thady  O'Connor,  and  some 
others,  who  had  an  expectation  of  accompanying;  Thady  as 
secretary,  and  others  in  different  offices.  The  Governor  re 
sisted  the  application  on  tha  ground  that  one  office  was  enough 
at  a  time.  His  resignation  even  would  not  justify  it ;  be 
cause  it  would  look  as  if  there  was  a  penury  of  men  of  talents, 
when  it  behooved  to  take  one  from  his  duty,  as  if  another 
person  could  not  be  found  who  was  as  well  qualified.  The 
junto  spoke  of  the  appointment  of  John  Jay  to  the  court  of 
London,  while  he  was  chief  justice,  not  resigning  ;  and  of 
Ellsworth,  also  a  chief  justice,  in  a  similar  situation. 
These  things  were  all  wrong,  said  the  Governor. 
Could  Washington  do  wrong?  said  a  stickler  on  the  side 
of  the  bog-trotter.  Yes,  said  the  Governor,  and  Adams  and 
Jefferson  too.  I  will  not  say  but  my  bog-trotter  might  make 
a  very  good  ambassador,  with  instructions  and  the  advantage 
of  a  secretary  ;  but  is  Teague  O'Regan  alone,  in  all  the  land, 
to  be  siLgled  out  for  this  trust?  After  searching  the  whole 
country  from  Dan  to  Beer-Sheba,  can  I  find  no  other  that  can 
sustain  the  weight  of  this  negotiation?  If  I  do  appoint  him, 
he  must  resign  his  place  as  auctioneer ;  and  does  he  know 
that  the  Algerines  are  Turks  ?  And  if  he  goes  there,  I  mean^ 
to  the  Barbary  coast,  he  must  be  circumcised,  and  loose- 
Loose  what?  said  Thady  O'Connor. 

I  will  not  say  what,  said  the  Governor  ;  but  you  may  guess. 
There  is  more  effect  in  a  hint,  than  when  the  story  is  spo 
ken  out ;  and  therefore  Thady,  and  the  auctioneer  also,  their 
imagination  outrunning  their  judgment,  and  their  fears  their 
ambition,  concluded  it  would  be  best  to  stick  to  the  hammer 
and  for  Teague  to  remain  crier  of  vendues,  and  Thady  O'Con 
nor  clerk. 

vol.  4, 18.* 


218  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


CHAPTER   XXXIX. 

Why  is  there  more  talent  in  the  new  settlement  than  in  the  old  ? 

WHAT  is  the  reason  that  there  is  usually  more  talent  in 
the  new  settlements  than  in  the  old  ?  Is  it  the  fact  ?  That 
would  lead  to  a  discussion  of  some  delicacy,  and  induce  com 
parison,  which  according  to  the  proverb  is  odious.  But  there 
is  doubtless  some  ground  for  the  assertion,  that  our  ablest  or 
ators,  and  best  generals,  have  come  from  the  West,  or  the 
new  States.  Washington,  and  Patrick  Henry,  may  be  re 
garded  as  frontier  men.  Harrison,  Brown,  and  Jackson,  have 
been  our  best  generals,  during  the  present  war.*  Clay,  of 
Kentucky,  is  rapidly  rising  in  fame ;  Crawford,  and  a  relative 
of  mine,  John  Brackenridge,  are  among  the  best  speakers  in 
Congress.  But  admitting  this  superiority  to  be  a  fact,  can 
any  cause  be  assigned  ?  Sometimes  it  is  accident.  Salust 
in  his  introduction  to  the  Bellum  Catalinum,  asks,  how  came 
it  that  the  Roman  State  rose  to  such  eminence,  the  Greek  be 
ing  before  it  in  the  arts,  and  the  Gauls  in  valor  ?  Reflecting 
on  the  subject  he  resolves  it  unto  the  circumstances,  of  a  few 
great  men  having  risen  in  it. 

Nevertheless,  though  it  may  sometimes  be  a  matter  of  cas 
ualty,  yet  it  would  seem  to  me,  that  it  cannot  well  be  other 
wise,  but  that  in  new  countries,  the  human  genius  will  receive 
a  spring,  which  it  cannot  have  in  the  old.  But  the  cause  lies 
deeper  ;  and  in  this  the  strongest  minds,  and  the  most  enter 
prising,  go  there.  The  men  who  go  forth  to  seek  their  for 
tunes  gives  proof  of  superior  innate  energy  and  vigor.  They 
are  thrown  upon  the  vigor  of  their  own  intellect,  and  are 
necessarily  reself  liant.  Why  is  it  that  subterranean  fire 

*The  author  died  in  1810,  these  few  last  chapters,  were  writ 
ten  a  year  before  his  death. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  219 

bursts  from  the  earth,  but  that  it  has  an  energy  that  breaks 
through  obstructions,  and  ascends  to  a  higher  element  ?  The 
plodding  cub  stays  at  home,  while  the  more  active  taterde- 
mallion,  quits  his  parental  roof,  and  goes  to  build  a  cabin,  in 
the  wild  woods'  of  Tennessee,  or  elsewhere.  The  same  elas 
ticity  and  spirit  of  mind  which  brought  him  there,  gives  him 
distinction  where  he  is.  The  independence  of  his  situation 
contributes  to  this  ;  fettered  by  no  obligation,  and  kept  down 
by  superiority  of  standing.  Why  is  it  in  the  arts,  that  an 
age  of  great  men,  cannot  but  be  succeeded  by  an  inferiority 
of  power  ?  This  holds  true  in  poetry,  which  is  the  province 
of  the  imagination.  Why  did  the  slaves  on  a  certain  occasion, 
yield  to  their  master's  whips  ?  It  was  owing  to  the  subjuga 
tion  of  habit.  People  accustomed  to  look  up  to  the  superior 
ity  of  others,  are  discouraged  in  their  efforts,  even  when  un 
consciously  possessed  of  higher  powers. 

But  there  is  aleio  something  invigorating  and  inspiring  in 
a  new  country,  in  the  very  newness,  freshness,  and  elasticity 
of  nature.  The  streams  of  a  new  country,  at  least  it  is  so  in 
this  Western  wilderness,  flow  more  abundantly,  and  the 
springs  burst  more  plentifully.  This  is  ^  owing  to  these  beau 
tiful  native  forests,  which  we,^re  hastening  to  destroy.  Noth 
ing  distresses  me  more  than  to  see  this  thoughtless  destruc 
tion.  Those  groves  not  only  attract  the  clouds,  and  cause 
them  to  descend  in  showers,  but  every  leaf  is  a  cup  to  retain 
the  precious  element  which  runs  down  the  trunk  and  branches 
of  the  trees,  and  is  conducted  by  the  roots  through  the  soft 
and  spungy  earth,  decked  with  mosses  and  shrubs,  until  it 
sinks  into  the  subterranean  caverns  and  reservoirs.  Thence 
the  springs  break  forth  from  the  sides  of  the  hills  where  the 
ravines  are  laid  open.  How  different  from  the  barren  and 
naked  earth,  where  the  ground  is  baked  hard  by  the  sun,  and 
the  unfrequent  rains,  or  rather  torrents,  or  melting  snows, 
disappear  at  once  from  the  surface,  and  are  carried  off  through 
some  ravine  which  becomes  parched  and  dry  in  summer. 


220  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

Who  with  proper  reflection  would  wantonly  destroy  those 
beautiful  groves  which  cover  our  hill-tops. 

Let  our  Western  prairies,  be  again  covered  with  wOods, 
and  streams  and  fountains  will  once  more  be  seen,  the  cli 
mate  will  improve,  and  the  soil  become  more  fertile.  What 
a  change  must  be  effected  in  such  a  country  as  Spain,  if  her 
plains  were  dotted  with  forests,  as  they  probably  once  were,  but 
are  now  wide  uninhabited  wastes?  I  was  delighted  with  the 
cascades  of  a  new  country,  where  the  cool  water,  shaded  by 
overhanging  trees  tumbles  over  the  rocks,  with  a  musical 
sound,  inviting  one  to  bathe,  the  mossy  bank  to  undress  upon, 
and  the  deep  shades,  or  grottos  to  conceal  from  the  nymphs. 
There  is  no  fear  of  any  one  else  there,  unless  perhaps  a  young 
girl  looking  for  the  cows,  who  would  not  much  mind  it,  being 
used  to  see  people  without  much  covering,  nor  much  caring 
whether  they  had  any.  For  it  is  in  cities,  and  the  abodes 
of  luxury,  and  false  delicacy,  where  we  depart  from  the  sim 
plicity  of  Eve  in  Paradise,  who 

*'  Clouted  Adam's  grey  breaks." 

or  pantaloons,  when  he  had  a  pair,  that  this  excessive  mod 
esty  of  manners  prevails,  without  always  a  corresponding 
modesty  in  the  mind. 


CIIAPTEE   XL. 

The  most  difficult  of  all  things  is  to  govern  men.     Public  opin 
ion  the  great  lever  of  modern  times. 

TAKE  the  individual  man  and  how  difficult  it  is  to  govern 
him  I  Between  the  boy  and  the  man,  that  difficulty  begins, 
and  it  is  then  the  greatest ;  from  the  time  that  the  voice  be 
gins  to  break  the  treble  of  the  juvenile  age,  to  the  counter  of 
of  that  of  manhood.  Here  we  have  to  do  with  the  confidence 
of  feeling  some  power  of  mind,  and  the  insolence  of  incxpcri- 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  221 

ence.     It  is  the  same  with  men  in  the   aggregate  of  society. 
The  difficulty  lies  in  reconciling  freedom  with  subordination. 
That  freedom   which  is  necessary  to  a  nations  development, 
of  all  the  nobler  qualities,  and  that  restraint,  which  prevents 
it  from  running  into  excesses   and  follies.     It  is  like  flying 
a  kite,  which  must  have  string  to  soar  into  the  clouds,  yet  if 
pulled  too  hard  against  a  gust  of  wind,  the  string  may  beeak. 
A  constitution  has  been  formed,  after  mature  consideration, 
and  adapted  to  the  state  of  the  society.     But  the  young  in 
years,  and  the  young  in  the  country,  and  the  visionary  phi 
losopher,  think  they  can  make  it  better.     They  are  sanguine 
of  temperament,  and  take  it  for  granted  that  the  world  has 
never  before  seen  such  creatures  as  they  are.     That,  whatev* 
er  errors,  others  have  committed  in  like  situations,  they  will 
have  the  judgment  to  avoid.     The  free  movements  within, 
will  in  time,  conform  to  a  general  system,  as  in  the  heavenly 
bodies  ;  but  without  this  we  have  chaos,  or  anarchy.     It  is 
not  until  by  disappointment,  and  the  vexation  attendant  upon 
it,  that  men  can  learn  to  know  themselves,  and  to  place  a  low 
er  estimate  on  their  abilities,  and  discretion.     A  man  must 
be  forty  years  of  age,  said  Lord  Treasurer  Burleigh,  before 
he  begins  to   suspect  that  he  is  a  fool,  and  fifty  before  he 
knows  it !     On  the  same  principle,  an  individual  must  have 
lived  a  long  time  in.  a  republic,  before  he  can  be  a  republi 
can.     Some  have  gone  as  far  as  to  say,  he  must  have  been 
born  and  brought  up,  under  a  republican  government,  to  have 
the  habits  and  way  of  thinking  of  a  republican.     Kollin,   I 
think,  says  he  must  have  lived  at  least  fifty  years,  before  he 
is  fit  to  be  trusted  with  affairs.     It  would  be  an  unjust  infer 
ence  from  these  observations,  that  I  have]a  bearing  to  absolute 
government,  or  that  I  am  not  liberal  towards  foreigners.     I 
might  with  more  justice,  be  charged  with  being  ultra  the 
other  way.     Neither  am  I  in  favor  of  rendering  any  changes 
in  the  constitution  impossible;  they  should  be  slow,  and  dif 
ficult,  and  should  rather  grow  out  of  the  radical  changes  in 
the  structure  of  the  society  itself.     Yet  a  ires  constitution, 


222  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

strongly  consolidated  by  the  habits  of  the  people,  may  for 
a  long  time,  resist  the  effects  of  despotic  influence. 

Our  federal  constitution  pays  some  regard  to  age,  and  the 
presumption  of  experience,  by  requiring  the'  Representative 
to  be  twenty-five,  and  the  Senator  thirty  years  of  age,  but  it 
is  the  duty  of  the  constituent  to  go  beyond  this,  and  to  choose 
only  those  who  are  known  to  be  among  the  wisest,  and  most 
experienced.  If  this  were  attended  to,  as  it  ought,  we  should 
have  less  of  that  rawness,  and  intemperance,  in  our  public 
bodies,  that  so  often  detracts  from  the  respect  in  which  they 
ought  to  be  held.  Young  cocks  should  never  be  heard  to 
crow  in  the  Senate  house,  or  young  whelps  to  bark  in  the 
other  chambers,  The  Scripture  says,  "  bray  a  fool  in  a  mor 
tar,  and  he  will  not  be  wise."  All  length  of  time,  all  expe 
rience,  from  the  consequence  of  his  errors,  will  not  correct. 
But  he  must  be  a  fool  indeed,  an  idiot,  who  will  not  derive 
some  advantage,  from  what  he  has  seen  and  suffered.  Age, 
on  this  account  alone,  is  of  importance.  When  a  member 
has  made  a  speech  of  some  hours,  in  a  deliberative  body,  and 
finds  he  grows  no  taller,  in  reputation,  he  will  be  disposed  to 
abridge  his  ventriloquy  on  other  occasions,  for  I  call  it  ventril 
oquy  ;  it  deserves  no  better  name.  In  courts  of  justice,  where 
the  rights  of  parties  are  involved,  more  latitude  is  to  be  al 
lowed.  There,  a  patient  hearing  is  a  virtue  in  a  judge,  al 
though  already  convinced  by  the  mere  stating  of  the  propo 
sition.  The  quality  of  a  good  listener  in  a  judge,  is  a  virtue; 
it  is  said  to  te  possessed  in  an  eminent  degree,  by  the  Chief 
Justice  of  the  United  States,*  and  is  one  reason  of  the  high 
esteem,  in  which  he  is  held. 

There  is  no  moral  truth,  whose  weight  can  be  fully  felt, 
without  experience.  What  do  I  mean  by  moral  truth  ?  I 
mean  that  which  depends  on  the  nature  of  man,  and  is  the 
foundation  of  his  actions.  This  is  the  same  as  moral  philos 
ophy,  which  we  are  continually  studying  in  everything  we 

*  Marshall. 


MODERN     CHIVALRY,  223 

see,  or  hear,  or  read,  although  there  are  some,  who  pretend  to 
make  it  a  distinct  science.  Who  would  believe  without  ex 
perience,  that  it  is  so  difficult  a  thing  to  govern  the  rational 
being  man  ?  The  most  simple  way,  and  doubtless  the  most 
effectual,  is  the  same  by  which  you  would  govern  that  which 
we  call  the  rational  or  half  rational  animals — that  is  with 
the  bridle,  the  goad,  or  the  whip-  But  this  is  despotism, 
the  very  thing,  of  all  others,  we  wish  to  avoid.  It  is  the  very 
opposite  of  democracy.  It  is  the  naked  sword,  the  emblem 
of  power,  and  the  immediate  or  ultimate  resort,  under  all  gov 
ernments. 

An  individual  at  the  head  of  an  organization,  supported 
by  an  army,  and  a  host  of  civil  officers,  may  command  mil 
lions,  and  keep  them  in  subjection  ;  but  in  this  case,  no  one 
can  be  allowed  a  will  of  his  own,  to  the  smallest  extent.  If 
the  two  legged  thing,  that  calls  himself  a  man,  under  such  a 
government,  should  attempt  to  speak,  or  act  for  himself,  off 
his  head  goes,  scalp  and  all,  and  there  is  an  end  of  the  dis 
turbance.  What  was  to  hinder  Napoleon,  from  converting 
the  whole  of  the  peasantry  of  France,  into  serfs  like  those 
of  Russia?  He  had  the  same  power  with  the  Russian  Empe 
ror.  There  is  one  way,  the  opposite  of  this — which  is  to  let 
the  multitude  alone  altogether,  and  then  there  is  anarchy  and 
no  government.  If  you  let  them  alone,  it  does  not  suit  very 
well,  for  in  that  case,  they  rob  and  plunder,  and  there  is  no 
security ;  and  there  being  no  security,  there  is  no  industry, 
and  consequently  no  improvement  in  the  arts,  or  ameliora 
tion  in  the  condition  of  man ;  on  the  contrary,  everything 
would  go  back  to  barbarism,  if  despotism,  were  not  called  to 
the  rescue  ;  and  after  a  very  short  trial,  this  would  be  the 
case  with  all  but  the  incorrigible  vagabonds,  or  visionary  phi 
losophers.  If  you  undertake  to  restrain  their  passions,  how 
will  you  do  it  without  force,  or  persuasion  ?  Persuasion, 
will  go  but  little  way  with  a  man  that  is  hungry,  to  hinder 
him  from  putting  his  paw  upon  whatever  eatable  is  before 
him.  It  must  then  be  force;  government  must  therefore,  in 


224.  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

the  first  instance,  be  founded  on  fear,  coercion,  power,  figu 
ratively — the  sword.  It  is  but  a  conceit  of  Montesquine,  to 
found  a  republic  on  the  principle  of  Virtue,  and  a  monarchy 
on  that  of  Honor ;  they  are  both  more  or  less  founded  on 
virtue,  as  well  as  fear ;  that  is,  the  fear  of  a  present  or  future 
evil,  added  to  force  to  be  applied  when  necessary.  It  is,  in 
deed,  to  be  hoped,  that  reason,  and  affection,  under  the  en 
abling  and  enlightning  influence  of  free  institutions,  will  in 
time,  in  a  great  degree,  supercede  this  degrading  power.  The 
schools  of  public  instruction,  aided  and  sustained  by  that 
great  lever,  public  opinion  must  follow  up  the  work  ;  and  it 
has  my  best  wishes  for  its  success.  I  hope  I  have  contribu 
ted  a  little  towards  it  in  this  book,  consisting  of  what  some 
are  pleased  to  call  fooleries.  The  schools,  to  which  I  allude, 
are  the  pulpit,  the  press,  the  courts  of  justice,  and  the  politi 
cal  institutions  in  general,  the  common,  and  all  other  schools, 
of  course  included.  I  do  not  say  anything  as  to  the  duties 
of  the  pulpit,  in  matters  of  pure  religion,  because  my  book 
relates  to  social  and  political  subjects,  and  I  speak  with  ref 
erence  to  its  effect  here.  The  attendance  of  men,  women, 
and  children,  on  the  observance  of  public  worship,  lays  the 
broadest  foundation  for  private  and  social  morality,  hence 
the  duties  of  the  pulpit,  are  of  the  first  importance,  in  teach 
ing  in  detail,  the  great  lesson  of  man's  duty — "  to  do  justly — 
love  mercy — and  walk  humbly  before  God/'  It  is  to  this  our 
great  democratic  experiment  tends,  which  ought  not  to  be 
founded  onforceor  honor,  but  on  the  wisdom  and  happiness 
of  the  people. 

What  we  have  seen  in  this  new  settlement,  is  a  picture  of 
the  credulity  and  restlessness  of  man,  and  his  constant  strug. 
gle  to  break  through  that  salutary  organization  of  power,  by 
which  he  is  restrained  from  that,  to  which  his  passions 
prompt,  to  his  own  injury  and  the  injury  of  others.  He  will 
endeavor  to  break  through,  by  talking  of  changing  the  modes 
of  government.  But  it  is  not  the  modes,  but  the  being  gov 
erned  at  all,  that  annoys  him.  A  constitution,  is  that  organi- 


MODERN     CHIVLARY.  225 

sation  by  which  a  man  is  governed  by  rules  that  apply  to 
every  individual  of  the  community  ;  and  from  which  no  one 
is  exempt,  but  all  are  bound  to  obey  ;  binding  the  highest, 
and  affording  protection  to  the  lowest ;  yet  leaving  the  widest 
possible  scope  of  personal  freedom;  this  .is  a  constitutional  de 
mocracy.  But  the  frequent  changing  the  parts  of  the  consti 
tution,  and  altering  its  structure,  begets  the  desire  of  change; 
and  like  a  dislocated  bone,  must  produce  a  weak  joint.  It 
ought  to  be  some  great  palpable  defect,  on  all  hands  admitted, 
that  would  justify  a  change,  and  not  for  the  sake  of  mere 
experiment.  The  one  half  of  the  effect  of  laws,  or  general 
rules,  is  the  being  acted  under.  It  injures  a  saddle-horse  to 
put  him  in  harness ;  because  he  must  change  his  gaits.  There 
are,  of  course,  in  every  society,  individuals  here  and  there, 
of  remarkable  superiority,  who,  as  it  were,  have  a  light  with 
in  themselves,  as  if  enjoying  a  portion  of  inspiration  direct 
from  the  divinity,  and  governed  by  a  godlike  impulse  ;  just 
as  on  the  other  hand,  there  are  some  who  seem  to  have  been 
born  devils,  and  are  as  incorrigible  from  the  beginning. 

Public  opinion,  I  repeat,  is  the  great  lever  in  a  democracy ; 
and  the  more  enlightened  the  great  body  of  the  people  are, 
the  more  powerful  will  that  opinion  be,  at  least  so  far  as  re 
spects  the  more  complicated  questions  of  State  policy.  There 
are  instinctive  impulses,  which  at  times,  pervade  the  most  il 
literate  masses,  which  go  before  reason,  and  profound  reflec 
tion.  Under  monarchies,  these  are  considered  dangerous, 
and  altogether  repressed  ;  in  democracies,  they  should  be  re 
strained,  within  reasonable  bounds,  by  force,  when  they 
break  out  into  acts,  and  by  reason,  and  persuasion,  when  they 
do  not. 


vol.  4;  19. 


226  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

CHAPTER   XLI. 

The  visionary  Philosopher  once  more. 

THE  visionary  philosopher,  notwithstanding  the  want  of 
of  success  which  attended  his  speculations,  had  still  great 
weight  amongst  the  people  ;  or,  in  the  common  phrase,  ''had 
a  large  share  of  popularity."  It  had  been  suggested  that  it 
behooved  to  impose  taxes  for  the  support  of  government. 
What?  said  the  philosopher,  have  you  not  got  a  constitution; 
and  cannot  a  constitution  work  without  taxes  ?  At  all  events, 
what  is  called  an  impost,  may  suffice. 
An  impost ;  what  is  that  ?  said  a  man  amongst  the  crowd. 
Why,  an  imposition,  said  another,  what  else  could  it  be  ! 
Impost,  has  nothing  to  do  with  imposition,  said  the  philos 
opher.  Which  is  to  knock  down  a  man  when  he  comes  into  the 
settlement,  and  take  his  money  from  him.  The  English  have 
what  they  call  a  poll-tax,  or  a  tax  upon  scalps.  It  cannot  but 
raise  a  good  sum  from  the  red  people,  who  take  so  many  from 
the  whites.  In  some  governments,  they  tax  boots. 

Would  it  not  be  better  to  lay  a  tax  upon  legs,  as  being  more 
easy  to  be  collected,  and  less  liable  to  evasion  ?  said  an  hon 
est  man. 

Of  all  taxes,  said  one  in  answer ;  I  think  this  would  be  the 
most  easily  evaded ;  because  a  man  could  run  away  with  his 
legs. 

Robbing  people  that  come  into  the  settlement,  will  not  do, 
said  one ;  at  least  for  a  permanent  revenue  ;  because  it  will 
keep  people  from  coming.  I  am  against  all  constraint  upon 
ourselves,  or  any  one  else.  I  propose  voluntary  and  occa 
sional  contributions. 

You  propose  a  fiddle,  said  his  opponent.  Voluntary,  and 
occasional  I  Do  you  conceive  a  man  could  spare  a  pound  of 
flesh,  or  an  ounce  of  blood,  occasionally  for  any  great  length 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  227 

of  time  ?  He  might  bear  the  first  slash,  but  he  would  wince 
at  the  second. 

Loans,  loans,  said  a  financier;  you  have  nothing  more  to  do 
than  to  borrow  a  million  now  and  then,  when  you  are  out  of 
money. 

Why,  if  robbing  pedlars  will  not  do,  said  the  visionary 
philosopher,  I  think  loans  must  be  the  next  resort. 

A  rcretty  noise  we  have  made  about  a  constitution,  said  a 
smart  looking  man  in  a  pair  of  leather  breeches ;  if  there 
must  be  force  constantly  applied  to  the  wheels ;  and  money 
expended  to  keep  it  going. 

How  can  a  machine  go  unless  it  be  worked,  said  a  man 
with  a  slouched  hat — without  some  to  work  it ;  and  how  can 
it  be  wrought  without  hands  ?  I  mean  persons  hired  for  the 
purpose  ;  and  if  hired,  they  must  be  paid.  ;tk 

At  this  point  of  the  game,  a  simpleton  came  forward,  and 
spoke  as  follows:— Gentlemen,  said  he,  I  am  but  a  fool  fellow, 
a  mere  ass,  a  sheep,  and  what  not,  but  I  do  not  see  how  we 
can  borrow,  unless  we  expect  to  pay ;  and  if  what  is  bor 
rowed  is  to  be  paid,  why  not  pay  in  the  first  instance  ? 

That  will  not  do,  said  an  artful  member  ;  we  will  be  turned 
out,  if  we  lay  a  tax ;  the  people  must  be  cheated  by  our  bor 
rowing  in  the  mean  time,  and  leaving  it  to  those  that  come 
after  us  to  lay  a  tax,  and  pay. 

What  use  in  having  a  general  financier,  said  the  multi 
tude,  if  he  cannot  make  money  out  of  chips  and  whet-stones  ? 
If  nothing  more  is  to  be  done,  than  to  count  the  money,  or 
cast  up  the  tax  when  it  is  paid  into  him,  any  cod-head  may 
do  that. 

A  financier  may  do  a  great  deal  more  than  that,  said  an 
intelligent  person.  He  may  determine  and  report  upon  what 
tax  may  be  best  laid,  and  to  what  amount.  But  if  he  hesitate 
to  tax  at  all,  I  grant  you  any  body  may  be  a  financier ;  for  it 
is  an  easy  matter  to  borrow,  if  you  can  get  any  to  be  fools  to 
lend  without  funds  to  sustain  it,  and  at  least,  pay  the  inter 
est.  But  why  borrow  when  a  man  has  money  in  his  chest  ? 


228  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

I  would  call  for  this  ;  every  man  his  proportion  according  to 
his  property,  jugt  as  we  subscribe  to  an  undertaking  ;  and  the 
only  difference  is,  that,  in  this  case,  we  subscribe  what  we 
think  we  can  afford  ;  in  that,  we  contribute  what  the  commu 
nity  think  we  ought  to  advance ;  the  community,  through 
some  organization  of  officers,  and  these  being  the  judges, 
"Put  yourself  in  an  attitude  and  armor  for  war."  What  is 
this  but  to  raise  money,  which  is  the  means  of  war  ?  It  did 
not  mean  to  clothe  yourself  in  sheet  iron,  or  in  bull's  hides; 
but  to  go  to  the  bottom  of  the  matter,  and  to  lay  a  tax  to  sup 
port  a  war.  No  difficulty  in  procuring  soldiers  for  a  cam 
paign,  if  you  have  money :  no  necessity  to  call  upon  militia; 
you  will  have  enough  to  offer  their  services.  It  is  money 
makes  the  mare  go.  Give  me  money  and  I  will  show  you 
men ;  and  -.w^ien  I  have  the  men  to  show,  there  will  be  no 
war. 

Aye,  said  Teague  O'Kegan,  give  me  de  boys,  and  a  shi- 
lelah,  and  I  will  clear  de  fair.  If  you  will  give  me  de  money, 
I  will  get  de  whiskey ;  and  if  I  have  de  whiskey,  I  will  hav® 
de  boys,  and  let  me  see  whs  will  like  to  come  to  blows  wid 
Teague  O'Regan. 

This  speech  pleased  the  people  much  ;  and  they  insisted 
upon  the  Governor  to  place  Teague  at  the  head  of  the  finan 
ces. 

It  is  more  than  probable  he  might  have  been  advanced  to 
the  head  of  this  department,  the  Governor  yielding  to  the  so 
licitations  of  the  people  had  not  the  popular  voice  propelled 
him  in  a  different  direction.  For  about  this  time  it  was  re 
ported  that  he  had  taught  a  cat  to  speak.  It  is  true,  that  as 
he  had  seen  done  in  Ireland,  by|taking  the  lower  jaw  between 
his  finger  and  thumb  of  the  left  hand,  and  pinching  her  up 
per  jaw  with  the  finger  and  thumb  of  the  other  hand,  moving 
I  he  lower  jaw,  in  the  mean  time,  as  she  mewed,  he  would 
make  her  pronounce  something  that  resembled  the  crying 
Erin  go  bra,  which  was  Irish  ;  and  by  another  kind  of  move 
ment,  and  breaking  of  the  voice,  it  would  seem  to  be,  bacon, 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  229 

fat  bacon,  which  was  English.  From  this  specimen,  it  was 
thought  that  if  put  at  the  head  of  an  academy  to  teach  beasts 
to  articulate,  he  might  succeed  better  than  any  had  yet  done 
He  was  called  principal,  and  being  made.  Doctor  of  Laws, 
he  was  put  at  the  head  of  the  institution.  It  is  necessary 
that  a  man  in  a  station  which  bespeaks  learning,  be  a  Doctor 
of  Laws ;  but  it  does  not  follow  that  he  be  learned  in  the 
laws,  at  least  I  have  known  some  that  are  not  the  most  pro 
found  scholars,  on  whom  this  degree  has  been  conferred. 

The  visionary  philosopher  had  made  a  system  of  rules  and 
regulations  for  the  government  of  the  academy ;  in  other 
words  the  discipline  of  the  institution;  such  as  conditions  of 
admission,  price  of  tuition,  grade  of  classes,  freshman,  soph 
omore,  &c.  books  to  be  read,  hours  of  study,  and  vacation  ; 
meals,  kind  of  food,  with  matters  that  regard  decency  of  man 
ners,  such  as  that  squirrels  should  not  crack  nuts,  nor  pigs 
eat  apples  in  the  school  rooms  ;  nor  raccoons  chew  tobacco  or 
smoke  cigars.  It  was  j  articuiarly  inculcated  on  all,  that  they 
should  rise  early,  wash  their  snouts,  comb  their  hair,  and 
pair  their  nails  as  becomes  a  student. 

All  things  were  arranged  for  the  menagarie  ;  and  a  proper 
number  of  the  more  tractable  animals  got  tegether  to  begin 
with,  such  as  young  cubs,  whelps,  &c.  when  it  wap  put  into 
the  head  of  the  Principal,  by  some  of  the  more  high  minded 
of  his  countrymen,  that  it  was  a  degredation  to  have  it  said, 
that  an  Irishman  was  teaching  beasts — to  be  called  a  horse  pro 
fessor  and  the  like.  Whether  it  was  that  the  pride  of  the 
bog-trotter,  took  alarm  at  this,  or  that  he  saw  the  ridicule 
himself;  he  threw  up  the  trust  and  would  have  no  more  to  do 
with  it.  The  people  were  dissatisfied,  and  his  popularity  fell 
as  rapidly  as  it  had  risen. 

Transit  gloria  mundi  ;  there  is  nothing  so  fleeting  as  sublu 
nary  joys;  and  of  all  these,  popularity  is  the  most  evanescent. 
It  was  but  a  short  time  ago,  which  was  the  occasion  of  the 
bog-trotter  teaching  the  cat,  and  having  succeeded,  that  he 
was  caressed  by  the  multitude,  followed,  chaired,  &c,  but  it  so 
vol.  4  19.* 


230  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

happened  that  the  chairing  took  place  in  a  small  cabin  ;  and 
when  he  was  raised  suddenly,  those  hoisting,  not  having  due 
regard  to  the  height  of  the  story,  he  struck  his  head  against 
the  ceiling,  or  ruther  rafters ;  for  there  was  no  ceiling ;  at 
which  the  Latin  schoolmaster  exclaimed, 

"  Sublime  feriam  sidera  vertice.'' 

But  what  gave  him  more  consolation,  was  the  having  a  dinner 
given  him,  the  Chief  Justice  presiding,  and  toasts  drank. 
For  it  is  not  in  our  time  as  it  was  at  the  Olympic  games,  or 
Koman  triumph,  or  ovation,  that  an  oak  leaf,  or  a  sprig  of 
laurel,  or  a  bunch  of  ivy,  a  branch  of  olive,  or  some  other 
unsubstantial  vegetable  was  the  gift.  In  modern  and  more 
improved  time,  we  have  solid  food  of  flesh,  and  sauces  to 
gratify  the  palate,  as  well  as  various  exhilerating  drinks, 
such  as  punch,  brandy,  and  wine.  Certain  it  is  the  bog* 
trotter  had  been  feasted  abundantly  during  his  popularity  ; 
but  now  on  the  ebb  of  this,  he  had  declined  so  far  in  reputa. 
tion,  that  he  could  not  have  been  made  a  constable.  So  for 
tuitous  and  unstable  is  the  popular  voice.  Whereas  hereto, 
fore  during  the  current  in  his  favor,  things  were  imagined 
to  his  advantage  that  he  had  never  done,  and  words  framed 
that  he  had  never  spoken ;  so  now  the  reverse  took  place ; 
speeches  were  framed  it  is  true,  but  they  were  all  to  his  dis 
advantage  ;  as  for  instance,  that  he  had  said  the  moon  was 
made  of  green  cheese ;  that  a  snake  was  a  vegetable ;  that 
the  only  conversion  with  the  fanatics  was  the  turning  the 
heels  where  the  head  should  be  ;  that  he  had  reflected  on  the 
general  government,  saying  that  gun  boats  were  only  fit  to 
make  Virginia  hog-troughs ;  that  an  embargo  was  like  yok. 
ing  pigs  where  there  was  no  fence ;  that  borrowing  money 
only  became  a  young  spendthrift,  who  was  afraid  to  apply  to 
his  father  or  his  guardians ;  that  there  were  faults  on  both 
sides,  weakness  on  the  part  of  the  administration,  and  wick 
edness  on  the  part  of  the  opposition. 


MODERN      CHIVALRY.  231 

These  allegations  might  be  all  true  enough  ;  but  he  had 
not  the  sense  to  make  them ;  but  bearing  down,  everything 
must  be  heaped  upon  him.     An  editor  of  a  paper,  who  had 
boasted  he  could  write  down  a  man  in  six  weeks,  opened  his 
battery;  charged  him  with  tumbling,   and  bog-trotting,  andf 
shaving  himself  with  a  bad  razor  ;  some  things  frivolous,  and 
some  things  false;  but  it  went  to  compose  a  paragraph.  There 
was  no  standing  this.     The  bog-trotter  was  at  a  loss  what  to 
do  ;  whether  to  withdraw  from  society,  and  take  a  hut  to  him 
self  in  some  corner  of  the  settlement;  or  to  quit  the  country 
and  '-live  among  the  savages,  and  wild  beasts,  when  a  mere 
accident  gave  him  some  countenance  in  the  community.     It 
was  reported  that  he  had  found  a  stone :  and  doubtless  he 
had,  for  it  was  an  easy  matter  to  find  a  stone  on  a  piece  of 
ground  which  had  once  been  the  bed  of  the  river;  and  these 
stones  also  round  and  lubricous  ;  but  it  was  suggested  to  be 
what  is  called  the  philosopher's  stone.     This  hint,  some  wag 
had  communicated  to  the  visionary  philosopher,   who  went 
immediately  in  quest  of  Teague.     The  truth  is,  the  stone  had 
something  singular  in  its  configuration,    and  was  perhaps  a 
petrifaction.     The  Philosopher,  though  somewhat  irritated  at 
the  Irishman's  desertion  of  the  trust  in  educating  beasts,  yet 
as  it  is  natural  with  visionary  men,  was  struck  with  this  new 
idea,  as  what  might  be  turned  to  account  in  making  gold  and 
silver  in  the  present  scarcity  of  specie;   and  adopting  a  con 
ciliatory  address,  he  bespoke  the  bog-trotter.     Teague,  said 
he,  I  am  not  come  to  take  you  up,  not  being  an  officer  of  jus 
tice  ;   nor  having  anything   to   do  with  the  matter  of  your 
teaching  beasts  :    for  it  has  occurred  to  myself,  that  if  taught 
to  speak,  and  sent  to  Congress,  they  might  gabble  like  mag 
pies,  and  the  remedy  would  be  ivorse  than  the  disease;  so  that  I 
come  not  be  displeased  with  you,  on  account  of  you  relinquish 
ing  the  tuition  ;  more  especially  as  you  have  found  out  the 
means  of  replenishing  the  national  treasury,  by  this  stone 
which  has  fallen  in  your  way. 


232  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

Have  you  made  any  silver  out  of  this  stone  yet  ?  I  should 
like  to  see  a  little  of  it. 

I  have  made  a  pewter  spoon,  said  the  bog  trotter,  and  dat 
is  de  next  ting  to  stiver,  and  a  lead  bullet,  but  de  spalpeens 
have  robbed  me  and  took|dem  out  o'  my  pocket  whilst  I  was 
aslipe,  and  no  body  de  wiser  for  it ;  bad  luck  to  dem. 

Come  back  with  me  to  the  settlement,  said  the  Philosopher, 
and  I  will  make  a  man  of  you. 

Dat  I  will,  said  the  bog.trotter ;  and  see  de  Governor  and 
shew  him  de  stone. 

The  stone  was  shown  to  the  Governor,  who  was  glad  to  see 
the  bog-trotter  again ;  but  had  no  faith  in  the  discovery.  The 
stone,  said  the  Governor,  is  a  very  pretty  stone,  made  by  the 
rolling  and  tumbling  of  the  water,  in  one  part,  and  breaking 
off  in  another  ;  or  has  been  originally  a  piece  of  wood,  cut 
by  a  joiner,  and  is  petrified ;  but  I  would  just  as  soon  take  a 
stick  to  make  gold,  as  I  would  a  stone. 

The  Philosopher  with  Teague,  appealed  to  the  people,  and 
reported  that  the  Governor  was  averse  to  the  having  money 
made.  The  only  remedy  in  this  case  was,  the  threatening 
that  they  would  turn  him  out  and  put  Teague  in,  or  the  Vis. 
ionary  Philosopher  for  Governor.  With  a  view  to  this,  and 
ti  refresh  his  popularity,  a  dinner  was  once  more  given  to 
the  bog-trotter.  The  toasts  were,  Down  with  paper  money ; 
gold  and  silver  the  genuine  circulating  medium,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

When  the  bog-trotter,retired(according  to  a  hint  given  him) 
a  volunteer  as  follows:  "Our  esteemed  fellow  citizen,  General 
Teague  O'Regan  ;  honor  to  the  man,  who  has  increased  the 
public  and  private  wealth  without  limit,  by  turning  sticks  and 
stones,  into  dollars  and  cents." 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  233 


CHAPTER    XLII. 

Governor  Farrago,  gets  out  of  patience,  with  the  follies  of  his 
people,  and  pronounces  a  phillipic  against  them.  It  produces 
a  marked  effect. 

The  Governor  wearied  by  this  folly  of  the  people  of  his  gov- 
ernment,and  being  out  of  all  patience,  came  in  among  the  Rep 
resentatives,  while  in  ^session,  and  made  a  speech  that  made 
the  welkin  ring.  For  the  State  House  not  being  built,  they 
sat  under  the  shade  of  some  large  and  spreading  elm  trees. 
Being  a  man  of  very  powerful  lungs,  like  some  of  the  war 
riors  of  antiquity,  or  Shelby  of  Kentucky,  of  modern  times, 
and  mounting  a  stump,  he  spoke  in  the  following  manner. 

"  I  care  no  more  for  my  popularity  with  you,  than  I  do 
whether  you  are  fools  or  knaves.  It  all  comes  to  the  same 
thing  for  you  seem  blind  to  your  own  interests.  If  you  wish 
to  have  this  fool  fellow  O'Regan,  for  Governor,  you  are  wel 
come  to  him.  One  day  he  is  not  fit  to  be  hung,  and  now 
since  he  has  found  a  stone,  or  something  of  the  kind,  he  is 
fit  for  the  highest  office.  If  you  believe  in  this  visionary 
philosopher  and  his  follies,  you  must  take  your  own  course. 
If,  I  say,  he  has-  found  the  means  of  transmuting  metals,  and 
changing  wood  or  shells  into  gold  and  silver;  if  this  raga 
muffin,  I  say,  has  found  such  a  stone,  which  I  no  more  be 
lieve  than  that  my  horses7  hoof  has  the  virtue  of  changing 
the  earth  he  treads  upon,  into  gold;  what  good  would  it  do  you, 
when  the  very  thing  that  makes  such  metal  precious,  scarcity, 
would  take  away  all  use,  or  benefit  of  it  ?  If  you  would 
make  gold  and  silver  as  plenty  as  bank  notes,  or  oak  leaves, 
would  it  be  of  more  value  ?  Do  you  take  me  for  one  that,  for 
the  sake  of  keeping  my  place,  would  consult  a  temporary 
popularity  ?  I  tell  you  that  I  will  have  no  more  teaching 


234:  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

beasts  to  speak,  sing,  or  whistle ;  no  more  coining  money,  by 
philosophers  stoned  \$  or  discoveries  of  perpetual  motions,  or 
any  such  stuff.  Your  philosopher  may  teach  you  to  catch 
crabs  in  a  new  way,  or  to  open  oysters  ;  I  look  to  what  will 
establish  the  government  and  render  it  vigorous ;  prudence 
in  contracting  debts,  taxation  to  pay  them  and  no  borrowing, 
from  Jew  brokers,  like  minors  that  have  their  estate  in  ex 
pectancy.  Does  the  heart  borrow  from  without ;  or  does  i* 
not  take  back  the  blood  from  the  extremities,  which  it  has 
circulated  to  them?  It  is  a  cheat  and  deception  of  the  people 
not  to  tell  them  truth • 

'  Si  popultis  vult  decipi  decipiatur, 

said  the  Latin  schoolmaster. 

No,  said  the  Governor,  they  shall  not  be  deceived  by  me, 
I  disregard  their  cacussing,  and  talking  of  taking  up  another 
candidate  for  Governor.  They  may  have  my  bog-trotter  or 
the  visionary  philosopher,  when  they  please  ;  and  they  may 
impeach  me  when  out  of  office,  or  let  it  alone.  I  am  at  their 
defiance,  having  acted  to  the  best  of  my  judgment,  for  their 
true  happiness.  Do  they  take  me  for  a  coward  in  politics, 
that  I  am  afraid  to  touch  their  pockets,  and  apply  toja  philoso 
pher's  stone,  even  if  it  had  the  virtue  of  making  gold,  when 
the  making  of  gold  or  silver,  would  do  more  harm  than  good? 

"You  may  have  my  bog-trotter,  and  welcome,  for  Governor; 
I  am  pretty  well  tired  of  bothering  myself  with  him,  to  make 
use  of  a  phrase  of  his  own  ;  I  have  had  as  much  trouble  on 
my  hands  with  him  as  Don  Quixotte  had  with  Sancho  Panza; 
and  I  canaot  but  acknowledge,  as  some  say,  that  I  have  re 
sembled  Don  Quixotte  myself,  at  least  in  having  such  a  bog- 
trotter  after  me  ;  save  that  Sancho  rode  upon  an  ass,  and  this 
O'Regan  trots  on  foot.  But  I  hope  I  shall  not  be  considered 
as  resembling  that  Spaniard  in  taking  a  wind-mill  for  a  giant; 
a  common  stone  for  a  magnet  that  can  attract  or  transmute 
metals.  I  am  not  one  to  mistake  a  barber's  brass  basin,  glit- 


MODERN     CHIVALRY.  235 

tering  in  the  sun,  for  Mambrino's  golden  helmet,  as  Don 
Quixotte  did.  It  is  you  that  are  the  Don  Quixottes  in  this 
respect,  madcaps,  and  some  of  you  from  the  madcap  settle 
ment,  Thady  O'Connor  and  several  others,  tossing  up  your 
eaps  at  every  turn,  for  a  new  constitution,  or  overthrowing 
establishments,  long  sanctioned  by  experience,  and  sound 
policy  ;  not  considering  that  when  a  thing  gets  in  the  way  of 
changing,  it  will  never  stop  until  it  gets  to  the  end  of  liberty, 
and  reaches  despotism,  which  is  the  bourne  from  whence  no 
traveler  returns.  Do  you  take  me  for  Jefferson?  You  are  mis 
taken  if  you  think  I  have  so  good  an  opinion  of  you.  I  would 
ill  deserve  your  confidence  if  I  made  your  whims  my  guide  ; 
or  regarded  popularity  obtained  in  such  away.  It  never  came 
into  my  head  that  because  I  had  got  the  chair  of  government, 
there  was  a  milenium  about  to  come,  when  all  men  would  do 
justice,  and  there  would  be  no  occasion  for  judges  and  law 
yers;  and  nations  would  be  coerced  by  proclamations,  and  no 
war  would  ensuel  Your  philosopher's  stone  will  stand  you 
in  little  stead  if  an  army  is  to  fee  raised  and  a  lleet  supported; 
and  without  an  army  or  a  ^navy,  are  you  safe  within  or 
without  ?  Not  while  you  live  in  a  country  where  there  is  an 
ocean  on  one  side  and  savages  on  ttie  other.  John  Bull  will 
come  by  the  water,  and  the  savage  by  the  wilderness.  A 
navy  is  the  safe  defence  of  a  republic  where  it  must,  or  at 
least,  will  have  commerce.  It  always  rallies  round  the  gov 
ernment,  and  not  faction.  I  want  money  to  support  a  navy 
and  an  army,  and  this  I  will  have,  not  by  a  philosopher's 
stone,  but  by  drawing  on  yourselves  ;  and  when  you  cannot 
pay,  then  borrow;  but  lay  yourselves  to  the  wheels,  and  see 
what  you  can  do  first. 

I  will  resign  the  government,  and  go  about  my  business 
bog-trotting  as  I  used  to  do,  with  some  new  waiter,  if  I  should 
leave  Teague  upon  your  hands.  I  neither  know  nor  care,  but 
I  should  not  be  surprised,  if  some  of  you  should  have  your 
necks  in  the  guillotine,  before  a  fortnight.  This  was  the  way 
in  France,  and  will  be  so  here,  if  you  yield  to  those  idle  rev- 


236  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

eries.    I  will  abdicate  this  moment.    I  am  off,  and  now  pro* 
vide  yourselves  with  another  Governor  as  soon  as  you  please." 

At  this,  descending  from  the  stump,  and  making  as  if  about 
to  go  off,  a  great  dismay  fell  upon  the  legislative  body,  and  the 
multitude  without.  They  had  a  confused  idea  of  the  matter 
threatened,  but  could  not  well  conceive  what  it  was.  Some 
thought  at  least  it  was  a^hanging  matter  that  was  to  come 
upon  them ;  but  all  apprehended  some  bad  consequence,  there 
having  been  a  rumor  of  philosophers  in  France  having 
brought  the  nation  to  much  suffering,  by  guillotines;  the 
royal  family  having  fallen  victims  to  this  mammoth  kind  of 
execution.  They  began  therefore  to  intreat  him  to  retain  his 
place  as  Governor ;  and  even  hinted  a  resolution  to  guillotine 
the  bog-trotter. 

The  visionary  'philosopher  afraid  that  in  this  turn  of  the 
public  mind,  he  might  also  be  guillotined,  fell  in  with  the 
current  of  the  popular  opinion,  and  said  he  was  for  the  guil 
lotine  ;  that  he  had  a  model  of  one  in  his  pocket.  It  was  the 
fact,  he  had  a  model,  not  in  the  least  expecting  such  a  result 
of  things ;  or  that  there  would  be  any  occasion  for  a  guillo 
tine  ;  but  merely  as  the  model  of  a  machine  that  had  been  in 
use,  for,  cutting  straw  but  not  introduced  here.  I  have,  said 
he,  the  model  of  a  guillotine,  pulling  it  out,  and,  I  take  it,  with 
the  help  of  a  carpenter  or  two,  I  could  have  one  constructed 
of  a  proper  size  for  the  ^bog-trotter  in  the  course  of  this 
evening. 

Dear  master,  said  Teague,  esconcing  himself  behind  the 
Governor,  spake  to  de  paple  and  tell  dem  not  to  be  after  ta 
king  de  head  off  a  Christian  like  a  baste  before  he  has  time  to 
spake.  Dis  is  worse  dan  de  savages  wid  deir  tomahawks  and 
deir  scalping  knives,  or  tar  and  fedders.  Let  dese  paple 
kape  deir  toasts  and  deir  offices  to  demselves.  Better  to  be 
traveling  after  your  honor  in  de  woods  and  de  bogs,  and  sla. 
ping  in  a  good  bed,  dan  to  be  kilt  here  like  a  shape.  I'll  be 
no  Governor,  let  dem  be  Governor  demselves. 

The  Governor  finding  that  matters  were  likely  to  go  too  far 


MODERN    CHIVALRY  237 

and  not  liking  to  witness  any  outrage  on  the  bog-trotter, 
though  he  did  not  much  care  for  the  visionary  philosopher 
thought  it  best  to  moderate  the  passions  of  the  people  or  at 
least  divert  them  to  some  other  object. 

I  would  just  observe,  said  the  Governor,  that  the  guillotine 
has  fallen  into  disrepute  in  France.  Deportation  is  the  modern 
manner  of  disposing  of  the  criminal.  They  got  rid  of  trouble 
some  members  of  their  legislative  bodies,  by  sending  them  off 
in  cages  to  South  America,  where  they  are  bitten  to  death 
by  mosquitoes,  or  died  of  fevers.  And  without  much  time 
lost,  it  may  be  perfectly  convenient  to  carry  a  deportation 
into  effect.  Here  is  a  tin  cart  from  New  England,  one  of 
those  that  carry  tin  ware,  watering  cans  and  cullenders.  You 
can  make  use  of  this  for  the  purpose.  The  bog-trotter  can 
remain,  but  here  is  Thady  O'Connor,  a  loose  fish  that  can  be 
put  in  with  the  philosopher. 

No  sooner  said  than  done  ;  O'Connor  and  the  vissionary 
philosopher,  were  put  into  the  cart,  and  obliged  in  all  the 
forms  of  Lynch  law,  to  quit;  the  settlement. 


CHAPTER  XLIII. 

Containing  some  account  of  the  abode  of  Governor  Farrago 
in  the  new  settlement. 

MATTERS  being  once  more  quieted,  as  we  have  related  in 
the  preceding  chapter,  I  feel  inclined  for  the  gratification  of 
the  reader,  to  give  seme  account  of  the  Governor's  abode. 
It  is  enough  to  say,  that  its  locality  was  on  a  tributary  of  the 
beautiful  Ohio  river^  and  in  one  of  the  most  picturesque  re 
gions  of  the  globe.  But  before  I  describe  the  wood  crowned 
hill  above,  and  the  dale  below,  or  its  falling  fountains,  and 
crystal  streams,  will  it  not  be  proper  that  I  describe  the  man. 
sion  itself?  This  may  be  the  more  desirable  as  I  do  not  sup 
pose  it  will  remain  more  than  a  few  years  ;  as  in  all  probabil* 
vol.  4, 20. 


238  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

ity,  he  will  get  a  better,  as  the  country  improves,  and  saw 
mills  shall  be  erected.  Simply  present  accommodation  and 
convenience,  were  consulted  in  its  erection.  There  were  no 
architectural  plans,  or  sculptures  thought  of.  It  was  built  of 
the  stocks  of  trees,  cut  down  on  the  very  spot  where  it  stood, 
squared  with  the  axe,  and  covered  with  split  timber,  to  keep 
out  the  rains  :  floored  in  the  same  manner,  and  on  both  sides 
shaded  by  porticos  of  the  same  material,  the  whole  length  of 
the  building.  Its  length  was  about  one  hundred  and  fifty 
feet,  by  twenty  in  breadth,  exclusive  of  the  porticos,  and 
divided  at  intervals,  of  eighteen  feet,  by  portions  of  hewn 
logs.  There  were  chimneys  of  rude  stone :  and  the  space 
between  the  logs  closed  in  with  mortar  made  of  the  common 
clay,  mixed  with  dry  grass.  The  Governor  had  in  view,  not 
merely  his  own  accommodation,  and  that  of  his  suit,  or  fami 
ly,  if  they  may  be  so  called,  but  also  of  the  frequent  emigrants 
who  might  claim  a  night's  shelter,  on  their  way  to  their  new 
homes. 

The  selection  was  not  made  as  is  too  commonly  the  case, 
without  regard  to  the  beauty  of  the  locality  ;  although  this  is 
often  difficult,  owing  to  the  closeness  of  the  forest  which  lim 
its  the  view  in  the  first  instence.  The  mansion  was  not  such 
as  would  hurt  the  pride,  that  is  natural  to  men,  in  seeing 
others  better  lodged  than  themselves.  I  do  not  know  that 
the  builder,  had  thought  of  the  uneasiness  occasioned  to  Val 
erius  Publicola,  by  the  loftiness  of  his  dwelling  on  the  Vilian 
eminence.  The  simplicity  of  his  taste,  was  at  a  distance 
from  everything  of  show  and  splendor  ;  so  that  not  from  re 
flection,  but  from  the  natural  disposition  of  his  mind,  he  was 
satisfied  with  a  structure,  which  would  not  please  the  more  op« 
ulent,  in  a  more  advanced  stage  of  improvement.  But  what 
it  wanted  in  elegance,  was  made  up  by  the  picturesque  beau 
ty,  and  advantages  of  the  situation.  This  was  on  a  gently 
discending  ridge,  or  slope,  with  a^valley  on  each  side  formed 
by  two  streams,  which  united  in  a  plain  below,  and  was  grad 
ually  lost  in  its  windings  through  the  hills.  The  building 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  239 

stood  East  and  West  to  receive  the  morning  and  evening  sun, 
and  so  as  to  be  less  exposed  to  the  storms  of  the  equinoxeal 
seasons.  The  streams  on.  each  side,  flowing  in  opposite  di-' 
rections,  and  from  the  mansion,  in  a  short  distance,  joined 
two  sister  rivers,  which  would  come  together  almost  in  sight, 
when  the  intervening  woods  would  be  removed,  in  the  erec 
tion  of  the  new  town  at  the  junction. 

Having  givea.this  sketch,  I  will  say  nothing  of  the  adjacent 
building,  or  out-houses,  or  internal  arrangments,  which  may 
be  imagined.  Nor  of  the  bearing  of  the  woody  mountains, 
enveloped  in  the  distance,  in  their  floating  azure  haze,  or  the 
the  extent  of  the  level,  or  rising  ground  in  view.  The  chief 
beauty  was  the  water-fall  from  one  of  the  springs,  that  issued 
from  the  hill.  It  was  a  perennial  fountain,  gushing  from  the 
crevice  in  the  moss  covered  rock,  and  discharging  a  stream 
of  more  than  forty  gallons  a  minute,  \vhich  fell  into  a  deep 
dell,  shaded  by  the  early  blooming  dogwood  and  service  ber 
ry,  and  the  spicewood  with  its  early  blossoms,  while  the  wild 
cherry  and  beech  rose  above  them.  The  stream  on  the  op 
posite,  was  formed  by  numerous  smaller  springs,  where  are 
undergrowth  of  wild  plum  trees,  the  service,  and  sasafras, 
with  towering  -grape-vines,  were  overtopped  by  the  lofty  su 
gar  trees,  hickories,  chestnuts,  and  sycamores,  the  productions 
of  a  virgin  soil.  The  water  of  the  cascade  before  (Ascribed, 
was  clear  as  crystal  and  as  cool  as  the  Hebrus,  and  falling 
into  a  natural  basin  of  sand  and  pebbles,  afforded  a  most  re~ 
freshing  bath,  to  cool  the  blood  in  the  heat  of  summer.  From 
these  cascades,  the  current  flowed  away  with  a  murmur,  as  if 
reluctant  to  quit  the  fountain. 

I  shall  not  speak  of  the  garden  grounds,  for  these  were 
laid  out  but  in  imagination,  save  as  to  a  kitchen  garden,  with 
eueh  vegetables  and  esculent  roots  as  could  immediately  be 
cultivated,  and  were  the  most  necessary.  The  collection  of 
indigenous  plants,  and  native  flowers,  or  sought  from  abroad 
could  be  the  objects  oi  more  leisurely  attention  at  a  future 
day.  People  are  thinking  more  of  cutting  down  trees  than 


240  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

of  planting,  and  this  was  done  without  thought  forthe  future 
with  the  exception  of  a  few  of  the  fruit  bearing  kind,  such 
as  the  mulberry,  the  plum,  the'grape,  persimmon,  the  cherry, 
the  haw  and  others  found  abundantly  in  the  native  forests. 
Individual  trees  and  groves,  ought  to  be  carefully  preserved 
in  removing  a  wilderness,  The  depth  of  a  native  grove  sur 
passes  all  description,  in  the  sensations  that  it  gives,  in  the 
refreshing  coolness  of  the  air  attracted  and  breathed  by  their 
leaves.  The  power  of  art,  with  all  her  skill  can  never  equal 
these  natural  woods,  so  rich,  so  brilliant  in  coloring ;  and 
ages,  centuries  may  pass,  before  these  noble  productions  can 
be  replaced,  in  their  majestic  magnitude,  and  endless  variety. 
The  Rhine  may  boast  of  its  castles,  its  ruins,  rocks,  and  vines, 
but  what  are  they  to  compare  to  our  verdant  hills  and  velvet 
slopes?  I  sometimes  think,  with  regret,  that  we  have  lost  so 
much  of  the  ancient  mythology,  as  respects  the  sylvan  dei 
ties  ;  such  of  them,  to  whom  no  worship  was  addressed,  un 
less  in  the  figurative  language  of  the  poet,  which  we  still  use, 
but  do  not  feel  as  those  who  believe  in  the  existence.  It  in 
spired  a  tenderness  to  rural  scenery  ;  and  in  sparing  shades 
was  favorable  to  taste.  The  landscape  painter,  ought  to 
rescue  these  beauties,  before  they  disappear.  One  could  tell  a 
rustic,  who  had  no  conception  of  the  pleasures  of  the  imagi 
nation,  that  if  he  would  cut  down  this  or  that  groupe,  he 
would  have  all  the  Dryads  on  his  back;  the  Hamadryads 
would  come  to  their  assistance  ;  the  Oreades  would  not  send 
him  rains ;  the  Naids  would  order  the  spring,  that  furnished 
water  to  his  reapers  to  be  dried  up.  But  now  we  have  no 
hold  on  him  :  and  much  pain  has  it  given  me,  to  see  a  fringe 
of  willows  by  the  brook,  or  a  hazel  copse  dug  away,  or  a 
semicircle  of  trees  on  the  brow  of  the  hill,  cut  down.  The 
Naids  who  poured  the  fountains  from  their  urns,  would  now 
disappear,  and  this  more  than  figuratively,  for  we  know  that 
the  destruction  of  the  groves,  and  shrubs  of  the  hill-tops,  will 
cause  the  springs  to  dry  up,  and  we  may  then  say  with  tho 
poet,  respecting  the  streams, 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  241 

"  Sunk  in  their  fountains,  and  their  channels  dry." 

Nor  is  it  only  in  matters  of  taste,  that  the  settlers  in  a  new 
country  are,  in  most  instances,  deficient.  They  have  not  the 
most  perfect  judgment  in  the  use  of  the  small  means  they  usu 
ally  possess  to  establish  themselves.  I  do  not  mean  to  under 
value  the  good  intentions  of  societies  in  sending  Missionaries 
among  the  Indians,  to  teach  the  doctrines  of  supralapsarian 
predestination,  of  justification  by  faith,  and  the  insufficiency 
works,  or  of  those  other  doctrines  of  "  fate,  fore-knowledge/' 
of  which  according  to  Milton,  the  more  lofty  minded  of  the 
fallen  angels,  seated  on  a  hill  apart  in  Pandamonium,  "rea 
soned  high."  But  might  not  other  funds  be  constituted  to 
assist  settlers  in  removing,  and  fixing  themselves  in  a  new 
settlement,  and  to  instruct  them  in  the  principles  of  an  agri 
culture  adapted  to  the  soil  and  climate,  suggesting  improve 
ments,  and  new  methods?*  The  thought  of  a  scientific  man 
of  experience  in  agriculture,  would  be  of  great  advantage. 
Men  of  public  spirit,  in  some  instances,  have  combined  their 
own  interests  with  the  benefit  of  others,  in  improvements  in 
a  new  country.  The  soil  of  a  new  country,  is  in  general  cold, 
and  requires  to  be  opened  to  the  sun,  and  the  most  favorable 
spots  for  cultivation  selected,  leaving  always  a  portion  of 
wood  land  properly  disposed.  In  fact  if  they  follow  nature, 
there  will  be  no  difficulty  in  this.  The  new  settlers  in  the 
first  instance,  must  shift  as  they  can.  Hand-mills  and  hom 
iny  blocks,  must  for  a  time  suffice,  and  every  man  must  be 
something  of  a  Jack  of  all  trades.  He  must  be  a  worker  in 
iron,  and  in  leather,  and  in  wood.  Invention,  as  well  as  in 
dustry,  is  requisite,  and  how  few  there  are  who  reflect,  what 
prodigious  fructification  may  be  folded  up  in  one  single  origi" 
nal  thought !  A  single  idea  may  be  the  pregnant  seed  of  a 
mighty  revolution  in  science,  in  art,  or  in  morals.  The  prin 
cipal  defect,  as  ir  all  other  objects  of  human  application,  is 

*  The  numerous  agricultural  periodicals,  now  in  existence,  were 
unknown  when  the  author  wrote, 
vol.  4,  20.* 


242  MODERN     CHIVALRY. 

the  want  of  original  thought  to  adopt  new  modes  to  new  cir 
cumstances.     This  want  is  not  so  surprising,  for  that  want  is 
one  of  the  rarest  of  the  qualities  of  the  mind,  which  is  called 
genius.      Dear  bought   experience  sometimes  suggests  the 
most  suitable  methods,  and  this  is  one  reason  why  foreigners, 
bringing  with  them  their  old  habits  are  less  successful  than 
those  who  are  to  the  "  manor  born."     Things  are  rather  done 
in  this  way,  or  that  way,  because  they  have  been  elsewhere 
and  heretofore.     For  this  reason  I  would  wish  to  see  mission 
ary   agriculturists  ;  societies  instituted  for  the  propagation 
of  agricultural  knowledge,  and  at  the  same  time  to  afford  re 
lief  to  new  settlers.     There  might  not  be  just  as  many  Indi 
ans  brought  into  the  pale  of  the  church,  to  run  off  again  to 
their  wild  naturelike  partriges,  that  have  been  shut  up  in   a 
coop,  but  there  would  be  more   churches  built  among  the 
whites  in  the  frontier  of  u,  country,  which  would  do  as  well. 
The  establishment  of  churches  in  the  new  settlement,  is  after 
all,  the  great  means  of  preventing  that  tendency,  even  among 
civilized  people,  to  retrograde  to  the  barbarous  state.     Obe 
dience  to  the  laws,  is  a  Christian   duty,  and  the  support  of 
government,  is  favorable  to  that  settled  state  of  society,  in 
which,   alone,  any  system  of  mental  cultivation,  can  be  the 
object  of  attention.     The  coming  together  at  least  once  a 
week,  for  a  pious  work,  in  common,  has  a  tendency  to  coun 
teract  that  selfish  feeling,  akin  to  barbarism,  which  is  apt  to 
affect  the  thinly  scattered  inhabitants,  who  are  seldom  assem 
bled  for  public  purposes.      A  salutary  impression   is  left, 
especially  on  the  minds  of  the  young ;  and  if  each  carries 
away  but  a  single  idea,  of  the  discourse  he  has  heard,  it  may 
bloom,  and  produce  wholesome  fruit.     Although  no  friend  to 
the  subtle  and  controverted  doctrines  of  the  church,  I  think 
the  simple  truths  of  Christianity,  that  come  home  to  the  un 
derstandings,  and  hearts  of  man,  woman,  and  child,  cannot 
be  too  frequently,  and  earnestly  inculcated. 


MODERN     CHIVALRY,  243 


CHAPTER   XLIV. 

Being  the  last  of  this  ivork,  in  which  there  is  some  account  of 
the  Courtship  of  the  Governor,  who  is  still  a  Batchelor. 

IT  may  not  be  amiss,  at  this  stage  of  our  history,  to  men 
tion  that  the  governor  had  not  yet  been  a  married  man  ;  and 
it  was  not  the  death  of  his  lady  that  had  propelled  to  enter  on 
an  unsettled  and  rambling  way  of  life,  as  was  the  case  with 
Sir  Thomas  Graham,  who,  to  relieve  his  grief  for  the  loss  of 
a  beloved  wife,  sallied  out  with  a  regiment  of  English  troops, 
against  the  French,  to  kill  all  that  he  could.  It  was  not  the 
loss  of  a  dear  woman  that  had  made  the  Captain  half  mad, 
when  he  set  out  with  the  bog  trotter, 

"  In  romantic  method." 

But  it  was  in  part,  (for  the  secret  may  now  be  told,)  a  cause 
that  had  some  relation  to  it — disappointments  in  love.  These 
had  happened  to  him  frequently,  and  from  an  early  period, 
His  first  attachment  that  took  a  strong  hold  of  him,  was  about 
the  twenty  eighth  year  of  his  age.  He  had  taken  it  for  grant 
ed  that  it  was  a  thing  of  course  for  the  maid  to  affect  coyness, 
and  to  be  won  with  great  difficulty.  And  hence  it  was  that 
he  persevered  too  much  and  too  long ;  and  when  repulsed  he 
bore  it  the  more  hardly,  because  he  had  not  expected  it.  The 
effect,  also,  was  produced,  that,  in  his  advances  to  a  future 
mistress  a  very  small  matter  discouraged  him ;  in  the  same 
manner  as  a  steed  in  a  curricule,  once  baulkei,  will  stick  at 
a  small  impediment,  and  refuse  to  draw.  For  falling  in  love 
with  another  beauty,  and  learning  that  poetry  was  essentially 
necessary,  in  matters  of  love,  to  a  young  person,  he  wrote 
verses  and  presented  them.  TLe  lady,  wishing  to  bring  him 
to  the  point,  affected  to  consider  his  madrigals  as  burlesque, 
and  returned  them  to  him,  telling  that  she  had  not  expected 
such  ridicule  from  a  gentleman  of  his  good  breeding.  The 


244  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

poor  Captain,  in  the  honesty  of  his  heart,  took  her  to  be  in 
earnest,  and  never  went  to  see  her  more. 

The  third  that  he  addressed,  for  a  lapse  of  a  long  time  in 
tervened  before  he  could  muster  resolution  to  pay  his  respects 
to  any  one;  the  third,  I  say,  that  be  addressed,  or  rather  pur* 
posed  to  address,  was  a  blue-eyed  beauty,  with  black  hair 
and  a  white  skin,  whom  he  took  by  the  hand,  which  trembled 
so  that  he  let  it  go,  and  gave  up  his  pretensions.  The  truth  is, 
it  was  sensibitity,  and  her  joy  in  the  good  fortune  that  she  had, 
to  be  addressed  by  one  whom  she  prized  so  much.  He  mistook 
it  for  a  feeling  of  horror  at  her  situation.  His  next  campaign 
was  with  one  whom  his  heart  loved  buthis  reason  disapproved, 
for  she  was  as  handsome  as  an  angel,  but  as  ill  tempered  as 
Jezebel.  He  would  have  married  her,  but  he  was  relieved  by 
a  richer  wooer,  who  made  a  present  of  bread  tray  and  chick 
en  coop  to  the  mother;  and  having  her  good  wishes,  suc 
ceeded  with  the  daughter,  so  far,  at  least,  as  to  gain  her  con 
sent  to  matrimony. 

-  His  last  attack,  to  speak  in  military  phrase,  was  on  the 
heart  of  a  young  widow,  who  would  have  yielded  incontinent 
ly,  had  he  pressed  his  advances;  but  her  little  boy  calling  a 
gentleman,  papa,  who  gave  him  sweetmeats,  he  took  it  that 
the  child  had  the  hint  from  the  mother,  and  that  the  other 
was  the  favored  lover.  Considering  the  matter  all  over,  he 
resolved,  not  as  the  English  novelists  say,  upon  a  trip  to  the 
continent,  but  a  journey  on  the  continent  to  dissipate  his  en 
nui,  and  recover  himself  from  the  softer  affections  which  had 
obtained  the  ascendant.  Fora  change  of  objects  diverts  the 
raind ;  and  going  to  watering  places  cures  love,  as  it  does  the 
rheumatism;  not  that  it  has  any  other  primary  effect,  than 
cheating  the  imagination  of  its  reveries. 

The  people  of  the  settlement  had  built  the  governor  a  house. 
The  mansion  of  his  excellency  was  spacious,  and  furnished 
with  several  large  tables,  and  some  long  benches,  but  was  de 
ficient  in  one  particular,  a  lady  of  the  castle  who  might  attend 
to  household  affairs  and  receive  company.  His  senate  thought 


MODERN    CHIVALRY.  245 

he  ought  to  marry.  Having  weighty  reasons  to  oppose,  he 
did  not  all  at  once  accede  to  the  proposition.  The  truth  is,  as 
we  have  seen,  he  was  apprehensive  of  a  repulse. 

For  he  had  laid  it  down  from  his  own  experience,  that  as 
some  attract  woman,  so  others  repel;  and  there  is  no  contend 
ing  against  nature.  But  though  of  great  candor,  he  did  not 
wish  to  acknowledge  or  profess  the  real  motives  which  led  him 
to  hesitate  :  but  rather  to  evade  and  raise  difficulies. 

The  setting  an  example  of  matrimony,  for  the  sake  of  peo- 
pleing  a  new  country,  was  suggested  as  an  obligation  upon 
every  good  citizen;  and  that  it  behooved  every  good  man  to 
see  to  it  that  he  multiplied  himself.  To  this  he  replied;  that 
he  was  not  so  sure  of  the  truth  of  that  proposition.  That 
when  we  saw  nature  using  means  to  put  people  out  of  the 
world,  by  pestilence  and  earthquakes,  we  could  not  be  certain 
that  it  was  the  will  of  Providence  there  should  be  more  bro't 
into  it.  And  as  it  is  of  no  consequence  to  such  as  have  not 
yet  come  into  life,  whether  they  ever  come  at  all,  he  did  not 
see  that  those  who  did  not  come  had  reason  to  complain  of 
those  who  were  but  the  negative  causes  of  the  non-existence. 

There  was  a  subtlety  in  this  reasoning  which  the  people 
could  not  answsr ;  yet  they  were  not  satisfied.  It  came  to 
this,  at  last,  that  he  was  under  the  necessity  of  explaining  to 
them  the  delicacy  of  his  situation,  that  it  did  not  become  him, 
the  governor  of  a  republic,  to  compel  in  matrimony  in  his 
own  case,  or  indeed  in  that  of  any  other;  and  that  he  had  no 
reason  to  suppose  that  in  any  other  way  he  could  obtain  the 
hand  of  the  inimmorata  that  he  might  select. 

It  Beemed  to  the  multitude  a  ridiculous  idea  that  there  could 
be  any  spinster  in  the  colony,  who  would  refuse  the  hand  of 
such  a  man  as  governor  Farrago.  But  that  if  there  should  be 
any  one  found  so  recreant,  the  voice  of  the  people  should 
compel  an  acquiescence;  that  they  would  send  through  all 
their  border,  and  find  out  a  damsel  for  my  lord,  the  governor, 
as  in  the  case  of  king  David,  Ahasuerus,  and  others  that  are 
read  of  in  the  scripture  times. 


246  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

Appalled  at  all  idea  of  constraint,  he  was  disposed  to  try 
rather  what  might  be  accomplished  by  fair  means.  He  had 
heard  of  the  emigration  of  the  Creoles  from  St.  Domingo, 
which  happened  about  this  time,  being  driven  from  their  own 
country  by  the  revolt  of  the  negroes;  some  of  these  half  mu 
lattos  themselves,  or  what  are  called  mestizoes,  and  not  being 
of  the  fairest  complexion,  and  pressed  by  great  necessity, 
might  wish  to  match  themselves  with  any  person  for  a  liveli 
hood.  Or,  as  another  expedient,  he  thought  of  sending  by  a 
trader  a  keg  or  two  of  whiskey  to  the  Indian  towns,  to  pur 
chase  a  princess,  who  could  be  reconciled  for  a  little  calico  to 
leave  her  tribe.  "But  the  people  would  hear  of  no  Creole,  nor 
a  savage,  who  would  be  running  back  like  a  pig  that  is  bro't 
from  another  settlement;  or  bringing  her  relations  along  with 
her,  of  foreign  maaners  and  attachments.  They  insisted  on 
his  issuing  his  proclamation  to  call  in  all  the  spinsters,  and  se 
lecting  one  from  the  assembled;  some  Abisha,  the  Shinamite, 
or  Esther — not  for  a  concubine,  for  they  would  have  no  con 
cubine, — but  to  be  the  lady  of  his  hall,  in  a  decent  manner, 
as  became  the  magistrate  of  a  Christian  people. 

His  Excellency  could  not  reconcile  it  to  himself  to  procure 
an  assemblage  of  females  by  proclamation,  as,  in  that  case, 
one  must  be  rejected,  and  another  chosen,  which  could  not 
but  wound  his  own  mind,  as  well  as  that  of  the  unsuccessful 
candidate;  and  he  could  not  marry  them  all,  even  were  they  so 
disposed  ;  for  a  plurality  of  wives,  in  modern  times,  could  not 
agree  in  one  house,  however  it  might  have  been  in  ancient, 
when  women  were  better  tempered  than  at  present.  Besides 
the  accommodation  of  the  country  would  not  admit  it.  If  he 
took  two,  some  honest  settler  might  be  without  one. 

To  obviate  the  delicacy  of  a  selection,  it  was  suggested,  the 
procuring  a  number  to  be  got  together  under  the  idea  of  a 
spinning  match,  a  thing  well  known  in  the  country,  and  let 
the  best  spinner  take  the  prize;  or  to  draw  lots,  as  marriage  is 
but  a  lottery,  which  would  be  a  way  of  avoiding  all  idea  of 
preference. 


MODERN    CHIVALRY. 


247 


But,  all  things  considered,  it  was  thought  the  most  conve 
nient  course  to  do  as  others  did;  and  without  making  any 
noise,  to  ride  about  the  country  a  little  to  see  the  damsels  in 
their  hamlets  and  at  their  spinning  wheels,  in  their  virgin 

state  and  simple  habilaments,  with  unadorned  tresses. 
r 

In  visiting  the  settlement,  his  excellency  admired  much 
the  spinning  wheel,  a  piece  of  machinery  which  he  saw  in 
almost  every  cabin.  The  attitude  of  the  spinster  is  unques 
tionably  finer  than  that  of  a  lady  at  the  forte  piano,  or  harp- 
sicord;  not  altogether  because  it  connects  graue  with  industry, 
and  charms  imagination  at  the  same  time  that  it  engages 
reason  in  its  favor ;  but  because  the  position  of  the  body  be 
hind  the  instrument,  and  with  a  front  view  to  the  beholders, 
has  a  great  advantage.  The  fact  is,  that  a  finely  formed  wo 
man  can  be  seen  in  no  possible  attitude  to  more  advantage 
than  at  the  spinning  wheel.  At  the  forte  piano,  at  a  side 
view,  which  is  the  best,  for  you  cannot  have  a  front  view, 
but  a  side  view  only,  the  intsrumont  being  in  front,  you  see 
but  the  profile  of  the  face,  and  the  person  in  an  inclined  pos 
ture,  with  the  shoulder  stooping  somewhat.  Even  the  fingers, 
however  lightly  they  touch  the  instrument,  are  not  seen  to 
more  advantage,  than  those  of  the  spinster  when  she  draws 
the  lint  from  the  rock  with  one  hand,  and  rests  the  other  on 
her  lap.  I  consider  the  Irish  harp  as  but  approaching  the 
spinning  wheel,  in  exhibiting  the  person  to  advantage ;  but 
independent  of  connecting  the  idea  of  utility,  figure  to  your 
self  this  simple  piece  of  mechanism,  combining  the  circle 
with  the  triangle  in  its  form :  the  lever,  the  inclined  plane, 
the  axis  in  the  principle  of  motion ;  the  orders  of  architec 
ture  in  the  rounding  of  the  pillars,  from  the  turning  loom ; 
and  the  white  maple  stained  in  eccentric  circles  of  bright 
yellow,  or  scarlet  dye  ;  the  yellow  of  the  rind  of  the  shumack, 
and  the  scarlet  of  the  pacoon  root,  gathered  by  the  female 
hand  from  adjoining  woods.  The  tripod  of  Apollo,  made  of 
ebony,  may  present  a  resemblance ;  but  the  trapezium  on 
which  the  foot  rests,  and  puts  in  motion  the  machine,  with 


248  MODERN    CHIVALRY. 

the  neat  ankle,  and  delicate  slipper,  is  not  easily  painted  to 
the  fancy,  But  when  you  raise  your  eye  to  the  auburn,  or 
golden,  or  hair  of  raven  wing ;  with  a  complexion  uniting 
the  lily  with  the  rose,  the  pencilled  brow,  and  eye  of  crystal 
blue  ;  when  you  add  to  this  the  fingers  of  Hebe,  disporting 
with  the  lint ;  the  bust  of  Juno,  the  cincture  and  the  smile 
of  Venus,  and  the  vivacity  and  sense  of  Mnemosyne,  you 
may  have  an  idea  of  what  I  have  seen  of  beauty,  and  loveli 
ness  of  the  use  of  this  instrument.  A  woman  who  sits  with 
ease  and  grace  on  horseback,  presents  her  form  to  advantage; 
but  much  more  at  the  spinning  wheel. 

"  And  still  she  turned  her  spinning  wheel,"  . 

says  the  old  song  ;  and  if  we  ever  hear  of  the  Governor  being 
married,  it  is  ten  to  one  but  it  will  be  to  a  spinster. 

THE  END. 


~*™*g&Z      Q&JUL****-- 


ft 


